Disclaimer: Do I really need ANOTHER disclaimer, since I've had one in both
of the other chapters?!?
Sorry I haven't written anything for ages, I'm kinda working on about six stories at once!
Note: Caz, please don't kill me. Jane, please don't kill me. Jenny, please don't send Draco after me to kill me. I know I shouldn't use names but I'm a sorry sight when it comes to giving people normal names. Oh well, I can always buy a hippy bus and run away from you lot with Sean Biggestaff and Pippin.
1 Chapter three: The Suitcase
Note: there are no suitcases in this fanfic.
Pippin: I'm hungry
Merry: I'm tired
Pippin: I'm thirsty
Merry: I'm sore
Sam: (sobbing into hanky) Please, let me have a moment of silence in honour of poor Mr Frodo.
Aragron: For god's sake Sam, this is the millionth moment of silence! There are only so many moments of silence you can have for one person!
Pippin: Besides, he's not dead yet.
Sam: (Sobbing louder) Frodo! Oh Frodo, how could you die on me?
Merry: HE'S NOT DEAD YET!
Sam: (lies on ground having a tantrum and screaming) He's dead! Oh, he's dead! WAAAAAAAAAH!
Borimir hit's Sam on the head with his sword, picks up the unconscious hobbit and throws him over his shoulder.
Pippin & Merry: Aww, do we have to take him with us? Can't we just dump him down a cliff?
Legolas: (Pops out of tree) where's Gimli?
Everyone looks around. Gimli has disappeared.
Borimir: (Hands Sam to Pippin) We better split up. (Proceeds to make cow noises behind Aragron's back).
Aragorn: What did he say before he left, since I wasn't paying attention?
Pippin: (Collapses under Sam's weight) I think he needed to pee.
Merry: I thought he went to pick flowers.
Pippin: Yum! Flowers!
Gimli is walking through the forest, picking flowers (sorry, I don't mean to say he's gay, I just can't help totally mutilating Gimli's character).
Gandalf: (Popping out of a log) None of us should be walking alone, Master Dwarf. Least of all you.
Gimli: (hiding flowers behind back) And that would seem like wisdom, but for the warning in my heart
Gandalf: Warning? What warning? I want only the strength to defend my people!
Gimli backs away, flowers still clutched behind his back.
Gandalf: Why do you fear me? We're all afraid, Gimli. But to let that fear drive us to chuck jandals at people, that is madness. Why do you fear me?
Gimli: You are not yourself.
Gandalf: (a/n sorry, I'm skipping bits here) THEY SHOULD BE MINE! Give them to me!
Gimli: NO! (They both fall over, the flowers are crushed) oh no! Look what you've done!
Gandalf: Gimli? Oh, I'm sorry! A madness took me, I just had to get those flowers!
Gimli: Well, Mr Wizard, why don't you get your own?
Gandalf: Those ones are the nicest. Here, let me fix them (reaches for flowers).
Gimli: No! (Pulls flowers away).
Gandalf tries to grab the flowers, they both fall over again, and start rolling down the hill. This is a New Zealand hill, remember, and they can get pretty steep and pretty screwy…
Gimli and Gandalf: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Everyone hears the screams. They jump up (Including Sam, since he's woken up) and look around.
Legolas: That sounded like Gandalf and Gimli!
Borimir: We had better find them! (He makes a good impression of a chicken behind Aragron's back).
Aragron: We will wait until nightfall.
Merry: Why?
Aragorn: Since Gandalf's dead, I'm in charge. Mwa ha ha!
Pippin: So why do we have to wait until nightfall?
Aragron: Silence, mere mortal halfling! (Grabs Pippin by scruff of the neck and chucks him down the hill).
Pippin: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Legolas: That sounded like Pippin!
Merry: Well, duh! Strider just chucked my cousin down a cliff!
Borimir: Well, I'm not going to find him. He kicked me! (Continues by making a duck impression behind Aragorn's back).
Merry: (calling down cliff) Pippin!
Sam: Frodo!
Legolas: Gimli! Gandalf!
Borimir: I think we had better count to see how many people have not been wiped out by that stupid author.
Author: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME STUPID! (Turns all of Borimir's clothes pink).
Legolas: (Not realising that there's anything wrong) One, two, three…four.(Forgets to count himself) Five of our companions are missing.
Sam: Oh no! Merry's gone too!
Merry: No I'm not! (to Legolas) You stupid blond! You forgot to count yourself.
Caz: (pops out of rock) Don't you call my elf stupid! Oh, how could you Merry! I have no choice but to kill you!
Merry: No! Don't kill me! It's Pippin you want to kill, not me!
Caz: Yeah, I do like you better. But I don't want to kill Pippin – I just want to wring his little neck sometimes. It's Jane that wants to kill Pippin.
Jane: (Pops out of Aragorn) And I would have succeeded by now, if it wasn't for that damn author!
Author: (pops out of a chicken) Look, if you people just won't stop insulting me, I will be forced to take drastic measures!
Jane: Such as….
Author: Permanently changing your character so that they never hate Pippin again! I can do that, you know!
Jane: Noooooo! I won't kill him!
Author: Well, I had him chucked down a cliff anyway, just in case, so you can't touch him.
Jane: (behind Author's back) he he he…I will find Pippin…and then….(makes slapping motion with her palm as if swatting a bug).
Caz: Where's Legolas? Leggy, darling, I want to meet you!
Legolas is hiding behind Borimir (because he's fangirlphobic), who is hiding behind Aragorn (so no one sees his clothes) who is hiding behind Merry and Sam, (because he feels like it.)
Author: Please get on with the story, people. Mush, mush!
Everyone stares at her.
Author: (Shrugs) hey, it's what my mum always says. Besides, you have better start listening to me or I'll out all the guys into fluffy bunny suits and drop them into a pit of rabid fangirls, then I'll get you two (points at Caz and Jane) and make sure you never see Legolas or Orlando Bloom again!
Everyone stares for a moment after this long and tedious threat.
Jane & Caz: but…but we're not even supposed to be here!
