*** This was just begging to be written. It's about Stephanie
primarily…she's seriously the woman. And the song I use is "Girl" by Tori
Amos. Nothing in this story (wrestlers, WWF, song, etc.) is mine. Just
the story. Spoilers through SmackDown 03-21-02. Please review! ***
// From in the shadow she calls
And in the shadow she finds a way finds a way
And in the shadow she crawls //
I watch Hunter, my soon-to-be ex-husband, walk confidently down the hall. I'm surprised that my heart doesn't want to go with him anymore and I wonder when it happened. I still wanted him after he humiliated me on RAW when we were supposed to renew our vows. I still thought I loved him.
I thought I loved him even at WrestleMania. I wanted him to lose, yes. But I loved him. Or I thought I did. But when he said he never wanted to see me again…something inside of me snapped. He never wanted to see me again? I don't understand that at all.
I was his creation and he can just discard me like that. I guess he never loved me. And since my love was based on his love, I guess I never loved him either. No matter what I thought.
// Clutching her faded photograph my image under her thumb //
I look at him and I wonder if I wasted my time for two years. I wonder if I was ever really happy or if I just convinced myself that I was happy because Hunter was happy. I look back on the past two years, a little more, and it all seems so far away.
They are memories that have curled around the edges, not allowing me to fully remember everything I felt. Was I happy when Hunter and I ruled the WWF? Was I happy when I laughed as he smashed various people with sledgehammers?
And then I wonder does any of it matter anymore?
// Yes with a message for my heart
Yes with a message for my heart //
I listen to the things I say sometimes and I wonder if I mean them. Yes, the things I say serve a purpose. Yes, I know what I have to do to get ahead. But do I want to get ahead anymore? Or was that a part of being with Hunter?
Did I decide somewhere along the line that I was unimportant? Did I decide that I could come second to the dreams of my husband? And when did I decide that the most important thing in my life was to be a wife? I used to have dreams…I used to dream more than anyone I know. Now I just…wonder what happened to those Technicolor dreams I used to have.
// She's been everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own //
Maybe it was that I was married too young. Maybe I never really gave myself a chance to be just plain Stephanie McMahon. But I think it all would have been different if I had never listened to Hunter. If I had never let him drag me to that sleazy Las Vegas drive-thru marriage chapel.
I guess I would be married to Test. Would I have let him become the only thing in my world too? Would I think that the only things that mattered were what made Andrew happy?
Or would I have worried about Stephanie McMahon?
// And in the doorway they stay
And laugh as violins fill with water //
People ask me why I made the match on RAW a triple threat. People ask me if I think that I can beat Hunter and Jericho. People ask if I'm crazy.
And I'm just starting to think that I'm completely sane for the first time in a long time. What's wrong with me trying to do something that most other women would consider completely unattainable? What's wrong with finally having another dream?
If I have to wrestle against the man that I shared a bed with for over two years, why shouldn't I at least have the chance to do something that no other woman has done? If I have to get in that ring and risk myself…why not have the chance at reward?
// Screams from the bluebells can't make them go away //
But the thing is…I don't really want to be the Undisputed Champion. I want to be in the Undisputed Champ's corner. You know the old saying behind every great man there's a greater woman. I always took it to heart.
And why shouldn't I? My mom always stood behind my dad. I may not like my mom for helping to destroy my company and then helping to destroy my marriage. But she is a strong woman who always stood behind my dad. Who corrected him when he was wrong. Who made all of my families lives brighter by being there.
So, after everyone else asks me why I made it a Triple Threat match and I shrug off their questions, I sit down in a room by myself and wonder the exact same thing.
// We'll I'm not seventeen but I've cuts on my knees
Falling down as the winter takes one more cherry tree //
"Hello?" I ask wearily as I answer my ringing cell phone, not even bothering to look at the ID.
"Hi Steph," a voice I've known all my life said. I smile a little.
"Hi Shane," I said. "It's been awhile."
"Yeah," Shane said. "I'm sorry about your marriage. I should have called you earlier but…"
"Hey, I should have been a better sister," I said.
"That doesn't excuse me for being a lousy brother," Shane said.
"You were never lousy," I protested.
"I just wanted to let you know that I'm watching you tonight," Shane said. "And it reminds me of the times when we were kids and we would wrestle on our trampoline. It reminds me of the times when you would win and you would proclaim yourself the Champ."
