Based on the story "The Devil and Daniel Webster" originally written by Stephen Vincent Benet
Retold by Carmine
Disclaimer: With the exceptions of Ross, Welles, A. Lee Eanses, and KansPierre Rasea, not a single character belongs to me. The 12 jurors are copyrighted to themselves. The WOE characters and the jurors were not bribed to appear in this fic.
Lee Jordan had been sleeping in his cell when the warden came by his cell.
"Rise and shine, Jordan," the warden greeted the sleeping prisoner. Lee opened his eyes lazily and saw the warden, then turned over to sleep some more.
"Move it, 261994!" the warden shouted, calling out Lee's prison number.
"Urggh..." Lee dragged himself out of bed. The first thing he did was to check his reflection in the mirror--
--only to find out someone had taken his mirror.
"AUGH! What happened to my mirror?!" Lee exclaimed, panicking.
"Well, Ross managed to break all the mirrors except yours, so we took it out to use it till Welles broke that one too," A. Lee Eanse explained.
"NOOOO!!" Lee bolted out of his cell.
"Sheese, what's wrong with him?" Welles asked. "So what if I have more than seven years of bad luck?"
"Maybe someone here shouldn't have given Lee 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Making Yourself Look So Good You'll Believe It,'" Ross muttered.
Later
Lee hurled a brick at the wall as an alternative to breaking rocks. He was working alone--apparently still mad at his fellow inmates for breaking his mirror. "Oh, I'll sell my soul to the Devil to get out of here...to be a free man..." he muttered, hurling another brick at the wall. "Then I won't have to share anything against my will," he added.
A pop and a plume of smoke appeared behind Lee. "Well, well, well," a voice said.
Lee turned around--and saw Tatiana wearing a floor-length strapless red dress, a red headband with the complimentary two horns of the devil and she was carrying a three-pronged pitchfork. "Ack! What are you doing here?" Lee asked, surprised.
"Devil's Express," Tatiana started. "How can I help you?"
"Okay, nice try," Lee answered, shrugging the matter off. He turned his back to her and threw a third brick at the wall. "Just go away before you end up in a lot of trouble."
"You said you would sell your soul to the Devil for a life as a free man, didn't you?" Tatiana asked.
Lee stopped in his mid-hurl of a fourth brick. "Uh..." he paused.
"Answer my question, you egomaniac moron," Tatiana snapped.
"Okay, okay. Yes, I did say I wanted to sell my soul to the Devil for a life as a free man. But I didn't mean it literally," Lee answered, resuming his brick-hurling.
"You know, most people don't realize the actions of their words until it's too late. So, now that I've arrived..." Tatiana pulled out a piece of paper from nowhere, "...all you have to do is sign this contract, and you'll be out of jail a free man." A flaming pen appeared in Tatiana's hand. She placed the pen in Lee's hand.
Lee took the pen gingerly, avoiding the flames on the end, signed his name on the contract without even bothering to read first.
"Good." Tatiana took the pen back from Lee, and tucked away both contract and pen. "Here's the catch: If you pull off any heists and you get caught, I own your soul--"
"What if I pull off a crime and don't get caught? Does that mean you don't get to own my soul?" Lee interrupted.
"Well...technically, no, but--"
"HA! I'm smarter than the Devil, I'm smarter than the Devil!" Lee sang.
Lee's audacity enraged Tatiana. She immediately transformed herself to a giant, terrifying beast, three times Lee's size. Her skin, once pale, turned into a bright red, scaly skin. Her eyes became orbs of fire, and her hands morphed into claws, now clutching a gigantic three-pronged pitchfork, enlarged three times its size as well. The horns on her headband had molded into her skull, completing her change from a young, pretty woman to a hideous devil that would've horrified even the most hardened of criminals.
"YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN THE DEVIL HERSELF!" she roared, her voice echoing the depths and darkness of hell. "AND I'LL GET YOUR SOUL ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, LEE JORDAN!" Tatiana then struck the end of her large pitchfork into the ground and disappeared in a plume of red smoke.
Lee blinked. "Whoa..."
But Tatiana, the Princess of Darkness who had visited him last week, kept her word. Lee's jail sentence was "mysteriously" overturned in court, and he traded in his orange jumpsuit for some street clothes.
"Woohoo!" Lee cried out in glee. "I'm finally a free man!"
Now when you're released from jail, usually you'll try to do anything to make sure you don't go back to prison. But not Lee. Within three days, he started up his life of crime again, this time making sure he kept a low profile on his heists. But the Devil kept her word--one way or another she was bound to get Lee's soul, and auction it to the highest bidder.
