~Chapter Eleven~

Keldin stood alone in the shadows of the Theed palace in which Queen Amidala had lived.  Jaina's been gone too long with Obi-Wan.  I hope she's all right because if she isn't, Obi-Wan's going to have Hell to pay.

He had had a very bad dream the night before…

Then the Queen of the planet in full make-up but only a handmaiden robe on came rushing up towards a bewildered Keldin.  Very soon, she had slammed him up against the wall.  "Where's Anakin?"

"I don't know."

"What'd you do to him?"
"I told you, I don't know."

"How come I don't believe you?"

"He went with Wokki, that's all I know."

She looked back over her shoulder to a single handmaiden was standing aloft.  He thought he saw a smirk on her handmaiden's face, but he couldn't tell because of her robe that concealed everything.  The handmaiden nodded her head and Amidala let him go.

Keldin took a deep breath.  Darn.  I wish she'd stick around a little longer for me instead of that bastard Anakin, he thought as she turned around to leave.

The handmaiden turned her head around to look at him.  That startled Keldin.  The thought that someone else could hear his thoughts freaked him out.  He doubted that she was looking at him because of the thought he had though.  No one could read his mind unless he let them, and he hadn't let anyone recently.

While Keldin was off in his own little world, feeling very glad that Anakin was nowhere around, Obi-Wan came into the palace carrying Jyana in his arms.  Jyana must have passed out or something because she couldn't walk on her own.

Keldin, didn't notice Obi-Wan and Jyana come in, but he did notice Wokki coming in a little later. 

Wokki pondered aloud upon entering.  "What's wrong with Jyana?"  He then made his way over there to check out things.

Keldin's eyes widened as he looked over there.  The way Obi-Wan was checking out Jyana infuriated him and he quickly stalked over to them.

Wokki looked up at the concerned Obi-Wan hoping to grab his attention before Keldin did by a smack in the back of the head.  It was no use.  Obi-Wan was so absorbed with worry for Jyana that he couldn't see anything else.  Keldin made his way over and smacked him hardly on his head.

"It wasn't my fault," was all Obi-Wan could say.

"But you didn't stop it anyway, so it's still your fault."

Isn't it always?

Keldin only nodded his response.

"Can't we all just get along?" the ewok pleaded.

Obi-Wan thought, I'd like to, while Keldin smiled as he shook his head.  Never.

Soon Keldin was pushed away from behind and Obi-Wan shoved away as well by the handmaiden that had yet again hid herself from sight so no one truly knew who she was.  "Move aside," she said forcefully.

The ewok backed away quickly, recognizing the handmaiden now kneeling next to Jyana.

"What are you doing?" Obi-Wan asked.

"Do you want help?"

"Yeah, but who are…?"

"Do you want me to help?"
"Of course, but…"

"I can't help if you keep pestering me and disturbing my concentration."

"She's right Obi-Wan, so back away," Keldin said with glee.

She flashed Keldin an angry look.  "You ain't helping much either so back off!"

That frightened Keldin a little.  But what frightened him the most were those bright blue eyes.  He had never seen such pretty eyes.  Aren't handmaiden's supposed to look very similar to the Queen?  The Queen has dark brown eyes, but this handmaiden does not.  That's enigmatic.  He had no clue why he was feeling this way when he had only seen her eyes and heard some of her thoughts which were now concentrated on the Healing powers of the Force.  He had never even felt this way about the Queen.

Jyana's eyes fluttered open.  "Syerré?" she asked.

"Just be quiet and rest Jyana.  I know exactly what you need."  She reached out with her hand and a bag flew across the room to her.  She made a motion with her finger and a small bottle came out of the bag and floated in the air in front of her.  She made another motion with her finger and the bottle opened and a single capsule came out and she took it in her hand and gave it to Jyana.  Syerré made another motion with her hand and a small glass of water appeared and Jyana took it and drank the capsule down without any question.

Before Obi-Wan could ask what was wrong with Jyana, Syerré addressed him, "Now carry Jyana to her room because she needs to rest and she can't walk on her own because she's still too weak.  Now don't pull and romantic bah-humbug mess or else you'll have to face the ultimate smack down.  You understand?"

I really like this girl, Keldin thought.

Syerré looked in his direction.  You don't deserve me.

Huh?

