Title: Kidnappings and Card Tricks
Rating: PG (for mild language)
Summary: When Archer, Hoshi, and Reed are kidnapped, it's all up to T'Pol to save the day because you know Trip and Mayweather won't help!
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine; they belong to Paramount. I just like to make fun of them. Feedback is *greatly* appreciated!
Setting: Archer's ready room. Archer is at his desk, fumbling with a deck of cards.
ARCHER: [whips out a card] Is *this* your card? [shows a bored Porthos, who is sitting on the floor beside him] Huh? Was that your card, boy? Was that Porthy-Worthy's card? [the intercom beeps]
T'POL: Captain, can I speak with you?
ARCHER: I dunno, can you? [slaps his knee]
T'POL: [silent]
ARCHER: [sputters with laughter] I'm just fooling with you, 'Poley, c'mon in!
T'POL: [enters the room] 'Poley?
ARCHER: [busy watching Porthos sniff the floor] Huh?
T'POL: Did you refer to me as 'Poley?
ARCHER: Yes I did. [stands up and begins pacing solemnly] I thought that by giving you a nickname, a common human practice, you might feel more of a part of the crew and – eh, screw that touchy-feely bull poopy! [claps hands joyfully] I just wanted to call you 'Poley! [bounces over to an unamused T'Pol] 'Kay, 'Poley?
T'POL: [coughs a cough that sounds suspiciously like 'imbecile'] Are you finished?
ARCHER: Almost. [squeals] 'Poley, 'Poley, 'Poley! [clears throat] 'Kay, I'm done. [returns to his seat] 'Sup?
T'POL: Scans have shown an alien vessel approximately –
ARCHER: [whips out another card] Is *this* your card, Porthy?
T'POL: *Captain.*
ARCHER: [whiny] Wha-at?
T'POL: Please pay attention when I'm speaking to you. [Archer pouts] Scans have shown an unidentifiable alien vessel approaching our coordinates. It should reach us at 1300 hours.
ARCHER: Well…can't we just fly away? [T'Pol stares at him.] [louder] I said, can't we just fly away?
T'POL: Excuse me?
ARCHER: [cups his hands around his mouth] CAN'T WE JUST TURN THE DAMN SHIP AROUND AND GO THE OTHER WAY FOR A WHILE? [to Porthos] You'd think those ears would help her hear better. [snickers]
T'POL: Are we or are we not explorers? ["Dunno," shrugs Archer.] Our purpose is to see new things, meet new species, correct? Why would we want to "fly away"?
ARCHER: Well, when you put it like that…
T'POL: Besides, if we flew away whenever we encountered a new race, the episodes would be pretty damn boring, wouldn't they? Even more so than they already are. [puts hand over her mouth] Oh, did I say that out loud?
ARCHER: [slings arm around T'Pol's shoulder. T'Pol looks nauseated.] Let's go and meet the new aliens. After all, 'Poley, we *are* explorers! [T'Pol rolls her eyes]
[On the bridge, Reed is polishing his phase pistol and occasionally muttering "Bang-bang", Trip is admiring his hair in his console and chatting to Reed, Mayweather is in the captain's chair, and Hoshi is talking to someone on her little headset.]
HOSHI: [reclines in her chair, chomps on gum, and starts filing her nails] So I says to him, I says, if *that's* how you're gonna be, then…
TRIP: Malcolm, do you think I'd look good with highlights?
MAYWEATHER: [puffs up chest] I'm the captain! I'm in control of this vessel!
HOSHI: And then he says to me, he says…
REED: [to self] Bang-b-b-b-bang!
TRIP: [runs a hand through his hair and squints] I was thinkin' about blonde. D'ya think I'd look good with blonde highlights, Malcolm?
MAYWEATHER: [gruffly] Open a channel!
REED: Boom! Pow!
HOSHI: [giggles] I know…I know…I mean, *yeah*, you know? Yeah…I know…[squints at her fingers] Damn, I broke a nail!
TRIP:…but *then* I thought, [Reed rolls his eyes] Trip…when I'm thinkin to myself, I sometimes call myself by my name! Y'know? [giggles] Anyway, I thought, Trip, you don't wanna look cheap, do you? Go for the gold! Know what I mean?
REED: [mockingly] Oh, like, totally!
MAYWEATHER: Attaaaaack! [titters nervously] Aw, I'm just playin'.
HOSHI: [screams] No! Really? No! He *said* that? No!
REED: Bam! Bam-b-b-bam!
[Archer and T'Pol appear on the bridge. Reed puts away his phase pistol, Mayweather skitters to his seat, Trip takes one last look at his hair, and Hoshi whispers, "Gotta go. Kiss-kiss!" and swallows her gum.]
ARCHER: 'Poley has informed me ["'Poley?" asks Hoshi. "And I thought Ho-Ho was bad!"] that there is an [pauses dramatically] alien vessel approaching! [glares at Mayweather.]
ARCHER: An alien vessel –
MAYWEATHER: Dun-dun-dunnn!
ARCHER: Approaching us. [whispers to Mayweather] Good job, Travis.
