Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Zelda Style!
(part two!)
Obligatory Disclaimer: Alright, it's pretty obvious that I do not own Whose Line Is It Anyway? Or Zelda. No money was made off of this. This is strictly fan fiction.
Author's Notes: I decided to give this another shot. I'm not too pleased with it but I hope someone finds it remotely funny? ^_^?
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Nabooru: Welcome to Whose Line Is it Anyway? ! On tonight's show we have here boy, Link! Set up the bed, Zelda! Roll over, Malon! And go fetch, Saria! Hey, I'm your host Nabooru. Come on down, let's have some fun!
Audience: (consisting of a mix of members from all races of Hyrule, cheer and clap as Nabooru makes her way down to her seat near the contestants as the title screen flashes; when it's all over, they quiet down)
Nabooru: Hey there, and welcome to yet another episode of Whose Line is It Anyway: the show where improvisation gets you points that are worth nothing. That's right. The points are like King Zora.
Audience: (laugh, laugh)
Nabooru: Hm. Before we start, I just noticed something… (glances at the contestants) Link, you're the only male contestant today!
Audience: (wolf-whistles and "oooh's")
Link: Well hot diggity damn!
Nabooru: Let's get on with this show before he gets ideas… (reads her cards) The first game we're going to play is Super Heroes. It's for all of the contestants. And Link, since you're the only guy up there, we're going to start off with you. (turns to face the audience) What kind of Super Hero should he be?
Audience: (yell out their suggestions) Sexual Innuedo Man!
Nabooru: (snickers) Okay, I may regret this, but let's go with that. (scribbles something onto cards) The world's crisis involves too many non-Kokiri people venturing into the Lost Woods. So Link, whenever you're ready, begin.
Link: (strolls along, carrying his Master Sword) Whoo, it's been a long and hard day for me. I need to discharge some of my stresses. Maybe I should delve into the depths of the Lost Woods and help out the populace!
Zelda: (strolls up to Link) Sorry I'm late. Traffic.
Link: It's quite alright, Girl Who Sings Everything.
Zelda: (Gloria Estefan) And I will do anything for youuuuu…!
Link: Help me climb this erect tree here, will you?
Zelda: (holds her hands out for him to climb while she sings like Mariah Carey/Jackson 5/Smokey Robinson) Don't you know baby yeah! YEAH! I'll be theeeeeeeeere!
Link: (begins to climb with Zelda's help and pretends to reach for something that is too far) Ooh yeah… Almost there. Mm… Just a little bit harder, higher…
Audience: (cracking up)
Zelda: (sings like Gina G.) Ooh ahh! Just a little bit! Ooh ahh! A little bit more!
Saria: (traipses on up) Hey guys! I'm here.
Zelda: (looks to Saria as she is singing) Domo arigatou Mister Roboto!
Saria: (monotone and robotic) IS MY ASSISTANCE REQUIRED FOR THIS TASK?
Link: (pouts as he hops down from Zelda's hand) Man, I ALMOST reached the climax but her hands were too soft of a grip!
Saria: 404 ERROR. ATTEMPT TO REACH CLIMAX/ ON THIS SERVER HAS FAILED.
Link: Hm. Maybe if we try to get to it from the back?
Audience: (laugh!!!!)
Malon: (walks on to where the others are) Whoo! What a walk! But I'm here, finally!
Saria: (looks to Malon) CLICHÉ WOMAN HAS RECONCILED WITH US. PERHAPS SHE CAN BE OF ASSISTANCE.
Malon: Better late than never!
Link: Cliché woman! COME with us! We need to go down into the depths of the Lost Woods, but we cannot figure a way to get in smoothly.
Zelda: (headbanging and dancing like Axl Rose from Guns N' Roses) Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty! PLEASE! TAKE ME HOME! YEAH YEAH!
Malon: Well, the grass is always greener!
Saria: WINDOWS HAS SEARCHED FOR 'GRASS' BUT HAS FOUND NO FOLDERS. WOULD YOU LIKE A SHORTCUT TO POINT HERE INSTEAD?
Link: Maybe we can all come together and make this one big group thing…?
Audience: (uproarious laughter and cheers!)
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Hahaha! Definitely not the first Super Heroes I'd ever call in case of an emergency. (glances to her cards) Next game is Let's Make a Date!
Audience: Whoo-hoo!
Nabooru: Alright, Link, since you're the only one with a Y-Chromosome… (Link grins sheepishly), you're going to be the contestant on a live dating show and these three lovely gals are going to be bachelorettes and your potential date. We've given them a secret identity and your job is to guess who they are.
Link: Oh boy! I hope one of them is a porn star!
Nabooru: Keep dreaming. (snicker) Alright, start whenever you're ready. Bachelorettes, say hello to Link!
Zelda: (supposed to be "RuPaul") I have one thing to say: YOU BETTER WORK.
Link: …Um, that's neat! Bachelorette number two?
Saria: (supposed to be "The Rock") Now then… What is your name…?
Link: My name? Why, it's Li---
Saria: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!!!!!!!!!
Audience: (cheers!)
Link: Bitchin'. And Bachelorette number three?
Malon: (supposed to be "Butthead" from Beavis and Butthead) Ehhh heh heh heh… Cool… Ehhhhhh heh heh heh heh… Um. Hi.
Link: Wow, you sound like a gal I'd really like to do! (reads some imaginary cards) Alright, this question is for Bachelorette number one. If you could tell me one thing during our first date, what would it be?
Zelda: (kneels up on her stool so that she can impersonate RuPaul's commandeering height) Wet your lips and make love to the camera! WORK!
Link: Oh, so you like filming? That's cool with me!
Audience: (laugh)
Link: Bachelorette number two, same question.