Author: I need someone to fill the gaps of the people who have fallen down cliffs. Now what did I just say? WELL? Go look for Gimli and Legolas!
Sam & Merry: (whining) I thought we were looking for Frodo and Pippin!
Author: Later! They're safe. Well, Frodo's not, but he will be just as soon as hell freezes over.
Caz: Can I snog Legolas on the way?
Author: If you can catch him (Legolas has just bolted for his sanity).
Author disappears. The fellowship (or what's left of it) gathers together and begin walking towards the horizon.
In a forest not so far away, at about the same time…
Frodo: LET ME DOWN!
Witch King: (In high creepy voice) He, he, he! First, bow to us, mortal scum!
Frodo: Bow to you? BOW TO YOU?! I am hanging by my ankles from a TREE! I couldn't bow to a CHIPMUNK to save my own skin!
Nazgul 1: (whispering together) He does have a point.
Nazgul 2: I'm sick of him complaining that the blood is flowing to his brain.
Nazgul 3: And wailing that the circulation to his ankles has been cut off.
Nazgul 4: And that he's hungry…
Nazgul 5: And thirsty…
Nazgul 6: And bored…
Witch King: Silence! I decide what we do with the prisoner! ME! Not you!
Nazguls 1 – 6: Aww! Screw you!
All nazguls (+ Witch King) but Nazgul 7 – 8 wander off. (A/N Sorry about numbers, but…well… how do you name a ringwraith?)
Nazgul 7 & 8 are left guarding the tree where Frodo is hanging. While they are not looking, he pulls himself up the rope and sits on the branch, pulls out a pipe, and starts to smoke (don't even ask what).
Nazgul 7: I'm sooo bored, Darling.
Nazgul 8 (Hereby to be called "darling"): Oh, Sweetie, I know what you mean.
Nazgul 7 (Hereby to be called "sweetie"): What are we doing here, Darling? Why did we ever leave Minis Morgul?
Darling: Look, take a peek at this to keep your mind off things (Frodo, listening from above, pulls back in revulsion, but "Darling" merely pulls up it's sleeve)
Sweetie: Oh what a lovely little bracelet, Darling!
Darling: I nicked it off something dead back at Minis Tirith.
Sweetie: Oh, don't let Witch King see it. He'll go crazy and probably send you off to Barad Dur to have your brain scanned.
Darling: (Shudders) You mean Bitch King! And I don't have a brain, I'm half dead.
Sweetie giggles, which is a very creepy sound to hear from a Ringwraith.
Darling: I have something for you, too…(Leans over and kisses "Sweetie". Frodo makes chocking noises whilst sticking his middle finger down his throat).
Sweetie: (recovering composure and going all creepy again) Shut up, half- pint!
Frodo: That's halfling to you!
Darling: You just wait until we get the ring off you!
Frodo: Just try it! You don't even know where it is. ("Darling" grumbles.)
Frodo: But anyway, I have a little deal for you. If you set me free, I'll give you the ring and you can take it to Sauron himself.
Darling: We don't need that! We'll find the ring anyway.
Frodo: Ah! But there's the catch. If you don't let me go, I'll tell the Witch King that you two are gay! If he would get mad about a bracelet, I'm betting he'll go beserk if he finds out two of his soldiers are snogging!
Darling and Sweetie look at each other.
Both Nazgul: Blackmail! No! We couldn't live without each other! Please, we'll do anything!
Frodo: I think we can make this worth both our whiles…
A long way away… well, actually, once again, it's not really far away, and it's still almost the same time…
Pippin: (Wakes up rubbing head) Ow! Stupid Strider! I'll get that ranger if it kills me. (Looks down at leg, sees large gash) argh! It's almost killed me already!
Evil voice out of shadows: Sssss…look at what I here have found…a little mouse sitting on the ground…
Pippin: (Tries to stand up, but leg gives way) Eeep! Don't kill me!
Evil voice which has gotten considerably closer by now: One little mouse alone, where are it's friends…? By the dusk of the day I'll have it me my ends…
Pippin: (Wailing) HEEEELP! Borimir! Gandalf! Strider! Merry! Anybody!!!!! (There's no sound but the dripping of leaves).
Evil voice right next to Pippin's ear: Little mouse, little mouse, you'll be mine to take…little mouse, little mouse, I'll make you break…
Pippin spins around. A blond boy is standing behind him, grinning evilly. At the sight of Pippin's face, he's cracks up laughing and rolls around on the ground, clutching his sides.
Harry Potter: (Coming out of the trees) good one, Malfoy!
Ron: Did you see his face? That'll teach you to chat up with my girl! (All three boys are laughing hard out by now).
Hermione: That wasn't funny, Draco! I'm ashamed of all three of you! Ok, maybe it was funny, but it was still mean! Poor Pip!
Pippin: Hermione! (She runs up and hugs him and they snog passionately. Ron makes chocking noises whilst sticking his middle finger down his throat. Harry elbows him.)
Malfoy: (in usual drawling voice) Well, if you two are done, I think we should probably keep moving.
Harry: Keep moving where? We're lost!
Malfoy: Well is that my fault?
Ron: Yes! You were supposed to pick us up and take us to the airport.
Hermione: And you lost our plane tickets.
Malfoy: Well, I'll just apperate you all…
Hermione, Ron & Harry: NO!
Malfoy: Look, I've been practising for AGES! Just let me give it a try!
Harry: Get real! We'll probably end up somewhere way out in the middle of a pigs rectum!
Ron: A what?
Pippin: Well, as long as we're all lost, why don't we stick together and find the rest of the fellowship? Sam probably wouldn't notice if you stole his pony and nicked off to the airport.
Hermione: Yes, let's go!
Malfoy: Yes, let's go throw the runt down a well.
Ron: (At the same time as malfoy) Yes, let's go throw Malfoy down a well.
Harry: (At the same time as Ron) Yes, let's go all throw ourselves down a well and save us all the trouble.
