The Shin-ra Hole
(Fade in: Dave Thomas is on the monitor)
Dave Thomas: Alright, I'll do it. Do I get a gun?
Lugia: Yeah, but use your own piece. I can't be connected in, uh, any way.
(Mewtwo teleports in to his desk)
Dave Thomas: (clears his throat, alerting Lugia to M2's arrival)
Lugia: Yeah, Dave, uh, that, uh...
Dave Thomas: Um...
Lugia: ... fair was, uh... fun.
Dave Thomas: Yeah.
Lugia: Yeah.
Mewtwo: You weren't in any fair!
Lugia: (laughs)
Mewtwo: I heard you tellin' Dave to shoot me in the brain with a laser, out behind the dumpster.
Dave Thomas: Ah...
Lugia: Aw, c'mon, that doesn't sound like me.
Mewtwo: That makes me sad.
Lugia: I never said that!
Mewtwo: Yeah, you did.
Lugia: We're buds!
Mewtwo: Well, I heard it.
Lugia: I never said that, and I would never say that.
Mewtwo: Dave heard it, didn't you, Dave?
Dave Thomas: (nods slowly)
Lugia: (laughs) Oh, now I remember! I did tell him that, didn't I?
Dave Thomas: Are you gonna do anything about it, or are you just gonna hold a grudge here...
Mewtwo: I'm not gonna hold a grudge. I, I'm just gonna go to my room and never do the show again.
Lugia: There you go.
Mewtwo: And, I won't speak to any of you ever again!
Lugia: That'll work.
Mewtwo: And since there's no food in my room, I'll probably just die there.
Dave Thomas: Okay... (exhales)
(Cut to control room; Eneti watches on his monitor)
Mewtwo: How would that be... ya fat babies?
Eneti: Good!
(Cut back to studio)
Lugia: Yeah, good.
Dave Thomas: (chuckles)
Mewtwo: (takes off from his desk, flies off the set)
Dave Thomas: Okay, this is my show, now that Mewtwo is gone, this is the Dave Thomas Show.
Lugia: Yeah!!
Dave Thomas: Mewtwo won't be able to be back for the rest of the day.
Lugia: Awright!
Dave Thomas: I've often wondered from watching your show...
(As Dave talks, Mewtwo is silhouetted in the foreground, watching the set unseen, thinking to himself)
Mewtwo: [So we forgot all about our good friend Mewtwo...]
Dave Thomas: (to Lugia) ... how tall are you?
Lugia: Eh, about seventeen feet. But I am getting smaller.
Dave Thomas: Seventeen feet tall.
Lugia: Yeah, I'm pretty big.
Dave Thomas: I'm impressed.
Lugia: I know.
Mewtwo: (still thinking to himself) (mocking) ["How tall are you? I'm pretty tall."] (walks out of shadows)
Dave Thomas: How much can you bench press?
Lugia: Eh, about 3,200.
Dave Thomas: I could tell that from your over-developed quads.
Eneti: (stammering) Hey Dave, Dave, ask me how tall... how I can press.
Mewtwo: (walks in front of Lugia's keyboard pod) Did it just get noisier in here? (he stops in front of his desk) It stopped. (quietly, to Lugia) Hear how quiet it got? (sits down at his desk) Uh, so, how's the, uh, how's the show going?
Lugia: It's going pretty good!
Mewtwo: As if I care.
Lugia: It's funny.
Eneti: Yeah, too bad you're missing it.
Mewtwo: (looks at a cue card) What are y'all talking about?
Lugia: (to himself) We're not talking about anything, now that you're here.
Eneti: Actually, we were talking about...
Mewtwo: Oh, I heard it. Say, Dave...
Dave Thomas: Yeah?
Mewtwo: Why don't you ask Lugia about his hollow wings, and how you can break one off and sip a drink through it?
Dave Thomas: Oh god!
Mewtwo: If you'd ever want to put your lips on it.
Lugia: Hey, I thought you were leaving.
Mewtwo: But I don't think you'd want to put your lips on something like that. Would he, Lugia? Answer him. Answer me.
Lugia: This ain't your show. It's the Dave Thomas Show.
Mewtwo: I'm not here for your show. Your show's stupid and I hate it. And I never liked it.
Lugia: Uh huh.
Mewtwo: I never liked it, Lugia.
Lugia: Uh huh.
Mewtwo: I just came down to get my keys so I could.. drive over to where my new friends are.
Lugia: We don't care.
Mewtwo: Where it's fun.
Lugia: Well, go get 'em. What are you waitin' for?
Mewtwo: I don't know... I thought I'd say hello to Dave.
Dave Thomas: (looks back silently)
Mewtwo: Hey Dave.
Dave Thomas: Greetings, Mewtwo.
