A/N—how come the stupid fics won't leave me alone and the good, serious
ones I REALLY want to work on are firmly stuck in Writer's Block Hell??????
BTW—FictionHobbit, is that a good "GAH" or a bad "GAH"?
Disclaimer--same blank look as before. Author may be brain-damaged from too much parody
Still More Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit-Fancier
Day 1
Started another new journal for evil take-over-Middle-Earth-from-Sauron plan. Unfortunately, plan on hold. Saurony-boo came home in ultra-pissy mood, wanted rough sex to soothe frayed nerves. Like I'm gonna turn down an offer like that in favor of evil plots!!
Day 2
Found out what's bothering Sauron. Seems Aragorn knocked up some elf trollop before getting beheaded. Didn't know Aragorn was that manly, always struck me as a slashy boy with hobbit fixation. Witch-King said I should talk when mentioned this. Stupid Witch-King! How many times do I have to set him on fire before he gets the hint???? I may have hobbit fixation but I'm not a slashy boy! Besides, a girl really MUST have something besides own fingers to occupy her.
Day 3
Of all the nerve! Sauron wants ME to go dust off knocked-up-elf-trollop! Seems we can't have another Isildur's Heir running around loose, fouling up evil plans. Something about prophesy, as if I give a flying rat's ass about stupid prophesy! Why do * I * have to do all the dirty work??? Why can't Witch-King earn his keep once in a while?? HE'S supposedly the Head Minion of Evil around here, not me!
Day 6
Stupid Witch-King. Irritating prat has done nothing but rub in my face that I have to go kill off silly elf-wench while HE gets to stay home! I just KNOW he's going to crawl into MY Sauron's bed the second my back is turned! He better not, or I'll do worse to him than just set him on fire. Have become great friends with local Balrog, a cousin of the one in Moria. Will feed Witch-King to Balrog buddy if he so much as LOOKS at Sauron in a way I don't like!
Day 10
Tried like hell, but just can't get out of it. Am now on the road, on my way to dust that stupid elf-wench. Am NOT happy! Road is cold and boring, Mordor still v. smelly and ugly, all in all, am NOT liking this one little bit! STILL think this should be stupid Witch-King's job, but Sauron said since I'm the one who delivered the goods last time, I'm the one he trusts to pull off this shit job. I swear, it never pays to be efficient!
On upside, talked Sauron into letting me take pet hobbits along, so at least am still getting laid. Sam does wonders with travel rations, too.
Day 18
Stupid road really DOES go ever on and on. Damn Witch-King, useless slacker should be here, not me! At least have cute cuddly hobbits to cheer me up. Have shown Frodo tongue-lashing trick I used on Sauron. Big blue eyes so attractive when rolling up into his head like that. Made the most interesting noises, too. Didn't know hobbit vocal chords did that. V. educational, v. fun. Sam got jealous so had to show him too. Not as much fun as Frodo, but still made cute little hobbit noises.
Day 21
Goddamn poncy elves…..got self captured by roving band of them. Took pet hobbits away and everything!! No wonder Sauron hated them so much, useless bunch of nancy-boys. On upside, hobbits didn't want to leave me. So cute. Tongue-lashing trick worked wonders.
Day 23
Hate elves. Hate their perfect hair. Hate their stupid sissy knives. Hate their girly clothes. Hate poncy way they run. Can't tell girls from boys and it's driving me nuts!! Could be staring RIGHT AT stupid elf- trollop I'm supposed to kill and would never know! Also, miss pet hobbits. Am NOT a happy camper.
Day 25
Lembas giving me gas. Stupid elves complaining about smell. Told them don't like it, can always set me loose. Stupid elves didn't buy that. Found out today am being taken to Rivendell. Suppose that's something, have always wanted to see Rivendell. Sauron promised to take me but never did, the lying bastard. Should know better than to trust stupid Evil Dark Lord, not matter how hot. Hobbits hotter, anyway. Miss hobbits.
Day 27
So bored. Nothing to do, no one to do, bored bored bored. Elves beginning to look good. Really miss my hobbits!
Day 28
My hobbits came to see me! Yay! Had nice cuddlefest, just the 3 of us. Am pretty sure elves watched, but don't care. Maybe useless nancy boy elves learned something.