I smile at the memory. "I remember."
"I think you can do it Stephanie," Shane said. "I think you can be the Champ. And I love you. You are a great woman."
"Thank you," I said. "I needed to hear that. I love you too."
"Go kick some ass Stephanie," Shane said.
// She's been everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own //
"Stephanie!" a voice called from behind me.
I turned around and saw Jericho running down the hall towards me, his hair flowing out behind him. He's really a gorgeous man and if things were different…
"Hi," I said shyly as he approached me. Something about him has made me feel demure around him since WrestleMania. I know it didn't show on the taping, but after he was pinned he checked on me first. He didn't blame me, he didn't get mad at me. He made sure I was all right.
"You okay?" Jericho asked, looking at my neck. "No brace I see."
"No, that was really just a precaution," I said, waving his concern away. I always do that. I always try to make people think I that they shouldn't worry about me. I try to make them worry about themselves. "But thanks."
"Hey, what's a partner for?" he asked. "We are still partners right? I mean I know I disappointed you when I didn't keep the belt, but I like having you in my corner."
"You didn't disappoint me," I said. "You tried your best. Something else was on Hunter's side I think."
"I just wanted to…I'm not going to ask what you have planned for tonight," Jericho said. "And if you happen to win, I will be happy for you. I think you might just be a good champion."
"You think I would be a good champion?" I asked in amazement.
"Stephanie, you're an amazing woman," Jericho said, quite seriously. "I only kiss amazing women."
// Rushin' rivers thread so thin limitation
Everyone else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own //
I walked down to the ring to my own music. Not my father's. Not Jericho's. I realize that the music used to be Hunter's and DX's. But I think I've made it my own. And maybe now it is my time.
I wonder if I can do this. I slipped into the ring. I smiled at Jericho and he returned my grin. Then he did something that shocked me. He walked over to me and he hugged me.
"You can do it if you want it," he whispered to me.
"Thank you," I said to him. Hunter never reaffirmed me like that. Hunter was my husband and he never told me I could do things. Sometimes I would tell him things I wanted to do and he would smile at me condescendingly and make me feel smaller than a three-year-old.
// Dreams with the flying pigs turbid blue and the drugstores too safe
in their coats and a in their do's yeah //
Hunter glared at me when he came down to the ring. It reminded me of this time when he glared at me before. It was when I told him that I had decided to buy ECW.
"Why did you waste our money on that piece of shit?" he asked, angry as I had ever seen him.
"Don't pace Hunter, you shouldn't be on that leg," I said, watching him limp painfully across the floor.
"Don't tell me what to do!" Hunter yelled.
"I wanted to do this Hunter," I said. "I wanted to prove my worth. Not your worth, not my father's worth. I want to be me."
"But you are my wife," Hunter said.
"I know I am," I said. "And I will always be your wife. But don't you want me to accomplish something?"
"You don't need to!" Hunter yelled. "I give you everything you need."
I stared at him as he glared at me. He didn't give me everything. He didn't give me the one thing that Jericho and Shane had given to me…faith in myself.
// Everyone else's girl maybe one day maybe one day one day one day
She'll be her own //
Hunter had beaten Jericho pretty badly, but he had forgotten about me. He had forgotten that I had done barely anything. I ran at him and pushed him with everything I had. I pushed him over the ropes and out of the ring. I heard him groan loudly as he hit the floor.
I looked down at the floor. Jericho lying in the middle of the ring, almost immobile.
"Just do it," he said to me. "Pin me Steph."
"But Chris," I said, wringing my hands.
"Do it!" Chris called.
I shook my head resolutely. Jericho had given me the thing I had wanted most desperately, so I would give him what he wanted.
"No!" I said, helping him to his feet.
// Smother in our hearts a pillow to my dots //
I laid on the mat and Jericho looked at me as if I was crazy. "Pin me!"
"Stephanie, no," Jericho said as he stumbled a little.
"Now, before he gets back in the ring," I called to him. "I want you to Jericho. I really want you to."
There was still indecision in his eyes as he leaned down to pin me. "Thank you," he said as the referee pounded out the three-count.
"Thank you partner," I said, grinning up at him.