Lugia: Alright, you did that, now get your keys.
Mewtwo: (pounds his desk) Say Dave, tell me about your new projects.
Lugia: Hey! That's enough!
Eneti: Yeah man, leave.
Mewtwo: I am leavin'.
Eneti: So leave. I mean, you've been leavin' for five minutes.
Mewtwo: And I'm never comin' back.
Eneti: Good! Go! Bye!
Mewtwo: When I go, that's it.
Lugia: So go for [bleep] sake!
Dave Thomas: (looks shocked)
Mewtwo: (stares in silence)
Lugia: Dave doesn't want you on his show! Isn't that right, Dave?
Dave Thomas: (pauses) No no, no no no...
Eneti: Now man, you said it was your show...
Dave Thomas: Aw, c'mon.
Mewtwo: Fine, I'm leaving! (pounds his fist)
Dave Thomas: Alright, go ahead.
Mewtwo: Alright, I will go ahead!
Lugia: Then move it!
Eneti: Yeah, get outta here!
Mewtwo: (pauses) Hey hey, let's show some of my old clips.
Eneti: No!
Mewtwo: (pounds his desk) Fine, ya bunch of fat babies! Don't expect me back here any time forever! (pounds desk again)
Dave Thomas: What a shame.
Lugia: (laughs hysterically)
Eneti: (laughs hysterically)
Mewtwo: (flies off)
(Scene transition to the Shin-ra building)
Narrator: Outside the Shin-ra Building...
(Scene changes to a giant hole in the ground, with a rusted car and trashcans behind it, and a factory and polluted skyline in the background behind a chain link fence.)
Narrator: ... is this Hole...
Mewtwo: (rides by on a garden tractor) Hey Reno! My man! (Reno stands up, along with Rude, who ducks down again. Mewtwo's tractor goes off screen and stops)
Narrator: ... of Shin-ra.
Mewtwo: Gimme five, my man. I know you didn't ask me to, but I went ahead and mowed your lawn anyway.
Reno: Gee, thanks, uh... Mew...
Mewtwo: Mewtwo.
Reno: Yeah, that's what I said. Here's ten dollars.
Mewtwo: Here, let me get you some change in my inviso... (invisos out "by accident") Hey! Look at that! I turned invisible! (invisos back in) I don't want to tell you your job or anything, but I bet superpowers like that would come in pretty handy for you guys around the Hole of Shin-ra. (as Mewtwo talks, Elena and Tseng appear in the hole and behind the car and trash cans)
Reno: We can all do this. (all of them inviso out)
Mewtwo: Well, that makes us friends then, huh? Hello... hello... hello... (characters sneak away under inviso power) Where are you?!
(Back in the studio)
Lugia: (laughs) Hey hoser, you take off!
Dave Thomas: Hey, take off, Lugia.
Eneti: Hey wait, you guys, you guys...
Lugia: Take off, eh? (laughs)
Eneti: Dave, Dave, tell me to take off.
Dave Thomas: (stares back in silence)
Eneti: Oh c'mon, somebody tell me to take off, eh? (chuckles)
Dave Thomas: (silence)
Eneti: C'mon, do it.
Mewtwo: (teleports to set) Hey, take off, everyone! Take it all off!
Eneti: (groans)
Lugia: Aw, man!
Mewtwo: What?
Lugia: I thought you had some friends!
Mewtwo: I do.
Lugia: Then where are they?
Mewtwo: Uh... they were all out visiting other friends, uh, that I know through them. Dave, do you mind if I just sit here until my friends tell me where they are?
Dave Thomas: Yeah, I do mind. It bothers me when people do that.
Mewtwo: By "people", do you mean me?
Dave Thomas: Yeah.
Eneti: (standing by Mewtwo's desk) Dave, is there a problem here?
Dave Thomas: No, no problem at all.
Eneti: Because if there's a problem... (slaps cards down on Mewtwo's desk) I have the solution.
Dave Thomas: No problem.
Eneti: Alright, you just call me if you need anything, Dave.
Dave Thomas: Okay.
Eneti: (walking away) The Dave Thomas Show. Heh heh, I love it.
Mewtwo: He's not the host of the show.
Lugia: Yeah he is.
Mewtwo: No he isn't, and you shut up, because I'm about to conduct an interview.
Dave Thomas: Alright, Mewtwo, how thick is your neck?
Mewtwo: I'll ask the questions, Dave. How thick is my neck? It's 48 inches. (to himself) I don't know about my other neck though.
Dave Thomas: That's a decent sized neck.
Mewtwo: Radius, Dave.
Dave Thomas: 48 inch radius.
Mewtwo: Radius.
Dave Thomas: How do you measure it, with a straightened coat hanger or...
Mewtwo: I just cut my head off and count the rings on my esophagus.
