Jerk!
:WAITING
Mewtwo: (Sitting at desk, reading a speech) ...but most of all, I'd like to take a
moment to thank the one person who's made all of this possible... (close up) me,
Mewtwo! Thank you, me!
Eneti: Ten seconds, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Ok, everyone, on your toes, let's be really great tonight. I can see it now...
first, the Fanfiction Ace Awards. Then the Emmy, Tony, Oscar, Shecky, Lulu,
Dean Martin roast, Secret Squares, Star Search, spokesmodel...
Celebi: HEY!!!
Mewtwo: Aaugh!
Celebi: ALL HAIL CELEBI!
Mewtwo: No!
Celebi: Let Celebi do the intro! Live from New Island, it's Celebi!
Mewtwo: No!
Celebi: Let Celebi sing the theme!
Mewtwo: No, no, no, no!
Celebi: La la la la la la!
Eneti: You're on!
Opening theme and titles, Celebi sings along.
Mewtwo: Who let that little creep on? Did anyone listen to what I said? Didn't
I just get done telling everyone, I want this show to be as smooth as a baby
Pichu's...
Lugia: MEWTWO!
Mewtwo: What?
Eneti: Like, we're on the air, man!
Mewtwo: Wait, I'm not ready! That little creep threw me off! Ok, start over!
Eneti: What?
Lugia: You jerk, Mewtwo, we're live! You can't start over!
Mewtwo: Um, uh, well then, un, everyone close your eyes!
Lugia: What?
Mewtwo: CLOSE THEM!
Lugia: Oy gevalt! (closes eyes)
Mewtwo: You too, home citizens!
Quick! Turn off your computer for five seconds!
Mewtwo: Ok, now. Open them.
Lugia: (eyes still closed) Aaagh! Ayee! My eyelids are encrustd shut! Help me!
Help meeeeee!
Mewtwo: (low voice) Ten seconds, and already, this one's in the toliet. (normal
voice) Oh, er, um, Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! (laughs) Whoopsie daisy! As you
can see, things are a little bit zany tonight, a little wacky, a little kooky. (ripping
sound)
Lugia: Wacky?
Eneti: Kooky?
Mewtwo: That's because tonight's show is a real doozy. My guest's is that
sassy chanteuse, Sandra Bernhard, and...wait a second...Eneti, is this right?
A mere hardware store owner, on tonight's award-winnable doozy?
Eneti: His name is Palmer Mills...nice guy.
Mewtwo: An average citizen, on my doozy? Eneti, what gives?
Eneti: Eh, we got him, dirt cheap.
Mewtwo: (disapointed sigh) Uh, well, besides that star studded line-up, we've
added oodles of exciting new features to our show.
Lugia: What a load of sh...
Mewtwo: What's that, Lugia? What are those loads of excitement? Well, for
starters, we have a live studio audience here in our studio! Completely live!
(applause) We'll also be taking your live calls and questions, here at New
Island, live! (phone rings) Now now!
DO NOT CALL IN...
THIS IS A FANFICTION JOKE SHOW
WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?
Mewtwo: And finally, we'll have a human sacrifice of Lance! (does double take)
What?
Lugia: (evil laugh) Live!
Mewtwo: Eh, not happening!
Lugia: Rats.
Audience: Boooo!
Mewtwo: Before we start tonight's incredible show, let's say hello to our live
studio audience.
The audience is full of Lugia's family.
Mewtwo: Oh, my God! It's the lone audience of the apocalypse! Lugia, do you
know these people?
Lugia: Nein! Nein! What are you inferring, Mewtwo?
Uncle Sally: (in Southern accent) Lu-gia! Lu-gia! Ovah heah!
Aunt Omar: Hi, Lu-gia!
Lugia: Oh, uh, hi, Uncle Sally, Aunt Omar. Uh, sorry about your son, Ray-Ray
Aunt Omar: That's ok, we was gonna feed him to a Tenacruel! (Laughs)
Mewtwo: I don't find THAT funny.
Lugia: Don't be such a jerk, Mewtwo!
Mewtwo: That's the second time you called me a jerk tonight!
Lugia: Oh, my, Mew Jerk can count!
Audience: (laughter)
Mewtwo: Don't call me a jerk, Lugia! You...you...you jerk!
Lugia: I'm not a jerk! You're the jerk!
Mewtwo: No, you are!
Lugia: You are!
Mewtwo: You are!
Lugia: You are!
Mewtwo: Jerk!
Lugia: Jerk!
Mewtwo: Jerk!
They say "Jerk" faster and faster.
Mewtwo: Enough! We've wasted too much award-winning time! Eneti, first guest!
Get Sandra on!
Eneti: Yeah, whatever...jerk!
