I wish I owned Harry Potter. But I don't. It's all J.K. Rowling. You
rule!
A/N: Don't read this if you like Nathaniel Hawthorne. I can't stand him. He is the most boring person ever. This is a big parody of The Scarlet Letter, just using HP characters to fit my needs. It all proves that the entirety of the book can be covered in about 5 minutes, not endless chapters. So here we go.
(Scene: the Great Hall of Hogwarts. Everyone, even Mrs. Norris, is gathered to watch the sentencing of one Ginny Weasley. She stands in front of the professor's table, all eyes on her.)
ANNOYINGLY IMPARTIAL, OMNISCIENT NARRATOR: Each limb was exactly three inches long. Well, not exactly. If I wanted to be exact, each limb was three and two-fifteenths inches long. And the top was a little narrower, maybe two and sixteen-seventeenths inches.
GINNY: Can you get on with it? This is making me very self-conscious.
NARRATOR: Right. Moving along. Each limb was somewhere around three inches long. It would be more precise if Ginny were a better seamstress.
GINNY: Hey!
NARRATOR: Be quiet. You're supposed to be on trial.
GINNY: Whatever.
NARRATOR: The letter, a chartreuse "U" was on her robes. It stood for (cue dramatic music) Underage Witch!!
(gasps from the crowd)
NARRATOR: Her crime: performing magic when she wasn't supposed to. Her sentence: the Chartruese Letter
(cut to shot of huge bright green U on Ginny's robes)
SNAPE: I present Miss Ginny Weasley…Underage Witch!
DRACO: Ha! She should be sentenced to death!
GOYLE: Life in Azkaban!
PANSY PARKINSON: An eternity as Draco's indistinguishable girlfriend! (gets a look from Draco) What?
HARRY: No! Wait! I have a better idea. Let's just let her live her life in shame!
SNAPE: That's stupid.
HARRY: Well, it wouldn't be a very good story if we killed her.
SNAPE: Why should we listen to you?
HARRY: Because I'm Harry Potter. And I stand for truth, justice, and the Hogwarts way.
CRABBE: Huh?
DRACO: It's an allusion, dummy.
CRABBE: Huh?
DRACO: Never mind.
NARRATOR: It was then that the crowd noticed the tiny bundle in Ginny's arms. It was (more dramatic music) a platypus!
(Ginny clutches platypus, which is wrapped in blankets and dressed in baby clothing)
HARRY: What's it dressed like a baby for.
GINNY: Because. I was bored.
NARRATOR: The platypus was formerly a beloved family member. It was Ron.
RON THE PLATYPUS: Help! I'm a platypus!
GINNY: Shut up. You're not helping.
NARRATOR: That was the crime of the woman wearing the chartreuse letter. She turned her beloved brother into a platypus. And she was doomed to suffer the consequence of the Letter (cue cello section) FOREVER!
HARRY: Hey, Gin, why'd you make it all big? Couldn't sew that small?
GINNY: Nah. It's plot development.
HARRY: Oh.
HERMIONE: This reminds me of a book I once read, by this guy Nathaniel Haw…
RON THE PLATYPUS: Shut up Hermione! How can you think of books at a time like this?
HERMIONE: I have skill.
SNAPE: Thanks to the words of Mr. Potter, she will get no sentence other than that really ugly letter thing. But she will be shamed from all the wizarding world! Bwhaahahaaaaa!
HARRY: I think we need to get him some Prozac.
NARRATOR: And so she began her exiled life. She shut herself into Gryffindor Tower. She stopped speaking to others. She completely ignored Harry, for reasons that cannot be revealed directly.
NEVILLE: How come?
NARRATOR: Because that would be too easy. Shut up and listen. Every day Ginny attended classes, but created a barrier around herself. She spent her days going from room to room, hanging on to Ron the Platypus for dear life. No one would talk to her because of her shame. She was an Underage Wizard. And that was unforgivable.
RON THE PLATYPUS: I'm repeating my last year! It's horrible! Stupid sister.
PROFESSOR BINNS: (is wearing a college lanyard. He bobs his head every once in a while, and talks to the stapler on his desk. He rolls a pencil between his hands, making annoying clicky noises.) Are there any questions? (continues rolling pen, and looks straight down at the stapler, ignoring the class, who are all waving their hands wildly.) All right. Moving along…
NARRATOR: After a while, it was decided that Ginny was unfit to care for Ron the Platypus anymore.