Dave Thomas: Fair enough.
Mewtwo: What's that on your jaw, Dave? Oh-h-h, it's fat.
Dave Thomas: Thank you for even acknowledging that I have a jaw, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: (in low voice) Not much of one.
Dave Thomas: Hey.
Mewtwo: What?
Dave Thomas: I'm a guest. How about a little civility, Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: Oh, you're the guest. Then who's the host?
Dave Thomas: Of the Mewtwo show?
Mewtwo: Yeah, Dave. The Mewtwo show.
Dave Thomas: (pause) Uh... Lugia?
Lugia: (in background) Tell it on the mountain!
Mewtwo: No.
Dave Thomas: I.. Help me out here! Eneti?
Mewtwo: (aims his fist at Dave) Screw you all to hell! (prepares his psyblast)
Dave Thomas: Okay.
Mewtwo: (still aiming, ready to blast, with teeth clenched)
Dave Thomas: How's it goin', Lugia?
Lugia: Awesome, Dave.
Mewtwo: (still aiming) I'm serious!
Dave Thomas: Give it your best shot, big boy.
Mewtwo: (blasts Dave with his psyblast, but the blasts are deflected)
Dave Thomas: (chuckles) Think you need to take that in to the shop.
Mewtwo: (flies off)
Dave Thomas: (chuckles)
(Color swirly transition effect; back at the Hole of Shin-ra)
Mewtwo: Y'all in there? (Reno peers over the edge of the hole, in inviso mode) I know you're in there.
Reno: (invisos in) No, I, I was just testing it.
Mewtwo: Where is everyone?
Reno: They're... they're out killing stuff.
Mewtwo: I hope they don't kill their appetites! Because I just ordered us a large pizza! Y'all like pizza, don't ya?
Reno: Yeah. (the others peer over the hole's edit, in inviso mode) They won't be back for, like, a year. They're way out in Balamb. (points up)
Mewtwo: That's funny, I came by Balamb on my way over, and it doesn't have any people running around! (moves toward Reno, the others duck down)
Reno: Oh, gee, look, look, you really... you gotta go.
Mewtwo: I know you're invisible in there! Ya fat babies!
(Back in the studio)
Eneti: Okay, you ready?
Dave Thomas: Yeah.
Eneti: Alright! Start the music! (music starts, then he swings by on a rope) Whoa! (he lets go of the rope, and crashes off screen; smoke and flames erupt)
Dave Thomas: Lugia, comments?
Lugia: I'd say that... probably killed him.
Eneti: Oh, I'm not dead, I'm not dead, check it out. I can do that better, though.
Mewtwo: (teleports in) Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt. (walks in front of Lugia's keyboard pod, toward desk) I'm just Mewtwo, the guy the show's named after.
Dave Thomas: Welcome mat is out for you, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Nobody talk to me or look at me.
Lugia: Alright, we won't. (drinks from his coffee cup)
Eneti: You want to get out of the shot? (camera zooms in on Dave)
Mewtwo: (stepping between the camera and monitor, out of focus) Am I in the way here? Gosh, I hope not. (camera pans off of Mewtwo, he moves in front of it again)
Dave Thomas: You're kind of a one-trick pony, aren't you, Mewtwo? (laughing)
Mewtwo: (continues trying to stay in front of the camera, as Eneti moves it) I didn't realize it was my show.
Dave Thomas: Take your time, Mewtwo, I got all day. (laughs)
Mewtwo: Well, I don't, Dave. (camera zooms back) Because I am a busy pokémon. (flies off)
Lugia: Hey, Dave... where'd you get that blazer?
Dave Thomas: Well...
Mewtwo: (walks across stage with his arms full of rolls of toilet paper) (voice muffled) I'm back.
Dave Thomas: Sorry to hear that. Anything I could help you with?
Mewtwo: Yeah. You can help me with this toilet paper. (drops all the rolls, intentionally) Because I'm going back to your Earth and roll the entire god-forsaken planet. Starting with Reno, the Turks, and their stupid Hole of Shin-ra. Because I'm better than them, aren't I.
Dave Thomas: Well...
Mewtwo: I'm a super-pokémon, AND a super-artist.
Dave Thomas: I sense sometimes a little insecurity, maybe a little kind of self-identify problem.
Mewtwo: (pause) So.. you think I have a problem.
Dave Thomas: Not specifically, but it's always good to keep an open mind about it...
Lugia: Well, I'll open his mind.
Mewtwo: Oh, with what? A hammer? You were gonna say that, I know.
Lugia: That's not what I was gonna say!
Mewtwo: Well then, with what? What was it gonna be? What sort of carpenter's tool were you gonna use on my skull?
Lugia: What are you talkin' about?
Mewtwo: I know you said it!
Dave Thomas: Have you ever...
