'Better than reality'

Disclaimer – Red Dwarf, and all characters etc, etc, do not belong to me. Neither does Titanic, which I mention somewhere later…

A.N – I *should* be revising for my science *and* my Spanish test, but I can't be bothered.

* * * * *

'That's not funny Kristine…' Lister stared at the two people in front of him.

'It wasn't a joke Dave. I'm…we're serious.'

Kochanski gratefully took the hand that Rimmer offered – and gripped it tightly.

'But…oh come on Krissy! A joke's a joke but if you keep it up for too long, it's stupid.

Lister moved towards to Kochanski and tried to kiss her – she turned away.

Lister then looked at Rimmer.

'Has she paid ya'? To say you're going out with each other? How much? 'Cos I can double it, if I double it and stop playing my guitar near you, then will you smeg off?'

'Lister – we're going out. Just accept that will you?'

'Dave, I'm sorry. I know it's all happened a bit fast but…'

'Fast? You're smegging well right it's happened fast. We hadn't even broken up yet.'

'Yes, we *had* Dave!' Kochanski shouted. 'We *had* broken up, and I *am* going out with Arnold – O.K?'

Kochanski pulled Rimmer to her and kissed him – full on the lips to prove her point.

'O.K!!' She screamed and pulled Rimmer out with her.

Once outside in the corridor Rimmer shut his mouth, which had been gaping open in shock since Kochanski had kissed him, then made her dramatic exit.

'I have *never* seen you do anything like that before.'

'Well…' Kochanski shrugged. 'He always does this when we break up. Acts like he's the only guy in the world, and that we're meant to be together forever. He knows that we just aren't right for each other – he just can't accept it.'

'You know, until the nanobots resurrected the crew – he *was* the only guy in the world.'

'You know what I mean.'

Rimmer put his arm round Kochanski's shoulders – 'Tell you what, I'll run you a nice hot bubble bath, and I'll find you the biggest tub of cottage cheese in the world, and the nicest pineapple chunks in deep space – then we can watch a video and have fantastic sex. O.K? Would that cheer you up?'

Kochanski nodded. 'Low fat cottage cheese.'

* * * * *

*I'll never let go Jack!*

Kochanski wiped a tear from her eye. 'I love this part!' Titanic always made her emotional.

Rimmer and Kochanski were lying in bed together watching the film.

Rimmer was also very emotional, but trying not to cry. He felt embarrassed crying in front of Kochanski. He felt he had to keep up the 'typically male' stereotype of not giving a damn about whether Jack or Rose died, or kissed etc. You'd think watching it for the 32nd time he would be used to the sad parts, but he was as touched by it as he had been the first time round. Even more so now that he understood what it was like to really love somebody.

He hugged Kochanski, and for once in his life, was just thankful for being alive.

* * *

'Mister Lister?'

No reply.

'Mister Lister?'

Silence.

'Mister Lis…'

'Yes Kryten, yes you can come in!! Fore smegs sakes Kryten, talk about bloody annoying.'

'Oh.'

Silence.

'It's just that I brought you some waffles. I noticed you weren't at breakfast this morning and I just wondered if, em…so no waffles?'

'No.'

'Should I go?'

'Please.'

Kryten shuffled out, balancing his tray with the beer milkshake, waffles and chicken vindaloo on it. It just wasn't right. Mister Lister had been acting so…peculiar. He hadn't eaten for days, stopped drinking, and had just stayed in his quarters all the time, staring into space.

But Mister Rimmer and Miss Kochanski were quite the opposite. They were always walking round together, laughing. He was always in her quarters, and buying her presents, taking her out. They both looked happier, younger, and had that look in their eyes that humans got when they were in…no. They couldn't be…they couldn't be. In…lov…in…llll…

In love? THAT WAS IT! They were in love. Kryten was…confused. He was angry because she had made his precious mister Lister upset, but he was happy because now they wouldn't be marrying, throwing him out and having gelfs round for dinner. Since Kryten was still working on 'ambivalence' he decided to go with angry.

* * *

'You cheap space hussy!'

'Kryten?'

'You sad, lonely, desperate, ruthless, mean mean person!!!!!!!!'

'Kryten, are you okay?'

'No! I am not. You're so meeeeean!'

'Why am I mean?'

'Because of…because of Mister Lister…and you and Mister Rimmer.'

'Oh…that.'

'Yes! That!'

'Kryten, let me explain…'

'No I will not let you explain. I have to go and see Mister Lister.'

'To fuss over him? Not leave him alone? I'm sure he can deal with a break up. He's a grown man Kryten, he doesn't need a crazy mother-hen android upsetting him.'

'Well…well if you'll excuse me I have to go put my guilt chip back in…you…you…'

'Mean space hussy?'

'Exactly.'

* * *

When Rimmer went into Kochanski's quarters later that evening she was sitting on her bunk eating a tub of cottage cheese – full fat.

'Hi.'

'Oh, it's you…hi.'

'Are…are you okay?'

'No.'

'Would you like to tell me why?'

'Kryten.'

'Kryten?'

'And Todhunter, and Captain smegging Hollister, and Lister – and the coffee machine down the corridor.'

'What?'

'First Kryten came in after breakfast and called me a cheap space hussy, then Todhunter kept on ignoring me, Hollister asked me if I was okay a million times this morning, and Lister won't even speak to me.'

Rimmer was confused. 'And the coffee machine?'

'Didn't give me de-caff!' Kochanski started to cry.

Rimmer sat down beside her, 'why are they all being funny with you?'

'I don't know.' Kochanski said unconvincingly.

'Yes you do.'

'Because, I'm going out with you.'

'Why does that make a difference.'

'It…it just does. Lister has friends, and loads of people know that we're going out – but not all of them are happy with that.'

Rimmer stared at her. 'Why not?'

Kochanski sighed, 'Kryten doesn't like to see Dave upset, Todhunter has always liked me, you know that, he doesn't now. Hollister, well…'

'Yes, I know what he thinks of me…go on.'

'And Lister still hasn't accepted I don't want him any more.'

'And the coffee machine?'

'Said he'd run out of de-caff!'

'Well if you want I can go fix that now…'

'No, stay with me.' Kochanksi hugged him.

'Okay.'

'Arnold?'

'Yes?'

'You know in Titanic? Where Jack gives Rose his life-jacket, and when they're in the water and he lets her have the piece of wood to lie on so she won't freeze?'

'Yes…'

'Would you do that for me?'

'No. I'd be too busy complaining to the Captain.'

He saw her staring at him. 'I mean, yes, yes of course.'

* * *

The next morning Holly's face came onto the screen in Kochanski's quarters.

'Alright dudes?'

'Holly…it's not even half six yet.'

'Yeh, but the captain wants to see you.'

'What?'

'About your exam res…'

But Rimmer had leapt out of bed and was already getting dressed.

'Do you know if I've passed? Because usually they just send me the letter saying I've failed.'

'I don't know. But he wants Kochanski to go with you.'

'Why me?' Kochanski had just woken up. 'It was Arnold's exam, not mine.'

'All I know is he wants you both to go and see him. Gordon Bennett, is it really that complicated?'

Holly left, and 5 minutes later Kochanski and Rimmer were waiting outside Hollister's office.'

* * * * * *

A.N – hope you liked it. Please review.