Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of the LOTR characters, so there! I own
only myself, my brain, and my moth-holey wallet.
Also: To my friends which I have used in this fanfic, please please please don't be offended with me! I just needed you to be in here.
1 The great debate: Part two
By Road-kill Writer
In a land called the Shire, where all is green and gay, and hobbits run rampant with bazookas (private joke), there was a hobbit, who usually lived in a hole, but right now lived in a shed, because Sam was sick of him and his giant hangover.
Frodo: Ow! My head! Where am I? (Realises he's in Sam's gardening shed) Bugger! Did I get another hangover?
Sam: (Pops out of wall) yes.
Frodo: Arghh! You just popped out of a wall!
Sam: No I didn't.
Frodo: Oh. That's okay then.
Sam: Anyway, where did you put your sword?
Frodo: Ow! Head. No idea. Why.
Sam: Rosie wants it. She says she has to scare away some tourists.
Frodo: (Dives under wheelbarrow) help! Fangirls!
Sam: No, she says they're not fan girls. She just wants sting, cause it glows all scary-bluey sometimes, even if there aren't any orcs right now.
Frodo: Oh-
Rosie bursts in door and grabs pitchfork.
Rosie: That's the last straw! They're setting fire to my carrots! DIIIIEEEEEE! (She runs outside screaming curses).
Frodo: Um…Sam, is she OK?
Sam: Rosie? Fine, just a little protective of her carrots.
They go outside. Standing in the middle of the vegetable patch, surrounded by burning carrots, is three figures wearing black shorts and t-shirts, and pointy sun-hats, and carrying touristy things.
Sam & Frodo: ARGHH! Potter!
Rosie: (bursts out of bushes with pitchfork) DIEEEEE!
Ron: Sorry about all this chaps (deflects Rosie's attacks) Just that we're on holiday and wanted to see what a Hobbit house is like an all.
Harry: Hey, it's that little guy from the bar!
Frodo: (Sees Sting lying under a cabbage) Yah! Die, Potter!
Sam: Please! If you have to fight, fight in Bag-End, not all over my cabbages!
Rosie: Right. That's it, I'm calling in the Calvary! (She runs off).
Harry and Frodo circle one another, swearing profusely.
Ron: (Rolls eyes) All I wanted was a nice trip with Hermione! I need to prove to people that I'm not gay!
Hermione: Oh look! Pippin! (Pippin and Merry have appeared on the other side of the vegetable patch. Hermione runs over).
Sam: (To Frodo and Harry) Please, brothers, let us live in peace and harmony! (He turns into a hippy, complete with weird clothes, beads in hair, mangy dog, and rainbow matt).
Merry: (Dodges Hermione and Pippin) What the bloody hell's going on here?
Frodo stabs Harry in the neck, at the same time, Harry set's Frodo's hair on fire. They both die instantly.
Ron: HAAAARRRRRRY! NOOOOO!
Sam: FROOOODDOOO! NOOOO!
The AUTHOR appears.
Author: Dumb-asses! That was not supposed to happen! (Frodo and Harry are brought back to life, minus their weapons).
Author: Now behave! OR ELSE!
Frodo: Or else what? Who are you anyway?
Author: I'm the author, you idiot! Or else I'll bring some of my friends here!
Frodo: (Cowering) No! Not fangirls!
Harry: This is what comes from being you. I never had problems with fangirls.
Ron: Um, Harry, I don't think that's so much of a good thing.
Sam: (Still in Hippy mode, now wearing a save the whales T-shirt) Oh mystical author person thing, who is your most popular of characters? Who should win this great debate?
Author: Screw you! I'm not saying anything.
Frodo: No tell us! You know it's LOTR. (He sees sword on the ground, sneaks up behind Harry with it).
Author: What did I tell you!?!?
She waves her hands a bit, and a girl appears on cabbage.
Izzy: Cool! I'm in middle earth!
Author: Izzy! Everyone is trying to kill everyone else! What am I gonna do?
