RPG Party
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This fanfictional 'Extravaganza' is not IN ANY WAY going to be simulcasted on Yahoo!.com or AOL.com. I also do NOT own the following RPGs. Final Fantasy 7, The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, Final Fantasy 9, MEGA MAN BATTLE NETWORK, and Final Fantasy 8. Nor do I own ANYTHING of Pokémon. Damn! That's one long disclaimer! ^__^
:WAITING
Announcer: Tonight! Live from New Island! It's the 1st Annual RPG Awards Show! (Polaroids fly in) With special guests! Celebi! Cloud Strife! Suicune! Tron Bonne! Ho-oh! Zidane Tribal! Mew! Lan Hiarki! Raikou! and Squall Leonhart! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, The Legendary Pokémon. (curtain raises)
All Legendary Pokémon: We're from outer space,
we're an evil disgrace!
Raikou: We spread germs and disease
all over the place!
All Legendary Pokémon: But now we're here
and we're full of beer
Celebi: Full of beeeeeer! (subtitle: HELLO MY NAME IS CELEBI!)
Mew: Mewtwo is so pretty
I could hold him dear! (music stops)
Celebi: What the...!
Suicune: What, are you insane?
Mew: Okay, okay! I hate him! (music resumes)
All Legendary Pokémon: We hate em too,
he's like a bad haiku
Celebi: Haiku! (subtitle: HELLO MY NAME IS CELEBI!)
Ho-oh: (Sqawks) (subtitle, with bouncing ball: BUT HE GAVE US ALL A PARDON / SO, WHAT COULD WE DO?)
All Legendary Pokémon: So we're nice again,
Yeah! We're all good sports,
and we're here to judge the
R P G Shorts!
Celebi: Shorts! Shorts!
Announcer: Tonight's fanfictional extravaganza will be simulcast on Yahoo!.com, AOL.com, and Fanfiction.net. And now, your host for the evening, The Principal of Kanto! Meeeeeeeewtwoooooooo!
Mewtwo: (teleports in)(coughs during introduction) Greetings! I'm Mewtwo, from Coast to Coast, on Fanfiction.net! Welcome to the First Annual RPG Awards Show! (aside) We're rolling as we speak, still? Okay, good. (to camera) Tonight, five characters of famous RPGs from all over the world will compete against each other, in front of an audience of millions and millions, for a big prize! (fanfare) Each contestant will be judged in random categories by the Legendary Pokémon! The winner will be the winner when he or she wins! And the winning character will have a scene from his or her RPG shown at the end of the show?
Lugia: (glares at Mewtwo)
Mewtwo: Okay. Here to tell you how the votes are tabulated, from the Accounting Firm of Price Westinghouse, Pikachu and his lovely assistant Pichu!
Pikachu: (on stage in a tuxedo) Pikachu! Pika Pika!
Mewtwo: Huh? What are you saying, Pikachu?
Pikachu: Pika!
Mewtwo: What are you saying?!
Pichu:Pichu!
Mewtwo: I can't understand a word you two are saying! Okay, get the rats off the stage. Now, let's meet the judges, the Legendary Pokémon.
(Judges, from left to right: Suicune, Ho-oh, Mew, Raikou, Celebi)
Mewtwo: Raikou, a vicious dog from the lightning types! He likes to mold things out of scalding hot tar.
Raikou: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! (makes peace signs) Predicate!
Mewtwo: Heh heh, oh-kay. Three time Indy 500 Champion and god of all pokémon, Celebi!
Celebi: All Hail Celebi!
All Legendary Pokémon: Hail!
Celebi: Hail Celebi! Haiiiil Celebi!
Mewtwo: Mew! And next...
Mew: Mmmmmm! You look really good in those tights, Mewtwo-sama!
Mewtwo: Eew! Yuckie!
Raikou: Predicate!
Mewtwo: Next, Ho-oh, a Phoenix like warrior whose mere glance is enough to strike fear into the hearts of those weaker than he. (looks evil, making droning sound) He collects fridge magnets and is a champion speed knitter.
Ho-oh: (Squaks)
Mewtwo: And finally, Suicune! A crystal dog who hails from the east. He enjoys literature and books, and he likes to read colorful pamphlets to orphans.
Suicune: Thank you Mewtwo, I'm esteemed.
Lugia: Death to Suicune!
Suicune: Oh please, Lugia, your insipid habit of barking out ludicrous commands is nothing more than a blatant display of your lack of intelligence.
Lugia: Oh. Thank you, Suicune. That's just about the dumbest thing I ever heard!
Mewtwo: Hey now! You monsters be nice!
Lugia & Suicune: Shut up!