RON THE PLATYPUS: Good. I'm getting sick of pink frilly baby clothes.
NARRATOR: Stop interrupting me. Or I'll have to go Puritanic on your bum.
RON THE PLATYPUS: Ooh, scaaaaarrrryyyyyyy…
NARRATOR: Ginny and Ron the platypus were brought before a bunch of the professors.
SNAPE: You, Ginny Weasley, are unfit for command. Er, keeping a Platypus. We want to take him away.
GINNY: NOOOOOOOOOOO! He's all I've got. No one will talk to me!
HARRY: (out of nowhere) I'll talk to you!
GINNY: Sh! I'm supposed to be avoiding you at all costs. We can only look at each other knowingly from across the room.
HARRY: Oh.
(they look at each other knowingly.
SNAPE: Gimme the Platypus.
GINNY: Nevah!
HARRY: She can keep him, don't worry. She's perfectly fit to keep him.
SNAPE: And why should the people listen to you?
HARRY: Because, unlike other Harry Potters, I can speak with an English accent!
GINNY: Thanks, Harry! (runs off, still carrying Ron)
RON THE PLATYPUS: Geroff me! Geroff me!
NARRATOR: Ever since the sentencing of Ginny, Harry had been getting more and more ill. It was indefinite as to what the illness was, but it was probably psychological. He had developed a Complex. And it was affecting his work. So, for the sake of the plot, Draco moved into the dorm next to Harry, and surveyed his every move.
DRACO: Bwhahaaahahaaaa! I can see your every move, Potter.
HARRY: Shut up. But while we're on the subject, do you think you can tell me what my problem is?
DRACO: You're a moron.
HARRY: Aside from that. I think it's a medical thing.
DRACO: Go see Madam Pomfrey, idiot.
HARRY: But this is necessary for plot development. You have to move in and torture me.
DRACO: Cool.
NARRATOR: And so it went. Draco spent all his spare time playing mind games with Harry. And Harry grew weaker and weaker.
HARRY: I'm so weak!
NARRATOR: Why do these people keep interrupting? Anyway, one day, Draco thought he saw something on Harry's chest. He wasn't sure, but it looked like (dramatic music wails) a green U! So we'll change plots again. Ginny and Ron have been living in solidarity for a while. They are gradually being accepted back into society, though Ginny wants none of it. She worked as a really bad seamstress, making clothes that everyone has apparently deemed cool. The other students started to say that the U stands for Understanding, Undaunted, Undulated, Unicorn, and in one odd case, Umpire. Ginny and Harry continue to exchange glances every time they meet. It's very suspicious. And Ron acts like he's possessed every once in a while.
NEVILLE: Does Harry have something to do with Ginny being an Underage witch?
NARRATOR: Of course it does. Haven't you ever read the book this thing is based on?
NEVILLE: No…
NARRATOR: Don't. It's dumb. Some more pointless stuff happens, and it becomes ever clearer that Ginny and Harry are in it together. One day, Ginny was walking through the grounds, and let Ron the Platypus scurry about doing platypus-y things. She meets Harry, and they have a discussion.
HARRY: I think Draco knows.
GINNY: Of course he does.
HARRY: Why would you think that?
GINNY: Dunno. It makes sense.
HARRY: So he knows what we did?
GINNY: Yeah.
HARRY: He knows that we…(takes a deep breath)…were in the Restricted section???
GINNY: (sobbing by now) Of course! I needed to find out how to transfigure a beaver into a duck…and you helped me! You were so nice!
HARRY: Of course I was. I'm Harry Potter.
GINNY: And…when Ron came in, we were working out the spell, and….we turned him into a Platypus!!
HARRY: Gin, I'm so sorry!
GINNY: You'd better be!
HARRY: We should run away. Then no one will point at that ugly green thing on your chest.
GINNY: It's not ugly!
HARRY: Sure, if you sewed it in the dark.
GINNY: Shut up. Let's get your broom and go.
HARRY: We can't do that!
GINNY: Why not?
HARRY: Because…we need to make big, overdrawn plans that can easily be foiled by Malfoy and Snape!
GINNY: Oh, more plot stuff, right?
