A/N---good god, I can't stop writing this crap!! Somebody help me!!!!!!!
Disclaimer-- ZZZZZZZZsnoreZZZZZZZZ
FictionHobbit—You ever gonna answer my question???
Everyone else who reviewed---er………..thanks!
Everyone who didn't---well, why the hell not?? Review, dammit, I'd like to get multiple pages of reviews on at least ONE thing I've written. Honestly, written 11 stories and NOT ONE has more than 20 reviews!!! Come ON ppl, cough 'em up already!!!
Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit-Fancier on the Road
Day 1
Yet another new diary. Seems appropriate for stupid road trip w/ New Fellowship. Can't believe I got suckered into this crap, when all I set out to do was kill off some elf trollop the late Aragorn knocked up. Never did kill stupid elf trollop, and now stuck with useless bunch of losers on way to Mordor to wreck MY Ring! Not even a whole day out of Rivendell and already stupid quest showing every sign of becoming massive cluster fuck.
Day 2
Not a good day. That hairy dwarf, Feely son of Touchy, keeps insisting that's not his name. Won't get it thru thick braided beard that I don't CARE what his name is!! It's not like he's a hobbit, or a hottie like Bunny the Ranger. Is getting downright nasty about it. I'm gonna start calling him Weenus son of Wussy if he doesn't stop threatening me with his axe. Might even cut off beard with Witch-King of Angmar's sword, see if he likes that!
Day 5
What a bunch of yabbos I'm stuck with! Weenus the Dwarf (who's STILL being pissy about his name, not that I care) keeps trying to play Hide the Helmet with Bunny the Ranger. SHE'S busy drooling over Legolas, who spends all his time nancing around Glorfindal or whatever the hell his name is. Glorfy won't even give Legolas time of day, but hangs around Radagast the Brown trying to learn to speak w/ birds! I think Glorfy has sicko bird fixation. I KNOW Radagast has sicko bird fixation!! Quest already turning into soap opera. And this bunch of halfwits are supposed to defeat my Sauron?? If I gave a rat's ass about Middle Earth, I'd say it's doomed!
Day 7
Found out why Radagast is called The Brown. ICK! Is FAR too disgusting for words!
Day 8
Weenus pitched hissy fit over name again. Am now calling him Booger son of Goober. Sam thinks that one's funny. So does Frodo. I just love making pet hobbits laugh, they're so cute when their noses wrinkle up like that.
Day 10
What the HELL is that stupid dwarf's problem???? Doesn't like being called Booger son of Goober, even tho it makes rest of Fellowship laugh. Have explained to him importance of keeping up moral, but he just growled something in dwarvish I'm CERTAIN was obscene. Knowing dwarves, probably anatomically impossible, as well. Stupid dwarf. Maybe his name is Doofus son of Dweebie. Or is that Dweebie son of Doofus? Oh, who the hell cares, anyway??
Day 12
Glorfy finally gave into Legolas. Pair of 'em kept me up all night with their noise!! When confronted, made nasty remarks about me & hobbits. Told them off in Black Speech. Learned some good swears when living with Sauron!
Day 13
Bunny sulking because Legolas so into Glorfy. Poor Bunny. Offered her one of my hobbits but she just looked at me like I'd grown another head. Offered her me instead and she walked away. Stuck up bitch. Should kill her and tell Sauron she's the preggers elf-wench I set out after in first place. Nah, I doubt Saury would buy that, Bunny doesn't have pointy ears. Oh well, it's a pleasant fantasy.
Day 15
Now Radagast sulking over Legolas and Glorfy's relationship. Honestly, why can't they just share, anyway?? It's not like I care, am happy w/Frodo. Also have Sam for variety, foot rubs and cooking skills. Hobbits so great!!
Day 18
I think Doofus the Dwarf has finally gotten into Bunny's pants. Pair of 'em were wandering around camp this morning with sickening smirks on their faces. What on EARTH could that girl possibly see in that hairy, bad- tempered git, anyway? Esp. when she turned down me AND my pet hobbits. Some ppl have no taste!
