Destitute of Love
By Cassandra S. Terra
I don't own the Gundam Wing Characters, though I wish I did. I'm just getting my little kicks out of them. This story came from a dream I had, and yes I am very aware that I have pretty crazy dreams. Warning: This is a tear jerker!! Go grab the tissues before you read this. I am working on an epilogue, due to the request of a friend, to make it have a happy ending. I'm trying. But I kinda think it just ends better without one. I'll see what people think. If you want a happy ending, tell me so and leave a review.
Rated R for violence and implied 1x2 slash
Duo stood in the mall with the wrapped book in his hands. He watched people walk around him in a small wonder. Their lives were simple, their lives were happy. They had no pain in their eyes. He stared down at the book in his hands, a small present to himself. With books he could escape his life, he could escape from Heero.
Nothing had changed after the war. No matter what he did, Heero remained the same: Controlling, heartless, and cold. That didn't stop Duo from loving him. No matter what Heero did to him, and Duo was starting to wonder why.
Why did he stay after the fights, the hits and the slaps in the face? Sex was only when Heero wanted it, and wasn't Duo just there for his pleasure? Why did he stay? Why did he love him at all? What kept him there, day after day, week after week? It had been years now and still nothing had changed.
But Duo knew he had to change, or else he would waste away. This life he was living was killing him and he was only drowning in his own sorrow.
Leaving would be hard because he didn't know how Heero would take it. Okay so maybe he was only kidding himself, Heero would be pissed. Would he even let him go?
Duo was afraid to find out, but then he realized he didn't care. So what if Heero hurt him again? One more punch and then it was through. He'd go home, grab his stuff and flee before Heero could stop him, right?
If only it was that simple.
He had to think fast, Heero would start to miss him. He had gone into the electronic store to get a few things and soon expected Duo to join him so they could go home. Duo looked towards the door that led outside. A light rain had started to fall. He walked towards them, not really knowing what he was doing. Just walk outside get into the car….and what? Drive away? Wait for Heero to come back? It would only delay the inevitable. He had to get this over sooner or later.
First he would dump off the book and then he would go back. At the entrance someone tapped him on the shoulder. Dup whirled around, the terror in his eyes and heart. Shit, he thought, Heero caught me going out.
"Hey, Duo, it's okay, it only me, John. Remember me, John? From work?"
"Ah, yeah, hi John. You just startled me, that's all," Duo said shakily. "I've—,"
But John cut him off, "I'm glad I ran into you. I've been meaning to talk to you, but you haven't been around that much. Are you okay? You didn't seem so good last week. Are you sick? Having you been sleeping? I—,"
"I'm fine John. Look I really have to get going."
"Can't you wait just one more minute? I'm only asking you this because we're friends and I care about you. Is what's him name treating you bad?" He didn't miss the flash of shock that went through Duo's eyes. "Oh, so that's it. What is he doing to you?"
"Look, "Duo said quickly, "I'd rather not talk about that. I'm fine. Nothing is wrong."
"Duo, something is wrong. You look this shit buddy. You try and hide those bruises, but I can still tell that they are there. He's hurting you and you don't have to take it."
"Really?" Duo said, getting annoyed and anxious. "Well, fine believe whatever you want. I have to go." With that he turned around and ran outside.
The rain was pouring now and Duo was almost instantly soaked. He held the book to his chest in a futile attempt to keep it dry. He looked around the parking lot and could not find the car.
Dammit! Where was it? He finally gave up and headed back inside. He climbed up the steps to the upper level to where the electronic store was. Heero was standing outside it waiting for him. Their eyes met and for a brief second Duo could almost imagine that he saw something flicker inside of those cobalt blue eyes.
It happened every time Duo saw him. The beauty of him took Duo's breath away. That was his undoing and maybe Heero knew this.
Heero came up to him, looked him over, and gave Duo this disapproving look. "You went outside in the rain? Now you'll get the car seat all wet."
"Heero," Duo and to get this out before he lost his nerve, "I'm leaving you."
Heero just stared at him. "Say that again?" he said quietly.
"Heero, I'm going to leave you. I won't take your abuse anymore. You don't love me, and you never had. I don't care if you beat me, that won't get me to stay anymore. This is it, it's over."