Mewtwo: He said it, Dave.
Dave Thomas: Have you ever seen a... not a shrink, maybe just a counselor...
Mewtwo: All the time, in Jerusalem. Wait, what?
Dave Thomas: Oh, never mind.
Mewtwo: No, no, come on, I'm listening.
Dave Thomas: Somebody who might be able to sit in a nice zero-gravity environment with you, and the two of you could kind of lob questions back and forth...
Lugia: Like me?
Mewtwo: Yeah, like Lugia.
Dave Thomas: No, not like Lugia. Somebody who reads.
Mewtwo: Eneti has an education. A doctorate, it says so on his degree, right Eneti?
Eneti: Show me your hiney!
Dave Thomas: No, not like Eneti. Somebody who has an education...
Eneti: Show me the hiney!!
Mewtwo: No, he does have an education.
Eneti: I wanna see it.
Dave Thomas: Making a suggestion here. You hire someone, for a hundred and five bucks an hour...
Mewtwo: How about you?
Dave Thomas: What about me?
Mewtwo: (does his psych-up move thing) You do it, I command it.
Dave Thomas: (leans back) Alright. Let's give it a whirl.
Lugia: (backward speech: "He doesn't know what he's doing.")
Dave Thomas: How do you feel about yourself, Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: Oh, I would have to say that I'm the bomb. A Number 1.
Dave Thomas: Okay. What's wrong with being number 2?
Mewtwo: (silence)
Dave Thomas: Did I ask you a ridiculously hard question?
Mewtwo: You did?
Dave Thomas: Let's go back to number 1 then.
Mewtwo: Yes, and let's start calling me number 1.
Dave Thomas: And as number 1...
Mewtwo: A Number 1. The bomb.
Dave Thomas: You ever feel like you'd like to have someone to talk to?
Eneti: (offscreen) SHOW ME THE HINEY!!
Lugia: Put your pants on!
Dave Thomas: I mean, other than Lugia and Eneti.
Mewtwo: (quietly) You mean like, um, like girls?
Dave Thomas: (smiles and nods) Yeah, girls.
Mewtwo: I don't need no woman, banging on the bathroom door, saying she has to go to the bathroom, when I'm in the bathroom. It's my bathroom!
Dave Thomas: I think you've been out here a little too long.
Lugia: Yeah, go out to the dumpster, where it's beautiful.
Mewtwo: No.
Lugia: It's beautiful, man. You will so love it.
Mewtwo: No. It's cold. At the dumpster.
Dave Thomas: It's gonna get a lot colder, too, if you keep staying out here by yourself. C'mon! Live a little.
Mewtwo: Well, I like to dance.
Dave Thomas: No kiddin'! Well, that's a start.
Mewtwo: I mean... REALLY like to dance.
Dave Thomas: Hm mm. Well, that's what a lot of teenage girls do when they're growing up, but you're number 1. You gotta get beyond that.
Mewtwo: Well, let's start calling me number 1, how about that?
Dave Thomas: Listen, I didn't come here to make you feel bad, I have tremendous respect for you, Mewtwo. But, under the category heading of self-improvement, there's always room, even at the top, to make yourself a little better.
Mewtwo: Well, thanks Dave. I never thought about it that way. Never thought about anything except for... [I never thought about anything.]
Dave Thomas: Lugia, Eneti, (nods in their direction) take care of this guy. He's lonely.
Mewtwo: Lugia, Eneti, hop in the cruiser. We're gonna roll Earth.
Eneti: No way, man.
Lugia: Yeah, Dave and I are goin' out for a drink.
Dave Thomas: Oh, am I?
Eneti: Oh, me too, I'm goin' too. Right?
Lugia: Yeah, don't you remember? I was talkin' about us goin' out? Uh, takin' Eneti maybe?
Dave Thomas: (nods) I do.
Lugia: Yeah.
Mewtwo: (taps his cards) Uh, okay if I come?
Lugia: No, uh, we're all sick. (fake cough) See ya! (runs off stage)
(The studio monitor raises and is gone; then the studio lights go out. Mewtwo is all alone)
THE SHIN-RA HOLE
STAND BY FOR SUPER CREDITS
(Credits roll very quickly with nifty music)
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES
(Mewtwo is back at the Hole of Shin-ra, in his own hole)
Mewtwo: It's a free country.
Reno: Then feel free to bite my ass, huh?
Mewtwo: Yeah, bring your punk ass over here and say that!
Reno: I just did, and you didn't do anything!
Mewtwo: I'll do whatever I want, it's a free country.
(One of the other turks is sneaking up on Mewtwo in inviso mode)
Reno: (laughs)
Mewtwo: What's so funny? (Elena jumps Mewtwo) Aaah!
Reno: Yeah!
Mewtwo: OW!
