Started on March 9, 2002 and finished on March 10, 2002.
Revised on April 8, 2002.
Reflections Part 4: New Beginnings.
Red Horsman
* * * *
Is it wrong to dwell too much on the past?
As Asuka nears the end of her pregnancy I find myself dwelling on the past,
confirming that I'm not repeating it. I remember that I used to do a lot of
thinking before Third Impact and Instrumentality, going to my room to think of
what had happened in the past instead of concentrating on the present or the
future. But who could blame me with everything that had happened to me after my
mother died. My father was normally the center of my introspection as I wondered
if he loved me or even if he needed me in his life. That want, and that need to
know why things had happened in the past only increased when he called me back
into his life, only to become a tool. After Instrumentality I soon realized that
man would have never fulfilled my questions and my need for answers, as we were
too different to connect. The man that abandoned me on the train platform years
ago was not the man that my mother fell in love with and who helped raise me
for a few years. Asuka has told me many times during her pregnancy that I'm
not like that man and I know that.
But still I just don't want to throw away my past no matter how much I want to
concentrate on my future. My past holds so many lessons, both the good and the
bad, that I have no choice but to keep going back to it every now and then.
Staring at Asuka as she sleeps next to a fire I know that my past will soon no
longer be relevant to our present and future. The boy who was quiet and withdrawn
has to be sealed away for our child's well being. Running away from reality, like
I had done so many times in the past is no longer an option for my family or me.
I admit that at times I have wanted to run away from the doubt and worry of
raising a child or that I may lose Asuka. But I will not follow in my father's
footsteps and abandon my responsibilities to Asuka and our child. Still despite
my promises to be a pillar of strength for Asuka I continue to worry, and this
trip does nothing to calm my fears.
"Shinji."
Asuka calmly looks at me from her makeshift bed as she waits for me to join
her so we can get enough sleep before our early start. Despite the scowl on her
face she is still the most beautiful girl I have known and at the same time the
most confusing. I know a lot about her from the time our minds and souls joined,
I know what her fears are and what her hopes are. But even with that knowledge
she does things that throw me off track, or which I think are too stupid for us
to be doing. Like this trip to Tokyo-3 with barely a month left before she gives
birth. We should be back in our house where she can be comfortable and I don't
have to worry that much about preparations or mistakes. But I can't deny her
anything, even after we argue about it for days.
"You coming to bed or do you want to freeze." Her voice is impatient, yet
she isn't commanding me.
"Sorry."
Before she can complain about that one word I slip quickly between the
blankets and sleeping bags that make up our temporary bed. Our lips easily meet
in soft kiss like they have done over the past year. Gently I place one hand
on her rounded abdomen and stroke it and the child in her womb. When I do that
simple gesture many of my fears of repeating my father's mistakes disappear
and the only thing I can think about are the two most important people in the
world.
"There's nothing to worry about Shinji," comments Asuka after we break the
kiss. "We can still make it back before I pop."
Propping myself up on one elbow I stare at her back lit by the fire. "That
is just it Asuka. We don't know how accurate your calculations are. You could
be a week off, which means that." I stop as a soft hand rests against my
cheek.
"Stop worrying Shinji, please." I hate it when she takes a pleading tone
with me as I feel like crap when she does. "I recalculated three times and I
had been keeping track of my period before I got pregnant." She places a finger
against my lips stopping my rebuttal. "Get some sleep. There isn't much we can
gain by arguing, when it's time I'll give birth and nothing can stop it."
"Can't I still worry?"
"Not when it annoys me." With that Asuka pulls the blankets up around us.
Quietly I admit defeat and lean back, resting my head on one of my arms to
study the night sky. Despite her tough exterior I know that there is a scared
young woman who is trying to convince not only me, but herself as well that
things will turn out okay. When Asuka lets the scared girl out it is the
saddest sight, even more so since I know her past and what she had gone through
as a little girl. At those times I feel my past slipping further away as I
reaffirm my promise never to run away again, but most importantly I promised
to love her no matter what happens and that is one promise I will never break.
It is with that thought that I finally close my eyes and let sleep overcome
me.
- - - -
"Well for someone that was against this trip, you sure look better."
I tear my gaze from the ruins of Tokyo-3 on either side of us, and silently
turn to look at Asuka as she stops Yume next to me. She is riding sidesaddle to
minimize the pressure on her stomach as much as possible. Dismounting I make my
way to her side, and reach up to support her as she carefully gets out of the
saddle. With barely a nod of her head Asuka acknowledges my help and takes a
moment to stretch out the kinks of a four-hour ride. Her face has this look of
surprise on it, and she wraps her arms around her midsection.
"What's wrong?" I ignore the worry in my voice and simply hold Asuka.
She doesn't answer me for a few moments. "It's nothing, just some sensation
that I haven't felt before." She weakly smiles at me before straightening. "Don't
worry."
"No. I will worry if that's all right."
"Fine." With that she pushes me off of her and stalks away with Tenshi
following her.
Running my fingers through my hair I sigh in frustration before grabbing
the reins of both horses and start after Asuka. She is easy to follow in her
yellow dress and how slowly works her way trough the debris and rubble of
fallen houses. My worry and frustration slowly disappear as we make our way to
the other side of the ruined city towards a special place. Two hours later
we finally approach the obsidian markers of the cemetery, the only area that
was not devastated by Third Impact. Tethering the horses Asuka and I slowly
make our way towards a recent row of crudely made markers.
"Now you know why I had to come Shinji." Asuka's voice is a whisper as
she leans on one of the markers.
Reading the name and date on the marker I suddenly understand Asuka's
motivation for traveling in her condition. "I'm sorry, but I forgot."
