Anna knew she couldn't face boarding the train back to Philadelphia immeadiatly, so after leaving Carter's she checked into a hotel. It was detached, the kind of place she knew she could be alone in. She curled up on the big double bed still feeling very alone and slept. She slept until the light cut in through the window the next morning, intruding into her darkness. She rose and showered briskly, enjoying the soothing feeling of water flowing over her body. Deciding to skip breakfast, she dressed and left the hotel. For a while she wandered the cold morning, watching the hassled crowds on their way to work. Why had she ever come? Such a big mistake. She should go back to Philadelphia and stay there, stay out of his life and stay safe. She shivered as the grey Chicago streets funnelled the biting wind and she hunched into her jacket. It was 9:00 am and the streets were quiet again. People had all started their day at work. Suddenly, she decided where she should go. Chicago County General, well, she might as well. She wondered just how much it had changed since she had left. Nothing else had stayed the same. Half an hour later following a very long tiring trek, she stood opposite the old place in the ambulance bay. For a moment, she nearly turned away. What was the point in longing for something that had disappeared years ago? She swallowed her fear and entered, pausing when the familiarity hit her. It was busy, buzzing, noisy but never as chaotic as it seemed. She wandered the halls slowly, like a missing soul. No one questioned her. They saw weirdos all the time and assumed she was yet another escapee from the mental ward. The place was the same but the feeling wasn't. Too much had happened for it possibly to.
"Can I help you?"
She looked up, shaken out of her reverie.
"You look a little lost. You O.K?"
The man spoke again, concern in his deep brown eyes. He had an Italian or Hispanic look about him, broad shouldered, tall, dark hair, darker eyes. She nearly smiled when she found herself considering that. She was Italian herself but she fitted no stereotype - she was a good old blonde haired blue eyed gal. She decided to stop making assumptions and just speak.
"I'm fine,"
She noticed the chart in his hand. He was wearing navy scrubs.
"You're busy. Go on, I'm O.K,"
He looked down.
"No, I'm finished up. You never answered my first question? Can I help? Are you looking for someone?"
"This is going to sound really silly,"
From someone her age it definitely was. He smiled at her.
"Try me,"
"I worked here. I just came back to see the old place,"
"Right, well, if you can still remember your way around..."
"Just about, it was 20 years ago,"
"Before my time. Dave, by the way,"
"I read your name badge! Anna,"
She shook his hand. It was good to meet at least one of the people Carter had been talking about.
"Del Amico? Carter's friend?"
"The very same."
"How come you came back?"
"Just visiting. I run Philadelphia Generals Pediatric department. Sent on one of these boring lectures,"
"So you're not here to lend a hand?"
"Unfortunately no,"
"Damn!"
"Is he around?"
"Carter? No, day off,"
Anna felt disappointment rise in her, showing on her face.
"I'm due a break though. Could take you round, introduce you to the others,"
She loved the idea, daunted as she was by having to explain to all these strangers who she was. And why she was here. That was harder. Was it for him? Was he why she was staying?
"That'd be nice,"
He seemed as nice as Carter had said he was. Cute too. She banished that thought as quickly as it entered her head. She followed him as he led her down the corridor. Admit was refreshingly familiar.
"Anna!"
Randi greeted her with open arms. She hadn't lost any of her verve for life. Aging hadn't entirely treated her kindly but she didn't look haggard by any manner of means.
"Randi,"
She shook herself free from the restrictive embrace, uncomfortable by the public show of affection. They hadn't even been that close. Ever. There were two men in the more familiar white coats, scribbling in the famously illegible doctors writing.
"Luka, Anne, got a second?"
They looked up. The man was clearly foreign, one of those smoulderingly dangerous types you just knew had been hurt, and who had just gotten better with age. The woman was younger, very like a young Anna, pretty, clearly just out of med-school. They looked unamused by the interruption. Anna shifted foot nervously.
"Sorry guys, I just thought I should introduce you to our visitor,"
He turned to her and smiled again, trying to make her feel less on show.
"This is Anna, she was a..."
Dave turned to her, aware he didn't know what she'd actually done at County.