HARRY: By George, I think she's got it!
NARRATOR: Harry and Ginny made plans to leave on the Knight Bus the day after a big feast that was made for no real reason. Harry had become very weak. Draco was guilting him into getting really really sick. Just because. Harry was to make a speech at this feast, which was coincidentally prepared in his honor. It was a speech to end all speeches. It left the crowd in a hush. Suddenly, Draco made an outburst.
DRACO: An outburst!
NARRATOR: Just say something, stupid.
DRACO: Something, stupid.
NARRATOR: Draco!
DRACO: Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes. Harry Potter assisted the Underage Wizard!
(there are gasps from the Great Hall)
HARRY: Yes, I did. (he collapses on the floor from his prolonged Draco- induced illness)
GINNY: Oh no! You can't die!
NARRATOR: Too bad! He's gonna die.
GINNY: What? That stupid! You can't kill Harry Potter!
NARRATOR: Yes I can!
GINNY: No you can't!
NARRATOR: Yes I can!
HARRY: Actually, you can't. I don't feel like dying today. I think I'll live.
NARRATOR: You can't do that! This story has to end in a really stupid, sad way!
HARRY: Sorry. Not today, annoying Narrator person.
NARRATOR: Drat you!
HARRY: C'mon Gin, let's get out of here.
GINNY: Word to that.
(They hop on Harry's broom)
HERMIONE: Hey, that not how it's supposed to end! You're supposed to die, Harry! And so's Draco eventually. And Ron goes and marries some European person! And you, Ginny, live unhappily ever after, still wearing the Chartreuse Letter!
RON THE PLATYPUS: Hey! I'm still a platypus!
HARRY: Oh, sorry 'bout that. (waves wand) There ya go.
RON: I'm not a platypus anymore!
HERMIONE: This is all wrong! Doesn't anybody read Hawthorne?
RON: Sorry, Mione, I'm not complaining! I'm me again! Though I think it's time I lay my eggs…
HERMIONE: Argh! This is pointless! This is not supposed to be a happy ending!
NARRATOR: Agreed, Hermione! You're all supposed to be depressed.
HARRY: Oh well.
GINNY: Let's blow this Popsicle stand.
NARRATOR: I can't believe this…
A/N: Don't read this if you like Nathaniel Hawthorne. I can't stand him. He is the most boring person ever. This is a big parody of The Scarlet Letter, just using HP characters to fit my needs. It all proves that the entirety of the book can be covered in about 5 minutes, not endless chapters. So here we go.
(Scene: the Great Hall of Hogwarts. Everyone, even Mrs. Norris, is gathered to watch the sentencing of one Ginny Weasley. She stands in front of the professor's table, all eyes on her.)
ANNOYINGLY IMPARTIAL, OMNISCIENT NARRATOR: Each limb was exactly three inches long. Well, not exactly. If I wanted to be exact, each limb was three and two-fifteenths inches long. And the top was a little narrower, maybe two and sixteen-seventeenths inches.
GINNY: Can you get on with it? This is making me very self-conscious.
NARRATOR: Right. Moving along. Each limb was somewhere around three inches long. It would be more precise if Ginny were a better seamstress.
GINNY: Hey!
NARRATOR: Be quiet. You're supposed to be on trial.
GINNY: Whatever.
NARRATOR: The letter, a chartreuse "U" was on her robes. It stood for (cue dramatic music) Underage Witch!!
(gasps from the crowd)
NARRATOR: Her crime: performing magic when she wasn't supposed to. Her sentence: the Chartruese Letter
(cut to shot of huge bright green U on Ginny's robes)
SNAPE: I present Miss Ginny Weasley…Underage Witch!
DRACO: Ha! She should be sentenced to death!
GOYLE: Life in Azkaban!
PANSY PARKINSON: An eternity as Draco's indistinguishable girlfriend! (gets a look from Draco) What?
HARRY: No! Wait! I have a better idea. Let's just let her live her life in shame!
SNAPE: That's stupid.
HARRY: Well, it wouldn't be a very good story if we killed her.
SNAPE: Why should we listen to you?
HARRY: Because I'm Harry Potter. And I stand for truth, justice, and the Hogwarts way.
CRABBE: Huh?
DRACO: It's an allusion, dummy.
CRABBE: Huh?
DRACO: Never mind.