Mewtwo: My first guest is that wild and crazy girl of the minute, star of her own
multi-something extravaganza, Sandra Berhard!
Eneti: Sorry, man, she, she's not ready.
Mewtwo: Oh, this is great! Just dandy! Now, I have to that ordinary guest guy!
Salesman: (Appears on monitor) For your free copy...
Mewtwo: (Monitor changes again, showing Palmer Mills) Who's that?
Eneti: It's your guest.
Mewtwo: Oh, terrific! Whoopee! Welcome to the show, plain old average garden
variety non-celebrity citizen whatever.
Palmer Mills: Glad to be here with you today.
Mewtwo: Yeah, I bet you are, Joe What's-his-face. (condescending) So, you
own a hardware store! How nice! Any interesting stories to tell?!
Palmer Mills: I thought you'd ask that...
Mewtwo: Nope, didn't think so. You know, I could punt you like a football all
the way from here to Nantucket from now til' Doomsday!
Palmer Mills: (Stares back) Well...
Mewtwo: You think it'll rain today? How about those Dallas Cowboys? Better
yet, how about those Atlanta Braves? BOXERS OR BRIEFS?!
Palmer Mills: Well, that's a rather pointed questions?
Mewtwo: Well, that's what you average citizens talk about, right? Hmmmmm,
huh, hmmmmmm? ANSWER ME!!!
Lugia: Mewtwo, he's a guest!
Mewtwo: Some guest he is! Look at him, he's mundaning up my whole show!
How can I win any awards with material like this? This show needs oomph,
pizzazz, joy d' vivre! Eneti! Is Sandra ready yet?!
Eneti: Well, um...no.
Mewtwo: Plan B! Take some calls! (phone rings, he answers) Welcome to my
shoe, caller, what would you like to talk to me about?
Caller 1: Actually, I'd like to ask Palmer Mills what he thinks of Tim Allen.
Palmer Mills: Tim Allen, well, he doesn't own a store in our town.
Eneti, Lugia, and the audience laugh.
Mewtwo: Hey, I do the jokes here! NEXT CALLER! You're on the air with Mewtwo!
Suicune (Caller 2): Hello, hello.
Mewtwo: Yes, you're on the air!
Suicune: Yes, do you sell anything to eraticate big silver diving birds?
Lugia: What! Is that you, Suicune?!
Palmer Mills: Sevindust. Malathion. Either one of those would be great.
Mewtwo: Hmmmm! Sevindust with a Metool. I'll have to remember that. Hey,
you know something, what's-your-face? I should stop by your store. I need to
replace my...orgone...zargon...um, Zorganite...
Lugia: Heh heh...
Palmer Mills: Zorgonute Branch.
Mewtwo: I know how to say it, foolish mortal! I am a talk show host, and a
rare pokémon. I can say things! I can say LOTS of things! Tuna fish, Parentheses,
Coochie-Coochie girl Charo, Izzy Glow, Drop Dead, uh...Garbage...Zingnut Ranch!
Palmer Mills: Zorgonute Branch.
Mewtwo: That tears it! No skinny pink boy's going to tell me how to say things on
my show! Eneti, get him off!
Audience: BOOOOO!
Lugia: Sheesh! What a jerk!
Mewtwo: Everyone be quiet, or I'll kill you all! ENETI! SANDRA BERNHARD! NOW!
Eneti: She went out for, uh...knishes.
Mewtwo: (pause) Ok, ok, I think we should take a break. Now, let's go to break.
Celebi: Hail Celebi!
Eneti: Hail Celebi!
Audience: HAIL CELEBI!
Mewtwo: Not Celebi! BREAK! BREAK!!
Audience: (Chanting) HAIL CELEBI! HAIL CELEBI! HAIL CELEBI!
:INTERRUPT FEED
Mewtwo: (Sigh) I'm an unhappy Togepi...
:START FEED
Eneti: Sorry about M2 out there, man. He's, he's bein' a real jerk tonight.
Palmer Mills: I was a bit blundersome on some of them, wasn't I?
Eneti: No, you were great man! You were great! We're still on for goin' fishin'?
Is this weekend good for you?
Palmer Mills: Any time, any time.
Audience: (Applause)
Mewtwo: LUGIA, I'M WARNING YOU!
Lugia: (blows raspberry)
Eneti: Ix-nay, Two-me-nay.
Mewtwo: Oh, hi! Welcome back to our show, where any day no,w my guest will
be the lovely Sandra Bernhard...in the meantime, let's take some calls from you,
the veiwers. Hello, you're on the air.
Caller 3: Yeah, I have a question for Mr. Mills.
Mewtwo: He's off the show. Next?
Caller 4: Yes, I have a question for Sandra.