HOSHI: [console beeps] Omigawd! Captain! That-that-that *thing!* On my panel…it *beeped!*
T'POL: [mutters, "Baby!"] "That thing", Ensign, is the alien vessel hailing us. We wasted so much time that they've already arrived.
ARCHER: [plops down in his chair] Open a – hey! [wiggles his butt around] Someone's been sitting in my chair! [Mayweather ducks his head guiltily] Open a – hey! [pushes a button on the arm of his chair. A little compartment pops open] Someone's been eating my salted peanuts! [Reed ducks his head guiltily] Open a – hey!
T'POL: Hoshi, open the freaking channel!
HOSHI: [tearfully] Ch-ch-channel open, sir.
[Everyone gazes at the screen, which is completely black.]
TRIP: [whispers] You're supposed to push the blue button, Hoshi.
HOSHI: I *know* what button to – oh. [pushes the blue button. The screen stays black.] Oh no! Captain, I broke it! I broke the viewscreen! [begins to sob]
T'POL: [walks over to Hoshi] Here. [reaches down her uniform top, pulls out a tissue, and hands it to Hoshi, who noisily blows her nose]
ARCHER: What's going on? Why can't we see anything? Trip?
TRIP: [busy pursing his lips at his reflection in his console] Huh? Oh. [coughs] Cap'n, have you been fiddling with the controls again?
[Before anyone can do anything, there is a bright flash of light, and Archer, Hoshi, and Malcolm are gone!]
TRIP: [looks around] What happened? Have I died? Am I in heaven? Don't get me wrong, Malcolm's a good guy, but Hoshi's too whiney, and Archer, well…[shrugs] 'nuff said, I think.
T'POL: We must get them back!
MAYWEATHER: Aw, really?
TRIP: Do we hafta?
T'POL: Yes, Commander, we [wrinkles nose] *hafta*.
TRIP: [huffy] Fine. But once they're back, don't declare that I didn't insinuate that we should forsake them. [Mayweather raises an eyebrow] What? [defensively] I got a word-a-day calendar!
[Meanwhile, on the alien ship…
There are thuds, bumps, and muffled curses. The small room is completely dark. Two people are crying.]
REED: Bloody hell…who all is here with me? [more sobs] Hoshi? Captain?
HOSHI: [sniffs] How'd you know?
ARCHER: Malcolm? Malcolm…[in a stage whisper] I'M A FRAID OF THE DARK, MALCOLM!
REED: Ah, here, I've got a lighter in my pocket. If we can see, maybe we can find a way out of here. [fumbles with lighter]
HOSHI: AAAAAAAHHH!
REED: What's wrong?
HOSHI: AAAAAAAHHH!
REED: [annoyed] What is it, you bloody baby?
ARCHER: [brightly] Look, Hoshi's on fire!
REED: Good Lord! Do something, then!
ARCHER: [annoyed] Why me?
REED: You're the bloody captain, aren't you? [Archer begins blowing on Hoshi's flaming hair] That won't work! [grabs a cup of water that's sitting beside him and throws it on Hoshi]
HOSHI: [feels head to make sure she still has hair] Where did you get that water, Malcolm?
REED: Hmm…it was just sitting there beside me…
ARCHER: It must be one of those fortunate coincidences that never, ever happen on our ship, huh?
REED: Guess so.
[Back on Enterprise…]
T'POL: Ensign! Commander! [tries to grab Mayweather as he runs by]
TRIP: Neaner-neaner-neaner, you can't catch me! [leaps over his console with a whoop]
MAYWEATHER: I can too! [blows a raspberry at Trip]
T'POL: [shouts] Will you *please* sit down? [Trip and Mayweather freeze]
MAYWEATHER: [whispers] The Vulcan lady's mad! [slinks back to his seat]
TRIP: We're sowwy. [tiptoes back to his station]
T'POL: [satisfied] That's better. [sits down]
WHOOPIE CUSHION: Pbbbbbbbbbbt!
TRIP and MAYWEATHER: YEAH! [laugh hysterically]
TRIP: Jeez T'Pol, you're as bad as Porthos! [snorts with laughter]
T'POL: [rolls eyes]
[On the alien ship, they've given up on the fire idea.]
HOSHI: I've got one…if you could spend half an hour in the decon chamber with anyone on Enterprise, who would it be?
REED: Hmm…I always thought Ensign Cutler was sort of cute.
ARCHER: [giggles stupidly] I'd pick 'Poley.
REED: Oh, I didn't think of her…with her cute little ears and her [begins salivating] *bum*! I change my mind.
ARCHER: Malcolm! No takesies-backsies!
REED: Who would you choose, Hoshi?
HOSHI: [blushes] Oh, I dunno.
REED: You do too! Look at her blush! Tell us, come on!
ARCHER: Oh Malcolm, don't pester her. If she doesn't want to tell…[whispers in Hoshi's ear] I'm flattered, really, but you're too young for me, baby.
HOSHI: But I – [Archer wiggles his eyebrows at her] Eww!
[On Enterprise…]
T'POL: Commander Tucker!
TRIP: [sitting in Mayweather's chair, with Mayweather leaning over his shoulder] Look T'Pol! I can make the ship go zoom! [pushes a button; everyone is thrown against the wall] Whoopsie-doodle! [shrugs] Even the *hottest* of us can make boo-boos.