Day 31
Ten days captured by elves worse than ten days in dungeons of Barad Dur! At least there had whips and manacles to play with. Here, just crappy elves being patronizing. Hate elves.
Day 33
Some elf king turned up today, Tharan-something-or-other. Isn't that Legolas's father? Legolas must take after his mom, cause this elf is one fugly mutha! Didn't know elves could be ugly, but this one is! High and mighty git, too. Questioned me all about Sauron's evil plan, how he got hands on One Ring, yadda yadda. Lied thru teeth, of course.
Day 34
Tharan-whatshisname finally left. Something about riding ahead to Rivendell to alert them we're coming. Who cares?
Day 35
Have found out pet hobbits whining about missing me. So cute. Elves returned pet hobbits, now have something to do! Yay! Must go, Frodo wants tongue-lashing.
Day 36
Have decided to leave Sauron for Frodo. Cute hobbit much more satisfying. Around more, too. Plus, comes with handy faithful body-servant for extra play. So now hobbits and I are back to plotting overthrow of Sauron. Forgot to mention I nicked One Ring right before leaving Barad Dur on idiot errand for Sauron. Forgot had nicked it, actually, until just today. Stupid me, coulda used the thing to escape poncy elves. Oh well, time spent with elves educational, in a dull sort of way. Is hobbits' fault I forgot anyway. Hobbits more distracting than Sauron's whips and manacles! Much more distracting than silly Ring. Never did get what the big deal w/Ring is, anyway.
Day 37
Told Frodo about having One Ring. He got all weird on me and tried to grab it. Slapped him around some, but elves stopped me. Stupid elves. Got all excited when found out about One Ring. KNEW there was reason I'd forgotten to mention it!
Day 39
NOW I get what big deal w/ ring is!! Pretty Ring is MINE, dammit!! MINE!! I stole it, I'm keeping it! Frodo can go to hell, big blue eyes or not. Don't care about Fate of Middle Earth. Woulda thought original betrayal to Sauron's side would have clued everyone in on that. Stupid hobbits. Stupid elves. Stupid Middle Earth.
Day 40
Big hoo-hah about One Ring. Some elf git tried to take it from me, so I bit him. Didn't like that, but now elves stay away. Something about rabies. As if!!
Day 43
Finally reached Rivendell. Been arguing with Frodo over One Ring. Sam of course always takes Frodo's side. Why do all males suck so completely? Pretty ring so obviously belongs on a girl. All in all, life v. stressful. Beginning to miss therapist. Beginning to miss pervy elf-fancier ex! Think I will play w/shiny Ring to soothe nerves. Hobbits no help anymore soothing them, hobbits main source of stress lately.
Day 45
Men suck. Idiot males ganged up on me and decided pretty Ring must go BACK to Mordor and be thrown into fires of Mt. Doom. Didn't we do this already? Frodo out of his mind if he thinks he's going to be Ringbearer again. He lost it thru stupidity, he's NOT getting it back. Don't care how hot he is, Ring is still MINE, I will take stupid thing back to Mordor if anyone's going to. Want to check up on Sauron and Witch-King anyway. I just KNOW they're up to no good. Cheating bastards. Men Suck. Think I will try elf girls. That Arwen is a hottie, even if she's all knocked up w/Isildur's Heir. Wait, aren't I supposed to kill her?
Day 47
V. depressed. Arwen not into experimentation, Frodo back to being pissy over Ring, Sam sticking up for Frodo, am surrounded by poncy elves. Not a happy camper.
Day 49
Many ppl showing up in Rivendell. Elrond (useless git if I ever met one, won't do any work, makes everyone else do his dirty deeds for him) is setting up new Fellowship. Don't these idiots learn from their mistakes??
Day 50
Met soulmate!! Surprisingly enough, NOT a hobbit. Is Legolas, who got suckered into New Fellowship. Poor thing, he's as disgusted w/entire situation as I am. Am trying to talk him into letting me claim One Ring and rule Middle Earth as my Evil Consort. Not sure if he's buying it.
Day 52
Stupid Legolas. Overdeveloped sense of elf-honor won't let him be my Evil Consort. Guess I'm stuck w/stupid New Fellowship scheme to toss shiny Ring into fire. I swear we did this already……….