Mewtwo: Sorry, she's not here yet. You have any questions for me?
Caller 4: No, I don't, you little bug-eyed freak! (Hangs-up)
Mewtwo: (Sullen) Does any one want to speak to me? I'm the host! (Angry now)
NEXT CALLER!
Clair (Caller 5): (in a very sexy voice) Lugia?
Lugia: Yeeeees?
Clair: Play "Misty's Song" for me.
Lugia: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Mewtwo: NEXT CALLER!
Caller 6: Is your refrigerator running?
Mewtwo: What a stupid question, of course it is!
Caller 6: Better go catch it!
Everyone laughs, but Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!
Lugia: What a jerk!
Mewtwo: HELLO!!!
Caller 7: (Nerdy voice) Paging Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: YOU?! Haven't I told you not to call here?! HANG UP! (Click!) ENETI,
NEXT CALLER!
Caller 8: (Actually Ash and Misty) (Busy tone) Jerk!
Mewtwo: Next caller!
Caller 9: Yes, is this Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: Yes, it's me.
Caller 9: Hello. I'm calling to tell you about your free psychic reading from
Psychic Inc. of Goldenrod.
Mewtwo: Egh, not interested!
Caller 9: If I could just have your age and credit card...
Mewtwo: GO BLOW MILTANKS, WAGE SLAVE!
Caller 9: YOU JERK! (Slams phone down, busy tone)
Lugia: Why are you being such a jerk tonight, Mewtwo? Is it...the loneliness?
Mewtwo: Well...
The audience laughs.
Mewtwo: Hey, I'm not lonely, and I'm not a jerk!
Lugia: YES! YES! YOU'RE THE LONELIEST, JERKIEST, JERK! YOU'RE KING JERK!
Mewtwo: Lugia!
Lugia: Lord jerk! Emperor jerk! POPE OF THE JERKS!
Mewtwo: LUGIA!
Lugia: Jerk-miester, Jerk-a-rino, Jerk-enstien, beef jerky, jerky beefaghetti boy,
JERK-A-MUNDO!
Mewtwo: Lugia, I'm rubber and you are glue, Lugia.
Lugia: Only the Grand King Jerk would say that!
Mewtwo: ENETI! THE PHONE!
Eneti: (laughs)
Mewtwo ENETI!!!
Eneti (still laughing) What?
Mewtwo: THE PHONE!!!
Eneti: Uh, yeah, um, could you get that?
Mewtwo: Fine, then! Hello? ...Uh, hello?
Giovanni: Hello, Mewtwo...
Mewtwo: Th-that...that voice!
Giovanni: Do you know who this is, Mewwikins?
Mewtwo: My God! I know that voice, but it can't be! You're-
Giovanni: In Viridan Prison? Oh no, Mewwy Boy, not anymore. I ESCAPED LAST
NIGHT!
Mewtwo: Now look, Gio...
Lugia: Who's Gio?
Mewtwo: Oh, just evil, plain and simple, that's all. Let's not discuss this.
Lugia: Evil Gio? Sounds like a crappy video game company.
Mewtwo: Actually, it's not...he's...(dramatic sting music) GIOVANNI!!!
Lugia: Giovanni?
Mewtwo: Yes, the leader of Team Rocket, Giovanni. He was my master. Doesn't
anyone here have a master.
Eneti: Nope.
Lugia: Not me, brother.
Palmer Mills: No, no, no.
Mewtwo: (pause) Ah, we walked alike, we talked alike...
Lugia: What a crazy pair!
Mewtwo: And then one day, a boy named Ash made him lose control.
Giovanni: Mewtwo, do you remember when you was a child? How I used to
make you cry. Ai, Mewtwo! Remember Ai? How she was killed by our very own
Rocket Gang, until you got your knees with tears runnin' down your face, then...
Mewtwo: (Nervously) I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, I GOT A SHOW TO DO! (Hides
under his desk)
Giovanni: Wait for me, Two. Wait for me, I'll be right over! FWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-
HA-HA-HA! (Hangs up, busy tone)
Everyone is shocked.
Lugia: Psst! Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: Uh, yes?
Lugia: Is Giovanni a jerk just like you?
The audience laughs some more.
Mewtwo: (emerges from desk) I've had it with you, Mr. Funny Bird! You don't
want to me to win any awards, do you, Mr. Funny Bird?!
Lugia: Mr. Funny Bird?
Audience: (in unison) Mr. Funny Bird?!
Sandra Bernhard: (Finally on screen, laughs)
Lugia: (stares at Sandra)
Mewtwo: Sandra, can't you see I'm in the middle of something?
Sandra stares at Lugia.
Mewtwo: Uh, SANDRA! Eneti, why didn't you tell me she was ready? Welcome,
Sandra, it's about time...I mean, welcome to the show!