T'POL: [to self] I can't take any more of this – I just felt my IQ drop ten points.
[T'Pol pinches Mayweather's neck. He collapses with a groan. Two unknown ensigns rush forward. T'Pol jumps, doing a split in midair, each heel connecting with an ensign's head. They collapse beside Mayweather. T'Pol and Trip face each other.]
T'POL: I can't let you interfere with the rescue. [pauses] Is that a phase pistol, or –
TRIP: Yep! [whips out his phase pistol and aims it at T'Pol. His face is inches from hers…]
T'POL: Commander, *what* are you doing?
TRIP: How about we spend an hour or so in the decon chamber? And then later we can see if you really wanna get the cap'n back. Whaddya say? [purses lips seductively and tosses hair]
T'POL: [dryly] As tempting an offer as that is…[pinches Trip's neck. He collapses. She turns to the last, trembling ensign] Follow the alien ship. [When the ensign has turned away, T'Pol blows on her index finger, whispers, "Bond babe saves the day," and sits down.]
[On the alien ship…]
REED: There has to be a way out of here…if only we had some light.
ARCHER: If we had some twigs and stones I could build a fire. [smug] I earned my wilderness survival badge in one try, you know. Eagle Scouts.
REED: [snidely] Well so did I.
ARCHER: [raises an eyebrow] Camping badge? Cooking badge?
REED: [proudly] Earned and earned.
ARCHER: Embroidery badge?
REED: [confused] We didn't have those…
ARCHER: That's what I *thought*! In yo' *face*, Malcolm! [does a little victory dance that involves pointing and shaking his butt]
HOSHI: Can we please focus? I'm starting to feel claustrophobic. [shivers]
ARCHER: Like the walls are closing in on you? Like you're getting squeezed tighter and tighter, and you can't breathe? Closer and closer…
HOSHI: [begins panting] Omigawd! Omigawd!
REED: [sarcastically] Thanks, Captain.
ARCHER: [oblivious] My pleasure, Malcolm.
[Suddenly, an unseen door scrapes open. A figure draped in shadows steps into the room.]
ALIEN: I am Werlox, leader of the Oogypoo.
ARCHER: Well my name's Johnny, and I'm not afraid of you!
WERLOX: [points a finger; electricity shoots out and strikes Archer, who collapses.]
HOSHI: Captain! Are you all right?
ARCHER: [twitching] Owwie…[a puff of smoke comes from his ears] I can see the light…tell Mommy I love her…[goes limp]
REED: CAPTAIN! [begins to sob] I never told him what a good man he was…and now it's too late! [sniffles]
ARCHER: Just kidding! [Hoshi screams] Aw, you shoulda seen the look on you guys' faces! [begins to giggle] I really got you, didn't I? 'I can see the light', hee-hee!
HOSHI: So you're all right?
ARCHER: [sniffs a few times] Got a little tingle in my nether region, but other than that I'm just dandy!
HOSHI: [to self] Damn! [coughs] I mean, that's wonderful. [flashes a phony smile]
WERLOX: [impatient] Are you finished? [they nod sullenly] Okay then. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted [glares at Archer, who mimics him when he turns away], my people are the Oogypoo.
REED: Why have you taken us prisoner? Why? WHY?[rolls around and pounds on the floor]
HOSHI: It's okay, Malcolm.
REED: [sits up] Sorry. I'm quite emotional – I think it's that time of the month. [Hoshi nods sympathetically] I'll be fine.
ARCHER: Why have you captured us?
WERLOX: So we could study you and see if you'd be compatible mates for us.
HOSHI: That sounds awfully familiar…
WERLOX: Yeah, you're right. Truth is, we're a very bored people, so we like to fly around in our big ship and kidnap people.
REED: You have to let us go!
WERLOX: I'm afraid it's not that simple.
ARCHER: [whimpery] Why not?
WERLOX: Because then you wouldn't have a show, and you'd have even more to whine about, you big baby. Now, in order to be set free –
REED: [excited] Does it involve fighting scantily-clad alien women in hand- to-hand combat?
WERLOX: You must show us why you deserve to be freed.
ARCHER: [claps him on the shoulder] I think we settle this very easily…don't you agree, Mr. Lincoln? [tries to slide Werlox a five dollar bill.]
WERLOX: Demonstrate to us why you should not be our eternal slaves, and we will return you to your little ship.
HOSHI: [sidles over to Werlox] You don't *really* want to hold us captive, do you, Werlox? Can't you *please* let us go? I'd be *really* grateful. [bats eyelashes flirtatiously]
ARCHER: [loudly] Got something in your eye?
WERLOX: [ignores everyone] You have one hour. [leaves the room]
[On Enterprise…]
[Trip and Mayweather are waking up to find themselves tied back to back with socks in their mouths. T'Pol is in the captain's seat.]
TRIP: Mrrmmmm! Mmmmgggh!
T'POL: [calmly] Ah. You're awake. [pulls the sock out of his mouth]
TRIP: Bleh! T'Pol, what's goin on?
T'POL: You and Ensign Mayweather were being rather disruptive, so I knocked you out and tied you up.