"Hn." Heero made it sound like an after thought, like "oh really?" He set his bag down of the floor. "Is that all?"
"Well, yeah."
"Very well."
Duo was caught completely off guard when the punch came. Heero didn't hold back anything. It caught him right in the jaw and Duo was slammed to the floor with enough force to knock the wind out of him, not to mention to knock him unconscious.
When Duo awoke he had no idea where he was. His head throbbed, dulled by pain—killers. His vision was blurred but that slowly came back into focus.
A hospital.
Duo groaned and tried to sit up but was stopped by the splitting pain in his head.
"Okay, bad idea."
"Hey, don't move, you'll only make it hurt worse," came a female voice from his left.
"I could have told you that," Duo said. "What happened?"
"Well, the best I can understand is that someone hit you so hard that, well, surprisingly enough it didn't break anything, but you do have a nasty concussion. There is a police officer wanting to talk to you about the whole incident. Do you feel you can talk to him?"
"Yeah, sure." Duo gingerly propped himself up on the bed.
"Mr. Maxwell? I'm Sergeant Gage. I have a few questions about your assault. The man in question is a Mr. Heero Yuy. Witnesses say he left after he hit you and we have been unable to find him. What is your relationship with Mr. Huy?"
"We're, ah, we were, um, he was my boyfriend."
"Okay…do you have any idea where he might me at this time? We checked your house and your housemates hadn't seen him since yesterday."
"I don't know."
"Well we need to find him to arrest him for assault."
"I don't want to press any charges."
"Mr. Maxwell I strongly encourage you to do so. He could come back….you might end up with more then just being bruised and having a concussion."
"I am fully a where of what that means, I don't want to press any charges against him."
"Okay, and what caused him to hit you?"
"I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. That our relationship was over. I guess he didn't take it very well, heh." Duo shifted his position to get more comfortable.
"I see….and why would you want to end this relationship?"
"Isn't this getting a bit to personal? Look, officer, all I want to do is go home."
"And what if Mr. Yuy is there waiting for you? Could you defend yourself against him with a concussion?"
Duo didn't reply.
"Okay, Mr. Maxwell. We'll have a squad car drive around your house a few time tonight and tomorrow. If you see him or if he contacts you," Sergeant Gage pulled out a card from his coat, "Contact us immediately. It's for your own protection. Thank you for your time."
Sergeant Gage left and Duo didn't move. No, it is for your own protection that I do NOT call you if Heero shows up, Duo thought. They just didn't understand. No one did.
The nurse came back in, mumbled on and on about how he would have to stay the night for observations and he should get someone to come pick him up in the morning.
"Oh, I almost forgot, you have a few visitors…think you can handle them?" she smiled brightly, the embodiment of perkiness.
"Yeah, bring them in."
In came a sheepish looking John, followed by Quatre and Trowa.
"Hey, guys," Duo managed. "What's up?" He tired to sound happy, like his old self, but even to him that sounded lame and halfhearted.
"Hey, how ya doing?" John said, relief and worry swam across his face.
"Never better, really."
"Duo…" Quatre said. "Don't joke about this. This is serious. You should have come and talked to us about Heero."
"Yeah, sure. And tell you what? He beats me if I don't do what he wants, if I mess up, if I say the wrong things? Ya know it was never love, but pain. Whenever he wanted it there was nothing I could do to stop him…" slow sobs shook his small frame.
Both John and Quatre were at his side, giving him comfort. Trowa looked very awkward.
"Guys, can you just take me home, you just got to get me out of here."
"I'm sure I can find away," Quatre said. "I'll be right back."
Quatre returned 20 minutes later with Duo's release form.
When they got home Quatre refused to leave Duo alone. All Duo wanted was to be alone. He took a shower, but he had to have the door unlocked so incase they heard a large thump and could come and rescue him.
Duo didn't see him room until an hour later. He had spent most of the time in the shower crying.
The room looked bare. Heero had left in a hurry. His trusty old (well new) laptop was gone, most of his clothes, a few odds and ends.
Bastard, Duo thought, I was the one who was supposed to leave, not you. You couldn't even let me have that. Why did I ever love you?