Audience: (appluase)
Sandra Bernhard: Wow!
Lugia: Hey, Sandra, what do you call Mewtwo drinkin' Nurse Cola?
Sandra Bernhard: Um...
Lugia: A SODA JERK!
The audience laughs.
Mewtwo: Hey, I want a big laugh like Lugia! Eneti, get me a big laugh!
Eneti throws a switch, and a feeble laugh comes out.
Mewtwo: That's a big laugh? Eh, heh, eh, Sandra, tell us about your super powers.
Sandra Bernhard: My super powers?
Mewtwo: Yes, yes, your super powers.
Sandra Bernhard: I can psychically read every thought inside your mind right now,
if you have any, wait...I have to take a moment to see if you're actually thinking.
Mewtwo: (closes his eyes and thinks) (Need Protein...I'd love to clone Mew...
Hmm...Clone her twice! Drink some whiskey...)
Sandra Bernhard: You want to clone Mew...twice. Drink some whiskey...and eat
a chimichanga!
Mewtwo: AH! SHE'S SCANNING ME!
Sandra Bernhard: (laughs)
Mewtwo: Get out of my mind, Sandra! You're freaking me out!
Sandra Bernhard: I'm the kind of girl you don't bring home to mother. Understand?
Lugia: She's alright!
Eneti: She IS alright!
Lugia: That girl's al-l-l-l-right! She's...real people!
Mewtwo: Ehhhhh, yeah.
Sandra Bernhard: That's one of my super powers.
Mewtwo: Ahem, let's take some calls for Sandra. Hi, you're on the air.
Lance (Caller 10): (sexier voice) Do you know what I'm thinking, Sandra?
Sandra Bernhard: Oh, I know what your thinking, I can't have Vicious bust this
fic up to a lemon, though.
Mewtwo: Let's take some SERIOUS calls, please! Next caller! Hello?
Celebi (Caller 11): DO YOU HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN?!
Sandra Bernhard: (laughs)
Mewtwo: Don't encourage them, Sandra! Next caller! We're speaking with
Sandra Bernhard!
Caller 12: Yeah, um, what fic comes up after this? My, um, browser shut down on
me.
Mewtwo: NEXT CALLER!
Caller 13: Yes, can I see your muscles?
Mewtwo: Why, yes! Admire my-
Caller 13: Not yours, hers, you jerk!
Mewtwo looks disapointed after that.
Sandra Bernhard: (rolls up sleeve) Ok, well, I'm not going to show them all, but
I will show you this one. (Flexes bicep) Not bad, huh?
Mewtwo: (still disapointed) Yeah, great, Sandra. NEXT!
Lugia: Jerk!
Steven Richards of the RTC (Caller 14): Mr. Mewtwo? This is Steven Richards
of the Right to Censor...
Mewtwo: (Franticly) ENETI, NEXT CALL!!!
Steven: Hello? (Feedback increases)
Mewtwo: Caller, turn down your set!
Steven: Hello-o-o?
Mewtwo: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! NEXT CALLER, NOW!!!
Caller 15: The tingler, the tingler is loose in the theatre, scream ,scream for your
lives!
Lugia: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Eneti: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Audience: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sandra Bernhard: Wow!
Mewtwo: Sandra, for you and you alone, this night...will be forgotten...
Salesman: (zaps on) Well, there we are... (zaps off and Celebi appears)
Celebi: ALL HAIL CELEBI!
Mewtwo: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! Eneti, stop the tape!
Celebi: WAAAAAHHH!!! You hurt Celebi's feelings!
Mewtwo: This isn't a talk show, it's a freak show! Get out everyone, the shows
over, out with you!
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Lugia: Good luck winning an award for this one, Mew Jerk!
Mewtwo: I don't care. I don't need any awards! I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU! I'm
Mewtwo! The rest of you are all cogs, extras, faces in the crowd, 9 to 5 nobodies!
You're all cannon fodder, you hear?! You're the guys in red suits on "Star Trek".
GET OUT!!!
He creates a big aura, and everyone except him vanishes.
Mewtwo: ...Well, I sure blew it. I'm never gonna win any awards after this fiasco!
Never, never, never! It's so unfair! I feel like such a jerk!
The room is now eeriely quiet.
Mewtwo: Boy, it sure is creepy here, all alone... (pause) Hey! If I'm alone here...
th-then who's behind the camera?
Giovanni: Are you ready to be enslaved again...Mewtwo? FWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-
HA-HA-HA-HA!
Mewtwo: OH...MY......Mommy?!?
(credits roll with Mewtwo frozen in shock on the side)
Lugia: She's alright!
Eneti: She IS alright!
EPISODE 17: JERK!