TRIP: [scoffs] You? Knocked out me? Yeah right T'Pol; I dunno what you've been smoking…
T'POL: I have not been smoking anything, Commander. I can and did kick your ass.
TRIP: [gruffly] You wanna say that again?
T'POL: [leans in and enunciates each word] I…can…kick…your…Southern …ass.
TRIP: [nods briskly] That's what I thought you said. Just checkin. [elbows Mayweather] Hey, Travis, wake up!
MAYWEATHER: Mmmmgggh! [T'Pol pulls the sock out of his mouth] What are you playin at? [smacks lips] That was some nasty-tasting sock!
T'POL: I got it from Captain Archer's room. [Trip and Mayweather begin spitting and choking]
TRIP: T'Pol, can you please untie us?
T'POL: No.
MAYWEATHER: Please? I…I sorta gotta…[starts jiggling]
T'POL: 'Gotta' what?
TRIP: [Mayweather whispers in his ear] He's gotta take a piss, T'Pol.
T'POL: He'll have to wait. [sits down in Archer's chair]
MAYWEATHER: But I really gotta go! I had two cans of Sprite at lunch!
T'POL: Ensign, I am not untying you or Commander Tucker until we have located the alien ship. Until then, you will just have to hold it. [mutters, "Wimp" as Travis moans in anguish]
TRIP: T'Pol…do you think you could bring me my mousse? My hair's lookin awfully – [T'Pol stuffs the sock back into his mouth]
[On the Oogypoo ship…]
HOSHI: Captain, what are we going to do?
REED: I know what we're not going to do: we're not going to have Hoshi try to flirt with Mr. Werlox again.
ARCHER: [chortles] Yeah, she did make a fool out of herself, didn't she?
HOSHI: I did not! I'm a good flirt!
REED: Hoshi, baby, darling, love…you suck. [Hoshi scowls]
ARCHER: I've got it!
REED and HOSHI: WHAT?
ARCHER: [squeezes eyes shut and clicks his heels] There's *no* place like home…there's *no* place like home…
HOSHI: Come on, we've got to think!
ARCHER: I've got it! [they ignore him] No, I've really got it! [silence] Guys! [tugs on Reed's sleeve] I can do a card trick!
REED: [patronizing] Captain, why don't you just relax and let Hoshi and I do a little thinking, all right?
ARCHER: [impatiently] But I wanna show them my tricks!
REED: No, Captain.
ARCHER: But I wanna-a-a-a! [begins to cry]
HOSHI: We might as well, Malcolm. We've got nothing to lose.
REED: [overly jovial] You hear that, sir? We're going to let you do your card trick!
ARCHER: [sniffles] Really? [wipes his nose on Reed's sleeve, leaving a little trail of snot, and beams] Great!
[The door slides open again and Werlox enters.]
WERLOX: Your time is up. Are you ready?
ARCHER: [stands up and whips out his card deck] I want you to pick a card, any card…
HOSHI: I can't watch…are we gonna die?
ARCHER: And then I go like so [shuffles deck] and…[whips out a card] Is THIS your card?
WERLOX: It's incredible! How did you know?
ARCHER: I'm a starship captain, my dear Werlox; I know these things.
WERLOX: I am impressed. You are free to go. [motions] We will beam you back. Captain Archer, you are a very clever man.
ARCHER: And you, Werlox, are – [Reed covers his mouth and pulls him out of the room before he can finish]
HOSHI: [breathy] So…what's a handsome alien like you doing on a starship like this?
WERLOX: Give it up.
HOSHI: Fine! [stomps out]
[On Enterprise, T'Pol took the sock out of Trip's mouth a little while ago.]
TRIP: [wearily] Sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-four bottles of beer…
MAYWEATHER: Trip, stop, I really hafta go!
[Suddenly, Archer, Reed, and Hoshi appear on board.]
ARCHER: [squeals] 'Poley! [throws his arms around a disgusted T'Pol]
TRIP: [unenthusiastically] Cap'n. Yer back.
MAYWEATHER: Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeon! [T'Pol unties him] Thank you, Lord! [races off to the bathroom]
TRIP: [frantically fluffs hair in his console] It's all good, it's all good. [glances at Hoshi, who is standing very close to him and batting her eyelashes] Got a problem with yer eye, Hoshi?
HOSHI: *Damn* it! [stomps away]
ARCHER: [contentedly] I always knew my card tricks would be useful…I always knew it, didn't I, 'Poley?
T'POL: [stiffly] I'm sure you did.
REED: [sidles over to T'Pol] I missed you…Stinky.
T'POL: Excuse me?
REED: [begins to stammer] Um…uh…I said…[pulls out phase pistol] Bang!
TRIP: Oh, Cap'n, while you were away we spotted a little rock thingy puttering along in space a little ways away from here. [everyone groans]
HOSHI: You're not supposed to tell him those things, you moron!
ARCHER: Oh goodie! Rocks! [plops down in seat] Take us to the rock, Mr. Mayweather! [pushes a button. There is a little whir and then a clank.] Hey! Someone ran the battery down on my built-in massage and tushie-warmer!
