Author's Note: Hmm, so what is James' surefire plan? "Do you trust me" hehe, I've been watching too much Aladdin for sure!

I'm also quite mad at fan fiction.net because I updated al these things and now it won't let me see my precious reviews! Life is so unfair sometimes!

Disclaimer: It all belongs to J.K. Rowling and I don't claim to own any of it besides what was previously mentioned in Part One and Part Two.

Right now I want to kick myself because I was almost done with the chapter and word prossessor close up AGAIN!

Ridiculous

By: the Bumbling Firefly

"Excuse me?" Lily asked in obvious disbelief. "The last time you said 'do you trust me' I ended up swimming back to Hogwarts from the middle of the lake."

"Okay, so maybe those weren't the words I wanted," James admitted with at grin. "But I won't do anything so stupid now."

"Yeah right," Lily sighed. "Okay, so what is your super plan?"

"Well," James paused waiting for a drum roll. Lily only tapped her feet impatiently.

"What?" Lily demanded.

"Hold on," James said. "It's a bloody brilliant idea. Though even a genius takes his time…We could pretend to be fiancées."

"What?" Lily gasped in outrage. "I could have come up with a better idea than that!"

"Hey," defended James. "I was working in a short time frame here!"

"Fine," Lily sighed. "But we should probably look the part."

"Yeah, I guess," James admitted. He stealthily crept to Lily's seat. She barely resisted laughing.

"Do you think they noticed?" he asked when they were finally nose to nose.

"No," Lily whispered. "But why am I pressed against the wall."

"We have to look the part, dear, sweet, innocent Lily," James grinned. "Besides, it's fun making you mad and knowing you can't blow a gasket without giving up the ruse."

"You're impossible, did you know that?" Lily asked.

"It's one of my charming trademarks," James grinned dashingly. "Besides I'm being all heroic and making tremendous sacrifices…"

"What?" said Lily.

"As I was saying, before you rudely interrupted, I'm making a tremendous sacrifice- for instance, while we sit here blathering about nothing my perfect cheesiness of a grilled cheese is getting cold." His tone was one of martyrdom.

"Well, excuse me, your highness," Lily said huffily.

"You're excused," said James with calm authority.

"You are an idiot, did you know that?"

"Yes."

"Now shut-up before you expose our fiasco. Do you want to get caught?"

"Maybe," James said grinning. "After all, we all know the real reason as to why we are like this."

"Why?" asked Lily instantly regretting the words as soon as they were out of her mouth.

"Because you want me," James said with another dashing grin of his.

"Oh yes, James. I want you, I need you," Lily said sarcastically. "Now shut-up."

"Lily, I feel like you don't love me," he wailed.

"Before you die, James," Lily said through gritted teeth.

"I'm not going to die," James said with false assurance.

"If you don't have a death wish then you'll shut-up." The vehemence with which she spoke did quiet James rather immediately. He almost felt lucky to have his life.

Lily thought in silence for a few minutes, trying to see if there was a lose end in their charade. She wondered how James and she could battle in light animosity and then suddenly help each other out of jams. James was nice, she conceded. -But ugh!- Lily thought. -Oh dear god don't let me go there! I'm not that desperate-

"James?" she ventured a little while later after James had got himself into a stupor.

"Yeah?" James asked bringing his glazed eyes to Lily.

"I don't want to kiss you or anything," she began ('Yeah right,' said James. 'Shut-up' answered Lily), "As I was saying. I don't want to kiss you or anything but don't you think you should have some lipstick on you or something. Even though all those ads say that the lipstick doesn't smudge but I know mine to be infallible. Mike would never believe it in a moment."

"So you want me to kiss you," James asked with a debonair look. "Aren't you the one who damned near killed me in sixth year during detention with Professor Sprout when I tried to-"

"Shut-up James," Lily said. "No, I'll just smudge it on your face. You don't mind my spit, do you?"

"No," James said. "Although in fifth year I do recall being blinded by someone's spittle flying at me during Transfiguration-"

"Will you ever be quiet?" Lily demanded anxiously she wet her lips. James heard her mutter something suspiciously like 'I don't know why I let him talk me into this'.

"You know," James started, trying to keep things friendly, as Lily smudged her lipstick around his mouth, "this is almost like your kissing me."

Lily stopped short and stared at him. "Yeah, well this is all the action you're going to get from me Potter. I happen to have morals unlike that Parisian bombshell over there."

"Felicity?" James asked. "Felicity is horrible during well, um- you know."

"James," Lily said sharply. She felt a weird feeling at the bottom of her stomach. "Don't you ever say such a thing to me again." -It's not jealousy- Lily reassured herself.

"Sorry, Lily," James apologized. "I'm sure you're much better." -Oh, shit- James thought -I've put my foot in it again-

"I wouldn't know," said Lily virtuously. "And you wouldn't either."

"Sorry about that, Lily," James said again.

"It's okay." Lily was quiet again and James' eyes glazed over as he thought longingly of his now cold grilled cheese.

"James," Lily said in his ear. "Potter."

"Huh, what?" James groaned.

"Do you think they've gone?"

"I sure as hell don't know," James gritted his teeth. Oh, what he did for old acquaintances! "Check- no wait. You're hair isn't messy."

"And yours is," Lily stated in a matter-of-fact tone. "What's your point."

"Every time I snog someone," ('You didn't snog anyone' Lily said 'Will you shut-up' said James), "Anyway, as I was saying. Every time I snog someone their hair is always, ALWAYS a mess. I this thing you know-"

"I don't care about your thing," Lily said, annoyed (though it was more for the fact that she DID want to know rather than didn't.) "Just mess up my hair."

"Fine," James grumbled. "The things I do for you. You owe me two giant gingerbread cookies."

"Fine," Lily grumbled too. She looked over his shoulder. "They're sitting in a booth to our far right."

"Let's go greet the ex's," James said with a grin.

"James, you aren't going to make a fool out of us are you?"

"Who me?" gasped James with mock outrage. "Would I ever make a fool out of our most serious relationship? Never."

"Yes," was all Lily said. -I thought as much- she added in her head. -I just wish that the feeling of his arms around me didn't feel so good-

"Take a chill, Lily," James said, for once no mischief in his eyes. "Like you said before, only disasters and James Potter are allowed to get Lily Evans. It's time for your revenge!"