Buffy bolted upright in bed, the sweat making her hair cling to the sides of
her face. She looked around for a moment, panicked, and then relaxed.
She reached up to brush some of the hair out
of her eyes and noticed a large, black bruise on the tender flesh of her arm.
She sagged in bed, tears filling her eyes.
Noticing the sunlight filtering through the edges of the shades, she yawned
and slowly got out from under the covers, ignoring the throbbing pain that
jolted in her head and throughout her body. She walked over to her closet
and began looking through her clothes, drawing her lip up in disgust at what
she found there.
Finally, in the back, she saw what she was looking for. She quickly pulled
out the large gray sweatshirt and slipped it on, and then the faded blue
jeans. She threw her hair up in a ponytail quickly, not bothering to brush
it. A glance at the clock told her that she was twenty minutes late.
Silently, she cursed at her mother for wanting her to stay home from school.
Snatching up her book bag in a hurry, she noticed an envelope lying on top,
her name in Angel's handwriting. Buffy tore it open quickly.
~Buffy, I came back, but didn't have the heart to wake you. You were finally
sleeping peacefully, and I can only thank God that He gave you that rest. I
know you well enough not to demand that you stay home, though I wish you
would, but I will ask you to call me or come over if you need anything. And
remember that I love you. Love, Angel.~
Buffy sniffed once and rubbed at her eyes impatiently. No time for tears.
She had to get to school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles raked back his hair and sat up, realizing that he'd fallen asleep. He
looked up to meet Buffy's amused face. "And you always get mad at me for
sleeping through school," she tried to joke.
Giles stifled a yawn and looked intently at her. "Why are you here today?"
She bristled. "Because I don't feel like being home and moping. And,
besides, I'm already healing. I'm getting my strength back, I can feel it."
She bit her lip and then continued. "It feels... nice."
"Good," he said softly.
She gave a small nod and then turned to leave for her first class. At the
door, she paused and looked back at him. Giles raised his eyebrows in
question. "By the way... Did you ever find out the reason that I lost my
strength?" she asked.
Giles opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Buffy looked closely at him
and then stepped further inside the office, shutting the door behind her.
"You do know something. Why didn't you tell me? When did you find out?"
He looked at his hands. "I've known all along," he whispered at length.
Her mouth was suddenly dry. Clutching the books to her chest, she walked
towards him and looked down at his ashamed face. "What do you mean?"
Giles stood and took off his glasses, cleaning them. He began to pace, his
words barely audible. "Whenever a Slayer reaches her eighteenth birthday, if
she does, she loses her powers for three days and three nights. She is then
tested to see if she has the will, drive, and mind needed in a Slayer. It
has been this way since the beginning of time. The Watcher's Council picks a
vampire for her to face and, upon killing him, they give her a free choice--
to remain a Slayer or not. If she chooses to relieve her duties, her power
is gone indefinitely, another is called and she lives a normal life. If not,
she is the Slayer as long as she lives." He stopped walking and looked at
her, regret written across his face.
"You are allowed to choose. Though the test was not completed, my superior
has agreed with me that it is no longer necessary." His eyes dipped from her
shocked face and he rushed on. "Buffy, you must understand that if I had
known this was going to happen, I would have ignored the Council's rules and
would have told you. As it was, I was having trouble not saying anything."
When he looked back up, large, silver tears were sliding down her cheeks.
Buffy stared at him, stunned. Her throat worked in silence and finally her
face crumpled. Giles started for her but stopped when she turned away. A
moment of silence passed.
And then she fled the room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The stares people were giving unnerved her. Buffy shrugged it off, running
through school. Some random boys whistled at her flight from whatever it was
she was running from, and the sound made her cry harder. She didn't want
attention. She didn't want boys to notice her, not anymore. She didn't want
anything.
Except to be in the one place she would feel safe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles stared after her as she ran from him. From everything, he supposed.
He wondered dimly if he should have told her the truth, or if it would have
been better to conceal this one piece of information, just one time. Would
she have been more suited to not knowing?
He sat back down at his desk and placed his head in his hands, the tears
coming freely. Too much sobbing, too much knowledge, too much of everything.
It hurt to know, and it hurt to be the one who told her. It hurt to betray
her.
A palm on his shoulder made him flinch, but he didn't shy away from the
touch. Xander spoke softly. "She knows you knew?"
