Title: Reflections
By: Sharon Doyle
Started: 25th February 2002
Finished: 25th February 2002
Disclaimer: Not mine, again!
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Tess recalls her feelings on Hayley's departure.
Author's Notes: Thanks to Penny for the feedback, beta read and friendship. This is written from Tess' POV, a companion piece for Mother's Instinct.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It is so damn confronting seeing your mother walk through the door and to feel like you're twelve years old again. Thing is it's not my mother; it's Hayley's. And it's not me dealing with the pain and humiliation of a problem parent, it's Hayley.
If I could take away all her pain, all her innate sense of responsibility, for her I would. But I can't, I know that. Hayley is me, her mother is my mother. Parallel lives so many years on. How can a system allow children to live in this situation? What does a government know of the desire to please, making every waking moment a misery?
I know why she left. It wasn't because she wanted to. It was that responsibility thing again. She had to be, needed to be, Darien's protector.
But who is going to protect Hayley from life's evils?
Who will protect her from the scourge that is an alcoholic mother and a boyfriend with violent tendencies?
More importantly, who will love Hayley?
She will always have my love. I'm sure Hayley realises how important she is to me, how important we are to each other. But in Queensland with Tina and Rolo, she has no one. Well no one of substance anyway. I'm sure Tina loves Hayley, in her own way. Hell, who am I kidding? If I'm honest, I don't think Tina loves her at all. Love means so many wonderful things; it doesn't mean you can treat someone like a possession, like a slave. That's what Hayley is to Tina, a possession, a powerful tool to use against me.
Does this mean I've made Hayley's life worse? It certainly wasn't my intention. But perhaps in some way our shared love will make Tina even more determined to ruin Hayley's chances of happiness.
Hayley could be happy with me. We were happy together in the brief time that we had. Excepting of course those last few days. Confusion reigned in my head, I can tell you. I had no idea where Hayley was coming from. The smart arsed comments, the snide looks and to finish it all off, her essay. Her humiliation nearly tore me apart; it certainly took me to the point of no return. How she forgave me for slapping her I don't know. But that's real love I guess. Forgiveness is part of loving someone, I forgave Hayley and she forgave me.
And then Tina walked through my door. Her mere presence and I felt that complete insecurity of my childhood flood back. Her lack of thanks for looking after Hayley didn't matter to me. I don't need her thanks.
What I need is her daughter. Hayley makes my life complete. Me, Tess Gallagher, needing someone. I've always relied on that fact that I don't need anyone to make me feel whole. What a joke that is, I've been kidding myself the whole time. Hayley brings out a side to me I've held back for so long. There's an old adage, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. How true! I now know I need love, need to give it, need to have it returned. In fact I now truly believe how abnormal it is to not need it, not want or covet it.
As I watched Hayley walk from my life I felt the walls come crashing in on me. My grieving process began that very second. I grieved for what might have been with Hayley, our future together. Friendship, motherhood, family, simply the sheer joy of being with her. I grieved for it all and more. Once again I will have to pick up the pieces of my life and start again. I've done it before but I was still in denial then. Now I know what I want and need.
Love!
It's that simple really.
By: Sharon Doyle
Started: 25th February 2002
Finished: 25th February 2002
Disclaimer: Not mine, again!
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Tess recalls her feelings on Hayley's departure.
Author's Notes: Thanks to Penny for the feedback, beta read and friendship. This is written from Tess' POV, a companion piece for Mother's Instinct.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It is so damn confronting seeing your mother walk through the door and to feel like you're twelve years old again. Thing is it's not my mother; it's Hayley's. And it's not me dealing with the pain and humiliation of a problem parent, it's Hayley.
If I could take away all her pain, all her innate sense of responsibility, for her I would. But I can't, I know that. Hayley is me, her mother is my mother. Parallel lives so many years on. How can a system allow children to live in this situation? What does a government know of the desire to please, making every waking moment a misery?
I know why she left. It wasn't because she wanted to. It was that responsibility thing again. She had to be, needed to be, Darien's protector.
But who is going to protect Hayley from life's evils?
Who will protect her from the scourge that is an alcoholic mother and a boyfriend with violent tendencies?
More importantly, who will love Hayley?
She will always have my love. I'm sure Hayley realises how important she is to me, how important we are to each other. But in Queensland with Tina and Rolo, she has no one. Well no one of substance anyway. I'm sure Tina loves Hayley, in her own way. Hell, who am I kidding? If I'm honest, I don't think Tina loves her at all. Love means so many wonderful things; it doesn't mean you can treat someone like a possession, like a slave. That's what Hayley is to Tina, a possession, a powerful tool to use against me.
Does this mean I've made Hayley's life worse? It certainly wasn't my intention. But perhaps in some way our shared love will make Tina even more determined to ruin Hayley's chances of happiness.
Hayley could be happy with me. We were happy together in the brief time that we had. Excepting of course those last few days. Confusion reigned in my head, I can tell you. I had no idea where Hayley was coming from. The smart arsed comments, the snide looks and to finish it all off, her essay. Her humiliation nearly tore me apart; it certainly took me to the point of no return. How she forgave me for slapping her I don't know. But that's real love I guess. Forgiveness is part of loving someone, I forgave Hayley and she forgave me.
And then Tina walked through my door. Her mere presence and I felt that complete insecurity of my childhood flood back. Her lack of thanks for looking after Hayley didn't matter to me. I don't need her thanks.
What I need is her daughter. Hayley makes my life complete. Me, Tess Gallagher, needing someone. I've always relied on that fact that I don't need anyone to make me feel whole. What a joke that is, I've been kidding myself the whole time. Hayley brings out a side to me I've held back for so long. There's an old adage, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. How true! I now know I need love, need to give it, need to have it returned. In fact I now truly believe how abnormal it is to not need it, not want or covet it.
As I watched Hayley walk from my life I felt the walls come crashing in on me. My grieving process began that very second. I grieved for what might have been with Hayley, our future together. Friendship, motherhood, family, simply the sheer joy of being with her. I grieved for it all and more. Once again I will have to pick up the pieces of my life and start again. I've done it before but I was still in denial then. Now I know what I want and need.
Love!
It's that simple really.