The night whistled softly, the trees swaying overhead. Xander cursed at
himself for having been stupid enough to have gone out. Walking.
He really was, he knew.
But no matter, he was at his destination. He knocked on the door quickly,
two soft raps and three sharp ones, and smiled when Willow answered. It was
the way he had always knocked on their door. She smiled at him but remained
silent.
Xander got the picture, stepping inside without an invitation. Her smile
grew, and she gestured upstairs. They walked in silence to her bedroom, and
then she looked at him curiously. "What's up?"
He shrugged, falling on her bed and looking up at her ceiling. She sat down
next to him. "Xander?"
He sighed. "I wanted to see you. I feel like I needed to see you, that's
all."
Her eyebrows arched. "Be more specific?"
Xander rolled onto his side to face her. "Do you feel like we're still
friends?"
"Of course," she answered instantly.
"Do you really?" he pressed. "Because I don't sometimes. Especially lately.
With the whole... You and me thing, and the you and Oz and me and Cordelia
thing and now the Buffy thing, it's getting harder to keep up appearances."
She looked stung. "Appearances? Is that what this is to you?"
"No," he said, disgusted with himself for putting that look into her eyes for
the hundredth time. "But don't you feel like it's sort of tense between us?
Like-- Our, your no touching rule. And I just want to feel like, with
everything bad that's happening, we're still friends. That I can touch you
and you can touch me and everything will be fine again...." Xander trailed
off, not looking at her.
"But, Xander," she started softly, "It can never be like it used to be.
Things were changing a long time before you noticed that they were. And
we're not kids anymore. A tug on my braid or me kissing your Band-Aid where
you scraped your arm isn't going to make things instantly better between us
or anything."
He picked at her bedspread absentmindedly. "I know, but--"
Willow interrupted him. "It's okay to have things change. Sometimes they go
the way you hoped, and sometimes they take a different turn, but that's not
always bad. And I'm still your friend." Her hand fell on his, stilling in
from tearing up her covers. "It just can't be the same. Is that okay? That
things are different?"
He nodded slowly. "As long as one thing-- the us, being friends thing-- is
the same. I don't think I could stand to lose you, Will."
She smiled. "What really brought you here tonight?"
He looked down again. "Buffy. I was thinking... And it's bad, I know it's
bad, but I can't even imagine what I'd do if it had been you. God, I feel
sick saying that, but you're more to me than anyone else is. Even as much as
I love Buffy. It's just... more," he whispered. "And I started thinking
that, if anything bad did happen to you, I'd want to be the one you went to
about it. I'd want to be the one you could turn to. Because right now I
don't feel like I am, I feel like you've been pulling away from me. The only
time I felt close to you recently was..."
"When we kissed," she finished for him. He nodded.
"I felt that way too," Willow confessed. "Maybe that's why we did it. You
know? To find some of the closeness that we used to have, something we had
lost. I don't know. It was crazy and stupid and--"
"Great, and yet more crazy," he broke in.
She nodded. "It was great," she conceded, "And yet more crazy. But it made
us feel close again. It just wasn't in the way we had planned or the way
that was right. Listen, I learned something from Buffy today."
Xander nodded. "Which was?"
"That being close is something special. It's something people have to work
for and keep working for, even after you think you've achieved it. I've
known you my whole life, Xander, and so much of me is wrapped up in you and
our memories, but that doesn't mean that I know who you are, completely, or
who you're going to be in ten years or twenty. It's something we have to
keep striving for. I *want* to be close to you. I *want* to be your best
friend. I don't want to mistake what... we had going on for the kind of
closeness that we have always had and the kind that we need. Because I do
need you. I love you."
Xander's eyes glittered and he sat up, putting his arms around her and
holding her close for a moment. "I love you too, Will. And I'll work on it
if you'll do the same."
She hugged him closer, whispering into his shoulder. "I promise."
"Me too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles rang the doorbell, glad that Buffy had gone over to Angel's house.
Joyce opened the door and he smiled at her, stepping inside. "Hello, Joyce."
She looked surprised. "Hello, Giles. Buffy's out."
