*Standard disclaimers, song by X-Japan*
**Yaoi, death, angst**
Tears of Loss: Tears
Take (March 1999) --translation courtesy of Cricket
~~~~~~
Where do we go after separated
Now that hanging question has passed
~~~~~~
Hiei:
I stood by Yuusuke as he knocked on the front door of Kurama's house - I couldn't sense any youki, but there was something…strange in there. Yuusuke and Kuwabara sensed it too; I could tell by their uneasy expressions.
"Hn, idiot ningens," I snorted, hiding my concern behind a mask of impatience. I'd been in the Makai when Yuusuke's urgent request had come through; something was wrong with Kurama. For the past week he hadn't been answering his calls, and he had made no mention of going away. I swiftly picked the lock on the door, pushing it open.
~~~~~~
On an endless night, I dreamt of a journey
I gazed at the odd skies, and embraced loneliness
~~~~~~
My reflection stares back at me from my blade, daring me to take my life, to join my other half…my soul.
***
We found his body in his bedroom, an expression of fear and pain frozen on his pale features…he was so white lying there on the floor. The smell of death hung in the air, unforgettable; when we opened his bedroom door, it hit us, making our stomachs heave. Once a person smells death, he will always recognize it; he'll always know.
I walked into the room in shock, the carpet making squelching, moist sounds as I crossed the bedroom, my stunned eyes fixed on the body of my lover. As I knelt next to him, I could see why my footsteps sounded wet. Kurama had been stabbed at least fifty times; his blood had drained, soaking the carpet.
***
I can feel my throat tightening and a burning rage beginning in the pit of my stomach - sensations familiar of late. There are probably still scorch marks on the walls of Kurama's bedroom; evidence of my loss of control. I can feel a bitter laugh starting; ironic that the very world that Kurama tried to protect was his downfall - and for what? A few pieces of jewelry and coin?
My fist clenches in anger; I can feel the snarl on my lips. Stabbed to death by a human with hardly any reiki…just the brute force and desperation to overpower my slender fox. I'd howl at the unfairness of it all, but I can't even summon the will to do even that; everything in me is fighting the urge to destroy the place - the *people* - who took Kurama from me. If I had just been there for him…
~~~~~~
Tears flow with the winds of time
It's not over, feel your sigh
~~~~~~
I feel the 'ping' of tears against my lap; I didn't even realize I was crying. My defenses are too worn as it is keeping myself under control. I'd give anything, anything, to hold Kurama, feel him next to me, my name a sigh on his lips. If I close my eyes, I can hear his voice…
~~~~~~
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
~~~~~~
Kurama:
I stand quietly in Koenma's office, my face a frozen mask. Koenma looks at my sympathetically - I don't want his pity. Hiei is hurting, and there's nothing I can do about it. 'I'm sorry Kurama, we can't find your youko body' doesn't help.
I watch the monitor in front of Koenma's desk; I want to take my fire demon in my arms and dry his tears and tell him I love him. I want to soothe his pain, but I can't. There's nothing I can do but watch helplessly as my life swings between suicide and homicidal rage.
"Hiei," I whisper brokenly, reaching out to touch my lover's image on the screen.
~~~~~~
Loneliness your silent whisper
Fills a river of tears
Through the night
~~~~~~
"Kurama…" Koenma's hesitant voice comes from behind. "You can go to him." My head snaps around; I can feel my eyes widening, hardly daring to believe. "Only in spirit though…he might not be able to sense you." I shake my head; it doesn't matter, as long as I can go to Hiei - to be with him.
My voice is a harsh croak. "Can…can I stay with him until I can be reincarnated?" As much as I try, I can't keep all of my desperation out of the question. Koenma looks torn; I know full well that what I'm asking is against Reikai regulations. "Please…"
Koenma nods understandingly. "Take the Gate in the East Wing," he tells me.
I bow and exit, stopping in the doorway to look back. "Arigatou." Then I am gone.
The oni hurry by, hardly sparing me a glance; those who do look at me do so with awe; the infamous Youko Kurama, ex-thief come Reikai Tantei. I keep my face a blank wall as I head for the Gate; inwardly though, I'm crying…I can feel Hiei's suffering through our link - something not even death could sever.
The loneliness that once threatened to overwhelm my lover is back; it floods my senses…something is broken…something vital.
I stop in front of the Gate, mildly shocked to find tears in my eyes. I didn't know spirits could weep…
~~~~~~
Memory you never let me cry
~~~~~~
Hiei never liked it when I cried, I remember - not that I did it often, but still, the life he'd led hadn't had room for tears or other shows of weakness; they made him uncomfortable…but comforted him, in a way. It reaffirmed that I could feel emotion - could feel love and sadness - for him. Quickly, I wipe my tears away with shaking hands and enter the Gate; Hiei needs me.
~~~~~~
And you, you never said goodbye
~~~~~~
Hiei:
Something shattered when I saw him lying there; Yukina had closed his wounds so that my fox could have a decent funeral. I've never been a spiritual person, but I never really placed much importance on the aesthetics of the body, either. Until Kurama, that is. Not when he was alive - no, I realized this during his funeral; I couldn't bear the thought of his body staying so mangled. I needed his body whole to keep me sane. The searing rage is gone, replaced by an aching nothingness. At least the rage hid the void; now that it has passed, I can feel my loss with every excruciating second that ticks by.
I can't let him go; I can't say goodbye to Kurama. Not now, not ever.
~~~~~~
Sometimes our tears blinded the love
We lost our dreams along the way
~~~~~~
The memories we made together are worth more to me than all the power and riches in the three worlds, both the happy and the sad. It wasn't always a smooth relationship; both of us were stubborn as hell, and sometimes we hurt each other. Living together stripped us of our illusions and how the other was perceived, surprising us both; neither was what the other thought him to be, but more. Even so, through all our uncertainties and vulnerabilities, one thing was for sure; we felt right together.
~~~~~~
But I never thought you'd trade your
Soul to the fates
Never thought you'd leave me alone
~~~~~~
Kurama told me once that he'd gladly die for me. I never doubted it, but I also knew that his ability to defend himself was without question…or so I thought. I thought we still had a long time together; I thought we had forever. I'd never thought he'd leave me alone, not like this.
Fate is funny that way. She'll show you a glimpse of paradise, then wrench it away from you, uncaring of the devastation she causes.
~~~~~~
Time through the rain has set me free
Sands of time will keep your memory
~~~~~~
The distant rumble of thunder startles me out of my macabre musings. I gather up my katana and pull my cloak tighter around me; it looks like a Makai storm is coming. I might as well go back to Mukuro's; my chamber will be drier than this branch in a few minutes. Besides…its not like I have a place to go back to, in the Ningenkai.
I take off at a dead run, pushing myself until I can feel my lungs burning and my heart pounding painfully, pushing myself to my limits. I need this physical release; if I keep brooding, I *will* go insane. Too bad that my mind has other ideas; as I run, I remember…
~~~~~~
Love everlasting fades away
Alive within your beatless heart
~~~~~~
Mukuro gives me an inscrutable look as I go past her to my room. I collapse onto the windowsill, staring out into the darkness; I need no light to see into my memory.
Kurama looked so pale and peaceful lying in his coffin, as if he was sleeping. I remember reaching out to smooth back a lock of hair, the flesh cold and clammy to my touch. In that instant, I felt something dim inside…like a fire dying down to embers. It was as if my soul knew what my mind and heart won't - can't - accept; that the only one who could ever make me burn is gone.
I probably *will* go mad soon; I fancy I can hear my fox's voice in my darkened room, and feel his fingers wiping away the tears that have found their way past my defenses.
~~~~~~
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
~~~~~~
Kurama:
Mukuro knows I'm here; the question is, does Hiei? If I concentrate hard enough, I can solidify my form to the point where I can touch my fire demon. Gently, I wipe away the traces of tears I find. Hiei might not be able to see or hear me, but he can feel me. Maybe one day…'til then, I'll take care of him as best I can. I don't want Hiei to be alone…
~~~~~~
Tears flow with the winds of time
Never-ending sadness changes to a blue flower
~~~~~~
Hiei:
It hurts - I can feel Kurama; I *know* he's here - or his spirit is. Being so close and yet so far…to touch but not see. "Bittersweet ne, Kurama?" I say into the silence. A breeze brushes my face, like someone passing in front of me; I feel ghostly fingers stroking my hair, rubbing the back of my neck comfortingly. Against my will, I can feel my body begin to relax. The touch is so familiar…It's not as painful if I keep my eyes closed; I can pretend that Kurama is behind me. I can even feel his warmth.
~~~~~~
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
~~~~~~
Kurama:
I concentrate my efforts into making Hiei relax. "Bittersweet ne, Kurama?" he says, and I answer, knowing that he can't hear me. "Aa…demo, kokoro no chikaku ni attara, daijoubu." I try to project my love for him so that he can feel it. "Daijoubu."
I won't leave him; not this time.
~~~~~~
Tears flow with the winds of time
It's not over, feel your sigh
~~~~~~
Hiei:
I receive my orders from Mukuro, nodding respectfully before going to my chambers to gather my things. The tiny bundle is waiting on the inside of the door, and I can feel my lips twitching.
"Well fox," I say to the room, "another tour of the borders." I step over to the dresser, toying with the petals of one of the deep red roses in a vase there. It's been a year since Kurama's untimely death. I still can't see him, but from time to time I swear I can hear his laugh; it still has the power to lighten my mood - it always will.
"You've been busy, I see." That's the truth; in the year that Kurama has taken up 'residence' with me, my once spare rooms have shown signs of his touch, like the flowers and the neatly made futon. The last thought makes me hide a smirk. Even in death, the fox worms his was into my bed; at night, I can feel his arms around me protectively.
Sometimes its pure torture to have Kurama with me, but I'd rather have part of Kurama than none of him. If there's anything this past year has taught me, it that I've gotten the better part of the deal; Kurama's soul. What's between us is more than just physical; that's been proven time and again.
I'm startled from my reverie by the sensation of lips brushing against mine. "Wakatta wakatta. Ja, ikou." I stoop to pick up the bundle Kurama has prepared and go to meet the other members of my patrol, Kurama a warm presence beside me.
~~~~~~
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
~~~~~~
Kurama:
It took some getting used to on both our parts; so far, the only other person in this place who knows about me is Mukuro. She was actually glad to 'see' me: "Good, now I won't have to worry about replacing my heir." It's nice to know I'm good for something.
Hiei adjusted eventually, and seems content with our unusual relationship. He talks to me now in public, regardless of the odd looks he sometimes gets; other youkai believe he's gone slightly insane from my death. Let them believe what they want; that way they'll underestimate my beautiful lover.
A sly grin crosses my face as I keep up with Hiei. Every youkai that has ever plotted his death has met an unfortunate end, giving rise to the rumors that Hiei has a 'guardian angel'. Well, not exactly…
One day, Hiei's guardian angel will show up in the flesh, and both Hiei and I are looking forward to the occasion. We're going to have a lot of catching up to do.
~Owari~
**Yaoi, death, angst**
Tears of Loss: Tears
Take (March 1999) --translation courtesy of Cricket
~~~~~~
Where do we go after separated
Now that hanging question has passed
~~~~~~
Hiei:
I stood by Yuusuke as he knocked on the front door of Kurama's house - I couldn't sense any youki, but there was something…strange in there. Yuusuke and Kuwabara sensed it too; I could tell by their uneasy expressions.
"Hn, idiot ningens," I snorted, hiding my concern behind a mask of impatience. I'd been in the Makai when Yuusuke's urgent request had come through; something was wrong with Kurama. For the past week he hadn't been answering his calls, and he had made no mention of going away. I swiftly picked the lock on the door, pushing it open.
~~~~~~
On an endless night, I dreamt of a journey
I gazed at the odd skies, and embraced loneliness
~~~~~~
My reflection stares back at me from my blade, daring me to take my life, to join my other half…my soul.
***
We found his body in his bedroom, an expression of fear and pain frozen on his pale features…he was so white lying there on the floor. The smell of death hung in the air, unforgettable; when we opened his bedroom door, it hit us, making our stomachs heave. Once a person smells death, he will always recognize it; he'll always know.
I walked into the room in shock, the carpet making squelching, moist sounds as I crossed the bedroom, my stunned eyes fixed on the body of my lover. As I knelt next to him, I could see why my footsteps sounded wet. Kurama had been stabbed at least fifty times; his blood had drained, soaking the carpet.
***
I can feel my throat tightening and a burning rage beginning in the pit of my stomach - sensations familiar of late. There are probably still scorch marks on the walls of Kurama's bedroom; evidence of my loss of control. I can feel a bitter laugh starting; ironic that the very world that Kurama tried to protect was his downfall - and for what? A few pieces of jewelry and coin?
My fist clenches in anger; I can feel the snarl on my lips. Stabbed to death by a human with hardly any reiki…just the brute force and desperation to overpower my slender fox. I'd howl at the unfairness of it all, but I can't even summon the will to do even that; everything in me is fighting the urge to destroy the place - the *people* - who took Kurama from me. If I had just been there for him…
~~~~~~
Tears flow with the winds of time
It's not over, feel your sigh
~~~~~~
I feel the 'ping' of tears against my lap; I didn't even realize I was crying. My defenses are too worn as it is keeping myself under control. I'd give anything, anything, to hold Kurama, feel him next to me, my name a sigh on his lips. If I close my eyes, I can hear his voice…
~~~~~~
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
~~~~~~
Kurama:
I stand quietly in Koenma's office, my face a frozen mask. Koenma looks at my sympathetically - I don't want his pity. Hiei is hurting, and there's nothing I can do about it. 'I'm sorry Kurama, we can't find your youko body' doesn't help.
I watch the monitor in front of Koenma's desk; I want to take my fire demon in my arms and dry his tears and tell him I love him. I want to soothe his pain, but I can't. There's nothing I can do but watch helplessly as my life swings between suicide and homicidal rage.
"Hiei," I whisper brokenly, reaching out to touch my lover's image on the screen.
~~~~~~
Loneliness your silent whisper
Fills a river of tears
Through the night
~~~~~~
"Kurama…" Koenma's hesitant voice comes from behind. "You can go to him." My head snaps around; I can feel my eyes widening, hardly daring to believe. "Only in spirit though…he might not be able to sense you." I shake my head; it doesn't matter, as long as I can go to Hiei - to be with him.
My voice is a harsh croak. "Can…can I stay with him until I can be reincarnated?" As much as I try, I can't keep all of my desperation out of the question. Koenma looks torn; I know full well that what I'm asking is against Reikai regulations. "Please…"
Koenma nods understandingly. "Take the Gate in the East Wing," he tells me.
I bow and exit, stopping in the doorway to look back. "Arigatou." Then I am gone.
The oni hurry by, hardly sparing me a glance; those who do look at me do so with awe; the infamous Youko Kurama, ex-thief come Reikai Tantei. I keep my face a blank wall as I head for the Gate; inwardly though, I'm crying…I can feel Hiei's suffering through our link - something not even death could sever.
The loneliness that once threatened to overwhelm my lover is back; it floods my senses…something is broken…something vital.
I stop in front of the Gate, mildly shocked to find tears in my eyes. I didn't know spirits could weep…
~~~~~~
Memory you never let me cry
~~~~~~
Hiei never liked it when I cried, I remember - not that I did it often, but still, the life he'd led hadn't had room for tears or other shows of weakness; they made him uncomfortable…but comforted him, in a way. It reaffirmed that I could feel emotion - could feel love and sadness - for him. Quickly, I wipe my tears away with shaking hands and enter the Gate; Hiei needs me.
~~~~~~
And you, you never said goodbye
~~~~~~
Hiei:
Something shattered when I saw him lying there; Yukina had closed his wounds so that my fox could have a decent funeral. I've never been a spiritual person, but I never really placed much importance on the aesthetics of the body, either. Until Kurama, that is. Not when he was alive - no, I realized this during his funeral; I couldn't bear the thought of his body staying so mangled. I needed his body whole to keep me sane. The searing rage is gone, replaced by an aching nothingness. At least the rage hid the void; now that it has passed, I can feel my loss with every excruciating second that ticks by.
I can't let him go; I can't say goodbye to Kurama. Not now, not ever.
~~~~~~
Sometimes our tears blinded the love
We lost our dreams along the way
~~~~~~
The memories we made together are worth more to me than all the power and riches in the three worlds, both the happy and the sad. It wasn't always a smooth relationship; both of us were stubborn as hell, and sometimes we hurt each other. Living together stripped us of our illusions and how the other was perceived, surprising us both; neither was what the other thought him to be, but more. Even so, through all our uncertainties and vulnerabilities, one thing was for sure; we felt right together.
~~~~~~
But I never thought you'd trade your
Soul to the fates
Never thought you'd leave me alone
~~~~~~
Kurama told me once that he'd gladly die for me. I never doubted it, but I also knew that his ability to defend himself was without question…or so I thought. I thought we still had a long time together; I thought we had forever. I'd never thought he'd leave me alone, not like this.
Fate is funny that way. She'll show you a glimpse of paradise, then wrench it away from you, uncaring of the devastation she causes.
~~~~~~
Time through the rain has set me free
Sands of time will keep your memory
~~~~~~
The distant rumble of thunder startles me out of my macabre musings. I gather up my katana and pull my cloak tighter around me; it looks like a Makai storm is coming. I might as well go back to Mukuro's; my chamber will be drier than this branch in a few minutes. Besides…its not like I have a place to go back to, in the Ningenkai.
I take off at a dead run, pushing myself until I can feel my lungs burning and my heart pounding painfully, pushing myself to my limits. I need this physical release; if I keep brooding, I *will* go insane. Too bad that my mind has other ideas; as I run, I remember…
~~~~~~
Love everlasting fades away
Alive within your beatless heart
~~~~~~
Mukuro gives me an inscrutable look as I go past her to my room. I collapse onto the windowsill, staring out into the darkness; I need no light to see into my memory.
Kurama looked so pale and peaceful lying in his coffin, as if he was sleeping. I remember reaching out to smooth back a lock of hair, the flesh cold and clammy to my touch. In that instant, I felt something dim inside…like a fire dying down to embers. It was as if my soul knew what my mind and heart won't - can't - accept; that the only one who could ever make me burn is gone.
I probably *will* go mad soon; I fancy I can hear my fox's voice in my darkened room, and feel his fingers wiping away the tears that have found their way past my defenses.
~~~~~~
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
~~~~~~
Kurama:
Mukuro knows I'm here; the question is, does Hiei? If I concentrate hard enough, I can solidify my form to the point where I can touch my fire demon. Gently, I wipe away the traces of tears I find. Hiei might not be able to see or hear me, but he can feel me. Maybe one day…'til then, I'll take care of him as best I can. I don't want Hiei to be alone…
~~~~~~
Tears flow with the winds of time
Never-ending sadness changes to a blue flower
~~~~~~
Hiei:
It hurts - I can feel Kurama; I *know* he's here - or his spirit is. Being so close and yet so far…to touch but not see. "Bittersweet ne, Kurama?" I say into the silence. A breeze brushes my face, like someone passing in front of me; I feel ghostly fingers stroking my hair, rubbing the back of my neck comfortingly. Against my will, I can feel my body begin to relax. The touch is so familiar…It's not as painful if I keep my eyes closed; I can pretend that Kurama is behind me. I can even feel his warmth.
~~~~~~
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
~~~~~~
Kurama:
I concentrate my efforts into making Hiei relax. "Bittersweet ne, Kurama?" he says, and I answer, knowing that he can't hear me. "Aa…demo, kokoro no chikaku ni attara, daijoubu." I try to project my love for him so that he can feel it. "Daijoubu."
I won't leave him; not this time.
~~~~~~
Tears flow with the winds of time
It's not over, feel your sigh
~~~~~~
Hiei:
I receive my orders from Mukuro, nodding respectfully before going to my chambers to gather my things. The tiny bundle is waiting on the inside of the door, and I can feel my lips twitching.
"Well fox," I say to the room, "another tour of the borders." I step over to the dresser, toying with the petals of one of the deep red roses in a vase there. It's been a year since Kurama's untimely death. I still can't see him, but from time to time I swear I can hear his laugh; it still has the power to lighten my mood - it always will.
"You've been busy, I see." That's the truth; in the year that Kurama has taken up 'residence' with me, my once spare rooms have shown signs of his touch, like the flowers and the neatly made futon. The last thought makes me hide a smirk. Even in death, the fox worms his was into my bed; at night, I can feel his arms around me protectively.
Sometimes its pure torture to have Kurama with me, but I'd rather have part of Kurama than none of him. If there's anything this past year has taught me, it that I've gotten the better part of the deal; Kurama's soul. What's between us is more than just physical; that's been proven time and again.
I'm startled from my reverie by the sensation of lips brushing against mine. "Wakatta wakatta. Ja, ikou." I stoop to pick up the bundle Kurama has prepared and go to meet the other members of my patrol, Kurama a warm presence beside me.
~~~~~~
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
~~~~~~
Kurama:
It took some getting used to on both our parts; so far, the only other person in this place who knows about me is Mukuro. She was actually glad to 'see' me: "Good, now I won't have to worry about replacing my heir." It's nice to know I'm good for something.
Hiei adjusted eventually, and seems content with our unusual relationship. He talks to me now in public, regardless of the odd looks he sometimes gets; other youkai believe he's gone slightly insane from my death. Let them believe what they want; that way they'll underestimate my beautiful lover.
A sly grin crosses my face as I keep up with Hiei. Every youkai that has ever plotted his death has met an unfortunate end, giving rise to the rumors that Hiei has a 'guardian angel'. Well, not exactly…
One day, Hiei's guardian angel will show up in the flesh, and both Hiei and I are looking forward to the occasion. We're going to have a lot of catching up to do.
~Owari~