Chapter 9: Shitballs
Well, I've never prayed, but tonight I'm on my knees...
--The Verve "BitterSweet Symphonthy"
A basketball bounced against the fencing of the exercise pen. Sleuth ran past me to get it. I was sitting on the floor. He paused when he came back. "Hey, you wanna join in? We need a coupla more players."
I debated for a moment. I was bored. "All right."
"Cool, c'mon."
I walked into the group of basketball players. They were all taller than me. The closest to my height was Flying Frog. He leered at me.
"Shorty's on my team," said Sleuth.
"Good!" said Drago. "Now resume game."
I jumped in where I could. I even got to shoot at the basket. I missed, which was no surprise. Drago was guarding the shot. He leapt up, knocking the ball away before it could go in. But he just didn't leap straight up; he leapt right towards me. We ended up in a heap on the ground.
I struggled out from under him, wheezing painfully.
"Oh sorry," grinned the wolf.
"I bet."
I played for a couple minutes more, but quit after being knocked around. I returned to my place on the floor, but before I could sit, Marshe came by.
"Looks like you're getting to be buddy-buddy with them."
"Not really," I said.
"Right. Looks like it."
"You know what they say about looks."
"Can be deceiving, right."
I raised an eyebrow, almost incredulous that he knew something; even if it was a cliché.
"They all like you," he said. "It was because of you they tried the breakout, isn't it?"
"No," I said. "It wasn't even my idea."
"Hmmm, why don't I believe you?"
"You can believe what you want."
"Even if it wasn't your idea, they still did it 'cause of you. You're the one who did those two escapes in a row."
I shrugged.
"You ain't planning anything else, are you?"
"No. And if I were, I wouldn't tell you," I scoffed.
"Well, if I catch you doing anything, I'll bust that cute little ass of yours." He suddenly slapped me on the aforementioned place.
"Don't touch me!" I flared up with indignatiy. He thought it was funny; chuckling and snorting.
"You're such a freak."
"Awww, was that a compliment?" He laughed and shoved me.
Dinner always seemed to be some sort of goop. It came in different colors. Some colors were better than others. The gray goop was the worst. The orangish-brown goop, despite its disgusting color, was the best. I think it was some sort of meat and carrots mixed and smashed together. It was like eating baby food again.
Today it was the orangish-brown goop. I stared down at the glob the cook slapped onto my plate, and my mouth actually watered. It was hot today. How considerate of the cooks. Cold goop was disgusting, no matter what color.
I headed towards the table. Marshe was suddenly in my way. I bumped into him, and he bumped back, sending me crashing to the floor. The goop spilled onto me.
"SHIT!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry," said Marshe. He leapt up and got a washcloth and returned. I expected him to hand it to me, but he started to wipe me off.
"I can do it," I protested, and then let out a shriek as his hand squeezed my lap. "GET OFF ME!" I screamed, and kicked him square in the face.
He moved back, a dumb grin on his face. I grabbed the tray up and would've smashed the grin right off his face, but then I felt something jab me between the shoulderblades. I turned my head and saw Tattle standing there out of the corner of my eye. He had his taser on me.
I dropped the tray instantly and tensed up, waiting for the shock.
"No, Tattle, I got it," said Marshe.
Tattle stepped back, reluctantly.
Marshe stood up and brushed himself off. Then he reached down and pulled me to my feet. I stared down at the spilt foot mournfully. The cooks did not give seconds.
Once we were back in the cells, I changed my uniform. As I zipped up, Drago tossed something through the bars onto my bed. I examined it. It was one of the hard rolls we get with dinner.
"Thanks," I said.
He shrugged.
"Marshe is such a goddamn pain in the ass. He bumped me on purpose. He was bothering me in the exercise room too."
Flying Frog 'oohed'. "He's targeting you!"
I gnawed on the roll. Hard rolls WERE hard.
"He must want yer ass," said Drago. "But ya'd like that, wouldn't ya?"
I flopped down on the bed. "For the last time, I am not gay."
"Why should I believe ya?"
I bit off a piece of the roll. "Why do you think I'm gay? I haven't done anything to make you think that."
"Ya don't like porn."
"So what?"
"Look at ya, man. Yer skinny, yer short."
"That makes me gay?"
"Look at yer face. You have girly eyes, man. They're so perty and blue, and no straight guy has eyelashes that long."
I stared at my reflection in the side of my metal nighttable. I always thought my eyes were my best feature.
"It's not like I wear makeup. They're naturally like that."
"Yer just naturally gay."
"Shut up, Drago. I'm tired of it. Stop calling me gay. I'm not gay."