Izzy: Beats me. I'm going to go find a bow and arrow (wanders off in search of weaponry).
Author: Damn! That didn't work. (Waves hands some more. Jenny appears).
Jenny: Oh my god! HOW SWEEEEET IS THIS!
Author: Please, please Jenny! You gotta help me! (Waves hands and Harry's wand, which was about to kill Frodo again, flies away) Everyone's trying to kill every one else!
Jenny: Where's Jane? I reckon we could whip up something cool.
Author: Forget it! I'll do it myself! (She waves her hands. Frodo flies into the air, dropping sting. A blind fold appears around Harry's head).
Harry: Hey! I can't see!
Frodo: Put me down!
Jenny: Wait! I'll help you…for a price. Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Author: Help me get this under control and I'll bring Tom Felton for you.
Jenny: Done!
Author: Right. First things first: Can you do mind control? I can, but I can't be bothered.
Jenny: Sure (Merry begins running around in circles, acting like a duck.)
Author: No, I need you to get Ron. He's run off looking for a Bazooka.
Jenny: OK. (She walks off looking for Ron).
Hermione: (To Pippin) You never called me.
Pippin: Sorry, but my phone was nicked by a ringwraith.
(Hermione suddenly turns to stone).
Pippin: Arghh! (Stares at weird evil rock creature behind Hermione).
Weird Evil Rock Creature: MWA HA HA HA HA! I am the weird evil rock creature! (Turns Merry to stone).
Author: Hey! Who are you, and what are you doing in my fanfic?
Weird Evil Rock Creature: I am darkness, and I am death! I will bring destruction and pain to this world! I will…
Author: This is getting BOR-ring. (She waves her hand and whole fellowship appears).
Borimir: Hey! I'm supposed to be dead.
Frodo: (Still hanging in air) Help! He's going to take the ring! Get him!
Everyone jumps Borimir, including Weird Evil Rock Creature, and the blindfolded Harry, attempting to kill him.
Borimir: (Ducks) Hey! Oh why must everyone hate me? I was only doing what Peter Jackson asked me to!
Jenny: (Appears with Ron, who has several bazookas tucked down his T-shirt) What the hell?
Ron: (Sees stone Hermione) Hermione! NOOO! (Breaks down and cries) Why did they hate you so? Just because you were a know-it-all.
Frodo: Ho, Hum, I'm still floating around up here you know.
Author: Sorry (drops Frodo onto Legolas's head).
Legolas: (Catches Frodo) hey! I thought everyone was supposed to love me.
Author: Sorry, but I am immune! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Legolas: NO! I lose my only advantage! (Grabs for Bows and arrows, to shoot Author, but finds that Izzy has nicked them).
Izzy: Cooooool! (Begins to fire arrows randomly).
Ron: DIEEE! (Begins to shoot bazookas).
Harry: (Pulls Blind fold off, ducks bazookas). Watch it!
Jenny: Where's Tom Felton? You said you'd bring him!
Gandalf: Hey! Who chucked those Jandals at me?
Gimli: (Sniggers, and continues chucking Jandals at Gandalf).
Aragorn: The Nazgul are coming!
Nazgul appear, acting evil.
Tom Felton appears out of nowhere. He takes one look at the situation, and screams.
Tom Felton: PEETTER!
Peter Jackson: I'm not getting involved.
Author: Tom! Only you have the power to stop this! (She grabs a nearby helicopter and begins shooting fireballs from it's exhaust pipe, laughing hysterically).
Tow Felton: WHAT?! Why me? I'm blond, for god's sake!
Frodo: (Is grabbed by ringwraiths) Heeeeeelp!
Jenny: (Grabs a bazooka) Get fixing Tom, or else!
Gandlaf: Get screwed, you stupid dwarf! (Begins chucking magazines at Gimil).
Izzy: (Fires Arrows at Hermione and Merry. They Come back to life) Cool! I suppose I better help fix this. (She begins studying LOTR and HP books).