Giles only nodded.
"I saw her, running away from school. I tried to talk to her, but she was
past hearing anything. It's going to be okay, Giles. It's not your fault,"
he whispered.
Giles looked up, his face haggard and traumatized. "It *is* my fault,
Xander. Had I told her, had I let her know what was happening to that body,
none of this would have happened. Don't you see it? Can't you see?"
Xander shook his head. "Hey, listen. This is a big blow to everyone, but
maybe especially to you, discounting Angel like I always do. I guess it's...
normal that you're blaming yourself, but that's really not gonna help
anything, you know? You just have to-- We just have to all find a way past
this. Right now, Buffy's going to a place where she's past everything.
Maybe you need to go find her there."
Giles locked eyes with the boy and slowly nodded. He stood back up.
"Perhaps I should."
"Okay." Xander gave a slight smile and Giles returned it, marveling at how,
though he was certainly not easy on the boy, Xander always managed to come
through in the end.
"And Xander?"
"Yeah?" Xander looked at him quizzically.
"Thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She didn't bother knocking on the door. Opening the heavy cement barely
winded her and she smiled sadly. Her tears had dried on her cheeks, but
inside it was different. Inside, she would always be crying, always be
broken. Silently, Buffy crept into Angel's room and walked over to the bed,
looking down at him.
His eyes fluttered open and caught hers. After a moment, he opened his arms
and Buffy crawled into bed beside him, settling into his embrace. His arms
were cool, strong. Buffy wound her hands around his back and rested them on
his shoulders. He kissed her temple. "Why did you wake up?" she whispered.
"I smelled you. It's okay. I was dreaming about this anyway." A small
smile lifted his mouth and Buffy looked at him with tears brimming her eyes.
His smile vanished. "What happened?"
She fell apart, hugging him fiercely. "Giles," she sobbed into his chest,
"He... He..."
Angel was alarmed. "Buffy, tell me," he prodded gently.
"He knew," she choked. "He knew that I was going to lose my strength and he
didn't tell me. He... I don't want to blame him, I don't. I lo- love Giles.
But he *knew* and I can't stop thinking that... It... It wouldn't have
happened. If he had told me. If I had known enough to not walk home alone."
Angel's eyes glittered darkly, painfully. "He didn't know, Buffy, what would
happen. Dammit, I should have walked you home, no matter what you said. I
should have been there..."
Her head jerked up. "No, not you. It's not your fault. Please." Her gaze,
moist and terrified, pleaded with him.
Angel looked down at her, nestled in his arms, and felt a rush of love.
Something stronger than ever before ran through his blood and he tightened
his hold on her. "If it's not my fault because I didn't walk you home, why
is it Giles's fault because he didn't tell you?" he asked softly. "It's
their fault, theirs. Not yours, Buffy. Not Giles's."
"Not yours," she said, agreeing with him silently. Her next word hissed.
"Them."
Their mouths met tenderly, brushing the sadness away for one fleeting moment.
His hand rubbed her back soothingly as the kiss deepened and Buffy smiled
against his mouth.
She broke away with a horrified moan.
"Buffy?"
"Just.... hold me?" It was a question, though Angel didn't know why she
would ever doubt something like that. He nodded. "And make the thoughts go
away."
Angel lifted the bedspread up to cover her too. Resting his chin on the top
of her hair, he nodded again and held her closer. "I'll do my best."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles ignored the thought that he was entering a place where he didn't have
permission to, a place where, under most circumstances, he didn't want to be
and wasn't welcome. Shoving that small voice inside his head away, he walked
through the drafty mansion, keeping his eyes peeled for Buffy.
At length, he walked into Angel's room and stopped mid-stride.
For a long moment, he stared at Buffy, wrapped comfortably in Angel's arms,
sleeping. Her hair was spread across both her face and Angel's, and littered
the pillow with gold. A sudden grin lifted his features as he noticed
Buffy's smile; Content, peaceful, satisfied.
Angel's eyes opened and Giles took a step back, startled. But the vampire
merely gave a small, almost imperceptible shake of his head as his eyes
gestured for Giles to take the chair positioned on Buffy's side of the bed.
Giles nodded in thanks and sat. Angel closed his eyes again, pleased, and
ran his fingers through Buffy's hair. Giles sat back as his eyes drifted
closed.
