Leonardo: Live to Regret


"He had a need to feel the thunder
To chase the lightning from the sky
To watch a storm with all its wonder
Raging in his lover's eye
He had to ride the heat of passion
Like a comet burning bright
Rushing head long in the wind
Out where only dreams had been
Burning both ends of the night"
(Garth Brooks "That Summer")


Author's Warning: This chapter contains some adult material. Nothing is explicit, but is implied.




"How's he doing?" Leonardo asked Michaelangelo. Mike stood up and stretched but before he could answer Raphael spoke up.

"You know 'he' is in the room and can speak for himself."

Mike shrugged. "He's his old charming self." He paused at the door before leaving. "Good luck."

"Thanks, I'll need it" Leo and Raph said at the same time.

Michaelangelo chuckled and closed the door behind him.

Leonardo bent over and picked up Raph's pillow. "Lose something?"

Raphael sighed. "It's wet." He glared at Leonardo's amused look. "Don't even think it. Mike threw water on me."

Leo tossed the pillow back on the floor and settled into the chair.

"And you can just shove any lecture you have planned," Raph continued pointing at him. "And an 'I told you so' could cause you a busted lip."

Leonardo raised an eye ridge at that remark but said nothing. He just leaned back in the chair and smiled.

"And wipe that damn smirk off your face. Concussion or not, I can still kick your ass."

Leo looked away for a minute and sighed before responding. "You know, I spent the last hour meditating because I knew I would have to have an endless supply of patience for this. For your information, I wasn't going to lecture you or say 'I told you so.' I'm sure you're well aware of what a jackass you are and if you're not, Sensei is more than capable of telling you on his watch." He paused for a second. "So why not knock off the attitude and stop making this worse than it has to be."

Raphael stared at him for a minute, fighting the urge to try to carry out his threat. Finally, with an angry growl he flopped down on the bed.

Leonardo suppressed a sigh of relief at the relatively easy victory and pulled a small book from his belt. He began to read while keeping an eye on his brother. It seemed that minute by minute Raphael's scowl faded and he looked more thoughtful. After ten minutes, Raph broke the silence.

"Splinter's pretty ticked at me huh?"

Leonardo lowered his book. "Why?"

"Just curious. Just wondering what I'm in for." He turned to face Leo. "So, is he?"

"I wouldn't say ticked...exasperated maybe. Fed up, I guess. But not ticked."

"Oh that's a relief," Raphael said sarcastically.

Leonardo put the book on the nightstand. "He probably won't be too hard on you. After all, you're injured and you know how soft he gets when that happens."

"Damn, I'm starting to regret letting Mikey talk me into that. I didn't even get the money he owed me."

"Uh...Raph." Leo covered his mouth with one hand until he was sure he wouldn't laugh. Composed he continued, "You didn't win the bet."

Raphael sat up quickly, "How many did I break?"

Leo shook his head. "None." He had to cough to cover his laughter.

"Oh shut up," Raphael said angrily. "If you hadn't been distracting me I would have done it."

Leonardo rolled his eyes. "Don't blame me. It was your own stupidity. And just wait until you're well. When Mike starts ribbing you, you're really going to regret it."

"So will he if I have something sharp nearby." He grew quiet for a minute and then with unaccustomed seriousness he asked. "Have you ever done something you regret, Leo?"

"Sure," Leo responded reaching for his book.

"Like what?" Raphael's eyes took on an evil glint.

"Do you think I would actually give you black mailing ammuniton? Forget it, Raphael." He tossed the book to him. "Read that. It'll keep you entertained."

Raph threw the book across the room without looking at it. "You smoked?"

Leo shook his head. "No."

"Drugs?"

"No."

"Got drunk and went swimming with a naked woman in one of Central Park's fountains? Oh wait, that was me."

Leonardo laughed. "Don't tell me you regret that."

"Yeh, I wasn't able to get her number before the cops showed up." Raph leaned forward a little. "Okay, I gave you black mailing ammo. Your turn and we'll cancel each other out."

Leo folded his arms. "Alright. I lied to Splinter."

Raphael fell back on his bed, disappointed. "Oh my God! Leo's going to hell! He actually told a lie!"

"It wasn't the lie I regret," Leo said quietly.

Raph sat up and regarded him intently. "Go on."

"It was about...oh a year ago."

(FLASHBACK)

Leonardo needed to get out of the lair for awhile. Everything recently had just been getting on his nerves. His brothers, training...his sensei. He figured that a breath of fresh air would make him feel better. He went for a run, leaving his weapons and mask at home. Tonight he wasn't Leonardo ninja student and leader, he was just Leonardo. So he kept to the roofs of the city or back alleys. Running and running, pushing his body to its limits in hopes of fighting off the demons that welled inside him.

He knew that what he thought of as demons were just the raw emotions of anger and despair that he could usually keep tempered. But when he couldn't, running usually helped. Leo knew that sticking around home, he would be bound to lose his temper and that he couldn't afford. Not him, not the perfect son. Leo growled and sped up. He went for about five miles before taking a break. Breathing deeply, he tried to find that center of himself where he could find peace. The noises of the city didn't bother him and he began to feel more relaxed than he had in days.

Someone screamed. A woman. Leo watched as a she was dragged into the alley and knocked to the ground.

"Here, t..take my purse," she stammered. "It has almost two...two hundred dollars in it. Just please, don't hurt me."