She sadly shakes her head. "It's not your fault. After all Hikari was my
best friend, it's just natural for me to remember."
Slowly I wrap my arms around Asuka, feeling a tear land on my arm as she
trembles. I feel bad that I had forgotten that Hikari's birthday was today,
but I feel that she would have forgiven me. Hikari would probably have chewed
me out; first for getting Asuka pregnant, and second for allowing her to travel
in her condition. The health of Asuka would have been more important to the
class representative than Asuka coming to her grave, but for Asuka it's the
other way around. It was Hikari's selflessness in helping others and being
nonjudgmental that lead her to become Asuka's best friend, and I know it had
a profound impact on Asuka. Friends were a rare commodity for Asuka back then
and she cherished that friendship with Hikari.
"Can you give me some time alone Shinji?"
"Okay." I remove my arms from around her and start down the row.
I understand why Asuka wants to be alone at Hikari's grave at a time like
this. She is feeling alone and scared despite my presence because there are
things that she can not talk to me about, even though Asuka knows there will
be no response it will help. And it pains me to know that there are certain
things I have not told her because she wouldn't have understood my feelings
or emotions. There is no Kaji in this world to go to when I want help or
guidance on some subjects. Yet I think that Kaji would have reminded me to my
own decisions and accept the outcome of those decisions. But I don't think
that even Kaji could have envisioned the loneliness and solitude of being the
only humans alive. How not being able to talk to others beside that one other
person can be taxing, no matter how much they love each other.
Blinking my eyes I leave my thoughts behind for a moment as my knees connect
with hard stone. Smiling faintly I read the headstone that my feet have carried
me to while my brain was occupied. Turning my head I can see the silhouette of
Asuka up on a nearby hill still at Hikari's grave. I wonder what mother would
think of Asuka, whether she would approve of the person I love. Would she
accept all of Asuka's faults and try to understand her instead of pitying her?
What would she tell Asuka of motherhood, of love, and life itself? Sadly I
can't imagine any of those answers, yet I feel that mother would have
accepted Asuka. My father's reaction I don't even want to imagine, that
somehow he would have turned it to his advantage and used us. He would probably
tell us that we were using each other for support.
"But isn't that love?" I ask the black stone. "To be there for each other
when others can't or won't be there for support."
The stone silently stands there, unable to answer my question and I turn
around angrily. It is only because of that turn that I see Asuka sink to
her knees, clutching her abdomen. In shock I stand here for a moment before
racing through the rows of grave markers to reach her side. She is breathing
hard with one hand on Hikari's marker and the other on the ground. I realize
what those sensations must be as I carefully help her to her feet. My frown
disappears as I see the pain in Asuka's eyes and the worry kicks in.
"Why did you lie to me?"
She tries to scowl but sighs instead. "Because I had to talk to Hikari,
okay." My response dies as she gently grips my hand. "Would you believe that
I'm just as surprised as you?"
"Labor is nothing to joke about Asuka."
"I know but." She stops and stares at the ground.
Her shoulders tremble as I rub them slowly. "This isn't just about you or
us anymore. We have to think about our child now.
"I'm sorry Shinji. It's just that I wanted to talk to Hikari." This time her
voice cracks. "You don't know how hard this is for me."
Wrapping an arm around her we slowly walk back to where the horses wait. I
don't say a word as anything I would say could be taken the wrong way. Instead
I choose to be a silent presence as we make our way out of the cemetery and
towards one of our caches of supplies. Asuka doesn't need me to be angry with
her over something like coming to Hikari's grave, she needs me to be around her
and giving her as much love and care as I can. She is right in that I can't
understand what she is going through or what will be happening soon. All I hope
to do is to be as helpful and supportive as possible.
- - - -
I feel like shit as my words from days ago mock me.
Not since the Fifteenth Angel have I ever felt so useless and helpless in my
relationship with Asuka. All I have been able to do for the last hours is make
sure Asuka is as comfortable as possible while she has her contractions. Sitting
on the bed next to her I wipe the sweat from her face as another contraction
slowly dies away. The pains that she had felt when we had visited the cemetery
four days ago had been false birthing signs, and had been scary enough. It wasn't
until mid-morning today that the real contractions had begun and slowly grew
closer and closer together over eight hours. I jump slightly as a hand grabs mine
and squeezes lightly, causing me to look down into Asuka's eyes.
"Water, please."
It was her only request as she closed her eyes again and relaxed on the bed
waiting for the next wave of pain. Slowly I disengage my hand from hers and make
my way to the kitchen for a bottle of water. It's only when I look out the
window that I see Yume's ears are laid back against her head and her nostrils
are flared as she looks down a trail. Swallowing I grab the bottle of water
and race back to where Asuka is lying and where our packs are located. Setting
the bottle down I move to my pack and pull out one of our two revolvers with
homemade gunpowder. Standing I slip on my dark jacket over my white shirt and
give Asuka one last glance.
"Tenshi." The Labrador gets up at my call. Kneeling down I look into her
eyes. "Guard Asuka."
The dog cocks her head at my command before padding into the room and sits
at Asuka's side. Slapping my leg gets Oni's attention and he is at my side in a
few quick steps. Opening the door I let him slip out first before following him
out into the dying sunlight. We don't want any kinds of problems at the moment
but ignoring the warnings could be dangerous. We've seen feral dogs roaming in
packs and have had to shoot them for protection, but this time is different.
Asuka needs me at her side but the horses have to be protected. I move around
the corner, with my heart in my throat, towards Kenshin who is pawing at the
ground. As I grab his tether a black blur streaks past me as Oni has scented
something in the woods.
"Oni!" I yell but he doesn't stop at my call.
