Circumstances (part 7 – Trying to forgive): Several weeks after Danziger's return.

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Voice of True: "My dad has been home for a few weeks. Uly and I are very happy to have him back. Devon's happy too. Dad and Devon decided to try to make as a couple. Uly and I are also very happy about that.  Life will be perfect when my dad get back to normal. I mean with Uly and I he is about the same but with everyone else he is quiet. We had expected some sort of blow up but so far nothing. That's just not my dad, when he is unhappy everybody knows it. I wish I could help."

Devon's hopes of Danziger sharing his experience were not to be realized. After several weeks, Danziger still had not talked about his ordeal. The little he said in the hallway on his first morning home was all that was mentioned. They continued to share a bed but even though they were lovers, Devon could not get Danziger to talk about what happened. The more she tried to have a discussion, the quieter Danziger became.  His scars had diminished due to the treatment and his appearance was not as skeletal as before although he was still somewhat gaunt. Julia had recently cleared him to return to work, after much nagging on Danziger's part. All his friends noticed how quiet he had become; quiet was never a word that came to mind when describing Danziger before his banishment but now was the best word to describe him. Danziger often woke in the middle of the night and Devon would find him staring at the kids or sitting on the deck. Lately he had been wandering away after the kids had gone to sleep and would be gone for a couple of hours. This greatly concerned Devon; she feared for his safety and also feared he wouldn't come back.

One night about 5 weeks after he had returned, Danziger left just after the kids went to bed. Since it was a nice night, Devon sat on the deck working as she waited for him to returned. As the hours passed, Devon began to get anxious. She was just about to call Alonzo to ask him if he would help her look for Danziger when she saw him coming. Devon let out a sigh of relief and tried to calm herself.

Danziger climbed the stairs to the deck and in a bitter voice said, "Devon, what are you doing on the deck? Don't you know that there are penal colonists in the area that will slice your throat?" At Devon's distressed look, Danziger apologized, "I'm sorry. I'm in a bad mood and it's not your fault. Maybe I didn't walk far enough."

When he turned to leave, Devon cried, "John, don't leave.  I don't care if you in a bad mood. I don't care if you want to scream and shout. You need to. You need to talk about what happened."

"Devon, I can't"

"You need to try. Come on John, you've had in bottled up for weeks now and it's only getting worst. Talk to me, maybe I can help, maybe I can't. Either way it won't hurt. Please don't shut me out."

Devon's pleading finally got through. Danziger motioned for her to enter the unit and he followed. Devon took a seat on the couch as Danziger paced. "I am so angry and I don't know how to get over it."

"John, you have ever right to be angry. Maybe talking about it will help."

"Devon, in my whole life, I've only had two things: my reputation and my daughter. Yeah, I was known as a troublemaker but I was also known as being a hard worker and being honest. It wasn't much but you know it didn't matter; it was mine. Then one action takes it all away from me. Takes my reputation, more importantly takes my daughter. Nothing will ever bring that back."

"John they didn't take away your honor. You were proven innocent."

"Then why is everyone except the Advance team avoiding me?"

"They're ashamed of their actions or inaction in this case."

"I can't stop being angry. They separated me from my kids for 8 months. Everyday I worried what was happening to them."

Devon didn't know what to say; nothing would give back the missing time. She herself regretted losing two years of Uly's life but that was no one's fault. "John, I'm sorry. I can't give back the time you lost."

"Know what else makes me angry? I might have done the same thing."

"John, you would never do such a thing."

"I already did." At Devon's confused look, Danziger continued, "We all did when we banished Julia."

"John, that wasn't the same thing."

"Wasn't it? The colonists were frightened so they cast me out. We were frightened so we cast Julia out."

"But John, you did nothing wrong. I am not saying that what we did to Julia was right but she was guilty of spying. We decided as a group that we couldn't risk bringing her along. Did we act to harshly? Yes. Do I regret what we did? Everyday. Is it the same as what the colonists did to you? No. We harshly punished someone that was guilty of a crime against our group. Julia had a chance, abet a very small one, to tell her side. She admitted her guilt. We overreacted. You never had a say; you were innocent. It is not the same thing."

