Author: Zierra
Disclaimer: I wish……
Story: Just something my weird mind came up with. Just for the record:
this is how I see the characters, so don't kill me….
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I've been bribed, I've been begged, and now it's FINALLY here. I hope it can stand up to your expectations. *nervous*
I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciated everyone's comments!! *hugs everyone that reviewed.*
But, As I've said, it's not really finished yet…. One more chapter after this…. *huge smile*….. 'K, 'K, I'm gonna stop…. HERE IT GOES!!!!!!!!!!
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CONFESSION OF THE TIGER
" What you see, is what you get." Isn't that what they say? That used to be me in a nutshell. I said what I thought, and had no secrets. Everyone knew everything about me. It's another meaning to that statement to. When I fight, I have no weapon, beside my own body. If they see a all muscle, short blonde, that what they'll get. " What they see….. Is what the bastards get…."
I have a reputation around Garden that I'm whiney and immature. I'd like to talk to the fuck that started that rumour. For some reason, students and SeeDs around Garden has a strange ability to piss me off on frequent occasions. Yes, I use my fists, but no one complains when Squall draws Lionhart or Seifer unsheathes his Hyperion. So, why can they, but not me? I'm only using my weapon as well.
Cid took me in to his office a few days ago, yelling at me for a while, before getting to the point. (He is rather slow in that area. Sometimes it can take him an hour to say what I could have fitted into a minute.)
He told me that I was more lethal then both Squall and Seifer together. Sure, it's nice having people telling you that, but, that's not true. What can I do that Squall and Seifer can't do with their Gunblades? Just asking.
I have another reputation, but that's among the girls. Yes, sure, Irvine is the one with the talent among the babes, but, can he really do the things that I can? I mean, not many guys can flex into the positions I can……
I said before that "It used to be me"…. You probably wonder what the hell I meant by that. It's really simple actually. I now have a few things hidden from my friends. And then I don't mean these small secrets like I have once colored my hair green, or that I was the one that cut lose that crazy dog and let it run free through Garden. Everyone already know I did that. The secrets I talk about is those involving your heart. Your soul. The core that makes you. Those kind… The worst kind.
I keep "it" locked in somewhere, afraid of getting to near the bars, maybe the monster inside will grab me with it's longs, razor sharp claws, and pull me into his dark, lonely cage. That's how I see my secret. As a monster. Although, maybe you should say that the monster is in a closet, and that I need to get out of it…. You see where I'm going with this?
My problem, which in itself isn't a problem only that I've made it one, has distanced me from most of my friends. The only one I really talk (although I've never actually told her, just hinted) to is Selphie, but I'm not sure she really understands. I also used to think that Squall was a friend. But lately he's been avoiding me, barley talking to me. I mean, sure, he wasn't the most verbal guy I know, but please, a "Hello" isn't gonna rip his intestines out. When he sees me, he gives me a weird look, turns away, and never looks at me again. A shame really. He has beautiful eyes… Who am I kidding? It's not just his eyes that's beautiful, all of him is… Enough said for now, otherwise I'm gonna
ramble about what's so special with him,
Seifer.
He's never been a friend of mine. Teases me until I can't stand it, hits me as often as he has a chance, and when alone in a room…. Hell, he might as well be in it alone. But still, I torture myself, constantly, by trying SO HARD to get his attention. I don't want his evil attention, bruises I get enough while training. I want him to want me. Even if the asshole is gay (an idea I've found rather likely, considering his past references with girlfriends = None) why would he want me? Sure, I think I look rather decent, though I could use some longer legs… I can't see myself, when I'm being a realist, being with Seifer. No, wait, that I can see, but I can't see Seifer with me. I mean, he's the tallest guy in Garden. Has a personality similar to a tree, rough and unreachable. And ever seen Seifer display any other feeling than spitefulness and rage? I sure haven't. OK, opposites attract, but they sure hell doesn't work together. And, another thing that spoils my chances with Mr I-Have-Something-Sharp-Up-My-Ass and Mr Does-It-Look-Like-I-Care? Is that they see me as a child. I can't help the fact that my genes made me shorter, can I? Can I help that I have a vertex in my hair, so that I need to spike my hair, not to look even more ridiculous? No, I can't! So if my purpose in life is to be seen like a baby with them, without any skills and value, I guess I have to deal with that. I hate it, but that's the way it's gotta be, I guess.
That's another problem of mine. I settle for so little.
What kind of life is that? Can I ever find true happiness? So far, the only thing that's made me really happy, is being a SeeD. Missions, training, the adventures. Well, it's not the glamorous life everyone seems to imagine. The pay isn't THAT good, and the dorms get boring after a while, and, there's a large possibility that you'll get your ass killed. And who's the fucking genius who introduced the curfew?! Life doesn't start until after 1o pm. But those old, impotent, blind fucks that rule Garden, probably don't realize that. They should get laid, then maybe their minds wouldn't be so clouded. Okay, I sidetracked a bit. I meant to emphasise that it's not glamorous, but it's a life, and a rather good one too….. (If you can't cope with all the rules, all the millions of rules….)
On occasion I imagine myself doing something really heroic and admirable, so that Squall or Seifer may notice me for something other than a child. I've tried to do the same in real life, but if I against all odds were to do something of sort, they don't give a
fuck. None of them. But usually it goes like this: I screw up, and Squall have to drag my sorry ass out of trouble. Inevitable I guess, for a hot-head like me.
All I've said until now, is enough to kill an elephant with one blow. But, it's not all…
You see, I have a girlfriend named Leila. She's nice and all, and there was a time when I honestly was in love with her, but she's recently walked out of my league. She deserves someone who will give her his everything, and I don't do that. Unfortunately I fear she's in love with me for real. She loves me. I can't hurt her by just dumping her for no reason (because I'm not gonna lie to her.) I never lie to anyone, except myself. And I don't hurt no one but myself. But I just can't tell her that " Honey, I want to break up. It's not you, it's me. I'm gay!" How do you think she's gonna take that?
She'd kill me, undoubtedly.
The fact of the matter is, that I'm killing myself. I'm creating an unbearable situation for me, something that is bound to break and everything is gonna crash down on me, finishing me of for good.
I'll tell you all: Secrets is like acid, eating a hole through your heart. Remember that before telling your next lie.
" A lie is always a lie, a lack of truth, a lack of courage."
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DEDICATED TO: DARKSQUALL ( Mission accomplished, where's my fic??? *smiles*), RASLON (the one and only…=o), K.N.W (for very honest, but sometimes confusing, but none the less appreciated, comments), Marin2x1 (for being such a damn good reviewer), Innocent (the candy was great! More next time….?) Hikari Shadokijo (for being such a inspiring monkey…. =o) and to XIneko (Thank you, I think…. And for the record: I'm NOT a homophobe, and I agree, we're all bisexual!)
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# Not as long as I wanted it to be, but I risked repeating myself, so I stopped. I'm sorry, I couldn't get out of the Seifer-Squall-Zell-threesome, I just love it!
# Ah, the plot thickens…. What's gonna happen? Who's gonna get who? Most votes win…. Whatever pairing…. (maybe….)
# I have one request, and one alone: REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
// Zierra