'Better than reality'

Disclaimer etc, in first chapter.

A.N – Thanks to all of you who reviewed.

* * *

When Rimmer woke up – all he could hear was bouncing about on the top bunk above him. The bedsprings were squeaking like mad.

'Oh smeg.' He mumbled, still half-asleep. Didn't Lister and Kochanski at least have the common decency to tell him to bugger off before they started shagging?

'Couldn't you do that somewhere else?' he stood up, and to his surprise found not Lister and Kochanski, but Kryten.

'I'm sorry sir?'

'Oh it's you. I thought it was…'

'Mister Lister? Well so did I.'

'Remind me again why you're here?'

The droid looked sheepish. 'Well you see…I was looking for Mister Lister, and Miss Kochanski.'

He paused. 'It's so unfair!'

Rimmer looked smegged off, 'what is?'

'He likes her better than me because she has…all those in and out bits that you humans like so much.' Kryten climbed down from the bunk where he had been searching the bed-sheets for any trace of Kochanski.

'Kryten smeg off will you?'

'Right away sir!'

As Kryten left, Rimmer looked at his watch. 'Smeg! It's 11:00 already.' He hurried into his uniform and ran down the corridor. He hoped Captain Hollister didn't order a mini-mars bar. He'd get a cupful of cold baked beans if he did. Rimmer still hadn't fixed the vending machines on C-deck. As he went down the corridor he bumped into Kochanski.

'Morning,' Kochanski didn't look like she had been up since 6 o' clock. She was one of the few lucky people who didn't mind mornings.

A sudden thought struck Rimmer, 'Why didn't you wake me?'

'Oh, sorry. But you looked so cute lying there, sleeping like a baby!' A few officers, including Todhunter walked by and laughed as they heard this.' 'Got to go, see you later Arnold.'



* * *

Kryten stood with his ear next to the door of Kochanski's quarters.

'Dave, this relationship is not going anywhere.'

There was a pause and then.

'Well it won't if you dump me.'

A sigh. 'I don't think we should break up Dave, I just think that if we went on a…temporary trial separation for a bit then we could…'

'Oh this just gets better and better! We go on a break, you go off with that officer bloke Tim – then we split up. Am I right?'

Now time for 'sarcastic mode' Kryten thought to himself.

'Yes Dave, you're right. You're always right aren't you?'

And Kryten didn't have time to jump out of the way as Kochanski stormed out.

'I suppose you heard all of that Kryten?' said Kochanski, with tears in her eyes.

'No ma'am! Lie mode cancel. I was just cleaning the wall.'

'Well don't let me stop you.'

* * *

Rimmer walked into his quarters later that afternoon. A full day of cleaning chicken-soup machines and bossing Lister around. 'Actually, he thought to himself as he got out his book,' (How to make women like you.) 'Lister wasn't that bad today, much quieter.' As he turned to page 26 (Flirting – reading the signs) he heard a noise come from inside the shower. He put down his book and opened the shower door. Sitting there was Kochanski, she was crying and was trying to cover up loud sobs.

'Kristine?'

'Oh…Arnold…' Another choked back cry.

Without saying a word Rimmer sat down beside her and closed the shower door. They sat there for a few moments. Rimmer was too embarrassed to say anything and Kochanski was trying to stop crying. Finally, Rimmer broke the silence, 'How long have you been in here?'

Kochanski managed to reply, 'Only an hour. I was in the drive room and Captain Hollister said that I should go back to my quarters to have a rest.'

'Why did he say that?'

'Because I was really angry, and kept mashing up the paper cups from the water cooler. Then I came back here and started crying.'

'Well what's got you so upset?'

Kochanski flung her arms round Rimmer and put her head on his shoulder. Rimmer turned red.

'Me and Dave, we…we've broken up.'

Rimmer held Kochanski as she started crying again. All the while thinking, is that all? They've broken up? So? He racked his brains, trying to think of something he could say to comfort her. He drew a blank.

He felt for a tissue, but didn't have one on him. But he had a chocolate bar. He was going to have it for lunch but had forgotten about it. Feeling stupid, he offered it to Kochanski. 'You…want this?'

Her eyes lit up. 'Thanks.'

'Of course!' thought Rimmer, that's what most women did when they broke up, ate chocolate, and cried for a bit. Men just got pissed out of their heads, then cried.

'So, he dumped you?'

'No.' Pause. 'I dumped him, well I didn't exactly dump him – just suggested that we went on a break. He took it the wrong way of course.'

Rimmer noticed that towards the end of that sentence Kochanski had stopped crying. She was more like her usual self now.