"I know." He looked around. "I wish to speak to you, if that's all right."
Joyce nodded, gesturing to the living room. They walked over to the couch
and sat down. Joyce folded her hands nervously. "What's going on?" She
didn't hide the tremor in her voice.
Giles cleared his throat. "I'm working on... something. And I wanted to
tell you.. It seems silly now. I suppose it is. I wanted to tell you that
things are under control. I'm making quite sure of it. It may take a while,
but things will end well. I'm almost sure of it."
Joyce leaned back against the couch. "I believe you. And I know I
shouldn't, because... Well, I can think of twenty reasons off the top of my
head, number one being that you and Buffy lied to me for three years, but I
do believe you." She touched his arm, something like understanding in her
eyes. "Thank you."
He nodded, his throat working silently as he studied the surroundings that
his Slayer lived in. Such a personal space, the home. Where Buffy got away
from destiny and pain and power. Where she allowed herself to be a child, to
grieve about heartbreaks and laugh about nothing with her friends. He smiled
sadly.
Home was a nice place to be.
"Giles?"
He turned and looked at her. "Yes?"
"You really love Buffy, don't you?" The corners of her mouth turned up when
he nodded slowly.
Her voice came out a whisper. "Thank you for that too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel stirred, his brow knitted. Buffy poked him again. And again. And
again.
Finally he sat up, biting back a growl of annoyance. His eyes locked with
hers and he softened, opening his arms to beckon her into his embrace. She
snuggled into them.
"God, I thought vampires were supposed to be light sleepers," she mumbled.
Angel smiled against her hair. "You forget that we're also dead."
She shook her head against his chest. "I didn't forget. I just never
realized... how heavily you sleep, I think." I'm almost always asleep when
you are, at least when we're together. Well, except when I woke you up the
other day."
"Oh, I hadn't really been sleeping," he admitted, "Just thinking. About you,
and things. How are you feeling?"
"Better," she whispered. "I told Will some stuff, I hope you don't mind,
about us and how I was feeling. I don't think I've really talked about the
us thing before, not in a descriptive way. Are you mad?"
He looked down at her. "Not mad. Uh, how descriptive?"
A grin flickered over Buffy's face. "Not *that* descriptive. Just about,
you know, how being with you made me feel and how it was different from...
them."
His hand smoothed back her hair, his fingers slipping into the silkiness of
it and tangling though her blond locks. "It's okay. You tell Willow
anything you want to. What happened with us didn't just happen to me. So I
think I understand."
She lifted her head; kissed his collarbone. "Thanks."
"Buffy?" he asked after a moment.
"Hmm?"
"Does it hurt less now? I mean, it's only been a few days, really, but...
Maybe I shouldn't ask."
"No," she disagreed softly, "It's okay for you to ask. That's the same thing
I told Willow. It's like... I trust you guys. I trust all of you guys.
Just because Xander and Giles and Oz haven't asked anything like that doesn't
mean I wouldn't tell them. You guys say that I save your lives a lot, but
you do the same for me, maybe without realizing it."
She paused, realizing she was getting off topic. "Anyway. Yeah. Sort of.
It's kind of still... dull inside. Like I'm really groggy from sleep that
had a really bad nightmare in it. But, I think I'm waking up. I mean, I
hope I am." Her hand slid up with a feather-light touch, stroking his cheek.
"I love you, Angel."
"I love you too, Buffy," he murmured huskily.
They laid back on the bed, still in each other's arms. "I miss this," she
confessed.
"I do too. Miss being close, that is," he said, trying to find the right
words.
"Yeah." She hesitated. "Thank you for the birthday present."
"The book?"
"Okay, sure," she grinned. Angel laughed, and she continued. "No, really.
It was sweet. I'm sorry it... got all torn up."
He kissed her forehead tenderly, loving her and wanting to weep for her at
the same time. "I'm sorry that you did, too."
Buffy wiggled in his arms, and it took him a moment to realize she had been
shrugging. "You know what though, Angel?"
He smiled, mirroring her own smile. "What?"
"I won't be... totally... at least until.." She stumbled over her words for a
moment and then she smiled again; wider, brighter than before. "I think I'm
healing."
himself for having been stupid enough to have gone out. Walking.
