Once in awhile, if you're very lucky, life gives you a do-over.
This is a work in progress.
Continued from Down the Rabbit Hole
CHAPTER TWO---A SECOND CHANCE
Caroline was dreaming again, thankfully without the aid of any synthetic this time. She was preparing to walk down the aisle once again. This time she knew it was Richard waiting for her at the alter. She couldn't see him since she was standing in the foyer waiting for the music to begin but she just knew it. The really odd thing was that she was holding Salty in her arms instead of a bouquet. Annie ran up to her and tugged on her arm. Caroline shook her off. Nothing was going to get in the way this time. Annie tugged again, harder, calling her name. Her eyes popped open only to see the far wall of her own bedroom and feel Annie shaking her arm to wake her.
"I can't believe you're still sleeping, Caroline. Do you know its past noon? Do you know that you left your door unlocked? How are ya feeling today?"
There were too many questions. Instead of answering, she asked one of her own. "What day is it?"
"Sunday, you nut. So how long did it take for you to realize your trip to L.A. was a bust?"
Caroline groaned long and loud. "Somewhere around two in the morning. Annie, I can't believe I screwed up the Leno interview. My agent is going to ream me for this."
"Honey, it wasn't your fault. How were you supposed to know there were illegal drugs in the pocket of Richard's jacket? I say we blame him." She bounced on the end of the bed much to Caroline's irritation.
Caroline ignored the last statement. "I just don't get it. How did this happen to me? I'm always very responsible and careful, I don't take risks-"
"Just like a girl scout." Annie muttered under her breath.
"I don't smoke, take drugs, drink too much, or pick up guys too often. But how in the world could I ruin my one and only chance to be on Jay Leno? How am I going to explain this?" She groaned again and pulled her comforter completely over her head.
Annie started tapping her back. "Caroline, the best thing for you right now is a strong cup of coffee and fresh air. You'll feel better after that. Take it from a pro."
"Moway" was the muffled response from her friend.
Annie wrinkled her brow. "What?"
Caroline lifted her head out briefly and repeated, "Go way, I'm tired."
"Come on, sleepyhead, I'll just keep bugging you so you won't get any sleep anyway." Annie began rhythmically tapping on her back. Caroline gave up. Annie was the more persistent of the two.
"Okay, but I go on record against the idea." Caroline swung her legs out of bed. She had to steady herself when she first stood up but it was the headache that made her nauseous. She threw on a dirty sweatshirt and jeans that she found on the floor, ignoring Annie's groans. Running her fingers through her hair in place of a comb, she headed downstairs with Annie close behind. The phone started ringing but she ignored it. As her outgoing message ended, the voice of her agitated agent could be heard. She pulled the door shut, making sure she locked it this time.
Annie led the way down the street several blocks to a new pub and grill they had visited last week. Had it only been last week? It seemed like a lifetime ago.
"Don't you just love this place? It's got a great atmosphere." Annie said enthusiastically as her eyes checked out any and all available men in one quick sweep of the room.
Caroline glanced around the crowded bar. Phil's Pub had that dim lighting that was so popular now. Round, cloth covered tables had been crammed in close proximity to each other. A long solid oak bar with a profuse number of alcoholic bottles adorned shelves along one complete wall. It seemed to Caroline that the serving staff consisted of only men. Buff men dressed alike in white short sleeve shirts and tight red shorts. Ah yes, the atmosphere. They had arrived early enough to be seated immediately at a table in the middle of the room.
"You look like you have a little more color in your face," Annie commented.
"How in the world can you tell, Annie? It's so dark in here." Caroline felt tired and grumpy. She really wanted to be left alone with her thoughts. Memories of yesterday's dream world were coming back to her. Richard, Richard, Richard. Everything kept coming back to him.
"Okay, so tell me all about your trip yesterday. How was it?" Annie had put some emphasis on the word 'trip.'
Caroline had to stop and think about it. How could she possibly put into words the emotions she had felt? She had remembered feeling utter happiness, total heartache, absolute confusion and uncontrollable anger all within a short span of time. The intensity of each of the emotions had been felt through her entire being. This was something that was foreign to her. She had always prided herself on her self-control and calm demeanor. She didn't make scenes. After all, she was from Wisconsin.
But she couldn't explain this to her friend. She would never really understand. So instead she just said, "Annie, I don't really want to talk about it. It was weird."
"You're telling me. All I heard was some stuff that made no sense. It was supposed to be memories from your past and your life, you know, like in your dreams. So piece it together for me."
"Well, all of you were in it, you, Del, Charlie and...and Richard." She whispered the last name. "So it was my life except that no one acted like themselves. Even I didn't act like myself. It didn't make sense and half the time it was just stupid. I'm sure it didn't mean anything." Caroline didn't sound too sure of herself. "Richard would never elope with Julia in real life anyway. Sheesh." She was really talking to herself rather than to Annie. She tried to laugh it off but it came out sounding more like a nervous squeak. She started examining the silverware as a diversion.
"There's that name again. Who the hell is she, anyway? You kept talking about her like you hated her."
"She was Richard's old girlfriend who left him years ago. He told me about her the first day he started working for me. I don't know why I would remember her and I certainly wouldn't hate her." Caroline smiled weakly, knowing that she was protesting too much. If it wasn't hate, it was certainly jealousy. She was amazed that she could still feel the strong emotions even now. Maybe by Monday when she looked Richard in the face, she could get over this strange feeling and her life would get back to normal. And maybe pigs could fly.
Annie was getting impatient. "Just tell me about your dreams and don't leave out the good stuff."
Caroline hesitated and then began reciting her dream starting with Charlie looking for his father, Richard running into Julia, their pretend marriage and his eventual elopement.
"And you weren't jealous. I remember hearing you say that." Annie informed her. "Who would be jealous of some woman marrying Richard anyway? She ought to get sympathy cards."
Caroline just stared down at the table. The host came up to the table with two menus. "Your waiter will be here shortly."
"Oooh, I hope it's that guy we saw here last week. He was gorgeous." Annie looked over at her friend. "Caroline, you okay?"
Caroline nodded.
"You were saying..." Annie encouraged.
Caroline hesitated for a few minutes but Annie beckoned her to continue. She would rather not talk about some of the stuff she had dreamed. She knew she could censor some of it and Annie would never know and she would never have to explain. "Then I picked up this guy in a bookstore but he turned out to be a total bore. I guess all it means is that I have a boring life." She picked up the menu and stared at it. She didn't want to eat but figured she should since she hadn't eaten since...she couldn't even remember.
Annie was thinking and tapping her cheek with one forefinger. "That sounds like the time I had you pick up that guy in the men's department at Barney's and he was a complete bore. Remember that? And you told me you pretended to be Richard's wife in front of that mobster's girlfriend to get him out of trouble, too. And didn't you tell me that when you visited Richard drunk, he slept on the floor? What a guy."
"Coincidences, Annie."
Annie shrugged. "Then what?"
"I seem to remember that Julia threw Richard a really big birthday party with all his friends. I had a sandwich at the Stage Deli named after me. Julia's father was trying to kill Richard so I followed him around to protect him. Julia inherited three million dollars so Richard could quit working for me and paint all day. Those are not from my past."
Annie stared at her friend. Caroline looked a little lost.
"Hmmm, how about the time you had a park in your hometown named after you? And that time you thought the super, Mr. Tedescu was going to be killed so you followed him around and a few months ago when that wealthy art patron with three names was going to support Richard so he could paint all day." Annie was confidently ticking her points off on her fingers. "By the way, you probably remember that Richard had a big birthday party last year because that's what he told us. But he lied. He was all alone. Guess I forgot to tell you that."
"More coincidences?" Caroline asked weakly.
"Yeah, sure, if you say so. So tell me the rest of it."
Caroline continued on with her story of the wacko marriage counselor tying the bunch of them up, their trip to Spain to clear up a misunderstanding about a bracelet (at this point Annie wanted to know if she had had any "fun" in Spain), Richard and Julia's marriage ending and Richard kissing her. Annie's eyebrows shot up.
"Well, I didn't think the guy had it in him."
"Now you can't tell me those things have happened before."
