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LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 9
Going up to think: one of the many legacies of Ben's childhood imagination and probably the only good one. As far as he knew, every one of his brothers and sisters did it.
"Zane," he said once he'd swung himself onto the roof of an elementary school two blocks away, seeing him standing on the other side of the roof, staring out at the city. He'd already tried a church and a three-storey bowling alley, but his third guess was the place. Zane turned, not looking at all surprised that Krit had found him. Then he looked back out at Pittsburgh without a word and Krit walked over to stand beside him.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked, trying to keep the anger from his voice. Zane gave him a sideways glance.
"Jondy said she hated Zack," he said. "I told her she didn't, not really. It was true."
"Okay," Krit said slowly. "Sure. It's Zack."
"Yeah." Zane let out a long breath. "I hate him, though. I do."
"No."
"Yes," he insisted, looking at Krit. "I really do. I didn't until she told me about the baby, but when she said that..." He shrugged. "I hate him."
"That's big," Krit said, forgetting his anger for a moment. "What's that like?"
"Hating Zack?" Zane laughed at the question, then became serious. "It's kind of sad. Not as scary as I thought it'd be." His eyes darkened slightly. "If he came here now, I'd kill him."
"Right," Krit said weakly, feeling helpless. "Zane, what did she say? What did you say?"
"She didn't tell you?"
"She was crying too much to really say anything intelligible." He'd wanted to hurt Zane, was happy to see the pain cross his face. Krit tried to remember to keep his temper in check.
"That's not what I meant," Zane said, sitting down, swinging his legs over the wall. Such trust, Krit thought, evaluating his brother's weaknesses without meaning to, the soldier part of him always working. I could push him right now, catch him off-guard, and he might not land on his feet. He shook the thought away, sat next to Zane and sighed.
"Are you happy?"
"About the baby? Of course." Zane smiled. "You know me. I love kids."
"Jondy thinks you're angry at her."
"That's not what I meant," Zane said again. He kicked at a light fixture partway down the wall. It broke off, tumbled to the concrete below, shattered. He sighed. "She scares me." Krit nodded.
"Yeah, me too."
"Kind of ridiculous, the two of us afraid of little Jondy." He laughed, but there was no humour in the sound.
"It's not that kind of fear."
"No," Zane agreed. "Listen, I want to thank you for everything you've done for her."
"Come on," Krit said, smiling, touching his shoulder. "You don't have to thank me for that."
"Yeah," Zane said. There was a short silence. "Syl's pretty hung up on you I think." Krit's smile faded; his hand dropped.
"Yeah, maybe. She's weird about it, though. Scared."
"Oh." Zane sighed. "Oh. Well, we're all scared. That's what being an X5 is about." He looked at Krit; his voice was bitter. "Didn't you know that?" Krit shrugged uncomfortably.
"I try not to think about it. Anyway, none of this is about Manticore."
"Sure it is," Zane said. "You think if we'd grown up in the Real World we would be this screwed up? You with your goddamn violent temper, Syl terrified of sex, Jondy slicing her wrists open, me wondering if I could throw you off this roof and how much I love you in the same thought?" Krit's eyebrows raised in surprise at Zane's words, mirroring his earlier thoughts. Zane kicked off another light fixture; it fell and shattered musically against the pavement.
"You still call it that," Krit noted after a moment. "The Real World. Capital letters." Zane shrugged, so Krit continued, "Anyway, you're wrong. If we grew up here, with their rules, their cultural ideas, me and Syl, you and Jondy, we wouldn't be like this. Guys from the Real World don't sleep with their sisters." Zane winced, glanced away.
"Do you have to be so crude?"
"It's the truth."
"I like my truth better."
"There's only one truth." Zane smacked him lightly across the back of the head but somehow the motion managed to come across as loving.
"You sound like a movie," he said. Krit shrugged.
"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "Well, anyway, we should get back."
"I'd like to take Jondy away from all of this," Zane said softly, ignoring him, staring out at Pittsburgh. "Out of this country. We could go to Canada."
"Sure," Krit answered. "You could go to Canada. But what would you really be escaping?"
"Zack, for one."
"Yeah," he said heavily. "I guess."
"We'd call if that's what you're worried about," Zane said. "Write."
"That's not really very high on my list of concerns," Krit told him. "Anyway, that's something you and Jondy have to decide for yourselves."
"I guess," Zane said heavily. He looked down at the ground, sighed. "I'd better pick up those lights," he said. "Kids will be playing here tomorrow." Krit smiled at him.
