This Space For Lease
By AberrantBlade (Baz4§hort)
This is an original story. It was written for a Pokémon fanfiction mailing list and never completed. It is only nominally a Pokémon fanfic. You will not find any crazed Pokémon running amok. I don't really like Pokémon anymore. Don't mail me with complaints about the lack of Pokémon and Pokémon references. Also, some of the gags may be a bit dated by now, it's been awhile since this has seen the light of day…
Disclaimer: I don't own the main & secondary characters in Pokémon. Game Freak, Creatures Inc. & Nintendo do. I do, however, own the original characters that are mine. I can't say that I own anyone else's OCs. The tumbleweed is the property, copyright, trademark, whatever of Darth David & Mooman, who let me use their tumbleweed with their permission. Just 'cause I can use it doesn't mean you can: Ask the owners of original characters if you can use their characters. In short, anything in this story that isn't someone else's is mine, OK? If you have any MP3s that you want to send me, SHUT UP AND SEND THEM ALREADY!!! ...sorry. I'll start the story now.
Cast
Tom (First Kid)
Dick (Second Kid)
Harry (Third Kid)
Reginald (The Butler)
Amos (Cannon Fodder 1)
Bernie (C/F 2)
Carl (C/F 3)
Drew (C/F 4)
Ed (C/F 5)
Fred (C/F 6)
Mr. Grumpy Old Man (Grampa)
Darth David & Mooman's Tumbleweed (BIG THANKS FOR THIS FAVOR!)
Dr. Dr. Prof. Spangle (Bad Man 1)
Prof. Killemall (Bad Man 2)
Dr. Guntohead (Bad Man 3)
The Stapler (Bad Man 4)
The Really Big Bureaucratic Pizza Co. Ltd. Corp. Representative (Bad Man 5)
Big Evil Scary Man (Bad Man 6)
Boggy B's Body (Bad Man 7)
Xab21 (Bad Man 8)
(9 naM daB) yoB sdrawkcaB
Various Artists
Batteries Not Included
Some Assembly Required
30-Day Warranty
[BeeAichEcks logo clip: The audience is stoned.]
[Baz4§hort Productions logo clip]
[dramatic music]
[fade into shot of a big mansion. Dark night, thunder, clouds, the usual murder mystery opening scene. Pan slowly to the right to a smaller mansion in sunlight with butterflies and bees flitting around, shortly followed by title screen on signpost from right side of screen: THIS SPACE FOR LEASE]
Day Two-And-Three-Quarters:
The Day In Which Really Complicated Stuff Happens That No One Can Understand How Said Complicated Stuff Happened
Or
Backstage At TSFL
[Cut to the Suite With Weapons of Mass Destruction. Napalm bombs adorn the room & the beds are made out of material recycled from the 'Enola Gay'. Ed is in front of a massive desk behind which sits Dr. Spangle.]
Spangle: Okay, Ed, here's a cozy cottage up in Alaska. It has walls and even a ceiling! Isn't that great?
Ed: Yah, ceilings are good.
Spangle: Great. Just sign here and it's yours.
[Ed picks up the feather pen & moves as though to sign the paper, pauses, then starts drawing childish scribbles all over the paper except for the 'Sign Here' spot. He makes vroooming sounds as if he's driving a car. He is about to draw an 'x' over the 'Sign Here' spot when a spinning light labeled "IGNORE UNLESS ABOUT TO SIGN AN UNFAIR CONTRACT" Before Spangle can say anything, Ed walks offstage to grab a cup of coffee and debate philosophy with the tumbleweed. Camera follows.]
Off-stage Ed [cultured & dignified voice]: Oh, good, they left some French Roast for me.
Tumbleweed: [unintelligible gibberish]
Off-stage Ed: I still believe that the upper-class entrepreneur has a firm grip on our society. Furthermore-
[Camera walks away from coffee maker and comes up to makeup stalls. Dick & Harry are talking.]
Dick: Look at this script! 'Stare blankly, admit this is a murder mystery.' Ishtar had a better script than this.
Harry: You think you're alone? I've gotta wear this stupid wig all day, wear glasses, act like a geek…who thought this up, anyway?!?
[B4§ walks up. Dick and Harry groan.]
B4§: Here are the revised scripts. I hope you'll enjoy them.
[Dick peruses the pages, then looks up in outrage.]
Dick: Act like a PENGUIN?! How many joints have you smoked today?
B4§: Would you rather act like a penguin or admit this is a murder mystery?
Dick: I…He…You…They…It…Cheese…don't dodge the question!
[Camera picks up and moves again, this time to the electric controls. Bernie & Tom talking.]
Off-stage Bernie [southern drawl]: How much y'all gettin' fer this?
Tom: Eighteen grand, minus taxes.
Off-stage Bernie: Eighteen thousan'? I got more than that from my terbacker plantation last year!
Tom: You have a tobacco plantation?
Off-stage Bernie: SHHHHH!!! Keep it down!
[Camera picks up and moves back to the stage, where Spangle & Ed were sitting exactly the same as before.]
Ed: 'Scuze me, Mister Spangle Man-Guy-Thing, I've got to go meet someone.
Spangle: Go right ahead.
[Ed walks offstage again, but camera does not follow him. Tom pops onto the screen from stage left, Dick from stage right.]
Tom: Murder mystery.
Dick: No it's not. Good night folks.
[TSFL theme plays as the cement curtain falls and crushes everyone below it.]