"There's Nothing That I Want"
a mini-fic for Shoujo Kakumei Utena
by Sarah - sarahtheboring@aol.com
Preliminary Notes: Please don't get too offended by any clunkiness in this piece. I still haven't seen the full run of the series, and I'm not a thorough expert on its entire range of symbolism, etc. I always cringe at fanfic written by relative newbies, and I don't spare myself from that judgment in the slightest. I was just struck by an unexplained moment, and I thought I'd try a little piece about it. (Even smaller than I expected, in fact.) That's all. Someday I may revise it to better do the series justice, or if that's a lost cause, I'll just pull it. For now, though, read if you like, and let me know what you think. (Good or bad. I'm a grownup, I can take it.)
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Sonoda Keiko had no what-if or if-only. She held no picture in her heart of herself, smiling up into the eyes of her longed-for prince. It was difficult enough just to keep what she did hold: a picture almost too bright to see, too distant, and surrounded as it was by harsh reminders.
This is impossible.
There is no way.
Not for me.
But she still kept that image, quietly lit somewhere in the back of her mind. All of them did, but she suspected that the others, her best friends, never took it quite so seriously. Of course they all swooned; there were few girls at the academy who didn't swoon over at least one member of the Student Council. But the others knew that someday they'd find someone rich and handsome and be happy enough. Kiryuu Touga was simply the top of the list, out of their reach, certainly, but not so far...
...not so far that it became ridiculous.
Nanami came and went, a passing storm of lilting exclamations and grasping hands and eyes lit with dramatic fervor. She had come to find something, and, failing, had gone. The room was dim and quiet again. She could carry out her drama elsewhere. He lacked the energy at present to give her what she kept demanding, and he had no need to worry about her otherwise. Touga sensed from her flurry of merely habitual agitation that she was doing well enough without him; she looked fine herself, flourishing, if anything, in her new arena. She kept coming back for the same things, hoping he'd recovered, hoping for his protection once again, and above all for attention. She worried about him, of course. But more than that, she wanted the favor of her beloved brother, her measure of her own success. She still couldn't see that she didn't need it, and didn't seem to know that he couldn't give it.
It was difficult enough just to keep himself together, at times.
How odd that Saionji had always seemed to be the one prone to this sort of thing. And yet, when beaten, Saionji had fought back. Wrongly, perhaps, but he had at least tried.
He could not keep up the line of thought for long; it lost focus, like everything else, and dissipated into the reddish dimness. How long now till Nanami's next attempt? There wasn't much else to mark the time.
She knew it wouldn't work. Rather, she should have known. She was lost in a bright haze for a while: Touga-sama was coming back! It had been so long since she'd seen him, and now she could not only catch a glimpse of him, as magnificent as ever, but there would be a party as well! She was having almost as much fun in preparing as she expected to have on the night of the party.
Carrying on as if it meant so much... As perfect as the ballroom may have been, floor polished, banners draped across the walls - in the end, Keiko was still Keiko, cheap dress and undistinguished manner, nothing but Nanami's shadow. How exhilarating it had seemed at first, and then, how silly...
Still, even if she could not speak to him, she could have seen him for a moment, watched him smile at Nanami from a safe distance, sighed about it afterwards to Aiko and Yuuko - Touga-sama looked so handsome tonight! What a wonderful party...
She could never have really spoken to him. But Nanami had taken away what little she could have.
It was unfair, but she could accept it. Such things had happened before.
Nanami had had her night, showed him off, clung to his arm, relieved to have her adoring brother back again - at least in some uncharacteristic form. And although she had still charmingly chased away all who lingered for more than a greeting, the night had not been a waste. He had been lifted a bit, reminded of those outside the circle in his mind - himself, Nanami, Saionji, Tenjou...the Rose Bride....the Ends of the World... He had forgotten about the day-to-day functions of the Academy, the rest of the Council, the crowds of forgettable strangers. They knew nothing about him, and they probably cared little about his thoughts or his true condition, but their glazed fascination distracted him for a while.
He felt well enough now, at least, to leave the room for a walk...the paths through the grounds would be deserted in this rain. He did not wish to be questioned or imposed upon again - Mr. President, Touga-sama! When are you coming back?
Speak to me, look at me, me, me, me...
Excuse me... The rain is bad for your health...
No questions. No expectations. The girl gave him her umbrella and walked under its shade without another word. Not a question, beyond "won't you join me?" No breathless introductions. No hanging off him or even gazing mistily into his eyes, though the fixed way she stared into the distance said something similar - at least she did not beg for his attention. Not a word of My name is and I'm in the class of and I've seen you here and there and what do you think of this and that? Sir?
No questioning why the President of the Student Council was trudging alone in the rain. Nothing was asked of him at all, in return for the little bit she gave.
In a way it was more than Nanami, despite her well-meaning excesses, had ever done.
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Ending Notes: Yes, that's it, at least for now. It's a whole other misery to go into Keiko's fall into the Black Rose Society...maybe another time. I was intrigued by the first part of it, the fact that Keiko, a virtual stranger, was able to take Touga's spirit sword, when in all other cases it had been those closest (or nearly closest) to the Council members who had done so. Maybe I'm entirely off the mark in my guesses as to why it happened, but that's my attempt for now. Thank you for reading. (And incidentally, the title does come from Keiko's duel song.)