This is basically Auron's train of thought
after you pass Yunalesca and get the air
ship. Spoilers, read after you get airship
or at your own risk.
It may seemed disorganized at first, but
it's meant to be that way. It's his thinkin'
and stuffs.
______________________________________________
I took another drink, gulping this time.. Swinging the jug down from my lips.. I slipped my free arm from the confines of my coat; where it was usually in that sling fashion and wiped my lips with the back of my hand.. I was getting progressively weary, and my reactions sluggish, as I had downed much of such a massive container.
And once again I slipped away into my past.
Where was I..? Ah, yes..
I remember the first time I stood outside the stadium. I felt the urge to turn back, to keep Braska and Jecht from continuing. I knew the impending doom, the fate my friend faced. Little did I know, that a guardian must sacrifice their own life, too. And now, I regret having not taken Jecht's place.. I found a way to his Zanarkand. If I had died.. If I had became the fayth, maybe he could've gone home.. Instead, he died. For my own selfish believes that I could actually make a difference.
I was young. It was a fault of my youth..
Atleast.. That's what I keep telling myself.
When I stood outside on my second pilgrimage, my resolve faded once again.. My composition threatened to falter under the circumstances. Up until that point, I had so solemnly pressed on Yuna's pilgrimage under all circumstances. I knew what would become of her, if she chose to allow it. I knew that she respects my choices, but in the end if she had chosen to die for the faith of Yevon, then I could not have stopped her.. I could not have swayed her.. If that were to happen, I could only watch as Braska's flesh and blood was once again used as a false beacon of hope. A sacrificial child to quell the pain and suffering of Spira and it's peoples.
When we entered.. I was haunted by the familiar atmosphere.. Along with the fact that more than what I wanted the group to know about me was revealed to them against my own will. The pyreflies which displayed my past to them, forcing me to recall the pain of my last fleeting moments of youth.. My last moments of life.
I'm nothing but a shadow of the man I was before. I was proud back then. I was.. I was handsome. Now look at me..
Idly, I shifted in my seated position as I placed the jug to my side. My eyelid progressively drooping against my will to stay awake. I dug into the recess of my vestment, deep into my pocketed coat to withdraw a simple gem. One of the few items Rikku usually equipped, but that I had never gotten around to giving her after recovering it from a fiend.
In it, I saw myself. Gem in my bare hand, I raised my gloved palm to unlatch the leather straps of my collar, yanking it down so that it rested on my clavicle. The multitude of cuts and lateral sides of the gem reflected my visage. Unshaven, scarred, only one good eye.. The deep frownlines which creased my skin. I was nothing like that in my youth. Now, I had become a bitter old man.. Living through his death within a false family; composed of the children of my two dead best friends and their traveling troop.
Ah.. Back to Zanarkand.. Near the dome..
Even in my death, my second pilgrimage.. I couldn't escape the images of my past.
I remember the events that plagued my life as a youth, and came back in scenes to torture me in my death.. The reenactments of my trek through the Zanarkand dome, as portrayed by pyreflies.
Those transparent scenes displayed before the group and myself.. Scenes of us three, Braska, Jecht and I, running through the dead and desolate pathways towards the final Cloister of Trials. How strong willed, how hopeful I was. I believed I could make a difference.
It didn't take long before Yuna gained entry to the fayth. I surpressed my trembling, because I knew what the other's didn't.. What Yuna was soon to announce.. The fayth was nothing more than the empty, soulless remains of Lord Zaon's fayth. Nothing more than an extravagant rock.
We.. Were almost there..
About now, my eyes had drooped completely shut.. My jug, if not empty, was very well near empty.. No longer could I fend off the sleep that surreptitiously drug me into my subconscious.. My thoughts.. To be carried on in my nightmares.
Even in my sleep I couldn't escape..
"Sir Auron, you knew this would happen, didn't you?"
Some question to that effect, and I only nodded. Eventually, we were to find the answer to this empty fayth.. How to attain the final summoning; I however, already knew. Guided by the long unsent ghost of the old man, we were drawn towards the extravagant chambers which Lady Yunalesca was soon to 'grace' us with her presence.
She spoke the words I dreaded to hear; ever since they first fell upon me, those ten long years ago.. That a guardian must be sacrificed to become the fayth of the final summoning.. That not only Braska would die, but either myself, or Jecht. I had to eventually accept their deaths, their vain sacrifices.. The loss of Braska and Jecht.. Though, had Jecht not been there.. Would I have volunteered myself for Braska? Despite my lack of willingness? .. And after searching deep into my soul, my beliefs, my heart.. No. If I were the only guardian, then Braska would be unable to summon the final aeon without my part.
I know he lived to die for Spira.. And I lived to die for him.. Though never, never if it were in my own hands, would I have let him sacrifice himself. It may seem selfish, and maybe it is, but despite his own desire to replenish Spira's hope; the temporary life of a man like Braska was worth more than a few year's relief from a eternal demon like Sin.
Would Yuna feel the same as I?
It was then.. That point where everybody had just heard Yunalesca explain the sacrifices necessary. Everybody was in shock, and though I hate to admit.. I was worried. Was Yuna so blindly devoted to Spira that she would knowingly give her life for false hope without knowing it? Would the others stop her? Obviously, many would sacrifice themselves and become the aeon.. Though would Yuna realize the fault of Yevon's teachings, unlike her father did?
It was then, that to the horror of my one good eye, I viewed the reenactment of my youth. How Jecht had boldly accepted the role of the fayth.. And how I, I protested in my vain vision of hope.. That he could go back to his Zanarkand.. That it shouldn't end this way..
My hope sickened me.
And for the eyes of my companions, Braska and Jecht disappeared up the stairway.. And I.. I collapsed, grief stricken, in tears. My first reaction, an impulse which swept my body was to draw that massive blade of mine, and thrash at the image of myself; which soon dissipated into pyreflies.
As we ascended up the staircase, the next moments were a blurr. My thoughts too overwhemled with emotions to be clearly recalled; with the exception of the thoughts of my past which constantly plagued my life.
Yunalesca..
I closed my mind off once I saw that vixen again; ignoring my surroundings to drown out the overwhelming pain which threatened to pull me into it's grasp. It was then, my russet eye shot open, to catch a glimpse of the youthful me.. A foolish man going up against a beacon of hope.
"Where is the sense in all this? Braska believed in Yevon's teachings and died for them! Jecht believed in Braska and gave his life for him!"
My heart must've frozen at that moment, if it still really beat. Yunalesca made her reply, calm and cool as ever.. But I.. No, my foolish image.. The reflection of my past self.. He.. He charged her in that blind rage I knew all too well.
..And was struck back, flung lifelessly across the floor.. I lived long enough to regret my actions before I hit the ground..
Did they know now? Did they know now the truth behind me? That I was only a shadow of a hopeful man, out to get my revenge for what Yevon has done for me? That my selfish wishes, my need to justify my death is what keeps me an unsent?
No.
That's not really me.
Is it?
"Yeehaw! Here we go!"
That raspy voice pierced through the nightmares and thoughts which plauged my subconscious. Cid had said that plenty of times, but now.. I knew it was different. We..
Were going to face Sin.. It's almost over.. Jecht, I'm coming for you.. Your freedom.. My release, oh how I await it. I sluggishly lifted myself back against the wall; my head beating with a headache.. It was either my tired state, or the alcohol.. Either way, I'd need to recover soon enough, Sin was iminent.
I lifted my palm to brush back a few unruly wisps of sterling hue.. My face was wet.. I must've broken into a sweat from my dream.
No.. I was crying.
- - -
Fin