I don't dare move as the silence stretches on after Oni disappeared into the
brush. My heart almosts stops as a scream comes from out in the woods, a very
human scream. Glancing back at the house I decide that Asuka has Tenshi for
protection and I make my way towards the brush following Oni's tracks in the
soft dirt. After about fifty meters I find myself stepping into a small clearing
with Oni in the middle. His teeth are bared and his hackles are raised as he
paces back and forth, growling. I sink to my knees in shock as I see what has
gotten his attention. A group of five adults, that are trying to figure out
which of us was more dangerous, are gathered around a smaller group of children.
"Oni, come here!" I have to repeat the command a couple of times before he
comes and sits at my side.
Wrapping my arms around him I stare at the group waiting for someone to move.
My anger grows as nothing happens in the group for a few minutes. I have other
things to deal with at the moment like Asuka who has been alone for five minutes.
Standing up I place the revolver back in its holster and grab Oni's collar before
turning around. It's a dangerous thing to do but one of us has to show trust and
at the moment it will have to be me. Slowly I walk towards the edge of the
clearing in the direction of the house, ignoring the sounds behind me. The sun
is sinking behind the mountains as I enter through the door and make my way
towards Asuka.
"Where have you been?" She asks sharply.
Holding up a hand I go around the room and light the various gas lamps. After
that I stoke the fire before getting dinner warmed up. I can feel Asuka's eyes
on my back as she patiently waits for my answer, but I can see that she
is not as patient as I thought. Her arms are crossed over her abdomen and her
eyes are glaring at me as I bring a bowl of oatmeal for her.
"There's people outside." Her eyes widen at my answer.
"Idiot! How come you don't look happy or invited them in."
I simply stare at her stomach and she gets my answer.
"Sorry but I thought..."
Asuka stops in midsentence as she closes her eyes as contraction hits her. I
want to hit myself as I should have known that another one was due. The only
good thing was that she didn't have one while I was gone when she would have been
alone in the house. Her breath comes in short, fast gasps as she digs her nails
into the palm of my hand. I gently stroke her head as her body goes through the
motions as it nears the end of her pregnancy. As the pain continues I worry
that maybe this is the time and I nervously make my way to the end of the bed.
"Excuse me."
The voice penetrates my worry and stop my actions, causing me to whip my head
around towards the door. Standing in the doorway with his hands raised is a
gaunt man in his middle twenties staring me while Oni and Tenshi growl at him.
Standing I walk over to him and stop about three feet away, studying him. I
should be happy that humans have finally returned and we won't have to be alone
anymore but the timing is all wrong. I don't have time to help the survivors
get organized.
"That was bad," I mutter, slapping my forehead. The survivors had just
returned from being LCL and I didn't care what happened to them. How selfish am
I that I don't care what happens to them. What would Asuka say about that? It's
that answer that I don't want to think about. "Look Mr.."
"Just call me Ryo for the moment."
"Look Ryo I don't want to seem callous or rude but this is not the time for
me to be talking." I turn around and glance at Asuka. "I have more important
things..."
"I know that, but I can help since I was an EMT." The man paused. "Or at
least I think I was."
"And what is that supposed to mean?" I can't believe that this man wants to
help but can't even remember his past.
"Everything is a jumble in my head. I have thoughts and memories that I know
aren't mine, but…"
"You want us to trust you when you can't even remember what you did for a
living?" Asuka interrupts.
"Yes! Because my strongest thoughts are of my name and helping others."
I look over at Asuka and see the worry in her eyes, yet at the same time
understanding. This man was trying to sort out his life and he was clinging to
the few thoughts that he thought were his own. He was desperate to reestablish
his identity and life. Still how was I supposed to make the decision that would
affect Asuka and our child. Squeezing Asuka's hand I stare into her eyes.
"It's your decision, Asuka."
"Why is just my decision?"
I feel my face heat up as I answer. "Because he's going to be between your
legs, and not mine."
Her face goes red as she closes her eyes. I know that she is deciding
whether to trust this complete stranger, just like the time she came to fully
trust me. But this time it isn't simply her heart that she is placing in the
hands of another but the life of our child and her own. Also she had known me
before she had placed her heart in my hands while we have just seen this
stranger for five minutes. Yet as she opens her I can see that she has made her
decision.
"Okay."
"Asuka, please," I plead.
"Do you trust yourself to deliver our child Shinji? To know what to do if
something goes wrong or if a situation arises that needs a quick decision."
Her voice is calm. "This isn't just about you or me." Asuka takes my hand and
places it on her stomach. "It's also about her. I'm willing to trust him if it
means my daughter is born safely."
I have never felt so torn between obeying Asuka or protecting her, but I
have no choice since I told her it was her decision. Sadly I nod my head and
call the dogs away from the man. I close and bar the door behind him ensuring
that no more visitors will come unexpected. Going to one of the cabinets I pull
out all the supplies that we figured that we would need and carry the boxes
over to the table Ryo has pulled up to the foot of the bed. Again the feeling
of helplessness almost makes me want to run away, but instead I sit on the edge
of the bed and watch the man lay out the surprises.
"You do anything wrong or improper and you'll wish that you had never come
back."
"I wouldn't expect anything less." As he looks up I see that the confusion
is gone. "How far apart are her contraction?"
"Eight minutes."
"Good that gives us some time."
- - - -
It's selfish and slightly repulsive for me to admit that I'm glad I am a
male. But as I watch Asuka, with her face contorted in pain give birth, I know
that there is no way I could have endured it. I've handled a ton of emotional
pain throughout my life but I've escaped having to suffer any large physical
pains. The physical pain that had been inflicted upon me probably wouldn't even
come close to what Asuka is feeling as she draws another deep breath. She used
to joke nervously about what it would feel like trying to push a peg through
a hole; her words not mine. I'm sure right at this moment she is regretting
ever sleeping with me, yet she is suprisingly quiet with no threats against my
life or body.