Obi-Wan nodded his agreement to Syerré's instruction and carried Jyana off with Wokki following to keep him in check.

"What was wrong with her?" Keldin asked.

"That's not your concern.  I have to go."

"But…"

"I must go."  She quickly left the room leaving Keldin to his own thoughts.

A while later Keldin had returned to the Theed hangar from Otoh Gunga, where he had stashed his ship that he was constructing.  He decided that it needed some more work.  Keldin, after a lot of great thought, decided to make it a group effort to help him finish the construction of his ship, with his instruction and surveillance of course.  He decided it would get his mind from wandering to the blue-eyed girl and back on Amidala because he knew her.  He also hoped that it would get Obi-Wan's mind off of Jyana.  So far it seemed as if it was working.

Jaden and Wokki were working together on the wiring of the hyperdrive. Obi-Wan was busy shining and polishing the outside of the ship.  Keldin was quickly moving from one part of the ship to another, making sure everything was working all right and that his helpers were not doing any damage to his ship.

"This ship is really high tech," Obi-Wan remarked to himself like he was Anakin, thinking of how Anakin would respond to the ship, "I didn't know a ship could be formatted to change into different modes like subs and then into hyperspace."

"I didn't think so either," he replied to hiself, "Obviously Keldin had knowledge of things we've never considered."  Sometimes talking to himself helped his lonliness at times be alright.

"Yeah.  Are you all right Master?  You don't look too good."

"I'm fine my Padawan.  Thanks for your concern."

Keldin looked at Obi-Wan's sad expression.  Oh darn.  He's still thinking about her.

Obi-Wan stopped what he was doing and thought to himself, I've got to ask her to marry me.

Don't even think about it, Keldin quickly sent to him.

Obi-Wan brushed the warning from Keldin away and continued his pondering over how to pop the question, so to speak, to Jyana.

"Hey Jaden, could you do something for me?" Keldin yelled to him.

There was no change of expression at all between Keldin and Jaden so Obi-Wan thought that it had something to do with the ship.  Jaden came down out of the ship, Wokki following to watch for he knew what was going on, walked behind Obi-Wan and smacked him in the back of the head and then walked back to what he was doing.  Obi-Wan just looked at Keldin and glared at the faint smirk that resided on the tall young man.  Thanks, Keldin sent to Jaden.  All the space punk did was resume working.  The ewok walked in and started working on the same thing Obi-Wan had been doing for the Jedi had ceased to work.

Jyana entered and just stood there aloft, staring at her brother's ship, which she herself thought was ugly, but she said nothing.  Keldin saw Jyana before Obi-Wan realized that she was even nearby.  He called out to her; "You want to help?"

"On the ugly ship?"

He glared at her and said nothing.

She looked at her possessive little brother and sighed, "Sure.  Why not?"

"Then make yourself useful and get to work."

She went over to what Wokki had been working on and started tinkering with it.  Since the polishing was done, he had started meddling with some of the wiring under Keldin's previous instruction even though he didn't like for other people to even get close to the intricate wiring of his expensive inventions.

Keldin briefly looked up from his own work and noticed Obi-Wan staring at his sister.  Don't even think about it, he sent.

Obi-Wan ignored Keldin.  He knew he had to ignore the little brother if he even wanted a chance with his sister.  He walked over to where Jyana was working and leaned against Keldin's ship, not noticing the fuming Keldin.  Obi-Wan stared at Jyana, trying to catch her eyes, which were focused instead at what she was doing.  Figuring he wasn't going to get her to look at him he decided to go ahead and get what was in out while he could.  "Hey Jyana," he started.

"Hello," was all she said without looking up.

He stifled down all his nervous heart that he could and said as calmly and casually as he could, "Will you marry me?"

"No!"  It hadn't come from Jyana, Obi-Wan knew.  That had come from Keldin instead.  Jyana gave her brother a quick glare and then looked back at what she had been doing and stared intently at it, saying nothing.

Obi-Wan just waited, patiently it seemed but inside he was getting even more nervous than he had been before he had even asked her the question that had changed everything.

There were footsteps walking down the platform of the ship.  As he came out completely of the ship, Jaden looked back at them, looked from one to another then from one to another continuously.  Suddenly, the possible future of them hit him so hard that it caused him to fall over laughing.  That one action caused Keldin to glare at Jaden because to the brother of the woman in question, this was not funny.