"Let me think. Wait a minute, didn't Richard's dad tie you up in a chair for his comedy act? And you did exchange those ugly earrings Del gave you for that bracelet, remember?"
"Yes, but that's all. I have never broken up anyone's marriage and Richard has never kissed me." She looked puzzled for a moment, then her eyes widened. "Except for the time he kissed me in Remo's and asked if I got his letter." She was staring off into the distance, still puzzled over why he would have suddenly kissed her and why he would write her a letter. He really was a great kisser. She finally heard Annie's voice calling her name.
"What?" She answered, startled.
"Wow, you scared me. I thought maybe you were hallucinating again."
"I was just thinking, that's all." She continued on with their conversation. "Annie, there have never been any bulls in my life, real or otherwise. I would have remembered that." This she was quite positive about. Bulls chasing Richard? Not in her life. She snorted in disbelief.
Annie didn't comment. She was rotating her head in all directions, focusing on finding her prey. The bar was steadily filling up with lunch customers. Annie had to twist, turn and rise up part way in her chair to see the other side of the room.
"I thought that waiter was going to take our order. Where is he?" Caroline was getting irritated. She really needed to go back to sleep. She didn't really want to think about yesterday's world.
Annie suddenly came to life. "There he is. Caroline, just act natural. I'll do all the talking." Annie straightened her hair and quickly added more lipstick. She smiled up at the waiter. Caroline looked again at the menu and bleakly ordered a salad without looking up. Annie started questioning him about the freshness of the chicken. Caroline looked up in shock at the sound of a familiar voice.
"Trevor!?" She stood up fast, knocking her chair over backwards with a loud crash. Annie and the waiter weren't the only ones staring at her. The entire place suddenly grew quiet.
"Uh, no, uh, my name is Steven, not Trevor."
"No, it's Trevor. You told me your name was Trevor." Caroline insisted weakly.
"Uh, miss, I should know my own name. And we have never met before."
"But you have to be Trevor..." Caroline insisted. He looked exactly as he did in her dream. Same muscles, same chest. Maybe she was psychic about the future or maybe she was still dreaming and just thought she was awake or...now her headache was returning. She slowly sat back down on the chair that a busboy had righted for her, still staring up at Trevor/Steven.
"She doesn't get out much. Sorry about that. Maybe you could just get us our food." Annie smiled apologetically and watched him walk away.
Annie leaned towards Caroline and muttered, "Can't I take you anywhere? I was trying to make a move on him."
"Trevor. That was Trevor. He was the guy in my dream. I guess I didn't mention him. Now I know where he came from."
Annie raised one enquiring eyebrow.
"I dreamed he was my boyfriend and he was going to move in with me except Richard kept getting in the way," Caroline explained. "So he left me, leaving a mattress behind and nothing else."
"A mattress? Hmmm. No, I'm not getting anything." Annie was squinting hard with concentration.
Caroline thought for a moment then a look of recognition passed over her features. "Oh. Ohhhh."
"What?"
"When Richard left for Paris last summer, he took everything except his mattress. He left that for his super."
"See? Memories again. But you actually let that guy go for Richard?"
Caroline nodded. "I bet you think I've lost my mind or that I'm going crazy. I feel like it right now."
"Yeah, you said that a lot yesterday. But I guess that's understandable if you were dreaming about kissing Frankenstein." Annie quickly changed the subject. "So, how was he?" She asked with a grin.
Caroline looked shocked. "How was Richard?"
"Noooo. How was Steven? Any good in the sack?" Annie was wiggling her eyebrows and laughing. "Just want to be prepared for my date with him."
Caroline was still shocked over seeing Trevor-Steven. "Why don't I remember meeting him?"
"Because you were busy worrying about Richard again. You thought he was depressed. Isn't that like worrying about the humidity every summer? You know it's there, you just tolerate it as a natural fact of life." Annie was becoming a little impatient with Caroline. She was just curious to hear about the rest of Caroline's hallucination. "So tell me the rest..."
Caroline laid her head on the table, groaning. "Do I have to?"
"Yes, this is really entertaining. Please, Caroline. I have to live vicariously through you."
"Well, speaking of dates, I dreamt you went to a banquet with your drycleaner because you were depressed about being fired from Cats. He was this really geeky guy, not your type at all. At least you realized you had used him. And you and Del were having a secret affair." She started laughing just at the memory of it.
Annie was not laughing with her. "No, that would be you that went to your awards banquet with Richard the geek, and you were definitely using him. Not that it matters. As far as Del and I," she made a gagging sound. "I think you were remembering Ma and Remo, sneaking around and thinking I didn't know about them."
Caroline had sobered up. Maybe Annie was right. All the insane things she had dreamt about were from her past. Except for dating Richard. That couldn't be, could it? Trevor-Steven laid their plates on the table, watching Caroline warily and keeping a respectable distance from her. Just great. He thought she was crazy too. Annie was flirting with him and he was starting to respond. Only in real life would Annie end up with the guy.
Caroline waited until he left to continue their conversation. "Okay, smarty pants, since you know so much about my life, how about these? I dreamt that I went on a date with Richard and he lied about having dinner reservations at this really great restaurant. Then he got stuck in a vent on my roof but he had drawn me this really romantic subway map. And he and I agreed not to have sex for two months. Explain those." Caroline crossed her arms in front of her, waiting.
Annie shut her eyes, deep in thought. "Okay, wait, wait, it's coming to me. Got it! Lying about the reservations would have been me, when I lied about reservations at Alana's on the day of your wedding shower." She had the grace to look sheepish and apologetic. She was really trying to be more responsible as difficult as it was for her. "As far as the rest, Richard got stuck in your partner's desk, Joe is the one that gave you a romantic map of the land he bought and you and Del were the ones that agreed not to have sex for two weeks for your abstention experiment." She rattled them off quickly then grinned. "See? Memories. Damn, I'm good at this. Give me some more!"
"Annie, this isn't funny. This is my life."
"And I seem to know it better than you. Caroline, relax. You were just hallucinating. You didn't recognize all those things as your life because they were rather twisted. Actually it sounds like fun."
"But it all seemed so real and it wasn't fun." She bit her lower lip, a habit when she was deep in thought. She couldn't help but remember the end of her dream when Richard left her. Six long months and never hearing from him. She could still feel the intenseness of the loss as if it were real. When he had disappeared for three months last summer with never a word from him, it hadn't felt like this. She just remembered being irritated and a little hurt. She certainly did not remember feeling as if her heart had been ripped out.
"The only thing real about it was that you spent most of the time talking about Richard, crying over Richard and being angry with Richard. You must have been bored to death."
Annie was talking while trying to catch Steven's eye across the bar. Caroline sighed. She was used to her friend being so flippant when it came to talking to and about Richard. She wondered if Annie really couldn't stand the guy. It was on the tip of her tongue to ask then decided not to. In the end, it would be her own decision who she wanted in her life, not Annie's.
"Annie, I don't want you to say anything to Richard or anybody else about this weekend. Let's just keep it our little secret. It's just a little too embarrassing."
"Our little secret?" Annie repeated after her. "But this is too good. It just begs to be told to someone. Do you know how often this could happen to you? Never!"
"No, Annie. I mean it. If you say anything to anyone, especially Richard, I will never speak to you again."
"Come on, Caroline. I know you don't mean that." Annie looked at her friend's serious face. "Okay, I guess you do. I promise. Happy?"
Caroline nodded. Annie continued. "Um, speaking of secrets, I have this little hypothetical problem and I need your advice. I have this friend, well, kind of a friend, more like an acquaintance, I guess. Anywho, this person asked me to keep a secret from another friend, a really good friend because the first friend thought it would hurt the other friend to know about this secret. Should I?" Annie was looking so serious that Caroline was amazed.
"Annie, if you said what I think you said, I would respect the first friend and not tell the second friend about the secret. You're trying to be more responsible, remember?"
Annie looked frustrated. "I knew you would say that. Why do I even bother? Who needs responsibility, anyway? It's not nearly as much fun."
"Annie..."
"Yeah, yeah, okay. Both secrets are safe with me. But don't ask me to keep anymore. It's too hard. I might explode or something."
Caroline was looking thoughtful again. Annie noticed that she hadn't eaten much throughout their conversation and now toyed with her salad. Something was on her mind since she wasn't usually this quiet and low-key.