"What's so funny?" I look down to see Asuka squinting at me as I grip her
hand.
"I'll tell you later, okay." She nods her head as I give her a kiss on the
forehead.
Looking down at the foot of the bed I watch as Ryo and two women are busy
keeping the cloths changed and the bed clean. I was surprised when Asuka agreed
to have two more people let into the house to help, since I thought she would
be embarrassed. Ryo glances up and winks at me, as he must have seen the puzzled
look on my face. Despite my reservations I have to say that he truly knows what
he is doing as he coaches Asuka with each breath. Pain shoots through my hand
as Asuka clenches it tighty in time with a cry, just before her body goes limp.
"Waah!" My tears flow as our child cries for the first time.
I'm torn between leaving Asuka's side and going to see our child or staying
at her side and wait for the baby to be brought to us. The decision is made
as Asuka keeps her hand around mine as she squeezes her eyes shut in pain. I
glance down to see surprise on Ryo's face as he finishes his task and hands the
baby to one of his helpers. She quickly wraps the baby in a blanket and stands
off to the side, rocking my child gently.
"What's wrong?" Ryo ignores me and continues his work. "What is wrong, Ryo?"
This time he glances up with humor on his face, "Well one is out but it
looks like there is another one in there." He glanced down between Asuka's legs.
"Let's see if it's a boy or another girl."
- - - -
"They're so small." Asuka's voice is filled with astonishment and love.
Lifting my gaze from our daughter in my arms I look over at Asuka as she
cradles our son. The returnees have left our house and gone to one of the
caches that we had directed them to except for Ryo. But even he has given us
room and time by going outside to supposedly think over what had recently
happened to him. I'm grateful for the solitude as Asuka is able to rest and we
can gaze at the newborns. Even I'm able to relax finally as the tension has
drained from my body after months of worry, but the doubt is still with me.
"I'm glad this is over."
Asuka stares questingly at me. "Why are you glad this is over? You didn't
have to carry our children or go through labor."
"Because I can finally give up my past." I move closer to Asuka but taking
care not to jostle the child in my arms. "No more thoughts of running away from
reality. No more comparing myself to my father or following in his footsteps."
"It's about time you put those thoughts out of your head." She moves closer
until we're touching each other. "After all I had to put my past behind me
months ago. I was beginning to wonder when you would catch up to the present."
"Then what were those nightmares about?"
Her smile is dangerous in its beauty. "Just nonsense." She snuggles closer.
"You really wouldn't have run, would you?"
"Probably not."
"Good. Everything is beginning anew and I wouldn't want you to miss out on
it."
I rest my chin on my chest and gaze at the baby in my arms as I think about
Asuka's words. The world would continue on with or without humans but that was
not what she was talking about. When we woke from Instrumentality we did not
have a clean slate but had to deal with the loss of humanity, and how our pasts
affected our relationship and us. Now with the birth of our children our slates
could be wiped clean of the past, and of worries and doubts. And with the
returnees humanity also now had a clean slate upon which to rebuild. Hopefully.
"A new beginning for everyone."
With those words Asuka goes silently and a few moments later I hear a light
snore come from her. Smiling I climb from the bed and walk over to the cradle
that had been assembled and place our daughter in it. Moving slowly, so as
not to wake Asuka, I pick up her son from her arms and take him over to where
his sister is resting. As I tuck the blankets around them I realize how lucky
I am to have made it this far in life for I have two new children and a beautiful
woman who loves me. Stepping outside I stare up into the night sky, a smile
plastered over my face.
"Happy to be a father?"
I spin around in surprise to see Ryo squatting next to the house, my smile
fading. I had wanted to be alone to soak up the happiness that I was feeling
but that was dashed. It always seems that when there are other people around I
can't get a time to myself. Still he deserves an answer to a legitimate
question.
"I'm extremely happy, but at the same time…"
"Scared stiff?" He gets up and walks over.
"Yes."
"I think all parents have doubts when they first have children, and since
you two are so young you are going to have more than the usual amount of
worry."
He doesn't know how true that it.
"How did you find us?" I inquire, my curiosity finally kicking and wanting
to change the subject away from families. "And when did you return?"
Ryo doesn't say anything for a few moments. "I guess it's been about two
weeks since we returned and wandered south along the coast. As for how we found
you we just walked towards the column of smoke." He points at the house's
chimney.
"What was it like?"
I watch as Ryo shakes his head and walks away, fading into the night. I stand
there wondering if the experience was not free of pain or if that
Instrumentality had failed in a different way. Shrugging my shoulders I walk
back into the house and towards my family. Moving slowly, so as not to wake
Asuka, I work my way underneath the blankets and hold her gently. My thoughts
of Ryo and Instrumentality fade as I lose myself to Asuka's warmth.
I'm happy and nothing at the moment will change that.
* * * *
Any haphazardness was done on purpose to reflect Shinji and his nerves. j/k
Actually all the jumping around was done somewhat on purpose as I wanted to
give snapshots of certain scenes and situations without fully developing them.
Case in point was the meeting of Shinji and the returnees. Instead of devoting
too much time to making a dialogue between them I wanted to show how Shinji
would be divided. On one hand Asuka is in labor and he should be at her side but
these are human beings that he has worried over for a couple years, yet he isn't
happy to see them. Another example was the delivery scene I wanted a short
scene where Shinji feels guilty about some of his thoughts and then has a large
surprise dropped on him. Hopefully it was entertaining.
Pre-reader was Weltall Elite.
C&C is welcome as usual.