"Ya've gotten pussy?"
I scowled.
"C'mon, tell me."
"Why do you say that...that word? Why can't you just say 'woman'? A woman?"
"Ooh, so now he's a feminist!"
"No...but I have respect for other people!" I snapped. As soon as the sentence came out of my mouth, I knew it was a lie. Me? Respect other people? Maybe outwardly, because I had to, or I'd get hurt.
"Ya don't respect anybody," scoffed the wolf. "Don't give me that bull."
I set the roll down and rubbed my forehead. "Fine. But I do know that a woman is more than just one body part. You act like women exist just for you..."
"...to fuck," the wolf interjected. "'Cause it's true. What else are they good for? They're weak. They're dumb. They're afraid of everythan'."
"That's why your girlfriend beat the crap out of you, and got you put in prison, right? Because she's so stupid and weak?"
The wolf clenched his fist and came close to the bars separating his cell from mine. "Ya shut up."
"Or else what?" I whipped the half-eaten roll at him. It hit him in the face, making him angrier. He reached his arm through, struggling to grab me.
I leaned almost within his reach to taunt him. His fingertips brushed the air right in front of me, but he still couldn't touch me.
He withdrew his arm and picked up the roll. He threw it back at me, but it missed and hit the wall. Flying Frog reached through and nabbed it off my floor.
He threw it back at Drago, but it went through the bars and somewhere down the hallway.
"Oh dern it," he said. "I wanted to play catch."
"Play with yerself, instead," growled Drago.
The frog stuck out his tongue.
I picked up one of my books and read for a while.
Later, I leaned against the wall, thinking. There was always plenty of time to think around here.
So Drago thinks women are sex toys. That's not a big surprise, considering his magazines and whatnot. Me...I don't think that. I've seen that women can be just as strong as men, even stronger sometimes. Stronger than me, by far. But then, everybody's stronger than me.
I knock myself down all the time. I don't know why. Everybody else does. Maybe that's why. It's what I'm used to, at any rate. My whole life, I've never been taken seriously. It's my appearance, I suppose. Everything's appearance though, isn't it? A pretty girl's always going to get farther than an ugly one, even if she's dumber than the proverbial post, and the ugly one's a genius. That's how it was with me, I suppose.
I'm not stupid. I could've done something with my life. But I chose the wrong route. I thought it was right. I didn't know Julian was going to turn out to be a crackpot. But there's no use whining about it now. I can't change the past. Not unless I get a hold of those timestones...but even then, I don't know if I would. Because if I get out of this jail, maybe I'll be able to do something worthwhile.
But back to my initial topic: women. I'm not a...a what's the word...ah yes. Chauvinist. I'm not one of them. I don't think women are stupid or weak. It's quite the opposite, really. Maybe they're smarter than men. Some of them, anyway. But I'm not like those men. I don't give in to feelings. Besides, I don't have the emotional pattern of most men anyway...or even most human beings. I don't care about things like they do. I don't care about anything.
It's hard to care anymore. It doesn't seem like I'm going to get out of here. All my dreams, delusional as they were, are shattered. I have really nothing left.
Something whispered in my mind, but I couldn't make it out. So I shrugged it off.
The lights went out, and I checked my watch. It was bedtime. I slid under the covers and fell asleep.
I woke up later that night. It was kind of chilly, and I clutched my blanket closer. I heard a faint groaning.
I turned my head as sleep-like as I could. I could just see Drago out of the corner of my eye. He was moaning very softly, holding a magazine in one hand. His back was to me, so I raised my head up to watch.
He was masturbating, holy GOD!! I bit my lip to keep from laughing. I could see his huge fist moving up and down, and he groaned again.
"Oh man, baby. I got ya, I'd fuckin' oooh!" He bucked his hips up a little, making his cot creak loudly.
I couldn't help it. I snickered. He turned around, holding a rather big body part in his hand.
"What the fuck ya starin' at, cueball? I knew ya was gay."
I didn't say anything, just laughed. He walked over to my cell, shoving his erection through the bars. "C'mon cueball...why don't ya give it a suck? I know ya like it."
I picked up the magazine off the floor. He watched me. Then I hurled it. It struck him right square in the crotch. He leaped back, shrieking.
"YA LITTLE FUCKER!!"
I kept laughing.
"What the hell is all this racket?" Marshe appeared in the hallway, shining his flashlight into our cells. The light stopped on Drago's crotch.
"You sure got a big'un," said the guard. Then his light shone onto me, glaring in my eyes. "Oh...so that's how it is, eh? You like to give head, don't ya, Sniv'?"