(Phone clicks)
:WAITING
Mewtwo: (Sitting at desk, reading a speech) ...but most of all, I'd like to take a
moment to thank the one person who's made all of this possible... (close up) me,
Mewtwo! Thank you, me!
Eneti: Ten seconds, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Ok, everyone, on your toes, let's be really great tonight. I can see it now...
first, the Fanfiction Ace Awards. Then the Emmy, Tony, Oscar, Shecky, Lulu,
Dean Martin roast, Secret Squares, Star Search, spokesmodel...
Celebi: HEY!!!
Mewtwo: Aaugh!
Celebi: ALL HAIL CELEBI!
Mewtwo: No!
Celebi: Let Celebi do the intro! Live from New Island, it's Celebi!
Mewtwo: No!
Celebi: Let Celebi sing the theme!
Mewtwo: No, no, no, no!
Celebi: La la la la la la!
Eneti: You're on!
Opening theme and titles, Celebi sings along.
Mewtwo: Who let that little creep on? Did anyone listen to what I said? Didn't
I just get done telling everyone, I want this show to be as smooth as a baby
Pichu's...
Lugia: MEWTWO!
Mewtwo: What?
Eneti: Like, we're on the air, man!
Mewtwo: Wait, I'm not ready! That little creep threw me off! Ok, start over!
Eneti: What?
Lugia: You jerk, Mewtwo, we're live! You can't start over!
Mewtwo: Um, uh, well then, un, everyone close your eyes!
Lugia: What?
Mewtwo: CLOSE THEM!
Lugia: Oy gevalt! (closes eyes)
Mewtwo: You too, home citizens!
Quick! Turn off your computer for five seconds!
Mewtwo: Ok, now. Open them.
Lugia: (eyes still closed) Aaagh! Ayee! My eyelids are encrustd shut! Help me!
Help meeeeee!
Mewtwo: (low voice) Ten seconds, and already, this one's in the toliet. (normal
voice) Oh, er, um, Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! (laughs) Whoopsie daisy! As you
can see, things are a little bit zany tonight, a little wacky, a little kooky. (ripping
sound)
Lugia: Wacky?
Eneti: Kooky?
Mewtwo: That's because tonight's show is a real doozy. My guest's is that
sassy chanteuse, Sandra Bernhard, and...wait a second...Eneti, is this right?
A mere hardware store owner, on tonight's award-winnable doozy?
Eneti: His name is Palmer Mills...nice guy.
Mewtwo: An average citizen, on my doozy? Eneti, what gives?
Eneti: Eh, we got him, dirt cheap.
Mewtwo: (disapointed sigh) Uh, well, besides that star studded line-up, we've
added oodles of exciting new features to our show.
Lugia: What a load of sh...
Mewtwo: What's that, Lugia? What are those loads of excitement? Well, for
starters, we have a live studio audience here in our studio! Completely live!
(applause) We'll also be taking your live calls and questions, here at New
Island, live! (phone rings) Now now!
DO NOT CALL IN...
THIS IS A FANFICTION JOKE SHOW
WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?
Mewtwo: And finally, we'll have a human sacrifice of Lance! (does double take)
What?
Lugia: (evil laugh) Live!
Mewtwo: Eh, not happening!
Lugia: Rats.
Audience: Boooo!
Mewtwo: Before we start tonight's incredible show, let's say hello to our live
studio audience.
The audience is full of Lugia's family.
Mewtwo: Oh, my God! It's the lone audience of the apocalypse! Lugia, do you
know these people?
Lugia: Nein! Nein! What are you inferring, Mewtwo?
Uncle Sally: (in Southern accent) Lu-gia! Lu-gia! Ovah heah!
Aunt Omar: Hi, Lu-gia!
Lugia: Oh, uh, hi, Uncle Sally, Aunt Omar. Uh, sorry about your son, Ray-Ray
Aunt Omar: That's ok, we was gonna feed him to a Tenacruel! (Laughs)
Mewtwo: I don't find THAT funny.
Lugia: Don't be such a jerk, Mewtwo!
Mewtwo: That's the second time you called me a jerk tonight!
Lugia: Oh, my, Mew Jerk can count!
Audience: (laughter)
Mewtwo: Don't call me a jerk, Lugia! You...you...you jerk!
Lugia: I'm not a jerk! You're the jerk!
Mewtwo: No, you are!
Lugia: You are!
Mewtwo: You are!
Lugia: You are!
Mewtwo: Jerk!
Lugia: Jerk!
Mewtwo: Jerk!
They say "Jerk" faster and faster.
Mewtwo: Enough! We've wasted too much award-winning time! Eneti, first guest!
Get Sandra on!
Eneti: Yeah, whatever...jerk!