Pippin: Fine! (Pulls out a cell phone, dials something) Hello? Elrond? No, I'm fine, not. Is it possible for you to assassinate people over long distances? I know you were in some mob when you were younger but…yes. No, no, we must be more the fifty miles from Rivendell. Oh well. Just that I want to pay Strider back for…yes, I said Strider. Well he…
Malfoy: (grabs phone and turns it off) God damn it! I hate cell phones!
Pippin: Hey!
Ron: (Grabs phone) What is it?
Pippin: It's a cell phone, you prehistoric buffoon!
Ron: Shut your face, you miserable little leprechaun!
Pippin: Get lost, you freckle nosed, brain-dead heathen!
Ron: You get lost, fat faced, girl-friend stealing, ugly, piggy, foolish, little worm!
Pippin jumps on Ron and they start rolling around on the ground, yelling and screaming more insults at each other.
Harry: Ron! Ron, you don't have to kill him! (there is no sign of this happening. Ron is being pinned down by the tiny figure who is kicking him.)
Hermione: Peregrine Took, stop this at once! (She grabs Pippin around the waist and hauls him off Ron.)
Ron: What did you do that for, I was just about to waste him!
Malfoy: (Cracks up into hysterical laughter.)
Pippin: He started it! Stupid stick-insect!
Ron: What did you just call me?
Pippin: A stick insect.
Ron: Oh…Ok…then… um.
Malfoy: C'mon. Let's get out of this stupid forest.
Everyone follows Malfoy.
Back with what's left of the fellowship…
Caz: PLEEEEEZE Legolas! I LOOOOOOVE you!
Legolas: (Refuses to come down from tree) no! P*** off!
Caz: (Begins crying) don't you see? Just one kiss from your tender lips and…
Jane: For god's sake, Caz! Pull yourself together! He's a fangirlphobic, he's not going near you!
Aragorn: (Returns to group, where everyone has been watching the odd performance between Caz and Legolas) I have a lead! My special-super-hobbit- finding-gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine has picked up a reading!
Everyone: Finally!
Jane: I didn't think you'd ever get that thing to work.
Aragorn: (Brandishing what looks like a cross between a cell-phone, a TV remote and an egg carton) Of course it works, milady! It was designed by myself!
Jane mimics Aragorn sarcastically behind the ranger's back, next to Borimir who is miming swimming around in circles. Caz sits and stares forlornly at Legolas, who glares back from the tree.
Merry: If your gadget thingie detects hobbits, how do you know it's not Pippin it's picking up?
Aragorn: Ah, Merry, there's something I have to tell you, (Puts arm around Merry like a loving father-figure. Merry shuffles away slightly) I don't know if you're old enough to know this, Merry, but I hope your ready. As I was walking around, picking up signals on my special-super-hobbit-finding- gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine, I came across a very sad sight. There lay a little skeleton, with poor Pippin's scarf around it. I'm sorry to tell you this, Merry, but your cousin has…(Aragorn brushes an imaginary tear from his eye)…passed away unto the heavens (sniff).
Merry: What!? But I only saw him a few hours ago!
Aragorn: It only takes a few hours for such a sorrowful tragedy to occur.
Merry: Can I see his…uh…remains?
Aragorn: Sadly, no.
Merry: Why the bloody hell NOT?!?
Aragorn: I buried him. Fear not, young hobbit, for your companions are beside you, and we will see you pull through this step in your life. (He walks away, leaving Merry sitting quietly on his own).
Jane: (Walks up eating an apple she nicked off Sam) You know, that ranger's not all that bad a liar, (she pat's Merry on the back) don't worry! I won't let anyone kill Pippin but me.
Merry: Great. I'm totally relieved.
Jane: (Ignoring sarcasm) That's good (Looks over at Jane) oh s**t – Caz! Caz you're going to fall! Get down from there!
Finally everyone gets under control. Aragorn (who, I'm sad to report, is turning into a control-freak) leads the fellowship of in the direction that the special-super-hobbit-finding-gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine is bleeping.
special-super-hobbit-finding-gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine: Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!
Caz: ShutupshutupSHUTUP!
Sam: It sounds like a sheep with asthma!
Aragorn: Look you mangy half-wits, do you want to find Frodo or not?
Sam: Frodo! (Starts crying once more)
Borimir: Oh, look what you did now!
Legolas: Aragorn, you need to take social lessons! You were bad enough when you were loner, your even worse now that you're a control freak!
Aragorn: Stupid blond! It's called leadership! Can't your measly brain process that?
Legolas: (pouting) there's nothing wrong with blondes!
Aragorn: (sarcastically, in high-pitched voice) Oh! There's nothing wrong with blondes! Oh, look! I'm Legolas! I'm so beautiful! I like to walk around shooting arrows at everything and playing with my hair!
Legolas: Yes well at least I have hair!
Aragorn: I have hair!
Legolas: That's not hair! That's melted plastic! That's raw wool that's been shoved up a pig's rectum!
Sam: A what?
Aragorn: Why you…!
Legolas and Aragorn circle each other. As their emotions over came their sense, the two anchient rivals felt a power charging inside them…fuelling their anger…strengthening their magical hatred…
Jane: Who's reading the script? Who's saying those stupid lines?
Merry: Look! A big ball of light!
Sam: On Legolas and strider!
A big ball of light on Legolas and Aragorn gets bigger. Lots of magic, yadda, yadda. Borimir grabs Caz, Caz grabs Legolas and Merry, Merry grabs Sam, Sam grabs Jane, Jane grabs Bill the Pony, Bill the Pony Pokes Aragorn with his nose, there's a big flash.
Boom.
Everyone coughs. Sam brushes Bill the pony. Jane and Caz wipe sparks off their clothes. Borimir waxes his surf board. (What? He can surf!) Legolas brushes soot out of his hair. Caz brushes soot out of Legolas's hair. Somewhere, not far away, somebody chokes. No, it's not the people reading this fic who are so disgusted by my lack of writing skills and total randomness.
Legolas: Where are we?
Sam: Look! Two gay Nazgul!
Merry: Great Sam, their probably friends of yours.
Jane: They haven't seen us yet! Hurry, behind that convinient big rock over there!
