The misadventures of Professor Matthews - chapter two
It turned out that Harry, Ron and Hermione had defence first thing the next morning.
"Tell us how it is!" Fred said as they left the Great Hall.
"We will," Ron promised.
The trio made their way to the defence classroom and took out their books. The first bell rang, then the second. Twenty minutes later, Professor Matthews still hadn't arrived.
"Maybe Snape poisoned him?" Harry said.
"Possible," Ron said.
It was at this moment Professor Matthews made his entrance, shoelaces untied, robes half unbuttoned and a piece of toast hanging out of his mouth. The class could still see his board shorts and Hawaiian shirt underneath his robes.
It was unknown to Professor Matthews that Filch had waxed all the floors the previous day, and that they were still slippery. He unsuccessfully tried to stop at his desk and kept on sliding, until he crashed through a window, shattering the glass and disappearing.
The class gathered around the window. Professor Matthews was lying spread legged in a huge pile of Hagrid's compost.
"It's okay," he yelled up at them. "I meant to do that! Why don't you take your seats and I'll be up there in a minute."
The class went back to their seats, Hermione repairing the window before returning to hers.
It was only a few minutes before Professor Matthews was back in the classroom smelling terrible and covered in blood.
"That happens far more often then it should," he sighed.
"Perhaps you should go to the hospital wing?" Dean said.
"Nah. 'Tis only a flesh wound," Professor Matthews said.
"But sir," said Seamus, "you have a huge piece of glass in your arm!"
"Mmm?" Professor Matthews said, looking at his arm. "Well, would you look at that. That is a huge piece of glass. Nasty bugger," he said pulling it out of his arm as he spoke. He then held the piece of glass up to the light to admire it. He then threw it in the trash can and wiped his hands. "Problem solved," he said, sitting on the edge of his desk.
Lavender looked like she was going to be sick.
Professor Matthews looked down at his surf watch. "I haven't wasted this much time in class since I let a group of hippogriffs go in Care of Magical creatures!" he said.
Half the class looked horrified while the other half sniggered. Harry made a mental note to tell Sirius about this guy.
"Seeing as we've lost so much time why don't you guys ask me some questions, to get to know me," Professor Matthews said.
Hermione started waving her hand in the air.
"Yes... er..."
"Hermione, sir. Hermione Granger. Are you actually a qualified teacher?"
He raised an eyebrow and said, "Would Dumbledore hire me if I wasn't? Oh ye of little faith," he said.
Hermione didn't press the matter furthur.
"How old are you sir?" Parvati Patil asked.
"Twenty five."
"How old are you mentally?"
"You should probably ask Professor McGonagall that," he sniggered. "You'd get quite an interesting answer."
"Why do you dress like that?" Lavender asked.
"Hey this is stylish!" Professor Matthews insisted.
"Are you part of the Matthews' family?" Neville asked.
"Matthews' from Ireland, or Matthew's from England?"
"England."
"Yep."
"Really?"
Professor Matthews put his hands on his hips. "Yes, really. They disowned me not the other way around." Seeing the horrified looks on the students faces he said, "I was only joking! My mum loves me! She bought me this shirt!"
"What do you like to do in your spare time?" Ron asked.
"I like to watch re-runs of The Bill," Professor Matthews said.
"How do you watch television at Hogwarts? Electronics don't work here," Hermione said.
"I had all my electrical equipment fixed," Professor Matthews said. "So now I can watch it whenever I like!"
"Isn't that illegal?" Hermione asked.
"It's only illegal if people find out," Professor Matthews said.
"What if people find out? Won't you get in trouble if you get caught?" Hermione said.
"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione. You only get in trouble if you get caught."
Ron sniggered. "What would happen if you did get caught?" he asked.
"When in doubt, deny, deny, deny. It works with homework too," Professor Matthews winked.
"Were your parents witches and wizards?" Dean asked.
"I'm half and half. Didn't you get the Monty Python quote?"
The bell then rang and everyone packed up and left for their next class. Harry waited until everyone had gone and then walked up to Professor Matthews.
"Sir, did you know my father?" Harry asked.
Professor Matthews looked up from putting his things away and said, "Harry, how old do you think I am?"
"Sorry sir," Harry said before making a speedy exit.
