Please check out my X5 website- http://devoted.to/x5
A/N: Okay, this chapter goes way deeper into the events of my short story "Children of a Broken World - A Long Way to Eden" than previous chapters of this or any of the other VM stories did. Before I suggested you read it- now I really think you might not understand fully if you don't. http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=496938
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 10
"I'm in such bad shape," Syl complained early the next morning, dropping into one of the living room chairs. Krit was at work but would be back in a few hours; Jondy and Zane were reading at different ends of the sofa, a blanket shared between them. Zane rolled his eyes at her.
"Oh, definitely," he said wryly. "Horrible shape." He eyed her flat stomach and she blushed.
"I can't believe you guys don't have at least an exercise bike," she said, breathing a dramatic sigh. "I guess I'll actually have to go jogging or something."
"You and I could do the Jondy-Zane workout," Zane said; Syl narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously as Jondy hid a giggle behind her hand.
"What's that?" Syl asked. Zane smiled, stood up and pulled her to her feet as well. He threw a punch at her, missing on purpose. Syl laughed, glanced at Jondy.
"You guys used to play fight to keep in shape?" she asked, smiling at Zane and readying her fists. He threw another punch, this time much more serious, though he still didn't touch her. Jondy sighed wistfully from the sofa, putting a hand over her stomach.
"I used to have so much fun doing that," she said melodramatically. "Ah well, looks like it's just you and me now, kiddo." Zane smiled over at her and Syl caught him off-guard, cuffing him. He grinned at her standing before him, a grin on her face as she raised her fists against him. He faked a punch to the right, then one to the left, then hooked a leg behind both of hers, tripping her but reaching out to catch her before she hit the floor.
"Oh, I like this," Syl said, grinning as he steadied her onto her feet. He stepped back and resumed his attack stance. She threw a couple of punches and landed a soft kick in his stomach, throwing him back a foot lightly. He grinned back at her, threw another punch, but she managed to dodge the blow and the next two, dancing out of his reach. Zane grabbed her around the waist, tumbling with her onto the carpeted floor, pinning her down.
"One... two... three..." Jondy called as Syl struggled under his weight, laughing.
"Oh, looks like I win," he said, smiling down at her. He snaked his hands from her shoulders to her stomach, under her arms, grinning as he remembered how she'd laughed, loud and uninhibited, when he'd tickled her as a child. Suddenly her entire body stiffened. He shot her a questioning look, sensing the change. Jondy's brow furrowed and she exchanged a look with him.
"Don't," Syl said softly, her smile gone, the light in her eyes now cold, her voice dead serious; she squeezed her eyes closed.
"Syl?" he asked, frozen. Had he hurt her? What was going on? "What-"
"Hey!" Zack suddenly yelled from the doorway; three pairs of eyes shot to him in surprise. Brin was standing just behind him. He stepped into the room. "Don't do that," he said. Zane slowly removed his hands and sat back, letting Syl up.
"Don't tickle me," she said, her voice shaking slightly.
"Sorry," he said from the floor as she stood and dropped onto the sofa, hugging her knees to her chin. Zack shot her a look and she forced herself to smile.
"It's okay," she said to him. "I'm fine." She looked at Zane. "Really, don't worry. I just don't like to be tickled. You couldn't know."
"You used to," was all he could say. Jondy was remaining silent, gazing at them.
"Yeah, well now she doesn't," Zack said. Zane glared at him; once his concern over having possibly hurt Syl had faded, he remembered his anger toward Zack.
"So you're here," he said. Zack sensed the change in his posture and attitude and nodded slowly.
"Yeah." His eyes slid to Jondy. "You wanted to talk."
"I'll go," Syl said, walking over to Brin. "Come with me. We'll go for a walk."
"Sure," Brin said; she smiled at the others. "Let's go." They turned to the door but Zack caught Syl's arm. Zane frowned in confusion as they exchanged a complicated series of gazes and then Syl touched his shoulder lightly.
"I'm fine," she said again. Zack nodded and watched her leave, then turned hesitantly to Jondy and Zane, sitting down slowly in the chair next to the sofa. There was a long, uncomfortable silence.