Okay, maybe not. But the Princess of Darkness was going to get Lee's soul, sooner or later.
One night, Carmen Sandiego was planning a robbery at a museum.
"Let's see..." Carmen opened up several blueprints of the musuem, noting where there was security measures put in place.
Meanwhile, Lee also broke into the museum. So far, so good. He carefully made his way through the exhibits, looking for anything valuable to steal. He hadn't noticed he tripped a moving laser among the displays, but when he left the room with a painting, the sirens went off, alerting a security guard, who immediately hit the alarms.
Carmen had also been alerted by both sirens and alarms. "What the heck?" Carmen abandoned her blueprints and looked over the second-floor railing. It was Lee, panicking.
"Uh oh!" Lee immediately tried to run for the nearest exit, but was tackled by the guard. By then, police, along with Zack, the Chief Ivy, had arrived.
"Lee! I knew there was something bad when you were released from jail!" the Chief exclaimed.
"Yeah, makes one wonder how his sentence was overturned," Ivy added. "Looks like it's back to the slammer from where you came."
"Ah, but that's not where he is headed for," a voice said. Everyone turned around to see Tatiana--the Devil had come back.
"Tatiana?" Zack was surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"Lee, I believe you made a contract which you apparently broke, so off you go." Tatiana pointed her pitchfork at Lee, and a beam of fire shot out from the middle prong of the pitchfork. The security guard pulled Lee back, causing the beam to miss Lee.
"YOU FOOL!" Tatiana's eyes once again became fire orbs. She grabbed Lee by the arm. "Come with me!" she ordered.
"Hold it!" Carmen jumped over the railing and landed down on the lower floor. "I don't like the idea, but doesn't Lee Jordan deserve a fair trial?" she asked.
"Oh, you and your 'fair trials' and 'due processes,'" Tatiana muttered, rolling her eyes. "But if you insist--fine. We'll have a trial, here at midnight tomorrow. For now, Lee Jordan, you'll be spending the next 24 hours--in HELL!" Still holding onto Lee's arm, she struck the end of her pitchfork and both Lee and Tatiana disappeared in a plume of red smoke.
The next night, Lee Galease, Zack, Carmen, and Ivy were at the museum. "It's midnight," Zack noted, consulting his watch.
Suddenly a cage of fire rose up from the floor, and Lee Jordan appeared in the cage, cowering in terror.
"Oooh...that's not a pretty sight," Zack commented.
A judge's desk appeared, rising from the floor as well. R.B. Traitor was the judge of the case. Tatiana the Devil appeared next.
"Hear ye, hear ye," R.B. Traitor's voice boomed. "The Court of Hellish and Diabolical Affairs is now in session. Case presented is Lee Jordan versus the Devil."
Lee Galease approached Tatiana. "Alright, but before the trial I would like to set a few guidelines here." Lee stated. "One: We get bathroom breaks every thirty minutes."
"Agreed," Tatiana replied. "Two: The jury will be selected by me."
"Agreed," Lee answered. Then the message sunk in. "No, wait--!"
"Hey, you agreed to my terms," Tatiana countered, silencing Lee Galease. She stepped back, facing the Chief, Zack, Ivy, Carmen, Lee Galease, and Lee Jordan. "I present you the jury of the damned: Al 'Scarface' Capone, Timothy McVeigh, Dr. Gunnar Maelstrom--"
A jury box appeared and the famed gangster appeared, along with the Oklahoma City bomber and Maelstrom. "But I'm not dead yet!" Maelstrom protested. "In fact, I'm still serving my prison sentence!" he added.
Tatiana approached the doctor and threatened him with her pitchfork. "Hey, I did a favor for you back in the 1980s," she snapped. "Don't start with me."
"Yes, ma'am," Maelstrom sighed.
Tatiana stepped back. "Good," she muttered. "Comtesse Jeanne de la Motte Valois, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mata Hari, Bonnie Parker, Clyde Barrow, Jesse James, James Earl Ray, Eric Harris, and Dylan Klebold." Tatiana finished.
The jury box now contained a gangster from the 1930s, a mad doctor from Carmen's Acme days, the Oklahoma City bomber, a corrupt comtesse from 18th century France, JFK's assassin, a WWI German spy, the Romeo and Juliet outlaw pair of the West, a bank robber from the Wild West, the Martin Luther King assassin, and the Columbine teenage killers.