"You and Jondy are going to be okay," he said. He slapped his brother's shoulder in a friendly manner, stood. "Come on, I'll help you." They went down to where Zane had kicked the lights off, cleared the shards of glass and metal, threw them into a dumpster in the back of the school. The world was dirty and dangerous enough for these kids, why make it any harder? When they were done Krit drove them home in comfortable silence.
"Zane," Jondy said, throwing herself at him when he came through the
door.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I wasn't angry at you. I shouldn't have left."
"It's okay," she said. "I'm too emotional. I jumped to conclusions." Zane smiled into her hair, kissed her.
"Let's go talk," he said, and took her hand, leading her from the room. Syl turned to Krit, both of them having watched the exchange with pleased smiles on their faces.
"You found him," she said.
"Yeah."
"So..." She stood a few feet away from him, fidgeted.
"So," he repeated. She smiled at him, picked up one of Jondy's books and headed into the living room, settling into the sofa to read. He followed, sitting down wordlessly beside her, throwing a blanket over their legs. She leaned her head on his shoulder and put the book down.
"I do love you," she said, soft. He closed his eyes briefly.
"Syl," he said. "I know that."
"Yeah." She was crying, he could hear the tears in her voice. "It's just too much."
"I don't want to get into this again," he told her, a little more harshly than he'd intended. She played with the buttons on his shirt.
"I'm sorry," she said. He touched her cheek, made her look at him.
"I just wish you would tell me," he said. "I mean, do I have to ask Zack?" She actually laughed.
"Zack won't tell you anything," she said. He stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers. A memory suddenly came back to him, one he forgotten until now.
"Zack!" Who was that screaming? "Zack!" Krit's eyes opened; he'd been
sleeping. There was a cramp in his neck from the uncomfortable sofa. Next to him
was a warm spot but its occupant was gone. He must have been about eleven. He
rose slowly, walked down the hall of a cozy house. The voice came again, "Zack!"
"Tinga?" It was her, maybe thirteen. He came around a bend in the hallway and saw Zack just running into one of the rooms. He walked over to it and stopped in its doorway, peered around the doorframe so he wouldn't be seen. They still thought he was asleep. It was Tinga's bedroom; both their backs were to him. "What's wrong with her?" She was crying.
"Where is she?" Zack growled, startling her with his harshness. He was about fourteen.
"She-" Tinga shook her head, looked down at the floor. Krit heard a tiny crying sound, like a kitten, and realized it was coming from under the bed. "She won't come out." Tinga walked toward Zack, her dark eyes smoldering. "What's wrong with her?" she asked again.
"Where's Krit?" Zack asked; Krit held his breath.
"In the living room," Tinga said, and he relaxed slightly. "We were sleeping. I heard her..." She looked at him again. "What's wrong with her, Zack?"
"Go back out there," Zack said softly, ignoring her question. "Leave me with her."
"Tell me, dammit, I'm not a child!" Krit watched Zack actually blink in surprise at this, as though he'd never considered that she could be old enough to handle whatever was going on. The look on his face made a smile cross her lips briefly, and she reached out to touch his arm. "Tell me, Zack. I know something happened to her. I saw the bruises. Tell me what's wrong with her so I can help."
"Go back out there with Krit," Zack said again; his voice was pained. "And close the door behind you." He looked at her. "That's an order, Tinga." She was briefly irritated, but after a moment she turned; Krit jerked his head back from the door, but she was out before he could make it very far down the hall. He felt her hand, soft and comforting against his shoulder.
"Don't worry," she said, her eyes full of the fear she was trying to hide. "Everything's okay."
"What's going on?" Krit asked as she walked him back into the living room, sat them on the sofa. He repeated her own words, "I'm not a child."
"Sure you are, little brother," she said, her dark eyes gathering tears. She hugged him close, wrapped the blanket back around him. "So am I." Another crying sound came from down the hall and she glanced away so she wouldn't have to lie into his eyes, forced a smile. "Syl's fine. Just go to sleep."
Syl pulled away from him, wiping at her cheeks.
"Please," he said slowly, now uncertain if he didn't know already, if it had simply been too horrible to remember. "Please tell me."
"You never pushed before," she said, studying his face, his dark eyes. "You never asked." Her voice was shaking; she sounded so sad. "Why do you have to now?"
"Do you remember going to see Tinga with Zack when we were little?" he asked softly. He heard her sharp intake of breath.
"Don't," she said.
"I was eleven," he continued gently. "You must have been... what, thirteen?" She stood.
"Don't," she whispered again. He got up from the sofa as well, walked over to her, touched her shoulder.
"Please," he said. "What happened, Syl?"