Day 54
Stupid New Fellowship ready to leave Rivendell. Haven't written who's in it b/c don't much care. Frodo and Sam, of course. Me, since I have made practice of biting anyone who tries to take MY RING. Legolas. Apparently Elrond, the useless git, thinks he can control me. As if!! Some other ppl.
Later same day
Other ppl found out haven't mentioned them in diary and are giving me shit, so here's full list of idiots in New Fellowship. 9 of 'em of course. Elrond, the stupid git, has a bug up his ass over number 9. So, full Fellowship is as follows:
Me---duh!
Frodo---who just BETTER not try anything w/MY RING!!
Sam---double duh, where Frodo goes, Sam goes. Those two are attached at the hip! Used to be cute, now is mainly annoying. Except when he's giving foot rubs.
Legolas---still running like a girl, still has no chance in hell of controlling me. Is not soulmate as once supposed. Is just irritating poncy elf.
Radagast the Brown---Gotta have a Wizard and apparently Gandalf is indisposed. Don't know where, don't care. Radagast is nitwit, always talking to birds and such.
Faramir of Gondor---Now THERE'S a slashy boy of the first degree! Eowyn actually FELL for this twit?? Faramir's already making eyes at Frodo. Must remind him Frodo is MINE. Well, mine and Sam's, but then again, Sam's mine too.
Some dwarf who's name I can't remember. Feely son of Touchy, for all I know. Or care.
Another elf, that dude who lost his job to Arwen in the movie. Glorfindal, or some such. He's not as poncy as most elves. Almost manly, if you can believe that.
Bunny---a girl ranger. Apparently there's a clause in the Ranger Contract that says at least one Ranger must accompany each and every quest in Middle Earth. Would like to know where Bilbo's required Ranger was! Still, Bunny a hottie, and human too. Would give up hobbit-fancying for her, except she keeps making eyes at the elves.
Must go, fingers are cramping. From writing, not from that!! Fighting w/Frodo turns us both on, and we do nothing but argue over Ring. Sam v. annoyed. Too bad. He knows he's always welcome to join us, silly hobbit. Rest of idiot new Fellowship annoyed too, but don't care. Will have SOME fun on this stupid trip before must give up my pretty shiny Ring. Dammit, life sucks, even in Middle earth.
BTW—FictionHobbit, is that a good "GAH" or a bad "GAH"?
Disclaimer--same blank look as before. Author may be brain-damaged from too much parody
Still More Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit-Fancier
Day 1
Started another new journal for evil take-over-Middle-Earth-from-Sauron plan. Unfortunately, plan on hold. Saurony-boo came home in ultra-pissy mood, wanted rough sex to soothe frayed nerves. Like I'm gonna turn down an offer like that in favor of evil plots!!
Day 2
Found out what's bothering Sauron. Seems Aragorn knocked up some elf trollop before getting beheaded. Didn't know Aragorn was that manly, always struck me as a slashy boy with hobbit fixation. Witch-King said I should talk when mentioned this. Stupid Witch-King! How many times do I have to set him on fire before he gets the hint???? I may have hobbit fixation but I'm not a slashy boy! Besides, a girl really MUST have something besides own fingers to occupy her.
Day 3
Of all the nerve! Sauron wants ME to go dust off knocked-up-elf-trollop! Seems we can't have another Isildur's Heir running around loose, fouling up evil plans. Something about prophesy, as if I give a flying rat's ass about stupid prophesy! Why do * I * have to do all the dirty work??? Why can't Witch-King earn his keep once in a while?? HE'S supposedly the Head Minion of Evil around here, not me!
Day 6
Stupid Witch-King. Irritating prat has done nothing but rub in my face that I have to go kill off silly elf-wench while HE gets to stay home! I just KNOW he's going to crawl into MY Sauron's bed the second my back is turned! He better not, or I'll do worse to him than just set him on fire. Have become great friends with local Balrog, a cousin of the one in Moria. Will feed Witch-King to Balrog buddy if he so much as LOOKS at Sauron in a way I don't like!
Day 10
Tried like hell, but just can't get out of it. Am now on the road, on my way to dust that stupid elf-wench. Am NOT happy! Road is cold and boring, Mordor still v. smelly and ugly, all in all, am NOT liking this one little bit! STILL think this should be stupid Witch-King's job, but Sauron said since I'm the one who delivered the goods last time, I'm the one he trusts to pull off this shit job. I swear, it never pays to be efficient!