He pulled me to my feet and we hugged in the middle of the ring. "You're the greatest Champ in the world," I whispered to him.
"You're a Champion to me Stephanie," he said, gratefulness in his eyes.
// And in the mist there she rides
And castles are burning in my heart
And as I twist I hold tight //
"What the hell was that?" Hunter screamed, closing in on Chris and I.
"I realized what I really wanted," I said simply. "You know, I don't think I every really wanted you. I think I let you tell me what I wanted."
"Why would you want this…this clown to be a champion?" he asked.
"Because he believe in me," I said, lifting my chin. "You never did that. I used to wonder why I was unhappy…it was because you didn't allow me to dream."
"What the hell?" Hunter asked.
"Everything had to be about you," I said. "And when it wasn't I was being irrational and stupid. That's not what I needed."
"Whatever," Hunter said, turning and limping out of the ring.
// And I ride to work every morning wondering why
"Sit in the chair and be good now"
and become all that they told you //
"Am I crazy?" I asked Jericho, plopping on the couch in his dressing room.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I practically gave you the belts," I said. "Was it wrong not to want them?"
"No," Chris said. "It's crazy to want them if you aren't ready to defend them. Would you have been ready to defend them?"
"I don't know," I said. "But I think I would like to be on my own now."
"What?" Jericho asked in shock.
"I want to wrestle," I said. "I can you know."
"But I need you Stephanie," Jericho said. "I really need you. I mean, you're the best as far as managers go."
"You don't need me," I said.
// the white coats enter her room
and I'm callin' my baby callin' my baby callin' my baby callin' //
"I want you," Jericho said.
"What?" I asked.
"I…you are fabulous Stephanie," Jericho said. "And I've wanted you for so long. I figured keeping you close would give you the time to get over Hunter before I made a move."
"Chris," I sighed. "I want to be…"
"Stephanie, we would be fabulous," Chris said.
"I know," I said. "And I love that you believe in me. But, would you think I was crazy if I told you I wanted to be on my own for awhile?"
"I guess not," Chris said. "And you can get whatever you really want."
"Thank you," I said.
"Just…keep me in mind," Jericho said.
"I'll do that," I said. I leaned over and gently kissed him on the cheek. "You're a great guy. Never let anyone tell you differently."
I stood up and I walked out of the room…happy to be on my own for once.
// Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own //
// From in the shadow she calls
And in the shadow she finds a way finds a way
And in the shadow she crawls //
I watch Hunter, my soon-to-be ex-husband, walk confidently down the hall. I'm surprised that my heart doesn't want to go with him anymore and I wonder when it happened. I still wanted him after he humiliated me on RAW when we were supposed to renew our vows. I still thought I loved him.
I thought I loved him even at WrestleMania. I wanted him to lose, yes. But I loved him. Or I thought I did. But when he said he never wanted to see me again…something inside of me snapped. He never wanted to see me again? I don't understand that at all.
I was his creation and he can just discard me like that. I guess he never loved me. And since my love was based on his love, I guess I never loved him either. No matter what I thought.
// Clutching her faded photograph my image under her thumb //
I look at him and I wonder if I wasted my time for two years. I wonder if I was ever really happy or if I just convinced myself that I was happy because Hunter was happy. I look back on the past two years, a little more, and it all seems so far away.
They are memories that have curled around the edges, not allowing me to fully remember everything I felt. Was I happy when Hunter and I ruled the WWF? Was I happy when I laughed as he smashed various people with sledgehammers?
And then I wonder does any of it matter anymore?
// Yes with a message for my heart
Yes with a message for my heart //
I listen to the things I say sometimes and I wonder if I mean them. Yes, the things I say serve a purpose. Yes, I know what I have to do to get ahead. But do I want to get ahead anymore? Or was that a part of being with Hunter?
Did I decide somewhere along the line that I was unimportant? Did I decide that I could come second to the dreams of my husband? And when did I decide that the most important thing in my life was to be a wife? I used to have dreams…I used to dream more than anyone I know. Now I just…wonder what happened to those Technicolor dreams I used to have.
// She's been everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own //
Maybe it was that I was married too young. Maybe I never really gave myself a chance to be just plain Stephanie McMahon. But I think it all would have been different if I had never listened to Hunter. If I had never let him drag me to that sleazy Las Vegas drive-thru marriage chapel.