"I said don't!" She whirled, catching him across the face with a punch, sending him careening into the endtable; a vase of flowers toppled, shattered. The phone dropped, fell off the hook. The dial tone filled the room, the only sound in the tense air. Syl was gazing down at him, eyes wide, tears streaming down her face. He stared up at her, speechless. She dropped to her knees beside him, touched the blood running down his face.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her hands shaking. "Oh, I'm sorry."
"Krit?" Zane called from upstairs. "Syl? What's going on?"
"Nothing!" Krit called, finally regaining his voice. "Everything's fine!"
"Okay," Zane said, sounding uncertain. Krit waited until he heard the bedroom door shut upstairs. Syl was crying softly beside him; he sat up.
"I'm okay," he said. "Really, it didn't hurt. You just surprised me. It's fine." Her head dropped into her hands; tiny sobs escaped her lips, not unlike the ones he'd heard that night ten years before.
"Please stop talking," she whispered; he touched her shoulder and she flinched away as though burned. "Just stop," she bit out. "Please. Just stop."
"Okay," he said, backing away slightly, giving her some room. "Okay, it's okay. You're alright."
"No," she said. "No, I'm not."
"Syl-"
"Just leave me alone," she virtually growled at him. "Please, Krit. I don't want to hurt you." She stood up, hurried from the room, into the kitchen. He heard the back door slam and he sat there for a long time, stunned, the blood drying on his face from where she'd almost broken his nose.
To make matters worse, Zack returned the next morning. He wisely parked
in front of the little house and stayed in the truck, sending Brin up to the
front door. Syl quickly left with him, glad to get away from Krit, who she
hadn't spoken to since she'd fled the living room the day before. The other
three X5s were tense for various reasons, but they tried to make small talk with
Brin, genuinely glad to see her.
"He really is sorry," Brin told them. Seeing indifferent shrugs all around, she stifled a sigh and turned to Jondy and Zane. "Congratulations," she said.
"Thank you," Jondy answered sincerely, her face lighting up slightly. Krit watched Zane take her hand and smiled; they seemed to be tentatively getting to know one another again. They'd both changed so much, he knew it would take time, but he was confident that they would be fine now that they were together again.
"Brin," he said. "Zack isn't very popular around here. Let's talk about something else, okay?"
"How are you?" Zane asked.
"I'm good," she said. "We've been moving around a lot. It suits me."
"You've seen everyone?"
"Yeah. They're all doing fine. Case is getting big."
"Case?" The other three X5s exchanged surprised glances.
"Sure," she said. "He's almost eight now."
"You've seen him?" Krit asked.
"Of course. Zack checks on him. He's in Canada, but just over the border. Actually, it's easy because he's living right near-" She stopped. "Well, I'm not supposed to say where the rest of us are." She looked apologetic but obviously had no intention of saying anything more about it.
"Why is he back now?"
"I don't know. He said after last time..." Her eyes slid to Krit. "He said he wouldn't want to come back for a long time. He said that every day for a week." She shrugged. "It took me a little while but I realized he was actually saying that he did want to come back here." Brin sighed, looked at Zane and Jondy. "He really is sorry," she said again. "He didn't know."
"He could have asked," Zane said bitterly.
"You could have told him," she countered gently. There was a brief silence.
"I'll see him," Jondy said suddenly, surprising them all.
"Really?" Brin asked, brightening.
"Yeah." She sounded almost angry, as though someone was forcing her. "Though I'm sure I'll regret it." She looked at Zane. "What about you?"
"I have no interest in seeing Zack," he said. She put a hand on his arm.
"It would make me happy," she said. "If there's a chance things could be like they were before..." All four X5s' eyes glazed over slightly with memories: before Brin's reindoctrination, before Zack's amnesia, before Ben and Tinga's deaths, before Jondy and Zane's estrangement from Zack, before Syl punched Krit or ever slept with him... Just before. Childhood. Simple, uncomplicated, loving, even with Manticore around them.
The escape had been the best thing for them, of course, despite everything that had happened afterward, but none of them had really known then just what they would be leaving behind- the family, love, kinship, safety and security they had amongst themselves, the only thing that had been impossible to reproduce in the Real World. In Manticore they'd just been frightened children not wanting to be scared anymore. But Krit often wondered, as he was sure most of the others did, whether or not he would have chosen to escape had he truly known all that he would be giving up.
"Anyway," Zane's voice cut through his thoughts. "If Jondy wants to talk to him I'll be here." His eyes darkened slightly. "I'm not leaving him alone with you," he said to Jondy. "He might try to force you away somewhere again."
"Zane," Krit said, then wondered why he was defending Zack. "Never mind." Brin looked like she wanted to protest, but wisely decided against it. She stood, smiled through the tension in the room.
"I'll set it up," she said.