Jyana was still focused on what she was doing.  Obi-Wan now was looking at her nervously, slightly disturbed by Jaden's laughter and slightly scared by the way Keldin was looking at him.  Jyana then broke the silence that otherwise was only filled by Jaden's laughter and said, "Look, Obi, I'm sorry.  I can't marry you.  Not now."
"Not ever," Keldin stated.

"Look," she said giving Keldin a quick glare then Obi-Wan a sideways glance, "I ain't ready and I'd much rather be friends okay?"

Jaden stopped laughing and walked back up the ship's ramp and continued his work.  It had seemed as if he had wiped any remnant of hysterical laughter from his existence.

Obi-Wan shook his head, unbelieving that Jyana was telling exactly what she felt.  He sensed she was still fighting the truth of her own feelings.  Jyana didn't say anything else.  I've gotta ask her again later, Obi-Wan thought to himself, trying to guard his thoughts.

Keldin got up behind Obi-Wan and grabbed his arm and dragged him away from his ship.  "If you are going to compromise your integrity by trying to get my sister to do something of that nature with you, you can get the…" There was a large crash and explosion as Jaden fell out of the ship down the ramp screaming.  "…Away from my ship!"

Obi-Wan sheepishly left the area as quick as he could, but he looked back sadly at Jyana, who didn't even look up.

A shell shocked Jaden helplessly moaned, "Hey can I get some help over here?"

Wokki walked back in the hangar, looked back at Obi-Wan with a sad look, and went to help the electrocuted Jaden out.

When Obi-Wan was out of sight, Jyana muttered to her still fuming brother, "You overdid it."

"Yeah, so, you're still not marrying him."
"Keep thinking that."  It may just happen.

"No it won't."
"You're right.  At least not yet."

"Not ever."

Jyana just stared at the ship, not really seeing what she was doing.  I hope you're right Keldin.

Obi-Wan stood outside the hangar and looked back in longing to be with Jyana, yet not with her like she was now, but with her and loving her openly and have her not fight him.  He knew that as long as Keldin stood in the way, he couldn't even get close to her.  He then noticed she was talking to that brother of hers.  I hope I don't lose her because of him.  I don't want to hate Keldin but I can't help it.  He won't let Jaina make up her own mind.

"Obi-Wan, are you okay?" a familiar voice called to him.

He turned around and found himself face to face with Padmé.  But she hadn't addressed him in her regal voice.  She had addressed him with her normal voice the one she used when she wasn't decked out as Queen.  Some reason the idea of "Padmé" talking to him in the full Queen Amidala attire and make-up was kind of calming.  Besides, maybe she could help him out.  "No, Your Majesty," he addressed, " I'm not okay."

"What happened?"

"I asked Jyana to marry me."

"And…"

"Keldin said no first and then she turned me down."

"It figures."
"What?"

"That Keldin would do that.  He's awfully protective of his big sister."
"I noticed."

"If there's anything I can do to help you, let me know."
"I don't know of anything you can do to help."
"I could distract Keldin and talk to Jyana about this."
"If Jyana's going to marry me, she has to want to."

"She does.  She's only scared of how it'll change your relationship."

"Well, so am I, but I'd rather be married to her than have this fear as my weakness."
"And that could kill you."

"Yeah."

"The idea of getting Keldin out of the way is tempting though, isn't it?"  

"Quite so.  That's what I'm scared of most because I don't really want to be at odds with my own brother-in-law.  You shouldn't distract him though.  He's probably doing what he believes is right for his sister."

"Something you don't agree with."
"True."

"I don't agree with it either, but I guess he's the big brother that she needs."
"At least he really is her brother.  If he wasn't, I'd think there were ulterior motives and I would hate him more than I kind of do now."

Padmé Amidala nodded her agreement.  "He doesn't want to lose what he has left of his mother."

Obi-Wan nodded.  "I shouldn't change that.  I don't want to."

"But you will.  Maybe not much, but you will."
Obi-Wan sighed.  "Maybe you're right.  I just can't go on loving Jyana like I do and not marrying her."

Padmé stood on her tip-toes as best she could and gave Obi-Wan a sisterly kiss on the cheek saying, "Good luck."

He gave her a hug and bent to kiss her cheek as well in return saying, "Thanks."

