A/N—I wasn't going to write a 2nd chapter, as I didn't really know what to
do with one, but then a rabid plot bunny bit me and I came up with this.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Disclaimer—er……..uh…………..????
More Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit-Fancier
Day 1
Have started new journal, seeing as LOTR canon is FUBAR* due to me. Hey, bad guys should get to win sometimes, right? Besides, Sauron SO very hot, just HAD to help him w/villainous plans. Also, got two nice hobbits as pets. Not a bad start to a new life. MUCH better than crappy therapy w/quack.
Day 5
Sauron not around much. Says pillaging and destruction take most of his attention and I must be patient. If I was patient, I'd still be home, working on crappy marriage w/pervy elf-fancier!
Day 7
Witch-King of Angmar teasing me about my Saurony-boo's extended absences. Have cut off his head with his own sword (forgot Sauron gave it to ME, didn't ya, Angy-boy?) Unfortunately, undead Minions of Evil have nasty habit of not dying, even when heads cut off with own sword. Not good.
Day 13
Sauron home at last! Yay!! Have not written because have not crawled out of bed since he came home, except to play in dungeons. Pet hobbits complaining I neglect them. Tough cookies, hobbits! When Sauron is home, all else takes back seat. Man is insatiable! Now, if only he'd stick around a bit, life would be good.
Day 15
Witch-King complained to Sauron that I cut off his head with own sword. Sauron stuck up for me. Take THAT, whiny Nazgul-who-can't-capture-two- simple-hobbits!!
Day 17
Sauron gone again. Sigh. Been spending time w/pet hobbits. Sam's foot rubs always help foul moods, but Frodo still pissy about my betrayal. Says I should be ashamed for directly causing the enslavement of Middle Earth's free peoples! As if!!
Day 22
Delegation of poncy elves turned up at doorstep today, whining about enslavement, destruction of forests, desolation of land, etc etc yadda yadda. Slammed door in their faces. Honestly, elves worse than Jehovah's Witnesses!
Day 24
Witch-King complaining that I have pet hobbits and his sword, and he has nothing. Told him to go catch his OWN pet hobbits, dammit! Doesn't that Wraith do anything but complain??
Day 27
Sauron not back yet! Ten days and no action, this is NOT why I came to Middle-Earth! Beginning to remember why hobbits so hot, esp. Frodo. He's still pissed off at me but he'll come around. He damn well better or I'll feed him to a Balrog!
Day 32
So bored. Sigh. No sign of Sauron. Am beginning to worry poncy elves caught up with him on road somewhere. On 2nd thought, Nah! Poncy elves no match for my Saurony-boo.
Day 34
Witch-King teasing me again. Have set him on fire for pestering my poor little Frodo. Think I won brownie points w/hobbits for that.
Day 38
Hobbits really ARE cute little things, aren't they? Frodo w/his big blue eyes and Sam w/those foot rubs…..better than own fingers, esp. since Sauron still god-knows-where doing god-knows-what.
Day 42
WHERE THE HELL IS SAURON?????
Day 43
Stupid Sauron, never home. I just bet he's out shagging some bit of elf tail on the side! I'll show him, dammit, I know where he hides One Ring! If he doesn't get home soon………
Day 44
Sauron back, and about time!! Gave him severe tongue-lashing, AND told him off too. He liked the tongue-lashing. Brought me many presents, including Aragorn's head on a platter! Very messy, but nice in a sick sort of way. Isn't evil grand?
Day 47
Sauron gone AGAIN!! Frodo says if he lusts after me so much, why is he gone all the time?? Witch-King said much the same thing, but he's a nancy- boy who can't catch hobbits for love nor money, so I ignored his words and set him on fire again. Witch-King burns so nicely. But now Frodo says same thing……makes me think there's something to it.
Day 50
This whole Evil Wins thing isn't turning out to be all it's advertised. Was expecting lust-filled life complete w/whips and manacles, have gotten stuck home with whiny Witch-King. At least he loses at poker. Now I have nice new black tattered robes, and he's nancing around all invisible, except for his boots. V. funny.
Day 52
Still no Sauron. Sigh. Frodo thinks am being used. Beginning to agree. Hobbits so cute, really. Should move to the Shire, set myself up as Queen there.
Day 54
Discussed taking over Shire w/Frodo. He pointed out Sauron not big into sharing power, even over little place like Shire. Who says anything about sharing?? I STILL know where he hides the One Ring when he's home. Think I will steal it and take over this mickey mouse operation.
Day 57
Plan is set, just need Sauron to come home w/Ring. I hate waiting!! On upside, Sam's foot rubs have gotten even better. AND Frodo has gotten over being pissy at me for earlier betrayal. Had v. nice cuddlefest w/both hobbits. Those big feet aren't the only part of hobbits that's big!!
Day 60
Sauron home at last!!! Will get him nice and drunk, then put evil plan in motion. Will write more once things settle down.
