Geography is Destiny Chapter 1: Christmas Vacation, a dawson's creek fanfic

Dislaimer: They're not mine. Don't sue me.

A/N: This fic takes place as an alternate to Season 5. This is my first fan fic, ever! Please, feedback is needed complimentary or constructive, I'll take whatever I can get!

I've got a funny feeling
The moment that your lips touched mine
Something shot right through me
My heart skipped a beat in time
There's a different feel about you tonight
It's got me thinking lots of crazy things
I think I even saw a flash of light
It felt like electricity

You shouldn't kiss me like this unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes and I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor spinning around
And around and around and around
They're all watching us now they think we're falling in love
They'd never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again

Everybody swears we'd make a perfect pair
But dancing is as far as it goes
Girl you've never moved me quite the way you moved me tonight
I just wanted you to know
I just wanted you to know

'You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This' -- Toby Keith

"Okay, go. Get the hell out of here. Walk across that lawn. Have a great life. And don't ever call me again."

"What, so I can confirm your worst fears about men?"

"Yes, exactly. Oh, wait, I forgot, we never slept together."

"You got five minutes?"

"For you? Always. ... We're all done here."

"Doomed to be friends forever."

"Sucks, doesn't it?"

Chapter One

December 22, 2001

"Okay machine, who's it gonna be? Me or you? I'm turning in this paper today if I have to bring this laptop to my professor and she has to grade it from the screen, so you might as well communicate with your printer and save us all a lot of hassle."

A young man carrying a backpack stepped into the open doorway of a dorm room.

"Yo, D. You coming to class or what? I wanted to stop at the cafe and pick up some coffee on the way. Wanna come with?"

"No thanks Rob. I'll meet you there. If you see me carrying my computer, you know I've been beaten." Dawson looked up from his desk and gestured to the laptop with a sneer.

"That bad, hunh? Well, I'm gonna get moving, I'll catch up with you after class."

"Cool."

The printer chose that moment to spit out a sheet of paper.

"Oh, thank God. Now print you piece of crap. I've only got 15 minutes before class," Dawson spoke out loud as he quickly gathered together books and threw on a jacket.

It was the end of the semester, and Dawson only had a couple more final tests and papers to turn in, before packing up and heading home. Christmas vacation. Friends, family... Joey.

"Joey! God it's good to hear your voice, but this is the worst possible moment. I'm still printing a paper that's due in," Dawson looked down at his watch and swore under his breath, "10 minutes. I swear I'll call you back as soon as I get a chance.

"You're what? At home already! That's not fair... Um, actually I'm not flying into Boston, I'm going to New York, Jen's gonna pick me up... Yeah, I'll be up for the holidays. Tell you what, I'll call as soon as I can to let you know what's going on, but I have got to go... Yeah, I need to talk to you too, it's been too long.... See you soon."

***

"Yeah Jen, I'm packing right now... She said that we needed to talk... Yes, I remember what happened before I left for school. I hope that's not what our 'talk' will be about.... You're probably right," Dawson switched the phone from one ear to the other as he continued to gather things up for his trip home. "I just don't want to get into it. I've only got a a short time at home and I don't want to spend it analyzing. I'm gonna have to do enough of that to get this J-term project done.... I can't wait to see you either. You've been a tremendous help city-fying me," he joked. "No seriously, you've been great. I'll see you tomorrow at LaGuardia, gate 12g, 11:17am eastern standard time... Yes I know how to add 3 hours... Yup, you too.... Bye."

As he gathered up his belongings Rob stuck his head back in the door.

"You heading out already?"

"No, not 'til painfully early tomorrow morning. Why?"

"Well, me, Janice, Brad and Amanda are headed down to get some lunch. Coming?"

"Yeah sure, just let me get my wallet"

***

December 23, 2001

"Jen! Over here! Hey, Jen," Dawson called as he hurried over to where Jen was standing. "Hey there, it's great to see you." He dropped his carryon so he could bend down to wrap his arms around her and raise her off the floor.

"Dawson... Can't breathe... Let go..." Jen squeaked out.