As Padmé left him alone to his thoughts, Obi-Wan had one ridiculous thought stuck in his mind, Glad that make-up of hers doesn't rub off.

Excuse me? Came shooting through Obi-Wan's mind from the direction of the tall dark-haired menace.

I'd really wish he'd leave me alone.

Not as long as you're tormenting my sister and me.
Obi-Wan then looked back at a scowling Keldin who was staring in his direction.  We'll just see who wins this fight.

It's a challenge then.

It was a few days later that Jyana found herself in a large garden in the territory of the Theed Palace.  She could hear the waterfalls in the distance.  Keldin had ran off a while ago and dived from the top of one to the bottom.  Jyana thought he was nuts, but who was she to control her own brother.  He seemed to try to control her but she could not control him, which wasn't totally fair.  But when had life become fair?  Not since she had been alive and probably not even before she had even been anything at all.

Keldin walked into the garden to retrieve his trenchcoat.  His tunic had its sleeves ripped off recently, because Jyana remembered seeing them before, but she did not question him.  She had learned not to.  He was still dripping wet from his lovely swim.  Jyana shook her head at the grinning young man.  She knew she would never understand her own brother and that it was probably not her business to.  If she ever figured him out, the whole aspect of him being around would cease to have its suspense.

Keldin picked up his lightsaber and twirled it around like he would a baton in a parade of celebration.  He did not ignite it for he didn't need to.  Jyana thought she sensed he was doing that because he was preparing for a fight.  "Keldin, what are you doing?" she asked him.

"Getting ready."
"For what?"

"To fight Obi-Wan."
"Why?"
"I want to fight Obi-Wan!"

Jyana looked at Keldin in his eyes.  What she saw freaked her out.  This boy was seriously planning to fight Obi-Wan.  She knew for a fact that no matter how much older and better apt he was Obi-Wan Kenobi stood no chance against her brother.  If this fight took place, Keldin would surely kill Obi-Wan with no restraint or out of self-protection, and if that happened, she would lose them both, one to Death and the other to the Dark Side, and she couldn't let that happen.  It couldn't happen as long as she was alive and able to stop it.  No matter how much she couldn't marry Obi-Wan, she still couldn't face the possibility of him not being there or dead at the worst.  That slight realization made her go insane.  She couldn't love Obi-Wan, could she?  No she was only hallucinating.  Obi-Wan was just a good friend, nothing more, and nothing less, no matter what anyone tried to do or say.  Not even Keldin could take away her friendship with Obi-Wan.

Jyana took a seat on a bench away from her brother because he was beginning to scare her.  The she realized how much she truly hated being a Jedi and having these powers at the expense of others.  But her own power was not something she could run away from, no matter how much she wanted to.

Obi-Wan Kenobi was seeking Jyana Falson out at that time.  He was searching for her because he honestly couldn't fight himself anymore.  He would do whatever he could in order that Jyana Falson would become Jyana Kenobi, his wife.  If she would only stop fighting what even the Council believed was supposed to be, it would be easier for everyone to get along in life, except for maybe Keldin.

He entered the garden and saw her brother first, twirling around his lightsaber, which wasn't on.  He thinks he's gonna fight me?  Fine.  If it's a fight he wants, it's a fight he's gonna get.

Keldin spotted Obi-Wan coming and ceased his twirling and glared at him.  Obi-Wan said nothing to the young Jedi Knight.  He just looked around for Jyana.  Once spotted, that was where he headed.  He sat down next to Jyana and much more boldly asked, "Will you marry me?"

"I can't Obi-Wan."

"Now why is this?"

"I don't love you."

Obi-Wan shook his head.  "I can't believe that, Jyana.  Why can't you follow your heart?"
"What would her heart know?" Keldin asked angrily.

"Everything you don't understand," Obi-Wan yelled at him displaying his unsheltered anger and frustration as well.

Jyana didn't look at the two men.  She just sat there looking at her own hands trying to think of what she was supposed to do to stop any bloodshed or death, the two things that she dreaded most in her life as a Jedi.

"Who do I have to fight in order to marry you, Jyana?" Obi-Wan asked standing up.
Keldin ignited his lightsaber as fast as he could.  "Me!" he exclaimed before Jyana could even answer the question.

"I was asking your sister!"

"Never-the-less, you're going to have to fight me."