X.X
(Fade in: Dave Thomas is on the monitor)
Dave Thomas: Alright, I'll do it. Do I get a gun?
Lugia: Yeah, but use your own piece. I can't be connected in, uh, any way.
(Mewtwo teleports in to his desk)
Dave Thomas: (clears his throat, alerting Lugia to M2's arrival)
Lugia: Yeah, Dave, uh, that, uh...
Dave Thomas: Um...
Lugia: ... fair was, uh... fun.
Dave Thomas: Yeah.
Lugia: Yeah.
Mewtwo: You weren't in any fair!
Lugia: (laughs)
Mewtwo: I heard you tellin' Dave to shoot me in the brain with a laser, out behind the dumpster.
Dave Thomas: Ah...
Lugia: Aw, c'mon, that doesn't sound like me.
Mewtwo: That makes me sad.
Lugia: I never said that!
Mewtwo: Yeah, you did.
Lugia: We're buds!
Mewtwo: Well, I heard it.
Lugia: I never said that, and I would never say that.
Mewtwo: Dave heard it, didn't you, Dave?
Dave Thomas: (nods slowly)
Lugia: (laughs) Oh, now I remember! I did tell him that, didn't I?
Dave Thomas: Are you gonna do anything about it, or are you just gonna hold a grudge here...
Mewtwo: I'm not gonna hold a grudge. I, I'm just gonna go to my room and never do the show again.
Lugia: There you go.
Mewtwo: And, I won't speak to any of you ever again!
Lugia: That'll work.
Mewtwo: And since there's no food in my room, I'll probably just die there.
Dave Thomas: Okay... (exhales)
(Cut to control room; Eneti watches on his monitor)
Mewtwo: How would that be... ya fat babies?
Eneti: Good!
(Cut back to studio)
Lugia: Yeah, good.
Dave Thomas: (chuckles)
Mewtwo: (takes off from his desk, flies off the set)
Dave Thomas: Okay, this is my show, now that Mewtwo is gone, this is the Dave Thomas Show.
Lugia: Yeah!!
Dave Thomas: Mewtwo won't be able to be back for the rest of the day.
Lugia: Awright!
Dave Thomas: I've often wondered from watching your show...
(As Dave talks, Mewtwo is silhouetted in the foreground, watching the set unseen, thinking to himself)
Mewtwo: [So we forgot all about our good friend Mewtwo...]
Dave Thomas: (to Lugia) ... how tall are you?
Lugia: Eh, about seventeen feet. But I am getting smaller.
Dave Thomas: Seventeen feet tall.
Lugia: Yeah, I'm pretty big.
Dave Thomas: I'm impressed.
Lugia: I know.
Mewtwo: (still thinking to himself) (mocking) ["How tall are you? I'm pretty tall."] (walks out of shadows)
Dave Thomas: How much can you bench press?
Lugia: Eh, about 3,200.
Dave Thomas: I could tell that from your over-developed quads.
Eneti: (stammering) Hey Dave, Dave, ask me how tall... how I can press.
Mewtwo: (walks in front of Lugia's keyboard pod) Did it just get noisier in here? (he stops in front of his desk) It stopped. (quietly, to Lugia) Hear how quiet it got? (sits down at his desk) Uh, so, how's the, uh, how's the show going?
Lugia: It's going pretty good!
Mewtwo: As if I care.
Lugia: It's funny.
Eneti: Yeah, too bad you're missing it.
Mewtwo: (looks at a cue card) What are y'all talking about?
Lugia: (to himself) We're not talking about anything, now that you're here.
Eneti: Actually, we were talking about...
Mewtwo: Oh, I heard it. Say, Dave...
Dave Thomas: Yeah?
Mewtwo: Why don't you ask Lugia about his hollow wings, and how you can break one off and sip a drink through it?
Dave Thomas: Oh god!
Mewtwo: If you'd ever want to put your lips on it.
Lugia: Hey, I thought you were leaving.
Mewtwo: But I don't think you'd want to put your lips on something like that. Would he, Lugia? Answer him. Answer me.
Lugia: This ain't your show. It's the Dave Thomas Show.
Mewtwo: I'm not here for your show. Your show's stupid and I hate it. And I never liked it.
Lugia: Uh huh.
Mewtwo: I never liked it, Lugia.
Lugia: Uh huh.
Mewtwo: I just came down to get my keys so I could.. drive over to where my new friends are.
Lugia: We don't care.
Mewtwo: Where it's fun.
Lugia: Well, go get 'em. What are you waitin' for?
Mewtwo: I don't know... I thought I'd say hello to Dave.
Dave Thomas: (looks back silently)
Mewtwo: Hey Dave.
Dave Thomas: Greetings, Mewtwo.
Lugia: Alright, you did that, now get your keys.