T'POL: [stares at her console, her eyes occasionally darting guiltily from side to side]
THE END
Rating: PG (for mild language)
Summary: When Archer, Hoshi, and Reed are kidnapped, it's all up to T'Pol to save the day because you know Trip and Mayweather won't help!
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine; they belong to Paramount. I just like to make fun of them. Feedback is *greatly* appreciated!
Setting: Archer's ready room. Archer is at his desk, fumbling with a deck of cards.
ARCHER: [whips out a card] Is *this* your card? [shows a bored Porthos, who is sitting on the floor beside him] Huh? Was that your card, boy? Was that Porthy-Worthy's card? [the intercom beeps]
T'POL: Captain, can I speak with you?
ARCHER: I dunno, can you? [slaps his knee]
T'POL: [silent]
ARCHER: [sputters with laughter] I'm just fooling with you, 'Poley, c'mon in!
T'POL: [enters the room] 'Poley?
ARCHER: [busy watching Porthos sniff the floor] Huh?
T'POL: Did you refer to me as 'Poley?
ARCHER: Yes I did. [stands up and begins pacing solemnly] I thought that by giving you a nickname, a common human practice, you might feel more of a part of the crew and – eh, screw that touchy-feely bull poopy! [claps hands joyfully] I just wanted to call you 'Poley! [bounces over to an unamused T'Pol] 'Kay, 'Poley?
T'POL: [coughs a cough that sounds suspiciously like 'imbecile'] Are you finished?
ARCHER: Almost. [squeals] 'Poley, 'Poley, 'Poley! [clears throat] 'Kay, I'm done. [returns to his seat] 'Sup?
T'POL: Scans have shown an alien vessel approximately –
ARCHER: [whips out another card] Is *this* your card, Porthy?
T'POL: *Captain.*
ARCHER: [whiny] Wha-at?
T'POL: Please pay attention when I'm speaking to you. [Archer pouts] Scans have shown an unidentifiable alien vessel approaching our coordinates. It should reach us at 1300 hours.
ARCHER: Well…can't we just fly away? [T'Pol stares at him.] [louder] I said, can't we just fly away?
T'POL: Excuse me?
ARCHER: [cups his hands around his mouth] CAN'T WE JUST TURN THE DAMN SHIP AROUND AND GO THE OTHER WAY FOR A WHILE? [to Porthos] You'd think those ears would help her hear better. [snickers]
T'POL: Are we or are we not explorers? ["Dunno," shrugs Archer.] Our purpose is to see new things, meet new species, correct? Why would we want to "fly away"?
ARCHER: Well, when you put it like that…
T'POL: Besides, if we flew away whenever we encountered a new race, the episodes would be pretty damn boring, wouldn't they? Even more so than they already are. [puts hand over her mouth] Oh, did I say that out loud?
ARCHER: [slings arm around T'Pol's shoulder. T'Pol looks nauseated.] Let's go and meet the new aliens. After all, 'Poley, we *are* explorers! [T'Pol rolls her eyes]
[On the bridge, Reed is polishing his phase pistol and occasionally muttering "Bang-bang", Trip is admiring his hair in his console and chatting to Reed, Mayweather is in the captain's chair, and Hoshi is talking to someone on her little headset.]
HOSHI: [reclines in her chair, chomps on gum, and starts filing her nails] So I says to him, I says, if *that's* how you're gonna be, then…
TRIP: Malcolm, do you think I'd look good with highlights?
MAYWEATHER: [puffs up chest] I'm the captain! I'm in control of this vessel!
HOSHI: And then he says to me, he says…
REED: [to self] Bang-b-b-b-bang!
TRIP: [runs a hand through his hair and squints] I was thinkin' about blonde. D'ya think I'd look good with blonde highlights, Malcolm?
MAYWEATHER: [gruffly] Open a channel!
REED: Boom! Pow!
HOSHI: [giggles] I know…I know…I mean, *yeah*, you know? Yeah…I know…[squints at her fingers] Damn, I broke a nail!
TRIP:…but *then* I thought, [Reed rolls his eyes] Trip…when I'm thinkin to myself, I sometimes call myself by my name! Y'know? [giggles] Anyway, I thought, Trip, you don't wanna look cheap, do you? Go for the gold! Know what I mean?
REED: [mockingly] Oh, like, totally!
MAYWEATHER: Attaaaaack! [titters nervously] Aw, I'm just playin'.
HOSHI: [screams] No! Really? No! He *said* that? No!
REED: Bam! Bam-b-b-bam!
[Archer and T'Pol appear on the bridge. Reed puts away his phase pistol, Mayweather skitters to his seat, Trip takes one last look at his hair, and Hoshi whispers, "Gotta go. Kiss-kiss!" and swallows her gum.]
ARCHER: 'Poley has informed me ["'Poley?" asks Hoshi. "And I thought Ho-Ho was bad!"] that there is an [pauses dramatically] alien vessel approaching! [glares at Mayweather.]
ARCHER: An alien vessel –
MAYWEATHER: Dun-dun-dunnn!
ARCHER: Approaching us. [whispers to Mayweather] Good job, Travis.