Duo climbed into the bed full of memories, wrapped himself up tight in the blankets and slowly cried himself to sleep.
Duo slept for a whole day, waking only for a short while, but never leaving the bed. Quatre would come in and rouse him just to make sure he was okay. When he finally awoke he stumbled out of bed, downed more pain killers, took a long soothing shower and somehow managed to climb down the without killing himself.
"Hey there sleepy head, want a nice brunch? I've got bacon, eggs, pancakes, toast…coffee, juice, tea, you name it," Quatre rattled off the list from behind the counter. Duo plopped himself at the kitchen table. Thought a bit and said, "Give me everything."
"Duo, are you sure? With the drugs…you might get sick. I don't want to make you worse."
Duo sighed, Quatre was right as usual. "Okay, I'll have eggs, toast, and the strongest coffee you can make.
Quatre quickly came out of the kitchen with the plate and a big mug o' coffee, brewed very dark. Duo ate everything, but slowly, as if it was a huge effort to get the fork to his mouth. He finished his food, stood up and slowly made his way back to his bedroom and shut the door.
Trowa came in a few minutes later, Quatre looked up, hopeful of some new on Heero's whereabouts. He shook his head no, "Where ever he is, he's hidden himself good. He won't show his face until he wants to."
"Which mean we must never leave Duo alone." Quatre sighed. "I wonder what happened."
"I think, Little One, that no one is ever going to know."
Duo dreamed. He dreamed of darkness which had Heero's voice and eyes. Which called his same and promised to love him…sweet, sinful lies. Thick of lust from a broken heart.
Duo dreamed that Heero came back and promised him that he would never hurt him again. Duo dreamed that Heero came back, snuck into their bed, made love to him, and while making love began to kill him. Tearing at his flesh, drawing blood, breaking his bones, and laughing the entire time.
It was this dream that came to him every night. It left him feeling more hollow inside and more fearful outside. After this dream he could never go back to sleep. He stared out the window…wondering….when he would come back. He had to come back, didn't he? And maybe Duo thought after this dream, I would just give in to him and let him kill me. For there is nothing worse then this emptiness. For how can I still love him? Yet I still do. And sometimes…sometimes when we made love I felt that he loved me, just a tiny bit. And that is what kept me going on. That hope that some day it would surface and Heero would turn to me and say "I love you."
Tears fell upon the pillow. Moonlight streamed in from the window. Duo was afraid. But he was tired of being afraid. He just wanted it to be over, what ever it was. If Heero came back and killed him, so be it. He would welcome him with open arms. He reached under the pillow and felt the handle of the gun. They would die together.
He heard a sound, outside. So it was time. He sat up in the darkness. The window open and closed without ever making a sound. Quatre and Trowa were oblivious to anything down the hall.
"Heero?"
"Duo."
"What do you want of me? If it is my life, you can take it. I don't care anymore. My life is nothing anymore. You won."
Heero stepped into the moonlight. His face was a darkly handsome as before. And as every time before, Duo felt his heart ache for his beauty. It was his undoing. It drove him mad.
Heero crawled over to Duo on the bed and sat before him. He was waiting.
"I love you Heero," Duo whispered. His hand had found the gun.
"I know," Heero said, emotionless as always. "I don't know why."
"I don't know why either, but does it really make much difference now?"
"No, I guess not."
"Can I just ask one last thing? I need to know. Why don't you love me?"
Heero paused to think, actually pause to think. "I don't know."
Duo gasped. It seemed impossible.
"I think I am incapable to love." Heero said, as if that explained it all. "And only allowed to hate."
Duo nodded. He reached over and kissed Heero on the lips, "Good—bye Heero." He put the gun to Heero's head.
"Good—bye Duo." Duo felt the cold steel of the gun against his head for one second, then he pulled his trigger and then his world was gone.
The gunshots, needless to say, woke up Quatre and Trowa. They ran down the hall but they already knew what they would find. Slumped together in an almost mock embrace were the bodies of Heero and Duo. The blood was staining the sheets and splattered across the walls of the room.
In the distance, Quatre could hear the sirens ringing, almost as loud as his screams.