"Oh Jen, I'm so sorry. It's just so good to see you. I've got some great friends in LA," he paused and looked at her softly, "there's just something to be said about old friends. I guess I didn't really realize how much I've missed you."

"I've missed you too. Too many cynics at NYU," she smiled and brushed his hair back from his forehead. "Let's get your luggage and a cab back to my place. Jack's already gone to Italy, lucky bastard. So you're stuck with me," Jen said with an exaggerated roll of her eyes.

They walked down the concourse to gather baggage smiling and laughing. Once loaded down with Dawson's luggage and equipment, they headed out the door to a sea of cabs. Jen went over and knocked on the trunk of one, to which the cabbie answered by popping the trunk. Dawson placed his baggage inside, and went to sit next to Jen in the back. She gave her address and turned to Dawson as they began to move.

"You know...." They both started at the same time and then laughed.

"You first, Jen"

"Dawson, I just wanted to say that I appreciate you staying with me over break. With Jack gone and me needing to work over break, I was looking forward to microwave meals and movie fests."

"Jen, you're the one helping me here. I'm not sure about the microwave meals, but movie fests we'll definitely have, both behind the camera and in front the TV," he winked at her. "Thanks again for your help with my project."

"Don't thank me until after you've spent a couple weeks in my presence.... Oh, here we are!"

Jen handed the cabbie some cash, and was out on the sidewalk like a shot. She and Dawson gathered together his luggage and trudged up the stairs of a brownstone that was probably lovely in it's day, but looked a little questionable now. She quickly unlocked the outside door and held it open 'til he could get all the bags in the little lobby.

"Mine's on the 3rd floor, and no elevator... Ha, ha," she laughed musically.

"Great, I have mentioned that I've been on my ass in a classroom for the better part of 4 months, right?"

Jen circled behind him. "Ass looks like it's none the worse for wear. Work it up those stairs boy. Double time, we need to head out to Capeside ASAP!" Jen laughed as Dawson gathered up as much as he could and started to run up the stairs with enthusiasm.

***

"Thanks for the ride, Jen. I'm gonna get some rest and catch up with my family. Tomorrow I've got to tend to that 'talk', but don't forget about the Christmas party tomorrow night."

"Count me in," Jen turned to Dawson and gave him a reassuring smile. "You know how to reach me if you need to talk."

"Of course, and I'll probably take you up on that offer before to long. Say 'hi' to Grams for me, will you?"

"Absolutely. Catch ya later, Dawson."

***

December 24, 2001

As Dawson pulled into Joey's driveway, he pulled his coat tighter around his body. Closing his eyes, he took one deep breath and let it out slowly. He made his way to the front door of the B&B with long strides, wondering what he would say, but as soon as Joey stepped out the door his concerns were forgotten. Joey practically threw herself into Dawson's arms, where he held on tight for what seemed like an hour, but was probably closer to 20 seconds. Still, it was a little long for greeting a best friend home on break. He let go and found her hands with his own. They looked at each other quietly, knowing that this communication was more than speech could provide.

"So."

"So?"

"How have you been Joey? How's Boston? How's Pacey?" Dawson asked about Pacey in a quite tone that spoke of both concern and skepticism.

Dawson knew that Pacey had returned to Capeside shortly before the fall semester began. Joey had called him crying, wondering what she should do about his return. What she should feel. It was then that he realized just how much Joey had loved Pacey, maybe still loved him. It wasn't when she sailed away the summer before senior year, or when she chose to sleep with him, or even after the prom when Dawson could see her heart breaking before his eyes, could feel her pain. It was the fact that Pacey's return caused such a complete crack in the facade that she had been living behind since graduation.

"Pacey's good, I think. I don't talk to him that often," Joey spoke quietly, not able to meet Dawson's eyes. "He's still working at the Boston marina fixing boats and sometimes filling in for a captain of one of the tour boats. He seems happy."

"How about you, Joey, are you happy?"

"I'm good. School has been great, but that doesn't mean I wasn't looking forward to vacation," she gave him her trademark grin. "I've missed you," she spoke, almost too quietly to hear.

"I've missed you too, there's no one who could fill the part of me that you do."

"Thanks Dawson. I really have missed you," she said again, at a loss for something else to say. Again they spoke through their eyes.