HOSHI: [console beeps] Omigawd! Captain! That-that-that *thing!* On my panel…it *beeped!*
T'POL: [mutters, "Baby!"] "That thing", Ensign, is the alien vessel hailing us. We wasted so much time that they've already arrived.
ARCHER: [plops down in his chair] Open a – hey! [wiggles his butt around] Someone's been sitting in my chair! [Mayweather ducks his head guiltily] Open a – hey! [pushes a button on the arm of his chair. A little compartment pops open] Someone's been eating my salted peanuts! [Reed ducks his head guiltily] Open a – hey!
T'POL: Hoshi, open the freaking channel!
HOSHI: [tearfully] Ch-ch-channel open, sir.
[Everyone gazes at the screen, which is completely black.]
TRIP: [whispers] You're supposed to push the blue button, Hoshi.
HOSHI: I *know* what button to – oh. [pushes the blue button. The screen stays black.] Oh no! Captain, I broke it! I broke the viewscreen! [begins to sob]
T'POL: [walks over to Hoshi] Here. [reaches down her uniform top, pulls out a tissue, and hands it to Hoshi, who noisily blows her nose]
ARCHER: What's going on? Why can't we see anything? Trip?
TRIP: [busy pursing his lips at his reflection in his console] Huh? Oh. [coughs] Cap'n, have you been fiddling with the controls again?
[Before anyone can do anything, there is a bright flash of light, and Archer, Hoshi, and Malcolm are gone!]
TRIP: [looks around] What happened? Have I died? Am I in heaven? Don't get me wrong, Malcolm's a good guy, but Hoshi's too whiney, and Archer, well…[shrugs] 'nuff said, I think.
T'POL: We must get them back!
MAYWEATHER: Aw, really?
TRIP: Do we hafta?
T'POL: Yes, Commander, we [wrinkles nose] *hafta*.
TRIP: [huffy] Fine. But once they're back, don't declare that I didn't insinuate that we should forsake them. [Mayweather raises an eyebrow] What? [defensively] I got a word-a-day calendar!
[Meanwhile, on the alien ship…
There are thuds, bumps, and muffled curses. The small room is completely dark. Two people are crying.]
REED: Bloody hell…who all is here with me? [more sobs] Hoshi? Captain?
HOSHI: [sniffs] How'd you know?
ARCHER: Malcolm? Malcolm…[in a stage whisper] I'M A FRAID OF THE DARK, MALCOLM!
REED: Ah, here, I've got a lighter in my pocket. If we can see, maybe we can find a way out of here. [fumbles with lighter]
HOSHI: AAAAAAAHHH!
REED: What's wrong?
HOSHI: AAAAAAAHHH!
REED: [annoyed] What is it, you bloody baby?
ARCHER: [brightly] Look, Hoshi's on fire!
REED: Good Lord! Do something, then!
ARCHER: [annoyed] Why me?
REED: You're the bloody captain, aren't you? [Archer begins blowing on Hoshi's flaming hair] That won't work! [grabs a cup of water that's sitting beside him and throws it on Hoshi]
HOSHI: [feels head to make sure she still has hair] Where did you get that water, Malcolm?
REED: Hmm…it was just sitting there beside me…
ARCHER: It must be one of those fortunate coincidences that never, ever happen on our ship, huh?
REED: Guess so.
[Back on Enterprise…]
T'POL: Ensign! Commander! [tries to grab Mayweather as he runs by]
TRIP: Neaner-neaner-neaner, you can't catch me! [leaps over his console with a whoop]
MAYWEATHER: I can too! [blows a raspberry at Trip]
T'POL: [shouts] Will you *please* sit down? [Trip and Mayweather freeze]
MAYWEATHER: [whispers] The Vulcan lady's mad! [slinks back to his seat]
TRIP: We're sowwy. [tiptoes back to his station]
T'POL: [satisfied] That's better. [sits down]
WHOOPIE CUSHION: Pbbbbbbbbbbt!
TRIP and MAYWEATHER: YEAH! [laugh hysterically]
TRIP: Jeez T'Pol, you're as bad as Porthos! [snorts with laughter]
T'POL: [rolls eyes]
[On the alien ship, they've given up on the fire idea.]
HOSHI: I've got one…if you could spend half an hour in the decon chamber with anyone on Enterprise, who would it be?
REED: Hmm…I always thought Ensign Cutler was sort of cute.
ARCHER: [giggles stupidly] I'd pick 'Poley.
REED: Oh, I didn't think of her…with her cute little ears and her [begins salivating] *bum*! I change my mind.
ARCHER: Malcolm! No takesies-backsies!
REED: Who would you choose, Hoshi?
HOSHI: [blushes] Oh, I dunno.
REED: You do too! Look at her blush! Tell us, come on!
ARCHER: Oh Malcolm, don't pester her. If she doesn't want to tell…[whispers in Hoshi's ear] I'm flattered, really, but you're too young for me, baby.
HOSHI: But I – [Archer wiggles his eyebrows at her] Eww!
[On Enterprise…]
T'POL: Commander Tucker!
TRIP: [sitting in Mayweather's chair, with Mayweather leaning over his shoulder] Look T'Pol! I can make the ship go zoom! [pushes a button; everyone is thrown against the wall] Whoopsie-doodle! [shrugs] Even the *hottest* of us can make boo-boos.