They ended up at the same coffee shop Syl and Zane had met Krit at when
he'd announced that Jondy was suicidal.
"That must have been hard," Brin said gently as she sipped her latte. She smiled at the taste.
"How are you?" Syl asked, avoiding the statement and all the pain attached to it. "How are you doing?"
"I'm good," Brin assured her. "Like I said, I remembered almost everything, and what I didn't Zack's been helping me get back." She smiled a little. "He tells me stories from our childhood. Mostly I remember them, but it's nice to hear him tell them, to get them from his perspective."
"Hold onto that," Syl advised. "It's not often Zack talks about the past." Brin nodded.
"Yeah," she said. "That's what I thought." She looked at Syl, hesitated. "What was the tickling thing about?" Syl took a sip of her coffee.
"I don't want to talk about that," she said. Brin nodded; she knew about complicated pasts, secrets that were so painful they became forgotten even to those who'd experienced them. Brin had her own history, her own scars to contend with, or not if she so chose. She smiled at Syl and let it go.
"Do you need any money?" Zack asked finally; Zane shook his head, eyes
dark. Beside him, Jondy bit her lip and looked away. Zack acknowledged that with
the briefest of nods, sat back into the chair. He looked around the room.
"Nice place," he said.
"That's what you said last time." Jondy managed a smile.
"Yeah, right before you split us up," Zane added; her smile fell away and she cringed. "How did that work in your head, Zack?" he continued icily. "Did you convince yourself it was good for us? Or is it still always about what's good for you?"
"Zane," Jondy said softly; he stopped, but his expression made it clear it was only for her sake.
"What did you want to talk about, Jondy?" Zack asked softly, staring at the coffee table and not at her. She let out a long breath and raised her blue eyes to his.
"I wanted to know why," she said. "Like he said, except less mean." She touched Zane's arm before he could become annoyed at that comment.
"I didn't know," Zack said. "I really didn't."
"How convenient," Zane spat bitterly. "You could have asked." Jondy turned her head, said something into his ear so soft that even Zack couldn't hear it. Zane's jaw relaxed slightly and he nodded.
"Sorry," he said gently to her, then looked sharply at Zack. "This conversation is important to her, but that's the only reason I'm going to be nice from now on." Then he leaned back into the sofa and crossed his arms over his chest.
"I didn't know the whole story," Zack admitted, falling right back into the original conversation despite Zane's disruption. He glanced away. "I should have realized, though." He smiled a little. "You're going to be a mother, Jondy."
"Yes."
"Since when do you care?" Zane hissed. "I thought it was all sentimental lies and dead Tinga to you." Zane glanced at Jondy, winced at her expression. "Sorry."
"Don't bring Tinga into this." Zack's voice was dangerous. Zane stood up, knew he was right, that the statement had been out of line, disrespectful to her memory.
"I'm sorry I said that," he said. "But not for you, for her." Zack rose to his feet; it annoyed Zane that he was an inch shorter than Zack was.
"I've had just about enough-"
"Stop fighting!" Jondy snapped. They fell silent, their eyes sliding to her before they sat back down slowly, tension virtually crackling between them.
"I thought it would be best for you," Zack said slowly. "I thought it would be easier for you now, if you didn't have to lose each other another way." He swallowed. "A worse way, like some of the rest of us have had to lose each other."
"If only you'd asked," Jondy said, her voice quiet with the sadness of someone who'd said those words, 'if only,' too many times. "If only you'd just asked."
"Why didn't you tell me, Jondy?" he asked quietly. He looked at Zane, giving him a soft look that said, I'm not blaming her, I'm just asking.
"I don't know," she whispered in a pained voice. "I was confused. I had just only found out about the baby, and-" She stopped, shook her head, brushed a tear away.
"Does it really matter?" Zack asked softly. "It's done now."