Both realized abruptly that they were holding hands. They stepped back and smiled at each other with embarrassment.

"So, Dawson, how're things with you?"

"Good. Very good. I'm enjoying classes, and have made some great friends. Jen's been working with me on my city-fication. I really wasn't ready. Surprise, surprise," he rolled his eyes and smiled. "Actually, I meant to tell you..." He trailed off, uncertain how to bring up the topic of his short stay in Capeside.

"What?" Concern creased Joey's brow.

"Ummm, well, classes are good, but all gen-ed's. We don't get a real film class till at least Sophomore year. My advisor told me that I should expect a 5-year degree, depending on class availability, especially since the Seniors and Juniors get first pick."

"And you meant to tell me this because...."

"Well, because I was lucky enough to get a J-term film class. It's 3 weeks, by internet."

"That's great Dawson!" Here eyes light up with the idea of Dawson staying in Capeside, rather than having to go back to LA. "You can stay here, maybe I can even help!"

"Well, you're right in assuming that I'm not going back to LA till the end of January, but that doesn't mean I'm staying in Capeside."

"What?" Her face fell in disappointment.

"I've decided, after talking to my instructor, that I'm going to make my short in New York. Jen's gonna put be up for the duration. My professor, Dr. Cameron, felt that I needed more experience with the urban element. So..."

"So you're leaving... Again... And I can't ask you to stay this time, either."

Dawson nodded gently and touched her cheek with one cold hand.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, maybe you could come down and visit with us." Dawson smiled at her with hope in his eyes.

"We'll see Dawson, for the time being I should get back inside, guests are coming tonight."

"Tonight! But that's my parents' Christmas party!!!"

"I realize that, Dawson. And I'll try my best to come by. I'm sure we'll get a chance to spend some time together before you leave."

"Well..."

"Well, I'll catch ya later." She stepped forward for another hug, this one a little shorter, a little stiffer.

"Yeah, please try to make it tonight..."

***

"So, we didn't really talk about anything. Actually, once we started talking, it got pretty uncomfortable."

"What? I thought that she wanted to 'talk'? What happened?"

"Jen, you know how uncomfortable things have been between me and Joey since Pacey came back. I'm sure that's what she was hoping to deal with, but I'm not sure how."

Dawson stood up from his perch on Jen's bed and started looking through the CD's she brought home with her. More for a distraction than for the music.

"So deal with it." Jen looked over at Dawson and sighed. "You guys can't keep avoiding the issue."

"That's just it, we aren't avoiding the issue, we're avoiding each other." He turned and held his hands out to emphasize the statement.

"Geeze Dawson. I just don't get it. Is it Pacey?"

Dawson dropped back on the bed, sitting at the foot while Jen was leaning against the headboard.

"It shouldn't be. I mean, they aren't even together. She said that she really doesn't see much of him."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"I guess."

She looked up from the magazine she had been leafing through, and simply looked at him for a moment.

"Do you still love her? I mean I know you love her, but do you love her?"

"I thought I did." He turned his head from it's glassy stare at the wall to look at Jen,

"Did? As in past tense? What changed?"

"It's hard to say." Dawson avoided looking at her, unwilling to share his feelings.

"Hard to say as in 'can't put my finger on it' or as in 'I know but I don't want to share'?"

"You know me too well. You probably have a good idea of what happened."

"Well, if you know I know then why not tell me?" She smiled sweetly at him.

"Perhaps you are right."

He turned to face her directly and closed his eyes for a couple seconds. She waited, not speaking, knowing that he would need to organize his thoughts. She could almost see him arranging a narrative in his mind. And the questions... Begin at the beginning, or start at the now and work backwards? Perhaps approach it from third person to add distance. In the end he realized that simple and direct would be enough for Jen. Good enough for himself.

"I'm scared."

The obvious confusion on Dawson's face cut right to Jen's heart. She just looked at him, knowing that he needed no prompting.

"I've spent so much of my life loving Joey. I'd convinced myself that she was the only woman I'd ever really love. I mean, even when Gretchen and I were together, I still hadn't completely convinced myself that I was over Joey. So, what does it mean if I don't love her anymore?"