Mewtwo: (pounds his desk) Say Dave, tell me about your new projects.
Lugia: Hey! That's enough!
Eneti: Yeah man, leave.
Mewtwo: I am leavin'.
Eneti: So leave. I mean, you've been leavin' for five minutes.
Mewtwo: And I'm never comin' back.
Eneti: Good! Go! Bye!
Mewtwo: When I go, that's it.
Lugia: So go for [bleep] sake!
Dave Thomas: (looks shocked)
Mewtwo: (stares in silence)
Lugia: Dave doesn't want you on his show! Isn't that right, Dave?
Dave Thomas: (pauses) No no, no no no...
Eneti: Now man, you said it was your show...
Dave Thomas: Aw, c'mon.
Mewtwo: Fine, I'm leaving! (pounds his fist)
Dave Thomas: Alright, go ahead.
Mewtwo: Alright, I will go ahead!
Lugia: Then move it!
Eneti: Yeah, get outta here!
Mewtwo: (pauses) Hey hey, let's show some of my old clips.
Eneti: No!
Mewtwo: (pounds his desk) Fine, ya bunch of fat babies! Don't expect me back here any time forever! (pounds desk again)
Dave Thomas: What a shame.
Lugia: (laughs hysterically)
Eneti: (laughs hysterically)
Mewtwo: (flies off)
(Scene transition to the Shin-ra building)
Narrator: Outside the Shin-ra Building...
(Scene changes to a giant hole in the ground, with a rusted car and trashcans behind it, and a factory and polluted skyline in the background behind a chain link fence.)
Narrator: ... is this Hole...
Mewtwo: (rides by on a garden tractor) Hey Reno! My man! (Reno stands up, along with Rude, who ducks down again. Mewtwo's tractor goes off screen and stops)
Narrator: ... of Shin-ra.
Mewtwo: Gimme five, my man. I know you didn't ask me to, but I went ahead and mowed your lawn anyway.
Reno: Gee, thanks, uh... Mew...
Mewtwo: Mewtwo.
Reno: Yeah, that's what I said. Here's ten dollars.
Mewtwo: Here, let me get you some change in my inviso... (invisos out "by accident") Hey! Look at that! I turned invisible! (invisos back in) I don't want to tell you your job or anything, but I bet superpowers like that would come in pretty handy for you guys around the Hole of Shin-ra. (as Mewtwo talks, Elena and Tseng appear in the hole and behind the car and trash cans)
Reno: We can all do this. (all of them inviso out)
Mewtwo: Well, that makes us friends then, huh? Hello... hello... hello... (characters sneak away under inviso power) Where are you?!
(Back in the studio)
Lugia: (laughs) Hey hoser, you take off!
Dave Thomas: Hey, take off, Lugia.
Eneti: Hey wait, you guys, you guys...
Lugia: Take off, eh? (laughs)
Eneti: Dave, Dave, tell me to take off.
Dave Thomas: (stares back in silence)
Eneti: Oh c'mon, somebody tell me to take off, eh? (chuckles)
Dave Thomas: (silence)
Eneti: C'mon, do it.
Mewtwo: (teleports to set) Hey, take off, everyone! Take it all off!
Eneti: (groans)
Lugia: Aw, man!
Mewtwo: What?
Lugia: I thought you had some friends!
Mewtwo: I do.
Lugia: Then where are they?
Mewtwo: Uh... they were all out visiting other friends, uh, that I know through them. Dave, do you mind if I just sit here until my friends tell me where they are?
Dave Thomas: Yeah, I do mind. It bothers me when people do that.
Mewtwo: By "people", do you mean me?
Dave Thomas: Yeah.
Eneti: (standing by Mewtwo's desk) Dave, is there a problem here?
Dave Thomas: No, no problem at all.
Eneti: Because if there's a problem... (slaps cards down on Mewtwo's desk) I have the solution.
Dave Thomas: No problem.
Eneti: Alright, you just call me if you need anything, Dave.
Dave Thomas: Okay.
Eneti: (walking away) The Dave Thomas Show. Heh heh, I love it.
Mewtwo: He's not the host of the show.
Lugia: Yeah he is.
Mewtwo: No he isn't, and you shut up, because I'm about to conduct an interview.
Dave Thomas: Alright, Mewtwo, how thick is your neck?
Mewtwo: I'll ask the questions, Dave. How thick is my neck? It's 48 inches. (to himself) I don't know about my other neck though.
Dave Thomas: That's a decent sized neck.
Mewtwo: Radius, Dave.
Dave Thomas: 48 inch radius.
Mewtwo: Radius.
Dave Thomas: How do you measure it, with a straightened coat hanger or...
Mewtwo: I just cut my head off and count the rings on my esophagus.
Dave Thomas: Fair enough.