"No," Zane said, shaking his head, his anger taking over his promise to Jondy again. "No, that's what they taught us in Manticore. 'Forget your losses, forget the fallen soldiers that dropped away in training, on missions, in the field.'" He glared at Zack. "Well that's not going to happen now. They were my brothers and sisters, and it killed me to have to ignore them dead on the ground. I'm not going to be that soldier anymore- they can't make me now. I escaped, Zack! So I won't forget, I won't get over it. Not Ben, not Tinga, not this!" He stood up, fists clenched, knowing that if he stayed any longer he would end up getting in a fight. His gaze softened slightly as he glanced at Jondy. "I'm sorry," he said, and left the room. Jondy felt tears stinging her eyes and forced them back; she stared down at her hands.
"I'm still angry at you..." she said softly; he saw her eyes mist over, watched her struggle with her tears. "Don't think I'm getting over what you did anytime soon..." He nodded but said nothing, sensing her need to get this out. "I just..." She looked at him, let out a long sigh that ended in something like a sob. She wiped at her tears. "Could you..." She looked at him. "Could you hold me, Zack, please?" He was obviously surprised at the request. "I'm not getting over what happened," she said again; her voice was tiny. "But you always made me feel so safe." Zack stare at her for several moments, then stood up slowly, walked over to the sofa, sat next to her.
"It's okay, Jondy." He stroked her short blonde hair, touched her cheek; after a moment's hesitation she leaned into him and let him wrap his arms around her. "It's okay," he whispered. She sighed into his chest, forcing herself to forget, for just a moment, all her pain and anger. She knew what Zane had said was true, but sometimes it was nice to forget, even if just for a brief time. It was easier that way, and it didn't hurt as much. She relaxed into Zack's warm embrace and let her tears fall.
Brin and Zack left that evening. It was already crowded enough in Jondy's
little house with three extra occupants living in it, and Zane didn't
particularly want Zack sleeping in the same house with him anyway.
"I'm glad we talked," Zack said to Jondy; she smiled slightly, nodded. Zane's glare fell away slightly as he saw the happiness on her face, then came back almost immediately. Zack pushed a wad of cash into her hand, at least two grand, probably more. She smiled gratefully.
"Thanks," she said; Zack shrugged a humble it's-my-job shrug and smiled.
"Stay safe," Brin said. "Call if you need us."
"We will," Krit told her, yawning a little from last night's work as a bouncer at a nearby bar. He pulled Brin and then Zack into his arms. Zane hugged Brin next, pointedly ignoring Zack, but Jondy gave him a quick embrace before pulling her sister into her arms, brushing the dark hair out of her face and smiling lovingly. Syl went out to the car with them, and Krit watched her and Zack talking, softly, smiling at one another, an understanding and comfort between them that he didn't see between Zack and anyone else but Max, though it was different with her. As he watched Zack hug Syl softly, touch her hair, for some reason it pissed him off. At first he thought that maybe it was because he was jealous, though he quickly decided he had no suspicion at all that there was anything between them.
Then he realized he was angry because Zack had access to knowledge he didn't: what had happened to Syl ten years before, something he had been shielded from then and even now. If he was to pursue a meaningful relationship with her, shouldn't he know about it? Zack and Syl seemed to both agree that he shouldn't, despite the fact that he was now a responsible adult. As much as he hated to admit it, it annoyed the hell out of him.
"Hey," Syl said as she rejoined him, walking through the front door and smiling, trailing a hand down one of his arms. She was in an unusually good mood. He caught her hand, held it; she shot him a questioning look. "What?"
"We need to talk," he said. Her good-natured smile faded.
"No we don't." She struggled out of his grip, went further into the house, into the kitchen where Zane and Jondy were making dinner. "Zane, what are we having?" she asked; he turned and smiled, opened his mouth to respond, then saw Krit's expression.
"I'm not getting in the middle of that," he said; Jondy raised her eyes from the spaghetti sauce she was making and looked at them.
"What's up?"
"I think Krit's trying to ask her about that thing she won't talk about," he whispered in her ear; she nodded knowingly though she had no idea what he was referring to.
"Well," she said. "We're making dinner. Go fight somewhere else, okay?"
"Fine," Krit said, then to Syl, "Come on." She reluctantly allowed him to take her hand and lead her out the back door, grabbing their jackets on the way out and tossing her one. She pulled it on and sat down on a rock edging the garden a previous tenant had tried to create but which had gone wild through Jondy's ordeal. He sat next to her on another large rock. They stared up at the sky for a long time, stars slowly appearing in the gathering dusk.
"I don't mean to push," he said finally. "But you used to tell me everything." His voice was full of pain.
"I didn't tell you before," she said gently. "I didn't tell you everything." That did not help how he was feeling.
"I thought you did."
"Yeah, well, I'm sure you've kept things from me." She wasn't looking down from the sky. He gazed at her, watched her beautiful profile, smiled a little.
"I didn't, Syl," he said. "How could I?" He stroked her cheek and turned her head gently toward him, touching his lips softly against hers. She wrenched away from him suddenly, her face tense.
"You can't just kiss me and fix everything, Krit, that's not how it works," she said. "I'm not telling you because I don't want to talk about it."
"But you told Zack," he said angrily.
"He was there!" she cried.
"So was I!"
"Only after, that doesn't count!" she shouted at him.
"After what?" he yelled, confused and frustrated. "Tell me, dammit!"
"I don't have to! It's my choice!"
"They're fighting," Zane said, turning to Jondy. A blob of spaghetti
sauce hit his cheek, oozed down toward his chin; he reached up and brushed it
away. "That was interesting," he said, grinning at her.
"I thought so," she said. "Kiss me."
"Because they're fighting?" he asked, already obliging her request, prowling toward her.
"No," she said, grasping his strong arms as he backed her up against the counter. "Because we haven't kissed- really kissed- in forever and I miss it." Zane leaned down and smiled as his lips met hers. She wound her arms around his head, sighing into his lips as he deepened the kiss, his tongue seekining out her own. She stroked his soft red hair, trailing her hands down the sides of his face before pulling him closer by his shoulders.
"Krit," Syl said. "This was a mistake." She stood, headed for the back
door of the house. "This won't work. It never did."
"Fine!" he yelled at her retreating form, angry. "Just run away! Run away like you did before!" She stopped.
"I didn't run away," she said icily, turning to him with smoldering dark eyes. "I don't run."
"Whatever you have to tell yourself," he said cruelly; she took a step back as though he'd struck her.
"Do you think this is easy?" she asked.
"I don't know because you won't tell me!" He reached for her but she flattened herself against the house and glared at him.
"Don't," she bit out, her words intentionally spaced. "Touch. Me." He dropped his hand.
"Did you kill someone?" he asked; she met his eyes sharply.
"Don't guess."
"Did Lydecker find you?"
"No."
"Did you sleep with Zack?"
"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response," she hissed at him, turning back toward the house. He grabbed her shoulders, pinning her against the wall.
"I'm not finished talking."
"You're hurting me," she said icily, slight fear flashing beneath the anger in her eyes. He let go.
"Were you having trouble at home?" he asked softly, drawing on his own life for ideas. "Was it your foster family?" He saw panic cross her features before her eyes went cold again.
"Stop guessing," she whispered.
"What was it?" he asked. "What did they do to you?"
"Stop it," she said again, quiet, afraid.
"Syl," he said. "What did they do? Did they beat you?"
"Don't."
"Did they-" Before he could finish she suddenly turned and ran from him, heading at enhanced speed into the house. He followed her inside more slowly and saw her using the phone in the living room. Jondy and Zane wisely let him pass without comment, though they both looked worried. Syl was crying.
"Yes, now," she was saying, her voice choked with tears. "Please. How long?" She nodded shakily. "Yes," she said, obviously trying to keep her voice strong. Then it broke again as she dissolved into more tears. "Yes, just... please... Okay. Bye." She hung up the phone.
"Syl-" he said. She turned and surprised him by falling into his arms, clutching at him, crying.
"I do love you," she kept saying. She kissed him softly, once, her lips light but needy against his. "I do love you." Zack came barely ten minutes later, collected her without a word. She hugged Zane and Jondy, pressed another soft kiss to Krit's lips, and then she was gone.