authors note: this was written in response to a conversation on one of my MLs. The subject matter is somewhat disturbing. It is angst, but there is no rape, no death or anything of that sort. NemKess
Sins Unknown
written by NemKess
warnings: some of this is disturbing; shonen ai
Catherine hummed under her breath as she put the finishing touches on the birthday cake. Trowa had recently confided that he had no clue when his birthday was or how old he really was so she'd decided to take matters into her own hands. Everyone needed to have a birthday. And she hadn't been able to have a party for anyone she'd loved since her parents and her brother Triton had died.
"Catherine?"
She jumped and nearly crushed the cake as Quatra's voice sounded directly behind her. She put a hand to her chest in an effort to calm her heart before turning to face the apologetic young man. "Qu.. Quatra.!"
"I'm sorry, Catherine. I thought you heard me come in." She waved her hand, and gestured for him to sit. "Oh, no thank you. I won't be staying long. I just wanted to drop this off for Trowa and to have a word with you."
Cathy was a little wary as she braced one hip against the counter and watched Quatra struggle for his words. It hadn't been that long ago that the two had been rivals for the affection's of a certain silent clown and though he'd chosen her in the end, she knew that Quatra's feelings were as strong now as they had been then.
The golden brow of her guest wrinkled before smoothing back into a placid, unthreatening mask. "I just wanted you to know that there's no hard feelings. Trowa's happiness is all that really matters to me and if you're the one that can give him that, then I'm glad." A sad, somewhat sardonic smile settled on his lips. "Not as glad as I would have been if it had been me, but that's all water under the bridge, as Duo would say." He handed her the small gift in he'd been holding and turned to leave. At the threshold he looked back at her. "Take care of him. If you don't, I'll be upset and even I don't like me when I'm upset."
She just nodded mutely and watched him leave. Sympathy welled up in her heart. She wasn't as much of a bitch as some of the other pilots, namely Duo, had decided she was. She hadn't wanted Quatra to be hurt. She just couldn't help it if they both fell in love with the same guy.
"Cathy?" Trowa's voice broke her reverie.
"Don't come in here yet Trowa!" she called out pushing the cake and the present up into a shelf. The party she'd planned wasn't for another hour or so and she didn't want him to see it.
"Cathy? Was that Quatra I just saw leaving?" Was it her imagination or did he seem wistful? Forcibly shoving her jealousy back to the corner of her mind, she bounced over and opened the door.
"Yup! He was um.. He just said he was leaving the area, that's all." Her fingers crossed behind her back and she leaned out the door to wrap an arm around his neck. "Coming in?" she asked huskily as she nuzzled his neck.
Quatra and everything else was quickly forgotten.
Life was good, Cathy decided. Well, besides the fact that all of Trowa's non-circus friends hated her guts. That much had been painfully obvious at the party they'd had earlier. She frowned and snuggled up closer to her lover.
Had they all decided that Quatra was the only person good enough for their friend? Or maybe it was just her they didn't like. Either way, she knew without a doubt that they would never forgive her for the unpardonable sin of keeping the two apart. Even the vice-Foreign Minister, who'd come with Yuy and was rumored to be a very nice person, had barely been frostily polite.
"Cathy? Is something the matter?" She smiled and shifted to rest her chin on her hands so that she could look at his face.
"Nothings wrong, Trowa. I was just thinking, that's all."
"I'm sorry about how everyone treated you. I didn't realize they were all so resentful."
She reached up and smoothed back his hair with one hand so she could see both eyes. "Don't worry about it. It's to be expected. Quatra is their friend, I'm just an outsider that butted my way in."
He just sighed and nodded his head sadly. "I suppose. I can't say it doesn't bother me though. I guess it was too much to ask for, but I really wanted my friends to like you. I-"
She smiled and put her hand over his lips. "It doesn't matter, Trowa. All that counts is that you like me."
He kissed her fingertips lightly and smiled back. "Well, that's a given," he stated as he pulled her close.
They lay in silence for a few more minutes before Cathy asked the question that had really been bugging her all night. "What was in Quatra's gift? You seemed awfully choked up."
Trowa was silent for a long moment and she wasn't sure he'd heard her. She was about to ask again when he rolled over and got out of the bed.
"Trowa?" Afraid she'd pushed too far, she sat up and watched as he went over to a bag and rifled through it, looking for something.
He took out something that looked like an old photo frame from her position on the bed. Kneeling there, he ran reverent fingers over the surface for a moment. Catherine couldn't' help the surge of jealousy that rose in her again. Would their entire life be like this, she wondered. Would she always be worrying that he would change his mind and go to the sweet blonde?
When he stood and walked back over to drop the picture in her lap, she just stared at him.
"I left that at Quatra's at some point. I'm not really sure when. He always said it made him feel like I was nearby. By giving it back, he was saying he acknowledged that anything we might have had was over. It's the only thing I have of the past I can't remember." At that, she finally looked down at the faces staring up at her. Her eyes widened and she put a hand over her mouth as her stomach churned threateningly.
"Who is this?"
"According to one of the older mercs who found me, that's me and I assume my father. He said they found it near me. Down the road there was a burnt out wagon with a dead man and woman in it. He said that the little boy was definitely me and that he thought the man was the same one that was in the wagon. The bodies were burned pretty bad, but apparently the likeness was close. I don't know. I wasn't much older than that when it happened, so I don't remember."
Dropping the picture frame, Cathy just stared blankly.
I knew it was too good to be true, she thought vaguely. Her entire life had been like that. The second things started going her way, something always happened. Something or someone always snatched her happiness away. She smiled bitterly. And to think I was worried about Quatra.
"Cathy? Cathy what's wrong?" She jerked away from his touch and threw on her robe.
She completely ignored his worried inquiries as she shoved past him and out of their trailer.
She was running without any thought to where she was going or what she was doing.
Faster and faster, her only thought to get as far away from that picture as she could.
She wasn't sure how far she'd ran when she stopped and found herself in front of an old looking Catholic church. She gave no thought to the fact that she wasn't Catholic, or even all that religious at all, before she dashed in. In the back of her mind she could hear her mother's soft voice explaining that some people found comfort in such places. Comfort was definitely what she needed now.
She managed to stumble up to the altar before she collapsed underneath Mary's outstretched arms and began to sob. It wasn't fair.
"What is wrong my child?" Wild tear drenched eyes flew up to meet those of an elderly priest.
Maybe it was his kind eyes, or maybe she just really needed to know, but she couldn't stop the question. "Is it a sin if you didn't know you were doing something wrong?"
If the priest was surprised by her abrupt question, he didn't show it. He just smiled softly and helped her up and over to a pew. For a long moment, stared up at the statue of Mary as if she would answer for him. With a sigh, he turned back to her. "God is just. If there was no malice or evil intent in your heart, then I believe he will not deal harshly with you."
With a last pat on her hand, he stood slowly and left her there to mull over his words.
Although her sobs were gone, she still felt broken inside.
Images flashed through her mind. Trowa standing resolute while she threw daggers at him. Trowa talking softly to the lions. Trowa asleep and content after a night of shared passion. Trowa smiling sweetly when she presented him with his birthday cake. Trowa lost and alone in the rain. Trowa.... Trowa.... Triton...
The End?? Who knows??