"Annie, do you believe in second chances?"
"I would if I could get that gorgeous guy back over here." Her eyes were following Steven around the room.
Caroline laughed. "No, I mean, what if you could do your life over again. Would you change anything about yourself?"
"I'd come back as a blonde. They have more fun." This last part was uttered just as Steven leaned down close and was apparently having an intimate conversation with a woman with long, blonde cascading locks. Annie looked disgusted. "Men."
"Annie, I was talking about something deeper than that. What if. . .if you were shown that you had really messed up certain parts of your life. That you hadn't realized that you had feelings for certain people because you were too blind," now Caroline was stumbling over her words, "and...and you might lose that person if you don't do something about it. If you were given a chance to do your life over again, would you make different choices?" her voice wandered off.
"No. But I get the feeling you would. What is so wrong with your life? It's perfect. You're famous, have a great career and a great loft, you make lots of money. You could have any guy you wanted if you just weren't so picky."
"I know. It's just..." Caroline hesitated. "There are things I would change. Things like...Richard."
"Caroline, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you can't change Richard. He's pretty hopeless."
Caroline took a deep breath. "I don't mean 'change him.' I meant that I want to change the way I treat Richard. It's just that I think I may have been blind about him. I think I have..." she hesitated again. Why was this so difficult for her? Other women had no problem saying it. "You know, feelings, for him."
"Ahhh, feelings." Annie raised an eyebrow. She had figured out long ago how difficult it was for Caroline to admit to even herself that she could have deeper feelings. She had to maintain careful control over her emotions. "Caroline, you really don't like using four lettered words, do you?" At Caroline's look of confusion, Annie continued, "L-o-v-e. Love. That's the hardest word for you to say."
Caroline became indignant. "No, it isn't. I can say it. I just don't abuse the word like some people do." Her inference was clear. Annie ignored it.
"Did you ever say it to Del?"
"Of course, I---did. I'm sure I must have. I would have...." Caroline hesitated, trying to recall.
"Hon, if you have to think that hard to remember, you probably didn't. Maybe the reason is because you didn't really love Del and your subconscious knew it even if you couldn't admit it." Annie looked smug.
"Annie, are you reading another one of those self-help books on relationships again?"
"Yes, but that's not the point." Annie leaned back in her chair and smiled at her. "So, Ritchie, huh?"
Caroline smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, who knew? Especially not me." She started nibbling on her lower lip.
"Well, Ma knew and I refuse to tell her she was right."
"But why didn't I see it before? Why did I have to become a druggie to discover my feelings about him?" The second the words were out of her mouth, Caroline realized the stupidity of her question.
Annie started laughing, so hard that her eyes started tearing up. "Wow, I could go in so many directions with that one. You don't really want me to answer that, do you?" Caroline just shook her head.
"It would be easier if I knew how he felt about me. You once told me he had a crush on me. But that was a long time ago. I wish I had some kind of proof without actually coming out and asking him." She idly noticed that Annie didn't look directly at her but instead swiveled her eyes off to the side and clamped her lips together.
"I just don't want to ruin our friendship or scare him away," she continued. "I just have to figure out what to do next. We haven't even been out on a real date. Maybe I'll change my mind. I'll just have to think about it and talk to him when I feel the time is right." She could feel herself backpedaling. Maybe those feelings of hers had just been in her mind after all.
"So you'll analyze it, scrutinize it, bisect it and then put it under a microscope. My god, Caroline, we'll both be on social security by then. Haven't you learned to just go with the flow and trust your instincts?"
"No but you'll be glad to hear that my alter ego in my dreams made snap decisions to give away her egg and ask Trevor, I mean, Steven, to move in with her. I had even decided to marry some guy named Randy. I remember that he was a funny, nice, happy kind of guy from Peshtigo. I guess I must have thought he was a good match."
"So you fell for the male version of you? Like looking in a mirror. Just a little boring."
Caroline nodded her head in agreement. "Then Richard came back into my life and I remember feeling that I only wanted him." She could feel herself blushing in embarrassment again. She desperately wanted to change the subject.
"So, that explains Trevor, Richard and Randy. Who was Stefano?"
Caroline smiled gently. "I dreamt that Richard had a son, from Julia of course, named Stefano. He loved him, took care of him, bonded with him. Where did I get that from?"
"Haven't the faintest idea. It's an Italian name, that's all I know."
Caroline had a sudden intake of breath. "Stefano...DeStefano. Joe DeStefano." She looked triumphant.
Annie blinked twice. "Young doctor Joe? In your mind he became a baby?"
Caroline nodded. "I remember now that he kept trying to bond with Richard who, of course, wanted nothing to do with him." They looked at each other and started giggling.
As the two of them left the bar, they passed a man walking his pit bull. Caroline backed away from him, warily watching the dog, remembering distinctly that day in upstate New York when that wild one-eared pit bull chased she and Richard across his property. She still remembered the fear as she turned around, saw it close on Richard's heels and yelled at him to run. Her thoughts connected. The pit bull. The bulls. Richard running for his life. Her mind had exaggerated one dog into numerous charging bulls. She stood perfectly still on the sidewalk, smiling and shaking her head. Her mind was a scary place.
It was a few minutes before Caroline realized that Annie had been saying her name. She shook her head to clear it and looked at Annie.
"Caroline, are you sure you're okay? You keep zoning out on me."
Caroline smiled at her. "Annie, thank you for bringing me home safe and in one piece. It must have been hell for you."
"What are friends for? You would've done the same for me. I'm just sorry about not making it to the show. I really tried. Hey, why don't we go home? You look like you could use some more sleep."
Caroline nodded in agreement. "I want to make one stop on the way."
As they walked down the street, Annie couldn't resist saying, "Don't you see the incredible irony in this? You've been spending years looking for Mr. Perfect and you end up being crazy about ol'Ritchie."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It was a normal Monday morning. Except this day she was nervous just thinking about Richard. She'd always thought of him as her friend and nothing else. Funny how one long intense hallucination of being intimate with him changed him from 'just Richard' into a sexual person.
She must have tried on half a dozen outfits, discarding each one in turn onto a large pile on the bedroom floor. She was finally happy with an outfit that was dressier than she usually wore to work. Since she worked at home, she'd allowed herself to become pretty sloppy lately. It had never mattered before. Now she checked carefully to make sure her makeup was perfect and her favorite perfume had been applied.
She stared back at her reflection in the mirror. She was suddenly reminded of that time in her childhood when her grandma Duffy had read to her from books of fantasy by Lewis Carroll. Every night for weeks after that, Caroline would reach out her palm to touch her own mirror wondering if there really was a reverse world on the other side of the glass. Or maybe there really was such a rabbit hole that led down into a twisted world of seemingly familiar faces. Maybe, she had thought, it was a wonderful world, unlike her boring little existence in tiny Peshtigo.
Well, the mystery was over. She had found that rabbit hole. It had been an exciting place but a painful and confusing one as well. She was glad to be back. She did learn one important lesson from the whole horrible mess. She had a second chance to do it right.
She heard a key in the lock and her front door swing open. She took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Okay, here we go. She tripped lightly down the stairs. Richard trudged in the door, looking at the floor with a dour expression.
"Good morning, Richard. How are you today?" She helped him off with his coat, hanging it on a peg. She could feel her heart racing.
"It's Monday, Caroline. Take a guess." Richard said grumpily. "Neighbors on one side of me were fighting all weekend long and the neighbor on the other side seems to have acquired a drum." He flopped down in his chair on the far side of the partner's desk, rubbing his weary face. He finally took a good look at Caroline.
"I guess I missed the memo on the new dress code." He observed. "Or do we just have some company for breakfast?" He raised his eyes to the second floor.
"No, there's no one up there, Richard. I...I just felt like dressing up today, that's all."
"Just as long as you don't expect me to do the same." He murmured as he was looking down at the day's strips to be colored in. A picture of him all dressed up popped into her mind and then was quickly replaced by the image of him undressed. Feeling her face grow warm, she jumped up to make coffee in the kitchen so she could turn her back to him.
"So, Richard, tell me everything you been doing while I was gone."
"Caroline, you were only gone a weekend. How much could I have done?"