Hermione and Merry: (See Chaos) What happened?
Pippin: (Being chased by fangirls) Help! There's fangirls after me!
Aragorn: What am I going to do? My sword's broken!
Rosie: Oh crud! Look at my garden!
Gollum appears. He sprouts wings and grabs Legolas's bow.
Tom: Right! (He waves his arms. A key board appears.
Tom: (Typing) Everybody's weapons disappeared. (Everybody's weapons disappear).
Author: Awwww!
Tom: (Still typing) Any one who was dead was brought back to life. Fangirls disappear. Gollum falls down dead. The characters were split up into their respected groups. The vegetables were repaired. Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione stand unhurt to one side. The fellowship stand unhurt to another. Izzy and Jenny stand in the middle. The Weird Evil Rock Creature disappears. Any extras (not including me) sit on top of Bag End. Everybody returns to how they should look and act. The ringwraiths are far away. Tolkien's grave stops spinning.
(All this happens, including the part about Tolkien's grave.)
Ron: Well, that's all very well, but it did screw up our holiday.
Tom: I'm not done (Continues Typing) Harry, Ron and Hermione go for nice holiday in Aussie (A/N Yuck!). Jenny and Izzy return to NZ. Rosie starts gardening. (All this happens).
Tom: Well, I think that about covers it. Bye!
Author: (Crying) My fanfic! It's ruined!
Pippin: Never mind, it was never that great anyway.
Author: WAAAAH! I love you Pippin! (She disappears).
Gandalf: Hang on, where's Frodo?
Legolas: The Ringwraiths still have him!
Borimir: (Stamps foot) Bugger! Now I'll never get the ring!
Aragorn: We have a new quest! Let us proceed to rescue our befallen companion!
Merry: Is that really proper grammar? Befallen. I don't think it is.
Sam: Shut up. Onward! To rescue Mr Frodo!.
They all trudge off.
OK, maybe it does suck, but oh well. Sorry again to Izzy and Jenny, I just needed to make it more interesting! I would have put Jane and Caz in too, but they come I the next chapter!
Also: To my friends which I have used in this fanfic, please please please don't be offended with me! I just needed you to be in here.
1 The great debate: Part two
By Road-kill Writer
In a land called the Shire, where all is green and gay, and hobbits run rampant with bazookas (private joke), there was a hobbit, who usually lived in a hole, but right now lived in a shed, because Sam was sick of him and his giant hangover.
Frodo: Ow! My head! Where am I? (Realises he's in Sam's gardening shed) Bugger! Did I get another hangover?
Sam: (Pops out of wall) yes.
Frodo: Arghh! You just popped out of a wall!
Sam: No I didn't.
Frodo: Oh. That's okay then.
Sam: Anyway, where did you put your sword?
Frodo: Ow! Head. No idea. Why.
Sam: Rosie wants it. She says she has to scare away some tourists.
Frodo: (Dives under wheelbarrow) help! Fangirls!
Sam: No, she says they're not fan girls. She just wants sting, cause it glows all scary-bluey sometimes, even if there aren't any orcs right now.
Frodo: Oh-
Rosie bursts in door and grabs pitchfork.
Rosie: That's the last straw! They're setting fire to my carrots! DIIIIEEEEEE! (She runs outside screaming curses).
Frodo: Um…Sam, is she OK?
Sam: Rosie? Fine, just a little protective of her carrots.
They go outside. Standing in the middle of the vegetable patch, surrounded by burning carrots, is three figures wearing black shorts and t-shirts, and pointy sun-hats, and carrying touristy things.
Sam & Frodo: ARGHH! Potter!
Rosie: (bursts out of bushes with pitchfork) DIEEEEE!
Ron: Sorry about all this chaps (deflects Rosie's attacks) Just that we're on holiday and wanted to see what a Hobbit house is like an all.
Harry: Hey, it's that little guy from the bar!
Frodo: (Sees Sting lying under a cabbage) Yah! Die, Potter!
