~Cordelia: When An Ice Princess Melts~


I didn't let myself cry for a long time. Most of my childhood and
high-school years consisted of my shallow friends and shallow fun. But
then...

Then I grew up.

I actually used to pride myself on how I didn't let anything affect me, touch
me. On how I didn't let anything in. And I'm not really sure when it
happened-- whether it was falling in love with Xander or leaving him for LA
or if it was later, when Wesley died-- all I know is that now the floodgates
are open. Now I have a heart.

And as much as it annoys me sometimes, I can't stop myself from using it. I
think with it, let it rule me, which I suppose isn't the smartest thing to
do, but it feels smarter. Feels cleaner. Like I should have been doing it
all along. And now that I finally am... Well, I don't really know what I'm
supposed to do with my feelings. I've told Xander that I love him but now
what? Angel, Willow, Oz and Giles and Buffy? Am I supposed to approach them
each individually and tell them how important they've been to my life? How
much I love them?

Yeah, sure. I'm not *that* fluffy.

As if on cue, as if reading my mind, Giles cleared his throat. "I know we
need to get to work but, ah, I wanted to say something that I'm sure I don't
say often enough. I'm proud of you. Each one of you contributes something
irreplaceable and I just wanted to let everyone know that I realize that.
This battle isn't going to be easy-- they never were before-- but..."

He paused for a moment, looking around the room. I felt his eyes land on me
and I glanced up, warmed by the slight smile he flashed.

"But," he repeated softly, removing his glasses and looking down at them,
"I'm glad you're all here. I'm proud to know you. And I believe that we may
just get through this."

I felt suddenly cold at his last words, for some reason not believing them,
and heard Buffy sniffle from her place on the couch. Maybe I wasn't the only
one accepting Giles's vote of confidence.

But then I felt Xander's hand slide up my thigh from where it was resting on
my knee to take my hand. He squeezed and mouthed, 'I love you,' and looked
at me with those beautiful hazel eyes of his and just like that, the ice
around my heart melted. Just like that, with nothing but a tender touch from
someone who loved me, I felt warm again.

I felt like we could win.

Because with people like the ones that surrounded me, how could we lose?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~Oz: Choosing Your Mate~


There was a certain energy in the room that afternoon. A fear or
anticipation that pulsed in the atmosphere making each of our senses
heightened, our emotions more tender, our personal powers more deeply felt.
I was attuned to each of my friends as we sat around Giles's living room,
contemplating our futures. I could smell the intimacy that surrounded us
all, and the fright.

But most especially, I could feel Willow.

Wolves mate for life, I guess everyone knows that by now. But what people by
and large don't know is that-- both primitively and logically speaking-- we
choose that mate carefully. It has to be someone with whom we connect on the
most personal level, someone who's company we enjoy, someone who we love.
But most importantly, it has to be someone able to bring the underlying
fierceness to the surface, someone who summons the need to protect, whether
you mean regular wolves or the were-kind.

Willow was the only one who represented all of these things to me, the only
one who didn't expect me to be anyone but myself, whoever that was.

I've always had a certain persona that, don't get me wrong, I did nothing to
push away. But Willow, her friends-- my friends-- never expected that of me.
I was simply Oz. And they liked me.

*She* loved me.

Which would make any man, wolf or not, feel like the most important man in
the world. --Forget being President or Pope. You've got Willow Rosenberg,
man!--

Yes, I chose my mate. And I knew it would be for life. But the coolest
thing-- the really amazing thing that still makes me shake with happiness
when I looked at her even after all of these years-- is that when she knew it
was for life, when I asked her to marry me, she chose me back. She said yes.

And because it's for life, I won't ever be alone again. I'll never be
without her, whether I'm alive or dead. Whether we're miles apart or in as
close proximity as we were at that moment. And I wanted to tell her that as
I looked at her, but then she smiled at me and for the millionth time since
I've known her, I was struck speechless by her beauty and felt like the
luckiest person alive because I got to see it every day.

Then the moment where it was just Willow and me disappeared but, strangely
enough, I didn't feel sorry. Because she was still there and so was it. It
was just that everyone else had moved into the picture. And that was okay
with me.

It was okay with me because I realized in that second that I had mated with
all of them in a way too. They were part of my pack. And I was part of
theirs.

And knowing that gave me a lot of hope.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~Angel: The Secrets Of Souls~


In my years, I've perfected the habit of hearing everyone who speaks,
everything that they say and everything that matters while not really paying
any attention at all. I would know what I needed to know for the coming
night but no, my eyes were focused elsewhere. Where they were always focused
when I was around her. On Buffy.

She seemed sort of sad, her eyes a melted shade of blue and green, luminous
with tears as she paid rapt attention to what Giles was saying. And yet,
behind the tears, there was a certain pride deep down. Something that I knew
she wouldn't be sharing, secret thoughts that were just her own. Which was
fine with me. ...Buffy and I have always kept our secrets from one another.
It never mattered much; we always knew how the other felt and that was what
was important.

A small, secret sort of smile hovered around her lips, and she looked around
the room fondly. I waited and when her eyes finally landed on mine, I smiled
at her. My heart constricted when the smile evoked more tears. She reached
out and placed her deceptively fragile hand in mine and held on tightly,
harder than a human would have been able to take. Her lip trembled and I
lifted my free hand to stroke her hair, brushing my knuckles across her
cheek. Buffy shook her head at my unspoken question, keeping the small smile
firmly on her face.

It was overwhelming to me at times that it had been four long years since we
had last seen each other. All of those days imagining her face a breath away
from mine in anticipation of a kiss, all of those nights dreaming about the
day that we lost, those special secret hours that never really existed though
I can remember it all as clearly as if it just occurred. As a human, even as
most of my time as a vampire, I had never believed in soul mates until I met
Buffy.

It was strange and amazing, our relationship. Finding my soul mate when I
shouldn't even have a soul, finding the woman I was meant to be with who was
born over two hundred years after I was. Meeting the one person who could
give me true, total bliss and realizing that our love was forbidden in more
ways than one.

I'd never told her about the prophesy that said I would become human.
Somehow, every time the words had been on my lips, my voice refused to speak
them. Maybe it was because I knew it would hurt her too much, knowing that
it was possible that I would become the thing we'd both wished for millions
of times after she was gone.

Maybe I never said anything because... Because it hurt me too much.

And I didn't think, really, that I ever would. It was one of those secrets
that we kept from each other. On one hand, I knew that she would want to
know. And on the other, I knew that if she did it might kill her. Not
telling her was the lesser evil, I supposed.

And Giles talked on and I listened as I kept my eyes on Buffy. She looked
back at me steadily, with those big eyes of hers, so full of wisdom and
innocence all at once, and I heard the soft rhythm of her heart speed up a
little as we stayed locked in our shared glance.

And I wondered what secrets she was keeping from me.