And silence reigned.
her face. She looked around for a moment, panicked, and then relaxed.
She reached up to brush some of the hair out
of her eyes and noticed a large, black bruise on the tender flesh of her arm.
She sagged in bed, tears filling her eyes.
Noticing the sunlight filtering through the edges of the shades, she yawned
and slowly got out from under the covers, ignoring the throbbing pain that
jolted in her head and throughout her body. She walked over to her closet
and began looking through her clothes, drawing her lip up in disgust at what
she found there.
Finally, in the back, she saw what she was looking for. She quickly pulled
out the large gray sweatshirt and slipped it on, and then the faded blue
jeans. She threw her hair up in a ponytail quickly, not bothering to brush
it. A glance at the clock told her that she was twenty minutes late.
Silently, she cursed at her mother for wanting her to stay home from school.
Snatching up her book bag in a hurry, she noticed an envelope lying on top,
her name in Angel's handwriting. Buffy tore it open quickly.
~Buffy, I came back, but didn't have the heart to wake you. You were finally
sleeping peacefully, and I can only thank God that He gave you that rest. I
know you well enough not to demand that you stay home, though I wish you
would, but I will ask you to call me or come over if you need anything. And
remember that I love you. Love, Angel.~
Buffy sniffed once and rubbed at her eyes impatiently. No time for tears.
She had to get to school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles raked back his hair and sat up, realizing that he'd fallen asleep. He
looked up to meet Buffy's amused face. "And you always get mad at me for
sleeping through school," she tried to joke.
Giles stifled a yawn and looked intently at her. "Why are you here today?"
She bristled. "Because I don't feel like being home and moping. And,
besides, I'm already healing. I'm getting my strength back, I can feel it."
She bit her lip and then continued. "It feels... nice."
"Good," he said softly.
She gave a small nod and then turned to leave for her first class. At the
door, she paused and looked back at him. Giles raised his eyebrows in
question. "By the way... Did you ever find out the reason that I lost my
strength?" she asked.
Giles opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Buffy looked closely at him
and then stepped further inside the office, shutting the door behind her.
"You do know something. Why didn't you tell me? When did you find out?"
He looked at his hands. "I've known all along," he whispered at length.
Her mouth was suddenly dry. Clutching the books to her chest, she walked
towards him and looked down at his ashamed face. "What do you mean?"
Giles stood and took off his glasses, cleaning them. He began to pace, his
words barely audible. "Whenever a Slayer reaches her eighteenth birthday, if
she does, she loses her powers for three days and three nights. She is then
tested to see if she has the will, drive, and mind needed in a Slayer. It
has been this way since the beginning of time. The Watcher's Council picks a
vampire for her to face and, upon killing him, they give her a free choice--
to remain a Slayer or not. If she chooses to relieve her duties, her power
is gone indefinitely, another is called and she lives a normal life. If not,
she is the Slayer as long as she lives." He stopped walking and looked at
her, regret written across his face.
"You are allowed to choose. Though the test was not completed, my superior
has agreed with me that it is no longer necessary." His eyes dipped from her
shocked face and he rushed on. "Buffy, you must understand that if I had
known this was going to happen, I would have ignored the Council's rules and
would have told you. As it was, I was having trouble not saying anything."
When he looked back up, large, silver tears were sliding down her cheeks.
Buffy stared at him, stunned. Her throat worked in silence and finally her
face crumpled. Giles started for her but stopped when she turned away. A
moment of silence passed.
And then she fled the room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The stares people were giving unnerved her. Buffy shrugged it off, running
through school. Some random boys whistled at her flight from whatever it was
she was running from, and the sound made her cry harder. She didn't want
attention. She didn't want boys to notice her, not anymore. She didn't want
anything.
Except to be in the one place she would feel safe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles stared after her as she ran from him. From everything, he supposed.
He wondered dimly if he should have told her the truth, or if it would have
been better to conceal this one piece of information, just one time. Would
she have been more suited to not knowing?
He sat back down at his desk and placed his head in his hands, the tears
coming freely. Too much sobbing, too much knowledge, too much of everything.
It hurt to know, and it hurt to be the one who told her. It hurt to betray
her.
A palm on his shoulder made him flinch, but he didn't shy away from the
touch. Xander spoke softly. "She knows you knew?"