Mewtwo: My first guest is that wild and crazy girl of the minute, star of her own
multi-something extravaganza, Sandra Berhard!
Eneti: Sorry, man, she, she's not ready.
Mewtwo: Oh, this is great! Just dandy! Now, I have to that ordinary guest guy!
Salesman: (Appears on monitor) For your free copy...
Mewtwo: (Monitor changes again, showing Palmer Mills) Who's that?
Eneti: It's your guest.
Mewtwo: Oh, terrific! Whoopee! Welcome to the show, plain old average garden
variety non-celebrity citizen whatever.
Palmer Mills: Glad to be here with you today.
Mewtwo: Yeah, I bet you are, Joe What's-his-face. (condescending) So, you
own a hardware store! How nice! Any interesting stories to tell?!
Palmer Mills: I thought you'd ask that...
Mewtwo: Nope, didn't think so. You know, I could punt you like a football all
the way from here to Nantucket from now til' Doomsday!
Palmer Mills: (Stares back) Well...
Mewtwo: You think it'll rain today? How about those Dallas Cowboys? Better
yet, how about those Atlanta Braves? BOXERS OR BRIEFS?!
Palmer Mills: Well, that's a rather pointed questions?
Mewtwo: Well, that's what you average citizens talk about, right? Hmmmmm,
huh, hmmmmmm? ANSWER ME!!!
Lugia: Mewtwo, he's a guest!
Mewtwo: Some guest he is! Look at him, he's mundaning up my whole show!
How can I win any awards with material like this? This show needs oomph,
pizzazz, joy d' vivre! Eneti! Is Sandra ready yet?!
Eneti: Well, um...no.
Mewtwo: Plan B! Take some calls! (phone rings, he answers) Welcome to my
shoe, caller, what would you like to talk to me about?
Caller 1: Actually, I'd like to ask Palmer Mills what he thinks of Tim Allen.
Palmer Mills: Tim Allen, well, he doesn't own a store in our town.
Eneti, Lugia, and the audience laugh.
Mewtwo: Hey, I do the jokes here! NEXT CALLER! You're on the air with Mewtwo!
Suicune (Caller 2): Hello, hello.
Mewtwo: Yes, you're on the air!
Suicune: Yes, do you sell anything to eraticate big silver diving birds?
Lugia: What! Is that you, Suicune?!
Palmer Mills: Sevindust. Malathion. Either one of those would be great.
Mewtwo: Hmmmm! Sevindust with a Metool. I'll have to remember that. Hey,
you know something, what's-your-face? I should stop by your store. I need to
replace my...orgone...zargon...um, Zorganite...
Lugia: Heh heh...
Palmer Mills: Zorgonute Branch.
Mewtwo: I know how to say it, foolish mortal! I am a talk show host, and a
rare pokémon. I can say things! I can say LOTS of things! Tuna fish, Parentheses,
Coochie-Coochie girl Charo, Izzy Glow, Drop Dead, uh...Garbage...Zingnut Ranch!
Palmer Mills: Zorgonute Branch.
Mewtwo: That tears it! No skinny pink boy's going to tell me how to say things on
my show! Eneti, get him off!
Audience: BOOOOO!
Lugia: Sheesh! What a jerk!
Mewtwo: Everyone be quiet, or I'll kill you all! ENETI! SANDRA BERNHARD! NOW!
Eneti: She went out for, uh...knishes.
Mewtwo: (pause) Ok, ok, I think we should take a break. Now, let's go to break.
Celebi: Hail Celebi!
Eneti: Hail Celebi!
Audience: HAIL CELEBI!
Mewtwo: Not Celebi! BREAK! BREAK!!
Audience: (Chanting) HAIL CELEBI! HAIL CELEBI! HAIL CELEBI!
:INTERRUPT FEED
Mewtwo: (Sigh) I'm an unhappy Togepi...
:START FEED
Eneti: Sorry about M2 out there, man. He's, he's bein' a real jerk tonight.
Palmer Mills: I was a bit blundersome on some of them, wasn't I?
Eneti: No, you were great man! You were great! We're still on for goin' fishin'?
Is this weekend good for you?
Palmer Mills: Any time, any time.
Audience: (Applause)
Mewtwo: LUGIA, I'M WARNING YOU!
Lugia: (blows raspberry)
Eneti: Ix-nay, Two-me-nay.
Mewtwo: Oh, hi! Welcome back to our show, where any day no,w my guest will
be the lovely Sandra Bernhard...in the meantime, let's take some calls from you,
the veiwers. Hello, you're on the air.
Caller 3: Yeah, I have a question for Mr. Mills.
Mewtwo: He's off the show. Next?
Caller 4: Yes, I have a question for Sandra.
Mewtwo: Sorry, she's not here yet. You have any questions for me?