Day 22
What is wrong w/these ppl?? Thought Legolas was involved w/Glorfindal, but now he's pissy 'cause Bunny the Ranger is shagging Doofus the Dwarf! Honestly, if he wanted her he shouldn't have spent so much time nancing around Glorfy. Make up your mind, stupid poncy elf!!
Day 25
Radagast finally told everyone off this morning. Reminded stupid soap- opera love triangle idiots we ARE on a Quest after all and to stop spending so much time whining about sex lives and more time figuring out how to destroy Ring. MY Ring. Stupid Radagast, just as I was getting my hopes up that goal of quest forgotten in all the melodrama. But nooooooo, idiot wizard just HAS to go and remind everyone! Why couldn't he just stay sulking over Glorfy??
Day 26
Killed little birdie just to spite Radagast. Been taking archery lessons from Legolas (when he's not too busy w/his soap opera) and got chance to practice on live target. Radagast v. pissed. Tough cookies! Shoulda kept big fat mouth shut, interfering old fart!
Day 30
Uh-oh! Got Orc-o-gram from Witch-King of Angmar. Apparently Sauron finally noticed Ring was missing. Witch-King of course wasted no time fingering me. THEN has the cheek to tease about it! Bet he even put cost of Orc-o-gram on Sauron's credit card. What nerve!! When I get back to Mordor, I SWEAR I am going to feed Witch-King to Balrog buddy, Head Minion of Evil or no!! Will take much explaining to get in good w/Sauron, tho. Then again, might not bother. Am actually v. happy w/Frodo, after all.
Day 37
Sorry haven't written lately. Had huge fight w/Frodo. Caught the little bastard trying to steal back MY Ring. Like I was so tired out from our little romp I wouldn't feel him pawing around for MY Ring. Sorry, Shorty, but you're not THAT impressive! Amateur. Should ditch this bunch of shitheads and go back to Sauron.
Later Same Day
Was too upset to write more earlier. Fight w/Frodo v. bad. Kicked shit out of pet hobbit. Sam jumped into it, of course. Got some good shots in, too, before elves broke it up. Stupid wizard and idiot dwarf no use at all, just stood there laughing while fight was going on. Radagast laughed so hard, he pissed himself. Hate Wizard. Hate Fellowship. Hate Quest. Esp. hate hobbits!!!!
Day 38
Hurts to walk. Hurts to move. Just hurts. Not talking to Frodo OR Sam, the thieving bastards. I'M the only thief around here, dammit!!! ………..miss hobbits………….
Day 40
Have had enough of stupid Fellowship! Don't wanna give up shiny pretty Ring! Don't like arguing w/pet hobbits, even tho sex great when making up, haven't been making up lately, just fighting! Wanna go home! Miss therapist. Miss good therapy drugs. Miss movies. Where's extra- dimensional portals when you need 'em????
Day 41
Doofus the Dwarf noticed how down I am from not talking to pet hobbits. Spent time cheering me up. Doofus actually pretty nice guy. Real name is……….shit, have forgotten now. Still, can't keep calling him Doofus. Will settle for Itchy, son of Scratchy, at least until I remember real name.
Day 42
Bunny the Ranger mad at me over Itchy the Dwarf talking to me. Told her to go back to chasing Legolas, as he & Glorfy don't seem to be couple anymore. Must've been short-term lust thing, once satisfied, went back to being friends. Bunny actually smiled at me and took advice. Poor Legolas….Bunny bit of an Amazon. Then again, Whaddya want from girl Ranger?
Day 46
Still not talking to Frodo or Sam. Indulged in good cry. Stroked pretty shiny Ring some. V. soothing to shattered nerves and broken heart. Who needs thieving hobbits when have shiny Ring?
Day 47
Don't want to throw Ring into stupid volcano! Want Sauron back, dammit!!! Want hobbits back!! Want to get laid again! Even poncy elves looking good now. Hell, even Radagast looking good now!! Am hurtin' unit. Need therapy drugs in WORST way. Better yet, need to get laid, bigtime!
