~Angel~
As great as being with Buffy had been, I figured that the night would go
downhill when I saw Xander staring at me, darting his eyes towards the door
in a look that told me he wanted to talk to me alone. But as his subtle
gesture began getting less subtle, I finally sighed and shrugged, lifting
Buffy off my lap so that I could stand and walk out the door.
A moment later, Xander joined me. "Hey."
"Hi." I had trouble hiding the irritation in my voice. I had lifted the
most beautiful woman in the world off of my lap to talk to him? "What's this
about, Xander?"
"I'm sorry about, you know, looking at you," he began. "I just wanted to
talk to you about something. It's been bothering me for a while." He shoved
his hands in his pockets awkwardly and wandered over to the small sitting
table, sinking into a chair.
"All right." I sighed. "Is this about Cordelia falling in love with me?"
"What?!" he burst out.
I cracked a smile. "That was a joke."
He rolled his eyes heavenward. "I don't know which I should be more
concerned about-- the fact that you made a joke, or the fact that you had to
explain it to me." He paused, thinking, and then shrugged. "Anyway."
"Yeah, okay." I walked over and sat across from him. "What's going on?"
"I... Did something." He wasn't looking at me, and I smelled the distinct
aroma of fear coursing through his blood. A thousand thoughts flashed
through my mind at once-- what sort of thing could Xander have done to cause
him to fear me? Other than my being a vampire, that is. "I did something
that I think you should know about."
I pushed back a growl, determined not to jump to any conclusions. "Which
was?"
"It was a long time ago." His voice was ashamed and his hands fiddled with
each other. "When you were evil. You know, junior year when you and
Buffy..."
I grimaced, partly because I was annoyed that Xander had to be so privy to
Buffy's and my private life and partly because I didn't like to think back on
that time when I had hurt all of them so much. "Yes. I know. I remember."
"Well, that night... The night you went to Hell..." He trailed off, his face
white. His blood rushed faster through his veins. "I knew that Willow was
going to do the curse. I went to tell Buffy."
"And?"
"And I told her to kick your ass instead," he confessed in a rush. "I looked
at her and the words were on the tip of my tongue, but at the last second I
thought of you and the words came out differently. I wished that I could
take them back, later. I wished that I had given Buffy that choice, but I
couldn't go back. None of us could."
I looked at him incredulously. "And you've been carrying that around on your
conscience for ten years?"
"Yeah." He laughed weakly. "I wanted to say that I was sorry."
All right. To be honest, I thought about stringing the boy along for a
while. Making him feel guilty. It was that damn demon that I could never
seem to quite tame. Either that, or payback for years of calling me Deadboy.
But then I looked at him and remembered that I, too, knew what it was like
to have a sin on your soul, a sin that you couldn't confess. And more than
that, I knew what it was like to seek forgiveness and be pushed away.
So I shook my head. "Xander, Buffy and I have both known about that for
years. We figured it out, solved your evil plot."
"You did?" he asked, confused.
"Well, yeah." I lifted my shoulders. "Especially considering that Willow
told Buffy what she told you to tell her, right after Buffy got back from
her... Summer break."
"Oh," he said quietly, looking embarrassed. "Well, still. I'm sorry that I
did that. It was a stupid, selfish thing to do."
"I don't think so," I disagreed calmly. Xander's eyes snapped up to mine.
"Look, are you just messing around with me?"
"Not at all." I paused, trying to find the right way to explain it to him.
"Look. Hell was... Well, Hell. But I don't regret that Buffy went in there
intending on killing me. I was a demon, pure and simple. If she had let her
emotions get in the way, it would have been harder for her. After I pulled
that sword out, she probably wouldn't have been able to fight as well as she
did, knowing that I was about to get by soul back. I might have just played
on her weakness and killed her. And... That would be a different, private
kind of Hell. Maybe you thought of it as selfish, something you were doing
for yourself-- because you hated me-- but I don't. I think that deep down,
you might have known that Buffy could have gotten distracted that she might
have waited too long if she was hoping for my soul to come back. I think you
might have seen what I was doing to her, and wanted to spare her that
anymore."
He nodded slowly. "Well, I like that idea..."
"But you still feel guilty?" I guessed.
"A little."
"Think of it this way," I said diplomatically, "What would you have rather
happened that night?"
"True enough," he acknowledged. "And there's been plenty of times since that
I've wanted you dead."
"You're forgiven," I smirked, "But don't push it."
Xander smiled and nodded, standing. "It's a deal." He held out his hand and
I took it after a moment of surprise, shaking it firmly.
"No more Deadboy?" I asked as we began walking back to the apartment.
He grinned. "I said I was sorry for the past. I didn't make any promises
for the future."
* * * * * *
The night wound down and about an hour before sunrise, Buffy and I retreated
to Giles's bedroom to sleep. Buffy carefully closed the curtains, making
sure that no sunlight would stream in and burn me and then walked over,
curling against my side. Her hands found my hair, absently playing with it.
"This is nice."
"Yes." I pulled down her hand and kissed her fingertips. "You should get
some sleep. I know you're tired."