"Paediatric intern double boarding in emergency medicine,"
She recited her job title as if it had been yesterday.
"Right...here 20years ago,"
"Anne McKinnon,"
She shook the proferred hand. There was something held back in the handshake. Anna turned to face Luka. He introduced himself also, but Anna was too busy trying to interpret the expression in his eyes. Nothing was obvious - this guy was hiding. Possibly too much. The same way she did, the same way she always had, and the same way Carter did.
She questioned herself over the hurt, why was she still bothered? She questioned, over and over again but never came up with anything of any substance. She hated not being able to explain things. She was a doctor. Therefore there was always an answer. So much had altered since she left. It was the same place yet it wasn't. Too much had happened for it to feel the same way it had. She felt out of place amongst these newcomers.
"Coffee?"
She wasn't even aware she'd been moving, but there she was, standing next to her old locker in the doctors lounge. McKinnon was the name on the door now. She bet herself that if she tried she could still remember her locker combination.
"Yeah, thanks,"
He handed her the cup. It felt kind of luke warm. That was fairly familiar too.
"I think I could still remember my locker combination you know. How sad is that?"
"Just means you've got a good memory that's all, besides, Anne wouldn't be best pleased,"
"Dare say she wouldn't. What is she? Intern, 2nd year?"
"2nd year, though you couldn't tell by looking at her could you?"
"She looks younger,"
"You don't look old enough to be running a department either,"
It was supposed to be a compliment but somehow came out slightly wrong.
"I feel old enough,"
"Sorry,"
"Serves me right I guess."
She fiddled with the cup nervously, feeling his gaze on her. She knew he probably had hundreds of questions - she sensed he was that kind of person.
"Well, ask away,"
She smiled, genuinely ready to face this.
"Huh?"
"Come on, don't tell me you aren't wondering why I'm here? Why I left in the first place? What really went on?...I know I would be,"
"It's not my business,"
"Since when has that stopped you...."
Anna was aware of a third presence. The brunette was attractive, but looked like her years had taken their toll.
"Sorry, couldn't help myself,"
"Abby, you want something?"
Dave sounded impatient.
"Not really, just wanted a coffee that's all,"
Dave addressed Anna, without removing his eyes from Abby.
"Do excuse her, she isn't usually this obtuse,"
"I just know you, Dave, that's all. I know what you're like. I didn't want this to turn into the Spanish Inquisition,"
"You know nothing about this,"
"Hi, Abby, just thought the third party might get a word in edgeways between you two,"
She waved her hand to attract their attention.
"We haven't been introduced, I'm Anna Del Amico, I worked here......"
"20 years ago, I overheard you at the desk. Abby, Abby Lockhart. I've been here far too long for some people,"
She smiled sarkily.
"You know I love you really, Abby,"
"Yeah, whatever. Promise me you're not hassling our visitor and I'll leave,"
"She was actively encouraging my curiousity, weren't you?"
Stunned at being addressed in the conversation again, Anna started.
"What? Yeah, no problem. I mean, what else am I doing with my time?"
Abby looked doubtful but stopped playing with the coffee mug and left, as quietly as she'd slipped in.
"She's not usually like that,"
"There's no need to apologise for her,"
"She just knows me far too well, that's all,"
"I know what that's like!"
Anna sat down on the old leather sofa. It was still there. Couldn't they have pensioned it off? It was never the comfortable. Or maybe it was the conversations she'd had on it that made it seem uncomfortable in her mind.
"So, what's it like being back then?"
"Honestly, it's a little weird. I've not really been in touch that much since I left,"
"You never called?"
"I wouldn't say never called. I rarely called. It faded off after a year or so. I got my life back. It wouldn't have done anyone any good for me to keep interfering,"
"You mean Carter don't you?"
"Well, yeah. He didn't need me messing him around,"
"I think you messing him around would have been infinitely preferable to what he went through after you left. You know about Lucy huh?"
Anna's face fell. She'd been trying not to think about that - it hurt her inside to imagine him suffering the way he had.
"That was a bit of a shock to the system. I never knew the girl or anything but that's no way to die. If I'd known..."