Mewtwo: Alrighty, who will be our first contestant? Dian?
Dian Parkinson: Are we on or...
Mewtwo: (laughs) (quietly) Eneti! Who's on first?
Eneti: Who's on second?
Mewtwo: I dunno! Who's on second?
Eneti: Right!
Mewtwo: Oh-kay. (pauses, looks around studio) Have you ever noticed the beautiful lighting in this studio?
Lugia: Yeah. (breaking sound off screen) What's an Awards Show?
Mewtwo: It's a franchise.
Lugia: Oh, okay. What's an award?
Mewtwo: (Ignoring Lugia) The first category is RPG Character Under Extreme Interrogation! Our first contestant is Cloud Strife!
(Monitor lowers with Cloud)
Announcer: (whispering) Tonight's contestants have been briefed on the rules governing each category. What you are about to see is not real, these are actors.
Mewtwo: Welcome, Cloud!
Cloud Strife: Well, thank you very much, I...
Mewtwo: What do you do?
Cloud Strife: I'm, uh, an Ex-SOLDIER.
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 3, 10, 5, 1, 6)
Mewtwo: Not yet, you clowns! Sorry, uh, tell us about your RPG!
Cloud Strife: Final Fantasy 7, quite possibly the best RPG out there today.
Mewtwo: (long pause) Let's look at the clip!
(Clip from Final Fantasy 7 is shown, scene of Cloud, Tifa, and Barret escaping Sector 7 before it collapsed)
Mewtwo: Clip category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 3.14, 78, 109, 12.2, "HELLO MY NAME IS Celebi")
Announcer: (with French translation in background) Raikou, twelve point two. Mew, one hundred nine. Celebi, "Hello my name is Celebi."
Mewtwo: What is it with you and destroying Sectors?
Cloud Strife: (clears throat) Well, the thing is, we're trying to stop this evil corporation hell bent on destroying our earth.
Mewtwo: You just decided to blow up, that's it?
Cloud Strife: (shrugs) Uh... I...
Lugia: (mocking Cloud a la Butthead) Uh huh huh, uh huh huh...
Mewtwo: Okay Cloud! Solve the puzzle! (Cloud doesn't have time to respond)
Mewtwo: Wrong! Too many vowels!
Cloud Strife: Oh, sssss...
Mewtwo: Council?
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 5, 4, 3, 6, 3)
Mewtwo: Hmmmm, not so good. Do you sing?
Cloud Strife: Uh... no, I don't.
Mewtwo: Dance?
Cloud Strife: No Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: (sings, in monotone) Don't sing, don't dance. What do you do... Cloud?
Cloud Strife: I'm, uh, an RPG Character.
Mewtwo: Could I be an RPG Character?
Cloud Strife: Well, you just asked me what do I do, so...
Mewtwo: Okay, I'm doing an RPG, here we go, I am a RPG character! What's my motivation? Where am I? Why am I? What are the other characters doing?
Cloud Strife: I guess the characters are doing superhuman feats in themselves.
Mewtwo: Likin' it! They're doing feats and I come in and I say...?
Cloud Strife: Uh...
Mewtwo: Talk to me, Cloudy baby!
Cloud Strife: Hello, and my name is Cloud Strife.
Mewtwo: (bad acting, straight) "Hello, and my name is Cloud Strife!" RPG category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 2, 0, 1, 2, 4)
Mewtwo: Ooooh. Sliding. Well, thanks, Cloud! We'll see you at the end of the show!
Cloud Strife: Thank you, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: You're welcome! My next contestant is Zidane Tribal!
Lugia: The wrestler?
Mewtwo: No, the star of Final Fnatasy 9.
(Zidane Tribal appears on the monitor, eating a danish)
Mewtwo: Hello, Citizen Tribal!
Lugia: Hey, do you know Rick Flair and/or Vince McMahon?
Zidane Tribal: Mm Hm. (takes big bite)
Lugia: (wide eyed) Food. Food!
Eneti: (pointing) You have a danish!
Zidane Tribal: Yes.
Lugia: Gimme the danish!
Zidane Tribal: Okey dokey.
Mewtwo: No, Zidane, it's a trick! He'll take your whole hand!
Zidane Tribal: No, I doubt it, but it would be funny... that would be comedy.
Mewtwo: Wait a second, Chester, blood is not funny.
Raikou: (Ding!) Blood is funny! Zidane is the winner!
Zidane Tribal: I totally love the New Island.
Mewtwo: Citizen Zidane, you chose the danish, why?
Zidane Tribal: I have no idea, it was the only thing there, it was either a bagel or this cream cheese frosting thing.