"Only a little," she lied and then yawned, mid-sentence. She giggled softly.
"Maybe a lot. But I don't want to..." She sighed. "Angel?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I ask you for something?"
"Anything." My whisper was lost in the dark, but I felt Buffy's smile
against my shoulder.
"Will you promise to be here when I wake up?"
My heart ached then, with that question and I realized that we had never
woken up together after having made love. I had never even thought about
what that must have been like for her, waking up alone when she should have
been resting comfortably in my arms. That fear, that emptiness it must have
brought. I held her a little closer, knowing that, while I couldn't right
past wrongs, I could lessen future ones from happening.
I kissed the top of her hair. "I promise."
"Good." She snuggled against me, her breath warm and light on my cheek.
"I'm going to kiss you now."
"I'm not going to stop you," I smiled. Her laughter was feathery against my
lips and she pressed her mouth to mine for a brief moment where all of my
worries almost faded away.
After a moment she pulled away and nestled in my arms again, her breath
becoming slow and steady, like the beating of her heart.
And just before the sun rose, I managed to fall asleep too.
* * * * * *
I woke up to find Buffy studying me silently. God, I could swim in that
beautiful blue-green. I leaned up and kissed her warmly and she sighed
against my mouth, her lashes grazing my cheek. When she pulled away, she
smiled brightly. "Morning."
"Morning. What time is it?"
She grimaced. "Almost ten. Everyone else is already awake, I can hear
them. We should get down there."
"I know," I agreed heavily, indicating that I didn't want to leave where I
was. Buffy laughed and slapped my thigh lightly.
"Come on."
"Curtains are closed?"
She glanced downstairs and shook her head. "No. Give me just a minute."
I watched her walk down the stairs, followed the lazy sway of her hips with
my eyes and smiled to myself. At least I had managed to keep my promise.
And although I knew it wouldn't ever match the kinds of things she did for
me, it would have to do for now, until I could figure out a better way to
make everything up to her.
"All right!" she called up the stairs and I made my way down.
Just as I reached the bottom, Oz threw open the door and stumbled inside.
The rest of us exchanged looks and Willow walked over to him, calming him
down until he explained that the woman who had been keeping the books Giles
needed was now lying, dead, on her kitchen floor. I groaned inwardly. That
poor woman.
I *knew* things had been going too smoothly.
Buffy met my eyes and silently indicated what she was going to do. With a
sigh, I nodded, knowing that there was nothing that I could say that would
keep her out of danger. All too quickly, they disappeared into the sunlight.
Where I couldn't follow.
As great as being with Buffy had been, I figured that the night would go
downhill when I saw Xander staring at me, darting his eyes towards the door
in a look that told me he wanted to talk to me alone. But as his subtle
gesture began getting less subtle, I finally sighed and shrugged, lifting
Buffy off my lap so that I could stand and walk out the door.
A moment later, Xander joined me. "Hey."
"Hi." I had trouble hiding the irritation in my voice. I had lifted the
most beautiful woman in the world off of my lap to talk to him? "What's this
about, Xander?"
"I'm sorry about, you know, looking at you," he began. "I just wanted to
talk to you about something. It's been bothering me for a while." He shoved
his hands in his pockets awkwardly and wandered over to the small sitting
table, sinking into a chair.
"All right." I sighed. "Is this about Cordelia falling in love with me?"
"What?!" he burst out.
I cracked a smile. "That was a joke."
He rolled his eyes heavenward. "I don't know which I should be more
concerned about-- the fact that you made a joke, or the fact that you had to
explain it to me." He paused, thinking, and then shrugged. "Anyway."
"Yeah, okay." I walked over and sat across from him. "What's going on?"
"I... Did something." He wasn't looking at me, and I smelled the distinct
aroma of fear coursing through his blood. A thousand thoughts flashed
through my mind at once-- what sort of thing could Xander have done to cause
him to fear me? Other than my being a vampire, that is. "I did something
that I think you should know about."
I pushed back a growl, determined not to jump to any conclusions. "Which
was?"
"It was a long time ago." His voice was ashamed and his hands fiddled with
each other. "When you were evil. You know, junior year when you and
Buffy..."
I grimaced, partly because I was annoyed that Xander had to be so privy to
Buffy's and my private life and partly because I didn't like to think back on
that time when I had hurt all of them so much. "Yes. I know. I remember."
"Well, that night... The night you went to Hell..." He trailed off, his face
white. His blood rushed faster through his veins. "I knew that Willow was
going to do the curse. I went to tell Buffy."
"And?"
"And I told her to kick your ass instead," he confessed in a rush. "I looked
at her and the words were on the tip of my tongue, but at the last second I
thought of you and the words came out differently. I wished that I could
take them back, later. I wished that I had given Buffy that choice, but I
couldn't go back. None of us could."
I looked at him incredulously. "And you've been carrying that around on your
conscience for ten years?"
"Yeah." He laughed weakly. "I wanted to say that I was sorry."
All right. To be honest, I thought about stringing the boy along for a
while. Making him feel guilty. It was that damn demon that I could never
seem to quite tame. Either that, or payback for years of calling me Deadboy.