"No, it was no way for her to die. You probably would've hated Lucy. Everybody did at times. She was bright, rule-abiding, over-eager, the kind of med student that's right even when they're wrong,"
"Sounds like heaven,"
"Don't get me wrong, she was a lovely girl at heart, just a bit naive, a bit too sweet for her own good. Pretty too,"
"I did wonder, when he mentioned her, what she was like."
"It broke his heart when she died. He pulled through and she didn't and he never quite reconciled himself with that,"
"I think I can understand that,"
"Yeah, I guess I can too,"
"So...I should try to lighten the conversation a little. What else went on after I left?"
"Erm...pass on the first year...I wasn't here...."
"Carol....You knew her right?"
"I did indeed. O.K, I can answer this one. She had twin girls - Tess and Kate - Thanksgiving it was. She left for Seattle, married Doug Ross. Broke Kovac's heart,"
"I knew there was something about him,"
"Luka?"
"He seemed, I don't know, scarred,"
"Aren't we all? He just shows it, I think. He's Croatian. Lost his whole family in the civil war,"
"Ouch,"
"It's a touchy subject,"
"I can imagine,"
"O.K. My turn to ask you something. Why did you leave? I mean, he's told me the stories...why did you go?"
Anna paused for a second, formulating a suitable answer. She wasn't sure to this day why she'd left, why she'd made the decision she had.
"I chose wrong over right and not for the first time in my life either,"
"Huh?"
"Well, my familys from Philly originally, so it was going home. But they weren't the reason. The guy that ran the pediatrics department at the time was an ex-boyfriend of mine who wanted me back. So I went. He offered me a better job than I had here and despite the fact I couldn't fully trust him after what he did I went. I couldn't face the emotions running high here so I ran back to something that had been of comfort in the past,"
"You knew how he felt?"
"Carter? God, yes,"
"And you went back to your ex anyway?"
"It was easier. I will say it was the biggest mistake of my life. I mean, I've wasted 20 years haven't I?"
"I couldn't possibly say,"
"Probably nothing would have happened differently. You know, I might not have changed the things that happened here,"
"Probably not. The thing is - you can't ever know that for sure?"
Anna sighed.
"No, I can't. I don't know where I'd be or who I'd be if I'd stayed and faced up to myself. I've always been a coward,"
"You're not the only one,"
"No?"
"Everyone is...in their own way,"
"Quit with the dodge tactics. You were talking about yourself weren't you?"
"I don't know you...."
"I just told you my life story!"
"I'm exactly the same. It's wrong over right all the time, cause I'm scared of the right,"
"Abby?"
Anna was more perceptive than people gave her credit for.
"Yeah. Abby,"
There was a sadness, a regret to the way he said her name.
"A story better never told?"
"Yeah, definitely,"
She felt him drift away after that.
"I'd better get going, I've got to get back,"
"You're going back to Philadelphia?"
"For now."
"You're coming back though? For him?"
"I don't know yet,"
"Don't run away again, Anna,"
She walked away, away from him and away from the hospital. This place was more painful than she'd imagined it could ever be. She felt like she was being a bit silly but then again, she'd always made things into crises even when they weren't. She wandered, feeling a little lost and very lonely, back to the hotel room and with a heavy heart that she didn't have the courage to say anything, packed her bag. There was an evening train from Union Station that would take her home and let her forget she ever came.
She laid her head in her arms on the table in front of her. She wanted to sleep but was too distracted. Physically, she was exhausted - strange in itself as she'd slept well last night, but her mind wouldn't let her rest. She drifted into a fitful sleep for the train journey - she was aware of time passing but unaware of what was around her. She was only awoken when the train reached the end of the line. It's destination. Home. Philly. It didn't fel so much like home anymore. Her parents were long since dead and with Max gone - well, it just wasn't the city she grew up in anymore that was all. It didn't feel the same. As she'd discovered in Chicago nowhere felt the same anymore. The apartment she'd shared with the husband she'd thought she'd loved. She'd thought give it time, I'll fall in love with him again but she never had. He loved her and she'd bathed in that love whilst never really returning it. When he died, her grief wasn't for him, it was for herself. Her safety net was gone as such. It didn't feel right to be there. It was her own apartment now but it still reeked of him, even three years after his untimely demise. Maybe it was because not only had he died here, slipping away quietly in the night as he'd wanted while she was at work, but also because she'd miscarried here - in her own bathroom she'd lost her child, her daughter. Everytime she bathed she remembered the pain of that day. She hadn't been the mothering type but she resented the fact that her chance had been taken away before she'd really had time to accept it and begin to love the life inside her. It was ironic, perhaps, that she loved it more now she couldn't have it. She loved it now it was long since dead. Sounded familiar. She curled up on the sofa, without switching on the light and making reality all too stark to bear, and she cried. She cried almost like never before over what her life had become, over the mess she'd made.