Mewtwo: Food selection category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: -9, -1, -3, -2, 0)
Mewtwo: Council would have chosen the bagel. Bad decision, Zidane.
Zidane Tribal: See, what I'm trying to do is chew and talk at the same time...
Mewtwo: Talking with your mouth full category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: -22, -3, -90, -48, -67)
Mewtwo: Ooooh, Zidane, things aren't lookin' good. Bad manners are never en vogue.
Zidane Tribal: I guess, it, it...
Mewtwo: Let's look at the clip!
(Clip of Final Fantasy 9, obviously, a boss battle)
Mewtwo: Clip category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 9, 0, 2, 1, 0)
Mewtwo: You can do better than that, Zidane!
Zidane Tribal: I... (long pause) (shrugs) I guess you're a critic.
Mewtwo: Yup.
Zidane Tribal: Okay.
Mewtwo: We'll be back in two and two!
Announcer: Only one RPG will win! Which one will it be? Stay tuned to find out.
(RPG Awards Show graphic)
Announcer: Oh goody! The RPG Awards Show franchise is back! Excited? I am.
Mewtwo: Welcome back! Our next contestant is Lan Hiarki!
Lan Hiarki: Whew! Just beamed in from the old Enterprise, uh, thought I'd say hi!
Mewtwo: Shatner method acting! Survey says...
Council of Doom: (Ding!) (Scores: 0, 0, 0, 0, 0)
Mewtwo: Goose eggs. Ha ha ha! But you'll have a chance to make that up. Tell us what you do!
Lan Hiarki: I am an owner of a NET Navi, MegamanEXE, star of Megaman Battle Network.
Mewtwo: Wrong!
Lan Hiarki: Excuse me, Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: You must answer in the form of a walrus!
Lan Hiarki: Walrus? Are you serious?
Suicune: Pardon the intrusion, don't you mean, question?
Mewtwo: You have a question, Suicune?
Suicune: No, lower brain form, you mean, he should answer in the form of a question.
Mewtwo: Yes, he should question in the form of an answer! Good answer! Question the answer, Lanny!
Lan Hiarki: Don't call me that.
Mewtwo:Sorry. Now for the clincher... (drum roll)
Lan Hiarki: This is totally serious.
Mewtwo: You wouldn't understand my shouting Braille when there's a blender in the oven.
Lan Hiarki: Uh, because our deflector shields were up and our communication was kinda garbled?
Mewtwo: Uhhhh, we'll have to check with the judges, hold on!
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 9, 7, 8, 9, 8)
Mewtwo: You're back in the race!
Lan Hiarki: Thank you, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Not a problem, Lan.
Lan Hiarki: This is my fifteen seconds of, royal fame.
Mewtwo: That's enough, son.
Lan Hiarki: Okay, was I hammin' it up a little too much?
Lugia: Roll the clip!
(Clip of MEGAMAN Battle Network, PRESS START screen only)
Mewtwo: Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 8, -107, 9, 8, 7)
Mewtwo: Well, Lan, you're doing okay.
Lan Hiarki: Okay.
Mewtwo: See you. (Lan zaps off monitor)
Mewtwo: Okay! My next contestant is Squall Leonhart. (appears on monitor)
Celebi: Hey! What time is it?
Mewtwo: Welcome, Comrade Ginsu!
Squall Leonhart: Whatever...
Mewtwo: I'll take that as a "hello".
Squall Leonhart: (What and idiot.)
Mewtwo: Um...ok...
Squall Leonhart: ...
Mewtwo: Cold Hearted category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 2, -5, 1, 2, Celebi)
Celebi: Hey! What time is it?
Mewtwo: Tell us about your RPG.
Squall Leonhart: Final Fantasy 8, um, it was ok...
Mewtwo: Uh huh... Roll it!
(Clip of Final Fantasy 8 is shown, the scene of Seifer and Squall fighting, Squall gets cut across the face)
Mewtwo: Clip category! Survey says...
Lugia: FF8 SUCKS!
Mewtwo: Ooooh, (Ding!) what do you say to that Comrade?
Squall Leonhart: It doesn't bother me at all.
Celebi: (in background) Hey! (Ding!) Hey, looky here! (Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!) Hey, look at me! (Ding! Ding!)
Mewtwo: (looks at Celebi, annoyed) Self-restraint category! Survey says... Survey says...
Celebi: Oh!
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 1, 3, 2, 3, 1)
Celebi: There!
Mewtwo: Okay Ginsberg, looks good!
Squall Leonhart: Thank you, Mewtwo...I guess...
Mewtwo: (mocking) Thank you, Mewtwo, I guess. (quietly) What a jerk! (normal voice) Our last and final contestant is Tron Bonne!