Day 48
……………..really miss hobbits…………
Disclaimer-- ZZZZZZZZsnoreZZZZZZZZ
FictionHobbit—You ever gonna answer my question???
Everyone else who reviewed---er………..thanks!
Everyone who didn't---well, why the hell not?? Review, dammit, I'd like to get multiple pages of reviews on at least ONE thing I've written. Honestly, written 11 stories and NOT ONE has more than 20 reviews!!! Come ON ppl, cough 'em up already!!!
Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit-Fancier on the Road
Day 1
Yet another new diary. Seems appropriate for stupid road trip w/ New Fellowship. Can't believe I got suckered into this crap, when all I set out to do was kill off some elf trollop the late Aragorn knocked up. Never did kill stupid elf trollop, and now stuck with useless bunch of losers on way to Mordor to wreck MY Ring! Not even a whole day out of Rivendell and already stupid quest showing every sign of becoming massive cluster fuck.
Day 2
Not a good day. That hairy dwarf, Feely son of Touchy, keeps insisting that's not his name. Won't get it thru thick braided beard that I don't CARE what his name is!! It's not like he's a hobbit, or a hottie like Bunny the Ranger. Is getting downright nasty about it. I'm gonna start calling him Weenus son of Wussy if he doesn't stop threatening me with his axe. Might even cut off beard with Witch-King of Angmar's sword, see if he likes that!
Day 5
What a bunch of yabbos I'm stuck with! Weenus the Dwarf (who's STILL being pissy about his name, not that I care) keeps trying to play Hide the Helmet with Bunny the Ranger. SHE'S busy drooling over Legolas, who spends all his time nancing around Glorfindal or whatever the hell his name is. Glorfy won't even give Legolas time of day, but hangs around Radagast the Brown trying to learn to speak w/ birds! I think Glorfy has sicko bird fixation. I KNOW Radagast has sicko bird fixation!! Quest already turning into soap opera. And this bunch of halfwits are supposed to defeat my Sauron?? If I gave a rat's ass about Middle Earth, I'd say it's doomed!
Day 7
Found out why Radagast is called The Brown. ICK! Is FAR too disgusting for words!
Day 8
Weenus pitched hissy fit over name again. Am now calling him Booger son of Goober. Sam thinks that one's funny. So does Frodo. I just love making pet hobbits laugh, they're so cute when their noses wrinkle up like that.
Day 10
What the HELL is that stupid dwarf's problem???? Doesn't like being called Booger son of Goober, even tho it makes rest of Fellowship laugh. Have explained to him importance of keeping up moral, but he just growled something in dwarvish I'm CERTAIN was obscene. Knowing dwarves, probably anatomically impossible, as well. Stupid dwarf. Maybe his name is Doofus son of Dweebie. Or is that Dweebie son of Doofus? Oh, who the hell cares, anyway??
Day 12
Glorfy finally gave into Legolas. Pair of 'em kept me up all night with their noise!! When confronted, made nasty remarks about me & hobbits. Told them off in Black Speech. Learned some good swears when living with Sauron!
Day 13
Bunny sulking because Legolas so into Glorfy. Poor Bunny. Offered her one of my hobbits but she just looked at me like I'd grown another head. Offered her me instead and she walked away. Stuck up bitch. Should kill her and tell Sauron she's the preggers elf-wench I set out after in first place. Nah, I doubt Saury would buy that, Bunny doesn't have pointy ears. Oh well, it's a pleasant fantasy.
Day 15
Now Radagast sulking over Legolas and Glorfy's relationship. Honestly, why can't they just share, anyway?? It's not like I care, am happy w/Frodo. Also have Sam for variety, foot rubs and cooking skills. Hobbits so great!!
Day 18
I think Doofus the Dwarf has finally gotten into Bunny's pants. Pair of 'em were wandering around camp this morning with sickening smirks on their faces. What on EARTH could that girl possibly see in that hairy, bad- tempered git, anyway? Esp. when she turned down me AND my pet hobbits. Some ppl have no taste!