I moved out of his beam, but he moved it after me. "Stop it," I said. He shone the light on the floor instead.
I heard the zip-zip of a zipper lowering. "You'd give me head, wouldn't you?" Marshe's voice was low and gravelly.
"You're out of your mind," I said.
"C'mon Sniv'." The guard's voice was almost desperate.
"NO."
I heard the jingle of keys next. He was opening my cell! I felt my heart flutter violently in my chest. Oh God...he's gonna force me...he's gonna...
My fists clenched, my muscles tensed up. I was going to have to fight.
He came into the cell and closed it behind him. I saw his eyes shining strangely, his breath coming in pants. I backed away.
Drago crossed his arms and watched.
Marshe grabbed at me, and shoved me to the floor. "Do it and I won't hurt you," he said.
I punched him. Right in the nuts. He stumbled backwards, groaning. I tried to bolt for the door, because it wasn't locked, but he grabbed me by the back of the shirt. He threw me against the wall.
"You've got such a cute ass," he said. "It's a shame to let it go to waste."
"YOU SICK BASTARD!!!" I punched as hard as I could, catching him right in the jaw. He grunted and stumbled. I felt tears in my eyes; my knuckles felt busted.
But I didn't pause to check. I pushed him, sending him toppling to the floor. Before he could move, I stomped down hard on his crotch. He squealed. I ran for the door, but his hand closed around my ankle. I screamed and kicked with my free foot. Suddenly, a white hand reached past my captured foot, and grabbed Marshe by the wrist. The white hand tightened, and Marshe screamed. I heard a crack. Broken bones?
I looked over. Drago had his arm thrust through the bars. He caught my eye and nodded. I pulled my foot free. But before I could get anywhere, another guard came running down the hall.
"Cruds," he said, his flashlight shining over me and the prone Marshe. "What's happening here?!"
"Get him out," I growled. "GET HIM OUT!!"
The guard nodded, looking a bit shocked. But he wasn't stupid. He cuffed my hand to the bars before coming in. Then he dragged Marshe out, uncuffed me, and locked the door.
I sank down onto the bed, feeling sick. The adrelinin was fading from my veins. Realization hit me...I could've been molested...even...even raped.
I curled up, shaking in a sudden attack of panic. I heard Drago snort and his bed creak as he sat down, but I ignored it all.
I did not have pleasant dreams that night.
Well, I've never prayed, but tonight I'm on my knees...
--The Verve "BitterSweet Symphonthy"
A basketball bounced against the fencing of the exercise pen. Sleuth ran past me to get it. I was sitting on the floor. He paused when he came back. "Hey, you wanna join in? We need a coupla more players."
I debated for a moment. I was bored. "All right."
"Cool, c'mon."
I walked into the group of basketball players. They were all taller than me. The closest to my height was Flying Frog. He leered at me.
"Shorty's on my team," said Sleuth.
"Good!" said Drago. "Now resume game."
I jumped in where I could. I even got to shoot at the basket. I missed, which was no surprise. Drago was guarding the shot. He leapt up, knocking the ball away before it could go in. But he just didn't leap straight up; he leapt right towards me. We ended up in a heap on the ground.
I struggled out from under him, wheezing painfully.
"Oh sorry," grinned the wolf.
"I bet."
I played for a couple minutes more, but quit after being knocked around. I returned to my place on the floor, but before I could sit, Marshe came by.
"Looks like you're getting to be buddy-buddy with them."
"Not really," I said.
"Right. Looks like it."
"You know what they say about looks."
"Can be deceiving, right."
I raised an eyebrow, almost incredulous that he knew something; even if it was a cliché.
"They all like you," he said. "It was because of you they tried the breakout, isn't it?"
"No," I said. "It wasn't even my idea."
"Hmmm, why don't I believe you?"
"You can believe what you want."
"Even if it wasn't your idea, they still did it 'cause of you. You're the one who did those two escapes in a row."
I shrugged.
"You ain't planning anything else, are you?"
"No. And if I were, I wouldn't tell you," I scoffed.
"Well, if I catch you doing anything, I'll bust that cute little ass of yours." He suddenly slapped me on the aforementioned place.
"Don't touch me!" I flared up with indignatiy. He thought it was funny; chuckling and snorting.
"You're such a freak."
"Awww, was that a compliment?" He laughed and shoved me.
Dinner always seemed to be some sort of goop. It came in different colors. Some colors were better than others. The gray goop was the worst. The orangish-brown goop, despite its disgusting color, was the best. I think it was some sort of meat and carrots mixed and smashed together. It was like eating baby food again.