Mewtwo: Citizen Tron Bonne, Come on down! (monitor lowers)
Tron Bonne: Thanks. It's good to be here.
Mewtwo: What do you do?
Tron Bonne:Uh, I'm a character in my own game, The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, the game where my brother, Tesiel Bonne gets kidnapped.
Mewtwo: Ohhhh, let's see the clip.
(Clip of Tron Bonne's game, about 0.5 second long)
Mewtwo: That's great!
Tron Bonne: Um, Why aren't you like a big purple tail just with, like, eyes goin' like (motions) "Woooh!" and scary? I mean, why is that? I mean, that's like a mavrick.
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)
Mewtwo: Uh, Tron...
Tron Bonne: You know, I don't, I don't understand this whole purple tail blue eyes thing. It's kinda strange to me.
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)
Mewtwo: Bonne...
Tron Bonne: Not really spooky.
Mewtwo: I'm not a mavrick, Jenny! I'm Mewtwo!
Tron Bonne: Oh, is that it?
Mewtwo: Yes! I'm the savior of Kanto! A mature crime-fighter of all evil!
Tron Bonne: I don't, I don't, uh, think crime fighting takes any specific age.
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)
Mewtwo: Quit thinking.
Tron Bonne: Okay, I mean, even babies could save the day if they had to.
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 11, 11, 11, 11, 11)
Mewtwo: Aren't you late for something?
Tron Bonne: Uh uh. No.
Mewtwo: (raises his fist, as if to fire)
Tron Bonne: Oh, I get it.
Mewtwo: And it's not funny... is it?
Tron Bonne: Nooo, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Get a new hairdo, Bonne.
(Tron disappears from the monitor)
Mewtwo: Alrighty! Now it's time to tabulate the scores and determine tonight's winning director! (tympani roll) Eneti?
Eneti: (pulls the lever to begin tabulating)
Mewtwo: And the winner is...
Announcer: Don't move. Not a muscle. The winning RPG is coming up! Right after these messages.
(Black screen for a whole minute)
(RPG Awards Show graphic)
Announcer: Ah, there's more. We now return to the conclusion of The First Annual RPG Awards Show. Let me do that again.
Eneti: It's a tie! I think. Idn't it?
All Legendary Pokémon: (Scores: 86, 86, 85, 86, 86)
Eneti: Yeah, it's a tie. (fanfare)
(Musical accompaniment starts; Mewtwo and Lugia sing)
Mewtwo: Here he comes!
It's a tie!
It's a beautiful burnt sienna tie for me!
Lugia: I want green,
to match my spleen,
Oh, what a beautiful tie!
Pikachu: Pi! Ka!
Mewtwo: Look at Pika,
He is small,
Oh, what a rodent he is!
(Music ends)
Pikachu: Pikachu!
Mewtwo: What? Quit speaking Pikachu!
Suicune: (pausing deliberately, as though he's translating) Ahem. He said, since it's a tie, yes, I believe it's 'tie', you must have a tie-breaker.
Mewtwo: No, since it's a tie we'll have a swimsuit competition! (low voice) Lose the rat!
(Pikachu screeches, followed by a crash sound)
Mewtwo: The tie-breaker category is the Swimsuit Competition! Citizen Cloud Strife! Go!
Cloud Strife: (appears on screen) No, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Disqualified! (zaps him off of screen) Zidane Tribal! Swimsuit! Go!
Zidane Tribal: (appears on screen, still eating, mouth full) Do I look at anybody?
Lugia: Danish!
Mewtwo: Disqualified! (zaps him off of screen) Lan Hiraki! Swimsuit! Go!
Lan Hiarki: (appears on screen) Are you serious?
Mewtwo: Disqualified! Comrade Gingersnap! Swimsuit! Go!
Squall Leonhart: Not on your life...
Mewtwo: Disqualified! (zaps him off screen) Last contestant! Tron Bonne! Swimsuit! Go!
Tron Bonne: (appears in a reveiling swimsuit, life jacket, water wings, fins, mask and snorkel, posing & waving; disco music plays)
Mewtwo: And the winner of the 1st Annual RPG Award is... Troooooon Bonne! (Tron holds flowers and weeps, a tiara on her head)
Tron Bonne: (talking through mask and snorkel, blowing kisses) Thank you, Mewtwo, oh, I love them, thank you, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Goodnight everybody! You're beautiful! Here's the winning RPG that won the winning... oh, roll the RPG.
(The Misadventures of Tron Bonne opening is shown, followed a montage of the entire game)
(Credits roll)
Space Ghost: (mocking) Thank you Space Ghost.
