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LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 5
"Krit... Krit..." His eyes snapped open and he jerked up, momentarily disoriented. He had to put a hand out to stop himself from falling off the sofa. Jondy was kneeling on the floor beside him, smiling. He blinked in surprise as he took in her appearance. The smile was not wild or forced or fake- it was small, genuine, soft. When he looked at her he saw Jondy, the Jondy he remembered, the Jondy he hadn't seen once since his arrival in Pennsylvania- until now.
"Hey," he said softy, terrified that he would do something to ruin this moment.
"Hey," she answered, low, sincere. No double meaning, no crazy giggle, no glint in her eyes. He reached out and touched her cheek.
"Jondy," he breathed. She smiled again.
"Yeah," she whispered. Krit returned her soft smile, reached down and pulled her up from the floor to the sofa, folding her into his arms. She sighed deeply and relaxed into his embrace.
"I'm so glad you came," she said after several minutes of comfortable silence.
"So am I."
"I don't know what I would have done if-" He put a finger gently on her lips.
"That doesn't matter," he said firmly. She pulled back slightly and smiled another sincere smile, touched his hair, gazing up at him with soft blue eyes. There was a light in them, but not the glint. There was no sign it had ever existed.
"Krit," she said softly. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too," he said pointedly; she got the deeper meaning of his words and nodded.
"I know."
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked hesitantly, dreading that this was all just a dream or that in the morning she would revert to her unbalanced state again. She frowned.
"I don't know," she admitted. "I hope so." He reached over and took her hand, squeezed it.
"It's going to be okay," he said, feeling the truth of his conviction though he could tell she wasn't so sure. She nodded slowly as he yawned. Jondy glanced at the clock.
"It's late. I'm sorry I woke you up."
"Are you kidding? I can sleep anytime and I never would have wanted to miss this."
"What?"
"You," he said, eliciting a smile. But it faded after a moment and suddenly her eyes misted over; Krit braced himself.
"I'm sorry," she whispered tearfully.
"It's okay," he told her softly, meaning it. She gazed up at him.
"You don't even know what I'm talking about." Her voice was bitter. He touched her arm, not wanting to lose this new Jondy. She was so fragile.
"Then tell me," he said gently. She gazed at him for a long time, then glanced away. He stifled a sigh, thinking she would get that defensive glint in her eyes again any second, but after a moment her soft voice came.
"Do you know why I woke up?" she asked. He frowned as he considered that; it was odd for her to be awake at this time. Lately she had been sleeping right through the night, something she had never done as a child and that worried him greatly.
"No," he said. She whispered something even he couldn't hear and he leaned closer. "What?"
"I woke up," she whispered. "Because I felt it. I've never... felt it before. Not like that." Krit froze, stared at her, feeling dread deep in his stomach. He took her shoulders gently, met her eyes.
"Jondy," he said, calmer than he felt. "Are you pregnant?" A few tears spilled down her cheeks and his eyes fluttered closed momentarily in shock before he pulled her into a tight hug. "How far along are you?" he asked disbelievingly.
"Three months, give or take," she told him softly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he whispered, stroking her inch-long hair. She cried into his chest, clutching at him.
"I didn't want it to be real," she cried. "I didn't want it to be real even before. I didn't know how he'd- I thought..."
"Oh, Jondy, it would have been okay." Krit knew Zane; it would have been aboslutely fine. God, he would have been happy if she'd told him. He would be happy, not would have been happy, Krit reminded himself. He was beginning to think like Jondy, that Zane was dead. He shook the thought away as she continued to speak, sniffling, into his chest.
"And then... when Zack... and I thought... I just didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do."
"That doesn't matter right now," Krit said firmly, taking charge because he knew she couldn't. "I just can't believe you've been pregnant this whole time."
"And now that you've told me that he's... I was just starting to think that maybe I could do this... but now... And Zack lied to me." Her face twisted in anger and pain. "He lied to me about this! My big brother... I trusted him. He's supposed to take care of me, not lie to me! Now I can't trust anyone."
"You can trust me," Krit said immediately.
"I'm so scared. I still don't know how he'll react..." For some reason she couldn't bring herself to say Zane's name. She brushed her tears away, angry at herself. "Selfish," she spat.
"No." He helped stroke her tears away. "No, not selfish. Listen, any baby that you and Za-"
"Don't," she cut him off. "I don't... I can't..." He touched her cheek.
"We have to get you healthy," he told her again.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, tears spilling down her cheeks. "Do you think I've hurt the baby?"
"I'm sure it's fine," he assured her, hoping that he was right. "But you're not. You need to eat." She smiled at him; no glint. He smiled back.
"Eat," she repeated, her voice half pain and half wryness. "That's all you can say?"
"Yes," he said firmly. "You're going to eat everything I give you." His joking tone was lost on her as her smile faded.
"I've messed everything up, haven't I?"
"No." He touched her face. "It's going to be okay. And I'm taking you to a doctor. First thing tomorrow." She smiled at him.
"Okay." They sat in silence for several moments, her head resting against his shoulder. She felt more content than she had in months.
"Jondy... What do you want to do about it?" he finally asked softly; she tensed, tried to imagine having an abortion and found that just the thought ripped her up inside.