'Thanks for that Arnold, I'm a bit better now, I think I should go back to work. Do I look a mess?'

Rimmer looked at Kochanski's smudged mascara, her untidy hair that was sticking in bits to her face. 'You, a mess? Never!'

Kochanski laughed, 'Well, I might go have a bath first.'

Rimmer and Kochanski stood up at the same time – and found themselves standing directly opposite each other, their faces only a few inches apart.

Kochanski leaned over and kissed Rimmer on the cheek. It was different to all the other 'friendly' kisses like before. This was more passionate. Rimmer leaned back and kissed her on the lips.

Kochanski looked up at him. 'I think I should go.'

She left without saying another word. Rimmer watched her go, trying to think of something to say, but he was too confused. Did she like him? Or was she just leading him on? Was she still with Lister? Should he have kissed her?

Did he love her?

* * *

'Cat?'

'What?'

'You haven't seen Krissy have you?'

'Not lately.'

'Oh, just we had a bit of an argument and…'

Cat looked ecstatic, he fancied Kochanski like mad, even though there were loads of other women on board. 'You had a fight?'

'Yeh.'

'Was it a biggy?'

'No.'

'Oh, well when it is, tell me.'

'Smeg off will you Cat?'



* * *

Rimmer was sitting at his desk that night, thinking. Lister had gone off to drown his sorrows with Selby, Chen and Peterson at the bar.

Rimmer was just thinking how he should have at least finished page 26 before he made a move when Kochanski walked in.

Rimmer stood up, 'Look Kristine, about before…'

But Kochanski shook her head. 'Don't apologise.' And she kissed him right back.

'But I thought that…'

'Yeh but I…'

'But you and…'

'I like you a lot…'

'Do you? What about…'

'No, we broke up…'

'Oh, then why…'

But neither of them got their sentences finished, they were too busy kissing, and holding each other like they would never let go.

* * *

Rimmer woke up in his bunk the next morning, next to Kochanski. He couldn't believe it! It had happened!

'Morning.' Kochanski smiled.

Rimmer put his arms round her shoulder and kissed her. 'Last night…you did want to didn't you? I mean, you've never liked me before so It was a…a shock to say the least.'

Kochanski stared at him, completely taken aback. 'Oh, no Arnold, I did like you. But I couldn't really show it before – there was Dave, and…but I did like you.'

'But with the whole Cassandra thing? You didn't seem so keen on me then.'

'Well it was hardly the most romantic of times, I was waiting for the right moment to tell you.'

'Why did you break up with Lister?'

'Because of you…'

Rimmer was shocked, he was happy, but totally totally gob-smacked.

'Don't look so surprised!' Kochanski giggled.

'But, but…?'

'We weren't going anywhere, I knew he wouldn't commit, and he was quite happy to lie around in bed all day shagging, I know you're different.'

'Well you might be wrong there!' Rimmer teased.

She kissed him again, and just as they were ducking under the covers, the Cat walked in.

He froze, the tips of his gleaming white fangs pointing out of his lip.

'Good thing I'm only wearing my 32nd favourite suit.' He said after a while, 'cos I think I'm gonna throw up.'

Kochanski and Rimmer stayed silent.

Cat spun around – screaming, 'WAAAAAH!'

'You!' he pointed to Rimmer, then at Kochanski, 'and Officer Bud Babe?'

'Yes.' Said Rimmer. 'Me, and officer 'Bud Babe.'

The Cat looked at Kochanski. 'If I'd known you were so desperate.' He said, sympathetically, 'I'd have made my move back on Starbug!'

Kochanski smiled a fake smile and said, 'You know, you're right Cat. Maybe we should have sex sometime. Oh, and I hope you didn't mind me putting that red socks in with your whites…it's just the laundry basket was right there and…'

But Cat had run off to check on his sparkly white socks he had washed the night before. Pink was *so* not this season.

Kochanski kissed Rimmer again.

'I've got to go and tell Dave about us before the Cat does.'

Rimmer took Kochanski's hand. 'Stay. Cat will forget to mention it. In one ear and out the other, you know what he's like. It'll talke at least 3 hours to make sure his suits are okay.'

But Kochanski shook her head. 'I'm going to make sure Dave takes it the right way.'

'Of course he smegging won't!'

'But I want him to hear it coming from me.'

'Okay, do you want me to come with you?'

Kochanski nodded. 'Yes, but first I'm going to have a bath.'

She slipped on a dressing gown and walked towards the door.

'Will you scrub my back?'

* * * * * *

A.N – That took me ages to type, hope you enjoyed it. Please please please review. Thanks.