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This fanfictional 'Extravaganza' is not IN ANY WAY going to be simulcasted on Yahoo!.com or AOL.com. I also do NOT own the following RPGs. Final Fantasy 7, The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, Final Fantasy 9, MEGA MAN BATTLE NETWORK, and Final Fantasy 8. Nor do I own ANYTHING of Pokémon. Damn! That's one long disclaimer! ^__^
:WAITING
Announcer: Tonight! Live from New Island! It's the 1st Annual RPG Awards Show! (Polaroids fly in) With special guests! Celebi! Cloud Strife! Suicune! Tron Bonne! Ho-oh! Zidane Tribal! Mew! Lan Hiarki! Raikou! and Squall Leonhart! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, The Legendary Pokémon. (curtain raises)
All Legendary Pokémon: We're from outer space,
we're an evil disgrace!
Raikou: We spread germs and disease
all over the place!
All Legendary Pokémon: But now we're here
and we're full of beer
Celebi: Full of beeeeeer! (subtitle: HELLO MY NAME IS CELEBI!)
Mew: Mewtwo is so pretty
I could hold him dear! (music stops)
Celebi: What the...!
Suicune: What, are you insane?
Mew: Okay, okay! I hate him! (music resumes)
All Legendary Pokémon: We hate em too,
he's like a bad haiku
Celebi: Haiku! (subtitle: HELLO MY NAME IS CELEBI!)
Ho-oh: (Sqawks) (subtitle, with bouncing ball: BUT HE GAVE US ALL A PARDON / SO, WHAT COULD WE DO?)
All Legendary Pokémon: So we're nice again,
Yeah! We're all good sports,
and we're here to judge the
R P G Shorts!
Celebi: Shorts! Shorts!
Announcer: Tonight's fanfictional extravaganza will be simulcast on Yahoo!.com, AOL.com, and Fanfiction.net. And now, your host for the evening, The Principal of Kanto! Meeeeeeeewtwoooooooo!
Mewtwo: (teleports in)(coughs during introduction) Greetings! I'm Mewtwo, from Coast to Coast, on Fanfiction.net! Welcome to the First Annual RPG Awards Show! (aside) We're rolling as we speak, still? Okay, good. (to camera) Tonight, five characters of famous RPGs from all over the world will compete against each other, in front of an audience of millions and millions, for a big prize! (fanfare) Each contestant will be judged in random categories by the Legendary Pokémon! The winner will be the winner when he or she wins! And the winning character will have a scene from his or her RPG shown at the end of the show?
Lugia: (glares at Mewtwo)
Mewtwo: Okay. Here to tell you how the votes are tabulated, from the Accounting Firm of Price Westinghouse, Pikachu and his lovely assistant Pichu!
Pikachu: (on stage in a tuxedo) Pikachu! Pika Pika!
Mewtwo: Huh? What are you saying, Pikachu?
Pikachu: Pika!
Mewtwo: What are you saying?!
Pichu:Pichu!
Mewtwo: I can't understand a word you two are saying! Okay, get the rats off the stage. Now, let's meet the judges, the Legendary Pokémon.
(Judges, from left to right: Suicune, Ho-oh, Mew, Raikou, Celebi)
Mewtwo: Raikou, a vicious dog from the lightning types! He likes to mold things out of scalding hot tar.
Raikou: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! (makes peace signs) Predicate!
Mewtwo: Heh heh, oh-kay. Three time Indy 500 Champion and god of all pokémon, Celebi!
Celebi: All Hail Celebi!
All Legendary Pokémon: Hail!
Celebi: Hail Celebi! Haiiiil Celebi!
Mewtwo: Mew! And next...
Mew: Mmmmmm! You look really good in those tights, Mewtwo-sama!
Mewtwo: Eew! Yuckie!
Raikou: Predicate!
Mewtwo: Next, Ho-oh, a Phoenix like warrior whose mere glance is enough to strike fear into the hearts of those weaker than he. (looks evil, making droning sound) He collects fridge magnets and is a champion speed knitter.
Ho-oh: (Squaks)
Mewtwo: And finally, Suicune! A crystal dog who hails from the east. He enjoys literature and books, and he likes to read colorful pamphlets to orphans.
Suicune: Thank you Mewtwo, I'm esteemed.
Lugia: Death to Suicune!
Suicune: Oh please, Lugia, your insipid habit of barking out ludicrous commands is nothing more than a blatant display of your lack of intelligence.
Lugia: Oh. Thank you, Suicune. That's just about the dumbest thing I ever heard!
Mewtwo: Hey now! You monsters be nice!
Lugia & Suicune: Shut up!