Sam: Please! If you have to fight, fight in Bag-End, not all over my cabbages!
Rosie: Right. That's it, I'm calling in the Calvary! (She runs off).
Harry and Frodo circle one another, swearing profusely.
Ron: (Rolls eyes) All I wanted was a nice trip with Hermione! I need to prove to people that I'm not gay!
Hermione: Oh look! Pippin! (Pippin and Merry have appeared on the other side of the vegetable patch. Hermione runs over).
Sam: (To Frodo and Harry) Please, brothers, let us live in peace and harmony! (He turns into a hippy, complete with weird clothes, beads in hair, mangy dog, and rainbow matt).
Merry: (Dodges Hermione and Pippin) What the bloody hell's going on here?
Frodo stabs Harry in the neck, at the same time, Harry set's Frodo's hair on fire. They both die instantly.
Ron: HAAAARRRRRRY! NOOOOO!
Sam: FROOOODDOOO! NOOOO!
The AUTHOR appears.
Author: Dumb-asses! That was not supposed to happen! (Frodo and Harry are brought back to life, minus their weapons).
Author: Now behave! OR ELSE!
Frodo: Or else what? Who are you anyway?
Author: I'm the author, you idiot! Or else I'll bring some of my friends here!
Frodo: (Cowering) No! Not fangirls!
Harry: This is what comes from being you. I never had problems with fangirls.
Ron: Um, Harry, I don't think that's so much of a good thing.
Sam: (Still in Hippy mode, now wearing a save the whales T-shirt) Oh mystical author person thing, who is your most popular of characters? Who should win this great debate?
Author: Screw you! I'm not saying anything.
Frodo: No tell us! You know it's LOTR. (He sees sword on the ground, sneaks up behind Harry with it).
Author: What did I tell you!?!?
She waves her hands a bit, and a girl appears on cabbage.
Izzy: Cool! I'm in middle earth!
Author: Izzy! Everyone is trying to kill everyone else! What am I gonna do?
Izzy: Beats me. I'm going to go find a bow and arrow (wanders off in search of weaponry).
Author: Damn! That didn't work. (Waves hands some more. Jenny appears).
Jenny: Oh my god! HOW SWEEEEET IS THIS!
Author: Please, please Jenny! You gotta help me! (Waves hands and Harry's wand, which was about to kill Frodo again, flies away) Everyone's trying to kill every one else!
Jenny: Where's Jane? I reckon we could whip up something cool.
Author: Forget it! I'll do it myself! (She waves her hands. Frodo flies into the air, dropping sting. A blind fold appears around Harry's head).
Harry: Hey! I can't see!
Frodo: Put me down!
Jenny: Wait! I'll help you…for a price. Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Author: Help me get this under control and I'll bring Tom Felton for you.
Jenny: Done!
Author: Right. First things first: Can you do mind control? I can, but I can't be bothered.
Jenny: Sure (Merry begins running around in circles, acting like a duck.)
Author: No, I need you to get Ron. He's run off looking for a Bazooka.
Jenny: OK. (She walks off looking for Ron).
Hermione: (To Pippin) You never called me.
Pippin: Sorry, but my phone was nicked by a ringwraith.
(Hermione suddenly turns to stone).
Pippin: Arghh! (Stares at weird evil rock creature behind Hermione).
Weird Evil Rock Creature: MWA HA HA HA HA! I am the weird evil rock creature! (Turns Merry to stone).
Author: Hey! Who are you, and what are you doing in my fanfic?
Weird Evil Rock Creature: I am darkness, and I am death! I will bring destruction and pain to this world! I will…
Author: This is getting BOR-ring. (She waves her hand and whole fellowship appears).
Borimir: Hey! I'm supposed to be dead.
Frodo: (Still hanging in air) Help! He's going to take the ring! Get him!
Everyone jumps Borimir, including Weird Evil Rock Creature, and the blindfolded Harry, attempting to kill him.
Borimir: (Ducks) Hey! Oh why must everyone hate me? I was only doing what Peter Jackson asked me to!
