Is This Home Anymore?
For the first time in a long time the next morning, her mind wasn't on the job in hand. It wasn't even particularily on her surroundings. She heard the footsteps at her shoulder but ignored them until whoever it was actually forced her to concentrate.
"So, how was the conference?"
Her younger colleague sounded too eager at this time in the morning. Ben was a caffeine addict, that she well knew. She was well used to this.
"It was a conference. It was dull. It taught me nothing that as a doctor I shouldn't already know,"
"You are quite the cynic aren't you?"
"Yep,"
She answered flatly. She could sense him smiling at her.
"Is there something else, Ben?"
She tried to dismiss him. She had a lot on her mind asides of work.
"Well, you moved here from Chicago didn't you? I was just wondering if there was any ulterior motive behind your willingness to attend,"
"Don't you think that's my business?"
"Anna, don't shut me out. We're all your friends here too, you know,"
He was insistent and he was trying to be a good friend to her. One of the few who had in Philadelphia.
"Ben, if there was anything but an unswerving devotion to pediatric medicine behind my attending, you'd be the first to know,"
She didn't want to tell him, didn't need to go into it all again. It had to be forgotten, had to remain in the past. She pushed open her office door. If they needed her, they'd page her. She still had a whole lot of things to think about. Ben walked off down the corridor, away to his patients, away to his job, thinking no more of their conversation. Anna did. She hadn't thought about much else since she'd gone back. If that conference hadn't been in Chicago would she really have been in as much of a hurry to go? It it hadn't involved seeing him again would she have gone at all? She must have sat there, staring at the same chart for hours before someone interrupted her reverie. A knock at the door, followed by Ben's cheery hello.
"Anna, hi,"
"Yeah? Do you need me?"
She looked up suddenly, on the defensive.
"No, not really..There's someone on phone that's all. Was wondering if you wanted me to put it through or to say you're busy?"
"Put them through, Ben, I'm alright,"
He scuttled back to the desk and patched the caller through. He hadn't said who it was. Anna picked up the reciever, well prepared to end up talking business with some hospital official or other.
"I heard I missed you yesterday,"
Damn! She was startled to hear his voice so soon. Too soon.
"Yeah, but I got to know Dave pretty well,"
"He said. He liked you, you know,"
"Yeah, but doesn't everyone?"
She heard the biting self-depreciation in her voice but it was too late to take it back.
"I was calling to thank you for coming over the other night, it was nice to see you,"
Anna was touched somewhere deep inside. Had he always been this sweet? How could she have let that go?
"It was nice,"
She agreed, realising she didn't think she had ever really thanked him for having her. She'd been too confused by the whole situation to remember her manners.
"Anna, you won't lose touch again will you?"
There was something slightly pleading, a little lost in his tone.
"No, course I won't. We can phone each other whenever...I'll be in Chicago again and you can always come here and see me you know,"
"Now there's an offer I can't refuse,"
He laughed. She wanted to be there with him in that instant and not so many miles away. She would have him here anytime he wanted. He could bring that something that had been missing from her apartment for so long. He would make it feel like home again, she knew almost instinctively.
"Too damned right you can't..."
She trailed off, her initial brashness replaced by an uncertainty clawing inside her.
"Are you alright, Anna? You sound really strange,"
She was up and down more often than a rollercoaster, that's what he meant. She was painfully aware of it too.
"I'm fine, honestly, just been doing a lot of thinking that's all,"
"That doesn't sound too healthy, A,"
"It isn't...It's what we women do though."
How could she ever tell him just everything she'd been thinking about? All the stuff on the train and the tears she'd cried last night when she'd realised what her life had been about.
"Yeah, don't I know it!?!"
"Well, phone me anytime. I gave you my home number right?"