The man grunted. "You're a real pretty lady. So sweet..." He knelt beside her and brushed his hand across her face.

"Oh God. Oh no." She cried. "Please..."

"So sweet. So sweet." He repeated it like it was a chant.

The woman closed her eyes and felt his hands on her. Suddenly, the man yelped and she opened her eyes just in time to see him thrown into the wall with enough force to knock him out. She blinked up at her rescuer and saw his silhouette. She fainted dead away.

Leonardo smiled. "Typical," he mused. "Not even a thank you." He bent over to pick up her purse and looked through it for identification. Finding her address, he picked her up and carried her home.



Leonardo backed up to the living room door. The woman was laying on the couch with a small blanket draped over her. For some reason, he was reluctant to just leave her. "Fade away without a trace," Leonardo reminded himself. With a sigh, he turned to go.

"Leaving so soon?"

Leonardo paused. The room was dark and she couldn't see him clearly. He turned to find her sitting up on the couch.

"I wanted to thank you," she said. "Are you a cop?"

Leo chuckled. "You're welcome and no. I'm not."

A light came on and Leonardo heard her gasp as he blinked against the sudden glare. When he could see again, he realized that she had moved closer to him. Her eyes narrowed. "You really are..."

Hands up in a non-threatening manner, Leo said. "It's a simple explanation. Just don't scream."

She reached out to touch his hand, but drew away quickly before actually making contact. "Radiation?" she asked.

Leo nodded slowly. "Something like that." She backed up and Leo smiled. "I'm not radioactive."

"No, I suppose not." She sat down on the couch and watched him carefully.

There was silence for a minute, before Leonardo finally said. "I have to go."

She drew the blanket around her and shivered. "Please, don't. I...I don't want to be alone. Sit down. Tell me about you." When Leo shook his head she became panicked. "Please."

Reluctantly, Leonardo walked over to a small chair and sat down. He reached out a hand. "My name is Leo."

She hesitated and then finally took the offered hand,

Leonardo patiently answered her questions, managing to leave out things that he didn't want her to know, in particular things about his family. As far as she knew, Leo had lived alone all of his life, with no family or close friends. He had learned to fight and survive by living on the streets. In actuality, he did a great deal of lying. Leo told himself it was to protect his family, but if he was perfectly honest with himself, it was also because he didn't want to be connected to anything. He still wanted to be just himself; not a ninja student, son or brother.
She accepted him as that. And once she got passed the whole turtle, afraid of being irradiated thing, they actually had a good time.

Hours later, Leonardo awoke to a strangled cry. He realized with a start that he had fallen asleep in the chair after persuading her to get some rest. He looked over to the couch and saw her thrashing about, apparently in the middle of some nightmare. Feeling grossly inadequate, Leo crawled over to the couch to offer some comfort.

"Hey, it's Leo. Wake up. You're ok. You're safe now."

She grabbed him and hung on for dear life, sobbing. Leo spoke soothing words to her and eventually her crying subsided. She looked up at him. "You're so kind to stay with me." She kissed him gently. They looked at each other for a moment and then kissed again.

Leo pulled away from her. "I should go."

She clutched him tighter. "No, please. I'm scared." She pulled him close and kissed him again.

Again, Leo pulled away. "Which is why I should go. You're scared and confused."

"No." She shook her head. "I know who and what you are. And who and what I am and what I want. Do you believe in love at first sight, Leo?"

Leo laughed. "Now I know you're confused. We hardly know each other."

She pulled him close again. "We have all night to find out." She kissed him again. "Just one thing though...how old are you anyway?"

Leo hesitated before finally saying, "Twenty-two."


Leonardo lay in bed beside her awake long after she had fallen asleep. An icy feeling had gripped his stomach. No matter how much he had tried to deny it tonight, he knew who he was and where his duty lie. Leo slipped out of bed quietly and left the apartment. He never looked back.


(End flashback)

Raphael stared wide-eyed and opened mouthed at his brother. "That's the end?" he asked after a minute of silence.

Leonardo leaned back in the chair. "Yep."

Raphael started to speak, stopped, tried again and stopped. Finally he just sat there speechless.

"Anyway," Leo continued. "When I got home, Splinter was waiting up for me. I made up some excuse about why I was so late. I don't even remember what it was now. I don't think he believed me, but he never called me on it."

Raph turned away, forehead creased as he tried to make some sense out of the whole story. He looked back to Leo and asked. "So what was the regret? What you did? Or that you left? What was her name anyway?"

Leo was thoughtful for a moment. "I don't remember."

"And the regret?" Raphael pressed.

Before Leo could answer there was a knock at the door. Donatello stepped in carrying a tray of food. "Sensei thought you might be hungry, Raph. And it's after 3 am, Leo. My turn to baby-sit."

Leonardo stood and stretched. "Right. I am tired. Have a good night. Oh and by the way, Raphael, I made the whole thing up. It never happened." He smiled and left the room.

Donatello sat in the vacated chair and watched Raphael ignore the tray of food and stare at the door their older brother just walked out of.

"So," Donatello said feeling like he had really missed something. "I don't see any broken furniture and..." He looked Raphael over. "No new bruises. SO, what did you and Leo talk about?"

Raphael turned to him as if seeing him for the first time. He smiled and shrugged. "You know Leo. Same old boring shit."


(Up next if you or I dare to cnntinue....Donatello)