Jenny: (Appears with Ron, who has several bazookas tucked down his T-shirt) What the hell?
Ron: (Sees stone Hermione) Hermione! NOOO! (Breaks down and cries) Why did they hate you so? Just because you were a know-it-all.
Frodo: Ho, Hum, I'm still floating around up here you know.
Author: Sorry (drops Frodo onto Legolas's head).
Legolas: (Catches Frodo) hey! I thought everyone was supposed to love me.
Author: Sorry, but I am immune! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Legolas: NO! I lose my only advantage! (Grabs for Bows and arrows, to shoot Author, but finds that Izzy has nicked them).
Izzy: Cooooool! (Begins to fire arrows randomly).
Ron: DIEEE! (Begins to shoot bazookas).
Harry: (Pulls Blind fold off, ducks bazookas). Watch it!
Jenny: Where's Tom Felton? You said you'd bring him!
Gandalf: Hey! Who chucked those Jandals at me?
Gimli: (Sniggers, and continues chucking Jandals at Gandalf).
Aragorn: The Nazgul are coming!
Nazgul appear, acting evil.
Tom Felton appears out of nowhere. He takes one look at the situation, and screams.
Tom Felton: PEETTER!
Peter Jackson: I'm not getting involved.
Author: Tom! Only you have the power to stop this! (She grabs a nearby helicopter and begins shooting fireballs from it's exhaust pipe, laughing hysterically).
Tow Felton: WHAT?! Why me? I'm blond, for god's sake!
Frodo: (Is grabbed by ringwraiths) Heeeeeelp!
Jenny: (Grabs a bazooka) Get fixing Tom, or else!
Gandlaf: Get screwed, you stupid dwarf! (Begins chucking magazines at Gimil).
Izzy: (Fires Arrows at Hermione and Merry. They Come back to life) Cool! I suppose I better help fix this. (She begins studying LOTR and HP books).
Hermione and Merry: (See Chaos) What happened?
Pippin: (Being chased by fangirls) Help! There's fangirls after me!
Aragorn: What am I going to do? My sword's broken!
Rosie: Oh crud! Look at my garden!
Gollum appears. He sprouts wings and grabs Legolas's bow.
Tom: Right! (He waves his arms. A key board appears.
Tom: (Typing) Everybody's weapons disappeared. (Everybody's weapons disappear).
Author: Awwww!
Tom: (Still typing) Any one who was dead was brought back to life. Fangirls disappear. Gollum falls down dead. The characters were split up into their respected groups. The vegetables were repaired. Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione stand unhurt to one side. The fellowship stand unhurt to another. Izzy and Jenny stand in the middle. The Weird Evil Rock Creature disappears. Any extras (not including me) sit on top of Bag End. Everybody returns to how they should look and act. The ringwraiths are far away. Tolkien's grave stops spinning.
(All this happens, including the part about Tolkien's grave.)
Ron: Well, that's all very well, but it did screw up our holiday.
Tom: I'm not done (Continues Typing) Harry, Ron and Hermione go for nice holiday in Aussie (A/N Yuck!). Jenny and Izzy return to NZ. Rosie starts gardening. (All this happens).
Tom: Well, I think that about covers it. Bye!
Author: (Crying) My fanfic! It's ruined!
Pippin: Never mind, it was never that great anyway.
Author: WAAAAH! I love you Pippin! (She disappears).
Gandalf: Hang on, where's Frodo?
Legolas: The Ringwraiths still have him!
Borimir: (Stamps foot) Bugger! Now I'll never get the ring!
Aragorn: We have a new quest! Let us proceed to rescue our befallen companion!
Merry: Is that really proper grammar? Befallen. I don't think it is.
Sam: Shut up. Onward! To rescue Mr Frodo!.
They all trudge off.
OK, maybe it does suck, but oh well. Sorry again to Izzy and Jenny, I just needed to make it more interesting! I would have put Jane and Caz in too, but they come I the next chapter!