Mewtwo: Alrighty, who will be our first contestant? Dian?
Dian Parkinson: Are we on or...
Mewtwo: (laughs) (quietly) Eneti! Who's on first?
Eneti: Who's on second?
Mewtwo: I dunno! Who's on second?
Eneti: Right!
Mewtwo: Oh-kay. (pauses, looks around studio) Have you ever noticed the beautiful lighting in this studio?
Lugia: Yeah. (breaking sound off screen) What's an Awards Show?
Mewtwo: It's a franchise.
Lugia: Oh, okay. What's an award?
Mewtwo: (Ignoring Lugia) The first category is RPG Character Under Extreme Interrogation! Our first contestant is Cloud Strife!
(Monitor lowers with Cloud)
Announcer: (whispering) Tonight's contestants have been briefed on the rules governing each category. What you are about to see is not real, these are actors.
Mewtwo: Welcome, Cloud!
Cloud Strife: Well, thank you very much, I...
Mewtwo: What do you do?
Cloud Strife: I'm, uh, an Ex-SOLDIER.
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 3, 10, 5, 1, 6)
Mewtwo: Not yet, you clowns! Sorry, uh, tell us about your RPG!
Cloud Strife: Final Fantasy 7, quite possibly the best RPG out there today.
Mewtwo: (long pause) Let's look at the clip!
(Clip from Final Fantasy 7 is shown, scene of Cloud, Tifa, and Barret escaping Sector 7 before it collapsed)
Mewtwo: Clip category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 3.14, 78, 109, 12.2, "HELLO MY NAME IS Celebi")
Announcer: (with French translation in background) Raikou, twelve point two. Mew, one hundred nine. Celebi, "Hello my name is Celebi."
Mewtwo: What is it with you and destroying Sectors?
Cloud Strife: (clears throat) Well, the thing is, we're trying to stop this evil corporation hell bent on destroying our earth.
Mewtwo: You just decided to blow up, that's it?
Cloud Strife: (shrugs) Uh... I...
Lugia: (mocking Cloud a la Butthead) Uh huh huh, uh huh huh...
Mewtwo: Okay Cloud! Solve the puzzle! (Cloud doesn't have time to respond)
Mewtwo: Wrong! Too many vowels!
Cloud Strife: Oh, sssss...
Mewtwo: Council?
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 5, 4, 3, 6, 3)
Mewtwo: Hmmmm, not so good. Do you sing?
Cloud Strife: Uh... no, I don't.
Mewtwo: Dance?
Cloud Strife: No Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: (sings, in monotone) Don't sing, don't dance. What do you do... Cloud?
Cloud Strife: I'm, uh, an RPG Character.
Mewtwo: Could I be an RPG Character?
Cloud Strife: Well, you just asked me what do I do, so...
Mewtwo: Okay, I'm doing an RPG, here we go, I am a RPG character! What's my motivation? Where am I? Why am I? What are the other characters doing?
Cloud Strife: I guess the characters are doing superhuman feats in themselves.
Mewtwo: Likin' it! They're doing feats and I come in and I say...?
Cloud Strife: Uh...
Mewtwo: Talk to me, Cloudy baby!
Cloud Strife: Hello, and my name is Cloud Strife.
Mewtwo: (bad acting, straight) "Hello, and my name is Cloud Strife!" RPG category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 2, 0, 1, 2, 4)
Mewtwo: Ooooh. Sliding. Well, thanks, Cloud! We'll see you at the end of the show!
Cloud Strife: Thank you, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: You're welcome! My next contestant is Zidane Tribal!
Lugia: The wrestler?
Mewtwo: No, the star of Final Fnatasy 9.
(Zidane Tribal appears on the monitor, eating a danish)
Mewtwo: Hello, Citizen Tribal!
Lugia: Hey, do you know Rick Flair and/or Vince McMahon?
Zidane Tribal: Mm Hm. (takes big bite)
Lugia: (wide eyed) Food. Food!
Eneti: (pointing) You have a danish!
Zidane Tribal: Yes.
Lugia: Gimme the danish!
Zidane Tribal: Okey dokey.
Mewtwo: No, Zidane, it's a trick! He'll take your whole hand!
Zidane Tribal: No, I doubt it, but it would be funny... that would be comedy.
Mewtwo: Wait a second, Chester, blood is not funny.
Raikou: (Ding!) Blood is funny! Zidane is the winner!
Zidane Tribal: I totally love the New Island.
Mewtwo: Citizen Zidane, you chose the danish, why?
Zidane Tribal: I have no idea, it was the only thing there, it was either a bagel or this cream cheese frosting thing.