Mewtwo: What's that on your jaw, Dave? Oh-h-h, it's fat.
Dave Thomas: Thank you for even acknowledging that I have a jaw, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: (in low voice) Not much of one.
Dave Thomas: Hey.
Mewtwo: What?
Dave Thomas: I'm a guest. How about a little civility, Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: Oh, you're the guest. Then who's the host?
Dave Thomas: Of the Mewtwo show?
Mewtwo: Yeah, Dave. The Mewtwo show.
Dave Thomas: (pause) Uh... Lugia?
Lugia: (in background) Tell it on the mountain!
Mewtwo: No.
Dave Thomas: I.. Help me out here! Eneti?
Mewtwo: (aims his fist at Dave) Screw you all to hell! (prepares his psyblast)
Dave Thomas: Okay.
Mewtwo: (still aiming, ready to blast, with teeth clenched)
Dave Thomas: How's it goin', Lugia?
Lugia: Awesome, Dave.
Mewtwo: (still aiming) I'm serious!
Dave Thomas: Give it your best shot, big boy.
Mewtwo: (blasts Dave with his psyblast, but the blasts are deflected)
Dave Thomas: (chuckles) Think you need to take that in to the shop.
Mewtwo: (flies off)
Dave Thomas: (chuckles)
(Color swirly transition effect; back at the Hole of Shin-ra)
Mewtwo: Y'all in there? (Reno peers over the edge of the hole, in inviso mode) I know you're in there.
Reno: (invisos in) No, I, I was just testing it.
Mewtwo: Where is everyone?
Reno: They're... they're out killing stuff.
Mewtwo: I hope they don't kill their appetites! Because I just ordered us a large pizza! Y'all like pizza, don't ya?
Reno: Yeah. (the others peer over the hole's edit, in inviso mode) They won't be back for, like, a year. They're way out in Balamb. (points up)
Mewtwo: That's funny, I came by Balamb on my way over, and it doesn't have any people running around! (moves toward Reno, the others duck down)
Reno: Oh, gee, look, look, you really... you gotta go.
Mewtwo: I know you're invisible in there! Ya fat babies!
(Back in the studio)
Eneti: Okay, you ready?
Dave Thomas: Yeah.
Eneti: Alright! Start the music! (music starts, then he swings by on a rope) Whoa! (he lets go of the rope, and crashes off screen; smoke and flames erupt)
Dave Thomas: Lugia, comments?
Lugia: I'd say that... probably killed him.
Eneti: Oh, I'm not dead, I'm not dead, check it out. I can do that better, though.
Mewtwo: (teleports in) Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt. (walks in front of Lugia's keyboard pod, toward desk) I'm just Mewtwo, the guy the show's named after.
Dave Thomas: Welcome mat is out for you, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Nobody talk to me or look at me.
Lugia: Alright, we won't. (drinks from his coffee cup)
Eneti: You want to get out of the shot? (camera zooms in on Dave)
Mewtwo: (stepping between the camera and monitor, out of focus) Am I in the way here? Gosh, I hope not. (camera pans off of Mewtwo, he moves in front of it again)
Dave Thomas: You're kind of a one-trick pony, aren't you, Mewtwo? (laughing)
Mewtwo: (continues trying to stay in front of the camera, as Eneti moves it) I didn't realize it was my show.
Dave Thomas: Take your time, Mewtwo, I got all day. (laughs)
Mewtwo: Well, I don't, Dave. (camera zooms back) Because I am a busy pokémon. (flies off)
Lugia: Hey, Dave... where'd you get that blazer?
Dave Thomas: Well...
Mewtwo: (walks across stage with his arms full of rolls of toilet paper) (voice muffled) I'm back.
Dave Thomas: Sorry to hear that. Anything I could help you with?
Mewtwo: Yeah. You can help me with this toilet paper. (drops all the rolls, intentionally) Because I'm going back to your Earth and roll the entire god-forsaken planet. Starting with Reno, the Turks, and their stupid Hole of Shin-ra. Because I'm better than them, aren't I.
Dave Thomas: Well...
Mewtwo: I'm a super-pokémon, AND a super-artist.
Dave Thomas: I sense sometimes a little insecurity, maybe a little kind of self-identify problem.
Mewtwo: (pause) So.. you think I have a problem.
Dave Thomas: Not specifically, but it's always good to keep an open mind about it...
Lugia: Well, I'll open his mind.
Mewtwo: Oh, with what? A hammer? You were gonna say that, I know.
Lugia: That's not what I was gonna say!
Mewtwo: Well then, with what? What was it gonna be? What sort of carpenter's tool were you gonna use on my skull?
Lugia: What are you talkin' about?
Mewtwo: I know you said it!
Dave Thomas: Have you ever...