She raised her head from what she was doing. "Wow, it seems more like years." She hesitated just a moment. "Well, I don't know, I guess you could have run off and ...and gotten married or something." She knew her high-pitched laughter sounded a little too hysterical. She just couldn't get over this nervousness around him.
Richard stared at her for a moment, dumbfounded. "Oh, right, Caroline. Did I fail to mention that?" He answered dryly. "I did what I always do the first Saturday of the month. I read the Innuit Review at my favorite restaurant. Luckily, they still let me inside."
Caroline remembered that night she "accidentally" ran into Richard at that French restaurant and what a calamity it had turned out to be. First a fire, then an embarrassing encounter with fellow diners. Richard had not been happy with her. She had kind of hoped he had forgotten about that night. Of course he hadn't. It did remind her of what she wanted to ask him.
"I have an idea, Richard. Why don't we go out for dinner and a movie tonight?" She waited nervously for his answer. She thought she had sounded pretty cool. She carried over both of the cups of coffee to the desk.
"No thanks, Caroline. I have a lot of painting I want to catch up on this week."
"Richard, you have to take some time off. How about Friday night? I'll buy."
"No thanks, Caroline. I'm sure you have plenty of friends you can call to go with you." He was concentrating so hard on the details of the strip he was coloring that he failed to see the disappointment on her face. She sat down slowly, watching his concentration.
Caroline's door opened and Annie sauntered in, still in her bathrobe. "God, do I need coffee right now. Intravenously if possible." She headed for the coffeepot in the kitchen. "Sooo, you two having a deep and meaningful discussion?" She was grinning wickedly.
"Yes, Annie, we were debating the meaning of life." Richard muttered sarcastically.
"Really? I thought you'd be discussing the meaning of feelings." Annie looked smugly between both of them. Richard looked shocked, recovered quickly and then looked back down at his work. At the same moment Caroline turned around to give her silent threatening looks. Neither saw the other one's reaction. Annie loved to cause trouble for the sake of entertainment. It just made her whole day. She casually sauntered out, carrying her cup of coffee and smiling to herself.
Caroline ran out after her and caught up to her in the hall. "You promised me. You said you wouldn't say anything to Richard." Caroline was getting flustered. She thought she could trust Annie.
"Hey, technically I didn't say a word about the weekend. I'll keep your secret even if it kills me. You can trust me."
Caroline was a little mollified. "I hope so. But I still think you're wrong about his feelings for me. I don't see anything in Richard that says he likes me. He hasn't even mentioned the refrigerator full of food. He never asks me anything personal. I don't think he even cares." As she said this last part, she felt incredibly sad.
Annie was getting concerned but had no time to encourage her friend. "Cheer up, Caroline. Maybe you should just flirt with him. Anyway, I've got to get ready for a breakfast date. See you later."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Caroline was frustrated. She would be the first to admit that she usually got what she wanted. In the way of men, that is. She had never been without a guy, even in grade school. Annie was right. She could be with someone right now if only she wasn't so picky. But why shouldn't she be? Even someone who wasn't choosey could figure out that the guys she had dated were too boring, self-involved, already married or, thinking back on Joe, way too young. Was she being picky or was she looking for something else? Anyway, she was frustrated. Unlike all the other guys, Richard was not jumping at the idea of a date with her. Of course, she didn't call it a 'date.' She casually mentioned going to dinner and a movie. Surely that could be construed as just recreation between friends. She was moving slow all right, at a snail's pace. Unfortunately, Richard wouldn't cooperate.
All week she had casually hinted at it. Even to the point of bringing out a newspaper and mentioning the local movies being run or some new restaurant that just opened its doors. But she got no cooperation from him. Since she was his employer, she had to word it carefully. She certainly wouldn't want him to think he was obligated in any way. Or worse, be accused of sexual harassment. She only wanted him to think of her as an equal. That's how she now thought of him. Flirting, as Annie had suggested, was definitely out of the question. Not that she didn't give it some thought or even daydream about where it could lead. So she was frustrated. Nothing had ever equaled this annoyance of finally discovering deep emotions about a certain someone and not being able to do anything about it. The old saying 'so close but yet so far away' had never been more true.
She spun around in her chair in time to watch Salty pawing at the fish swimming in the fish tank. That was exactly the way she felt. She just couldn't reach what she wanted. A picture of Richard frantically doing the breaststroke around the inside of the fish tank as she attempted to catch him popped into her mind. She laughed out loud and then jumped when Richard spoke. She had momentarily forgotten where she was.
"Care to share? I could use a laugh today." Richard had removed his glasses and was rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"Uh, Salty. I was laughing at Salty trying to catch the fish." She smiled at him. He looked so adorable and somehow vulnerable without his glasses. Her breath caught in her chest. He never noticed.
"Salty again, Caroline? You really need to get out of here occasionally." He leaned back in his chair to stretch his back. She watched him out of the corner of her eyes so she wouldn't appear obvious.
"No kidding." She muttered under her breath. Aloud she said, "Something like dinner and a movie is exactly what I need."
"Well, Caroline, why don't you just treat yourself and go out? Surely you can go out on your own by now."
"Nope. I'm just going to make my own dinner and then read a book, a really good book. In case you want to know, it's the new John Gresham book. So there." Caroline walked into the kitchen and busied herself with chicken and a sauté pan. She would prove to him how self-sufficient she was. It wasn't long before she had a plume of smoke wafting through the loft.
Richard finished the last of the day's work and sat back watching her move around in the kitchen. Something was different about her. It wasn't a physical thing. She looked exactly the same. If he had to put a finger on it, he would say it was more of an inner awareness thing. Maybe he was imagining it, but it seemed as if she was more conscious of her surroundings and self-conscious around him. Which was absolutely ridiculous. She was still his boss, still that silly woman with a cat, still the one that kept interfering in his life. He knew they were friends because she kept informing him of the fact. There was no reason why she should be suddenly different but she was.
So why the refrigerator full of food Monday morning or the raise in his paycheck this week? She had definitely been more subdued than usual, even intense. In a strange way, he almost missed her hyperactivity. Now she was trying to cook. Emphasis on the word 'trying.' His nose wrinkled at the smell. He just had to see what she was ruining.
"Caroline, what are you doing?"
"I'm sautéing some chicken. Why?"
He walked into the kitchen and stood next to her, noticing how she jumped nervously. "Sautéing? You're cremating it. Here, let me." He impatiently took the fork out of her hand and turned the flame down. He worked for a few minutes, conscious of her standing there and watching him. Now he was getting nervous.
"Wow, Richard, I didn't know you knew how to cook." She was honestly amazed.
"How else could I have survived my childhood? I had to eat. I learned cooking mostly by trial and error and sometimes from my grandmother."
"Your mom never cooked?" She was leaning against the stovetop watching him and completely engrossed in their conversation.
"No. It would have cut into her drinking time." He deftly turned the chicken breasts over, seasoning them with a combination of anything he could find in the cupboards. He started another pan with flour, wine and more spices.
"These will be ready soon. If you're making anything else, you better hurry."
Caroline pulled out her rice cooker and got to work. The smells of chicken, garlic and curry pervaded the place. Richard noticed how Caroline became more animated than she had been all week. Her eyes were sparkling and the pink color on her cheeks just added to her beauty. He figured it was probably time to escape. That was usually the safest thing for him to do whenever he felt he was losing control. The choice was that or a sarcastic remark. Since he couldn't think of anything to say, he walked over to the coat rack and picked up his brown coat.
"Richard, don't leave after helping me with all this. I can't possibly eat it all. Please stay and have dinner with me." She was staring at him from the middle of her kitchen, wearing that silly Caroline in the City apron. The smells were intoxicating. He could feel his stomach rumbling in protest. He stood there in indecision.
In life, one small, seemingly innocent choice can lead to another and then another, until one looks back and doesn't recognize the path one has traveled until it's too late to turn back. Richard knew this, which is why all his decisions were carefully thought out. This was just his way to keep some kind of control against the chaos of his life, his way of insulating himself against the world. Thinking back on that night later, if he had to pinpoint one precise moment where one decision changed the path of his carefully structured life, this is where he would have to lay the blame. This is where he made his first mistake.
TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER THREE---LET THE GAMES BEGIN
This is a work in progress.
Continued from Down the Rabbit Hole
CHAPTER TWO---A SECOND CHANCE
Caroline was dreaming again, thankfully without the aid of any synthetic this time. She was preparing to walk down the aisle once again. This time she knew it was Richard waiting for her at the alter. She couldn't see him since she was standing in the foyer waiting for the music to begin but she just knew it. The really odd thing was that she was holding Salty in her arms instead of a bouquet. Annie ran up to her and tugged on her arm. Caroline shook her off. Nothing was going to get in the way this time. Annie tugged again, harder, calling her name. Her eyes popped open only to see the far wall of her own bedroom and feel Annie shaking her arm to wake her.
"I can't believe you're still sleeping, Caroline. Do you know its past noon? Do you know that you left your door unlocked? How are ya feeling today?"
There were too many questions. Instead of answering, she asked one of her own. "What day is it?"
"Sunday, you nut. So how long did it take for you to realize your trip to L.A. was a bust?"
Caroline groaned long and loud. "Somewhere around two in the morning. Annie, I can't believe I screwed up the Leno interview. My agent is going to ream me for this."
"Honey, it wasn't your fault. How were you supposed to know there were illegal drugs in the pocket of Richard's jacket? I say we blame him." She bounced on the end of the bed much to Caroline's irritation.
Caroline ignored the last statement. "I just don't get it. How did this happen to me? I'm always very responsible and careful, I don't take risks-"
"Just like a girl scout." Annie muttered under her breath.
"I don't smoke, take drugs, drink too much, or pick up guys too often. But how in the world could I ruin my one and only chance to be on Jay Leno? How am I going to explain this?" She groaned again and pulled her comforter completely over her head.
Annie started tapping her back. "Caroline, the best thing for you right now is a strong cup of coffee and fresh air. You'll feel better after that. Take it from a pro."
"Moway" was the muffled response from her friend.
Annie wrinkled her brow. "What?"
Caroline lifted her head out briefly and repeated, "Go way, I'm tired."
"Come on, sleepyhead, I'll just keep bugging you so you won't get any sleep anyway." Annie began rhythmically tapping on her back. Caroline gave up. Annie was the more persistent of the two.
"Okay, but I go on record against the idea." Caroline swung her legs out of bed. She had to steady herself when she first stood up but it was the headache that made her nauseous. She threw on a dirty sweatshirt and jeans that she found on the floor, ignoring Annie's groans. Running her fingers through her hair in place of a comb, she headed downstairs with Annie close behind. The phone started ringing but she ignored it. As her outgoing message ended, the voice of her agitated agent could be heard. She pulled the door shut, making sure she locked it this time.
Annie led the way down the street several blocks to a new pub and grill they had visited last week. Had it only been last week? It seemed like a lifetime ago.
"Don't you just love this place? It's got a great atmosphere." Annie said enthusiastically as her eyes checked out any and all available men in one quick sweep of the room.
Caroline glanced around the crowded bar. Phil's Pub had that dim lighting that was so popular now. Round, cloth covered tables had been crammed in close proximity to each other. A long solid oak bar with a profuse number of alcoholic bottles adorned shelves along one complete wall. It seemed to Caroline that the serving staff consisted of only men. Buff men dressed alike in white short sleeve shirts and tight red shorts. Ah yes, the atmosphere. They had arrived early enough to be seated immediately at a table in the middle of the room.
"You look like you have a little more color in your face," Annie commented.
"How in the world can you tell, Annie? It's so dark in here." Caroline felt tired and grumpy. She really wanted to be left alone with her thoughts. Memories of yesterday's dream world were coming back to her. Richard, Richard, Richard. Everything kept coming back to him.
"Okay, so tell me all about your trip yesterday. How was it?" Annie had put some emphasis on the word 'trip.'
Caroline had to stop and think about it. How could she possibly put into words the emotions she had felt? She had remembered feeling utter happiness, total heartache, absolute confusion and uncontrollable anger all within a short span of time. The intensity of each of the emotions had been felt through her entire being. This was something that was foreign to her. She had always prided herself on her self-control and calm demeanor. She didn't make scenes. After all, she was from Wisconsin.
But she couldn't explain this to her friend. She would never really understand. So instead she just said, "Annie, I don't really want to talk about it. It was weird."
"You're telling me. All I heard was some stuff that made no sense. It was supposed to be memories from your past and your life, you know, like in your dreams. So piece it together for me."
"Well, all of you were in it, you, Del, Charlie and...and Richard." She whispered the last name. "So it was my life except that no one acted like themselves. Even I didn't act like myself. It didn't make sense and half the time it was just stupid. I'm sure it didn't mean anything." Caroline didn't sound too sure of herself. "Richard would never elope with Julia in real life anyway. Sheesh." She was really talking to herself rather than to Annie. She tried to laugh it off but it came out sounding more like a nervous squeak. She started examining the silverware as a diversion.
"There's that name again. Who the hell is she, anyway? You kept talking about her like you hated her."
"She was Richard's old girlfriend who left him years ago. He told me about her the first day he started working for me. I don't know why I would remember her and I certainly wouldn't hate her." Caroline smiled weakly, knowing that she was protesting too much. If it wasn't hate, it was certainly jealousy. She was amazed that she could still feel the strong emotions even now. Maybe by Monday when she looked Richard in the face, she could get over this strange feeling and her life would get back to normal. And maybe pigs could fly.
Annie was getting impatient. "Just tell me about your dreams and don't leave out the good stuff."
Caroline hesitated and then began reciting her dream starting with Charlie looking for his father, Richard running into Julia, their pretend marriage and his eventual elopement.
"And you weren't jealous. I remember hearing you say that." Annie informed her. "Who would be jealous of some woman marrying Richard anyway? She ought to get sympathy cards."
Caroline just stared down at the table. The host came up to the table with two menus. "Your waiter will be here shortly."
"Oooh, I hope it's that guy we saw here last week. He was gorgeous." Annie looked over at her friend. "Caroline, you okay?"
Caroline nodded.
"You were saying..." Annie encouraged.
Caroline hesitated for a few minutes but Annie beckoned her to continue. She would rather not talk about some of the stuff she had dreamed. She knew she could censor some of it and Annie would never know and she would never have to explain. "Then I picked up this guy in a bookstore but he turned out to be a total bore. I guess all it means is that I have a boring life." She picked up the menu and stared at it. She didn't want to eat but figured she should since she hadn't eaten since...she couldn't even remember.
Annie was thinking and tapping her cheek with one forefinger. "That sounds like the time I had you pick up that guy in the men's department at Barney's and he was a complete bore. Remember that? And you told me you pretended to be Richard's wife in front of that mobster's girlfriend to get him out of trouble, too. And didn't you tell me that when you visited Richard drunk, he slept on the floor? What a guy."
"Coincidences, Annie."
Annie shrugged. "Then what?"
"I seem to remember that Julia threw Richard a really big birthday party with all his friends. I had a sandwich at the Stage Deli named after me. Julia's father was trying to kill Richard so I followed him around to protect him. Julia inherited three million dollars so Richard could quit working for me and paint all day. Those are not from my past."
Annie stared at her friend. Caroline looked a little lost.
"Hmmm, how about the time you had a park in your hometown named after you? And that time you thought the super, Mr. Tedescu was going to be killed so you followed him around and a few months ago when that wealthy art patron with three names was going to support Richard so he could paint all day." Annie was confidently ticking her points off on her fingers. "By the way, you probably remember that Richard had a big birthday party last year because that's what he told us. But he lied. He was all alone. Guess I forgot to tell you that."
"More coincidences?" Caroline asked weakly.
"Yeah, sure, if you say so. So tell me the rest of it."
Caroline continued on with her story of the wacko marriage counselor tying the bunch of them up, their trip to Spain to clear up a misunderstanding about a bracelet (at this point Annie wanted to know if she had had any "fun" in Spain), Richard and Julia's marriage ending and Richard kissing her. Annie's eyebrows shot up.
"Well, I didn't think the guy had it in him."
"Now you can't tell me those things have happened before."
"Let me think. Wait a minute, didn't Richard's dad tie you up in a chair for his comedy act? And you did exchange those ugly earrings Del gave you for that bracelet, remember?"