Mewtwo: Food selection category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: -9, -1, -3, -2, 0)
Mewtwo: Council would have chosen the bagel. Bad decision, Zidane.
Zidane Tribal: See, what I'm trying to do is chew and talk at the same time...
Mewtwo: Talking with your mouth full category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: -22, -3, -90, -48, -67)
Mewtwo: Ooooh, Zidane, things aren't lookin' good. Bad manners are never en vogue.
Zidane Tribal: I guess, it, it...
Mewtwo: Let's look at the clip!
(Clip of Final Fantasy 9, obviously, a boss battle)
Mewtwo: Clip category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 9, 0, 2, 1, 0)
Mewtwo: You can do better than that, Zidane!
Zidane Tribal: I... (long pause) (shrugs) I guess you're a critic.
Mewtwo: Yup.
Zidane Tribal: Okay.
Mewtwo: We'll be back in two and two!
Announcer: Only one RPG will win! Which one will it be? Stay tuned to find out.
(RPG Awards Show graphic)
Announcer: Oh goody! The RPG Awards Show franchise is back! Excited? I am.
Mewtwo: Welcome back! Our next contestant is Lan Hiarki!
Lan Hiarki: Whew! Just beamed in from the old Enterprise, uh, thought I'd say hi!
Mewtwo: Shatner method acting! Survey says...
Council of Doom: (Ding!) (Scores: 0, 0, 0, 0, 0)
Mewtwo: Goose eggs. Ha ha ha! But you'll have a chance to make that up. Tell us what you do!
Lan Hiarki: I am an owner of a NET Navi, MegamanEXE, star of Megaman Battle Network.
Mewtwo: Wrong!
Lan Hiarki: Excuse me, Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: You must answer in the form of a walrus!
Lan Hiarki: Walrus? Are you serious?
Suicune: Pardon the intrusion, don't you mean, question?
Mewtwo: You have a question, Suicune?
Suicune: No, lower brain form, you mean, he should answer in the form of a question.
Mewtwo: Yes, he should question in the form of an answer! Good answer! Question the answer, Lanny!
Lan Hiarki: Don't call me that.
Mewtwo:Sorry. Now for the clincher... (drum roll)
Lan Hiarki: This is totally serious.
Mewtwo: You wouldn't understand my shouting Braille when there's a blender in the oven.
Lan Hiarki: Uh, because our deflector shields were up and our communication was kinda garbled?
Mewtwo: Uhhhh, we'll have to check with the judges, hold on!
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 9, 7, 8, 9, 8)
Mewtwo: You're back in the race!
Lan Hiarki: Thank you, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Not a problem, Lan.
Lan Hiarki: This is my fifteen seconds of, royal fame.
Mewtwo: That's enough, son.
Lan Hiarki: Okay, was I hammin' it up a little too much?
Lugia: Roll the clip!
(Clip of MEGAMAN Battle Network, PRESS START screen only)
Mewtwo: Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 8, -107, 9, 8, 7)
Mewtwo: Well, Lan, you're doing okay.
Lan Hiarki: Okay.
Mewtwo: See you. (Lan zaps off monitor)
Mewtwo: Okay! My next contestant is Squall Leonhart. (appears on monitor)
Celebi: Hey! What time is it?
Mewtwo: Welcome, Comrade Ginsu!
Squall Leonhart: Whatever...
Mewtwo: I'll take that as a "hello".
Squall Leonhart: (What and idiot.)
Mewtwo: Um...ok...
Squall Leonhart: ...
Mewtwo: Cold Hearted category! Survey says...
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 2, -5, 1, 2, Celebi)
Celebi: Hey! What time is it?
Mewtwo: Tell us about your RPG.
Squall Leonhart: Final Fantasy 8, um, it was ok...
Mewtwo: Uh huh... Roll it!
(Clip of Final Fantasy 8 is shown, the scene of Seifer and Squall fighting, Squall gets cut across the face)
Mewtwo: Clip category! Survey says...
Lugia: FF8 SUCKS!
Mewtwo: Ooooh, (Ding!) what do you say to that Comrade?
Squall Leonhart: It doesn't bother me at all.
Celebi: (in background) Hey! (Ding!) Hey, looky here! (Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!) Hey, look at me! (Ding! Ding!)
Mewtwo: (looks at Celebi, annoyed) Self-restraint category! Survey says... Survey says...
Celebi: Oh!
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 1, 3, 2, 3, 1)
Celebi: There!
Mewtwo: Okay Ginsberg, looks good!
Squall Leonhart: Thank you, Mewtwo...I guess...
Mewtwo: (mocking) Thank you, Mewtwo, I guess. (quietly) What a jerk! (normal voice) Our last and final contestant is Tron Bonne!