On upside, talked Sauron into letting me take pet hobbits along, so at least am still getting laid. Sam does wonders with travel rations, too.
Day 18
Stupid road really DOES go ever on and on. Damn Witch-King, useless slacker should be here, not me! At least have cute cuddly hobbits to cheer me up. Have shown Frodo tongue-lashing trick I used on Sauron. Big blue eyes so attractive when rolling up into his head like that. Made the most interesting noises, too. Didn't know hobbit vocal chords did that. V. educational, v. fun. Sam got jealous so had to show him too. Not as much fun as Frodo, but still made cute little hobbit noises.
Day 21
Goddamn poncy elves…..got self captured by roving band of them. Took pet hobbits away and everything!! No wonder Sauron hated them so much, useless bunch of nancy-boys. On upside, hobbits didn't want to leave me. So cute. Tongue-lashing trick worked wonders.
Day 23
Hate elves. Hate their perfect hair. Hate their stupid sissy knives. Hate their girly clothes. Hate poncy way they run. Can't tell girls from boys and it's driving me nuts!! Could be staring RIGHT AT stupid elf- trollop I'm supposed to kill and would never know! Also, miss pet hobbits. Am NOT a happy camper.
Day 25
Lembas giving me gas. Stupid elves complaining about smell. Told them don't like it, can always set me loose. Stupid elves didn't buy that. Found out today am being taken to Rivendell. Suppose that's something, have always wanted to see Rivendell. Sauron promised to take me but never did, the lying bastard. Should know better than to trust stupid Evil Dark Lord, not matter how hot. Hobbits hotter, anyway. Miss hobbits.
Day 27
So bored. Nothing to do, no one to do, bored bored bored. Elves beginning to look good. Really miss my hobbits!
Day 28
My hobbits came to see me! Yay! Had nice cuddlefest, just the 3 of us. Am pretty sure elves watched, but don't care. Maybe useless nancy boy elves learned something.
Day 31
Ten days captured by elves worse than ten days in dungeons of Barad Dur! At least there had whips and manacles to play with. Here, just crappy elves being patronizing. Hate elves.
Day 33
Some elf king turned up today, Tharan-something-or-other. Isn't that Legolas's father? Legolas must take after his mom, cause this elf is one fugly mutha! Didn't know elves could be ugly, but this one is! High and mighty git, too. Questioned me all about Sauron's evil plan, how he got hands on One Ring, yadda yadda. Lied thru teeth, of course.
Day 34
Tharan-whatshisname finally left. Something about riding ahead to Rivendell to alert them we're coming. Who cares?
Day 35
Have found out pet hobbits whining about missing me. So cute. Elves returned pet hobbits, now have something to do! Yay! Must go, Frodo wants tongue-lashing.
Day 36
Have decided to leave Sauron for Frodo. Cute hobbit much more satisfying. Around more, too. Plus, comes with handy faithful body-servant for extra play. So now hobbits and I are back to plotting overthrow of Sauron. Forgot to mention I nicked One Ring right before leaving Barad Dur on idiot errand for Sauron. Forgot had nicked it, actually, until just today. Stupid me, coulda used the thing to escape poncy elves. Oh well, time spent with elves educational, in a dull sort of way. Is hobbits' fault I forgot anyway. Hobbits more distracting than Sauron's whips and manacles! Much more distracting than silly Ring. Never did get what the big deal w/Ring is, anyway.
Day 37
Told Frodo about having One Ring. He got all weird on me and tried to grab it. Slapped him around some, but elves stopped me. Stupid elves. Got all excited when found out about One Ring. KNEW there was reason I'd forgotten to mention it!
Day 39
NOW I get what big deal w/ ring is!! Pretty Ring is MINE, dammit!! MINE!! I stole it, I'm keeping it! Frodo can go to hell, big blue eyes or not. Don't care about Fate of Middle Earth. Woulda thought original betrayal to Sauron's side would have clued everyone in on that. Stupid hobbits. Stupid elves. Stupid Middle Earth.
Day 40
Big hoo-hah about One Ring. Some elf git tried to take it from me, so I bit him. Didn't like that, but now elves stay away. Something about rabies. As if!!