"Yes, but that's all. I have never broken up anyone's marriage and Richard has never kissed me." She looked puzzled for a moment, then her eyes widened. "Except for the time he kissed me in Remo's and asked if I got his letter." She was staring off into the distance, still puzzled over why he would have suddenly kissed her and why he would write her a letter. He really was a great kisser. She finally heard Annie's voice calling her name.
"What?" She answered, startled.
"Wow, you scared me. I thought maybe you were hallucinating again."
"I was just thinking, that's all." She continued on with their conversation. "Annie, there have never been any bulls in my life, real or otherwise. I would have remembered that." This she was quite positive about. Bulls chasing Richard? Not in her life. She snorted in disbelief.
Annie didn't comment. She was rotating her head in all directions, focusing on finding her prey. The bar was steadily filling up with lunch customers. Annie had to twist, turn and rise up part way in her chair to see the other side of the room.
"I thought that waiter was going to take our order. Where is he?" Caroline was getting irritated. She really needed to go back to sleep. She didn't really want to think about yesterday's world.
Annie suddenly came to life. "There he is. Caroline, just act natural. I'll do all the talking." Annie straightened her hair and quickly added more lipstick. She smiled up at the waiter. Caroline looked again at the menu and bleakly ordered a salad without looking up. Annie started questioning him about the freshness of the chicken. Caroline looked up in shock at the sound of a familiar voice.
"Trevor!?" She stood up fast, knocking her chair over backwards with a loud crash. Annie and the waiter weren't the only ones staring at her. The entire place suddenly grew quiet.
"Uh, no, uh, my name is Steven, not Trevor."
"No, it's Trevor. You told me your name was Trevor." Caroline insisted weakly.
"Uh, miss, I should know my own name. And we have never met before."
"But you have to be Trevor..." Caroline insisted. He looked exactly as he did in her dream. Same muscles, same chest. Maybe she was psychic about the future or maybe she was still dreaming and just thought she was awake or...now her headache was returning. She slowly sat back down on the chair that a busboy had righted for her, still staring up at Trevor/Steven.
"She doesn't get out much. Sorry about that. Maybe you could just get us our food." Annie smiled apologetically and watched him walk away.
Annie leaned towards Caroline and muttered, "Can't I take you anywhere? I was trying to make a move on him."
"Trevor. That was Trevor. He was the guy in my dream. I guess I didn't mention him. Now I know where he came from."
Annie raised one enquiring eyebrow.
"I dreamed he was my boyfriend and he was going to move in with me except Richard kept getting in the way," Caroline explained. "So he left me, leaving a mattress behind and nothing else."
"A mattress? Hmmm. No, I'm not getting anything." Annie was squinting hard with concentration.
Caroline thought for a moment then a look of recognition passed over her features. "Oh. Ohhhh."
"What?"
"When Richard left for Paris last summer, he took everything except his mattress. He left that for his super."
"See? Memories again. But you actually let that guy go for Richard?"
Caroline nodded. "I bet you think I've lost my mind or that I'm going crazy. I feel like it right now."
"Yeah, you said that a lot yesterday. But I guess that's understandable if you were dreaming about kissing Frankenstein." Annie quickly changed the subject. "So, how was he?" She asked with a grin.
Caroline looked shocked. "How was Richard?"
"Noooo. How was Steven? Any good in the sack?" Annie was wiggling her eyebrows and laughing. "Just want to be prepared for my date with him."
Caroline was still shocked over seeing Trevor-Steven. "Why don't I remember meeting him?"
"Because you were busy worrying about Richard again. You thought he was depressed. Isn't that like worrying about the humidity every summer? You know it's there, you just tolerate it as a natural fact of life." Annie was becoming a little impatient with Caroline. She was just curious to hear about the rest of Caroline's hallucination. "So tell me the rest..."
Caroline laid her head on the table, groaning. "Do I have to?"
"Yes, this is really entertaining. Please, Caroline. I have to live vicariously through you."
"Well, speaking of dates, I dreamt you went to a banquet with your drycleaner because you were depressed about being fired from Cats. He was this really geeky guy, not your type at all. At least you realized you had used him. And you and Del were having a secret affair." She started laughing just at the memory of it.
Annie was not laughing with her. "No, that would be you that went to your awards banquet with Richard the geek, and you were definitely using him. Not that it matters. As far as Del and I," she made a gagging sound. "I think you were remembering Ma and Remo, sneaking around and thinking I didn't know about them."
Caroline had sobered up. Maybe Annie was right. All the insane things she had dreamt about were from her past. Except for dating Richard. That couldn't be, could it? Trevor-Steven laid their plates on the table, watching Caroline warily and keeping a respectable distance from her. Just great. He thought she was crazy too. Annie was flirting with him and he was starting to respond. Only in real life would Annie end up with the guy.
Caroline waited until he left to continue their conversation. "Okay, smarty pants, since you know so much about my life, how about these? I dreamt that I went on a date with Richard and he lied about having dinner reservations at this really great restaurant. Then he got stuck in a vent on my roof but he had drawn me this really romantic subway map. And he and I agreed not to have sex for two months. Explain those." Caroline crossed her arms in front of her, waiting.
Annie shut her eyes, deep in thought. "Okay, wait, wait, it's coming to me. Got it! Lying about the reservations would have been me, when I lied about reservations at Alana's on the day of your wedding shower." She had the grace to look sheepish and apologetic. She was really trying to be more responsible as difficult as it was for her. "As far as the rest, Richard got stuck in your partner's desk, Joe is the one that gave you a romantic map of the land he bought and you and Del were the ones that agreed not to have sex for two weeks for your abstention experiment." She rattled them off quickly then grinned. "See? Memories. Damn, I'm good at this. Give me some more!"
"Annie, this isn't funny. This is my life."
"And I seem to know it better than you. Caroline, relax. You were just hallucinating. You didn't recognize all those things as your life because they were rather twisted. Actually it sounds like fun."
"But it all seemed so real and it wasn't fun." She bit her lower lip, a habit when she was deep in thought. She couldn't help but remember the end of her dream when Richard left her. Six long months and never hearing from him. She could still feel the intenseness of the loss as if it were real. When he had disappeared for three months last summer with never a word from him, it hadn't felt like this. She just remembered being irritated and a little hurt. She certainly did not remember feeling as if her heart had been ripped out.
"The only thing real about it was that you spent most of the time talking about Richard, crying over Richard and being angry with Richard. You must have been bored to death."
Annie was talking while trying to catch Steven's eye across the bar. Caroline sighed. She was used to her friend being so flippant when it came to talking to and about Richard. She wondered if Annie really couldn't stand the guy. It was on the tip of her tongue to ask then decided not to. In the end, it would be her own decision who she wanted in her life, not Annie's.
"Annie, I don't want you to say anything to Richard or anybody else about this weekend. Let's just keep it our little secret. It's just a little too embarrassing."
"Our little secret?" Annie repeated after her. "But this is too good. It just begs to be told to someone. Do you know how often this could happen to you? Never!"
"No, Annie. I mean it. If you say anything to anyone, especially Richard, I will never speak to you again."
"Come on, Caroline. I know you don't mean that." Annie looked at her friend's serious face. "Okay, I guess you do. I promise. Happy?"
Caroline nodded. Annie continued. "Um, speaking of secrets, I have this little hypothetical problem and I need your advice. I have this friend, well, kind of a friend, more like an acquaintance, I guess. Anywho, this person asked me to keep a secret from another friend, a really good friend because the first friend thought it would hurt the other friend to know about this secret. Should I?" Annie was looking so serious that Caroline was amazed.
"Annie, if you said what I think you said, I would respect the first friend and not tell the second friend about the secret. You're trying to be more responsible, remember?"
Annie looked frustrated. "I knew you would say that. Why do I even bother? Who needs responsibility, anyway? It's not nearly as much fun."
"Annie..."
"Yeah, yeah, okay. Both secrets are safe with me. But don't ask me to keep anymore. It's too hard. I might explode or something."
Caroline was looking thoughtful again. Annie noticed that she hadn't eaten much throughout their conversation and now toyed with her salad. Something was on her mind since she wasn't usually this quiet and low-key.