Everybody runs and hides behind convinient big rock.
Aragorn: Right. Legolas, go down that slope. If anything comes down it, shoot it. Caz, go find some army or something. Those riders of Rohan or whatever – they'll do. The rest of us will make a surprise attack and grab Frodo – wherever he is – and run. Got it?
The rest of them: Right. This plan sucks.
Aragorn: You come up with something better!
Caz leaves. Legolas walks down hill, out of sight. Everyone else rolls their eyes at Aragorn.
Aragorn: Ready? ATTAAAAAACK! (He runs off to attack. Everyone sighs and follows).
Darling: (Talking to Frodo) try blackmailing us like this, why don'tcha!?
Sweetie: Rotten halfling! (Suddenly the realise there's a crazy Ranger attacking them).
Sweetie: Not you again! (weather-top, remember?)
(everyone else attacks too. Sweetie and Darling scream girlishly and run away).
Sam: (hugs Frodo) Frodo! Oh, what have they done to you?
Frodo has been wrapped up tightly in a wide roll of bubble-wrap. He has several fantails shoved in his mouth (A/N no animal cruelty intended!)
Frodo: MMPH MMMNNN MUUUFF!
Borimir: We must get him to safety!
Aragorn: Quick! Roll him down the hill!
Jane: Didn't you tell Legolas…
Aragorn: Silence, woman! Do as I say! (He gives Frodo a kick and rolls him down the hill).
Frodo: NNNNNOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo(fades away).
Sam: Frodo!
Merry: Uh..heads up…heh heh heh…
All the rest of the Nazgul have popped up. They all draw swords. Behind them is a huge army of orcs and trolls.
Aragorn: Eeep! This is beyond even my superior fighting skills!
Borimir: RUUUUN!
Everybody runs. Straight down the hill. They are narrowly missed by several arrows before Legolas realises who it is.
Legolas: Idiots! Look, I already shot Frodo! (He points at Frodo, who has been shot. Luckily, his large layer of bubble-wrap has protected him.)
Jane: We have top get out of here!
Legolas: Where? (Points behind his. There is a solid rock wall at the end of the slope.
Sam: Trapped! At least I'm with Frodo…(throws himself at Frodo).
Frodo: Are you sure you're not gay, Sam.
Sam: I swear Frodo! I still have to get married to a girl and have thirteen kids, remember?
Merry: Incoming! (Orcs, Trolls, Nazguls, Giants Eyes, ect, are coming down the hill.)
Sweetie: (Points at Legolas) Oh! He's cute!
Darling: (Points at Frodo) But look at his eyes!
Witch King: Shut up! (Bashes gay Nazgul around head).
Everybody: ARGHHHHHHH!
Caz:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (Takes breath, still running towards them. She is dressed in a Samuri outfit and has two swords) OOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! !!!!!!!!!
Caz: Hiiiiiiiiyyaaaaaa! (Karate chops first Nazgul ,whacks second with swords, slices three orcs in half, ect…)
Merry: (turns to Jane) where did she learn to fight like that?
Jane: She didn't. She just saw Legolas in trouble and…well, see what I mean? (Caz has just bashed the heads of two cave trolls together and crushed half a dozen orcs by dropping the bodies on them).
Borimir: (Slicing up a couple of orcs himself) it's no good! We're done for!
Witch King: Baaagggginsssss…give ussss…ring…
Frodo: Eeep!
Aragorn: Damn it, Caz! I told you to get an army!
Caz: (spins around and kills twenty orcs) I did my best! (She points, then knocks three Uruk-Hai into a Nazgul).
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy and Pippin come running down the slope (somehow). They reach the fellowship and starting blowing things up.
Sam: WAAAAH! We're gonna die!
Malfoy: See! SEE! I told you my ability to apperate would come in handy! Grab hold, everyone! (Everyone grabs his out-stretched arm, including Caz, who comes back-flipping down to meet them).
Malfoy: Poof!
Somebody: Where are we?
Somebody else: Not in a pigs, rectum, at any rate.
Somebody else again: What?
Malfoy: It worked! Told you it would work!
Pippin: Somebody's biting my foot!
Borimir: Get your foot out of my mouth!
Aragorn: Ow! Did I just stab someone?
Frodo: Gasp! Choke! Agony! No, only joking, I'm OK.
Sam: Somebody's sitting on my head!
Ron: Whoops, that's me.
Caz: I saved you Legolas! Now will you give me just one little kiss?
Legolas: (Shudder) why?
Caz: PLEASE!
Legolas: ….um….well, this isn't leading to anything! (He finds Caz in the dark and pecks her on the cheek. Caz grabs his and snogs him hard out).
Legolas: NOOOO! (he falls backwards, and a door flies open. Everyone tumbles out onto a floor, out of the cupboard of S9 at a certain school how they all fitted in there I don't know)
Isreali guy with american accent: Caz! Jane! There you are! Who are all these people?
Jane: Crap.
Caz: (Sigh) I'm love Legolas.
Author: Ha ha! Thought you could get away without me screwing up your story totally once again, did you? PREPARE TO MEET MY CLASSMATES!
Somebody: Hey, whatever happened to Gandalf and Gimli?
Author: Crap.
Far, far way…
Gandalf: We've been walking for hours. Where are we?
Gimli: I dunno, but there's all these big metal birds flying about in the sky.
Gandalf: And there's a big building with lots of taxis in front of it.
Gimli: Airport, I guess.
Gandalf: Look at this! (Reaches down and pick something up off the ground) What are these?
Gimli: It says: "Plane tickets," one say "Harry Potter and Ron Weasly," and the other says, "Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger."
Gandalf: Hmm. We could use this.
Far, far away, there is the sound of a large bird being briefly, but noisily, ill. (A/N if you've read a certain sick but entertaining book, you'll know what I mean.)
Damn…I told myself I wasn't going to have so much violence in this chapter. Oh well. Please don't sue me.
Thanks for reading! Please, no flames! Another chapter soon! Review if you can.
