This Space For Lease
By AberrantBlade (Baz4§hort)
This is an original story. It was written for a Pokémon fanfiction mailing list and never completed. It is only nominally a Pokémon fanfic. You will not find any crazed Pokémon running amok. I don't really like Pokémon anymore. Don't mail me with complaints about the lack of Pokémon and Pokémon references. Also, some of the gags may be a bit dated by now, it's been awhile since this has seen the light of day…
Disclaimer: I don't own the main & secondary characters in Pokémon. Game Freak, Creatures Inc. & Nintendo do. I do, however, own the original characters that are mine. I can't say that I own anyone else's OCs. The tumbleweed is the property, copyright, trademark, whatever of Darth David & Mooman, who let me use their tumbleweed with their permission. Just 'cause I can use it doesn't mean you can: Ask the owners of original characters if you can use their characters. In short, anything in this story that isn't someone else's is mine, OK? If you have any MP3s that you want to send me, SHUT UP AND SEND THEM ALREADY!!! ...sorry. I'll start the story now.
Cast
Tom (First Kid)
Dick (Second Kid)
Harry (Third Kid)
Reginald (The Butler)
Amos (Cannon Fodder 1)
Bernie (C/F 2)
Carl (C/F 3)
Drew (C/F 4)
Ed (C/F 5)
Fred (C/F 6)
Mr. Grumpy Old Man (Grampa)
Darth David & Mooman's Tumbleweed (BIG THANKS FOR THIS FAVOR!)
Dr. Dr. Prof. Spangle (Bad Man 1)
Prof. Killemall (Bad Man 2)
Dr. Guntohead (Bad Man 3)
The Stapler (Bad Man 4)
The Really Big Bureaucratic Pizza Co. Ltd. Corp. Representative (Bad Man 5)
Big Evil Scary Man (Bad Man 6)
Boggy B's Body (Bad Man 7)
Xab21 (Bad Man 8)
(9 naM daB) yoB sdrawkcaB
Various Artists
Batteries Not Included
Some Assembly Required
30-Day Warranty
[BeeAichEcks logo clip: The audience is stoned.]
[Baz4§hort Productions logo clip]
[dramatic music]
[fade into shot of a big mansion. Dark night, thunder, clouds, the usual murder mystery opening scene. Pan slowly to the right to a smaller mansion in sunlight with butterflies and bees flitting around, shortly followed by title screen on signpost from right side of screen: THIS SPACE FOR LEASE]
Day…umm…(which fic is this again?)
The Reason Pokémon and Pokémon Characters Have Been Completely Omitted From TSFL To This Point
[Switch to outside of mansion, where pumpkins have magically appeared and kids are coming up the lane to collect three times their RDA of sugar. {EASTER EGG: The kids coming up the way are the crew members' kids, and in some cases, the crew members themselves.} Little did they know, the good-tasting-bad-for-you candy was replaced with bad-tasting-good-for-you fruit, and was promptly jettisoned by all but the little nerdy kids with a 3.8 GPA and acne. Cut to front door, where four unsuspecting kids and (you guessed it) a Pikachu are approaching the door. Who cares about secrecy at this point anyway? On with the insanity!]
Misty: Are you sure this is the Pokémon center?
Ash: I can't tell, this map is in Greek!
Brock: Lemme see that! [snatches the map, then smacks Ash upside the head] You numbskull! You were holding it upside down!
Ash: Well, it's all Greek to me! [sitcom laughter]
Tracey: Who cares where we are? I need some quick carbos and empty calories to maintain my statuesque figure! [more sitcom laughter]
[Ash moves to ring the doorbell. {EASTER EGG: The sign that read 'f u cn rd ths u cnt spl' earlier now sez 'I live in a drawerrrrrr…'} Bling-bling, BEE-OTCH! (No joke, that's how the doorbell goes!) The door opens, and…REGGIE FALLS OUT WITH A BULLET HOLE IN HIS HEAD!!! Everyone screams, even the invincible mouse and the tumbleweed, who missed the previous Day to attend an intergalactic kegger. Tom and Dick fall out a nearby window.]
Tom: SEE! SEE! HE'S DEAD! IT'S A MURDER MYSTERY! THERE'S NO WAY TO DENY IT NOW!!!
[Dick points out (still in penguin) the lack of an exit wound, followed by Reggie's immediate standing up.]
Tom: Rackinfrackin varmint!
Reginald [wiping the phake blood off his forehead]: Excuse me for that small outburst, it IS Halloween and I have…issues.
Brock: Didja hear that, guys-[gets elbowed in the rib by Misty]-and GIRLS? We have met someone who has 'issues'!
Tracey [looking straight forward]: Uh-huh…right…
Ash: Which way is the Pokémon Center? We've had another heart-wrenching mishap documented on film and to be broadcast on the air next week, and need to make it to the Pokémon Center just in the nick of time to keep the kids watching the show every weekend.
Misty: Yeah, or else we don't get paid!
Brock [aside]: Shuddup…
Tracey: …Trick or treat!
[Baz4§hort and several pro wrestlers fall from a dimensional portal (It's called an AIRLINER, for chrissakes) and begin duking it out royally.]
Ash [looking at the ruckus]: Riiiiiiiiiight.
Reginald: First of all, this is 'This Space For Lease', not 'Pokémon'. Second, you are interfering with the filming of a major motion picture. [Three lies in a row: major motion picture] Third, we don't like your kind around here. So pick up and leave before I have to throttle your Pikachu.
[The Pokémon characters run away screaming, dragging TR behind them.]
Reginald: Stupid WB. Always trying to film the goings-on of the place.
[Goes to screen with silhouette of a hand with an extended middle finger. Stupid "Who's that Pokémon" BGM. Chorus: Who's that Pok-AYEEEE!! Screen is shredded by animal claws. Little kid: SHUT THE F*** UP! SFX: BANG BANGBANG BANG TH-THUMP. Goes back to previous camera's close-up on Reggie.]
Tom: But why are you so mean to 'em? I'm a trainer…sorta…
Reginald: Last time I checked, you weren't under contract to Warner Brothers.
Tom: No…I'm under contract to Baz4§hort Productions. So are you. So's Harry.
Reginald: But how much do you get paid per hour to act stupid? Less than 'Ash', I bet.
Tom: Yeah, I'm…Is that camera still running?!
Reginald: Hey Baz, is, ummm…is that gonna be part of the movie now?
B4§ [offstage]: Cut! Good take! Yeah, that's in the script. Don't worry about it too much.
Tom: Okay, you just want me to leave this stuff here?
B4§: Yeah, take five.