"No."  Both men looked back at Jyana who had rose from her sitting position.  She held her lightsaber before her as if offering it for inspection.  "Keldin, this isn't your fight.  It was never your fight.  This issue is between me and Obi-Wan and no one else."

"But I have to fight him!" Keldin protested.

"Well you don't.  And you won't."  She paused and looked at a confused Obi-Wan.  "Obi-Wan," she addressed him, "You have to fight me."

"What?" both Jedi responded.  They looked at each other, unsure of how to respond to this.  Obi-Wan's hand dropped from his lightsaber, which was still attached to his belt as he stated, "I can't fight you Jyana."

"You have before."

"But then I didn't know who you were."
"Well that shouldn't matter.  You still must fight me."

"I can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't.  If anyone would get hurt, it would be you."
"I still can't fight you."
"That's why he should fight me!" Keldin tried to put in.

"No Keldin.  It's my fight."

"But I'm your brother.  He doesn't have my approval for you to marry him."     

"I wouldn't care for your approval of anyone for me to marry.  Only my Daddy's opinion matters."

"And I've already got his," Obi-Wan muttered.

"But not mine," Keldin said.

"Obi-Wan still must fight me," Jyana stated with assurance.

"I can't fight you in a duel to the death, Jyana."

"It won't be to the death, Obi-Wan.  I can't kill you anymore than you can me."
"Fine.  If you insist."
"I do."  She ignited her double-bladed lightsaber and waited for Obi-Wan to ready himself physically and mentally to fight her.  She wanted this fight to be both fair and she also wanted to not let herself kill Obi-Wan, so she flipped off one of the blades, tore it off and tossed it aside.  She knew because of this fight she either had to marry Obi-Wan or lose him forever.  Whatever fate held, she didn't know, but she hoped that it was for both of their best.

Jyana made the first move when Obi-Wan was ready.  Keldin stood by for a while during the fight, just a tad disappointed that Jyana wouldn't let him fight Obi-Wan.  He didn't fully understand.  I have a bad feeling about this.  If she handles this matter, Obi-Wan's bound to win, and I don't want to see that happen.

Obi-Wan decided that while he was fighting her was the best time to question her and why she wouldn't marry him.  "Why can't you listen to your heart?"
"My heart doesn't think rationally."

"But it knows best."
"No it doesn't.  It only hurts me."
"Everything hurts, Jyana.  Just having to fight you hurts me."

"It hurts me too Obi-Wan.  More than you think."

Obi-Wan stalled his lightsaber.  "Then we shouldn't fight."

Jyana swung back at him.  "It is your destiny Obi-Wan, to fight for what you want."

"Jyana, the Force wills for you to marry me."

"Do you think I give a damn about what the Force wants?"
"What?"

"I can't stand having this power.  It kills me."

"But you are a Jedi."

"This is a recent revelation Obi-Wan.  It took a long time for me to hate having these Jedi reflexes."

"I'm sorry Jyana."  Obi-Wan ceased fighting her again.  "I won't make you use them."

"It is not for you to decide whether I use my reflexes or not.  It's up to me."  She made a lunge at him and they continued fighting, Jyana more vigorously and Obi-Wan with everything he had in him.  He would've much rather fought Keldin, but Jyana had her reasons for this fight to take place.

"The Force is not your enemy, Jyana."

"But it gives me no sense of hope.  No reason to live.  Everyone I love dies around me and the Force can't explain why."

"Maybe it's not your business to know."

"I don't care.  I still want to."

There was silence between them for a while as they fought each other.  Keldin got fed up watching them so he walked of.  He left his trenchcoat where it originally was and went to go take another dive off a waterfall to get his mind off whatever it was that was bothering him.

The lightsaber crossed and Obi-Wan and Jyana's faces were very close to each other.  They looked into each other's eyes for a brief moment.  Jyana saw everything she needed to see in Obi-Wan's eyes to prove to her his motives were pure, and that alone startled her.  Was that exactly what she wanted?  She wasn't totally sure.
"How about I give you something to live for?" Obi-Wan asked, sensing Jyana's walls were crumbling.

She pushed herself away.  "I don't want something to live for.  I want something I can die for."

He stared at her and closed his eyes briefly and reopened them and said, "But haven't you already found one when you wouldn't let Keldin fight me?"
She blinked at him, stunned.  "What does that have to do about anything?"