Red Horseman eva_pilot9@doramail.com
Revised on April 8, 2002.
Reflections Part 4: New Beginnings.
Red Horsman
* * * *
Is it wrong to dwell too much on the past?
As Asuka nears the end of her pregnancy I find myself dwelling on the past,
confirming that I'm not repeating it. I remember that I used to do a lot of
thinking before Third Impact and Instrumentality, going to my room to think of
what had happened in the past instead of concentrating on the present or the
future. But who could blame me with everything that had happened to me after my
mother died. My father was normally the center of my introspection as I wondered
if he loved me or even if he needed me in his life. That want, and that need to
know why things had happened in the past only increased when he called me back
into his life, only to become a tool. After Instrumentality I soon realized that
man would have never fulfilled my questions and my need for answers, as we were
too different to connect. The man that abandoned me on the train platform years
ago was not the man that my mother fell in love with and who helped raise me
for a few years. Asuka has told me many times during her pregnancy that I'm
not like that man and I know that.
But still I just don't want to throw away my past no matter how much I want to
concentrate on my future. My past holds so many lessons, both the good and the
bad, that I have no choice but to keep going back to it every now and then.
Staring at Asuka as she sleeps next to a fire I know that my past will soon no
longer be relevant to our present and future. The boy who was quiet and withdrawn
has to be sealed away for our child's well being. Running away from reality, like
I had done so many times in the past is no longer an option for my family or me.
I admit that at times I have wanted to run away from the doubt and worry of
raising a child or that I may lose Asuka. But I will not follow in my father's
footsteps and abandon my responsibilities to Asuka and our child. Still despite
my promises to be a pillar of strength for Asuka I continue to worry, and this
trip does nothing to calm my fears.
"Shinji."
Asuka calmly looks at me from her makeshift bed as she waits for me to join
her so we can get enough sleep before our early start. Despite the scowl on her
face she is still the most beautiful girl I have known and at the same time the
most confusing. I know a lot about her from the time our minds and souls joined,
I know what her fears are and what her hopes are. But even with that knowledge
she does things that throw me off track, or which I think are too stupid for us
to be doing. Like this trip to Tokyo-3 with barely a month left before she gives
birth. We should be back in our house where she can be comfortable and I don't
have to worry that much about preparations or mistakes. But I can't deny her
anything, even after we argue about it for days.
"You coming to bed or do you want to freeze." Her voice is impatient, yet
she isn't commanding me.
"Sorry."
Before she can complain about that one word I slip quickly between the
blankets and sleeping bags that make up our temporary bed. Our lips easily meet
in soft kiss like they have done over the past year. Gently I place one hand
on her rounded abdomen and stroke it and the child in her womb. When I do that
simple gesture many of my fears of repeating my father's mistakes disappear
and the only thing I can think about are the two most important people in the
world.
"There's nothing to worry about Shinji," comments Asuka after we break the
kiss. "We can still make it back before I pop."
Propping myself up on one elbow I stare at her back lit by the fire. "That
is just it Asuka. We don't know how accurate your calculations are. You could
be a week off, which means that." I stop as a soft hand rests against my
cheek.
"Stop worrying Shinji, please." I hate it when she takes a pleading tone
with me as I feel like crap when she does. "I recalculated three times and I
had been keeping track of my period before I got pregnant." She places a finger
against my lips stopping my rebuttal. "Get some sleep. There isn't much we can
gain by arguing, when it's time I'll give birth and nothing can stop it."
"Can't I still worry?"
"Not when it annoys me." With that Asuka pulls the blankets up around us.
Quietly I admit defeat and lean back, resting my head on one of my arms to
study the night sky. Despite her tough exterior I know that there is a scared
young woman who is trying to convince not only me, but herself as well that
things will turn out okay. When Asuka lets the scared girl out it is the
saddest sight, even more so since I know her past and what she had gone through
as a little girl. At those times I feel my past slipping further away as I
reaffirm my promise never to run away again, but most importantly I promised
to love her no matter what happens and that is one promise I will never break.
It is with that thought that I finally close my eyes and let sleep overcome
me.
- - - -
"Well for someone that was against this trip, you sure look better."
I tear my gaze from the ruins of Tokyo-3 on either side of us, and silently
turn to look at Asuka as she stops Yume next to me. She is riding sidesaddle to
minimize the pressure on her stomach as much as possible. Dismounting I make my
way to her side, and reach up to support her as she carefully gets out of the
saddle. With barely a nod of her head Asuka acknowledges my help and takes a
moment to stretch out the kinks of a four-hour ride. Her face has this look of
surprise on it, and she wraps her arms around her midsection.
"What's wrong?" I ignore the worry in my voice and simply hold Asuka.
She doesn't answer me for a few moments. "It's nothing, just some sensation
that I haven't felt before." She weakly smiles at me before straightening. "Don't
worry."
"No. I will worry if that's all right."
"Fine." With that she pushes me off of her and stalks away with Tenshi
following her.
Running my fingers through my hair I sigh in frustration before grabbing
the reins of both horses and start after Asuka. She is easy to follow in her
yellow dress and how slowly works her way trough the debris and rubble of
fallen houses. My worry and frustration slowly disappear as we make our way to
the other side of the ruined city towards a special place. Two hours later
we finally approach the obsidian markers of the cemetery, the only area that
was not devastated by Third Impact. Tethering the horses Asuka and I slowly
make our way towards a recent row of crudely made markers.
"Now you know why I had to come Shinji." Asuka's voice is a whisper as
she leans on one of the markers.
Reading the name and date on the marker I suddenly understand Asuka's
motivation for traveling in her condition. "I'm sorry, but I forgot."
She sadly shakes her head. "It's not your fault. After all Hikari was my
best friend, it's just natural for me to remember."