Giles only nodded.
"I saw her, running away from school. I tried to talk to her, but she was
past hearing anything. It's going to be okay, Giles. It's not your fault,"
he whispered.
Giles looked up, his face haggard and traumatized. "It *is* my fault,
Xander. Had I told her, had I let her know what was happening to that body,
none of this would have happened. Don't you see it? Can't you see?"
Xander shook his head. "Hey, listen. This is a big blow to everyone, but
maybe especially to you, discounting Angel like I always do. I guess it's...
normal that you're blaming yourself, but that's really not gonna help
anything, you know? You just have to-- We just have to all find a way past
this. Right now, Buffy's going to a place where she's past everything.
Maybe you need to go find her there."
Giles locked eyes with the boy and slowly nodded. He stood back up.
"Perhaps I should."
"Okay." Xander gave a slight smile and Giles returned it, marveling at how,
though he was certainly not easy on the boy, Xander always managed to come
through in the end.
"And Xander?"
"Yeah?" Xander looked at him quizzically.
"Thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She didn't bother knocking on the door. Opening the heavy cement barely
winded her and she smiled sadly. Her tears had dried on her cheeks, but
inside it was different. Inside, she would always be crying, always be
broken. Silently, Buffy crept into Angel's room and walked over to the bed,
looking down at him.
His eyes fluttered open and caught hers. After a moment, he opened his arms
and Buffy crawled into bed beside him, settling into his embrace. His arms
were cool, strong. Buffy wound her hands around his back and rested them on
his shoulders. He kissed her temple. "Why did you wake up?" she whispered.
"I smelled you. It's okay. I was dreaming about this anyway." A small
smile lifted his mouth and Buffy looked at him with tears brimming her eyes.
His smile vanished. "What happened?"
She fell apart, hugging him fiercely. "Giles," she sobbed into his chest,
"He... He..."
Angel was alarmed. "Buffy, tell me," he prodded gently.
"He knew," she choked. "He knew that I was going to lose my strength and he
didn't tell me. He... I don't want to blame him, I don't. I lo- love Giles.
But he *knew* and I can't stop thinking that... It... It wouldn't have
happened. If he had told me. If I had known enough to not walk home alone."
Angel's eyes glittered darkly, painfully. "He didn't know, Buffy, what would
happen. Dammit, I should have walked you home, no matter what you said. I
should have been there..."
Her head jerked up. "No, not you. It's not your fault. Please." Her gaze,
moist and terrified, pleaded with him.
Angel looked down at her, nestled in his arms, and felt a rush of love.
Something stronger than ever before ran through his blood and he tightened
his hold on her. "If it's not my fault because I didn't walk you home, why
is it Giles's fault because he didn't tell you?" he asked softly. "It's
their fault, theirs. Not yours, Buffy. Not Giles's."
"Not yours," she said, agreeing with him silently. Her next word hissed.
"Them."
Their mouths met tenderly, brushing the sadness away for one fleeting moment.
His hand rubbed her back soothingly as the kiss deepened and Buffy smiled
against his mouth.
She broke away with a horrified moan.
"Buffy?"
"Just.... hold me?" It was a question, though Angel didn't know why she
would ever doubt something like that. He nodded. "And make the thoughts go
away."
Angel lifted the bedspread up to cover her too. Resting his chin on the top
of her hair, he nodded again and held her closer. "I'll do my best."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles ignored the thought that he was entering a place where he didn't have
permission to, a place where, under most circumstances, he didn't want to be
and wasn't welcome. Shoving that small voice inside his head away, he walked
through the drafty mansion, keeping his eyes peeled for Buffy.
At length, he walked into Angel's room and stopped mid-stride.
For a long moment, he stared at Buffy, wrapped comfortably in Angel's arms,
sleeping. Her hair was spread across both her face and Angel's, and littered
the pillow with gold. A sudden grin lifted his features as he noticed
Buffy's smile; Content, peaceful, satisfied.
Angel's eyes opened and Giles took a step back, startled. But the vampire
merely gave a small, almost imperceptible shake of his head as his eyes
gestured for Giles to take the chair positioned on Buffy's side of the bed.
Giles nodded in thanks and sat. Angel closed his eyes again, pleased, and
ran his fingers through Buffy's hair. Giles sat back as his eyes drifted
closed.
And silence reigned.