"Can I help you?"
She looked up, shaken out of her reverie.
"You look a little lost. You O.K?"
The man spoke again, concern in his deep brown eyes. He had an Italian or Hispanic look about him, broad shouldered, tall, dark hair, darker eyes. She nearly smiled when she found herself considering that. She was Italian herself but she fitted no stereotype - she was a good old blonde haired blue eyed gal. She decided to stop making assumptions and just speak.
"I'm fine,"
She noticed the chart in his hand. He was wearing navy scrubs.
"You're busy. Go on, I'm O.K,"
He looked down.
"No, I'm finished up. You never answered my first question? Can I help? Are you looking for someone?"
"This is going to sound really silly,"
From someone her age it definitely was. He smiled at her.
"Try me,"
"I worked here. I just came back to see the old place,"
"Right, well, if you can still remember your way around..."
"Just about, it was 20 years ago,"
"Before my time. Dave, by the way,"
"I read your name badge! Anna,"
She shook his hand. It was good to meet at least one of the people Carter had been talking about.
"Del Amico? Carter's friend?"
"The very same."
"How come you came back?"
"Just visiting. I run Philadelphia Generals Pediatric department. Sent on one of these boring lectures,"
"So you're not here to lend a hand?"
"Unfortunately no,"
"Damn!"
"Is he around?"
"Carter? No, day off,"
Anna felt disappointment rise in her, showing on her face.
"I'm due a break though. Could take you round, introduce you to the others,"
She loved the idea, daunted as she was by having to explain to all these strangers who she was. And why she was here. That was harder. Was it for him? Was he why she was staying?
"That'd be nice,"
He seemed as nice as Carter had said he was. Cute too. She banished that thought as quickly as it entered her head. She followed him as he led her down the corridor. Admit was refreshingly familiar.
"Anna!"
Randi greeted her with open arms. She hadn't lost any of her verve for life. Aging hadn't entirely treated her kindly but she didn't look haggard by any manner of means.
"Randi,"
She shook herself free from the restrictive embrace, uncomfortable by the public show of affection. They hadn't even been that close. Ever. There were two men in the more familiar white coats, scribbling in the famously illegible doctors writing.
"Luka, Anne, got a second?"
They looked up. The man was clearly foreign, one of those smoulderingly dangerous types you just knew had been hurt, and who had just gotten better with age. The woman was younger, very like a young Anna, pretty, clearly just out of med-school. They looked unamused by the interruption. Anna shifted foot nervously.
"Sorry guys, I just thought I should introduce you to our visitor,"
He turned to her and smiled again, trying to make her feel less on show.
"This is Anna, she was a..."
Dave turned to her, aware he didn't know what she'd actually done at County.
"Paediatric intern double boarding in emergency medicine,"
She recited her job title as if it had been yesterday.
"Right...here 20years ago,"
"Anne McKinnon,"
She shook the proferred hand. There was something held back in the handshake. Anna turned to face Luka. He introduced himself also, but Anna was too busy trying to interpret the expression in his eyes. Nothing was obvious - this guy was hiding. Possibly too much. The same way she did, the same way she always had, and the same way Carter did.
She questioned herself over the hurt, why was she still bothered? She questioned, over and over again but never came up with anything of any substance. She hated not being able to explain things. She was a doctor. Therefore there was always an answer. So much had altered since she left. It was the same place yet it wasn't. Too much had happened for it to feel the same way it had. She felt out of place amongst these newcomers.