Saria: Take that bottle of champagne… Turn it sideways… and stick it straight up your CANDY ASS!!!
Link: Ooh, kinky. Me like. And Bachelorette number three?
Malon: Ehhhhh heh heh heh… Shut up, Beavis! Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh heh heh heh… I'll kick your ass. Ehhhhhhh heh heh heh!
Nabooru: (covers her mouth with a hand to prevent from laughing out loud)
Link: Ooooooooookay. Final question! Where would you take me on our first date, anyhow?
Zelda: (stands off her stool and looks dead ahead into the laughing audience with that stoic glare runway models are known for) Now look here honey…
Link: Um. I can't exactly see you. But if it helps, I'm picturing you naked.
Zelda: (begins dancing like RuPaul in the "SuperModel" video) It don't matter what you wear! They're checking out your self-appeal! Ooh, ooh, ooh yeah! And when you walk into the room! You'll have everybody's eyes on you!!! Supermodel! WORK!
Link: So you'll take me to a room? With a lot of people? Ooh boy, an orgy! (giddy!) Bachelorette number two, same question.
Saria: (glances sharply to the audience and does her best impersonation of the People's Eyebrow; slowly tilts her head back and lifts an imaginary microphone to her mouth) Finally… Link… HAS COME BACK TO HY-RUUUUUUUUUULE!
Audience: (CHEER!)
Link: Neat! And you, Bachelorette number three? Come our first date, where would we go?
Malon: Ehhhhhhhhh heh heh heh… He said 'come'. Heh heh heh heh heh heh! (insert uncontrollable Butthead laughter here)
Link: Okay, Bachelorette number one… You sound like a guy obsessed with modeling…
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) I'll give you that one! She's RuPaul!
Link: Bachelorette two. There's no doubt in my mind she's The Rock.
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Yep!
Link: And good ol' Bachelorette three is… (assumes a Beavis voice) Hmm hmm yeah! Heh heh hmm hmm! Butthead! Hmm hmm heh heh!
Nabooru: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)
Audience: (laughter and cheers!)
Nabooru: Sheesh, you guys, you really know how to improvise, huh?
Zelda: (still talking like RuPaul) Honey, let me tell you somethin'! It ain't easy!
Nabooru: (snicker) If you want the points for that one, go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 rupees. (reads her cards) Alright, next game is one of my personal favorites! World's Worst!
Audience: (fanfare)
Nabooru: Alright, the contestants are going to give examples of the World's Worst Things to See While Travelling Through Hyrule. Whew what a title… Ah well, take it away, guys!
Malon: (tour guide voice) And over here, we have two Gorons… They're shagging! They're shagging!
Link: Aw, the mother Wolfos has left her baby alone. (pretends to carefully approach a baby Wolfos to pet it) Aww----(howls like a wolf and simulates his hand being bitten off by sliding it into the cuff of his shirt) AAAAAAAAH!!!!
Zelda: Oh, wow! A Port-O-Potty! (opens an imaginary door) EW! RAURU!!
Saria: Hey, check it out, it's Mido.
Audience: (laugh while Saria grins sheepishly)
Link: Strange… I could have sworn this 'Chernobyl' place wasn't here before…
Malon: And just what is that Messenger Man doing to that Re-Dead!?!
Saria: (pretends to see a sign) "Turn left for Ganondorf's Sex Shack."…?
Zelda: (also pretends to read a sign) "Turn right for Dampe's House of Lovin'."…?
Audience: EWWWW!
Nabooru: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!) Ugh, I am never going to look at Hyrule the same way, that's for sure!
Saria: (exchanges hi-fives with Zelda)
Nabooru: Now it's the last segment of this show. So you know what this means…! Impa, come on down! It's time for the Irish Drinking Song!
Audience: YEAH!!!!
Impa: (trots on over to her piano, smiles, and sits down)
Nabooru: You guys know what to do. The song's gotta be about Zora's Domain! Take it away!
Contestants: (snap their fingers and line up, moving to the music being played by Impa) Ohhhhhhh…! Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!
Zelda: The water of Hyrule's so fresh,
Saria: And it's really oh-so-blue!
Malon: It's cleaned out by the Zora,
Link: And devoid of all poo poo!
Audience: (laugh!)
Zelda: I never swam in this water,
Saria: But I have eaten its fish.
Malon: The water is so very clean,
Link: Except for all the piss!
Contestants: (while the audience is laughing at them, they try not to laugh too much and continue on with the song) Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!
Link: The Zora's are a Kingdom,
Malon: They're also a domain.
Saria: This crap is really confusing,
Zelda: (shrug) And it's also very lame!
Link: (snicker) They're ruled by the King of Zora's,
Malon: And Ruto's the princess!
Saria: I heard she really likes Link,
Zelda: …! I hope she winds up dead!
Contestants: (begin to laugh, once again, with the audience at Zelda's first-class and last-minute improvisation) Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!
Zelda: The Zora's are a fish people,
Saria: So then they like to swim.
Malon: I've only met one up close,
Link: (shrug) He poked me with his fin!
Nabooru: (begins to howl with laughter)
Zelda: They're graceful and aquatic,
Saria: And kind of pretty!
Malon: They're different from us somehow,
Link: …They have no genitals, HEE HEE!
Contestants: (can barely finish the rest of the song, with the exception of the leering Link, so it sounds like something straight out of a bloopers video) Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh Dai…di….dai…di…daiiiiii! HA HA HA HA!
(Nabooru's face hurts too much for her to say 'good-bye' to the viewers)
***
Finis
A/N: Bleh, not as funny as the first one and the first one wasn't as funny as the real thing. But you get by with what you have, right? ;) Please leave a review if you so desire.