"Annie, do you believe in second chances?"
"I would if I could get that gorgeous guy back over here." Her eyes were following Steven around the room.
Caroline laughed. "No, I mean, what if you could do your life over again. Would you change anything about yourself?"
"I'd come back as a blonde. They have more fun." This last part was uttered just as Steven leaned down close and was apparently having an intimate conversation with a woman with long, blonde cascading locks. Annie looked disgusted. "Men."
"Annie, I was talking about something deeper than that. What if. . .if you were shown that you had really messed up certain parts of your life. That you hadn't realized that you had feelings for certain people because you were too blind," now Caroline was stumbling over her words, "and...and you might lose that person if you don't do something about it. If you were given a chance to do your life over again, would you make different choices?" her voice wandered off.
"No. But I get the feeling you would. What is so wrong with your life? It's perfect. You're famous, have a great career and a great loft, you make lots of money. You could have any guy you wanted if you just weren't so picky."
"I know. It's just..." Caroline hesitated. "There are things I would change. Things like...Richard."
"Caroline, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you can't change Richard. He's pretty hopeless."
Caroline took a deep breath. "I don't mean 'change him.' I meant that I want to change the way I treat Richard. It's just that I think I may have been blind about him. I think I have..." she hesitated again. Why was this so difficult for her? Other women had no problem saying it. "You know, feelings, for him."
"Ahhh, feelings." Annie raised an eyebrow. She had figured out long ago how difficult it was for Caroline to admit to even herself that she could have deeper feelings. She had to maintain careful control over her emotions. "Caroline, you really don't like using four lettered words, do you?" At Caroline's look of confusion, Annie continued, "L-o-v-e. Love. That's the hardest word for you to say."
Caroline became indignant. "No, it isn't. I can say it. I just don't abuse the word like some people do." Her inference was clear. Annie ignored it.
"Did you ever say it to Del?"
"Of course, I---did. I'm sure I must have. I would have...." Caroline hesitated, trying to recall.
"Hon, if you have to think that hard to remember, you probably didn't. Maybe the reason is because you didn't really love Del and your subconscious knew it even if you couldn't admit it." Annie looked smug.
"Annie, are you reading another one of those self-help books on relationships again?"
"Yes, but that's not the point." Annie leaned back in her chair and smiled at her. "So, Ritchie, huh?"
Caroline smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, who knew? Especially not me." She started nibbling on her lower lip.
"Well, Ma knew and I refuse to tell her she was right."
"But why didn't I see it before? Why did I have to become a druggie to discover my feelings about him?" The second the words were out of her mouth, Caroline realized the stupidity of her question.
Annie started laughing, so hard that her eyes started tearing up. "Wow, I could go in so many directions with that one. You don't really want me to answer that, do you?" Caroline just shook her head.
"It would be easier if I knew how he felt about me. You once told me he had a crush on me. But that was a long time ago. I wish I had some kind of proof without actually coming out and asking him." She idly noticed that Annie didn't look directly at her but instead swiveled her eyes off to the side and clamped her lips together.
"I just don't want to ruin our friendship or scare him away," she continued. "I just have to figure out what to do next. We haven't even been out on a real date. Maybe I'll change my mind. I'll just have to think about it and talk to him when I feel the time is right." She could feel herself backpedaling. Maybe those feelings of hers had just been in her mind after all.
"So you'll analyze it, scrutinize it, bisect it and then put it under a microscope. My god, Caroline, we'll both be on social security by then. Haven't you learned to just go with the flow and trust your instincts?"
"No but you'll be glad to hear that my alter ego in my dreams made snap decisions to give away her egg and ask Trevor, I mean, Steven, to move in with her. I had even decided to marry some guy named Randy. I remember that he was a funny, nice, happy kind of guy from Peshtigo. I guess I must have thought he was a good match."
"So you fell for the male version of you? Like looking in a mirror. Just a little boring."
Caroline nodded her head in agreement. "Then Richard came back into my life and I remember feeling that I only wanted him." She could feel herself blushing in embarrassment again. She desperately wanted to change the subject.
"So, that explains Trevor, Richard and Randy. Who was Stefano?"
Caroline smiled gently. "I dreamt that Richard had a son, from Julia of course, named Stefano. He loved him, took care of him, bonded with him. Where did I get that from?"
"Haven't the faintest idea. It's an Italian name, that's all I know."
Caroline had a sudden intake of breath. "Stefano...DeStefano. Joe DeStefano." She looked triumphant.
Annie blinked twice. "Young doctor Joe? In your mind he became a baby?"
Caroline nodded. "I remember now that he kept trying to bond with Richard who, of course, wanted nothing to do with him." They looked at each other and started giggling.
As the two of them left the bar, they passed a man walking his pit bull. Caroline backed away from him, warily watching the dog, remembering distinctly that day in upstate New York when that wild one-eared pit bull chased she and Richard across his property. She still remembered the fear as she turned around, saw it close on Richard's heels and yelled at him to run. Her thoughts connected. The pit bull. The bulls. Richard running for his life. Her mind had exaggerated one dog into numerous charging bulls. She stood perfectly still on the sidewalk, smiling and shaking her head. Her mind was a scary place.
It was a few minutes before Caroline realized that Annie had been saying her name. She shook her head to clear it and looked at Annie.
"Caroline, are you sure you're okay? You keep zoning out on me."
Caroline smiled at her. "Annie, thank you for bringing me home safe and in one piece. It must have been hell for you."
"What are friends for? You would've done the same for me. I'm just sorry about not making it to the show. I really tried. Hey, why don't we go home? You look like you could use some more sleep."
Caroline nodded in agreement. "I want to make one stop on the way."
As they walked down the street, Annie couldn't resist saying, "Don't you see the incredible irony in this? You've been spending years looking for Mr. Perfect and you end up being crazy about ol'Ritchie."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It was a normal Monday morning. Except this day she was nervous just thinking about Richard. She'd always thought of him as her friend and nothing else. Funny how one long intense hallucination of being intimate with him changed him from 'just Richard' into a sexual person.
She must have tried on half a dozen outfits, discarding each one in turn onto a large pile on the bedroom floor. She was finally happy with an outfit that was dressier than she usually wore to work. Since she worked at home, she'd allowed herself to become pretty sloppy lately. It had never mattered before. Now she checked carefully to make sure her makeup was perfect and her favorite perfume had been applied.
She stared back at her reflection in the mirror. She was suddenly reminded of that time in her childhood when her grandma Duffy had read to her from books of fantasy by Lewis Carroll. Every night for weeks after that, Caroline would reach out her palm to touch her own mirror wondering if there really was a reverse world on the other side of the glass. Or maybe there really was such a rabbit hole that led down into a twisted world of seemingly familiar faces. Maybe, she had thought, it was a wonderful world, unlike her boring little existence in tiny Peshtigo.
Well, the mystery was over. She had found that rabbit hole. It had been an exciting place but a painful and confusing one as well. She was glad to be back. She did learn one important lesson from the whole horrible mess. She had a second chance to do it right.
She heard a key in the lock and her front door swing open. She took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Okay, here we go. She tripped lightly down the stairs. Richard trudged in the door, looking at the floor with a dour expression.
"Good morning, Richard. How are you today?" She helped him off with his coat, hanging it on a peg. She could feel her heart racing.
"It's Monday, Caroline. Take a guess." Richard said grumpily. "Neighbors on one side of me were fighting all weekend long and the neighbor on the other side seems to have acquired a drum." He flopped down in his chair on the far side of the partner's desk, rubbing his weary face. He finally took a good look at Caroline.
"I guess I missed the memo on the new dress code." He observed. "Or do we just have some company for breakfast?" He raised his eyes to the second floor.
"No, there's no one up there, Richard. I...I just felt like dressing up today, that's all."
"Just as long as you don't expect me to do the same." He murmured as he was looking down at the day's strips to be colored in. A picture of him all dressed up popped into her mind and then was quickly replaced by the image of him undressed. Feeling her face grow warm, she jumped up to make coffee in the kitchen so she could turn her back to him.
"So, Richard, tell me everything you been doing while I was gone."
"Caroline, you were only gone a weekend. How much could I have done?"
