~Xander~



Cordelia and I had been doing what we did best-- fighting and then making out
like teenagers-- when we got the call. For a second, I was transported back
to high school. It all felt a little surreal to me, hearing Giles say, "You
have to come. Bring Cordelia. It's the Hellmouth," again for the first time
in so long.

The meeting was strange.

After the meeting was stranger.

Cordelia turned to me as Giles requested that we go home and rest up, and
slipped her hand into mine. She looked a little lost and a lot frightened,
and my ego flared up a bit as I realized that she was looking to me for
support. I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her close as we left
Giles's apartment.

"Are you all right?" I murmured as we got into my car.

"Yeah." Her voice was shaky. "I'm just nervous, I guess. I haven't had a
vision in a pretty long time... I sort of thought that part of my life was
over with, you know? And then when Angel showed up tonight, I sort of felt
panicked, like I was trapped," she confessed. "I sometimes want to be a part
of all of this, really. But sometimes it scares me."

I leaned over and kissed her. "It scares all of us, Cordy."

"Oh, really?" She smirked. "Then why does Giles continue to tell us about
it, if he knows we're going to be so scared?"

"Maybe he just wants to keep us on our toes," I suggested.

"You keep me on my toes enough," she said, and this time her voice was
seductive. I arched one eyebrow at her-- I never understood why, but that
always drove her crazy-- and she slowly drew her tongue over her bottom lip.
I stifled a groan, and reached over, threading my fingers through hers. My
thumb took on a mind of its own, massaging the back of her hand.

"I like your toes," I whispered.

The corner of her mouth curved up. "Want to rub my feet later?" she asked,
drawing our joined hands in small circles on her thigh. The urge to groan
was growing.

"Yes, please."

Suddenly she laughed. "I just love it when you beg to do things for me."

I finally let go of the groan, only it came out more annoyed than turned on.
I pulled my hand back from hers, putting it on the steering wheel, and
looking straight ahead. "Shut up, Cordy."

The sex was going to be great tonight.
* * * * * * *

After Cordelia fell asleep, my mind started wandering. I thought back to the
time when I dated Anya, and one of her many comments came back to me.

'You continue to associate with them, though you share little in common,' she
had said at the time.

But as I started thinking, I realized that maybe that wasn't true. Just
because the group didn't all read the same books or love the same movies or
music, or have the same goals (other than keeping the world from being
destroyed), it didn't mean we had nothing in common. We had a lot in common.

We had each other in common.

I would die for any one of them, and I know they would die for me. Maybe
under normal circumstances, none of us would have become friends-- not
really-- but we didn't get to know each other under normal circumstances. So
we did become friends. We became the most important people in the world to
each other. At least, that's the way I saw it.

I idly twisted a strand of Cordelia's silky hair around my finger and yawned.
I leaned down and kissed her on the mouth, surprised when she stirred and
her eyes opened. She usually slept like a log.

"Xander?"

"Sorry," I whispered. "I couldn't sleep."

"I love you."

My mouth dropped open. "What?"

We had dated for exactly a year in high school. And we gotten back together
over a year ago, through some very lucky correspondence. And deep down, I
knew how we felt about each other, knew everything that we were hiding from
one another with our snide remarks and cutting comebacks. I knew I loved
her. I knew she loved me.

I just... had never heard her say it.

"I love you," she repeated, and I was even more surprised. Her eyes locked
on mine; that deep, coffee brown, reached in and caught me, measuring me up,
almost as if she was scared about what I was going to say to her confession.

I lifted my finger to trace it over her jaw, her cheekbone, her mouth. My
heart was racing, my blood pumping. "I love you too."

"You do?"

"Yes," I said, not needing to hesitate.

"Good." Her eyes slipped shut again, then, and I was deprived of that
beautiful color, but she snuggled closer to me, reaching around and placing
her palms firmly against the small of my back. "Don't ever leave me, okay?"

"I promise."

She nodded definitively against my chest, and then was silent and still.

I knew I would wonder in the morning if it had been a dream. I knew that we
would fall back into old habits, and the tenderness between us would go back
into hiding, to only come out occasionally, while we were making love or one
of us was in mortal danger. But I also knew that, whether I thought it to be
a dream or not, I would never forget this moment.

I rested my chin on top of her head, and smiled, shutting my eyes. I needed
to sleep, too.

Maybe I would dream of her.

Maybe I would dream of all of us.
* * * * * * *

I actually slept soundly, without any dreams at all-- at least none that I
could remember in the light of day-- and woke up to Cordelia staring at me.
I jumped, startled, and blinked a few times. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Memorizing you," she said solemnly, and my surprise at being woken up
strangely dissipated.

I reached up and tucked a loose bit of her hair behind her ear. "I'm pretty
sure you've got me memorized by now. How long have you been up?"

"About an hour. I made coffee." She smiled. "It's bad coffee, but
caffeinated nonetheless. I was just about to wake you, when I decided to...
Anyway, wake up, Dork."

I glanced at her. "What if I want to stay in bed?" I asked suggestively.

"Are you asking me to stay with you?"

"Not exactly."

"Are you threatening me?" Her eyes were wicked. "Or is it more of a
promise?"

"Depends on if you're in the mood for kink or romance," I laughed.

She groaned at my lame joke and tugged on my hands, pulling me out of bed. I
sighed and wrapped my arms around her as we made our way to the kitchen.
"Willow called. So did Buffy and Giles."

"Do they need us?" I was immediately alert.

"Today yes, but not for a while," Cordelia explained, buttering up some toast
as I poured myself a cup of her (very bad, she was right) coffee. "We're the
research bunnies again, I guess."

I rolled my eyes in mock disappointment. "Can't we be the other type of
bunnies?"

"Xander!" She shook her head, trying to hide a smile. She wasn't doing it
very well. "Eat your food and get your mind out of the gutter."

I chuckled a bit and started eating, and there was silence for a while.
Cordelia looked thoughtful, but since she so rarely was, I didn't want to
speak and interrupt the moment. Finally she looked at me and opened her
mouth, but didn't say anything.

"Yes....?" I prompted.

"You remember what I said last night, don't you?"

How could I forget? "Of course I do."

"Well, keep remembering it." She bit her lip, looking away from me for a
moment, and I saw tears gathering in her eyes. "I have a bad feeling about
this one, Xander. I know we've been through a lot, but this isn't like the
others. I don't know why, but it's not. So I love you."

I smiled at her, my chest feeling warm inside. "If this is what it takes for
you to admit that you love me, I should have staged this whole thing a long
time ago."

"I'm serious, Xander."

I sobered. "I know you are. I love you too."

She reached out and laid her hand over mine, and we finished our meal in
silence. I felt a small tremble go through me, something mysterious and
hidden and dangerous clicking at the back of my mind, but didn't say
anything.

We didn't say another word until we left for Giles's.

There wasn't another word left to say.