Caller 4: No, I don't, you little bug-eyed freak! (Hangs-up)
Mewtwo: (Sullen) Does any one want to speak to me? I'm the host! (Angry now)
NEXT CALLER!
Clair (Caller 5): (in a very sexy voice) Lugia?
Lugia: Yeeeees?
Clair: Play "Misty's Song" for me.
Lugia: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Mewtwo: NEXT CALLER!
Caller 6: Is your refrigerator running?
Mewtwo: What a stupid question, of course it is!
Caller 6: Better go catch it!
Everyone laughs, but Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!
Lugia: What a jerk!
Mewtwo: HELLO!!!
Caller 7: (Nerdy voice) Paging Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: YOU?! Haven't I told you not to call here?! HANG UP! (Click!) ENETI,
NEXT CALLER!
Caller 8: (Actually Ash and Misty) (Busy tone) Jerk!
Mewtwo: Next caller!
Caller 9: Yes, is this Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: Yes, it's me.
Caller 9: Hello. I'm calling to tell you about your free psychic reading from
Psychic Inc. of Goldenrod.
Mewtwo: Egh, not interested!
Caller 9: If I could just have your age and credit card...
Mewtwo: GO BLOW MILTANKS, WAGE SLAVE!
Caller 9: YOU JERK! (Slams phone down, busy tone)
Lugia: Why are you being such a jerk tonight, Mewtwo? Is it...the loneliness?
Mewtwo: Well...
The audience laughs.
Mewtwo: Hey, I'm not lonely, and I'm not a jerk!
Lugia: YES! YES! YOU'RE THE LONELIEST, JERKIEST, JERK! YOU'RE KING JERK!
Mewtwo: Lugia!
Lugia: Lord jerk! Emperor jerk! POPE OF THE JERKS!
Mewtwo: LUGIA!
Lugia: Jerk-miester, Jerk-a-rino, Jerk-enstien, beef jerky, jerky beefaghetti boy,
JERK-A-MUNDO!
Mewtwo: Lugia, I'm rubber and you are glue, Lugia.
Lugia: Only the Grand King Jerk would say that!
Mewtwo: ENETI! THE PHONE!
Eneti: (laughs)
Mewtwo ENETI!!!
Eneti (still laughing) What?
Mewtwo: THE PHONE!!!
Eneti: Uh, yeah, um, could you get that?
Mewtwo: Fine, then! Hello? ...Uh, hello?
Giovanni: Hello, Mewtwo...
Mewtwo: Th-that...that voice!
Giovanni: Do you know who this is, Mewwikins?
Mewtwo: My God! I know that voice, but it can't be! You're-
Giovanni: In Viridan Prison? Oh no, Mewwy Boy, not anymore. I ESCAPED LAST
NIGHT!
Mewtwo: Now look, Gio...
Lugia: Who's Gio?
Mewtwo: Oh, just evil, plain and simple, that's all. Let's not discuss this.
Lugia: Evil Gio? Sounds like a crappy video game company.
Mewtwo: Actually, it's not...he's...(dramatic sting music) GIOVANNI!!!
Lugia: Giovanni?
Mewtwo: Yes, the leader of Team Rocket, Giovanni. He was my master. Doesn't
anyone here have a master.
Eneti: Nope.
Lugia: Not me, brother.
Palmer Mills: No, no, no.
Mewtwo: (pause) Ah, we walked alike, we talked alike...
Lugia: What a crazy pair!
Mewtwo: And then one day, a boy named Ash made him lose control.
Giovanni: Mewtwo, do you remember when you was a child? How I used to
make you cry. Ai, Mewtwo! Remember Ai? How she was killed by our very own
Rocket Gang, until you got your knees with tears runnin' down your face, then...
Mewtwo: (Nervously) I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, I GOT A SHOW TO DO! (Hides
under his desk)
Giovanni: Wait for me, Two. Wait for me, I'll be right over! FWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-
HA-HA-HA! (Hangs up, busy tone)
Everyone is shocked.
Lugia: Psst! Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: Uh, yes?
Lugia: Is Giovanni a jerk just like you?
The audience laughs some more.
Mewtwo: (emerges from desk) I've had it with you, Mr. Funny Bird! You don't
want to me to win any awards, do you, Mr. Funny Bird?!
Lugia: Mr. Funny Bird?
Audience: (in unison) Mr. Funny Bird?!
Sandra Bernhard: (Finally on screen, laughs)
Lugia: (stares at Sandra)
Mewtwo: Sandra, can't you see I'm in the middle of something?
Sandra stares at Lugia.
Mewtwo: Uh, SANDRA! Eneti, why didn't you tell me she was ready? Welcome,
Sandra, it's about time...I mean, welcome to the show!