"Your Honor, I hold a contract between me and one Mr. Lee Jordan--" The paper appeared in Tatiana's hand, "--pledging me his soul in exchange for one chance for a life as a free man, on the account he did not commit any crimes and get caught--which I delivered." She unfolded the contract and handed to Traitor, then faced the jury, Carmen, Ivy, Zack, Lee Jordan, and Lee Galease. "I simply ask for what is mine."
Lee Galease stood up. "That was a right, pretty speech, but what is a contract? Webster defines the word as an agreement under the law which is unbreakable. WHICH IS UNBREAKABLE!" Lee emphasized. The judge, Tatiana, the jury, Carmen, Lee Jordan, Zack, the Chief, and Ivy stared at the lawyer.
"You idiot..." Carmen muttered under her breath. She half-expected the floor to give way under her lawyer.
"Excuse me, I must use the restroom," Lee pardoned himself, and quickly walked away.
One hour passed, and Lee had not appeared. Carmen went to check on him.
"Galease?" Carmen called, knocking on the men's restroom door. She opened the door and found the only way out--the restroom window--was open. Her lawyer had decided to escape to avoid incriminating himself any further.
"Damn..." Carmen cursed. She would have to be the lawyer and plead Lee Jordan's case. She grabbed a pen from a desk, and took out a black-and-white photo of Lee from her trench coat pocket.
Back at the courtroom, Traitor banged his gavel twice. Lee Jordan was on his knees, giving his most pleading look to the judge. Tatiana had a look of eagerness at the sentencing she and everyone else was about to hear. "Lee Jordan," Traitor's voice boomed. "I have no choice but to sentence you to an eternity of--"
"WAIT!" Carmen returned to the courtroom with the photo in hand. "Before you send him to hell, I have an important piece of evidence to present you." She handed the photo to the jury. "This is a picture of Lee arresting me in Morocco." she explained. It was a photo of a furious Lee with the Moroccan and no Carmen in sight.
"Yes, but I don't see you in the picture," Bonnie Parker commented.
"So how is it possible, Miss Sandiego?" Maelstrom asked. "Lee certainly couldn't have arrested you the same time you weren't even there," he added sarcastically, trying to irk Carmen.
"Well, you see, this was Lee arresting me--after his case was botched by the Moroccan police and I escaped," Carmen continued, looking over her shoulder to Lee.
The entire jury, along with Zack, Ivy, Traitor, the Chief, and Tatiana, all started laughing, much to Lee's chagrin. "Carmen! I can't believe that!" Lee hissed.
"But that's not it! Read the back, Lee wrote something there!" Carmen hissed. She didn't like playing lawyer to someone who had turned against both Acme and VILE, but it was necessary to save his soul.
The gangster turned the photo over. "I told the Chief I'd sell my soul to him if I didn't catch Carmen. I guess I'm done for it," Al Capone read Lee's "handwriting" on the back of the photo, looking at the rest of the jury. Unbeknownst to everyone, Carmen had forged Lee's handwriting.
The jury turned towards themselves, discussing the case. Tatiana had a look of eagerness when Traitor was about to sentence Lee, but it turned to worriment when the jury had fresh evidence.
Finally, after a few minutes' deliberation, the Oklahoma City bomber stood up. "We've heard enough, and we've seen the evidence. Your Honor, we find that Lee Jordan's soul is legally the property of the Chief and not of the Devil," Timothy McVeigh proclaimed.
"NO!" Tatiana gasped. She couldn't believe she had lost the case.
"Woohoo!" Lee shouted in glee. He couldn't believe his luck. "Carmen, I could kiss you!" he declared.
"Gross," the Chief, Zack, and Ivy all responded at once. Ivy grimaced at the line.
"Uh uh. No way. Not in your life, Lee Jordan," Carmen fired back.
Traitor banged his gavel, and he, the desk, the 12 jurors, and the jury box disappeared. Tatiana approached Lee as the cage of fire melted away. "Alright, Jordan. You get your soul back," she said, anger in her voice. "But let that ill-gotten life never be forgotten!"
A blood-curdling shriek pierced the night air as lightning struck and thunder roared.
Lee stared at the ceiling on his upper bunk bed. "This sucks," he muttered. He was back to where he was--in jail, and this time, with a roommate.
"Don't start," Lee's roommate, KansPierre Racae threatened from the bottom bunk. He was serving consecutive life sentences for murdering several police officers. "You should be lucky you're serving life with parole. I'd sell my soul to the Devil for a life with parole."
"That can be arranged," a voice said. Lee bolted up from his bed and saw Tatiana again, in her red dress, headband, and carrying her three-pronged pitchfork as usual.
"Oh brother," Lee sighed.