~Cordelia~



I just couldn't not tell him anymore. I saw myself in the past, wasting so
much time being mad and hurt when, while my anger was justified, I know now
that it was something that had to be done. Those kisses, satisfying that
curiosity that must've been there all their lives. And then I saw myself
hating him, when I really just hated myself, hated that I had allowed myself
to fall in love with him.

I had wondered for years what it would be like to tell him. And I wondered
that night what it would be like not to. And I finally decided that I
wouldn't have been able to live with myself-- if I lived-- if I didn't.

It felt good to say.

It felt even better to hear back.

I'd spent so much time loving Xander, and taking him for granted; so much
time that I could have spent hearing those words over and over, making love
to him, hearing my own heart pound as he made love to me.

I was scared, and there was no way around that.

But at least I was scared with him.
* * * * * * * *

When I woke up in the morning, I decided to let him sleep in for a while.
I'd sort of worn him out the night before. While making coffee, the phone
rang and I answered it, knowing who it would be.

"Hi, Giles."

"Um, yes. Hello, Cordelia."

"What's the up?"

"I just wanted to let you know that I'd be needing both of you today." He
paused, sounding a little awkward. "Xander is there?"

I sighed. Even having known Giles since I was sixteen, I still couldn't get
over his British sensibilities. And hey, it wasn't like Giles hadn't ever
had a sleep-over. "Yes. He's here. He's asleep. Do you want me to wake
him?"

"No, no. That's fine. I suppose you should just leave him to his rest."
Again he stopped, and I realized that it wasn't awkwardness I was sensing, it
was nervousness. And fear. Panic shot through me, but I shoved it down
inside of myself, not willing to let myself feel that way. "When you're both
ready, please come over?"

"Sure." I nodded to myself and cleared the frog out of my throat. "Do you
need us right away?"

"Well... No. But by noon would be the most help."

"All right. Bye, Giles."

We disconnected. I knew that I wouldn't tell Xander how worried Giles had
sounded. Maybe because talking about it would only make me more afraid.
Maybe it was simply because Xander didn't need to know.

Or maybe it was because I loved him, and I wanted him as burden-free as
possible.
* * * * * * *

When we arrived at Giles's house, we stopped dead. The place was a mess with
yellowed papers and books were strewn over every available surface. Giles
looked up at us with messy hair and frazzled eyes, and his glasses rested
crookedly on his face.

"Oh." He managed a shaky smile. "Hello you two."

"Um, hi." I stepped over some books and a sweater that were lying on the
floor and made my way to the couch, where he was sitting. Pushing some
papers aside, I sat down and proceeded to check Giles for any signs of
bruises. "Did something attack you?"

"No," he said faintly, covering a yawn with his hand, "I apologize for the..."

"Complete lack of floor?" Xander suggested, making his way over to my side.

"Ah, yes." Giles cleared his throat. "For that. I've been up all night,
looking through some texts that I've been neglecting for years. They've been
very... illuminating."

"Why didn't you call us?" I demanded, seeing how worn he was. The anger in
my voice surprised even me, as I wasn't the first person to volunteer to
research for this type of thing. Giles's eyebrows shot up.

After a moment of silence, he answered. His voice was quiet. "There is a
very long fight ahead of us, Cordelia. While I can handle myself in combat,
*this* is my area of expertise. Willow and Oz, you and Xander, and
especially Angel and Buffy need to be ready for the battle that is sure to
come."

"Well, I'm *not* good at combat," I pointed out. "So the least you could
have done is asked if I could help with the research. That way you could
have gotten a couple of hours of sleep, like you used to in high school."

He looked at me fondly. "I hate to dispel this myth, but I think I got a
total amount of eighteen hours of sleep during those three years. When you
were all helping, I was in my office or in my apartment, helping as well."

I looked at him, aghast. Xander chuckled and nodded at Giles, placing his
hand on my shoulder. I looked at him and he dipped his head at me, telling
me with a look not to scold Giles for doing his job. I sighed and nodded
back to him.

"Where is everyone?" Xander finally asked. "It's after eleven."

The yawn that Giles had been suppressing since our arrival finally escaped,
and then he lowered his head, embarrassed. "Willow and Buffy are out getting
donuts and magick supplies. Oz is calling some of his contacts to locate a
book that I need. And Angel is..."

"Being lazy and sleeping the day away?" Xander asked knowingly.

"Resting up," Giles corrected with a smirk. "And I have stumbled across some
very interesting news."

"What?"

His eyes darkened. "I'd like to wait for the others to arrive before I say
anything. I need to check something."

A coil of fear chilled my stomach. I knew that Giles only withheld
information when we were up against something horrible. And though we had
been up against a lot of horrible things in the past ten years, I knew that
this was worse.

The only question that remained was how much.