"How long do you think it took for Julia to forgive us? Do you think she has?"

"I'm sure Julia has forgiven us. I don't know how long it took or how she did it. Maybe you should talk to Julia about it."

"It's more then just me feeling like a hypocrite because I'm mad someone banished me when I banished someone else. It's what I lost here. It's what I endured there. Maybe it's just hurt pride."

"John, you went through a lot. More then any of us can imagine. I don't blame you for being angry. I don't think that there is one solution to your anger. We need to deal with one issue at a time. You know more issues may still come up. I wish it never happened, I wish I could make it go away. I can't but I willing to help you through this. Maybe between the two of us we can make some of the anger go away. We are a pretty good team."

"Devon, I don't know. You shouldn't have to deal with this. It's not in any way your fault."

"John, I do need to deal with this. It impacts you so it impacts our family. I can't stand by and watch you go through this alone."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"It hurts to see you suffer. Just give it a chance. Trying to work through it alone hasn't been too successful. If talking about it doesn't help, we'll try something else."

Danziger gave her a thoughtful stare. "I'll think about it. Right now I'm too tried to do anything and I have to be in work in about 3 1/2 hours."

"You're right, it's too late right now but I am not going to let this drop."

"Trust me I know. We can ask Julia and Alonzo to dinner one night and maybe I'll ask Julia if she's willing to talk about it."

Devon and Danziger had gotten into a routine. Danziger went to work early and Devon got the kids up, breakfast and ready for school. Danziger was home when the kids returned from their afternoon activities and started to prepare dinner. So far it had been working well. True, in particular, wanted the family to have dinner together every night, guests were welcome. Danziger was cooking dinner while True and Uly did homework at the kitchen table when Devon got in.

"I told Julia and Alonzo seven, does that time work?"

"What, you invited them tonight?"

Devon cut him off before he could continue. "Yes, tonight. True has a biology project that she wanted to talk to Julia about. We can see how things go. So is seven alright and do you have enough food?"

"Pain in the ass," Danziger mumbled under this breath. Then in a normal voice, "Seven will be fine and I've made enough."

Julia and Alonzo arrived promptly. Danziger was a pretty good cook and dinner was a relaxed affair. After the meal, Julia and True discussed the biology project while Alonzo and Uly discussed something regarding the terrians. Soon the kids were sent to bed and the adults were sitting in the family room.

"So John, Devon tells us you're ready to talk." Julia stated.

"Actually, I said I would think about talking." Danziger replied in a terse voice.

"John, you said you wanted to ask Julia how she got over being banished." Devon returned.

"I said one night maybe. Not tonight definitely."

"John, I don't mind talking about it. I'm not sure if it is going to help." Julia said.

"I'll get some more coffee." Devon offered.

"I'll help" Alonzo replied, in an effort to give them privacy.

"You don't have to leave unless John would prefer you to." Julia declared.

"They might as well stay Devon's just going to nag me to find out if it was helpful."

"I don't nag. I just encourage often."

Julia and Alonzo were sitting on the couch while Danziger and Devon were sitting on the rattan chair Danziger had made shortly after the unit was complete.

"Do you forgive us for abandoning you?" Danziger asked.

'Yes, I do. Do you forgive me for spying?" Julia countered.

"Yeah. How long did it take to forgive us? How did you manage to get over the anger?" Danziger questioned.

