The Love Your Wasting
By: Olivia
I love Declan.
I didn't always know this. I started to realize it when Declan first introduced Peggy to our little group. You know the saying, two's a company, and three's a crowd. Well I didn't like her at first. I made up reasons why I didn't like her. I was jealous, but I hide my jealousy by thinking that I didn't like her. How could I like her when I didn't even give her a chance to get to know me or for me to get to know her. So at first I tolerated her and then I accepted that she was here to stay. And now... and now I'm starting to realize that I like her. Perhaps I always would have liked her had I not been jealous.
But now Emma's on the scene and all these feelings are coming back again, but this time it's different. Emma's not just a friend with possibilities, she's his *girlfriend.* Declan has never pursued either Peggy or I the way he pursues Emma. He loves her and that frightens and hurts me. I hate how Declan's face lights up whenever she walks into the room, like she did tonight, invading the little time Peggy and I have to spend with him now that she's in the picture.
With Peggy, I realized that after awhile, her being around didn't diminish Declan's friendship for me. Peggy didn't take him away from me. She became part of our group. She became one of us. She's a soul looking for answers to unanswerable questions. But Emma's not part of the group. She's taking Declan away from us. She's taking our best friend away.
When I look at Peggy now sitting here beside me, I see me a year ago. (And yes, I did secretly cheer a few moments ago when she gave Emma a piece of her mind! I couldn't help but smirk!) Peggy can't stand Emma the way I use to be unable to tolerate her. I'm just better at hiding my feelings than Peggy is. It is clear to me tonight that Peggy and I have a common enemy-Emma.
Peggy, like me a year ago, doesn't even realize that she's jealous. This is partly due to the fact that she still hasn't decided how she feels about Declan. She acknowledges to herself that Declan is one of her best friends. On that basis alone she loves him. She just can't tell if she feels more for him than that. I think that if she just let herself go, let the flame she holds for her deceased husband burn a little less brightly, she'd feel the same as I do. But Peggy doesn't want to be rushed into any decision by anyone, and especially not by Emma. She does know that she doesn't want Declan slowly taken out of her life piece by piece. I know I don't.
But the other part of Peggy truly doesn't like Emma as a person. Everything about Peggy, her job as a hospital psychiatrist, is helping people, putting people and their well being first. Emma's priority is getting the story first, despite the consequences to the real people behind the stories. Oh sure, every once in awhile Emma does something nice, but I credit that to Declan's influence. Declan, even when he's barging into people's lives as Peggy calls it, still is only concerned for their well being. He's trying to help them. So even in a perfect world where Declan is not being fought over, they still would probably not be friends.
Besides the fact that Emma's hasn't even really acknowledged that Peggy and I are already established friends in Declan's life. She's tried to circumvent us. She hasn't really attempted to get to know us, and I don't for one second believe these doughnuts were meant for Peggy and I too. At least Peggy was always nice to me and always cared about me even if I did keep her at arm's length and even if she couldn't understand me. I now realize that I too care about Peggy and would help her in any way I could.
I turn to look at Peggy sitting next to me on Declan's old office sofa with me. We've both been abandoned by Declan so he can run off and chase down the story with Emma. (I remember when he use to investigate miracles with us!) His promise to call us does nothing to ease the pain that I, and I'm sure Peggy, is feeling right now. The world could end in a few hours and here Peggy and I are sitting without the one person who has connected our lives together.
"Doughnut?" I ask Peggy to break the ice, trying to make a connection. If Declan is abandoning us, I suddenly realize that I'm sorry that Peggy's and my friendship has trouble standing on its own. I want it to be able to stand on its own.
Peggy opens her mouth to give her angry thoughts a voice, but she quickly decides against it. She's not angry at me she realizes, but she almost took out her anger on me. Her expression softens.
"Thanks," says Peggy with a quick sad smile as she takes a doughnut out of the brown paper bad and eats it. I can tell she too is thinking about the chasm that still has not been crossed between the two of us. She decides to throw a rope across.
"Well, we've got snacks thanks to Portland's hot shot reporter and I'm sure Declan must have a movie or something around here we can watch..." Peggy's voice trails off.
I grab at the proffered rope. "Sure." I stand up and search Declan's bookshelves for something we can watch. And I think to myself that this could be a new beginning for our friendship.
The End
"She's got you wrapped up in her satin and lace/Tied around her little finger...Don't you know your heart's in danger/There's a devil in that angel's face/If you could only see the love your wasting/I can love you better than that/I know how to make you forget her/All I'm asking is for one little chance...I'm going to break the spell she's got on you/You're going to wake up to find/I'm your desire my intentions are true/Hey babe, I know in time/You're gonna see what you mean to me/So open up your eyes/Seeing is believing."-Dixie Chicks-"I Can Love You Better"