This Space For Lease
By AberrantBlade (Baz4§hort)
This is an original story. It was written for a Pokémon fanfiction mailing list and never completed. It is only nominally a Pokémon fanfic. You will not find any crazed Pokémon running amok. I don't really like Pokémon anymore. Don't mail me with complaints about the lack of Pokémon and Pokémon references. Also, some of the gags may be a bit dated by now, it's been awhile since this has seen the light of day…
Disclaimer: I don't own the main & secondary characters in Pokémon. Game Freak, Creatures Inc. & Nintendo do. I do, however, own the original characters that are mine. I can't say that I own anyone else's OCs. The tumbleweed is the property, copyright, trademark, whatever of Darth David & Mooman, who let me use their tumbleweed with their permission. Just 'cause I can use it doesn't mean you can: Ask the owners of original characters if you can use their characters. In short, anything in this story that isn't someone else's is mine, OK? If you have any MP3s that you want to send me, SHUT UP AND SEND THEM ALREADY!!! ...sorry. I'll start the story now.
Cast
Tom (First Kid)
Dick (Second Kid)
Harry (Third Kid)
Reginald (The Butler)
Amos (Cannon Fodder 1)
Bernie (C/F 2)
Carl (C/F 3)
Drew (C/F 4)
Ed (C/F 5)
Fred (C/F 6)
Mr. Grumpy Old Man (Grampa)
Darth David & Mooman's Tumbleweed (BIG THANKS FOR THIS FAVOR!)
Dr. Dr. Prof. Spangle (Bad Man 1)
Prof. Killemall (Bad Man 2)
Dr. Guntohead (Bad Man 3)
The Stapler (Bad Man 4)
The Really Big Bureaucratic Pizza Co. Ltd. Corp. Representative (Bad Man 5)
Big Evil Scary Man (Bad Man 6)
Boggy B's Body (Bad Man 7)
Xab21 (Bad Man 8)
(9 naM daB) yoB sdrawkcaB
Various Artists
Batteries Not Included
Some Assembly Required
30-Day Warranty
[BeeAichEcks logo clip: The audience is stoned.]
[Baz4§hort Productions logo clip]
[dramatic music]
[fade into shot of a big mansion. Dark night, thunder, clouds, the usual murder mystery opening scene. Pan slowly to the right to a smaller mansion in sunlight with butterflies and bees flitting around, shortly followed by title screen on signpost from right side of screen: THIS SPACE FOR LEASE]
Day Five?
The Day In Which Numerous People Die (For Real)
[Cut to sunny beach. Harry is lying on a beach chair sipping a margarita while scantily clad girls go by. Cut to real world, where Tom is shaking Harry back to consciousness]
Harry: [still groggy] You want me to put suntan lotion where?!?…[comes to his senses] Wha-?! Dammit man, why must you continually interrupt dreams where I'm gonna get pu-tang!
[Censor pops up]
Censor: We apologize for the inappropriate comment one of the characters has made. The script has been erectified…WHO TAMPERED WITH MY LINES?! Er-hum, ahem, the script has been rectified. We now return you to the edited perversion…DAMN YOU PRANKSTERS!!…edited version of our…I quit.
[He throws his papers in the air and leaves.]
Harry: And take your damn edited version with you!
Tom: [twirls a pen] It's aaaaaall in the wrist.
Harry: And in the sick mind. So why the phrog did you wake me up?
Tom: Dick hasn't left his room all night. I'm worried about him.
Harry: Is he…derr…sleeping?
Tom: I dunno.
Harry: So call him, mackerel!
Tom: [picks up phone and dials] What's with the fish references?
Harry: Dunno. Picked up a Handheld Guide to Fish and was hooked, so to speak.
Tom: [groans from the bad joke] Oiiii… [phone picks up] Hello?…………WHASSUP!!
All people in the house: [pick up the phone] WHASSUP?!?!!
[We apologize for the spontaneous Whassup reference. It's Budweiser and their ad company's fault for making such a catchy commercial. Blame them! Blame them!!! NOOOOO!!!! [is lynched]]
Tom: Blah. So what's up?
Dick: [over phone, duh] I'm hiding from someone.
Tom: Who?
Dick: It's…someone.
Tom: You don't know who he is do you?!
Dick: It's not a he, it's a she!
Harry: [excitedly] Does she have a sister?
Dick: Stay out of this!!
Harry: Awwwww…
Tom: Where was she last?
Dick: outside my door……
Tom: Why did you go to no capitals?
Dick: because i'm trying to stay quiet, and no caps helps, right?