T'POL: [to self] I can't take any more of this – I just felt my IQ drop ten points.
[T'Pol pinches Mayweather's neck. He collapses with a groan. Two unknown ensigns rush forward. T'Pol jumps, doing a split in midair, each heel connecting with an ensign's head. They collapse beside Mayweather. T'Pol and Trip face each other.]
T'POL: I can't let you interfere with the rescue. [pauses] Is that a phase pistol, or –
TRIP: Yep! [whips out his phase pistol and aims it at T'Pol. His face is inches from hers…]
T'POL: Commander, *what* are you doing?
TRIP: How about we spend an hour or so in the decon chamber? And then later we can see if you really wanna get the cap'n back. Whaddya say? [purses lips seductively and tosses hair]
T'POL: [dryly] As tempting an offer as that is…[pinches Trip's neck. He collapses. She turns to the last, trembling ensign] Follow the alien ship. [When the ensign has turned away, T'Pol blows on her index finger, whispers, "Bond babe saves the day," and sits down.]
[On the alien ship…]
REED: There has to be a way out of here…if only we had some light.
ARCHER: If we had some twigs and stones I could build a fire. [smug] I earned my wilderness survival badge in one try, you know. Eagle Scouts.
REED: [snidely] Well so did I.
ARCHER: [raises an eyebrow] Camping badge? Cooking badge?
REED: [proudly] Earned and earned.
ARCHER: Embroidery badge?
REED: [confused] We didn't have those…
ARCHER: That's what I *thought*! In yo' *face*, Malcolm! [does a little victory dance that involves pointing and shaking his butt]
HOSHI: Can we please focus? I'm starting to feel claustrophobic. [shivers]
ARCHER: Like the walls are closing in on you? Like you're getting squeezed tighter and tighter, and you can't breathe? Closer and closer…
HOSHI: [begins panting] Omigawd! Omigawd!
REED: [sarcastically] Thanks, Captain.
ARCHER: [oblivious] My pleasure, Malcolm.
[Suddenly, an unseen door scrapes open. A figure draped in shadows steps into the room.]
ALIEN: I am Werlox, leader of the Oogypoo.
ARCHER: Well my name's Johnny, and I'm not afraid of you!
WERLOX: [points a finger; electricity shoots out and strikes Archer, who collapses.]
HOSHI: Captain! Are you all right?
ARCHER: [twitching] Owwie…[a puff of smoke comes from his ears] I can see the light…tell Mommy I love her…[goes limp]
REED: CAPTAIN! [begins to sob] I never told him what a good man he was…and now it's too late! [sniffles]
ARCHER: Just kidding! [Hoshi screams] Aw, you shoulda seen the look on you guys' faces! [begins to giggle] I really got you, didn't I? 'I can see the light', hee-hee!
HOSHI: So you're all right?
ARCHER: [sniffs a few times] Got a little tingle in my nether region, but other than that I'm just dandy!
HOSHI: [to self] Damn! [coughs] I mean, that's wonderful. [flashes a phony smile]
WERLOX: [impatient] Are you finished? [they nod sullenly] Okay then. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted [glares at Archer, who mimics him when he turns away], my people are the Oogypoo.
REED: Why have you taken us prisoner? Why? WHY?[rolls around and pounds on the floor]
HOSHI: It's okay, Malcolm.
REED: [sits up] Sorry. I'm quite emotional – I think it's that time of the month. [Hoshi nods sympathetically] I'll be fine.
ARCHER: Why have you captured us?
WERLOX: So we could study you and see if you'd be compatible mates for us.
HOSHI: That sounds awfully familiar…
WERLOX: Yeah, you're right. Truth is, we're a very bored people, so we like to fly around in our big ship and kidnap people.
REED: You have to let us go!
WERLOX: I'm afraid it's not that simple.
ARCHER: [whimpery] Why not?
WERLOX: Because then you wouldn't have a show, and you'd have even more to whine about, you big baby. Now, in order to be set free –
REED: [excited] Does it involve fighting scantily-clad alien women in hand- to-hand combat?
WERLOX: You must show us why you deserve to be freed.
ARCHER: [claps him on the shoulder] I think we settle this very easily…don't you agree, Mr. Lincoln? [tries to slide Werlox a five dollar bill.]
WERLOX: Demonstrate to us why you should not be our eternal slaves, and we will return you to your little ship.
HOSHI: [sidles over to Werlox] You don't *really* want to hold us captive, do you, Werlox? Can't you *please* let us go? I'd be *really* grateful. [bats eyelashes flirtatiously]
ARCHER: [loudly] Got something in your eye?
WERLOX: [ignores everyone] You have one hour. [leaves the room]
[On Enterprise…]
[Trip and Mayweather are waking up to find themselves tied back to back with socks in their mouths. T'Pol is in the captain's seat.]
TRIP: Mrrmmmm! Mmmmgggh!
T'POL: [calmly] Ah. You're awake. [pulls the sock out of his mouth]
TRIP: Bleh! T'Pol, what's goin on?
T'POL: You and Ensign Mayweather were being rather disruptive, so I knocked you out and tied you up.