"Yep,"
"It's just I've got to go. Meetings and things to take care of this afternoon,"
She tried to sound like she wasn't lying too much. She couldn't stay talking to him. It was impossible. She'd only start crying again and that wasn't normal. She was such a strong person. Such a professional person. She put the phone down and watched it, silent, for as long as she could bear. He was there, yet he wasn't. It was the strangest feeling. Her life in Chicago had been better than her life here could ever be. Why she realised that now - far too late - she really didn't know. Since she lost Max, she had no real connection to the hospital or to the people in it. They were his friends not hers and they'd drifted away once he died. It was like they just disappeared. They didn't know what to say to her now he wasn't around. She'd felt very alone in the months surrounding Max's death. She didn't know if it would have been easier or more difficult if she'd been pregnant. For a fleeting moment, the most insane idea came into her head. She considered moving back as an option, as a way out of this confusion. Would it help though? Would moving back solve anything or just heighten the sense of loss she already felt? There was nothing to hold her here - her job she would be able to find in pretty much any state in the country. She was a well-respected pediatrician. Her husband was gone. And her only real, true friend and the man she'd loved, was in Chicago. Had he really missed her? Did he mean what he'd said? It was 20 years ago and so much had changed since then.
"A,"
For a moment, she thought she'd look up and see Carter standing there. Very few people in the world called her A. She didn't like it, but she put up with it. Instead, she saw Ben. He was such a nice person, but he reminded her a little of a puppy. She didn't need him hanging off her every word and especially not now.
"Hi,"
She said absentmindedly, staring off into space somewhere beyond him. He stepped into the dark confines of her office and closed the door behind him.
"You look like you saw a ghost?"
He questioned, taking a seat opposite her.
"No...well, sort of,"
He raised his eyebrows, unused to her uncertainty.
"Who was on the phone?"
He changed the subject abruptly.
"Just an old friend,"
He caught her intense stare and held it, and she knew he could see she was lying.
"Yeah, right."
"It was. From Chicago,"
"I knew it!"
"Ben, it isn't what you're thinking,"
"How do you know what I'm thinking?"
"I know how your mind works. Look, I've got a lot on my mind so I'd kinda like to be alone with my paperwork if you don't mind,"
Anna hadn't meant to sound as sharp as she did. He looked vaguely hurt but he got up and left silently. He was only trying but she didn't want him to. She couldn't form emotional attachments. Not if she was leaving.
For the first time in a long time the next morning, her mind wasn't on the job in hand. It wasn't even particularily on her surroundings. She heard the footsteps at her shoulder but ignored them until whoever it was actually forced her to concentrate.
"So, how was the conference?"
Her younger colleague sounded too eager at this time in the morning. Ben was a caffeine addict, that she well knew. She was well used to this.
"It was a conference. It was dull. It taught me nothing that as a doctor I shouldn't already know,"
"You are quite the cynic aren't you?"
"Yep,"
She answered flatly. She could sense him smiling at her.
"Is there something else, Ben?"
She tried to dismiss him. She had a lot on her mind asides of work.
"Well, you moved here from Chicago didn't you? I was just wondering if there was any ulterior motive behind your willingness to attend,"
"Don't you think that's my business?"
"Anna, don't shut me out. We're all your friends here too, you know,"
He was insistent and he was trying to be a good friend to her. One of the few who had in Philadelphia.
"Ben, if there was anything but an unswerving devotion to pediatric medicine behind my attending, you'd be the first to know,"
She didn't want to tell him, didn't need to go into it all again. It had to be forgotten, had to remain in the past. She pushed open her office door. If they needed her, they'd page her. She still had a whole lot of things to think about. Ben walked off down the corridor, away to his patients, away to his job, thinking no more of their conversation. Anna did. She hadn't thought about much else since she'd gone back. If that conference hadn't been in Chicago would she really have been in as much of a hurry to go? It it hadn't involved seeing him again would she have gone at all? She must have sat there, staring at the same chart for hours before someone interrupted her reverie. A knock at the door, followed by Ben's cheery hello.
"Anna, hi,"
"Yeah? Do you need me?"
She looked up suddenly, on the defensive.
"No, not really..There's someone on phone that's all. Was wondering if you wanted me to put it through or to say you're busy?"
"Put them through, Ben, I'm alright,"
He scuttled back to the desk and patched the caller through. He hadn't said who it was. Anna picked up the reciever, well prepared to end up talking business with some hospital official or other.
