A/N: K, so Shea (dawning era) invented the time freeze from last chapter.
I'm sorry. I promise it will be returned unharmed. Thank you!
Chapter 2
[Setting: Nighttime, probably just after midnight. Harry is asleep in his bed, the door is open and all is peaceful. Or so it would seem …]
(BOOM)
Harry: (sleepily) Wha …
[a cloud of blue smoke comes out from the closet. A shadowy figure emerges.]
Harry: (grabbing his glasses, finally waking up) Oh no, not this again.
Figure: Guess who?
Harry: Danna … uh … Ruler?
Figure: (insulted) Dana R. Luder. (To herself) fewmety (mutter mutter mutter) mortal …
Harry: Yes, of course, Ms. Author. How may I serve you, Ruler?
Dana: (glares) Don't make me inflict my unlimited author powers.
Harry: Sorry! Sorry, Dana. Um … what are you here for?
Dana: I've finally gotten around to writing the next part of your story, and so it's time you went into the castle to rescue Hermione.
Harry: (pressing Indiglo on his watch) Aw, but … can't we go tomorrow … I'm too tired …
Dana: (glares threateningly)
Harry: But on the other hand, who wouldn't want to get out of their house at one in the morning to put themselves in mortal danger? Let's go!
Dana: Not so fast! I think you need to know what's happening first. Now, did you try to contact Hermione while I was gone?
Harry: No.
Dana: (looks surprised) Wow - I thought you would have tried, Harry. It's not like you.
Harry: She contacted me first.
Dana: What??
Harry: yeah. She called to wish me happy birthday, and I told her about you, and she said not to be ridiculous and that it was all a dream. Seemed quite insistent, actually.
Dana: What? How did this happen? I charm it, I hex it, I spell it, I curse it, I tap his friggin phone ... grahhhhhh!!!
Harry: (grins)
Dana: (glares and raises her pencil menacingly) I'm warning you, Mr. Potter ...
Harry: You know, that can get kind of annoying after awhile. I know you'll never actually do anything with that pencil. You just want to control me.
Dana: (grins evilly) oh no?
Harry: And another thing - when you enter my house, you always bring all that smoke with you. And then I have to clean it out, or the Durselys might think I'm a pothead. You wouldn't want them to think that, would you? And you don't respect me at all. Remember that time ... (rambles on)
Dana: (gets out her pencil and notebook and scribbles furiously)
Harry: ... and then you come here in the middle of the night (voice starts to get squeaky) and wake me up (voice is very high and squeaky) and tell me I'm off to fight a dragon and (voice is shrill) rescue ..... Hey! (in awful, falsetto voice) What's going on?
Dana: I warned you, Mr. Potter ...
[As Harry watches helplessly, his hair grows longer, his body becomes much more curvaceous, chin more pointed, and his eyes are framed with long, dark lashes. His pajamas also turn themselves into a nice, frilly, pink nightgown.]
Harry: (shrieks) What have you done to me?! My voice! My beautiful voice!
Dana: Oh, that's not the worst of it, Mr. Potter - why don't you just run along and see if you can't figure out what the worst really is.
Harry: (looks at her for a moment in disbelief) You didn't -
Dana: (appears mildly amused)
[Harry runs out of the room and to the bathroom]
Harry: (muffled, wrestling with his nightgown) How do I get this thing off?? Arghh! How do girls do this all the time? (mumble mumble ... then a short silence and .. ) Oh dear lord.
You: I don't get it.
Dana: (annoyed) I turned him into a girl. That means all of him ... if you get what I mean ...
You: (still not getting it) Uh, I knew that.
Dana: (gives you a 'riiiight' look) of course you did.
[Harry comes back from the washroom in his nightgown, looking pale, and partially covering that-area-of-his-body with his hands]
Harry: (squeakily) How could you ... you ... give it back!
You: Oh, I get it!
Harry: (glares at you and looks about to cry) Dana!
Dana: (still looking mildly amused) do you promise to be good?
Harry: Yes! Anything! Please!
Dana: Anything, eh? Hmm ...
You: Dana, maybe you should just ... you know ... change him back ... don't you think he's suffered enough?
Dana: (to you) Silence, you fool! (to herself) Fewmety mortals, trying to tell me what to do ... (to you) You know, in most stories, the audience just reads the damn story and STAYS OUT OF IT!
You: (shrug and grin gleefully) you know, Dana, it's really not a good idea to insult your audience. They don't tend to like you too much that way.
Dana: I can say whatever I like! You're stupid!
You: (threaten to hit the 'back' button on your browser)
Dana: Noooooooooo! Please don't leave! I'm sorry! I need you to write me reviews!! Pleeeasssseeee!!!
You: (smile) That's better. Now, change Harry back to a boy. I don't like seeing him this way.