Slowly I wrap my arms around Asuka, feeling a tear land on my arm as she
trembles. I feel bad that I had forgotten that Hikari's birthday was today,
but I feel that she would have forgiven me. Hikari would probably have chewed
me out; first for getting Asuka pregnant, and second for allowing her to travel
in her condition. The health of Asuka would have been more important to the
class representative than Asuka coming to her grave, but for Asuka it's the
other way around. It was Hikari's selflessness in helping others and being
nonjudgmental that lead her to become Asuka's best friend, and I know it had
a profound impact on Asuka. Friends were a rare commodity for Asuka back then
and she cherished that friendship with Hikari.
"Can you give me some time alone Shinji?"
"Okay." I remove my arms from around her and start down the row.
I understand why Asuka wants to be alone at Hikari's grave at a time like
this. She is feeling alone and scared despite my presence because there are
things that she can not talk to me about, even though Asuka knows there will
be no response it will help. And it pains me to know that there are certain
things I have not told her because she wouldn't have understood my feelings
or emotions. There is no Kaji in this world to go to when I want help or
guidance on some subjects. Yet I think that Kaji would have reminded me to my
own decisions and accept the outcome of those decisions. But I don't think
that even Kaji could have envisioned the loneliness and solitude of being the
only humans alive. How not being able to talk to others beside that one other
person can be taxing, no matter how much they love each other.
Blinking my eyes I leave my thoughts behind for a moment as my knees connect
with hard stone. Smiling faintly I read the headstone that my feet have carried
me to while my brain was occupied. Turning my head I can see the silhouette of
Asuka up on a nearby hill still at Hikari's grave. I wonder what mother would
think of Asuka, whether she would approve of the person I love. Would she
accept all of Asuka's faults and try to understand her instead of pitying her?
What would she tell Asuka of motherhood, of love, and life itself? Sadly I
can't imagine any of those answers, yet I feel that mother would have
accepted Asuka. My father's reaction I don't even want to imagine, that
somehow he would have turned it to his advantage and used us. He would probably
tell us that we were using each other for support.
"But isn't that love?" I ask the black stone. "To be there for each other
when others can't or won't be there for support."
The stone silently stands there, unable to answer my question and I turn
around angrily. It is only because of that turn that I see Asuka sink to
her knees, clutching her abdomen. In shock I stand here for a moment before
racing through the rows of grave markers to reach her side. She is breathing
hard with one hand on Hikari's marker and the other on the ground. I realize
what those sensations must be as I carefully help her to her feet. My frown
disappears as I see the pain in Asuka's eyes and the worry kicks in.
"Why did you lie to me?"
She tries to scowl but sighs instead. "Because I had to talk to Hikari,
okay." My response dies as she gently grips my hand. "Would you believe that
I'm just as surprised as you?"
"Labor is nothing to joke about Asuka."
"I know but." She stops and stares at the ground.
Her shoulders tremble as I rub them slowly. "This isn't just about you or
us anymore. We have to think about our child now.
"I'm sorry Shinji. It's just that I wanted to talk to Hikari." This time her
voice cracks. "You don't know how hard this is for me."
Wrapping an arm around her we slowly walk back to where the horses wait. I
don't say a word as anything I would say could be taken the wrong way. Instead
I choose to be a silent presence as we make our way out of the cemetery and
towards one of our caches of supplies. Asuka doesn't need me to be angry with
her over something like coming to Hikari's grave, she needs me to be around her
and giving her as much love and care as I can. She is right in that I can't
understand what she is going through or what will be happening soon. All I hope
to do is to be as helpful and supportive as possible.
- - - -
I feel like shit as my words from days ago mock me.
Not since the Fifteenth Angel have I ever felt so useless and helpless in my
relationship with Asuka. All I have been able to do for the last hours is make
sure Asuka is as comfortable as possible while she has her contractions. Sitting
on the bed next to her I wipe the sweat from her face as another contraction
slowly dies away. The pains that she had felt when we had visited the cemetery
four days ago had been false birthing signs, and had been scary enough. It wasn't
until mid-morning today that the real contractions had begun and slowly grew
closer and closer together over eight hours. I jump slightly as a hand grabs mine
and squeezes lightly, causing me to look down into Asuka's eyes.
"Water, please."
It was her only request as she closed her eyes again and relaxed on the bed
waiting for the next wave of pain. Slowly I disengage my hand from hers and make
my way to the kitchen for a bottle of water. It's only when I look out the
window that I see Yume's ears are laid back against her head and her nostrils
are flared as she looks down a trail. Swallowing I grab the bottle of water
and race back to where Asuka is lying and where our packs are located. Setting
the bottle down I move to my pack and pull out one of our two revolvers with
homemade gunpowder. Standing I slip on my dark jacket over my white shirt and
give Asuka one last glance.
"Tenshi." The Labrador gets up at my call. Kneeling down I look into her
eyes. "Guard Asuka."
The dog cocks her head at my command before padding into the room and sits
at Asuka's side. Slapping my leg gets Oni's attention and he is at my side in a
few quick steps. Opening the door I let him slip out first before following him
out into the dying sunlight. We don't want any kinds of problems at the moment
but ignoring the warnings could be dangerous. We've seen feral dogs roaming in
packs and have had to shoot them for protection, but this time is different.
Asuka needs me at her side but the horses have to be protected. I move around
the corner, with my heart in my throat, towards Kenshin who is pawing at the
ground. As I grab his tether a black blur streaks past me as Oni has scented
something in the woods.
"Oni!" I yell but he doesn't stop at my call.