Mewtwo: He said it, Dave.
Dave Thomas: Have you ever seen a... not a shrink, maybe just a counselor...
Mewtwo: All the time, in Jerusalem. Wait, what?
Dave Thomas: Oh, never mind.
Mewtwo: No, no, come on, I'm listening.
Dave Thomas: Somebody who might be able to sit in a nice zero-gravity environment with you, and the two of you could kind of lob questions back and forth...
Lugia: Like me?
Mewtwo: Yeah, like Lugia.
Dave Thomas: No, not like Lugia. Somebody who reads.
Mewtwo: Eneti has an education. A doctorate, it says so on his degree, right Eneti?
Eneti: Show me your hiney!
Dave Thomas: No, not like Eneti. Somebody who has an education...
Eneti: Show me the hiney!!
Mewtwo: No, he does have an education.
Eneti: I wanna see it.
Dave Thomas: Making a suggestion here. You hire someone, for a hundred and five bucks an hour...
Mewtwo: How about you?
Dave Thomas: What about me?
Mewtwo: (does his psych-up move thing) You do it, I command it.
Dave Thomas: (leans back) Alright. Let's give it a whirl.
Lugia: (backward speech: "He doesn't know what he's doing.")
Dave Thomas: How do you feel about yourself, Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: Oh, I would have to say that I'm the bomb. A Number 1.
Dave Thomas: Okay. What's wrong with being number 2?
Mewtwo: (silence)
Dave Thomas: Did I ask you a ridiculously hard question?
Mewtwo: You did?
Dave Thomas: Let's go back to number 1 then.
Mewtwo: Yes, and let's start calling me number 1.
Dave Thomas: And as number 1...
Mewtwo: A Number 1. The bomb.
Dave Thomas: You ever feel like you'd like to have someone to talk to?
Eneti: (offscreen) SHOW ME THE HINEY!!
Lugia: Put your pants on!
Dave Thomas: I mean, other than Lugia and Eneti.
Mewtwo: (quietly) You mean like, um, like girls?
Dave Thomas: (smiles and nods) Yeah, girls.
Mewtwo: I don't need no woman, banging on the bathroom door, saying she has to go to the bathroom, when I'm in the bathroom. It's my bathroom!
Dave Thomas: I think you've been out here a little too long.
Lugia: Yeah, go out to the dumpster, where it's beautiful.
Mewtwo: No.
Lugia: It's beautiful, man. You will so love it.
Mewtwo: No. It's cold. At the dumpster.
Dave Thomas: It's gonna get a lot colder, too, if you keep staying out here by yourself. C'mon! Live a little.
Mewtwo: Well, I like to dance.
Dave Thomas: No kiddin'! Well, that's a start.
Mewtwo: I mean... REALLY like to dance.
Dave Thomas: Hm mm. Well, that's what a lot of teenage girls do when they're growing up, but you're number 1. You gotta get beyond that.
Mewtwo: Well, let's start calling me number 1, how about that?
Dave Thomas: Listen, I didn't come here to make you feel bad, I have tremendous respect for you, Mewtwo. But, under the category heading of self-improvement, there's always room, even at the top, to make yourself a little better.
Mewtwo: Well, thanks Dave. I never thought about it that way. Never thought about anything except for... [I never thought about anything.]
Dave Thomas: Lugia, Eneti, (nods in their direction) take care of this guy. He's lonely.
Mewtwo: Lugia, Eneti, hop in the cruiser. We're gonna roll Earth.
Eneti: No way, man.
Lugia: Yeah, Dave and I are goin' out for a drink.
Dave Thomas: Oh, am I?
Eneti: Oh, me too, I'm goin' too. Right?
Lugia: Yeah, don't you remember? I was talkin' about us goin' out? Uh, takin' Eneti maybe?
Dave Thomas: (nods) I do.
Lugia: Yeah.
Mewtwo: (taps his cards) Uh, okay if I come?
Lugia: No, uh, we're all sick. (fake cough) See ya! (runs off stage)
(The studio monitor raises and is gone; then the studio lights go out. Mewtwo is all alone)
THE SHIN-RA HOLE
STAND BY FOR SUPER CREDITS
(Credits roll very quickly with nifty music)
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES
(Mewtwo is back at the Hole of Shin-ra, in his own hole)
Mewtwo: It's a free country.
Reno: Then feel free to bite my ass, huh?
Mewtwo: Yeah, bring your punk ass over here and say that!
Reno: I just did, and you didn't do anything!
Mewtwo: I'll do whatever I want, it's a free country.
(One of the other turks is sneaking up on Mewtwo in inviso mode)
Reno: (laughs)
Mewtwo: What's so funny? (Elena jumps Mewtwo) Aaah!
Reno: Yeah!
Mewtwo: OW!
X.X