Audience: (appluase)
Sandra Bernhard: Wow!
Lugia: Hey, Sandra, what do you call Mewtwo drinkin' Nurse Cola?
Sandra Bernhard: Um...
Lugia: A SODA JERK!
The audience laughs.
Mewtwo: Hey, I want a big laugh like Lugia! Eneti, get me a big laugh!
Eneti throws a switch, and a feeble laugh comes out.
Mewtwo: That's a big laugh? Eh, heh, eh, Sandra, tell us about your super powers.
Sandra Bernhard: My super powers?
Mewtwo: Yes, yes, your super powers.
Sandra Bernhard: I can psychically read every thought inside your mind right now,
if you have any, wait...I have to take a moment to see if you're actually thinking.
Mewtwo: (closes his eyes and thinks) (Need Protein...I'd love to clone Mew...
Hmm...Clone her twice! Drink some whiskey...)
Sandra Bernhard: You want to clone Mew...twice. Drink some whiskey...and eat
a chimichanga!
Mewtwo: AH! SHE'S SCANNING ME!
Sandra Bernhard: (laughs)
Mewtwo: Get out of my mind, Sandra! You're freaking me out!
Sandra Bernhard: I'm the kind of girl you don't bring home to mother. Understand?
Lugia: She's alright!
Eneti: She IS alright!
Lugia: That girl's al-l-l-l-right! She's...real people!
Mewtwo: Ehhhhh, yeah.
Sandra Bernhard: That's one of my super powers.
Mewtwo: Ahem, let's take some calls for Sandra. Hi, you're on the air.
Lance (Caller 10): (sexier voice) Do you know what I'm thinking, Sandra?
Sandra Bernhard: Oh, I know what your thinking, I can't have Vicious bust this
fic up to a lemon, though.
Mewtwo: Let's take some SERIOUS calls, please! Next caller! Hello?
Celebi (Caller 11): DO YOU HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN?!
Sandra Bernhard: (laughs)
Mewtwo: Don't encourage them, Sandra! Next caller! We're speaking with
Sandra Bernhard!
Caller 12: Yeah, um, what fic comes up after this? My, um, browser shut down on
me.
Mewtwo: NEXT CALLER!
Caller 13: Yes, can I see your muscles?
Mewtwo: Why, yes! Admire my-
Caller 13: Not yours, hers, you jerk!
Mewtwo looks disapointed after that.
Sandra Bernhard: (rolls up sleeve) Ok, well, I'm not going to show them all, but
I will show you this one. (Flexes bicep) Not bad, huh?
Mewtwo: (still disapointed) Yeah, great, Sandra. NEXT!
Lugia: Jerk!
Steven Richards of the RTC (Caller 14): Mr. Mewtwo? This is Steven Richards
of the Right to Censor...
Mewtwo: (Franticly) ENETI, NEXT CALL!!!
Steven: Hello? (Feedback increases)
Mewtwo: Caller, turn down your set!
Steven: Hello-o-o?
Mewtwo: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! NEXT CALLER, NOW!!!
Caller 15: The tingler, the tingler is loose in the theatre, scream ,scream for your
lives!
Lugia: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Eneti: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Audience: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sandra Bernhard: Wow!
Mewtwo: Sandra, for you and you alone, this night...will be forgotten...
Salesman: (zaps on) Well, there we are... (zaps off and Celebi appears)
Celebi: ALL HAIL CELEBI!
Mewtwo: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! Eneti, stop the tape!
Celebi: WAAAAAHHH!!! You hurt Celebi's feelings!
Mewtwo: This isn't a talk show, it's a freak show! Get out everyone, the shows
over, out with you!
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Lugia: Good luck winning an award for this one, Mew Jerk!
Mewtwo: I don't care. I don't need any awards! I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU! I'm
Mewtwo! The rest of you are all cogs, extras, faces in the crowd, 9 to 5 nobodies!
You're all cannon fodder, you hear?! You're the guys in red suits on "Star Trek".
GET OUT!!!
He creates a big aura, and everyone except him vanishes.
Mewtwo: ...Well, I sure blew it. I'm never gonna win any awards after this fiasco!
Never, never, never! It's so unfair! I feel like such a jerk!
The room is now eeriely quiet.
Mewtwo: Boy, it sure is creepy here, all alone... (pause) Hey! If I'm alone here...
th-then who's behind the camera?
Giovanni: Are you ready to be enslaved again...Mewtwo? FWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-
HA-HA-HA-HA!
Mewtwo: OH...MY......Mommy?!?
(credits roll with Mewtwo frozen in shock on the side)
Lugia: She's alright!
Eneti: She IS alright!
EPISODE 17: JERK!
(Phone clicks)