NARRATOR: It was then that the crowd noticed the tiny bundle in Ginny's arms. It was (more dramatic music) a platypus!
(Ginny clutches platypus, which is wrapped in blankets and dressed in baby clothing)
HARRY: What's it dressed like a baby for.
GINNY: Because. I was bored.
NARRATOR: The platypus was formerly a beloved family member. It was Ron.
RON THE PLATYPUS: Help! I'm a platypus!
GINNY: Shut up. You're not helping.
NARRATOR: That was the crime of the woman wearing the chartreuse letter. She turned her beloved brother into a platypus. And she was doomed to suffer the consequence of the Letter (cue cello section) FOREVER!
HARRY: Hey, Gin, why'd you make it all big? Couldn't sew that small?
GINNY: Nah. It's plot development.
HARRY: Oh.
HERMIONE: This reminds me of a book I once read, by this guy Nathaniel Haw…
RON THE PLATYPUS: Shut up Hermione! How can you think of books at a time like this?
HERMIONE: I have skill.
SNAPE: Thanks to the words of Mr. Potter, she will get no sentence other than that really ugly letter thing. But she will be shamed from all the wizarding world! Bwhaahahaaaaa!
HARRY: I think we need to get him some Prozac.
NARRATOR: And so she began her exiled life. She shut herself into Gryffindor Tower. She stopped speaking to others. She completely ignored Harry, for reasons that cannot be revealed directly.
NEVILLE: How come?
NARRATOR: Because that would be too easy. Shut up and listen. Every day Ginny attended classes, but created a barrier around herself. She spent her days going from room to room, hanging on to Ron the Platypus for dear life. No one would talk to her because of her shame. She was an Underage Wizard. And that was unforgivable.
RON THE PLATYPUS: I'm repeating my last year! It's horrible! Stupid sister.
PROFESSOR BINNS: (is wearing a college lanyard. He bobs his head every once in a while, and talks to the stapler on his desk. He rolls a pencil between his hands, making annoying clicky noises.) Are there any questions? (continues rolling pen, and looks straight down at the stapler, ignoring the class, who are all waving their hands wildly.) All right. Moving along…
NARRATOR: After a while, it was decided that Ginny was unfit to care for Ron the Platypus anymore.
RON THE PLATYPUS: Good. I'm getting sick of pink frilly baby clothes.
NARRATOR: Stop interrupting me. Or I'll have to go Puritanic on your bum.
RON THE PLATYPUS: Ooh, scaaaaarrrryyyyyyy…
NARRATOR: Ginny and Ron the platypus were brought before a bunch of the professors.
SNAPE: You, Ginny Weasley, are unfit for command. Er, keeping a Platypus. We want to take him away.
GINNY: NOOOOOOOOOOO! He's all I've got. No one will talk to me!
HARRY: (out of nowhere) I'll talk to you!
GINNY: Sh! I'm supposed to be avoiding you at all costs. We can only look at each other knowingly from across the room.
HARRY: Oh.
(they look at each other knowingly.
SNAPE: Gimme the Platypus.
GINNY: Nevah!
HARRY: She can keep him, don't worry. She's perfectly fit to keep him.
SNAPE: And why should the people listen to you?
HARRY: Because, unlike other Harry Potters, I can speak with an English accent!
GINNY: Thanks, Harry! (runs off, still carrying Ron)
RON THE PLATYPUS: Geroff me! Geroff me!
NARRATOR: Ever since the sentencing of Ginny, Harry had been getting more and more ill. It was indefinite as to what the illness was, but it was probably psychological. He had developed a Complex. And it was affecting his work. So, for the sake of the plot, Draco moved into the dorm next to Harry, and surveyed his every move.
DRACO: Bwhahaaahahaaaa! I can see your every move, Potter.
HARRY: Shut up. But while we're on the subject, do you think you can tell me what my problem is?
DRACO: You're a moron.
HARRY: Aside from that. I think it's a medical thing.
DRACO: Go see Madam Pomfrey, idiot.
HARRY: But this is necessary for plot development. You have to move in and torture me.
DRACO: Cool.
NARRATOR: And so it went. Draco spent all his spare time playing mind games with Harry. And Harry grew weaker and weaker.
HARRY: I'm so weak!