I don't dare move as the silence stretches on after Oni disappeared into the
brush. My heart almosts stops as a scream comes from out in the woods, a very
human scream. Glancing back at the house I decide that Asuka has Tenshi for
protection and I make my way towards the brush following Oni's tracks in the
soft dirt. After about fifty meters I find myself stepping into a small clearing
with Oni in the middle. His teeth are bared and his hackles are raised as he
paces back and forth, growling. I sink to my knees in shock as I see what has
gotten his attention. A group of five adults, that are trying to figure out
which of us was more dangerous, are gathered around a smaller group of children.
"Oni, come here!" I have to repeat the command a couple of times before he
comes and sits at my side.
Wrapping my arms around him I stare at the group waiting for someone to move.
My anger grows as nothing happens in the group for a few minutes. I have other
things to deal with at the moment like Asuka who has been alone for five minutes.
Standing up I place the revolver back in its holster and grab Oni's collar before
turning around. It's a dangerous thing to do but one of us has to show trust and
at the moment it will have to be me. Slowly I walk towards the edge of the
clearing in the direction of the house, ignoring the sounds behind me. The sun
is sinking behind the mountains as I enter through the door and make my way
towards Asuka.
"Where have you been?" She asks sharply.
Holding up a hand I go around the room and light the various gas lamps. After
that I stoke the fire before getting dinner warmed up. I can feel Asuka's eyes
on my back as she patiently waits for my answer, but I can see that she
is not as patient as I thought. Her arms are crossed over her abdomen and her
eyes are glaring at me as I bring a bowl of oatmeal for her.
"There's people outside." Her eyes widen at my answer.
"Idiot! How come you don't look happy or invited them in."
I simply stare at her stomach and she gets my answer.
"Sorry but I thought..."
Asuka stops in midsentence as she closes her eyes as contraction hits her. I
want to hit myself as I should have known that another one was due. The only
good thing was that she didn't have one while I was gone when she would have been
alone in the house. Her breath comes in short, fast gasps as she digs her nails
into the palm of my hand. I gently stroke her head as her body goes through the
motions as it nears the end of her pregnancy. As the pain continues I worry
that maybe this is the time and I nervously make my way to the end of the bed.
"Excuse me."
The voice penetrates my worry and stop my actions, causing me to whip my head
around towards the door. Standing in the doorway with his hands raised is a
gaunt man in his middle twenties staring me while Oni and Tenshi growl at him.
Standing I walk over to him and stop about three feet away, studying him. I
should be happy that humans have finally returned and we won't have to be alone
anymore but the timing is all wrong. I don't have time to help the survivors
get organized.
"That was bad," I mutter, slapping my forehead. The survivors had just
returned from being LCL and I didn't care what happened to them. How selfish am
I that I don't care what happens to them. What would Asuka say about that? It's
that answer that I don't want to think about. "Look Mr.."
"Just call me Ryo for the moment."
"Look Ryo I don't want to seem callous or rude but this is not the time for
me to be talking." I turn around and glance at Asuka. "I have more important
things..."
"I know that, but I can help since I was an EMT." The man paused. "Or at
least I think I was."
"And what is that supposed to mean?" I can't believe that this man wants to
help but can't even remember his past.
"Everything is a jumble in my head. I have thoughts and memories that I know
aren't mine, but…"
"You want us to trust you when you can't even remember what you did for a
living?" Asuka interrupts.
"Yes! Because my strongest thoughts are of my name and helping others."
I look over at Asuka and see the worry in her eyes, yet at the same time
understanding. This man was trying to sort out his life and he was clinging to
the few thoughts that he thought were his own. He was desperate to reestablish
his identity and life. Still how was I supposed to make the decision that would
affect Asuka and our child. Squeezing Asuka's hand I stare into her eyes.
"It's your decision, Asuka."
"Why is just my decision?"
I feel my face heat up as I answer. "Because he's going to be between your
legs, and not mine."
Her face goes red as she closes her eyes. I know that she is deciding
whether to trust this complete stranger, just like the time she came to fully
trust me. But this time it isn't simply her heart that she is placing in the
hands of another but the life of our child and her own. Also she had known me
before she had placed her heart in my hands while we have just seen this
stranger for five minutes. Yet as she opens her I can see that she has made her
decision.
"Okay."
"Asuka, please," I plead.
"Do you trust yourself to deliver our child Shinji? To know what to do if
something goes wrong or if a situation arises that needs a quick decision."
Her voice is calm. "This isn't just about you or me." Asuka takes my hand and
places it on her stomach. "It's also about her. I'm willing to trust him if it
means my daughter is born safely."
I have never felt so torn between obeying Asuka or protecting her, but I
have no choice since I told her it was her decision. Sadly I nod my head and
call the dogs away from the man. I close and bar the door behind him ensuring
that no more visitors will come unexpected. Going to one of the cabinets I pull
out all the supplies that we figured that we would need and carry the boxes
over to the table Ryo has pulled up to the foot of the bed. Again the feeling
of helplessness almost makes me want to run away, but instead I sit on the edge
of the bed and watch the man lay out the surprises.
"You do anything wrong or improper and you'll wish that you had never come
back."
"I wouldn't expect anything less." As he looks up I see that the confusion
is gone. "How far apart are her contraction?"
"Eight minutes."
"Good that gives us some time."
- - - -
It's selfish and slightly repulsive for me to admit that I'm glad I am a
male. But as I watch Asuka, with her face contorted in pain give birth, I know
that there is no way I could have endured it. I've handled a ton of emotional
pain throughout my life but I've escaped having to suffer any large physical
pains. The physical pain that had been inflicted upon me probably wouldn't even
come close to what Asuka is feeling as she draws another deep breath. She used
to joke nervously about what it would feel like trying to push a peg through
a hole; her words not mine. I'm sure right at this moment she is regretting
ever sleeping with me, yet she is suprisingly quiet with no threats against my
life or body.