Today it was the orangish-brown goop. I stared down at the glob the cook slapped onto my plate, and my mouth actually watered. It was hot today. How considerate of the cooks. Cold goop was disgusting, no matter what color.
I headed towards the table. Marshe was suddenly in my way. I bumped into him, and he bumped back, sending me crashing to the floor. The goop spilled onto me.
"SHIT!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry," said Marshe. He leapt up and got a washcloth and returned. I expected him to hand it to me, but he started to wipe me off.
"I can do it," I protested, and then let out a shriek as his hand squeezed my lap. "GET OFF ME!" I screamed, and kicked him square in the face.
He moved back, a dumb grin on his face. I grabbed the tray up and would've smashed the grin right off his face, but then I felt something jab me between the shoulderblades. I turned my head and saw Tattle standing there out of the corner of my eye. He had his taser on me.
I dropped the tray instantly and tensed up, waiting for the shock.
"No, Tattle, I got it," said Marshe.
Tattle stepped back, reluctantly.
Marshe stood up and brushed himself off. Then he reached down and pulled me to my feet. I stared down at the spilt foot mournfully. The cooks did not give seconds.
Once we were back in the cells, I changed my uniform. As I zipped up, Drago tossed something through the bars onto my bed. I examined it. It was one of the hard rolls we get with dinner.
"Thanks," I said.
He shrugged.
"Marshe is such a goddamn pain in the ass. He bumped me on purpose. He was bothering me in the exercise room too."
Flying Frog 'oohed'. "He's targeting you!"
I gnawed on the roll. Hard rolls WERE hard.
"He must want yer ass," said Drago. "But ya'd like that, wouldn't ya?"
I flopped down on the bed. "For the last time, I am not gay."
"Why should I believe ya?"
I bit off a piece of the roll. "Why do you think I'm gay? I haven't done anything to make you think that."
"Ya don't like porn."
"So what?"
"Look at ya, man. Yer skinny, yer short."
"That makes me gay?"
"Look at yer face. You have girly eyes, man. They're so perty and blue, and no straight guy has eyelashes that long."
I stared at my reflection in the side of my metal nighttable. I always thought my eyes were my best feature.
"It's not like I wear makeup. They're naturally like that."
"Yer just naturally gay."
"Shut up, Drago. I'm tired of it. Stop calling me gay. I'm not gay."
"Ya've gotten pussy?"
I scowled.
"C'mon, tell me."
"Why do you say that...that word? Why can't you just say 'woman'? A woman?"
"Ooh, so now he's a feminist!"
"No...but I have respect for other people!" I snapped. As soon as the sentence came out of my mouth, I knew it was a lie. Me? Respect other people? Maybe outwardly, because I had to, or I'd get hurt.
"Ya don't respect anybody," scoffed the wolf. "Don't give me that bull."
I set the roll down and rubbed my forehead. "Fine. But I do know that a woman is more than just one body part. You act like women exist just for you..."
"...to fuck," the wolf interjected. "'Cause it's true. What else are they good for? They're weak. They're dumb. They're afraid of everythan'."
"That's why your girlfriend beat the crap out of you, and got you put in prison, right? Because she's so stupid and weak?"
The wolf clenched his fist and came close to the bars separating his cell from mine. "Ya shut up."
"Or else what?" I whipped the half-eaten roll at him. It hit him in the face, making him angrier. He reached his arm through, struggling to grab me.
I leaned almost within his reach to taunt him. His fingertips brushed the air right in front of me, but he still couldn't touch me.
He withdrew his arm and picked up the roll. He threw it back at me, but it missed and hit the wall. Flying Frog reached through and nabbed it off my floor.
He threw it back at Drago, but it went through the bars and somewhere down the hallway.
"Oh dern it," he said. "I wanted to play catch."
"Play with yerself, instead," growled Drago.
The frog stuck out his tongue.
I picked up one of my books and read for a while.
Later, I leaned against the wall, thinking. There was always plenty of time to think around here.
So Drago thinks women are sex toys. That's not a big surprise, considering his magazines and whatnot. Me...I don't think that. I've seen that women can be just as strong as men, even stronger sometimes. Stronger than me, by far. But then, everybody's stronger than me.
I knock myself down all the time. I don't know why. Everybody else does. Maybe that's why. It's what I'm used to, at any rate. My whole life, I've never been taken seriously. It's my appearance, I suppose. Everything's appearance though, isn't it? A pretty girl's always going to get farther than an ugly one, even if she's dumber than the proverbial post, and the ugly one's a genius. That's how it was with me, I suppose.