"Coffee?"
She wasn't even aware she'd been moving, but there she was, standing next to her old locker in the doctors lounge. McKinnon was the name on the door now. She bet herself that if she tried she could still remember her locker combination.
"Yeah, thanks,"
He handed her the cup. It felt kind of luke warm. That was fairly familiar too.
"I think I could still remember my locker combination you know. How sad is that?"
"Just means you've got a good memory that's all, besides, Anne wouldn't be best pleased,"
"Dare say she wouldn't. What is she? Intern, 2nd year?"
"2nd year, though you couldn't tell by looking at her could you?"
"She looks younger,"
"You don't look old enough to be running a department either,"
It was supposed to be a compliment but somehow came out slightly wrong.
"I feel old enough,"
"Sorry,"
"Serves me right I guess."
She fiddled with the cup nervously, feeling his gaze on her. She knew he probably had hundreds of questions - she sensed he was that kind of person.
"Well, ask away,"
She smiled, genuinely ready to face this.
"Huh?"
"Come on, don't tell me you aren't wondering why I'm here? Why I left in the first place? What really went on?...I know I would be,"
"It's not my business,"
"Since when has that stopped you...."
Anna was aware of a third presence. The brunette was attractive, but looked like her years had taken their toll.
"Sorry, couldn't help myself,"
"Abby, you want something?"
Dave sounded impatient.
"Not really, just wanted a coffee that's all,"
Dave addressed Anna, without removing his eyes from Abby.
"Do excuse her, she isn't usually this obtuse,"
"I just know you, Dave, that's all. I know what you're like. I didn't want this to turn into the Spanish Inquisition,"
"You know nothing about this,"
"Hi, Abby, just thought the third party might get a word in edgeways between you two,"
She waved her hand to attract their attention.
"We haven't been introduced, I'm Anna Del Amico, I worked here......"
"20 years ago, I overheard you at the desk. Abby, Abby Lockhart. I've been here far too long for some people,"
She smiled sarkily.
"You know I love you really, Abby,"
"Yeah, whatever. Promise me you're not hassling our visitor and I'll leave,"
"She was actively encouraging my curiousity, weren't you?"
Stunned at being addressed in the conversation again, Anna started.
"What? Yeah, no problem. I mean, what else am I doing with my time?"
Abby looked doubtful but stopped playing with the coffee mug and left, as quietly as she'd slipped in.
"She's not usually like that,"
"There's no need to apologise for her,"
"She just knows me far too well, that's all,"
"I know what that's like!"
Anna sat down on the old leather sofa. It was still there. Couldn't they have pensioned it off? It was never the comfortable. Or maybe it was the conversations she'd had on it that made it seem uncomfortable in her mind.
"So, what's it like being back then?"
"Honestly, it's a little weird. I've not really been in touch that much since I left,"
"You never called?"
"I wouldn't say never called. I rarely called. It faded off after a year or so. I got my life back. It wouldn't have done anyone any good for me to keep interfering,"
"You mean Carter don't you?"
"Well, yeah. He didn't need me messing him around,"
"I think you messing him around would have been infinitely preferable to what he went through after you left. You know about Lucy huh?"
Anna's face fell. She'd been trying not to think about that - it hurt her inside to imagine him suffering the way he had.
"That was a bit of a shock to the system. I never knew the girl or anything but that's no way to die. If I'd known..."
"No, it was no way for her to die. You probably would've hated Lucy. Everybody did at times. She was bright, rule-abiding, over-eager, the kind of med student that's right even when they're wrong,"
"Sounds like heaven,"
"Don't get me wrong, she was a lovely girl at heart, just a bit naive, a bit too sweet for her own good. Pretty too,"
"I did wonder, when he mentioned her, what she was like."
"It broke his heart when she died. He pulled through and she didn't and he never quite reconciled himself with that,"
"I think I can understand that,"
"Yeah, I guess I can too,"
"So...I should try to lighten the conversation a little. What else went on after I left?"
"Erm...pass on the first year...I wasn't here...."
"Carol....You knew her right?"