Next Time: When the hobbits met Scobi and Joe! (maybe I should actually change their names this time…)
Sorry I haven't written anything for ages, I'm kinda working on about six stories at once!
Note: Caz, please don't kill me. Jane, please don't kill me. Jenny, please don't send Draco after me to kill me. I know I shouldn't use names but I'm a sorry sight when it comes to giving people normal names. Oh well, I can always buy a hippy bus and run away from you lot with Sean Biggestaff and Pippin.
1 Chapter three: The Suitcase
Note: there are no suitcases in this fanfic.
Pippin: I'm hungry
Merry: I'm tired
Pippin: I'm thirsty
Merry: I'm sore
Sam: (sobbing into hanky) Please, let me have a moment of silence in honour of poor Mr Frodo.
Aragron: For god's sake Sam, this is the millionth moment of silence! There are only so many moments of silence you can have for one person!
Pippin: Besides, he's not dead yet.
Sam: (Sobbing louder) Frodo! Oh Frodo, how could you die on me?
Merry: HE'S NOT DEAD YET!
Sam: (lies on ground having a tantrum and screaming) He's dead! Oh, he's dead! WAAAAAAAAAH!
Borimir hit's Sam on the head with his sword, picks up the unconscious hobbit and throws him over his shoulder.
Pippin & Merry: Aww, do we have to take him with us? Can't we just dump him down a cliff?
Legolas: (Pops out of tree) where's Gimli?
Everyone looks around. Gimli has disappeared.
Borimir: (Hands Sam to Pippin) We better split up. (Proceeds to make cow noises behind Aragron's back).
Aragorn: What did he say before he left, since I wasn't paying attention?
Pippin: (Collapses under Sam's weight) I think he needed to pee.
Merry: I thought he went to pick flowers.
Pippin: Yum! Flowers!
Gimli is walking through the forest, picking flowers (sorry, I don't mean to say he's gay, I just can't help totally mutilating Gimli's character).
Gandalf: (Popping out of a log) None of us should be walking alone, Master Dwarf. Least of all you.
Gimli: (hiding flowers behind back) And that would seem like wisdom, but for the warning in my heart
Gandalf: Warning? What warning? I want only the strength to defend my people!
Gimli backs away, flowers still clutched behind his back.
Gandalf: Why do you fear me? We're all afraid, Gimli. But to let that fear drive us to chuck jandals at people, that is madness. Why do you fear me?
Gimli: You are not yourself.
Gandalf: (a/n sorry, I'm skipping bits here) THEY SHOULD BE MINE! Give them to me!
Gimli: NO! (They both fall over, the flowers are crushed) oh no! Look what you've done!
Gandalf: Gimli? Oh, I'm sorry! A madness took me, I just had to get those flowers!
Gimli: Well, Mr Wizard, why don't you get your own?
Gandalf: Those ones are the nicest. Here, let me fix them (reaches for flowers).
Gimli: No! (Pulls flowers away).
Gandalf tries to grab the flowers, they both fall over again, and start rolling down the hill. This is a New Zealand hill, remember, and they can get pretty steep and pretty screwy…
Gimli and Gandalf: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Everyone hears the screams. They jump up (Including Sam, since he's woken up) and look around.
Legolas: That sounded like Gandalf and Gimli!
Borimir: We had better find them! (He makes a good impression of a chicken behind Aragron's back).
Aragron: We will wait until nightfall.
Merry: Why?
Aragorn: Since Gandalf's dead, I'm in charge. Mwa ha ha!
Pippin: So why do we have to wait until nightfall?
Aragron: Silence, mere mortal halfling! (Grabs Pippin by scruff of the neck and chucks him down the hill).
Pippin: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Legolas: That sounded like Pippin!
Merry: Well, duh! Strider just chucked my cousin down a cliff!
Borimir: Well, I'm not going to find him. He kicked me! (Continues by making a duck impression behind Aragorn's back).
Merry: (calling down cliff) Pippin!
Sam: Frodo!
Legolas: Gimli! Gandalf!
Borimir: I think we had better count to see how many people have not been wiped out by that stupid author.
Author: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME STUPID! (Turns all of Borimir's clothes pink).
Legolas: (Not realising that there's anything wrong) One, two, three…four.(Forgets to count himself) Five of our companions are missing.
Sam: Oh no! Merry's gone too!
Merry: No I'm not! (to Legolas) You stupid blond! You forgot to count yourself.
Caz: (pops out of rock) Don't you call my elf stupid! Oh, how could you Merry! I have no choice but to kill you!
Merry: No! Don't kill me! It's Pippin you want to kill, not me!
Caz: Yeah, I do like you better. But I don't want to kill Pippin – I just want to wring his little neck sometimes. It's Jane that wants to kill Pippin.
Jane: (Pops out of Aragorn) And I would have succeeded by now, if it wasn't for that damn author!
Author: (pops out of a chicken) Look, if you people just won't stop insulting me, I will be forced to take drastic measures!
Jane: Such as….
Author: Permanently changing your character so that they never hate Pippin again! I can do that, you know!
Jane: Noooooo! I won't kill him!
Author: Well, I had him chucked down a cliff anyway, just in case, so you can't touch him.
Jane: (behind Author's back) he he he…I will find Pippin…and then….(makes slapping motion with her palm as if swatting a bug).
Caz: Where's Legolas? Leggy, darling, I want to meet you!
Legolas is hiding behind Borimir (because he's fangirlphobic), who is hiding behind Aragorn (so no one sees his clothes) who is hiding behind Merry and Sam, (because he feels like it.)
Author: Please get on with the story, people. Mush, mush!
Everyone stares at her.
Author: (Shrugs) hey, it's what my mum always says. Besides, you have better start listening to me or I'll out all the guys into fluffy bunny suits and drop them into a pit of rabid fangirls, then I'll get you two (points at Caz and Jane) and make sure you never see Legolas or Orlando Bloom again!
Everyone stares for a moment after this long and tedious threat.
Jane & Caz: but…but we're not even supposed to be here!