"What's so funny?" I look down to see Asuka squinting at me as I grip her
hand.
"I'll tell you later, okay." She nods her head as I give her a kiss on the
forehead.
Looking down at the foot of the bed I watch as Ryo and two women are busy
keeping the cloths changed and the bed clean. I was surprised when Asuka agreed
to have two more people let into the house to help, since I thought she would
be embarrassed. Ryo glances up and winks at me, as he must have seen the puzzled
look on my face. Despite my reservations I have to say that he truly knows what
he is doing as he coaches Asuka with each breath. Pain shoots through my hand
as Asuka clenches it tighty in time with a cry, just before her body goes limp.
"Waah!" My tears flow as our child cries for the first time.
I'm torn between leaving Asuka's side and going to see our child or staying
at her side and wait for the baby to be brought to us. The decision is made
as Asuka keeps her hand around mine as she squeezes her eyes shut in pain. I
glance down to see surprise on Ryo's face as he finishes his task and hands the
baby to one of his helpers. She quickly wraps the baby in a blanket and stands
off to the side, rocking my child gently.
"What's wrong?" Ryo ignores me and continues his work. "What is wrong, Ryo?"
This time he glances up with humor on his face, "Well one is out but it
looks like there is another one in there." He glanced down between Asuka's legs.
"Let's see if it's a boy or another girl."
- - - -
"They're so small." Asuka's voice is filled with astonishment and love.
Lifting my gaze from our daughter in my arms I look over at Asuka as she
cradles our son. The returnees have left our house and gone to one of the
caches that we had directed them to except for Ryo. But even he has given us
room and time by going outside to supposedly think over what had recently
happened to him. I'm grateful for the solitude as Asuka is able to rest and we
can gaze at the newborns. Even I'm able to relax finally as the tension has
drained from my body after months of worry, but the doubt is still with me.
"I'm glad this is over."
Asuka stares questingly at me. "Why are you glad this is over? You didn't
have to carry our children or go through labor."
"Because I can finally give up my past." I move closer to Asuka but taking
care not to jostle the child in my arms. "No more thoughts of running away from
reality. No more comparing myself to my father or following in his footsteps."
"It's about time you put those thoughts out of your head." She moves closer
until we're touching each other. "After all I had to put my past behind me
months ago. I was beginning to wonder when you would catch up to the present."
"Then what were those nightmares about?"
Her smile is dangerous in its beauty. "Just nonsense." She snuggles closer.
"You really wouldn't have run, would you?"
"Probably not."
"Good. Everything is beginning anew and I wouldn't want you to miss out on
it."
I rest my chin on my chest and gaze at the baby in my arms as I think about
Asuka's words. The world would continue on with or without humans but that was
not what she was talking about. When we woke from Instrumentality we did not
have a clean slate but had to deal with the loss of humanity, and how our pasts
affected our relationship and us. Now with the birth of our children our slates
could be wiped clean of the past, and of worries and doubts. And with the
returnees humanity also now had a clean slate upon which to rebuild. Hopefully.
"A new beginning for everyone."
With those words Asuka goes silently and a few moments later I hear a light
snore come from her. Smiling I climb from the bed and walk over to the cradle
that had been assembled and place our daughter in it. Moving slowly, so as
not to wake Asuka, I pick up her son from her arms and take him over to where
his sister is resting. As I tuck the blankets around them I realize how lucky
I am to have made it this far in life for I have two new children and a beautiful
woman who loves me. Stepping outside I stare up into the night sky, a smile
plastered over my face.
"Happy to be a father?"
I spin around in surprise to see Ryo squatting next to the house, my smile
fading. I had wanted to be alone to soak up the happiness that I was feeling
but that was dashed. It always seems that when there are other people around I
can't get a time to myself. Still he deserves an answer to a legitimate
question.
"I'm extremely happy, but at the same time…"
"Scared stiff?" He gets up and walks over.
"Yes."
"I think all parents have doubts when they first have children, and since
you two are so young you are going to have more than the usual amount of
worry."
He doesn't know how true that it.
"How did you find us?" I inquire, my curiosity finally kicking and wanting
to change the subject away from families. "And when did you return?"
Ryo doesn't say anything for a few moments. "I guess it's been about two
weeks since we returned and wandered south along the coast. As for how we found
you we just walked towards the column of smoke." He points at the house's
chimney.
"What was it like?"
I watch as Ryo shakes his head and walks away, fading into the night. I stand
there wondering if the experience was not free of pain or if that
Instrumentality had failed in a different way. Shrugging my shoulders I walk
back into the house and towards my family. Moving slowly, so as not to wake
Asuka, I work my way underneath the blankets and hold her gently. My thoughts
of Ryo and Instrumentality fade as I lose myself to Asuka's warmth.
I'm happy and nothing at the moment will change that.
* * * *
Any haphazardness was done on purpose to reflect Shinji and his nerves. j/k
Actually all the jumping around was done somewhat on purpose as I wanted to
give snapshots of certain scenes and situations without fully developing them.
Case in point was the meeting of Shinji and the returnees. Instead of devoting
too much time to making a dialogue between them I wanted to show how Shinji
would be divided. On one hand Asuka is in labor and he should be at her side but
these are human beings that he has worried over for a couple years, yet he isn't
happy to see them. Another example was the delivery scene I wanted a short
scene where Shinji feels guilty about some of his thoughts and then has a large
surprise dropped on him. Hopefully it was entertaining.
Pre-reader was Weltall Elite.
C&C is welcome as usual.
Red Horseman eva_pilot9@doramail.com