But then I looked at him and remembered that I, too, knew what it was like
to have a sin on your soul, a sin that you couldn't confess. And more than
that, I knew what it was like to seek forgiveness and be pushed away.
So I shook my head. "Xander, Buffy and I have both known about that for
years. We figured it out, solved your evil plot."
"You did?" he asked, confused.
"Well, yeah." I lifted my shoulders. "Especially considering that Willow
told Buffy what she told you to tell her, right after Buffy got back from
her... Summer break."
"Oh," he said quietly, looking embarrassed. "Well, still. I'm sorry that I
did that. It was a stupid, selfish thing to do."
"I don't think so," I disagreed calmly. Xander's eyes snapped up to mine.
"Look, are you just messing around with me?"
"Not at all." I paused, trying to find the right way to explain it to him.
"Look. Hell was... Well, Hell. But I don't regret that Buffy went in there
intending on killing me. I was a demon, pure and simple. If she had let her
emotions get in the way, it would have been harder for her. After I pulled
that sword out, she probably wouldn't have been able to fight as well as she
did, knowing that I was about to get by soul back. I might have just played
on her weakness and killed her. And... That would be a different, private
kind of Hell. Maybe you thought of it as selfish, something you were doing
for yourself-- because you hated me-- but I don't. I think that deep down,
you might have known that Buffy could have gotten distracted that she might
have waited too long if she was hoping for my soul to come back. I think you
might have seen what I was doing to her, and wanted to spare her that
anymore."
He nodded slowly. "Well, I like that idea..."
"But you still feel guilty?" I guessed.
"A little."
"Think of it this way," I said diplomatically, "What would you have rather
happened that night?"
"True enough," he acknowledged. "And there's been plenty of times since that
I've wanted you dead."
"You're forgiven," I smirked, "But don't push it."
Xander smiled and nodded, standing. "It's a deal." He held out his hand and
I took it after a moment of surprise, shaking it firmly.
"No more Deadboy?" I asked as we began walking back to the apartment.
He grinned. "I said I was sorry for the past. I didn't make any promises
for the future."
* * * * * *
The night wound down and about an hour before sunrise, Buffy and I retreated
to Giles's bedroom to sleep. Buffy carefully closed the curtains, making
sure that no sunlight would stream in and burn me and then walked over,
curling against my side. Her hands found my hair, absently playing with it.
"This is nice."
"Yes." I pulled down her hand and kissed her fingertips. "You should get
some sleep. I know you're tired."
"Only a little," she lied and then yawned, mid-sentence. She giggled softly.
"Maybe a lot. But I don't want to..." She sighed. "Angel?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I ask you for something?"
"Anything." My whisper was lost in the dark, but I felt Buffy's smile
against my shoulder.
"Will you promise to be here when I wake up?"
My heart ached then, with that question and I realized that we had never
woken up together after having made love. I had never even thought about
what that must have been like for her, waking up alone when she should have
been resting comfortably in my arms. That fear, that emptiness it must have
brought. I held her a little closer, knowing that, while I couldn't right
past wrongs, I could lessen future ones from happening.
I kissed the top of her hair. "I promise."
"Good." She snuggled against me, her breath warm and light on my cheek.
"I'm going to kiss you now."
"I'm not going to stop you," I smiled. Her laughter was feathery against my
lips and she pressed her mouth to mine for a brief moment where all of my
worries almost faded away.
After a moment she pulled away and nestled in my arms again, her breath
becoming slow and steady, like the beating of her heart.
And just before the sun rose, I managed to fall asleep too.
* * * * * *
I woke up to find Buffy studying me silently. God, I could swim in that
beautiful blue-green. I leaned up and kissed her warmly and she sighed
against my mouth, her lashes grazing my cheek. When she pulled away, she
smiled brightly. "Morning."
"Morning. What time is it?"
She grimaced. "Almost ten. Everyone else is already awake, I can hear
them. We should get down there."
"I know," I agreed heavily, indicating that I didn't want to leave where I
was. Buffy laughed and slapped my thigh lightly.
"Come on."
"Curtains are closed?"
She glanced downstairs and shook her head. "No. Give me just a minute."
I watched her walk down the stairs, followed the lazy sway of her hips with
my eyes and smiled to myself. At least I had managed to keep my promise.
And although I knew it wouldn't ever match the kinds of things she did for
me, it would have to do for now, until I could figure out a better way to
make everything up to her.
"All right!" she called up the stairs and I made my way down.
Just as I reached the bottom, Oz threw open the door and stumbled inside.
The rest of us exchanged looks and Willow walked over to him, calming him
down until he explained that the woman who had been keeping the books Giles
needed was now lying, dead, on her kitchen floor. I groaned inwardly. That
poor woman.
I *knew* things had been going too smoothly.
Buffy met my eyes and silently indicated what she was going to do. With a
sigh, I nodded, knowing that there was nothing that I could say that would
keep her out of danger. All too quickly, they disappeared into the sunlight.
Where I couldn't follow.