He really was, he knew.
But no matter, he was at his destination. He knocked on the door quickly,
two soft raps and three sharp ones, and smiled when Willow answered. It was
the way he had always knocked on their door. She smiled at him but remained
silent.
Xander got the picture, stepping inside without an invitation. Her smile
grew, and she gestured upstairs. They walked in silence to her bedroom, and
then she looked at him curiously. "What's up?"
He shrugged, falling on her bed and looking up at her ceiling. She sat down
next to him. "Xander?"
He sighed. "I wanted to see you. I feel like I needed to see you, that's
all."
Her eyebrows arched. "Be more specific?"
Xander rolled onto his side to face her. "Do you feel like we're still
friends?"
"Of course," she answered instantly.
"Do you really?" he pressed. "Because I don't sometimes. Especially lately.
With the whole... You and me thing, and the you and Oz and me and Cordelia
thing and now the Buffy thing, it's getting harder to keep up appearances."
She looked stung. "Appearances? Is that what this is to you?"
"No," he said, disgusted with himself for putting that look into her eyes for
the hundredth time. "But don't you feel like it's sort of tense between us?
Like-- Our, your no touching rule. And I just want to feel like, with
everything bad that's happening, we're still friends. That I can touch you
and you can touch me and everything will be fine again...." Xander trailed
off, not looking at her.
"But, Xander," she started softly, "It can never be like it used to be.
Things were changing a long time before you noticed that they were. And
we're not kids anymore. A tug on my braid or me kissing your Band-Aid where
you scraped your arm isn't going to make things instantly better between us
or anything."
He picked at her bedspread absentmindedly. "I know, but--"
Willow interrupted him. "It's okay to have things change. Sometimes they go
the way you hoped, and sometimes they take a different turn, but that's not
always bad. And I'm still your friend." Her hand fell on his, stilling in
from tearing up her covers. "It just can't be the same. Is that okay? That
things are different?"
He nodded slowly. "As long as one thing-- the us, being friends thing-- is
the same. I don't think I could stand to lose you, Will."
She smiled. "What really brought you here tonight?"
He looked down again. "Buffy. I was thinking... And it's bad, I know it's
bad, but I can't even imagine what I'd do if it had been you. God, I feel
sick saying that, but you're more to me than anyone else is. Even as much as
I love Buffy. It's just... more," he whispered. "And I started thinking
that, if anything bad did happen to you, I'd want to be the one you went to
about it. I'd want to be the one you could turn to. Because right now I
don't feel like I am, I feel like you've been pulling away from me. The only
time I felt close to you recently was..."
"When we kissed," she finished for him. He nodded.
"I felt that way too," Willow confessed. "Maybe that's why we did it. You
know? To find some of the closeness that we used to have, something we had
lost. I don't know. It was crazy and stupid and--"
"Great, and yet more crazy," he broke in.
She nodded. "It was great," she conceded, "And yet more crazy. But it made
us feel close again. It just wasn't in the way we had planned or the way
that was right. Listen, I learned something from Buffy today."
Xander nodded. "Which was?"
"That being close is something special. It's something people have to work
for and keep working for, even after you think you've achieved it. I've
known you my whole life, Xander, and so much of me is wrapped up in you and
our memories, but that doesn't mean that I know who you are, completely, or
who you're going to be in ten years or twenty. It's something we have to
keep striving for. I *want* to be close to you. I *want* to be your best
friend. I don't want to mistake what... we had going on for the kind of
closeness that we have always had and the kind that we need. Because I do
need you. I love you."
Xander's eyes glittered and he sat up, putting his arms around her and
holding her close for a moment. "I love you too, Will. And I'll work on it
if you'll do the same."
She hugged him closer, whispering into his shoulder. "I promise."
"Me too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles rang the doorbell, glad that Buffy had gone over to Angel's house.
Joyce opened the door and he smiled at her, stepping inside. "Hello, Joyce."
She looked surprised. "Hello, Giles. Buffy's out."
"I know." He looked around. "I wish to speak to you, if that's all right."