[Harry is crouched on the floor, rocking back and forth and singing, a crazed look in his eyes ...]
Harry: Down by the bay, where the watermelon grows, back to my home, I dare not go, for if I do, my mother will say ... did you ever see a boy, turned into a girl, down by the bay! Down by the bay ...
[Dana gives you a long-suffering look and painfully takes out her eraser and wipes the notebook clean. Harry returns to normal, and you sit back in your chair, put your hands behind your head and grin. You've never had this much power over someone else's story before!]
Harry: (gets up, runs to the bathroom. In a second we hear a whoop of delight. He runs back into the room.) THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU DANA!!!
You: (clear throat)
Harry: Them again. What do they want this time?
Dana: They just want attention. They've never been written about before.
Harry: Oh. Um, can we go now? I really don't want to be turned into anything else.
Dana: Sure. Just give me a second ... (gets out her notebook and scribbles some more)
[The background fades and is replaced by a forest. It is fairly dark, and scary, and some sort of mist seems to be hanging off the ground.]
Harry: Where's the castle?
Dana: Your first task is to find it. Have fun!
Harry: wait! What was that you said about a dragon earlier?
Dana: Oh – right, maybe you should have armor of some kind ...
Harry: (mutters) Damn straight ...
Dana: (glares) don't get the impression that you're going to tell me what to do, Mr. Potter. I still have unlimited author powers.
Harry: Not as long as I have your audience! (grins widely at you)
You: (have to take a couple minutes out while you dance, scream, parade around like a fool and email everyone you've ever known to tell them that HARRY POTTER KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!!!)
[a couple minutes pass]
[you return, still grinning stupidly]
Dana: That was ANNOYING, audience. You're holding us up. (to Harry) All right, you're getting armor. (scribbles, and Harry finds himself clothed in some pretty decent chain mail, complete with a solid metal helmet, body, arm, and leg protectors, a shield, a knife, sword, and scabbard.)
Harry: (falls over) Uh, I think it's a bit too heavy. I'll just magic it lighter, okay ...
Dana: NO! That's another rule. No magic in the castle.
Harry: Well, if I can't get UP, I guess it won't be a problem, now will it?
Dana: (sighs and scribbles some more) There. I wrote it lighter. Now get up.
Harry: (rises) Much better. And what's this mist around here?
Dana: Fog.
Harry: Oh.
Dana: What did you expect? Ammonia gas?
Harry: I don't know ... how am I supposed to find the castle in this?
Dana: Oh, that's right, you get help. He should be somewhere around here ... (whistles)
[A hippogriff comes running out of the mist]
Harry and You: Buckbeak!!
Dana: (bows to Buckbeak, who bows in return.) Yes. He knows where the castle is. And audience, I thought I told you to stay out of this.
You: Too late there.
Harry: Where's Sirius?
Dana: What?
Harry: SIRIUS!!!
Dana: I'm sure he'll show up, sooner or later. Now go on, Harry, Hermione could be being eaten by that dragon right now ...
Harry: Can't I have my broom?
Dana: Absolutely not.
Harry: (pouts)
Dana: NO.
Buckbeak: (paws the ground eagerly)
Harry: All right - let's go, Buckbeak. (starts off to the left)
Buckbeak: (snorts and heads off to the right)
Harry: (offscreen) Hey - where am I - I can't see anything! I'm lost! Help!!!
Dana: (sighs exasperatedly) Fewmety mortal! (whistles) Buckbeak! (he comes) Buckbeak, please go rescue Harry, and for fewmets' sake don't let him out of your sight, okay? He's not the brightest crayon in the box ...
You: Take that back!
Dana: (annoyed, but remembering the potential consequences) I ... take it back.
You: Now say you're a moron.
Dana: (glares and ignores you) Buckbeak, just go find Harry, okay?
[Buckbeak and Dana bow and he trots off to the right]
Dana: Now, about YOU -
You: I said to say you're a moron!! I'm gonna leave!
Dana: Fine. You're a moron.
You: (looking a bit confused) No, I said say you're a moron ...
Dana: That's what I did. Here, I'll say it again. You're a moron.
You: But ...
Dana: I don't have time to argue with you about this right now. My ferry is leaving and I'm not packed yet.
You: But ...
Harry: (from off-screen) Dana, you'd better get back and write the rest of this a whole lot faster than it took you last time!
Dana: Yeah, okay, I'll try ...
[Dana leaves in a puff of smoke. Harry and Buckbeak are nowhere to be seen, and now that you think about it, this forest looks a little creepy. An owl hoots and you jump, scared.]
You: But ...
******
End Chapter 2
A/N: I'm taking suggestions - tell me what you want to see happen, and maybe it'll get in. I mean, now that the audience is controlling the story anyway, I might as well ... *giggle* this chapter was fun. I'll really try to cut down on the wait this time. Gotta go, ferry!