Dawson had always had a streak of melodrama to him, so Jen knew that the answer to his question demanded much more than 'that you don't love her anymore'.

"Dawson, it means that you are letting go of a dream that you had for a long time. In a way, you're letting go of your childhood too. Change is scary, and this kind of change is monumental."

"I pinned so much of myself on that dream, and now I have to wonder when I stopped loving her. It's making me hate myself, like I've betrayed her somehow. Especially now, it seems that she needs me so much, and she's confused about why and how she needs me. I've managed to screw up our friendship yet again, just by kissing her good-bye. I don't know how to tell her that I don't love her like that anymore."

"Just tell her. I know that it'll be hard, but it would be better to tell her. You don't know, maybe the reason why she's been so distant is that she's under the impression that you do love her like that, and that you want more than friendship. If you close that particular door to her, then her life may become simpler. It will hurt, for both of you."

"You're right, I know you're right. But once again I'll confuse her and then leave. It's not on purpose, but it must feel that way to her. I'll wait 'til after Christmas though, I couldn't stand it before hand." Dawson sighed and ran his hands through his hair. When he focused back on Jen, she reached to him and placed a hand on his knee. He covered her hand with his own, noting how small and delicate she seemed to be at that moment.

"Thanks Jen," he said quietly. "You've always been so understanding. I can't tell you how much your friendship means to me."

Jen turned her hand over under Dawson's until their hands were palm to palm. She squeezed softly. She was surprised when she felt a tug on her heart.

"Your friendship means so much to me. You were my first friend in Capeside. I hope that we never lose that." She squeezed his hand again before letting go.

"Okay, this is getting way to deep. You want to get something to eat? Or maybe I should come over and help your family get ready for tonight?"

Dawson stood up abruptly.

"Actually, you just reminded me that I have to head to the restaurant and pick up some stuff for the party. I'll see you there. Thanks again."

"Great, I guess that I'll..."

But Dawson was already gone.

"See you tonight," she finished sarcastically.

***

"I'm really glad that you were able to get away from the B & B tonight. We don't get a chance to spend time together often enough." Dawson smiled, uncomfortably, at Joey.

They walked across the room toward the Christmas tree.

"I wanted to see you and your family. And make sure that Lily got this present. It's from me and Bessie."

"Jo, you didn't have to do that."

"I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to." She smiled, telling herself to relax.

After an uncomfortable silence, both Joey and Dawson looked across the room to see Mitch and Gail kissing while Gail had Lily in her arms.

"Oh my God, Dawson. She's gotten so big!" Joey's eyes light up with happiness as she walked over to join them and say hello to Lily. Dawson followed at a small distance, giving Joey a minute to greet his baby sister.

"She's so beautiful, Mrs. Leery. Can I hold her?"

"Of course you can, dear." Mrs. Leery smiled at Joey, then looked down to Lily. "You be good for your aunt Joey, okay?" Joey could feel a lump in her throat as Gail passed the precious bundle to her.

"Hi Lily. It's been so long since I saw you last. You've grown, and become even more beautiful." Joey was in awe of the little girl, barely noticing when Dawson stepped forward to join her.

"Isn't she though? Every time I see her I love her more, and it makes it that much harder to leave again. I don't want to miss a thing, but I suppose that's life." He reached over to the baby and held onto her little hand. Immediately Lily curled her fingers around one of Dawson's.

"Hey guys, say cheese," Gail said as she took a picture. "You two have to kiss now." She smiled, like only a mother can.

"What?" Joey and Dawson gasped in unison.

"Geeze, you are under the mistletoe." Mitch put in.

"Oh, well, I guess we should." Dawson smiled weakly at Joey.

"Sure, I mean, it's not like we haven't kissed before."

"Right, well..."

"Well?"

Dawson and Joey leaned toward each other slowly and kissed. Nothing more than a brush of his lips against hers. They leaned back again, enough to look into each other's eyes and chuckled quietly.

"I guess that answers that question."

Dawson let out a breath he had been holding and smiled brightly, blushing slightly.

"I guess it does. Thanks again for coming Joey. I'm going to mingle a little, be good to my baby sister and make sure you find me before you leave."