NARRATOR: Why do these people keep interrupting? Anyway, one day, Draco thought he saw something on Harry's chest. He wasn't sure, but it looked like (dramatic music wails) a green U! So we'll change plots again. Ginny and Ron have been living in solidarity for a while. They are gradually being accepted back into society, though Ginny wants none of it. She worked as a really bad seamstress, making clothes that everyone has apparently deemed cool. The other students started to say that the U stands for Understanding, Undaunted, Undulated, Unicorn, and in one odd case, Umpire. Ginny and Harry continue to exchange glances every time they meet. It's very suspicious. And Ron acts like he's possessed every once in a while.
NEVILLE: Does Harry have something to do with Ginny being an Underage witch?
NARRATOR: Of course it does. Haven't you ever read the book this thing is based on?
NEVILLE: No…
NARRATOR: Don't. It's dumb. Some more pointless stuff happens, and it becomes ever clearer that Ginny and Harry are in it together. One day, Ginny was walking through the grounds, and let Ron the Platypus scurry about doing platypus-y things. She meets Harry, and they have a discussion.
HARRY: I think Draco knows.
GINNY: Of course he does.
HARRY: Why would you think that?
GINNY: Dunno. It makes sense.
HARRY: So he knows what we did?
GINNY: Yeah.
HARRY: He knows that we…(takes a deep breath)…were in the Restricted section???
GINNY: (sobbing by now) Of course! I needed to find out how to transfigure a beaver into a duck…and you helped me! You were so nice!
HARRY: Of course I was. I'm Harry Potter.
GINNY: And…when Ron came in, we were working out the spell, and….we turned him into a Platypus!!
HARRY: Gin, I'm so sorry!
GINNY: You'd better be!
HARRY: We should run away. Then no one will point at that ugly green thing on your chest.
GINNY: It's not ugly!
HARRY: Sure, if you sewed it in the dark.
GINNY: Shut up. Let's get your broom and go.
HARRY: We can't do that!
GINNY: Why not?
HARRY: Because…we need to make big, overdrawn plans that can easily be foiled by Malfoy and Snape!
GINNY: Oh, more plot stuff, right?
HARRY: By George, I think she's got it!
NARRATOR: Harry and Ginny made plans to leave on the Knight Bus the day after a big feast that was made for no real reason. Harry had become very weak. Draco was guilting him into getting really really sick. Just because. Harry was to make a speech at this feast, which was coincidentally prepared in his honor. It was a speech to end all speeches. It left the crowd in a hush. Suddenly, Draco made an outburst.
DRACO: An outburst!
NARRATOR: Just say something, stupid.
DRACO: Something, stupid.
NARRATOR: Draco!
DRACO: Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes. Harry Potter assisted the Underage Wizard!
(there are gasps from the Great Hall)
HARRY: Yes, I did. (he collapses on the floor from his prolonged Draco- induced illness)
GINNY: Oh no! You can't die!
NARRATOR: Too bad! He's gonna die.
GINNY: What? That stupid! You can't kill Harry Potter!
NARRATOR: Yes I can!
GINNY: No you can't!
NARRATOR: Yes I can!
HARRY: Actually, you can't. I don't feel like dying today. I think I'll live.
NARRATOR: You can't do that! This story has to end in a really stupid, sad way!
HARRY: Sorry. Not today, annoying Narrator person.
NARRATOR: Drat you!
HARRY: C'mon Gin, let's get out of here.
GINNY: Word to that.
(They hop on Harry's broom)
HERMIONE: Hey, that not how it's supposed to end! You're supposed to die, Harry! And so's Draco eventually. And Ron goes and marries some European person! And you, Ginny, live unhappily ever after, still wearing the Chartreuse Letter!
RON THE PLATYPUS: Hey! I'm still a platypus!
HARRY: Oh, sorry 'bout that. (waves wand) There ya go.
RON: I'm not a platypus anymore!
HERMIONE: This is all wrong! Doesn't anybody read Hawthorne?
RON: Sorry, Mione, I'm not complaining! I'm me again! Though I think it's time I lay my eggs…
HERMIONE: Argh! This is pointless! This is not supposed to be a happy ending!
NARRATOR: Agreed, Hermione! You're all supposed to be depressed.
HARRY: Oh well.
GINNY: Let's blow this Popsicle stand.
NARRATOR: I can't believe this…