Chapter 2
[Setting: Nighttime, probably just after midnight. Harry is asleep in his bed, the door is open and all is peaceful. Or so it would seem …]
(BOOM)
Harry: (sleepily) Wha …
[a cloud of blue smoke comes out from the closet. A shadowy figure emerges.]
Harry: (grabbing his glasses, finally waking up) Oh no, not this again.
Figure: Guess who?
Harry: Danna … uh … Ruler?
Figure: (insulted) Dana R. Luder. (To herself) fewmety (mutter mutter mutter) mortal …
Harry: Yes, of course, Ms. Author. How may I serve you, Ruler?
Dana: (glares) Don't make me inflict my unlimited author powers.
Harry: Sorry! Sorry, Dana. Um … what are you here for?
Dana: I've finally gotten around to writing the next part of your story, and so it's time you went into the castle to rescue Hermione.
Harry: (pressing Indiglo on his watch) Aw, but … can't we go tomorrow … I'm too tired …
Dana: (glares threateningly)
Harry: But on the other hand, who wouldn't want to get out of their house at one in the morning to put themselves in mortal danger? Let's go!
Dana: Not so fast! I think you need to know what's happening first. Now, did you try to contact Hermione while I was gone?
Harry: No.
Dana: (looks surprised) Wow - I thought you would have tried, Harry. It's not like you.
Harry: She contacted me first.
Dana: What??
Harry: yeah. She called to wish me happy birthday, and I told her about you, and she said not to be ridiculous and that it was all a dream. Seemed quite insistent, actually.
Dana: What? How did this happen? I charm it, I hex it, I spell it, I curse it, I tap his friggin phone ... grahhhhhh!!!
Harry: (grins)
Dana: (glares and raises her pencil menacingly) I'm warning you, Mr. Potter ...
Harry: You know, that can get kind of annoying after awhile. I know you'll never actually do anything with that pencil. You just want to control me.
Dana: (grins evilly) oh no?
Harry: And another thing - when you enter my house, you always bring all that smoke with you. And then I have to clean it out, or the Durselys might think I'm a pothead. You wouldn't want them to think that, would you? And you don't respect me at all. Remember that time ... (rambles on)
Dana: (gets out her pencil and notebook and scribbles furiously)
Harry: ... and then you come here in the middle of the night (voice starts to get squeaky) and wake me up (voice is very high and squeaky) and tell me I'm off to fight a dragon and (voice is shrill) rescue ..... Hey! (in awful, falsetto voice) What's going on?
Dana: I warned you, Mr. Potter ...
[As Harry watches helplessly, his hair grows longer, his body becomes much more curvaceous, chin more pointed, and his eyes are framed with long, dark lashes. His pajamas also turn themselves into a nice, frilly, pink nightgown.]
Harry: (shrieks) What have you done to me?! My voice! My beautiful voice!
Dana: Oh, that's not the worst of it, Mr. Potter - why don't you just run along and see if you can't figure out what the worst really is.
Harry: (looks at her for a moment in disbelief) You didn't -
Dana: (appears mildly amused)
[Harry runs out of the room and to the bathroom]
Harry: (muffled, wrestling with his nightgown) How do I get this thing off?? Arghh! How do girls do this all the time? (mumble mumble ... then a short silence and .. ) Oh dear lord.
You: I don't get it.
Dana: (annoyed) I turned him into a girl. That means all of him ... if you get what I mean ...
You: (still not getting it) Uh, I knew that.
Dana: (gives you a 'riiiight' look) of course you did.
[Harry comes back from the washroom in his nightgown, looking pale, and partially covering that-area-of-his-body with his hands]
Harry: (squeakily) How could you ... you ... give it back!
You: Oh, I get it!
Harry: (glares at you and looks about to cry) Dana!
Dana: (still looking mildly amused) do you promise to be good?
Harry: Yes! Anything! Please!
Dana: Anything, eh? Hmm ...
You: Dana, maybe you should just ... you know ... change him back ... don't you think he's suffered enough?
Dana: (to you) Silence, you fool! (to herself) Fewmety mortals, trying to tell me what to do ... (to you) You know, in most stories, the audience just reads the damn story and STAYS OUT OF IT!
You: (shrug and grin gleefully) you know, Dana, it's really not a good idea to insult your audience. They don't tend to like you too much that way.
Dana: I can say whatever I like! You're stupid!
You: (threaten to hit the 'back' button on your browser)
Dana: Noooooooooo! Please don't leave! I'm sorry! I need you to write me reviews!! Pleeeasssseeee!!!
You: (smile) That's better. Now, change Harry back to a boy. I don't like seeing him this way.
[Harry is crouched on the floor, rocking back and forth and singing, a crazed look in his eyes ...]