I guess I would be married to Test. Would I have let him become the only thing in my world too? Would I think that the only things that mattered were what made Andrew happy?
Or would I have worried about Stephanie McMahon?
// And in the doorway they stay
And laugh as violins fill with water //
People ask me why I made the match on RAW a triple threat. People ask me if I think that I can beat Hunter and Jericho. People ask if I'm crazy.
And I'm just starting to think that I'm completely sane for the first time in a long time. What's wrong with me trying to do something that most other women would consider completely unattainable? What's wrong with finally having another dream?
If I have to wrestle against the man that I shared a bed with for over two years, why shouldn't I at least have the chance to do something that no other woman has done? If I have to get in that ring and risk myself…why not have the chance at reward?
// Screams from the bluebells can't make them go away //
But the thing is…I don't really want to be the Undisputed Champion. I want to be in the Undisputed Champ's corner. You know the old saying behind every great man there's a greater woman. I always took it to heart.
And why shouldn't I? My mom always stood behind my dad. I may not like my mom for helping to destroy my company and then helping to destroy my marriage. But she is a strong woman who always stood behind my dad. Who corrected him when he was wrong. Who made all of my families lives brighter by being there.
So, after everyone else asks me why I made it a Triple Threat match and I shrug off their questions, I sit down in a room by myself and wonder the exact same thing.
// We'll I'm not seventeen but I've cuts on my knees
Falling down as the winter takes one more cherry tree //
"Hello?" I ask wearily as I answer my ringing cell phone, not even bothering to look at the ID.
"Hi Steph," a voice I've known all my life said. I smile a little.
"Hi Shane," I said. "It's been awhile."
"Yeah," Shane said. "I'm sorry about your marriage. I should have called you earlier but…"
"Hey, I should have been a better sister," I said.
"That doesn't excuse me for being a lousy brother," Shane said.
"You were never lousy," I protested.
"I just wanted to let you know that I'm watching you tonight," Shane said. "And it reminds me of the times when we were kids and we would wrestle on our trampoline. It reminds me of the times when you would win and you would proclaim yourself the Champ."
I smile at the memory. "I remember."
"I think you can do it Stephanie," Shane said. "I think you can be the Champ. And I love you. You are a great woman."
"Thank you," I said. "I needed to hear that. I love you too."
"Go kick some ass Stephanie," Shane said.
// She's been everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own //
"Stephanie!" a voice called from behind me.
I turned around and saw Jericho running down the hall towards me, his hair flowing out behind him. He's really a gorgeous man and if things were different…
"Hi," I said shyly as he approached me. Something about him has made me feel demure around him since WrestleMania. I know it didn't show on the taping, but after he was pinned he checked on me first. He didn't blame me, he didn't get mad at me. He made sure I was all right.
"You okay?" Jericho asked, looking at my neck. "No brace I see."
"No, that was really just a precaution," I said, waving his concern away. I always do that. I always try to make people think I that they shouldn't worry about me. I try to make them worry about themselves. "But thanks."
"Hey, what's a partner for?" he asked. "We are still partners right? I mean I know I disappointed you when I didn't keep the belt, but I like having you in my corner."
"You didn't disappoint me," I said. "You tried your best. Something else was on Hunter's side I think."
"I just wanted to…I'm not going to ask what you have planned for tonight," Jericho said. "And if you happen to win, I will be happy for you. I think you might just be a good champion."
"You think I would be a good champion?" I asked in amazement.
"Stephanie, you're an amazing woman," Jericho said, quite seriously. "I only kiss amazing women."
// Rushin' rivers thread so thin limitation
Everyone else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own //
I walked down to the ring to my own music. Not my father's. Not Jericho's. I realize that the music used to be Hunter's and DX's. But I think I've made it my own. And maybe now it is my time.
I wonder if I can do this. I slipped into the ring. I smiled at Jericho and he returned my grin. Then he did something that shocked me. He walked over to me and he hugged me.
"You can do it if you want it," he whispered to me.
"Thank you," I said to him. Hunter never reaffirmed me like that. Hunter was my husband and he never told me I could do things. Sometimes I would tell him things I wanted to do and he would smile at me condescendingly and make me feel smaller than a three-year-old.