Joyce nodded, gesturing to the living room. They walked over to the couch
and sat down. Joyce folded her hands nervously. "What's going on?" She
didn't hide the tremor in her voice.
Giles cleared his throat. "I'm working on... something. And I wanted to
tell you.. It seems silly now. I suppose it is. I wanted to tell you that
things are under control. I'm making quite sure of it. It may take a while,
but things will end well. I'm almost sure of it."
Joyce leaned back against the couch. "I believe you. And I know I
shouldn't, because... Well, I can think of twenty reasons off the top of my
head, number one being that you and Buffy lied to me for three years, but I
do believe you." She touched his arm, something like understanding in her
eyes. "Thank you."
He nodded, his throat working silently as he studied the surroundings that
his Slayer lived in. Such a personal space, the home. Where Buffy got away
from destiny and pain and power. Where she allowed herself to be a child, to
grieve about heartbreaks and laugh about nothing with her friends. He smiled
sadly.
Home was a nice place to be.
"Giles?"
He turned and looked at her. "Yes?"
"You really love Buffy, don't you?" The corners of her mouth turned up when
he nodded slowly.
Her voice came out a whisper. "Thank you for that too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel stirred, his brow knitted. Buffy poked him again. And again. And
again.
Finally he sat up, biting back a growl of annoyance. His eyes locked with
hers and he softened, opening his arms to beckon her into his embrace. She
snuggled into them.
"God, I thought vampires were supposed to be light sleepers," she mumbled.
Angel smiled against her hair. "You forget that we're also dead."
She shook her head against his chest. "I didn't forget. I just never
realized... how heavily you sleep, I think." I'm almost always asleep when
you are, at least when we're together. Well, except when I woke you up the
other day."
"Oh, I hadn't really been sleeping," he admitted, "Just thinking. About you,
and things. How are you feeling?"
"Better," she whispered. "I told Will some stuff, I hope you don't mind,
about us and how I was feeling. I don't think I've really talked about the
us thing before, not in a descriptive way. Are you mad?"
He looked down at her. "Not mad. Uh, how descriptive?"
A grin flickered over Buffy's face. "Not *that* descriptive. Just about,
you know, how being with you made me feel and how it was different from...
them."
His hand smoothed back her hair, his fingers slipping into the silkiness of
it and tangling though her blond locks. "It's okay. You tell Willow
anything you want to. What happened with us didn't just happen to me. So I
think I understand."
She lifted her head; kissed his collarbone. "Thanks."
"Buffy?" he asked after a moment.
"Hmm?"
"Does it hurt less now? I mean, it's only been a few days, really, but...
Maybe I shouldn't ask."
"No," she disagreed softly, "It's okay for you to ask. That's the same thing
I told Willow. It's like... I trust you guys. I trust all of you guys.
Just because Xander and Giles and Oz haven't asked anything like that doesn't
mean I wouldn't tell them. You guys say that I save your lives a lot, but
you do the same for me, maybe without realizing it."
She paused, realizing she was getting off topic. "Anyway. Yeah. Sort of.
It's kind of still... dull inside. Like I'm really groggy from sleep that
had a really bad nightmare in it. But, I think I'm waking up. I mean, I
hope I am." Her hand slid up with a feather-light touch, stroking his cheek.
"I love you, Angel."
"I love you too, Buffy," he murmured huskily.
They laid back on the bed, still in each other's arms. "I miss this," she
confessed.
"I do too. Miss being close, that is," he said, trying to find the right
words.
"Yeah." She hesitated. "Thank you for the birthday present."
"The book?"
"Okay, sure," she grinned. Angel laughed, and she continued. "No, really.
It was sweet. I'm sorry it... got all torn up."
He kissed her forehead tenderly, loving her and wanting to weep for her at
the same time. "I'm sorry that you did, too."
Buffy wiggled in his arms, and it took him a moment to realize she had been
shrugging. "You know what though, Angel?"
He smiled, mirroring her own smile. "What?"
"I won't be... totally... at least until.." She stumbled over her words for a
moment and then she smiled again; wider, brighter than before. "I think I'm
healing."