Harry: Down by the bay, where the watermelon grows, back to my home, I dare not go, for if I do, my mother will say ... did you ever see a boy, turned into a girl, down by the bay! Down by the bay ...
[Dana gives you a long-suffering look and painfully takes out her eraser and wipes the notebook clean. Harry returns to normal, and you sit back in your chair, put your hands behind your head and grin. You've never had this much power over someone else's story before!]
Harry: (gets up, runs to the bathroom. In a second we hear a whoop of delight. He runs back into the room.) THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU DANA!!!
You: (clear throat)
Harry: Them again. What do they want this time?
Dana: They just want attention. They've never been written about before.
Harry: Oh. Um, can we go now? I really don't want to be turned into anything else.
Dana: Sure. Just give me a second ... (gets out her notebook and scribbles some more)
[The background fades and is replaced by a forest. It is fairly dark, and scary, and some sort of mist seems to be hanging off the ground.]
Harry: Where's the castle?
Dana: Your first task is to find it. Have fun!
Harry: wait! What was that you said about a dragon earlier?
Dana: Oh – right, maybe you should have armor of some kind ...
Harry: (mutters) Damn straight ...
Dana: (glares) don't get the impression that you're going to tell me what to do, Mr. Potter. I still have unlimited author powers.
Harry: Not as long as I have your audience! (grins widely at you)
You: (have to take a couple minutes out while you dance, scream, parade around like a fool and email everyone you've ever known to tell them that HARRY POTTER KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!!!)
[a couple minutes pass]
[you return, still grinning stupidly]
Dana: That was ANNOYING, audience. You're holding us up. (to Harry) All right, you're getting armor. (scribbles, and Harry finds himself clothed in some pretty decent chain mail, complete with a solid metal helmet, body, arm, and leg protectors, a shield, a knife, sword, and scabbard.)
Harry: (falls over) Uh, I think it's a bit too heavy. I'll just magic it lighter, okay ...
Dana: NO! That's another rule. No magic in the castle.
Harry: Well, if I can't get UP, I guess it won't be a problem, now will it?
Dana: (sighs and scribbles some more) There. I wrote it lighter. Now get up.
Harry: (rises) Much better. And what's this mist around here?
Dana: Fog.
Harry: Oh.
Dana: What did you expect? Ammonia gas?
Harry: I don't know ... how am I supposed to find the castle in this?
Dana: Oh, that's right, you get help. He should be somewhere around here ... (whistles)
[A hippogriff comes running out of the mist]
Harry and You: Buckbeak!!
Dana: (bows to Buckbeak, who bows in return.) Yes. He knows where the castle is. And audience, I thought I told you to stay out of this.
You: Too late there.
Harry: Where's Sirius?
Dana: What?
Harry: SIRIUS!!!
Dana: I'm sure he'll show up, sooner or later. Now go on, Harry, Hermione could be being eaten by that dragon right now ...
Harry: Can't I have my broom?
Dana: Absolutely not.
Harry: (pouts)
Dana: NO.
Buckbeak: (paws the ground eagerly)
Harry: All right - let's go, Buckbeak. (starts off to the left)
Buckbeak: (snorts and heads off to the right)
Harry: (offscreen) Hey - where am I - I can't see anything! I'm lost! Help!!!
Dana: (sighs exasperatedly) Fewmety mortal! (whistles) Buckbeak! (he comes) Buckbeak, please go rescue Harry, and for fewmets' sake don't let him out of your sight, okay? He's not the brightest crayon in the box ...
You: Take that back!
Dana: (annoyed, but remembering the potential consequences) I ... take it back.
You: Now say you're a moron.
Dana: (glares and ignores you) Buckbeak, just go find Harry, okay?
[Buckbeak and Dana bow and he trots off to the right]
Dana: Now, about YOU -
You: I said to say you're a moron!! I'm gonna leave!
Dana: Fine. You're a moron.
You: (looking a bit confused) No, I said say you're a moron ...
Dana: That's what I did. Here, I'll say it again. You're a moron.
You: But ...
Dana: I don't have time to argue with you about this right now. My ferry is leaving and I'm not packed yet.
You: But ...
Harry: (from off-screen) Dana, you'd better get back and write the rest of this a whole lot faster than it took you last time!
Dana: Yeah, okay, I'll try ...
[Dana leaves in a puff of smoke. Harry and Buckbeak are nowhere to be seen, and now that you think about it, this forest looks a little creepy. An owl hoots and you jump, scared.]
You: But ...
******
End Chapter 2
A/N: I'm taking suggestions - tell me what you want to see happen, and maybe it'll get in. I mean, now that the audience is controlling the story anyway, I might as well ... *giggle* this chapter was fun. I'll really try to cut down on the wait this time. Gotta go, ferry!