"You know exactly what I mean."

She certainly did, and the realization made her lunge at him and fight even harder.  Obi-Wan knew now why he had to fight her.  It was her own will that wouldn't let her marry him.  It had absolutely nothing to do with Keldin no matter how much her brother wanted it to be up to him.  It was Jyana that Obi-Wan was fighting.  It was Jyana that Jyana was fighting.

Their lightsabers crossed yet again and they faced each other with the wind knocked out of them both.  They only looked into each other's eyes and said nothing.  There were no words to express anything anymore.

The lightsabers crashed to the ground, not ignited without heed.  Their owners didn't even realize exactly what was going on.  Nothing else existed.  Only Obi-Wan and Jyana were there, passion no longer hidden and neither fighting the other.  Time stood still.

It wasn't the usual peck that had usually passed between them.  Obi-Wan had finally got the chance to kiss her the way he had longed to since the day he realized he loved Jyana.  And finally, she wasn't fighting him.  And finally, Keldin was nowhere to be found.  Her hands, first grabbing at his face, were now cradling the back of his neck, longing to never let go.  His hands, also first grabbing her face to his, were now holding her about her waist possessively.  Their tongues were meeting for the first time, and it wouldn't be the last time.  It had seemed as if it was the end of the fighting.

They backed up from each other briefly, though not far.  Taking breaths as if they couldn't breathe, they looked at each other wordlessly.  Obi-Wan was stunned at what he saw reflected in Jyana's eyes.  He couldn't help but lean in for more.

It was then that Jyana realized what had happened, and she got frightened.  Oh…  bloody hell…  She slapped Obi-Wan in the face just as he tried to kiss her again.  She broke away from the surprised and hurt Obi-Wan and screamed, "Don't you ever do that again!"

"Jyana…" Obi-Wan choked out, surprised and hurt at the all so sudden change in behavior that she had.

"Don't you dare tell anyone that happened!"

"Jyana…"

"Just leave me alone!"  Jyana ran crying from the garden, fighting all the emotions now flooding her and drowning her in tears.

"Jyana…" was all Obi-Wan could say as he himself broke down and cried.  He fell to the ground on his knees and buried his face in his hands.  "Jyana…" He had thought the fighting was over.  Why now is it worse?  Why now does the only thing I thought I lived for dart away from me crying?  Why must all hope dwindle?  Why does all hope seem lost?

It wasn't going to get better.  Not for a long while.  Keldin appeared back in the garden seeing a crying Obi-Wan and two dropped lightsabers nearby.  Keldin's first thought was that Obi-Wan might have killed her (which would've made him kill him right there and then), but that was dismissed by the way he was crying.  Keldin grinned, Ah good, she told him… but then a frown crossed his face when he noticed Jyana still running in the distance, also crying.  Oh no he didn't…  Angrily he accosted Obi-Wan, "What did you do to her?"
Obi-Wan sniffled and said not a word.

"You kissed her didn't you?"

Obi-Wan looked up at Keldin and muttered in pain, "We kissed.  There is a difference."

"You have some nerve.  Pulling that on my sister."

Obi-Wan put his head back in his hands and didn't respond a loud.  If you only knew…

"If I only knew what?"

"What your sister was really fighting?"

"I know what she's fighting!"

"What?"

She cares deeply about you… I don't want to tell him, but I've got to.  His face showed his turmoil.  He sighed reluctantly and said, "She loves you."

"Then why don't you let her marry me?"

"Because it's not right for her."

"What do you know?"

"You don't deserve her."

"And you do?"

"She's my sister."

"I love her!"

Keldin was startled at first but then responded, "Thank you!"

"What?"

"You're no longer lying about it."

"I never did."

"Sure.  I still don't like you any more than I did before."

"I don't care.  I really don't care.  Just leave me alone before you kill your own sister."

"What?"

"Just leave me alone."

Keldin stood there amazed at what Obi-Wan had said, then left, trying to figure out what he meant.  I could never kill my sister.  I love her.

Then let her make her own decisions.

Keldin looked back at Obi-Wan, who hadn't sent him anything.  It was that girl again, the blue-eyed handmaiden.  But she was nowhere to be seen.  Keldin left the premises, trying his best not to cry himself.  He couldn't show any weakness.  He knew what was now going to happen.