"I did indeed. O.K, I can answer this one. She had twin girls - Tess and Kate - Thanksgiving it was. She left for Seattle, married Doug Ross. Broke Kovac's heart,"
"I knew there was something about him,"
"Luka?"
"He seemed, I don't know, scarred,"
"Aren't we all? He just shows it, I think. He's Croatian. Lost his whole family in the civil war,"
"Ouch,"
"It's a touchy subject,"
"I can imagine,"
"O.K. My turn to ask you something. Why did you leave? I mean, he's told me the stories...why did you go?"
Anna paused for a second, formulating a suitable answer. She wasn't sure to this day why she'd left, why she'd made the decision she had.
"I chose wrong over right and not for the first time in my life either,"
"Huh?"
"Well, my familys from Philly originally, so it was going home. But they weren't the reason. The guy that ran the pediatrics department at the time was an ex-boyfriend of mine who wanted me back. So I went. He offered me a better job than I had here and despite the fact I couldn't fully trust him after what he did I went. I couldn't face the emotions running high here so I ran back to something that had been of comfort in the past,"
"You knew how he felt?"
"Carter? God, yes,"
"And you went back to your ex anyway?"
"It was easier. I will say it was the biggest mistake of my life. I mean, I've wasted 20 years haven't I?"
"I couldn't possibly say,"
"Probably nothing would have happened differently. You know, I might not have changed the things that happened here,"
"Probably not. The thing is - you can't ever know that for sure?"
Anna sighed.
"No, I can't. I don't know where I'd be or who I'd be if I'd stayed and faced up to myself. I've always been a coward,"
"You're not the only one,"
"No?"
"Everyone is...in their own way,"
"Quit with the dodge tactics. You were talking about yourself weren't you?"
"I don't know you...."
"I just told you my life story!"
"I'm exactly the same. It's wrong over right all the time, cause I'm scared of the right,"
"Abby?"
Anna was more perceptive than people gave her credit for.
"Yeah. Abby,"
There was a sadness, a regret to the way he said her name.
"A story better never told?"
"Yeah, definitely,"
She felt him drift away after that.
"I'd better get going, I've got to get back,"
"You're going back to Philadelphia?"
"For now."
"You're coming back though? For him?"
"I don't know yet,"
"Don't run away again, Anna,"
She walked away, away from him and away from the hospital. This place was more painful than she'd imagined it could ever be. She felt like she was being a bit silly but then again, she'd always made things into crises even when they weren't. She wandered, feeling a little lost and very lonely, back to the hotel room and with a heavy heart that she didn't have the courage to say anything, packed her bag. There was an evening train from Union Station that would take her home and let her forget she ever came.
She laid her head in her arms on the table in front of her. She wanted to sleep but was too distracted. Physically, she was exhausted - strange in itself as she'd slept well last night, but her mind wouldn't let her rest. She drifted into a fitful sleep for the train journey - she was aware of time passing but unaware of what was around her. She was only awoken when the train reached the end of the line. It's destination. Home. Philly. It didn't fel so much like home anymore. Her parents were long since dead and with Max gone - well, it just wasn't the city she grew up in anymore that was all. It didn't feel the same. As she'd discovered in Chicago nowhere felt the same anymore. The apartment she'd shared with the husband she'd thought she'd loved. She'd thought give it time, I'll fall in love with him again but she never had. He loved her and she'd bathed in that love whilst never really returning it. When he died, her grief wasn't for him, it was for herself. Her safety net was gone as such. It didn't feel right to be there. It was her own apartment now but it still reeked of him, even three years after his untimely demise. Maybe it was because not only had he died here, slipping away quietly in the night as he'd wanted while she was at work, but also because she'd miscarried here - in her own bathroom she'd lost her child, her daughter. Everytime she bathed she remembered the pain of that day. She hadn't been the mothering type but she resented the fact that her chance had been taken away before she'd really had time to accept it and begin to love the life inside her. It was ironic, perhaps, that she loved it more now she couldn't have it. She loved it now it was long since dead. Sounded familiar. She curled up on the sofa, without switching on the light and making reality all too stark to bear, and she cried. She cried almost like never before over what her life had become, over the mess she'd made.