Author: I need someone to fill the gaps of the people who have fallen down cliffs. Now what did I just say? WELL? Go look for Gimli and Legolas!
Sam & Merry: (whining) I thought we were looking for Frodo and Pippin!
Author: Later! They're safe. Well, Frodo's not, but he will be just as soon as hell freezes over.
Caz: Can I snog Legolas on the way?
Author: If you can catch him (Legolas has just bolted for his sanity).
Author disappears. The fellowship (or what's left of it) gathers together and begin walking towards the horizon.
In a forest not so far away, at about the same time…
Frodo: LET ME DOWN!
Witch King: (In high creepy voice) He, he, he! First, bow to us, mortal scum!
Frodo: Bow to you? BOW TO YOU?! I am hanging by my ankles from a TREE! I couldn't bow to a CHIPMUNK to save my own skin!
Nazgul 1: (whispering together) He does have a point.
Nazgul 2: I'm sick of him complaining that the blood is flowing to his brain.
Nazgul 3: And wailing that the circulation to his ankles has been cut off.
Nazgul 4: And that he's hungry…
Nazgul 5: And thirsty…
Nazgul 6: And bored…
Witch King: Silence! I decide what we do with the prisoner! ME! Not you!
Nazguls 1 – 6: Aww! Screw you!
All nazguls (+ Witch King) but Nazgul 7 – 8 wander off. (A/N Sorry about numbers, but…well… how do you name a ringwraith?)
Nazgul 7 & 8 are left guarding the tree where Frodo is hanging. While they are not looking, he pulls himself up the rope and sits on the branch, pulls out a pipe, and starts to smoke (don't even ask what).
Nazgul 7: I'm sooo bored, Darling.
Nazgul 8 (Hereby to be called "darling"): Oh, Sweetie, I know what you mean.
Nazgul 7 (Hereby to be called "sweetie"): What are we doing here, Darling? Why did we ever leave Minis Morgul?
Darling: Look, take a peek at this to keep your mind off things (Frodo, listening from above, pulls back in revulsion, but "Darling" merely pulls up it's sleeve)
Sweetie: Oh what a lovely little bracelet, Darling!
Darling: I nicked it off something dead back at Minis Tirith.
Sweetie: Oh, don't let Witch King see it. He'll go crazy and probably send you off to Barad Dur to have your brain scanned.
Darling: (Shudders) You mean Bitch King! And I don't have a brain, I'm half dead.
Sweetie giggles, which is a very creepy sound to hear from a Ringwraith.
Darling: I have something for you, too…(Leans over and kisses "Sweetie". Frodo makes chocking noises whilst sticking his middle finger down his throat).
Sweetie: (recovering composure and going all creepy again) Shut up, half- pint!
Frodo: That's halfling to you!
Darling: You just wait until we get the ring off you!
Frodo: Just try it! You don't even know where it is. ("Darling" grumbles.)
Frodo: But anyway, I have a little deal for you. If you set me free, I'll give you the ring and you can take it to Sauron himself.
Darling: We don't need that! We'll find the ring anyway.
Frodo: Ah! But there's the catch. If you don't let me go, I'll tell the Witch King that you two are gay! If he would get mad about a bracelet, I'm betting he'll go beserk if he finds out two of his soldiers are snogging!
Darling and Sweetie look at each other.
Both Nazgul: Blackmail! No! We couldn't live without each other! Please, we'll do anything!
Frodo: I think we can make this worth both our whiles…
A long way away… well, actually, once again, it's not really far away, and it's still almost the same time…
Pippin: (Wakes up rubbing head) Ow! Stupid Strider! I'll get that ranger if it kills me. (Looks down at leg, sees large gash) argh! It's almost killed me already!
Evil voice out of shadows: Sssss…look at what I here have found…a little mouse sitting on the ground…
Pippin: (Tries to stand up, but leg gives way) Eeep! Don't kill me!
Evil voice which has gotten considerably closer by now: One little mouse alone, where are it's friends…? By the dusk of the day I'll have it me my ends…
Pippin: (Wailing) HEEEELP! Borimir! Gandalf! Strider! Merry! Anybody!!!!! (There's no sound but the dripping of leaves).
Evil voice right next to Pippin's ear: Little mouse, little mouse, you'll be mine to take…little mouse, little mouse, I'll make you break…
Pippin spins around. A blond boy is standing behind him, grinning evilly. At the sight of Pippin's face, he's cracks up laughing and rolls around on the ground, clutching his sides.
Harry Potter: (Coming out of the trees) good one, Malfoy!
Ron: Did you see his face? That'll teach you to chat up with my girl! (All three boys are laughing hard out by now).
Hermione: That wasn't funny, Draco! I'm ashamed of all three of you! Ok, maybe it was funny, but it was still mean! Poor Pip!
Pippin: Hermione! (She runs up and hugs him and they snog passionately. Ron makes chocking noises whilst sticking his middle finger down his throat. Harry elbows him.)
Malfoy: (in usual drawling voice) Well, if you two are done, I think we should probably keep moving.
Harry: Keep moving where? We're lost!
Malfoy: Well is that my fault?
Ron: Yes! You were supposed to pick us up and take us to the airport.
Hermione: And you lost our plane tickets.
Malfoy: Well, I'll just apperate you all…
Hermione, Ron & Harry: NO!
Malfoy: Look, I've been practising for AGES! Just let me give it a try!
Harry: Get real! We'll probably end up somewhere way out in the middle of a pigs rectum!
Ron: A what?
Pippin: Well, as long as we're all lost, why don't we stick together and find the rest of the fellowship? Sam probably wouldn't notice if you stole his pony and nicked off to the airport.
Hermione: Yes, let's go!
Malfoy: Yes, let's go throw the runt down a well.
Ron: (At the same time as malfoy) Yes, let's go throw Malfoy down a well.
Harry: (At the same time as Ron) Yes, let's go all throw ourselves down a well and save us all the trouble.