"I heard I missed you yesterday,"
Damn! She was startled to hear his voice so soon. Too soon.
"Yeah, but I got to know Dave pretty well,"
"He said. He liked you, you know,"
"Yeah, but doesn't everyone?"
She heard the biting self-depreciation in her voice but it was too late to take it back.
"I was calling to thank you for coming over the other night, it was nice to see you,"
Anna was touched somewhere deep inside. Had he always been this sweet? How could she have let that go?
"It was nice,"
She agreed, realising she didn't think she had ever really thanked him for having her. She'd been too confused by the whole situation to remember her manners.
"Anna, you won't lose touch again will you?"
There was something slightly pleading, a little lost in his tone.
"No, course I won't. We can phone each other whenever...I'll be in Chicago again and you can always come here and see me you know,"
"Now there's an offer I can't refuse,"
He laughed. She wanted to be there with him in that instant and not so many miles away. She would have him here anytime he wanted. He could bring that something that had been missing from her apartment for so long. He would make it feel like home again, she knew almost instinctively.
"Too damned right you can't..."
She trailed off, her initial brashness replaced by an uncertainty clawing inside her.
"Are you alright, Anna? You sound really strange,"
She was up and down more often than a rollercoaster, that's what he meant. She was painfully aware of it too.
"I'm fine, honestly, just been doing a lot of thinking that's all,"
"That doesn't sound too healthy, A,"
"It isn't...It's what we women do though."
How could she ever tell him just everything she'd been thinking about? All the stuff on the train and the tears she'd cried last night when she'd realised what her life had been about.
"Yeah, don't I know it!?!"
"Well, phone me anytime. I gave you my home number right?"
"Yep,"
"It's just I've got to go. Meetings and things to take care of this afternoon,"
She tried to sound like she wasn't lying too much. She couldn't stay talking to him. It was impossible. She'd only start crying again and that wasn't normal. She was such a strong person. Such a professional person. She put the phone down and watched it, silent, for as long as she could bear. He was there, yet he wasn't. It was the strangest feeling. Her life in Chicago had been better than her life here could ever be. Why she realised that now - far too late - she really didn't know. Since she lost Max, she had no real connection to the hospital or to the people in it. They were his friends not hers and they'd drifted away once he died. It was like they just disappeared. They didn't know what to say to her now he wasn't around. She'd felt very alone in the months surrounding Max's death. She didn't know if it would have been easier or more difficult if she'd been pregnant. For a fleeting moment, the most insane idea came into her head. She considered moving back as an option, as a way out of this confusion. Would it help though? Would moving back solve anything or just heighten the sense of loss she already felt? There was nothing to hold her here - her job she would be able to find in pretty much any state in the country. She was a well-respected pediatrician. Her husband was gone. And her only real, true friend and the man she'd loved, was in Chicago. Had he really missed her? Did he mean what he'd said? It was 20 years ago and so much had changed since then.
"A,"
For a moment, she thought she'd look up and see Carter standing there. Very few people in the world called her A. She didn't like it, but she put up with it. Instead, she saw Ben. He was such a nice person, but he reminded her a little of a puppy. She didn't need him hanging off her every word and especially not now.
"Hi,"
She said absentmindedly, staring off into space somewhere beyond him. He stepped into the dark confines of her office and closed the door behind him.
"You look like you saw a ghost?"
He questioned, taking a seat opposite her.
"No...well, sort of,"
He raised his eyebrows, unused to her uncertainty.
"Who was on the phone?"
He changed the subject abruptly.
"Just an old friend,"
He caught her intense stare and held it, and she knew he could see she was lying.
"Yeah, right."
"It was. From Chicago,"
"I knew it!"
"Ben, it isn't what you're thinking,"
"How do you know what I'm thinking?"
"I know how your mind works. Look, I've got a lot on my mind so I'd kinda like to be alone with my paperwork if you don't mind,"
Anna hadn't meant to sound as sharp as she did. He looked vaguely hurt but he got up and left silently. He was only trying but she didn't want him to. She couldn't form emotional attachments. Not if she was leaving.