TRIP: [scoffs] You? Knocked out me? Yeah right T'Pol; I dunno what you've been smoking…
T'POL: I have not been smoking anything, Commander. I can and did kick your ass.
TRIP: [gruffly] You wanna say that again?
T'POL: [leans in and enunciates each word] I…can…kick…your…Southern …ass.
TRIP: [nods briskly] That's what I thought you said. Just checkin. [elbows Mayweather] Hey, Travis, wake up!
MAYWEATHER: Mmmmgggh! [T'Pol pulls the sock out of his mouth] What are you playin at? [smacks lips] That was some nasty-tasting sock!
T'POL: I got it from Captain Archer's room. [Trip and Mayweather begin spitting and choking]
TRIP: T'Pol, can you please untie us?
T'POL: No.
MAYWEATHER: Please? I…I sorta gotta…[starts jiggling]
T'POL: 'Gotta' what?
TRIP: [Mayweather whispers in his ear] He's gotta take a piss, T'Pol.
T'POL: He'll have to wait. [sits down in Archer's chair]
MAYWEATHER: But I really gotta go! I had two cans of Sprite at lunch!
T'POL: Ensign, I am not untying you or Commander Tucker until we have located the alien ship. Until then, you will just have to hold it. [mutters, "Wimp" as Travis moans in anguish]
TRIP: T'Pol…do you think you could bring me my mousse? My hair's lookin awfully – [T'Pol stuffs the sock back into his mouth]
[On the Oogypoo ship…]
HOSHI: Captain, what are we going to do?
REED: I know what we're not going to do: we're not going to have Hoshi try to flirt with Mr. Werlox again.
ARCHER: [chortles] Yeah, she did make a fool out of herself, didn't she?
HOSHI: I did not! I'm a good flirt!
REED: Hoshi, baby, darling, love…you suck. [Hoshi scowls]
ARCHER: I've got it!
REED and HOSHI: WHAT?
ARCHER: [squeezes eyes shut and clicks his heels] There's *no* place like home…there's *no* place like home…
HOSHI: Come on, we've got to think!
ARCHER: I've got it! [they ignore him] No, I've really got it! [silence] Guys! [tugs on Reed's sleeve] I can do a card trick!
REED: [patronizing] Captain, why don't you just relax and let Hoshi and I do a little thinking, all right?
ARCHER: [impatiently] But I wanna show them my tricks!
REED: No, Captain.
ARCHER: But I wanna-a-a-a! [begins to cry]
HOSHI: We might as well, Malcolm. We've got nothing to lose.
REED: [overly jovial] You hear that, sir? We're going to let you do your card trick!
ARCHER: [sniffles] Really? [wipes his nose on Reed's sleeve, leaving a little trail of snot, and beams] Great!
[The door slides open again and Werlox enters.]
WERLOX: Your time is up. Are you ready?
ARCHER: [stands up and whips out his card deck] I want you to pick a card, any card…
HOSHI: I can't watch…are we gonna die?
ARCHER: And then I go like so [shuffles deck] and…[whips out a card] Is THIS your card?
WERLOX: It's incredible! How did you know?
ARCHER: I'm a starship captain, my dear Werlox; I know these things.
WERLOX: I am impressed. You are free to go. [motions] We will beam you back. Captain Archer, you are a very clever man.
ARCHER: And you, Werlox, are – [Reed covers his mouth and pulls him out of the room before he can finish]
HOSHI: [breathy] So…what's a handsome alien like you doing on a starship like this?
WERLOX: Give it up.
HOSHI: Fine! [stomps out]
[On Enterprise, T'Pol took the sock out of Trip's mouth a little while ago.]
TRIP: [wearily] Sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-four bottles of beer…
MAYWEATHER: Trip, stop, I really hafta go!
[Suddenly, Archer, Reed, and Hoshi appear on board.]
ARCHER: [squeals] 'Poley! [throws his arms around a disgusted T'Pol]
TRIP: [unenthusiastically] Cap'n. Yer back.
MAYWEATHER: Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeon! [T'Pol unties him] Thank you, Lord! [races off to the bathroom]
TRIP: [frantically fluffs hair in his console] It's all good, it's all good. [glances at Hoshi, who is standing very close to him and batting her eyelashes] Got a problem with yer eye, Hoshi?
HOSHI: *Damn* it! [stomps away]
ARCHER: [contentedly] I always knew my card tricks would be useful…I always knew it, didn't I, 'Poley?
T'POL: [stiffly] I'm sure you did.
REED: [sidles over to T'Pol] I missed you…Stinky.
T'POL: Excuse me?
REED: [begins to stammer] Um…uh…I said…[pulls out phase pistol] Bang!
TRIP: Oh, Cap'n, while you were away we spotted a little rock thingy puttering along in space a little ways away from here. [everyone groans]
HOSHI: You're not supposed to tell him those things, you moron!
ARCHER: Oh goodie! Rocks! [plops down in seat] Take us to the rock, Mr. Mayweather! [pushes a button. There is a little whir and then a clank.] Hey! Someone ran the battery down on my built-in massage and tushie-warmer!
T'POL: [stares at her console, her eyes occasionally darting guiltily from side to side]
THE END