Pippin: Fine! (Pulls out a cell phone, dials something) Hello? Elrond? No, I'm fine, not. Is it possible for you to assassinate people over long distances? I know you were in some mob when you were younger but…yes. No, no, we must be more the fifty miles from Rivendell. Oh well. Just that I want to pay Strider back for…yes, I said Strider. Well he…
Malfoy: (grabs phone and turns it off) God damn it! I hate cell phones!
Pippin: Hey!
Ron: (Grabs phone) What is it?
Pippin: It's a cell phone, you prehistoric buffoon!
Ron: Shut your face, you miserable little leprechaun!
Pippin: Get lost, you freckle nosed, brain-dead heathen!
Ron: You get lost, fat faced, girl-friend stealing, ugly, piggy, foolish, little worm!
Pippin jumps on Ron and they start rolling around on the ground, yelling and screaming more insults at each other.
Harry: Ron! Ron, you don't have to kill him! (there is no sign of this happening. Ron is being pinned down by the tiny figure who is kicking him.)
Hermione: Peregrine Took, stop this at once! (She grabs Pippin around the waist and hauls him off Ron.)
Ron: What did you do that for, I was just about to waste him!
Malfoy: (Cracks up into hysterical laughter.)
Pippin: He started it! Stupid stick-insect!
Ron: What did you just call me?
Pippin: A stick insect.
Ron: Oh…Ok…then… um.
Malfoy: C'mon. Let's get out of this stupid forest.
Everyone follows Malfoy.
Back with what's left of the fellowship…
Caz: PLEEEEEZE Legolas! I LOOOOOOVE you!
Legolas: (Refuses to come down from tree) no! P*** off!
Caz: (Begins crying) don't you see? Just one kiss from your tender lips and…
Jane: For god's sake, Caz! Pull yourself together! He's a fangirlphobic, he's not going near you!
Aragorn: (Returns to group, where everyone has been watching the odd performance between Caz and Legolas) I have a lead! My special-super-hobbit- finding-gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine has picked up a reading!
Everyone: Finally!
Jane: I didn't think you'd ever get that thing to work.
Aragorn: (Brandishing what looks like a cross between a cell-phone, a TV remote and an egg carton) Of course it works, milady! It was designed by myself!
Jane mimics Aragorn sarcastically behind the ranger's back, next to Borimir who is miming swimming around in circles. Caz sits and stares forlornly at Legolas, who glares back from the tree.
Merry: If your gadget thingie detects hobbits, how do you know it's not Pippin it's picking up?
Aragorn: Ah, Merry, there's something I have to tell you, (Puts arm around Merry like a loving father-figure. Merry shuffles away slightly) I don't know if you're old enough to know this, Merry, but I hope your ready. As I was walking around, picking up signals on my special-super-hobbit-finding- gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine, I came across a very sad sight. There lay a little skeleton, with poor Pippin's scarf around it. I'm sorry to tell you this, Merry, but your cousin has…(Aragorn brushes an imaginary tear from his eye)…passed away unto the heavens (sniff).
Merry: What!? But I only saw him a few hours ago!
Aragorn: It only takes a few hours for such a sorrowful tragedy to occur.
Merry: Can I see his…uh…remains?
Aragorn: Sadly, no.
Merry: Why the bloody hell NOT?!?
Aragorn: I buried him. Fear not, young hobbit, for your companions are beside you, and we will see you pull through this step in your life. (He walks away, leaving Merry sitting quietly on his own).
Jane: (Walks up eating an apple she nicked off Sam) You know, that ranger's not all that bad a liar, (she pat's Merry on the back) don't worry! I won't let anyone kill Pippin but me.
Merry: Great. I'm totally relieved.
Jane: (Ignoring sarcasm) That's good (Looks over at Jane) oh s**t – Caz! Caz you're going to fall! Get down from there!
Finally everyone gets under control. Aragorn (who, I'm sad to report, is turning into a control-freak) leads the fellowship of in the direction that the special-super-hobbit-finding-gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine is bleeping.
special-super-hobbit-finding-gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine: Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!
Caz: ShutupshutupSHUTUP!
Sam: It sounds like a sheep with asthma!
Aragorn: Look you mangy half-wits, do you want to find Frodo or not?
Sam: Frodo! (Starts crying once more)
Borimir: Oh, look what you did now!
Legolas: Aragorn, you need to take social lessons! You were bad enough when you were loner, your even worse now that you're a control freak!
Aragorn: Stupid blond! It's called leadership! Can't your measly brain process that?
Legolas: (pouting) there's nothing wrong with blondes!
Aragorn: (sarcastically, in high-pitched voice) Oh! There's nothing wrong with blondes! Oh, look! I'm Legolas! I'm so beautiful! I like to walk around shooting arrows at everything and playing with my hair!
Legolas: Yes well at least I have hair!
Aragorn: I have hair!
Legolas: That's not hair! That's melted plastic! That's raw wool that's been shoved up a pig's rectum!
Sam: A what?
Aragorn: Why you…!
Legolas and Aragorn circle each other. As their emotions over came their sense, the two anchient rivals felt a power charging inside them…fuelling their anger…strengthening their magical hatred…
Jane: Who's reading the script? Who's saying those stupid lines?
Merry: Look! A big ball of light!
Sam: On Legolas and strider!
A big ball of light on Legolas and Aragorn gets bigger. Lots of magic, yadda, yadda. Borimir grabs Caz, Caz grabs Legolas and Merry, Merry grabs Sam, Sam grabs Jane, Jane grabs Bill the Pony, Bill the Pony Pokes Aragorn with his nose, there's a big flash.
Boom.
Everyone coughs. Sam brushes Bill the pony. Jane and Caz wipe sparks off their clothes. Borimir waxes his surf board. (What? He can surf!) Legolas brushes soot out of his hair. Caz brushes soot out of Legolas's hair. Somewhere, not far away, somebody chokes. No, it's not the people reading this fic who are so disgusted by my lack of writing skills and total randomness.
Legolas: Where are we?
Sam: Look! Two gay Nazgul!
Merry: Great Sam, their probably friends of yours.
Jane: They haven't seen us yet! Hurry, behind that convinient big rock over there!