Mewtwo: Citizen Tron Bonne, Come on down! (monitor lowers)
Tron Bonne: Thanks. It's good to be here.
Mewtwo: What do you do?
Tron Bonne:Uh, I'm a character in my own game, The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, the game where my brother, Tesiel Bonne gets kidnapped.
Mewtwo: Ohhhh, let's see the clip.
(Clip of Tron Bonne's game, about 0.5 second long)
Mewtwo: That's great!
Tron Bonne: Um, Why aren't you like a big purple tail just with, like, eyes goin' like (motions) "Woooh!" and scary? I mean, why is that? I mean, that's like a mavrick.
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)
Mewtwo: Uh, Tron...
Tron Bonne: You know, I don't, I don't understand this whole purple tail blue eyes thing. It's kinda strange to me.
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)
Mewtwo: Bonne...
Tron Bonne: Not really spooky.
Mewtwo: I'm not a mavrick, Jenny! I'm Mewtwo!
Tron Bonne: Oh, is that it?
Mewtwo: Yes! I'm the savior of Kanto! A mature crime-fighter of all evil!
Tron Bonne: I don't, I don't, uh, think crime fighting takes any specific age.
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)
Mewtwo: Quit thinking.
Tron Bonne: Okay, I mean, even babies could save the day if they had to.
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 11, 11, 11, 11, 11)
Mewtwo: Aren't you late for something?
Tron Bonne: Uh uh. No.
Mewtwo: (raises his fist, as if to fire)
Tron Bonne: Oh, I get it.
Mewtwo: And it's not funny... is it?
Tron Bonne: Nooo, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Get a new hairdo, Bonne.
(Tron disappears from the monitor)
Mewtwo: Alrighty! Now it's time to tabulate the scores and determine tonight's winning director! (tympani roll) Eneti?
Eneti: (pulls the lever to begin tabulating)
Mewtwo: And the winner is...
Announcer: Don't move. Not a muscle. The winning RPG is coming up! Right after these messages.
(Black screen for a whole minute)
(RPG Awards Show graphic)
Announcer: Ah, there's more. We now return to the conclusion of The First Annual RPG Awards Show. Let me do that again.
Eneti: It's a tie! I think. Idn't it?
All Legendary Pokémon: (Scores: 86, 86, 85, 86, 86)
Eneti: Yeah, it's a tie. (fanfare)
(Musical accompaniment starts; Mewtwo and Lugia sing)
Mewtwo: Here he comes!
It's a tie!
It's a beautiful burnt sienna tie for me!
Lugia: I want green,
to match my spleen,
Oh, what a beautiful tie!
Pikachu: Pi! Ka!
Mewtwo: Look at Pika,
He is small,
Oh, what a rodent he is!
(Music ends)
Pikachu: Pikachu!
Mewtwo: What? Quit speaking Pikachu!
Suicune: (pausing deliberately, as though he's translating) Ahem. He said, since it's a tie, yes, I believe it's 'tie', you must have a tie-breaker.
Mewtwo: No, since it's a tie we'll have a swimsuit competition! (low voice) Lose the rat!
(Pikachu screeches, followed by a crash sound)
Mewtwo: The tie-breaker category is the Swimsuit Competition! Citizen Cloud Strife! Go!
Cloud Strife: (appears on screen) No, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Disqualified! (zaps him off of screen) Zidane Tribal! Swimsuit! Go!
Zidane Tribal: (appears on screen, still eating, mouth full) Do I look at anybody?
Lugia: Danish!
Mewtwo: Disqualified! (zaps him off of screen) Lan Hiraki! Swimsuit! Go!
Lan Hiarki: (appears on screen) Are you serious?
Mewtwo: Disqualified! Comrade Gingersnap! Swimsuit! Go!
Squall Leonhart: Not on your life...
Mewtwo: Disqualified! (zaps him off screen) Last contestant! Tron Bonne! Swimsuit! Go!
Tron Bonne: (appears in a reveiling swimsuit, life jacket, water wings, fins, mask and snorkel, posing & waving; disco music plays)
Mewtwo: And the winner of the 1st Annual RPG Award is... Troooooon Bonne! (Tron holds flowers and weeps, a tiara on her head)
Tron Bonne: (talking through mask and snorkel, blowing kisses) Thank you, Mewtwo, oh, I love them, thank you, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Goodnight everybody! You're beautiful! Here's the winning RPG that won the winning... oh, roll the RPG.
(The Misadventures of Tron Bonne opening is shown, followed a montage of the entire game)
(Credits roll)
Space Ghost: (mocking) Thank you Space Ghost.
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES