*Disclaimer* you know and I know CCS is not mine..
Where Memories Lie..
Chapter 4
Memories, Tears & Love
--Syaoran's POV--
Just looking at the expression on his face made me want to cry. He looked completely torn and I could only imagine what was going through his head. He was probably thinking something along the lines of what felt right and what was the right thing to do. I hoped neither of those choices meant letting me go, but I was terribly fearful of that look in his eyes. Something told me that was exactly what he was thinking. I threw myself on him not daring to let go, after all we shared he couldn't possibly do this to me now. I was surprised to feel his fingers run through my hair. I looked up at him and he wiped the bangs from my face. He wore a small smile.
"I promised I would take you somewhere today didn't I?" he whispered.
I couldn't help but grin myself. My fear of being abandoned vanished suddenly and I found myself in his embrace once more.
"We gotta get out of here." I told him.
He nodded picking me up off the floor. We headed out the door as quickly as possible leaving our worries behind. We ran untill we reached the park exhausted. I cleared a spot on a bench and we threw ourselves on it. He rested his head against me as I played lightly with his silky dark blue strands.
"I feel free Eriol.." I told him "Like we can do anything. Like this was meant to be all along."
He smiled up at me, "Who am I to second guess fate."
A warm breeze blew by us rustling at the trees in my view. Somehow the thought of beautiful leaves pulled at my brain. I dismissed it only to notice Eriol had sat up and was leaning towards me.
"Ready to go? This time of day is best for the special place I want to take you."
I nodded excitedly and he stood up grabbing my hand as if to lead me on the way.
"It's about an hour from here so we have a few choices. We can go by bus, by cab or ride in style."
I grew curious as to what style was.
"Good choice." he said.
By the time I knew it were were zipping through the streets on the motorcycle he rented. I was anxious to know where it was we were heading to.
My question was answered as we ended up in a national park. Eriol led me by hand through the woods. The leaves on the trees danced in the wind and the more we walked the more excited I became. He stopped suddenly at the foot of a cliff, pointing to the top.
"Up there." he said.
My head began to spin. "This looks so..so.."
He turned towards me. "Something wrong?" he asked a bit worried.
I smiled at him. "Nothing, it just looks a little dangerous."
He gave me a quick kiss and then winked. "Not if we use magic to get up there."
A magic circle appeared below us and I found myself floating with him hand in hand. The rocks flew by us as we continued ascending. An unsteady one fell past us and my head panged as it clicked towards the ground. We finally landed at the top. Eriol wound his arms around me from behind.
"Look.." he said.
Before us appeared a sea of trees, all swaying and whispering in the wind beneath us. The mountains towered in the distance. The sun gave everything a radiant glow.
"It's beautiful Eriol, I'm glad you showed me this." I said taking a few small steps out on a ledge to see better.
A little rock slipped from under me tumbling down the cliff.
"Be careful Syaoran, don't get too close to that edge, I wouldn't want you to fall."
His words clicked in my head. It was true something didn't seem right. In fact the last time I was here the sun was setting and the sky was red with the slight hint of stars beginning to show and..and.. Suddenly it all came back to me in a rush. A million images piled up in my head. Words, events, people, places. That's right. I had been here! With Sakura. I looked back at the smiling Eriol and I nearly broke into tears. He noticed my reaction and came quickly to embrace me but I pushed him back.
"Syaoran..?" he asked.
"Eriol..I remember." I mumbled. "I remember everything."
He stepped back in shock. "Are you sure?" his voice quivering.
I nodded. "This is where I had my accident. I was with Sakura and I was being stupid jumping on the rocks and..oh god.." my hands instinctively covered my face. "What have I done?! Sakura!"
Eriol's face dropped and his gaze fell to the floor as his fists balled up beside him.
"Eriol! You knew..you took advantage of the situation didn't you!?" I began to freak out.
He didn't look up, "That's not true, you knew that Sakura was your girlfriend but you told me yourself it was irrelevant." he uttered.
"And you believed me!? Of COURSE I would say that. I didn't remember anything about her so how could I possibly feel anything towards her. You must have charmed me with something..I don't know. What was I thinking!? I threw away years with her over..over." I paused trying to find suitable words.
"Me?" he said.
I sighed threatening to break down. "I just..can't believe this."
Eriol suddenly advanced on me gripping my shoulders firmly. A determined yet saddened look in his eyes.
"Pull yourself together! There is still a chance for you Syaoran. It's not too late. We can find her, you can apologize and everything can go back to how it was. You can tell her what a huge mistake this was. Say whatever, but don't give up. I'm certain she still loves you. You can get her back!".
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Eriol.."
--Eriol's POV--
I had to be the bigger man. I knew all along the consequences of getting involved with him. I always had the doubt that if his memory came back he would naturally reject me. I was crying inside but I had to be strong for the boy who just threw away his most important person. I was guilty for everything. I took him, everything about him, when I knew all along he belonged to another. I guess it never really was meant to be and I realized that now. I could deal with this loss like I had so many times before. I could not keep what was not mine, no matter how much I wanted to. At least I can live with the memory that Syaoran Li loved me once..if only breifly. A new hope was lit in his eyes.
"Let's go get her." I smiled.
The ride back to town was nerve-wracking. Syaoran was hoping to catch Sakura in time and I was already mourning my loss. I kept telling myself to be strong, this is nothing new. We arrived at her house and Syaoran lept from the bike towards the gate. I waited parked on the street. He knocked on the door tapping his foot on the pavement impatiently. It was answered by Sakura's brother, Touya. They exchanged a few inaudible words. Syaoran hung his head for a moment. Then he talked to Touya for a while longer. He shrugged his shoulders and nodded. Syaoran came running back to the bike.
"Where is she?" I asked instinctively.
He leaned against the seat. "Touya told me that she packed up her bags and went up north to their small winter cottage for a while."
I placed my hand on my chin. "Do you know where it is?" I asked.
He turned to me in surprise. "Eriol it takes a while to get up there. I will just have to wait untill she gets back." he sighed.
"It might be too late." I told him, "If you really love her, it's now or never."
He flinched caught off guard for a moment by my words. I checked my watch, "It's early afternoon, will we make it there by nightfall?' I asked.
He turned to me. "It depends on how fast you drive. We might even get there earlier."
I motioned to the seat behind me. "Then hang on tight."
We drove like mad-men. Syaoran pointing the way and screaming the directions in my ear, over the noise of the road. I knew I was doing the right thing, for him, but I couldn't help feeling a little jealous, a little selfish. The fact I was the one taking him to her. Like sands in an hour-glass my time with him was running out, the faster we sped, the closer we got. The least I could do was enjoy the feeling of having his arms wrapped around my waist from behind as he clung to me on the bike. It was as close as I would ever get to feeling him like that again, as close to me like we were last night. I surpressed the urge to cry, but I'm sure that even if I did, the wind would readily dry my tears at the speed we were going. Syaoran probably wouldn't even notice. His mind was focused on only one thing: retreiving the life he lost. I was focused on letting go of the life I always wanted.
But this was all my fault and I wasn't about to prevent something that was beyond me. Still there was a guilty hope that we would never reach her place. That a road block would force us to turn back and that she would forget all about him and give him up to me. Or maybe, that he would confess his true hidden feelings for me at some rest stop and we would live happily ever after. Or perhaps..
I glanced at the area around me. The two-laned highway we were on jutting out from the cliffs above us. The forests and mountains of the north approaching us in the distance. The seemingly endless valley below us on my left with a single flimsy railing to seperate us from the fall. It crossed my mind for a split second, as my jealousy sparked, that if I couldn't have him noone could. The thought of my bike going over that edge and the two of us falling to our doom in a tight embrace to spend eternity together forever, flashed before my eyes. Had all my righteous virtues finally faded away? Was I really selfish enough to take both our lives as long as he belonged to noone? Was I really this desperate to claim something that was never really mine? I suddenly felt the wet warmth trickling from eyes. My face burning. I realized I was finally crying, a reaction to the horrible things I had been pondering. Things I never thought I was capable of imagining, and it made me mad that my mind had come to this. And I was also crying because I realized that as a powerful magician I was still helpless to do anything involving the matters of the heart. Sure I could wipe his memory, sure I could force him to be with me, but what kind of love would that be? What kind of world would it be if he never gave me a genuine smile again.
My thoughts went back to Tomoyo. I wondered if she had felt the same thing I did when she was faced with giving up the person she loved. I was amazed at how incredibly strong my friend was and ashamed that I was so weak. That I could not be more like her. Maybe it wasn't too late, maybe I could take her way and just be happy to see my love happy. Tomoyo had just silently and unknowingly taught me a valuable lesson. My tears stopped and I regained my composure. There was no use feeling sorry for myself now, the most important thing was to see Syaoran happy. The wind quickly wiped my face clean and blew on my cheeks tenderly to calm their burning. I noticed one of Syaoran's hands left it's position around my waist. From the corner of my eye I could see him wipe away at his cheek. He looked curiously at his hand.
"Eriol..?" he began to question, but I interrupted him not letting him finish what I knew he would say.
"Damn bugs.." I reassured him.
~*~
The sun began to set and the sky was painted a crimson color, accented by vividly purple clouds. The scenery had also changed as I found ourselves surrounded by endless trees on both sides. The road was a single dirt lane now, which was ok since we were not in some big car or anything. Leaves scattered the ground as we flew by and in the near distance a smoking chimney could be seen. We had arrived. Syaoran's head naturally raised itself over my shoulder as he took in his surroundings.
"Just up ahead Eriol," he said as if I couldn't tell.
His grip around my waist loosened as the bike began to slow down. I couldn't help but feel him slipping farther away from me already.
It hurt..badly.
Before time we had come to a full stop. Neither of us moved for a moment. I wasn't sure what he was thinking, I dared not to explore in his head any. The only thing left now was to say goodbye. I just wasn't sure exactly how to do that fearing that if I spoke the tears would threaten to return. I suppose our mutual silence said everything.
"Thank you for the ride, Eriol, I couldn't have done this without you." he mumbled cautiously.
I only nodded. He sighed finally stepping off the bike. I gripped the handle bars tightly as if to stop from throwing myself at him and begging him not to go. I knew it had to be left alone. He walked up to the door, poised and ready to knock.
I couldn't help myself.
"Syaoran!" I exclaimed.
He should go knowing what I felt for him. He turned, his expression set.
"I...I.." the words stuck in my throat.
I wanted so desperately to tell him everything, but the small voice in the back of my mind kept yelling 'don't interfere..don't interfere'. I smiled..
"I just, wanted to say..goodbye." I whispered, letting the breeze steal my words.
His face grew soft and he nodded. "Thank you."
I took in the last time I would see his amber eyes, and his true smile. It was enough for me. He turned towards the door again pumping his hands nervously as he prepared to knock. He was probably thinking of what exactly he would say to Sakura. His arm raised up towards the door, ready to knock. My heavy heart did not want to deal with having to see them together right now, so I swept my bike around ready to race off as fast as possible. I revved up the engine and gripped the handle bars. One of my feet shakingly left the ground and took it place on the pedal. The other hesitated to move.
Suddenly I caught movement from the corner of my eye. I turned quickly only to catch his arm slowly inching down from the door's surface. His body seemed to slump against it as his face fell towards the floor. I quickly dismounted. He turned suddenly, his face still downcast. I could not imagine what was wrong and I held back the urge to run to his side and support him. Was he really that nervous?
"Eriol.." he whispered, his voice shaky. "Remember, yesterday.when we were together."
I inched towards him slightly trying to get a better grip on his words.
"Yes.." I replied, "everything.".
His face lifted and his eyes were large, glossy; adorning his flushed expression.
"Remember when I kissed you and I told you I had wanted to do that for a long time?"
I nodded.
"At the time we never got into that discussion, focusing only on the moment. That was my fault but.." he balled his fists tightly, "..but I didn't lie." he stammered nearly choking on his own words.
"Syaoran..what are you trying to say?" I asked approaching even closer.
He looked away.
"I, I was debating with it on the way up here. Trying to figure out exactly why it was I had said that. Why I had felt the need to say those things, at the time, when my memory was non-existant. And now that I have it back..why those words were still haunting me. It took me all this time, right up untill I faced this very door, that it dawned on me." his body shook slightly as our eyes finally locked.
I swallowed hard trying to pass the lump in my throat.
"My memories lie with Sakura.." he said.
I sighed.
"But.."
I flinched, there was more?
"But my heart remains with you."
I stepped back unbelieving of what I had just heard. Was this is all some illusion I had conjured up mentally to protect myself from my loss? Was this all just some big joke, a dream?
"What do you mean?" I questioned curious to affirm my speculation.
"I mean what I meant, And I meant that I loved you. I always have. It took removing my life with Sakura to realize something I had hidden for so long. Feelings for someone I denied to admit."
My legs spawned a mind of their own and I was instantly in front of him gazing at his blushing face only inches away.
"Since when Syaoran?" I whispered.
"Since childhood." he responded his lips suddenly on mine, his arms wound around my neck.
My body felt heavy and helpless, unable to respond to the situation in complete shock. It took a minute to register what was happening, everything had moved so fast. One minute my heart had been broken to peices, the next it was being tied together with his hands; and only after I felt him wiping away at my tears did I realize what had happened.
"But Syaoran..are you sure? is this what you want? Is this how things should be? I stole so much from you already, are you willing to let go of everything you knew as true?" I clung to him desperately, fearing that if I did not I would wake from my lovely dream.
He nodded and smiled, "My life began when I was held in your arms last night. I am sure of it now."
I fell to my knees, my arms wound tightly about his torso. He led a gentle brush of his fingers through my hair, calming my trembling body.
"I almost lost you to someone else just now Syaoran, and if only you knew the things that went through my head. It was torture..the single most painful experience of my life."
He knelt in front of me, holding my face in his hands.
"I know, when you truly love someone, it is the only way you could possibly feel. That's how I knew I loved you." he motioned towards the door.
"When I thought of the consequences of knocking on that door, when I pictured myself without you..I went through the same thing and I knew it was you I wanted to be with. It was only the thought of you that drove me crazy and to lose you would have meant living in the uncertianty of 'what if' with someone else. I didn't want that. In the short amount of time we spent together I realized just how much time I had let go by, just how much more I wanted to know you. Eriol, I promise I will never do something like this to you again, ever." he said tears welling up in his eyes.
"Syaoran.."
He picked me up off the floor.
"Let's go home.." he smiled wiping his face.
I nodded, there was no place I would rather be right now and noone I would rather go with, than my little wolf.
I embraced him digging my face into his hair, "Happy Birthday Syaoran.." I whispered as my arms hung on a little tighter, and so did his.
--Sakura's POV--
The glow of the card in my grasp began to fade and I closed my hands tightly over it. Tomoyo placed a hand on my shoulder and I turned to her. Her face was littered with anxiety and conern for me, I could tell. I turned back to the window watching as Syaoran and Eriol embraced each other, spilling their tears on one another's shoulder; and I felt like crying along with them.
"Are you ok with all of this?" she asked timidly, worry lacing the tone of her voice.
I traced my finger over the face of the card named Truth.
"I had to know..I needed to know the truth in Syaoran's heart before I could think of accepting him again. It was now or never." I murmured to her peeling my gaze from the window.
I didn't have to see to know they were leaving by the sound of the bike's engine.
"I just gave up something that never belonged to me I suppose." I told her.
She smiled trying her best to comfort me. "You really are a strong person Sakura-chan, someday you will find the person who loves you most."
I smiled remembering Yukito had once told me the same thing and I knew she was right. I knew all along within me that my fickle heart was destined for someone special and even in Syaoran's arms I had never truly been sure if it was him. Sometimes I wondered if I had only accepted him because I had lost Yukito.
There were times in the beginning when it seemed like he was a rebound, someone to cling onto to when I was feeling lonely. I thought back to my younger days. I remembered not being able to answer him when he had confessed to me at first, confused between what I wanted and what was right. I had been pondering in my head if I could really learn to love him. In time we did learn to be comfortable with each other and my mind decided to associate that with love. It wasn't until now, that he was no longer with me that I realized all these things. Seeing his true feelings, and knowing they belonged with Eriol, could have only led me to believe that he had been harboring those forbidden sentiments for a very long time. Had he only confessed to me in the first place to escape his love for Eriol? Someone he probably felt was unreachable? Or was it maybe because he felt loving him was wrong at the time so he turned to me to anchor him? After all he had lost all hope of ever being with Yukito after the things Yue told him about searching his heart; he probably figured someone like Eriol would have rejected him as well. Perhaps it was all those reasons..perhaps we were both better off now.
"Are they gone now?"
My attention turned to Meiling who was standing by the doorway a sad expression on her own face.
"Yes.." I told her.
She gave me an authentically gentle smile as she walked up beside me. "Are you ok Sakura?" she asked.
I smiled
"Yes, are you?" I responded.
She nodded, "I knew it all along didn't I? It's not the first time I've lost him, but perhaps it is the last.. finally."
We had made our peace earlier today finding comfort in the mutual feeling of having given up something dear, something we both experienced. It took forever for me to acknowledge that her pain was probably greater than mine. The only thing I wondered about now was Tomoyo's stake in all this. She still held a mournful look on her own face and I wasn't sure why. Yet she always went out of her way to comfort me when I needed it. I was glad to have such a wonderful friend and I only hoped I could find what it was that made her happy, so I could give it to her always. For tonight Meiling and I would cry on her lap, but I wasn't so sure if it was for the sadness of loss or the happiness of freedom and undersanding; looking forward to a life without lies, yet full of truth and love.
~ Owari
Where Memories Lie..
Chapter 4
Memories, Tears & Love
--Syaoran's POV--
Just looking at the expression on his face made me want to cry. He looked completely torn and I could only imagine what was going through his head. He was probably thinking something along the lines of what felt right and what was the right thing to do. I hoped neither of those choices meant letting me go, but I was terribly fearful of that look in his eyes. Something told me that was exactly what he was thinking. I threw myself on him not daring to let go, after all we shared he couldn't possibly do this to me now. I was surprised to feel his fingers run through my hair. I looked up at him and he wiped the bangs from my face. He wore a small smile.
"I promised I would take you somewhere today didn't I?" he whispered.
I couldn't help but grin myself. My fear of being abandoned vanished suddenly and I found myself in his embrace once more.
"We gotta get out of here." I told him.
He nodded picking me up off the floor. We headed out the door as quickly as possible leaving our worries behind. We ran untill we reached the park exhausted. I cleared a spot on a bench and we threw ourselves on it. He rested his head against me as I played lightly with his silky dark blue strands.
"I feel free Eriol.." I told him "Like we can do anything. Like this was meant to be all along."
He smiled up at me, "Who am I to second guess fate."
A warm breeze blew by us rustling at the trees in my view. Somehow the thought of beautiful leaves pulled at my brain. I dismissed it only to notice Eriol had sat up and was leaning towards me.
"Ready to go? This time of day is best for the special place I want to take you."
I nodded excitedly and he stood up grabbing my hand as if to lead me on the way.
"It's about an hour from here so we have a few choices. We can go by bus, by cab or ride in style."
I grew curious as to what style was.
"Good choice." he said.
By the time I knew it were were zipping through the streets on the motorcycle he rented. I was anxious to know where it was we were heading to.
My question was answered as we ended up in a national park. Eriol led me by hand through the woods. The leaves on the trees danced in the wind and the more we walked the more excited I became. He stopped suddenly at the foot of a cliff, pointing to the top.
"Up there." he said.
My head began to spin. "This looks so..so.."
He turned towards me. "Something wrong?" he asked a bit worried.
I smiled at him. "Nothing, it just looks a little dangerous."
He gave me a quick kiss and then winked. "Not if we use magic to get up there."
A magic circle appeared below us and I found myself floating with him hand in hand. The rocks flew by us as we continued ascending. An unsteady one fell past us and my head panged as it clicked towards the ground. We finally landed at the top. Eriol wound his arms around me from behind.
"Look.." he said.
Before us appeared a sea of trees, all swaying and whispering in the wind beneath us. The mountains towered in the distance. The sun gave everything a radiant glow.
"It's beautiful Eriol, I'm glad you showed me this." I said taking a few small steps out on a ledge to see better.
A little rock slipped from under me tumbling down the cliff.
"Be careful Syaoran, don't get too close to that edge, I wouldn't want you to fall."
His words clicked in my head. It was true something didn't seem right. In fact the last time I was here the sun was setting and the sky was red with the slight hint of stars beginning to show and..and.. Suddenly it all came back to me in a rush. A million images piled up in my head. Words, events, people, places. That's right. I had been here! With Sakura. I looked back at the smiling Eriol and I nearly broke into tears. He noticed my reaction and came quickly to embrace me but I pushed him back.
"Syaoran..?" he asked.
"Eriol..I remember." I mumbled. "I remember everything."
He stepped back in shock. "Are you sure?" his voice quivering.
I nodded. "This is where I had my accident. I was with Sakura and I was being stupid jumping on the rocks and..oh god.." my hands instinctively covered my face. "What have I done?! Sakura!"
Eriol's face dropped and his gaze fell to the floor as his fists balled up beside him.
"Eriol! You knew..you took advantage of the situation didn't you!?" I began to freak out.
He didn't look up, "That's not true, you knew that Sakura was your girlfriend but you told me yourself it was irrelevant." he uttered.
"And you believed me!? Of COURSE I would say that. I didn't remember anything about her so how could I possibly feel anything towards her. You must have charmed me with something..I don't know. What was I thinking!? I threw away years with her over..over." I paused trying to find suitable words.
"Me?" he said.
I sighed threatening to break down. "I just..can't believe this."
Eriol suddenly advanced on me gripping my shoulders firmly. A determined yet saddened look in his eyes.
"Pull yourself together! There is still a chance for you Syaoran. It's not too late. We can find her, you can apologize and everything can go back to how it was. You can tell her what a huge mistake this was. Say whatever, but don't give up. I'm certain she still loves you. You can get her back!".
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Eriol.."
--Eriol's POV--
I had to be the bigger man. I knew all along the consequences of getting involved with him. I always had the doubt that if his memory came back he would naturally reject me. I was crying inside but I had to be strong for the boy who just threw away his most important person. I was guilty for everything. I took him, everything about him, when I knew all along he belonged to another. I guess it never really was meant to be and I realized that now. I could deal with this loss like I had so many times before. I could not keep what was not mine, no matter how much I wanted to. At least I can live with the memory that Syaoran Li loved me once..if only breifly. A new hope was lit in his eyes.
"Let's go get her." I smiled.
The ride back to town was nerve-wracking. Syaoran was hoping to catch Sakura in time and I was already mourning my loss. I kept telling myself to be strong, this is nothing new. We arrived at her house and Syaoran lept from the bike towards the gate. I waited parked on the street. He knocked on the door tapping his foot on the pavement impatiently. It was answered by Sakura's brother, Touya. They exchanged a few inaudible words. Syaoran hung his head for a moment. Then he talked to Touya for a while longer. He shrugged his shoulders and nodded. Syaoran came running back to the bike.
"Where is she?" I asked instinctively.
He leaned against the seat. "Touya told me that she packed up her bags and went up north to their small winter cottage for a while."
I placed my hand on my chin. "Do you know where it is?" I asked.
He turned to me in surprise. "Eriol it takes a while to get up there. I will just have to wait untill she gets back." he sighed.
"It might be too late." I told him, "If you really love her, it's now or never."
He flinched caught off guard for a moment by my words. I checked my watch, "It's early afternoon, will we make it there by nightfall?' I asked.
He turned to me. "It depends on how fast you drive. We might even get there earlier."
I motioned to the seat behind me. "Then hang on tight."
We drove like mad-men. Syaoran pointing the way and screaming the directions in my ear, over the noise of the road. I knew I was doing the right thing, for him, but I couldn't help feeling a little jealous, a little selfish. The fact I was the one taking him to her. Like sands in an hour-glass my time with him was running out, the faster we sped, the closer we got. The least I could do was enjoy the feeling of having his arms wrapped around my waist from behind as he clung to me on the bike. It was as close as I would ever get to feeling him like that again, as close to me like we were last night. I surpressed the urge to cry, but I'm sure that even if I did, the wind would readily dry my tears at the speed we were going. Syaoran probably wouldn't even notice. His mind was focused on only one thing: retreiving the life he lost. I was focused on letting go of the life I always wanted.
But this was all my fault and I wasn't about to prevent something that was beyond me. Still there was a guilty hope that we would never reach her place. That a road block would force us to turn back and that she would forget all about him and give him up to me. Or maybe, that he would confess his true hidden feelings for me at some rest stop and we would live happily ever after. Or perhaps..
I glanced at the area around me. The two-laned highway we were on jutting out from the cliffs above us. The forests and mountains of the north approaching us in the distance. The seemingly endless valley below us on my left with a single flimsy railing to seperate us from the fall. It crossed my mind for a split second, as my jealousy sparked, that if I couldn't have him noone could. The thought of my bike going over that edge and the two of us falling to our doom in a tight embrace to spend eternity together forever, flashed before my eyes. Had all my righteous virtues finally faded away? Was I really selfish enough to take both our lives as long as he belonged to noone? Was I really this desperate to claim something that was never really mine? I suddenly felt the wet warmth trickling from eyes. My face burning. I realized I was finally crying, a reaction to the horrible things I had been pondering. Things I never thought I was capable of imagining, and it made me mad that my mind had come to this. And I was also crying because I realized that as a powerful magician I was still helpless to do anything involving the matters of the heart. Sure I could wipe his memory, sure I could force him to be with me, but what kind of love would that be? What kind of world would it be if he never gave me a genuine smile again.
My thoughts went back to Tomoyo. I wondered if she had felt the same thing I did when she was faced with giving up the person she loved. I was amazed at how incredibly strong my friend was and ashamed that I was so weak. That I could not be more like her. Maybe it wasn't too late, maybe I could take her way and just be happy to see my love happy. Tomoyo had just silently and unknowingly taught me a valuable lesson. My tears stopped and I regained my composure. There was no use feeling sorry for myself now, the most important thing was to see Syaoran happy. The wind quickly wiped my face clean and blew on my cheeks tenderly to calm their burning. I noticed one of Syaoran's hands left it's position around my waist. From the corner of my eye I could see him wipe away at his cheek. He looked curiously at his hand.
"Eriol..?" he began to question, but I interrupted him not letting him finish what I knew he would say.
"Damn bugs.." I reassured him.
~*~
The sun began to set and the sky was painted a crimson color, accented by vividly purple clouds. The scenery had also changed as I found ourselves surrounded by endless trees on both sides. The road was a single dirt lane now, which was ok since we were not in some big car or anything. Leaves scattered the ground as we flew by and in the near distance a smoking chimney could be seen. We had arrived. Syaoran's head naturally raised itself over my shoulder as he took in his surroundings.
"Just up ahead Eriol," he said as if I couldn't tell.
His grip around my waist loosened as the bike began to slow down. I couldn't help but feel him slipping farther away from me already.
It hurt..badly.
Before time we had come to a full stop. Neither of us moved for a moment. I wasn't sure what he was thinking, I dared not to explore in his head any. The only thing left now was to say goodbye. I just wasn't sure exactly how to do that fearing that if I spoke the tears would threaten to return. I suppose our mutual silence said everything.
"Thank you for the ride, Eriol, I couldn't have done this without you." he mumbled cautiously.
I only nodded. He sighed finally stepping off the bike. I gripped the handle bars tightly as if to stop from throwing myself at him and begging him not to go. I knew it had to be left alone. He walked up to the door, poised and ready to knock.
I couldn't help myself.
"Syaoran!" I exclaimed.
He should go knowing what I felt for him. He turned, his expression set.
"I...I.." the words stuck in my throat.
I wanted so desperately to tell him everything, but the small voice in the back of my mind kept yelling 'don't interfere..don't interfere'. I smiled..
"I just, wanted to say..goodbye." I whispered, letting the breeze steal my words.
His face grew soft and he nodded. "Thank you."
I took in the last time I would see his amber eyes, and his true smile. It was enough for me. He turned towards the door again pumping his hands nervously as he prepared to knock. He was probably thinking of what exactly he would say to Sakura. His arm raised up towards the door, ready to knock. My heavy heart did not want to deal with having to see them together right now, so I swept my bike around ready to race off as fast as possible. I revved up the engine and gripped the handle bars. One of my feet shakingly left the ground and took it place on the pedal. The other hesitated to move.
Suddenly I caught movement from the corner of my eye. I turned quickly only to catch his arm slowly inching down from the door's surface. His body seemed to slump against it as his face fell towards the floor. I quickly dismounted. He turned suddenly, his face still downcast. I could not imagine what was wrong and I held back the urge to run to his side and support him. Was he really that nervous?
"Eriol.." he whispered, his voice shaky. "Remember, yesterday.when we were together."
I inched towards him slightly trying to get a better grip on his words.
"Yes.." I replied, "everything.".
His face lifted and his eyes were large, glossy; adorning his flushed expression.
"Remember when I kissed you and I told you I had wanted to do that for a long time?"
I nodded.
"At the time we never got into that discussion, focusing only on the moment. That was my fault but.." he balled his fists tightly, "..but I didn't lie." he stammered nearly choking on his own words.
"Syaoran..what are you trying to say?" I asked approaching even closer.
He looked away.
"I, I was debating with it on the way up here. Trying to figure out exactly why it was I had said that. Why I had felt the need to say those things, at the time, when my memory was non-existant. And now that I have it back..why those words were still haunting me. It took me all this time, right up untill I faced this very door, that it dawned on me." his body shook slightly as our eyes finally locked.
I swallowed hard trying to pass the lump in my throat.
"My memories lie with Sakura.." he said.
I sighed.
"But.."
I flinched, there was more?
"But my heart remains with you."
I stepped back unbelieving of what I had just heard. Was this is all some illusion I had conjured up mentally to protect myself from my loss? Was this all just some big joke, a dream?
"What do you mean?" I questioned curious to affirm my speculation.
"I mean what I meant, And I meant that I loved you. I always have. It took removing my life with Sakura to realize something I had hidden for so long. Feelings for someone I denied to admit."
My legs spawned a mind of their own and I was instantly in front of him gazing at his blushing face only inches away.
"Since when Syaoran?" I whispered.
"Since childhood." he responded his lips suddenly on mine, his arms wound around my neck.
My body felt heavy and helpless, unable to respond to the situation in complete shock. It took a minute to register what was happening, everything had moved so fast. One minute my heart had been broken to peices, the next it was being tied together with his hands; and only after I felt him wiping away at my tears did I realize what had happened.
"But Syaoran..are you sure? is this what you want? Is this how things should be? I stole so much from you already, are you willing to let go of everything you knew as true?" I clung to him desperately, fearing that if I did not I would wake from my lovely dream.
He nodded and smiled, "My life began when I was held in your arms last night. I am sure of it now."
I fell to my knees, my arms wound tightly about his torso. He led a gentle brush of his fingers through my hair, calming my trembling body.
"I almost lost you to someone else just now Syaoran, and if only you knew the things that went through my head. It was torture..the single most painful experience of my life."
He knelt in front of me, holding my face in his hands.
"I know, when you truly love someone, it is the only way you could possibly feel. That's how I knew I loved you." he motioned towards the door.
"When I thought of the consequences of knocking on that door, when I pictured myself without you..I went through the same thing and I knew it was you I wanted to be with. It was only the thought of you that drove me crazy and to lose you would have meant living in the uncertianty of 'what if' with someone else. I didn't want that. In the short amount of time we spent together I realized just how much time I had let go by, just how much more I wanted to know you. Eriol, I promise I will never do something like this to you again, ever." he said tears welling up in his eyes.
"Syaoran.."
He picked me up off the floor.
"Let's go home.." he smiled wiping his face.
I nodded, there was no place I would rather be right now and noone I would rather go with, than my little wolf.
I embraced him digging my face into his hair, "Happy Birthday Syaoran.." I whispered as my arms hung on a little tighter, and so did his.
--Sakura's POV--
The glow of the card in my grasp began to fade and I closed my hands tightly over it. Tomoyo placed a hand on my shoulder and I turned to her. Her face was littered with anxiety and conern for me, I could tell. I turned back to the window watching as Syaoran and Eriol embraced each other, spilling their tears on one another's shoulder; and I felt like crying along with them.
"Are you ok with all of this?" she asked timidly, worry lacing the tone of her voice.
I traced my finger over the face of the card named Truth.
"I had to know..I needed to know the truth in Syaoran's heart before I could think of accepting him again. It was now or never." I murmured to her peeling my gaze from the window.
I didn't have to see to know they were leaving by the sound of the bike's engine.
"I just gave up something that never belonged to me I suppose." I told her.
She smiled trying her best to comfort me. "You really are a strong person Sakura-chan, someday you will find the person who loves you most."
I smiled remembering Yukito had once told me the same thing and I knew she was right. I knew all along within me that my fickle heart was destined for someone special and even in Syaoran's arms I had never truly been sure if it was him. Sometimes I wondered if I had only accepted him because I had lost Yukito.
There were times in the beginning when it seemed like he was a rebound, someone to cling onto to when I was feeling lonely. I thought back to my younger days. I remembered not being able to answer him when he had confessed to me at first, confused between what I wanted and what was right. I had been pondering in my head if I could really learn to love him. In time we did learn to be comfortable with each other and my mind decided to associate that with love. It wasn't until now, that he was no longer with me that I realized all these things. Seeing his true feelings, and knowing they belonged with Eriol, could have only led me to believe that he had been harboring those forbidden sentiments for a very long time. Had he only confessed to me in the first place to escape his love for Eriol? Someone he probably felt was unreachable? Or was it maybe because he felt loving him was wrong at the time so he turned to me to anchor him? After all he had lost all hope of ever being with Yukito after the things Yue told him about searching his heart; he probably figured someone like Eriol would have rejected him as well. Perhaps it was all those reasons..perhaps we were both better off now.
"Are they gone now?"
My attention turned to Meiling who was standing by the doorway a sad expression on her own face.
"Yes.." I told her.
She gave me an authentically gentle smile as she walked up beside me. "Are you ok Sakura?" she asked.
I smiled
"Yes, are you?" I responded.
She nodded, "I knew it all along didn't I? It's not the first time I've lost him, but perhaps it is the last.. finally."
We had made our peace earlier today finding comfort in the mutual feeling of having given up something dear, something we both experienced. It took forever for me to acknowledge that her pain was probably greater than mine. The only thing I wondered about now was Tomoyo's stake in all this. She still held a mournful look on her own face and I wasn't sure why. Yet she always went out of her way to comfort me when I needed it. I was glad to have such a wonderful friend and I only hoped I could find what it was that made her happy, so I could give it to her always. For tonight Meiling and I would cry on her lap, but I wasn't so sure if it was for the sadness of loss or the happiness of freedom and undersanding; looking forward to a life without lies, yet full of truth and love.
~ Owari