Day 22
What is wrong w/these ppl?? Thought Legolas was involved w/Glorfindal, but now he's pissy 'cause Bunny the Ranger is shagging Doofus the Dwarf! Honestly, if he wanted her he shouldn't have spent so much time nancing around Glorfy. Make up your mind, stupid poncy elf!!
Day 25
Radagast finally told everyone off this morning. Reminded stupid soap- opera love triangle idiots we ARE on a Quest after all and to stop spending so much time whining about sex lives and more time figuring out how to destroy Ring. MY Ring. Stupid Radagast, just as I was getting my hopes up that goal of quest forgotten in all the melodrama. But nooooooo, idiot wizard just HAS to go and remind everyone! Why couldn't he just stay sulking over Glorfy??
Day 26
Killed little birdie just to spite Radagast. Been taking archery lessons from Legolas (when he's not too busy w/his soap opera) and got chance to practice on live target. Radagast v. pissed. Tough cookies! Shoulda kept big fat mouth shut, interfering old fart!
Day 30
Uh-oh! Got Orc-o-gram from Witch-King of Angmar. Apparently Sauron finally noticed Ring was missing. Witch-King of course wasted no time fingering me. THEN has the cheek to tease about it! Bet he even put cost of Orc-o-gram on Sauron's credit card. What nerve!! When I get back to Mordor, I SWEAR I am going to feed Witch-King to Balrog buddy, Head Minion of Evil or no!! Will take much explaining to get in good w/Sauron, tho. Then again, might not bother. Am actually v. happy w/Frodo, after all.
Day 37
Sorry haven't written lately. Had huge fight w/Frodo. Caught the little bastard trying to steal back MY Ring. Like I was so tired out from our little romp I wouldn't feel him pawing around for MY Ring. Sorry, Shorty, but you're not THAT impressive! Amateur. Should ditch this bunch of shitheads and go back to Sauron.
Later Same Day
Was too upset to write more earlier. Fight w/Frodo v. bad. Kicked shit out of pet hobbit. Sam jumped into it, of course. Got some good shots in, too, before elves broke it up. Stupid wizard and idiot dwarf no use at all, just stood there laughing while fight was going on. Radagast laughed so hard, he pissed himself. Hate Wizard. Hate Fellowship. Hate Quest. Esp. hate hobbits!!!!
Day 38
Hurts to walk. Hurts to move. Just hurts. Not talking to Frodo OR Sam, the thieving bastards. I'M the only thief around here, dammit!!! ………..miss hobbits………….
Day 40
Have had enough of stupid Fellowship! Don't wanna give up shiny pretty Ring! Don't like arguing w/pet hobbits, even tho sex great when making up, haven't been making up lately, just fighting! Wanna go home! Miss therapist. Miss good therapy drugs. Miss movies. Where's extra- dimensional portals when you need 'em????
Day 41
Doofus the Dwarf noticed how down I am from not talking to pet hobbits. Spent time cheering me up. Doofus actually pretty nice guy. Real name is……….shit, have forgotten now. Still, can't keep calling him Doofus. Will settle for Itchy, son of Scratchy, at least until I remember real name.
Day 42
Bunny the Ranger mad at me over Itchy the Dwarf talking to me. Told her to go back to chasing Legolas, as he & Glorfy don't seem to be couple anymore. Must've been short-term lust thing, once satisfied, went back to being friends. Bunny actually smiled at me and took advice. Poor Legolas….Bunny bit of an Amazon. Then again, Whaddya want from girl Ranger?
Day 46
Still not talking to Frodo or Sam. Indulged in good cry. Stroked pretty shiny Ring some. V. soothing to shattered nerves and broken heart. Who needs thieving hobbits when have shiny Ring?
Day 47
Don't want to throw Ring into stupid volcano! Want Sauron back, dammit!!! Want hobbits back!! Want to get laid again! Even poncy elves looking good now. Hell, even Radagast looking good now!! Am hurtin' unit. Need therapy drugs in WORST way. Better yet, need to get laid, bigtime!
Day 48
……………..really miss hobbits…………