Everybody runs and hides behind convinient big rock.
Aragorn: Right. Legolas, go down that slope. If anything comes down it, shoot it. Caz, go find some army or something. Those riders of Rohan or whatever – they'll do. The rest of us will make a surprise attack and grab Frodo – wherever he is – and run. Got it?
The rest of them: Right. This plan sucks.
Aragorn: You come up with something better!
Caz leaves. Legolas walks down hill, out of sight. Everyone else rolls their eyes at Aragorn.
Aragorn: Ready? ATTAAAAAACK! (He runs off to attack. Everyone sighs and follows).
Darling: (Talking to Frodo) try blackmailing us like this, why don'tcha!?
Sweetie: Rotten halfling! (Suddenly the realise there's a crazy Ranger attacking them).
Sweetie: Not you again! (weather-top, remember?)
(everyone else attacks too. Sweetie and Darling scream girlishly and run away).
Sam: (hugs Frodo) Frodo! Oh, what have they done to you?
Frodo has been wrapped up tightly in a wide roll of bubble-wrap. He has several fantails shoved in his mouth (A/N no animal cruelty intended!)
Frodo: MMPH MMMNNN MUUUFF!
Borimir: We must get him to safety!
Aragorn: Quick! Roll him down the hill!
Jane: Didn't you tell Legolas…
Aragorn: Silence, woman! Do as I say! (He gives Frodo a kick and rolls him down the hill).
Frodo: NNNNNOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo(fades away).
Sam: Frodo!
Merry: Uh..heads up…heh heh heh…
All the rest of the Nazgul have popped up. They all draw swords. Behind them is a huge army of orcs and trolls.
Aragorn: Eeep! This is beyond even my superior fighting skills!
Borimir: RUUUUN!
Everybody runs. Straight down the hill. They are narrowly missed by several arrows before Legolas realises who it is.
Legolas: Idiots! Look, I already shot Frodo! (He points at Frodo, who has been shot. Luckily, his large layer of bubble-wrap has protected him.)
Jane: We have top get out of here!
Legolas: Where? (Points behind his. There is a solid rock wall at the end of the slope.
Sam: Trapped! At least I'm with Frodo…(throws himself at Frodo).
Frodo: Are you sure you're not gay, Sam.
Sam: I swear Frodo! I still have to get married to a girl and have thirteen kids, remember?
Merry: Incoming! (Orcs, Trolls, Nazguls, Giants Eyes, ect, are coming down the hill.)
Sweetie: (Points at Legolas) Oh! He's cute!
Darling: (Points at Frodo) But look at his eyes!
Witch King: Shut up! (Bashes gay Nazgul around head).
Everybody: ARGHHHHHHH!
Caz:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (Takes breath, still running towards them. She is dressed in a Samuri outfit and has two swords) OOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! !!!!!!!!!
Caz: Hiiiiiiiiyyaaaaaa! (Karate chops first Nazgul ,whacks second with swords, slices three orcs in half, ect…)
Merry: (turns to Jane) where did she learn to fight like that?
Jane: She didn't. She just saw Legolas in trouble and…well, see what I mean? (Caz has just bashed the heads of two cave trolls together and crushed half a dozen orcs by dropping the bodies on them).
Borimir: (Slicing up a couple of orcs himself) it's no good! We're done for!
Witch King: Baaagggginsssss…give ussss…ring…
Frodo: Eeep!
Aragorn: Damn it, Caz! I told you to get an army!
Caz: (spins around and kills twenty orcs) I did my best! (She points, then knocks three Uruk-Hai into a Nazgul).
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy and Pippin come running down the slope (somehow). They reach the fellowship and starting blowing things up.
Sam: WAAAAH! We're gonna die!
Malfoy: See! SEE! I told you my ability to apperate would come in handy! Grab hold, everyone! (Everyone grabs his out-stretched arm, including Caz, who comes back-flipping down to meet them).
Malfoy: Poof!
Somebody: Where are we?
Somebody else: Not in a pigs, rectum, at any rate.
Somebody else again: What?
Malfoy: It worked! Told you it would work!
Pippin: Somebody's biting my foot!
Borimir: Get your foot out of my mouth!
Aragorn: Ow! Did I just stab someone?
Frodo: Gasp! Choke! Agony! No, only joking, I'm OK.
Sam: Somebody's sitting on my head!
Ron: Whoops, that's me.
Caz: I saved you Legolas! Now will you give me just one little kiss?
Legolas: (Shudder) why?
Caz: PLEASE!
Legolas: ….um….well, this isn't leading to anything! (He finds Caz in the dark and pecks her on the cheek. Caz grabs his and snogs him hard out).
Legolas: NOOOO! (he falls backwards, and a door flies open. Everyone tumbles out onto a floor, out of the cupboard of S9 at a certain school how they all fitted in there I don't know)
Isreali guy with american accent: Caz! Jane! There you are! Who are all these people?
Jane: Crap.
Caz: (Sigh) I'm love Legolas.
Author: Ha ha! Thought you could get away without me screwing up your story totally once again, did you? PREPARE TO MEET MY CLASSMATES!
Somebody: Hey, whatever happened to Gandalf and Gimli?
Author: Crap.
Far, far way…
Gandalf: We've been walking for hours. Where are we?
Gimli: I dunno, but there's all these big metal birds flying about in the sky.
Gandalf: And there's a big building with lots of taxis in front of it.
Gimli: Airport, I guess.
Gandalf: Look at this! (Reaches down and pick something up off the ground) What are these?
Gimli: It says: "Plane tickets," one say "Harry Potter and Ron Weasly," and the other says, "Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger."
Gandalf: Hmm. We could use this.
Far, far away, there is the sound of a large bird being briefly, but noisily, ill. (A/N if you've read a certain sick but entertaining book, you'll know what I mean.)
Damn…I told myself I wasn't going to have so much violence in this chapter. Oh well. Please don't sue me.
Thanks for reading! Please, no flames! Another chapter soon! Review if you can.
Next Time: When the hobbits met Scobi and Joe! (maybe I should actually change their names this time…)