By Cassandra S. Terra
I don't own the Gundam Wing Characters, though I wish I did. I'm just getting my little kicks out of them. This story came from a dream I had, and yes I am very aware that I have pretty crazy dreams. Warning: This is a tear jerker!! Go grab the tissues before you read this. I am working on an epilogue, due to the request of a friend, to make it have a happy ending. I'm trying. But I kinda think it just ends better without one. I'll see what people think. If you want a happy ending, tell me so and leave a review.
Rated R for violence and implied 1x2 slash
Duo stood in the mall with the wrapped book in his hands. He watched people walk around him in a small wonder. Their lives were simple, their lives were happy. They had no pain in their eyes. He stared down at the book in his hands, a small present to himself. With books he could escape his life, he could escape from Heero.
Nothing had changed after the war. No matter what he did, Heero remained the same: Controlling, heartless, and cold. That didn't stop Duo from loving him. No matter what Heero did to him, and Duo was starting to wonder why.
Why did he stay after the fights, the hits and the slaps in the face? Sex was only when Heero wanted it, and wasn't Duo just there for his pleasure? Why did he stay? Why did he love him at all? What kept him there, day after day, week after week? It had been years now and still nothing had changed.
But Duo knew he had to change, or else he would waste away. This life he was living was killing him and he was only drowning in his own sorrow.
Leaving would be hard because he didn't know how Heero would take it. Okay so maybe he was only kidding himself, Heero would be pissed. Would he even let him go?
Duo was afraid to find out, but then he realized he didn't care. So what if Heero hurt him again? One more punch and then it was through. He'd go home, grab his stuff and flee before Heero could stop him, right?
If only it was that simple.
He had to think fast, Heero would start to miss him. He had gone into the electronic store to get a few things and soon expected Duo to join him so they could go home. Duo looked towards the door that led outside. A light rain had started to fall. He walked towards them, not really knowing what he was doing. Just walk outside get into the car….and what? Drive away? Wait for Heero to come back? It would only delay the inevitable. He had to get this over sooner or later.
First he would dump off the book and then he would go back. At the entrance someone tapped him on the shoulder. Dup whirled around, the terror in his eyes and heart. Shit, he thought, Heero caught me going out.
"Hey, Duo, it's okay, it only me, John. Remember me, John? From work?"
"Ah, yeah, hi John. You just startled me, that's all," Duo said shakily. "I've—,"
But John cut him off, "I'm glad I ran into you. I've been meaning to talk to you, but you haven't been around that much. Are you okay? You didn't seem so good last week. Are you sick? Having you been sleeping? I—,"
"I'm fine John. Look I really have to get going."
"Can't you wait just one more minute? I'm only asking you this because we're friends and I care about you. Is what's him name treating you bad?" He didn't miss the flash of shock that went through Duo's eyes. "Oh, so that's it. What is he doing to you?"
"Look, "Duo said quickly, "I'd rather not talk about that. I'm fine. Nothing is wrong."
"Duo, something is wrong. You look this shit buddy. You try and hide those bruises, but I can still tell that they are there. He's hurting you and you don't have to take it."
"Really?" Duo said, getting annoyed and anxious. "Well, fine believe whatever you want. I have to go." With that he turned around and ran outside.
The rain was pouring now and Duo was almost instantly soaked. He held the book to his chest in a futile attempt to keep it dry. He looked around the parking lot and could not find the car.
Dammit! Where was it? He finally gave up and headed back inside. He climbed up the steps to the upper level to where the electronic store was. Heero was standing outside it waiting for him. Their eyes met and for a brief second Duo could almost imagine that he saw something flicker inside of those cobalt blue eyes.
It happened every time Duo saw him. The beauty of him took Duo's breath away. That was his undoing and maybe Heero knew this.
Heero came up to him, looked him over, and gave Duo this disapproving look. "You went outside in the rain? Now you'll get the car seat all wet."
"Heero," Duo and to get this out before he lost his nerve, "I'm leaving you."
Heero just stared at him. "Say that again?" he said quietly.
"Heero, I'm going to leave you. I won't take your abuse anymore. You don't love me, and you never had. I don't care if you beat me, that won't get me to stay anymore. This is it, it's over."
"Hn." Heero made it sound like an after thought, like "oh really?" He set his bag down of the floor. "Is that all?"
"Well, yeah."
"Very well."
Duo was caught completely off guard when the punch came. Heero didn't hold back anything. It caught him right in the jaw and Duo was slammed to the floor with enough force to knock the wind out of him, not to mention to knock him unconscious.
When Duo awoke he had no idea where he was. His head throbbed, dulled by pain—killers. His vision was blurred but that slowly came back into focus.
A hospital.
Duo groaned and tried to sit up but was stopped by the splitting pain in his head.
"Okay, bad idea."
"Hey, don't move, you'll only make it hurt worse," came a female voice from his left.
"I could have told you that," Duo said. "What happened?"
"Well, the best I can understand is that someone hit you so hard that, well, surprisingly enough it didn't break anything, but you do have a nasty concussion. There is a police officer wanting to talk to you about the whole incident. Do you feel you can talk to him?"
"Yeah, sure." Duo gingerly propped himself up on the bed.
"Mr. Maxwell? I'm Sergeant Gage. I have a few questions about your assault. The man in question is a Mr. Heero Yuy. Witnesses say he left after he hit you and we have been unable to find him. What is your relationship with Mr. Huy?"
"We're, ah, we were, um, he was my boyfriend."
"Okay…do you have any idea where he might me at this time? We checked your house and your housemates hadn't seen him since yesterday."
"I don't know."
"Well we need to find him to arrest him for assault."
"I don't want to press any charges."
"Mr. Maxwell I strongly encourage you to do so. He could come back….you might end up with more then just being bruised and having a concussion."
"I am fully a where of what that means, I don't want to press any charges against him."
"Okay, and what caused him to hit you?"
"I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. That our relationship was over. I guess he didn't take it very well, heh." Duo shifted his position to get more comfortable.
"I see….and why would you want to end this relationship?"
"Isn't this getting a bit to personal? Look, officer, all I want to do is go home."
"And what if Mr. Yuy is there waiting for you? Could you defend yourself against him with a concussion?"
Duo didn't reply.
"Okay, Mr. Maxwell. We'll have a squad car drive around your house a few time tonight and tomorrow. If you see him or if he contacts you," Sergeant Gage pulled out a card from his coat, "Contact us immediately. It's for your own protection. Thank you for your time."
Sergeant Gage left and Duo didn't move. No, it is for your own protection that I do NOT call you if Heero shows up, Duo thought. They just didn't understand. No one did.
The nurse came back in, mumbled on and on about how he would have to stay the night for observations and he should get someone to come pick him up in the morning.
"Oh, I almost forgot, you have a few visitors…think you can handle them?" she smiled brightly, the embodiment of perkiness.
"Yeah, bring them in."
In came a sheepish looking John, followed by Quatre and Trowa.
"Hey, guys," Duo managed. "What's up?" He tired to sound happy, like his old self, but even to him that sounded lame and halfhearted.
"Hey, how ya doing?" John said, relief and worry swam across his face.
"Never better, really."
"Duo…" Quatre said. "Don't joke about this. This is serious. You should have come and talked to us about Heero."
"Yeah, sure. And tell you what? He beats me if I don't do what he wants, if I mess up, if I say the wrong things? Ya know it was never love, but pain. Whenever he wanted it there was nothing I could do to stop him…" slow sobs shook his small frame.
Both John and Quatre were at his side, giving him comfort. Trowa looked very awkward.
"Guys, can you just take me home, you just got to get me out of here."
"I'm sure I can find away," Quatre said. "I'll be right back."
Quatre returned 20 minutes later with Duo's release form.
When they got home Quatre refused to leave Duo alone. All Duo wanted was to be alone. He took a shower, but he had to have the door unlocked so incase they heard a large thump and could come and rescue him.
Duo didn't see him room until an hour later. He had spent most of the time in the shower crying.
The room looked bare. Heero had left in a hurry. His trusty old (well new) laptop was gone, most of his clothes, a few odds and ends.
Bastard, Duo thought, I was the one who was supposed to leave, not you. You couldn't even let me have that. Why did I ever love you?