"Not that," she said firmly. Krit looked relieved. "I wouldn't be any better than him, murdering Jack because he wasn't perfect, and Eva because she didn't do what he wanted." She touched her stomach lightly. "No, it's not this baby's fault I'm a screw-up."
"You're not a screw-up." He believed it, she saw it written all over her face. She felt so incredibly safe with him, so incredibly loved.
"Right," she said weakly, tears threatening again, making her angry. She was so tired of crying. He stroked her hair gently. She leaned deeper into him on the sofa and lowered her head to his chest, pulling his discarded blanket around them both. She closed her eyes, exhausted.
"I'm staying here tonight," she informed him sleepily. Krit tensed momentarily, opened his mouth to protest, but then looked down at her peaceful face and sighed. He gingerly put an arm around her shoulder, getting comfortable.
"Everything's going to be okay now," he whispered to her; Jondy let out a soft sigh and managed to blink back her tears as she snuggled closer to him. Just before she drifted off she heard him say to her, low, gentle, "I can feel it."
Krit awoke to the sound of Jondy cursing loudly. He got up slowly,
dreading what he would see. She was standing by the window, her fists clenched,
staring outside. She didn't look crazy, just angry; he frowned and walked over
beside her.
"What?" he asked, surprising her. She turned away from the window; he saw tears in her eyes. Krit warily parted the white curtains and saw a truck parked in front of the little house. He watched as the passenger got out, a young woman with black hair cascading down her back and calculating but almost cheerful eyes. He suddenly grinned as he recognized Brin.
"What's wrong with-" he started to ask Jondy, but then froze as Zack exited from the passenger side of the truck. They were heading up the walk. "You don't have to talk to him," he said. "I can handle this." She crossed her arms over her chest.
"Don't worry, if I go out there it'll only be to kill him," she ground out, stomping further back into the house. He watched her receding form tensely, knowing that everything they had worked through last night could go to hell if Zack got near her. He pulled the front door open and bounded down the steps, forcing himself to smile at Brin and pulling her into a hug. To his delight, she hugged him back readily. She'd come a long way.
"Jondy's inside," he said to her. Zack smiled at Krit and started to follow Brin toward the house, but Krit held up a hand to stop him; Zack halted but looked confused. Their sister entered the house and closed the door behind her.
"You shouldn't have come here," Krit said calmly, lowering his hand. Zack narrowed his eyes at him.
"What was I supposed to do? You said you'd call and you never did. You didn't answer the phone. I was worried."
"I'm touched," Krit said coldly.
"What's wrong with you?"
"Leave," he said evenly, his voice like ice.
"Dammit, Krit, what are you talking about?" Zack asked angrily, then started to move past him without waiting for an answer. Krit whirled and grabbed Zack's shoulder, hauling him backward. He caught his big brother so off-guard that Zack actually went tumbling to the ground, but he rolled and was back on his feet in one fluid motion.
"What the hell was that?!" he yelled. Krit clenched his fists.
"You shouldn't have come here," he repeated, significantly less calm. He was furious.
"Where's Jondy?" Zack was calm.
"You think you can just play with our lives?" he snapped.
"I'm not playing, Krit!" Zack's eyes were shooting daggers at him. "Now where the hell is Jondy?" Krit stood there. "Answer me!"
"I'm not letting you see her," he said.
"What?" Zack asked disbelievingly, then when Krit said nothing again he tried to push past him once more. His brother shoved him back as before, but this time Zack expected it and didn't go down.
"Go away, Zack," Krit said coldly, staring him down. "Go away right now."
"Get out of my way, Krit."
"No." His voice was low and dangerous. "I'm not letting you hurt her again." They glared at each other, tension crackling between them.
"It was the best choice for them," Zack said, quiet and just as dangerous. "You had no right to interfere."
"Dammit!" Krit turned and kicked the two-by-four banister of the front steps, splintering the wood into a thousand pieces. Zack did not look startled; he was used to this. Krit was always either ultra-gentle or ultra-tough, nothing in between.
"She's tried to kill herself." Krit's voice was like ice. "Several times." Zack blinked.
"No." His voice was small.
"Yes," he pushed. "I had to pry the knife from her hand once. You have no idea what you've done here, Zack." There was a long, painful silence before Zack finally spoke.
"I thought it was best." Krit was momentarily taken aback by his soft, scared, vulnerable tone. This was Zack, his big brother, the CO? He'd changed so much over the past year.
"Zack," he said, shaking his head and gazing at him sadly, softening slightly. "I'm sorry, but I can't let you see her. We're making progress... she'll get too upset and I'm afraid she might-" He stopped, dropping his voice to a near-whisper. "She's pregnant." Zack's eyes darkened.
"Is that what you call looking after her?" he snapped. Krit's fist connected so hard and so fast with his face that Zack had no time to even hope to react. Still, he quickly recovered his balance and stood his ground, blood trickling from his nose. Krit stared him down, his fists still clenched in anger. They both stood there dangerously for several moments before Zack slowly relaxed his posture and wiped the blood from his face; he put his hands in his pockets as a tentative peace offering, knowing that his question had been out of line. He backed down; Krit had proven himself to be serious and it went against everything Zack believed in to fight his brother.
"Tell Brin to come out when she wants to go," he said quietly.
"I will," Krit said, equally quiet; Zack's softness was sad, but Krit's was dangerous. Zack nodded and went to wait in the truck. Satisfied, Krit turned away and went back into the house.