// Dreams with the flying pigs turbid blue and the drugstores too safe
in their coats and a in their do's yeah //
Hunter glared at me when he came down to the ring. It reminded me of this time when he glared at me before. It was when I told him that I had decided to buy ECW.
"Why did you waste our money on that piece of shit?" he asked, angry as I had ever seen him.
"Don't pace Hunter, you shouldn't be on that leg," I said, watching him limp painfully across the floor.
"Don't tell me what to do!" Hunter yelled.
"I wanted to do this Hunter," I said. "I wanted to prove my worth. Not your worth, not my father's worth. I want to be me."
"But you are my wife," Hunter said.
"I know I am," I said. "And I will always be your wife. But don't you want me to accomplish something?"
"You don't need to!" Hunter yelled. "I give you everything you need."
I stared at him as he glared at me. He didn't give me everything. He didn't give me the one thing that Jericho and Shane had given to me…faith in myself.
// Everyone else's girl maybe one day maybe one day one day one day
She'll be her own //
Hunter had beaten Jericho pretty badly, but he had forgotten about me. He had forgotten that I had done barely anything. I ran at him and pushed him with everything I had. I pushed him over the ropes and out of the ring. I heard him groan loudly as he hit the floor.
I looked down at the floor. Jericho lying in the middle of the ring, almost immobile.
"Just do it," he said to me. "Pin me Steph."
"But Chris," I said, wringing my hands.
"Do it!" Chris called.
I shook my head resolutely. Jericho had given me the thing I had wanted most desperately, so I would give him what he wanted.
"No!" I said, helping him to his feet.
// Smother in our hearts a pillow to my dots //
I laid on the mat and Jericho looked at me as if I was crazy. "Pin me!"
"Stephanie, no," Jericho said as he stumbled a little.
"Now, before he gets back in the ring," I called to him. "I want you to Jericho. I really want you to."
There was still indecision in his eyes as he leaned down to pin me. "Thank you," he said as the referee pounded out the three-count.
"Thank you partner," I said, grinning up at him.
He pulled me to my feet and we hugged in the middle of the ring. "You're the greatest Champ in the world," I whispered to him.
"You're a Champion to me Stephanie," he said, gratefulness in his eyes.
// And in the mist there she rides
And castles are burning in my heart
And as I twist I hold tight //
"What the hell was that?" Hunter screamed, closing in on Chris and I.
"I realized what I really wanted," I said simply. "You know, I don't think I every really wanted you. I think I let you tell me what I wanted."
"Why would you want this…this clown to be a champion?" he asked.
"Because he believe in me," I said, lifting my chin. "You never did that. I used to wonder why I was unhappy…it was because you didn't allow me to dream."
"What the hell?" Hunter asked.
"Everything had to be about you," I said. "And when it wasn't I was being irrational and stupid. That's not what I needed."
"Whatever," Hunter said, turning and limping out of the ring.
// And I ride to work every morning wondering why
"Sit in the chair and be good now"
and become all that they told you //
"Am I crazy?" I asked Jericho, plopping on the couch in his dressing room.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I practically gave you the belts," I said. "Was it wrong not to want them?"
"No," Chris said. "It's crazy to want them if you aren't ready to defend them. Would you have been ready to defend them?"
"I don't know," I said. "But I think I would like to be on my own now."
"What?" Jericho asked in shock.
"I want to wrestle," I said. "I can you know."
"But I need you Stephanie," Jericho said. "I really need you. I mean, you're the best as far as managers go."
"You don't need me," I said.
// the white coats enter her room
and I'm callin' my baby callin' my baby callin' my baby callin' //
"I want you," Jericho said.
"What?" I asked.
"I…you are fabulous Stephanie," Jericho said. "And I've wanted you for so long. I figured keeping you close would give you the time to get over Hunter before I made a move."
"Chris," I sighed. "I want to be…"
"Stephanie, we would be fabulous," Chris said.
"I know," I said. "And I love that you believe in me. But, would you think I was crazy if I told you I wanted to be on my own for awhile?"
"I guess not," Chris said. "And you can get whatever you really want."
"Thank you," I said.
"Just…keep me in mind," Jericho said.
"I'll do that," I said. I leaned over and gently kissed him on the cheek. "You're a great guy. Never let anyone tell you differently."
I stood up and I walked out of the room…happy to be on my own for once.
// Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own //