She raised her head from what she was doing. "Wow, it seems more like years." She hesitated just a moment. "Well, I don't know, I guess you could have run off and ...and gotten married or something." She knew her high-pitched laughter sounded a little too hysterical. She just couldn't get over this nervousness around him.
Richard stared at her for a moment, dumbfounded. "Oh, right, Caroline. Did I fail to mention that?" He answered dryly. "I did what I always do the first Saturday of the month. I read the Innuit Review at my favorite restaurant. Luckily, they still let me inside."
Caroline remembered that night she "accidentally" ran into Richard at that French restaurant and what a calamity it had turned out to be. First a fire, then an embarrassing encounter with fellow diners. Richard had not been happy with her. She had kind of hoped he had forgotten about that night. Of course he hadn't. It did remind her of what she wanted to ask him.
"I have an idea, Richard. Why don't we go out for dinner and a movie tonight?" She waited nervously for his answer. She thought she had sounded pretty cool. She carried over both of the cups of coffee to the desk.
"No thanks, Caroline. I have a lot of painting I want to catch up on this week."
"Richard, you have to take some time off. How about Friday night? I'll buy."
"No thanks, Caroline. I'm sure you have plenty of friends you can call to go with you." He was concentrating so hard on the details of the strip he was coloring that he failed to see the disappointment on her face. She sat down slowly, watching his concentration.
Caroline's door opened and Annie sauntered in, still in her bathrobe. "God, do I need coffee right now. Intravenously if possible." She headed for the coffeepot in the kitchen. "Sooo, you two having a deep and meaningful discussion?" She was grinning wickedly.
"Yes, Annie, we were debating the meaning of life." Richard muttered sarcastically.
"Really? I thought you'd be discussing the meaning of feelings." Annie looked smugly between both of them. Richard looked shocked, recovered quickly and then looked back down at his work. At the same moment Caroline turned around to give her silent threatening looks. Neither saw the other one's reaction. Annie loved to cause trouble for the sake of entertainment. It just made her whole day. She casually sauntered out, carrying her cup of coffee and smiling to herself.
Caroline ran out after her and caught up to her in the hall. "You promised me. You said you wouldn't say anything to Richard." Caroline was getting flustered. She thought she could trust Annie.
"Hey, technically I didn't say a word about the weekend. I'll keep your secret even if it kills me. You can trust me."
Caroline was a little mollified. "I hope so. But I still think you're wrong about his feelings for me. I don't see anything in Richard that says he likes me. He hasn't even mentioned the refrigerator full of food. He never asks me anything personal. I don't think he even cares." As she said this last part, she felt incredibly sad.
Annie was getting concerned but had no time to encourage her friend. "Cheer up, Caroline. Maybe you should just flirt with him. Anyway, I've got to get ready for a breakfast date. See you later."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Caroline was frustrated. She would be the first to admit that she usually got what she wanted. In the way of men, that is. She had never been without a guy, even in grade school. Annie was right. She could be with someone right now if only she wasn't so picky. But why shouldn't she be? Even someone who wasn't choosey could figure out that the guys she had dated were too boring, self-involved, already married or, thinking back on Joe, way too young. Was she being picky or was she looking for something else? Anyway, she was frustrated. Unlike all the other guys, Richard was not jumping at the idea of a date with her. Of course, she didn't call it a 'date.' She casually mentioned going to dinner and a movie. Surely that could be construed as just recreation between friends. She was moving slow all right, at a snail's pace. Unfortunately, Richard wouldn't cooperate.
All week she had casually hinted at it. Even to the point of bringing out a newspaper and mentioning the local movies being run or some new restaurant that just opened its doors. But she got no cooperation from him. Since she was his employer, she had to word it carefully. She certainly wouldn't want him to think he was obligated in any way. Or worse, be accused of sexual harassment. She only wanted him to think of her as an equal. That's how she now thought of him. Flirting, as Annie had suggested, was definitely out of the question. Not that she didn't give it some thought or even daydream about where it could lead. So she was frustrated. Nothing had ever equaled this annoyance of finally discovering deep emotions about a certain someone and not being able to do anything about it. The old saying 'so close but yet so far away' had never been more true.
She spun around in her chair in time to watch Salty pawing at the fish swimming in the fish tank. That was exactly the way she felt. She just couldn't reach what she wanted. A picture of Richard frantically doing the breaststroke around the inside of the fish tank as she attempted to catch him popped into her mind. She laughed out loud and then jumped when Richard spoke. She had momentarily forgotten where she was.
"Care to share? I could use a laugh today." Richard had removed his glasses and was rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"Uh, Salty. I was laughing at Salty trying to catch the fish." She smiled at him. He looked so adorable and somehow vulnerable without his glasses. Her breath caught in her chest. He never noticed.
"Salty again, Caroline? You really need to get out of here occasionally." He leaned back in his chair to stretch his back. She watched him out of the corner of her eyes so she wouldn't appear obvious.
"No kidding." She muttered under her breath. Aloud she said, "Something like dinner and a movie is exactly what I need."
"Well, Caroline, why don't you just treat yourself and go out? Surely you can go out on your own by now."
"Nope. I'm just going to make my own dinner and then read a book, a really good book. In case you want to know, it's the new John Gresham book. So there." Caroline walked into the kitchen and busied herself with chicken and a sauté pan. She would prove to him how self-sufficient she was. It wasn't long before she had a plume of smoke wafting through the loft.
Richard finished the last of the day's work and sat back watching her move around in the kitchen. Something was different about her. It wasn't a physical thing. She looked exactly the same. If he had to put a finger on it, he would say it was more of an inner awareness thing. Maybe he was imagining it, but it seemed as if she was more conscious of her surroundings and self-conscious around him. Which was absolutely ridiculous. She was still his boss, still that silly woman with a cat, still the one that kept interfering in his life. He knew they were friends because she kept informing him of the fact. There was no reason why she should be suddenly different but she was.
So why the refrigerator full of food Monday morning or the raise in his paycheck this week? She had definitely been more subdued than usual, even intense. In a strange way, he almost missed her hyperactivity. Now she was trying to cook. Emphasis on the word 'trying.' His nose wrinkled at the smell. He just had to see what she was ruining.
"Caroline, what are you doing?"
"I'm sautéing some chicken. Why?"
He walked into the kitchen and stood next to her, noticing how she jumped nervously. "Sautéing? You're cremating it. Here, let me." He impatiently took the fork out of her hand and turned the flame down. He worked for a few minutes, conscious of her standing there and watching him. Now he was getting nervous.
"Wow, Richard, I didn't know you knew how to cook." She was honestly amazed.
"How else could I have survived my childhood? I had to eat. I learned cooking mostly by trial and error and sometimes from my grandmother."
"Your mom never cooked?" She was leaning against the stovetop watching him and completely engrossed in their conversation.
"No. It would have cut into her drinking time." He deftly turned the chicken breasts over, seasoning them with a combination of anything he could find in the cupboards. He started another pan with flour, wine and more spices.
"These will be ready soon. If you're making anything else, you better hurry."
Caroline pulled out her rice cooker and got to work. The smells of chicken, garlic and curry pervaded the place. Richard noticed how Caroline became more animated than she had been all week. Her eyes were sparkling and the pink color on her cheeks just added to her beauty. He figured it was probably time to escape. That was usually the safest thing for him to do whenever he felt he was losing control. The choice was that or a sarcastic remark. Since he couldn't think of anything to say, he walked over to the coat rack and picked up his brown coat.
"Richard, don't leave after helping me with all this. I can't possibly eat it all. Please stay and have dinner with me." She was staring at him from the middle of her kitchen, wearing that silly Caroline in the City apron. The smells were intoxicating. He could feel his stomach rumbling in protest. He stood there in indecision.
In life, one small, seemingly innocent choice can lead to another and then another, until one looks back and doesn't recognize the path one has traveled until it's too late to turn back. Richard knew this, which is why all his decisions were carefully thought out. This was just his way to keep some kind of control against the chaos of his life, his way of insulating himself against the world. Thinking back on that night later, if he had to pinpoint one precise moment where one decision changed the path of his carefully structured life, this is where he would have to lay the blame. This is where he made his first mistake.
TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER THREE---LET THE GAMES BEGIN