I'm not stupid. I could've done something with my life. But I chose the wrong route. I thought it was right. I didn't know Julian was going to turn out to be a crackpot. But there's no use whining about it now. I can't change the past. Not unless I get a hold of those timestones...but even then, I don't know if I would. Because if I get out of this jail, maybe I'll be able to do something worthwhile.
But back to my initial topic: women. I'm not a...a what's the word...ah yes. Chauvinist. I'm not one of them. I don't think women are stupid or weak. It's quite the opposite, really. Maybe they're smarter than men. Some of them, anyway. But I'm not like those men. I don't give in to feelings. Besides, I don't have the emotional pattern of most men anyway...or even most human beings. I don't care about things like they do. I don't care about anything.
It's hard to care anymore. It doesn't seem like I'm going to get out of here. All my dreams, delusional as they were, are shattered. I have really nothing left.
Something whispered in my mind, but I couldn't make it out. So I shrugged it off.
The lights went out, and I checked my watch. It was bedtime. I slid under the covers and fell asleep.
I woke up later that night. It was kind of chilly, and I clutched my blanket closer. I heard a faint groaning.
I turned my head as sleep-like as I could. I could just see Drago out of the corner of my eye. He was moaning very softly, holding a magazine in one hand. His back was to me, so I raised my head up to watch.
He was masturbating, holy GOD!! I bit my lip to keep from laughing. I could see his huge fist moving up and down, and he groaned again.
"Oh man, baby. I got ya, I'd fuckin' oooh!" He bucked his hips up a little, making his cot creak loudly.
I couldn't help it. I snickered. He turned around, holding a rather big body part in his hand.
"What the fuck ya starin' at, cueball? I knew ya was gay."
I didn't say anything, just laughed. He walked over to my cell, shoving his erection through the bars. "C'mon cueball...why don't ya give it a suck? I know ya like it."
I picked up the magazine off the floor. He watched me. Then I hurled it. It struck him right square in the crotch. He leaped back, shrieking.
"YA LITTLE FUCKER!!"
I kept laughing.
"What the hell is all this racket?" Marshe appeared in the hallway, shining his flashlight into our cells. The light stopped on Drago's crotch.
"You sure got a big'un," said the guard. Then his light shone onto me, glaring in my eyes. "Oh...so that's how it is, eh? You like to give head, don't ya, Sniv'?"
I moved out of his beam, but he moved it after me. "Stop it," I said. He shone the light on the floor instead.
I heard the zip-zip of a zipper lowering. "You'd give me head, wouldn't you?" Marshe's voice was low and gravelly.
"You're out of your mind," I said.
"C'mon Sniv'." The guard's voice was almost desperate.
"NO."
I heard the jingle of keys next. He was opening my cell! I felt my heart flutter violently in my chest. Oh God...he's gonna force me...he's gonna...
My fists clenched, my muscles tensed up. I was going to have to fight.
He came into the cell and closed it behind him. I saw his eyes shining strangely, his breath coming in pants. I backed away.
Drago crossed his arms and watched.
Marshe grabbed at me, and shoved me to the floor. "Do it and I won't hurt you," he said.
I punched him. Right in the nuts. He stumbled backwards, groaning. I tried to bolt for the door, because it wasn't locked, but he grabbed me by the back of the shirt. He threw me against the wall.
"You've got such a cute ass," he said. "It's a shame to let it go to waste."
"YOU SICK BASTARD!!!" I punched as hard as I could, catching him right in the jaw. He grunted and stumbled. I felt tears in my eyes; my knuckles felt busted.
But I didn't pause to check. I pushed him, sending him toppling to the floor. Before he could move, I stomped down hard on his crotch. He squealed. I ran for the door, but his hand closed around my ankle. I screamed and kicked with my free foot. Suddenly, a white hand reached past my captured foot, and grabbed Marshe by the wrist. The white hand tightened, and Marshe screamed. I heard a crack. Broken bones?
I looked over. Drago had his arm thrust through the bars. He caught my eye and nodded. I pulled my foot free. But before I could get anywhere, another guard came running down the hall.
"Cruds," he said, his flashlight shining over me and the prone Marshe. "What's happening here?!"
"Get him out," I growled. "GET HIM OUT!!"
The guard nodded, looking a bit shocked. But he wasn't stupid. He cuffed my hand to the bars before coming in. Then he dragged Marshe out, uncuffed me, and locked the door.
I sank down onto the bed, feeling sick. The adrelinin was fading from my veins. Realization hit me...I could've been molested...even...even raped.
I curled up, shaking in a sudden attack of panic. I heard Drago snort and his bed creak as he sat down, but I ignored it all.
I did not have pleasant dreams that night.