"First of all, I was guilty. I needed to be forgiven as much as I needed to forgive. You were the first one, next to Alonzo, to make me feel welcome.  I knew that in order to make it, I needed to put my anger aside. It wasn't easy, I kept thinking about what could have happened to me out there on my own. But every time I did, I would force myself to remember that you came back for me and you were willing to give me a second chance so I needed to give you all a second chance. In time it got easier. We faced a lot of hardships together and I knew that people trusted me. Knowing that I had been forgiven made it a lot easier to forgive others.  I can't quiet tell you when I stopped being angry. John, I know our circumstances were different. I was gone for a day at a time when I had no real close ties; Alonzo and I hadn't really begun our relationship. You were torn from your family for 8 months. But I do believe that if you try to give people a second chance you'll find your anger subsiding."

"How do I give them a second chance, they avoid me like the plague. I think they think I'm still guilty."

"John, very few people ever thought you were guilty. By blaming you, they felt safer. The murderer was caught and banished, they didn't need to worry about it any more. But John, by the end of the week, people were still nervous about a murderer lurking. They didn't know how to undo the injustice done to you. Several people dislike you, they did then and they still do, none of them believe you were the killer but it was an easy way for them to get rid of you. When Morgan found out about the second flight, no one objected to us going to find you. No one would have objected to us bringing you back for a real trial." Julia replied.

Danziger sat quietly thinking for a moment. "I don't know how to give them a second chance. I mean I'm willing to try anything to get over this feeling but I don't have much in common with these people."

"A majority of them are parents. You could start with that." Devon offered.  "I'm told that you and the kids often did things and classmates were invited. Maybe you could organize something one evening? The kids could invite their friends. See who shows up and take it from there."

"That might be worth trying but Devon please don't have the kids invite all their friends and families to something tomorrow night. I do need some time to come to terms."

"OK, but I think this will help and remember I like to encourage often."

Later that night Danziger woke Devon. "Devon did you ever think I killed Harper?"

"No, never. I know that you couldn't kill someone in cold blood."

"I killed Katrina."

"Because she was trying to kill me. Look if they said you kill Harper in self-defense or to protect someone else, I would have thought there was a possibility. But in cold blood, never."

"I killed that Grendler in cold blood."

"John, you were delirious from lack of food. You weren't thinking straight. I know how much both of those incidences bothered you. Listen, would I leave my son to someone I thought was capable of murder?"

"I killed a ZED out there, at least I think he's dead."

"Tell me about it."

"Wasn't to long after I started tunnel jumping. I ran into a ZED. He had me against a tree and I saw a koba. The ZED had turned away from me and I threw the koba at his neck. The ZED went down, I dug the bullet out. Then I placed the bullet near the ZED and walked away. I'm pretty sure that the ZED couldn't survive that bullet. So I am a cold blooded killer."

"No, you're not. If you hadn't done something that ZED would have killed you. "

"I could have thrown the bullet away and went back to the tunnel I came from."

"John, ZEDs are killing machines. They have had their emotions removed. You are not a killer. You will never be able to convince me that you are."

"Devon, I don't know what would have happened if I had been out there any longer and that has me worried. It's what I might have become that makes me angry."

"I'm not worried. You would have done what you needed to survive. You would not have hurt anyone needlessly, it's not your nature."

"Devon, I just …"

"Trust me John. You won't be able to forgive anyone until you forgive yourself." Devon could tell that Danziger was still struggling with what happened while he was banished. "Nothing I had heard so far makes me doubt wanting to spend the rest of my life with you. You have done nothing to be ashamed of." Eventually Devon was able to calm Danziger to some extent.

A week later, Danziger organized a fish fry and volleyball game on the beach. Several of the kids' friends and their families came. Devon had been right, he made a tentative gesture to the community and it was heartily embrace by several but not all.

Over the weeks that followed, Danziger's anger began to subside. He still found himself getting angry but was better able to manage it. With his family and friends he was almost back to normal. Gradually he opened up to Devon and the others, it was much easier after confessing to Devon about the ZED. To some colonists, he was slowly warming up. He still found himself at odds with Taggert, Burton and their circle, but he tried to not let it bother him, at least not much.

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END OF PART 7 this story is mainly setup for future stories (if I ever get around to organizing my thoughts).