Tom: Dummy. Be right there. [hangs up] Let's go Harry…Harry? [looks around, Harry's already gone]
[Cut to Harry running down the hall. Fast-paced techno music plays until somebody hits the turntables with a sledgehammer. Harry runs into Dick's door without seeing it, he's looking for the girl. Harry, with a flattened face, falls flat on his back.]
Reginald: [comes running] I knew something like this would happen.
Tom: [also comes running] Why? Because this is a murder mystery!?
Dick: [from behind door] It is not!!
Harry: [dazed and contused, hallucinating] You look awfully hot. Why don't you take off your clothes?
Tom: As much as the female fans out there would love that…no.
[A scream and a gunshot sound through the hallways. Everybody and their tumbleweed scramble to see the scene of the crime. Dr. Guntohead, negotiations, is lying there with a gun to his head.]
B4§: HOLD ON!! HOLD ON JUST A SECOND!! How predictable is this? I can't stand it! PROPS!!! Get this gun out of here and give him a serious weapon!!
[Dr. Guntohead, negotiations, is lying there with a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters-polar bear to his head.]
B4§: Now THAT'S unpredictable!
Tom: Wow. Struck down by 175% of animal fuzz.
Dr. Spangle: It is, as they say, a plot twist.
Tom: Well, it's Cannon Fodder 2, Bad Men 0 as we enter the final stretch. Who will survive the next 24 hours? Will Harry ever meet that girl? Does Dick have a chance to leave that room ever again? How did we get a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters polar bear in the studio prop room? The first three questions might be answered next time on TSFL!
[Logo fades in]
Tom Voice-over: The fourth one…only the tumbleweed knows.
B4§: HEY! WAIT!!!
Tom: Now what?!
[Logo is pushed off the screen by Baz]
B4§: The title is "NUMEROUS PEOPLE DIE", not "ONE PERSON DIES"!!
Xab21: Okay. Let's go about this sequentially. I'll be Dr. Guntohead. Now, I scream… [screams] …and somebody shoots me with a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters-polar bear. [is shot with a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters-polar bear and falls over]
Tom: Wow. That IS an accurate reenactment.
Dr. Killemall: Okay, let's go over that. Uh, Boggy B's Body, you sit here, you scream- [BBB screams] –and someone shoots you. [shoots him with a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters-polar bear, he falls over]
Tom: Okay! Numerous people are dead. Can we leave now??
B4§: [celebrates the death of his arch-nemesis Xab21] Huh? Oh yeah sure. Get the heck out of here.
Harry: [crawls in, in pain] has anyone seen an attractive girl around here?
All: No.
Harry: Eyoh…
[Logo lands on any hope of recovering sanity from this fic]
Reginald: WAIIIIIIT!!!
All: [groan] NOW WHAT?!?!
Reginald: Tomorrow's the sixth day!
All: SO?!?!
Reginald: Don't you remember what happens on the sixth day of the fic?
[logo explodes, recap footage of Day One rolls]
Reginald: [in footage] There's one major event you might have a problem with...the Annual International Butler Convention is being held here six days from now.
All: AWWWWW!!!
Reginald: [in reality] Does the camera make my face look fat?
All: BUGGER OFF, YOU!!!
Reginald: NO!!!
All: EYOH!!!
B4§: HEY!!! I FORGOT WE NEED TO DO STUFF BEFORE THE SIXTH DAY!!!
All: NO S*** SHERLOCK!!! [shoot B4§ with a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters-polar bear]
B4§: [dodges] WOW!!! YOU ALMOST MADE ME THINK YOU WERE SERIOUS!!!
All: EYOH!!!
Tom: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?!?!
All: IT'S FUN!!!
Tom: [takes away the megaphones issued out at the beginning of the shoot] Now quit it!
B4§: NOW W- Now wait just a second, I have a plan. Everyone go home or to your trailers, get as much sleep as you can. Hey, that rhymed! Anyway, I will negotiate the necessary poo tonight. Tumbleweed, you'll do manual labor. Reggie, get in touch with every butler you know, tell them to get their tuxedo-clad booties down here. Harry- PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT, TUMBLEWEED!!! [cracks a whip] Harry, go take a breather outside, you look like you need it.
Harry: Heh hEh…yeAh…bReeaaaaTHeR… [stumbles out] YIPE!!! AMBUSH!!!
Tom: Uh…Harry?………Harry???
B4§: Figures. I ask for Harry No-Name and they give me a Famous Harry.
Tom: Huh?…You don't mean Harry-
B4§: Shh! You wanna get sued? [picks up Harry's blond wig, black hairs abound inside] Draw your own conclusions, folks. We can't do it for you. BACK TO WORK, TUMBLEWEED!!!