It turned out that Harry, Ron and Hermione had defence first thing the next morning.
"Tell us how it is!" Fred said as they left the Great Hall.
"We will," Ron promised.
The trio made their way to the defence classroom and took out their books. The first bell rang, then the second. Twenty minutes later, Professor Matthews still hadn't arrived.
"Maybe Snape poisoned him?" Harry said.
"Possible," Ron said.
It was at this moment Professor Matthews made his entrance, shoelaces untied, robes half unbuttoned and a piece of toast hanging out of his mouth. The class could still see his board shorts and Hawaiian shirt underneath his robes.
It was unknown to Professor Matthews that Filch had waxed all the floors the previous day, and that they were still slippery. He unsuccessfully tried to stop at his desk and kept on sliding, until he crashed through a window, shattering the glass and disappearing.
The class gathered around the window. Professor Matthews was lying spread legged in a huge pile of Hagrid's compost.
"It's okay," he yelled up at them. "I meant to do that! Why don't you take your seats and I'll be up there in a minute."
The class went back to their seats, Hermione repairing the window before returning to hers.
It was only a few minutes before Professor Matthews was back in the classroom smelling terrible and covered in blood.
"That happens far more often then it should," he sighed.
"Perhaps you should go to the hospital wing?" Dean said.
"Nah. 'Tis only a flesh wound," Professor Matthews said.
"But sir," said Seamus, "you have a huge piece of glass in your arm!"
"Mmm?" Professor Matthews said, looking at his arm. "Well, would you look at that. That is a huge piece of glass. Nasty bugger," he said pulling it out of his arm as he spoke. He then held the piece of glass up to the light to admire it. He then threw it in the trash can and wiped his hands. "Problem solved," he said, sitting on the edge of his desk.
Lavender looked like she was going to be sick.
Professor Matthews looked down at his surf watch. "I haven't wasted this much time in class since I let a group of hippogriffs go in Care of Magical creatures!" he said.
Half the class looked horrified while the other half sniggered. Harry made a mental note to tell Sirius about this guy.
"Seeing as we've lost so much time why don't you guys ask me some questions, to get to know me," Professor Matthews said.
Hermione started waving her hand in the air.
"Yes... er..."
"Hermione, sir. Hermione Granger. Are you actually a qualified teacher?"
He raised an eyebrow and said, "Would Dumbledore hire me if I wasn't? Oh ye of little faith," he said.
Hermione didn't press the matter furthur.
"How old are you sir?" Parvati Patil asked.
"Twenty five."
"How old are you mentally?"
"You should probably ask Professor McGonagall that," he sniggered. "You'd get quite an interesting answer."
"Why do you dress like that?" Lavender asked.
"Hey this is stylish!" Professor Matthews insisted.
"Are you part of the Matthews' family?" Neville asked.
"Matthews' from Ireland, or Matthew's from England?"
"England."
"Yep."
"Really?"
Professor Matthews put his hands on his hips. "Yes, really. They disowned me not the other way around." Seeing the horrified looks on the students faces he said, "I was only joking! My mum loves me! She bought me this shirt!"
"What do you like to do in your spare time?" Ron asked.
"I like to watch re-runs of The Bill," Professor Matthews said.
"How do you watch television at Hogwarts? Electronics don't work here," Hermione said.
"I had all my electrical equipment fixed," Professor Matthews said. "So now I can watch it whenever I like!"
"Isn't that illegal?" Hermione asked.
"It's only illegal if people find out," Professor Matthews said.
"What if people find out? Won't you get in trouble if you get caught?" Hermione said.
"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione. You only get in trouble if you get caught."
Ron sniggered. "What would happen if you did get caught?" he asked.
"When in doubt, deny, deny, deny. It works with homework too," Professor Matthews winked.
"Were your parents witches and wizards?" Dean asked.
"I'm half and half. Didn't you get the Monty Python quote?"
The bell then rang and everyone packed up and left for their next class. Harry waited until everyone had gone and then walked up to Professor Matthews.
"Sir, did you know my father?" Harry asked.
Professor Matthews looked up from putting his things away and said, "Harry, how old do you think I am?"
"Sorry sir," Harry said before making a speedy exit.