Duo climbed into the bed full of memories, wrapped himself up tight in the blankets and slowly cried himself to sleep.
Duo slept for a whole day, waking only for a short while, but never leaving the bed. Quatre would come in and rouse him just to make sure he was okay. When he finally awoke he stumbled out of bed, downed more pain killers, took a long soothing shower and somehow managed to climb down the without killing himself.
"Hey there sleepy head, want a nice brunch? I've got bacon, eggs, pancakes, toast…coffee, juice, tea, you name it," Quatre rattled off the list from behind the counter. Duo plopped himself at the kitchen table. Thought a bit and said, "Give me everything."
"Duo, are you sure? With the drugs…you might get sick. I don't want to make you worse."
Duo sighed, Quatre was right as usual. "Okay, I'll have eggs, toast, and the strongest coffee you can make.
Quatre quickly came out of the kitchen with the plate and a big mug o' coffee, brewed very dark. Duo ate everything, but slowly, as if it was a huge effort to get the fork to his mouth. He finished his food, stood up and slowly made his way back to his bedroom and shut the door.
Trowa came in a few minutes later, Quatre looked up, hopeful of some new on Heero's whereabouts. He shook his head no, "Where ever he is, he's hidden himself good. He won't show his face until he wants to."
"Which mean we must never leave Duo alone." Quatre sighed. "I wonder what happened."
"I think, Little One, that no one is ever going to know."
Duo dreamed. He dreamed of darkness which had Heero's voice and eyes. Which called his same and promised to love him…sweet, sinful lies. Thick of lust from a broken heart.
Duo dreamed that Heero came back and promised him that he would never hurt him again. Duo dreamed that Heero came back, snuck into their bed, made love to him, and while making love began to kill him. Tearing at his flesh, drawing blood, breaking his bones, and laughing the entire time.
It was this dream that came to him every night. It left him feeling more hollow inside and more fearful outside. After this dream he could never go back to sleep. He stared out the window…wondering….when he would come back. He had to come back, didn't he? And maybe Duo thought after this dream, I would just give in to him and let him kill me. For there is nothing worse then this emptiness. For how can I still love him? Yet I still do. And sometimes…sometimes when we made love I felt that he loved me, just a tiny bit. And that is what kept me going on. That hope that some day it would surface and Heero would turn to me and say "I love you."
Tears fell upon the pillow. Moonlight streamed in from the window. Duo was afraid. But he was tired of being afraid. He just wanted it to be over, what ever it was. If Heero came back and killed him, so be it. He would welcome him with open arms. He reached under the pillow and felt the handle of the gun. They would die together.
He heard a sound, outside. So it was time. He sat up in the darkness. The window open and closed without ever making a sound. Quatre and Trowa were oblivious to anything down the hall.
"Heero?"
"Duo."
"What do you want of me? If it is my life, you can take it. I don't care anymore. My life is nothing anymore. You won."
Heero stepped into the moonlight. His face was a darkly handsome as before. And as every time before, Duo felt his heart ache for his beauty. It was his undoing. It drove him mad.
Heero crawled over to Duo on the bed and sat before him. He was waiting.
"I love you Heero," Duo whispered. His hand had found the gun.
"I know," Heero said, emotionless as always. "I don't know why."
"I don't know why either, but does it really make much difference now?"
"No, I guess not."
"Can I just ask one last thing? I need to know. Why don't you love me?"
Heero paused to think, actually pause to think. "I don't know."
Duo gasped. It seemed impossible.
"I think I am incapable to love." Heero said, as if that explained it all. "And only allowed to hate."
Duo nodded. He reached over and kissed Heero on the lips, "Good—bye Heero." He put the gun to Heero's head.
"Good—bye Duo." Duo felt the cold steel of the gun against his head for one second, then he pulled his trigger and then his world was gone.
The gunshots, needless to say, woke up Quatre and Trowa. They ran down the hall but they already knew what they would find. Slumped together in an almost mock embrace were the bodies of Heero and Duo. The blood was staining the sheets and splattered across the walls of the room.
In the distance, Quatre could hear the sirens ringing, almost as loud as his screams.