Day 43
Finally reached Rivendell. Been arguing with Frodo over One Ring. Sam of course always takes Frodo's side. Why do all males suck so completely? Pretty ring so obviously belongs on a girl. All in all, life v. stressful. Beginning to miss therapist. Beginning to miss pervy elf-fancier ex! Think I will play w/shiny Ring to soothe nerves. Hobbits no help anymore soothing them, hobbits main source of stress lately.
Day 45
Men suck. Idiot males ganged up on me and decided pretty Ring must go BACK to Mordor and be thrown into fires of Mt. Doom. Didn't we do this already? Frodo out of his mind if he thinks he's going to be Ringbearer again. He lost it thru stupidity, he's NOT getting it back. Don't care how hot he is, Ring is still MINE, I will take stupid thing back to Mordor if anyone's going to. Want to check up on Sauron and Witch-King anyway. I just KNOW they're up to no good. Cheating bastards. Men Suck. Think I will try elf girls. That Arwen is a hottie, even if she's all knocked up w/Isildur's Heir. Wait, aren't I supposed to kill her?
Day 47
V. depressed. Arwen not into experimentation, Frodo back to being pissy over Ring, Sam sticking up for Frodo, am surrounded by poncy elves. Not a happy camper.
Day 49
Many ppl showing up in Rivendell. Elrond (useless git if I ever met one, won't do any work, makes everyone else do his dirty deeds for him) is setting up new Fellowship. Don't these idiots learn from their mistakes??
Day 50
Met soulmate!! Surprisingly enough, NOT a hobbit. Is Legolas, who got suckered into New Fellowship. Poor thing, he's as disgusted w/entire situation as I am. Am trying to talk him into letting me claim One Ring and rule Middle Earth as my Evil Consort. Not sure if he's buying it.
Day 52
Stupid Legolas. Overdeveloped sense of elf-honor won't let him be my Evil Consort. Guess I'm stuck w/stupid New Fellowship scheme to toss shiny Ring into fire. I swear we did this already……….
Day 54
Stupid New Fellowship ready to leave Rivendell. Haven't written who's in it b/c don't much care. Frodo and Sam, of course. Me, since I have made practice of biting anyone who tries to take MY RING. Legolas. Apparently Elrond, the useless git, thinks he can control me. As if!! Some other ppl.
Later same day
Other ppl found out haven't mentioned them in diary and are giving me shit, so here's full list of idiots in New Fellowship. 9 of 'em of course. Elrond, the stupid git, has a bug up his ass over number 9. So, full Fellowship is as follows:
Me---duh!
Frodo---who just BETTER not try anything w/MY RING!!
Sam---double duh, where Frodo goes, Sam goes. Those two are attached at the hip! Used to be cute, now is mainly annoying. Except when he's giving foot rubs.
Legolas---still running like a girl, still has no chance in hell of controlling me. Is not soulmate as once supposed. Is just irritating poncy elf.
Radagast the Brown---Gotta have a Wizard and apparently Gandalf is indisposed. Don't know where, don't care. Radagast is nitwit, always talking to birds and such.
Faramir of Gondor---Now THERE'S a slashy boy of the first degree! Eowyn actually FELL for this twit?? Faramir's already making eyes at Frodo. Must remind him Frodo is MINE. Well, mine and Sam's, but then again, Sam's mine too.
Some dwarf who's name I can't remember. Feely son of Touchy, for all I know. Or care.
Another elf, that dude who lost his job to Arwen in the movie. Glorfindal, or some such. He's not as poncy as most elves. Almost manly, if you can believe that.
Bunny---a girl ranger. Apparently there's a clause in the Ranger Contract that says at least one Ranger must accompany each and every quest in Middle Earth. Would like to know where Bilbo's required Ranger was! Still, Bunny a hottie, and human too. Would give up hobbit-fancying for her, except she keeps making eyes at the elves.
Must go, fingers are cramping. From writing, not from that!! Fighting w/Frodo turns us both on, and we do nothing but argue over Ring. Sam v. annoyed. Too bad. He knows he's always welcome to join us, silly hobbit. Rest of idiot new Fellowship annoyed too, but don't care. Will have SOME fun on this stupid trip before must give up my pretty shiny Ring. Dammit, life sucks, even in Middle earth.