*FUBAR—Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
Disclaimer—er……..uh…………..????
More Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit-Fancier
Day 1
Have started new journal, seeing as LOTR canon is FUBAR* due to me. Hey, bad guys should get to win sometimes, right? Besides, Sauron SO very hot, just HAD to help him w/villainous plans. Also, got two nice hobbits as pets. Not a bad start to a new life. MUCH better than crappy therapy w/quack.
Day 5
Sauron not around much. Says pillaging and destruction take most of his attention and I must be patient. If I was patient, I'd still be home, working on crappy marriage w/pervy elf-fancier!
Day 7
Witch-King of Angmar teasing me about my Saurony-boo's extended absences. Have cut off his head with his own sword (forgot Sauron gave it to ME, didn't ya, Angy-boy?) Unfortunately, undead Minions of Evil have nasty habit of not dying, even when heads cut off with own sword. Not good.
Day 13
Sauron home at last! Yay!! Have not written because have not crawled out of bed since he came home, except to play in dungeons. Pet hobbits complaining I neglect them. Tough cookies, hobbits! When Sauron is home, all else takes back seat. Man is insatiable! Now, if only he'd stick around a bit, life would be good.
Day 15
Witch-King complained to Sauron that I cut off his head with own sword. Sauron stuck up for me. Take THAT, whiny Nazgul-who-can't-capture-two- simple-hobbits!!
Day 17
Sauron gone again. Sigh. Been spending time w/pet hobbits. Sam's foot rubs always help foul moods, but Frodo still pissy about my betrayal. Says I should be ashamed for directly causing the enslavement of Middle Earth's free peoples! As if!!
Day 22
Delegation of poncy elves turned up at doorstep today, whining about enslavement, destruction of forests, desolation of land, etc etc yadda yadda. Slammed door in their faces. Honestly, elves worse than Jehovah's Witnesses!
Day 24
Witch-King complaining that I have pet hobbits and his sword, and he has nothing. Told him to go catch his OWN pet hobbits, dammit! Doesn't that Wraith do anything but complain??
Day 27
Sauron not back yet! Ten days and no action, this is NOT why I came to Middle-Earth! Beginning to remember why hobbits so hot, esp. Frodo. He's still pissed off at me but he'll come around. He damn well better or I'll feed him to a Balrog!
Day 32
So bored. Sigh. No sign of Sauron. Am beginning to worry poncy elves caught up with him on road somewhere. On 2nd thought, Nah! Poncy elves no match for my Saurony-boo.
Day 34
Witch-King teasing me again. Have set him on fire for pestering my poor little Frodo. Think I won brownie points w/hobbits for that.
Day 38
Hobbits really ARE cute little things, aren't they? Frodo w/his big blue eyes and Sam w/those foot rubs…..better than own fingers, esp. since Sauron still god-knows-where doing god-knows-what.
Day 42
WHERE THE HELL IS SAURON?????
Day 43
Stupid Sauron, never home. I just bet he's out shagging some bit of elf tail on the side! I'll show him, dammit, I know where he hides One Ring! If he doesn't get home soon………
Day 44
Sauron back, and about time!! Gave him severe tongue-lashing, AND told him off too. He liked the tongue-lashing. Brought me many presents, including Aragorn's head on a platter! Very messy, but nice in a sick sort of way. Isn't evil grand?
Day 47
Sauron gone AGAIN!! Frodo says if he lusts after me so much, why is he gone all the time?? Witch-King said much the same thing, but he's a nancy- boy who can't catch hobbits for love nor money, so I ignored his words and set him on fire again. Witch-King burns so nicely. But now Frodo says same thing……makes me think there's something to it.
Day 50
This whole Evil Wins thing isn't turning out to be all it's advertised. Was expecting lust-filled life complete w/whips and manacles, have gotten stuck home with whiny Witch-King. At least he loses at poker. Now I have nice new black tattered robes, and he's nancing around all invisible, except for his boots. V. funny.
Day 52
Still no Sauron. Sigh. Frodo thinks am being used. Beginning to agree. Hobbits so cute, really. Should move to the Shire, set myself up as Queen there.
Day 54
Discussed taking over Shire w/Frodo. He pointed out Sauron not big into sharing power, even over little place like Shire. Who says anything about sharing?? I STILL know where he hides the One Ring when he's home. Think I will steal it and take over this mickey mouse operation.
Day 57
Plan is set, just need Sauron to come home w/Ring. I hate waiting!! On upside, Sam's foot rubs have gotten even better. AND Frodo has gotten over being pissy at me for earlier betrayal. Had v. nice cuddlefest w/both hobbits. Those big feet aren't the only part of hobbits that's big!!
Day 60
Sauron home at last!!! Will get him nice and drunk, then put evil plan in motion. Will write more once things settle down.
*FUBAR—Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition