Legend of Dragoon: The (Not-So) Divine Comedies
By DiamondClaw
Legal Stuff
I do not own Legend of Dragoon, Sony, or jokes borrowed from certain TV shows (you know what they are)
Prologue:
(enter Kongol.)
Kongol: Kongol tell you tale of buddies who kill stuff. Now sit down or Kongol SMASH!!! (He pulls out his axe. The sound of people sitting down on squeaky bean bag chairs all at once is heard.)
Kongol: That better. Now, once upon a time…..
1 ACT 1, SCENE 1
(Enter Rose, dressed in a tacky, Juliet-like gown.)
Rose (in Shakespearian voice.) Oh…(in normal voice) What the hell is this?
(DiamondClaw, the handsome author, appears.)
DiamondClaw: Damn it! This is my story, you do what I say!
Rose: Make me!
DiamondClaw: I command you to cluck like a chicken!
Rose: Go to hell! Why would I…(Rose starts clucking.) How did you do that?
DiamondClaw: This is my story. You're in it. Do the math.
(Albert walks onto the stage)
Albert: And Melbu Frahma hath returned from the dead…
Rose: Can it, Romeo. This guy thinks he runs this story!
DC: I do, damnit! I'm the @!#?$!'n author!
Albert: Ha! You want me to kill him?
Rose: Please do.
DC: Try me. (pulls out a huge sword.)
Albert: Die! (Albert goes into a furious rage, stabbing and thrusting. When all is finished, a blue '2' pops up.) What!?
DC: Now do you believe me? I own this story!
Legal Guy: But not Legend of Dragoon, Sony, or any other bigwig companies. Please don't sue!
DC: Thanks to the Legal Guy! Now, back to the story.
Rose: Prove that you own this story. Kill Meru.
DC: I was planning on doing that anyway.
(Meru walks onto the stage. Suddenly, a yellow '9999' appears. Meru slumps to the ground, lifeless.)
Rose: Works for me.
(Enter Dart, sword in hand.)
Dart: Yes, fair maiden…(notices Rose, Al, and DC arguing.) Hey! Whose Line! Neato torpedo!
Rose: And since when did Dart's IQ drop drastically? (thinks for a moment.) Oh, wait. It's always been like that!
DC: Okay, folks. Since we screwed up the story, let's just wing it, ok?
Dart (just noticing Meru's corpse): OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED MERU! YOU BASTARD!
DC: Well, duh. Can we just get on with the story?
(Haschel walks on stage. He is dressed normally, and carries a trophy.)
Haschel: Look at my shiny new trophy, guys!
(DiamondClaw's eyes turn red. A laser beam shoots out and hits the trophy, melting it.)
Dart: How did you do that?
DC: Heat vision!
Rose: Where did you get heat vision?
DC: Uh….internet?
Haschel: WAHH! You melted my trophy! I'm telling on you! MOMMY!!! (He runs off.)
Rose: Why does HE get heat vision and all I get is the ability to level cities with a single spell?
Albert: And why haven't I said anything in over 20 lines?
DC: Because I don't like you. So there. (raspberries.)
Albert: You MUST like me! As King of Serdio, I COMMAND YOU!
DC: And as King of This Story, I COMMAND YOU to shut the hell up!
Dart: What about me?
DC: I wish you had a muzzle! (A muzzle appears over Dart's mouth.) And a cage! (A cage appears.) Smaller cage. (The cage shrinks.) Now, anyone else who defies me gets the Meru treatment! Any takers? (Rose and Al stand still, quiet.) Good then!
(Lloyd walks in, as Melbu Frahma.)
Lloyd: Ha! Prepare for my 976,000th generation!
DC: Oy vey…
(A screaming fangirl appears.)
Fangirl: Like, oh my god, it's LLOYD! (She rushes up to him.) Like, can I have your like, autograph?
Lloyd: Sure. Let me get my…(begins to step away)…pen. (makes a mad dash for the exit.)
Fangirl: Like, come back, Lloyd! We were meant to be together!! (she runs off after him.)
DC: Well folks, we tried to put on a show…
Rose: And failed miserably.
DC: You shut up now! (A muzzle appears over Rose's mouth.) Anyways…we'll see you again for Scene 2, if you're stupid enough to watch this freak show. Bye for now!
-----===FIN Act 1 Scene 1===-----
(Author's Note: I do not bash any character just for the hell of it. I do this to add flavor to the story, and I don't actually hate any character [except for that damned Melbu Frahma]. So please, don't flame. And review this story, please!)
By DiamondClaw
Legal Stuff
I do not own Legend of Dragoon, Sony, or jokes borrowed from certain TV shows (you know what they are)
Prologue:
(enter Kongol.)
Kongol: Kongol tell you tale of buddies who kill stuff. Now sit down or Kongol SMASH!!! (He pulls out his axe. The sound of people sitting down on squeaky bean bag chairs all at once is heard.)
Kongol: That better. Now, once upon a time…..
1 ACT 1, SCENE 1
(Enter Rose, dressed in a tacky, Juliet-like gown.)
Rose (in Shakespearian voice.) Oh…(in normal voice) What the hell is this?
(DiamondClaw, the handsome author, appears.)
DiamondClaw: Damn it! This is my story, you do what I say!
Rose: Make me!
DiamondClaw: I command you to cluck like a chicken!
Rose: Go to hell! Why would I…(Rose starts clucking.) How did you do that?
DiamondClaw: This is my story. You're in it. Do the math.
(Albert walks onto the stage)
Albert: And Melbu Frahma hath returned from the dead…
Rose: Can it, Romeo. This guy thinks he runs this story!
DC: I do, damnit! I'm the @!#?$!'n author!
Albert: Ha! You want me to kill him?
Rose: Please do.
DC: Try me. (pulls out a huge sword.)
Albert: Die! (Albert goes into a furious rage, stabbing and thrusting. When all is finished, a blue '2' pops up.) What!?
DC: Now do you believe me? I own this story!
Legal Guy: But not Legend of Dragoon, Sony, or any other bigwig companies. Please don't sue!
DC: Thanks to the Legal Guy! Now, back to the story.
Rose: Prove that you own this story. Kill Meru.
DC: I was planning on doing that anyway.
(Meru walks onto the stage. Suddenly, a yellow '9999' appears. Meru slumps to the ground, lifeless.)
Rose: Works for me.
(Enter Dart, sword in hand.)
Dart: Yes, fair maiden…(notices Rose, Al, and DC arguing.) Hey! Whose Line! Neato torpedo!
Rose: And since when did Dart's IQ drop drastically? (thinks for a moment.) Oh, wait. It's always been like that!
DC: Okay, folks. Since we screwed up the story, let's just wing it, ok?
Dart (just noticing Meru's corpse): OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED MERU! YOU BASTARD!
DC: Well, duh. Can we just get on with the story?
(Haschel walks on stage. He is dressed normally, and carries a trophy.)
Haschel: Look at my shiny new trophy, guys!
(DiamondClaw's eyes turn red. A laser beam shoots out and hits the trophy, melting it.)
Dart: How did you do that?
DC: Heat vision!
Rose: Where did you get heat vision?
DC: Uh….internet?
Haschel: WAHH! You melted my trophy! I'm telling on you! MOMMY!!! (He runs off.)
Rose: Why does HE get heat vision and all I get is the ability to level cities with a single spell?
Albert: And why haven't I said anything in over 20 lines?
DC: Because I don't like you. So there. (raspberries.)
Albert: You MUST like me! As King of Serdio, I COMMAND YOU!
DC: And as King of This Story, I COMMAND YOU to shut the hell up!
Dart: What about me?
DC: I wish you had a muzzle! (A muzzle appears over Dart's mouth.) And a cage! (A cage appears.) Smaller cage. (The cage shrinks.) Now, anyone else who defies me gets the Meru treatment! Any takers? (Rose and Al stand still, quiet.) Good then!
(Lloyd walks in, as Melbu Frahma.)
Lloyd: Ha! Prepare for my 976,000th generation!
DC: Oy vey…
(A screaming fangirl appears.)
Fangirl: Like, oh my god, it's LLOYD! (She rushes up to him.) Like, can I have your like, autograph?
Lloyd: Sure. Let me get my…(begins to step away)…pen. (makes a mad dash for the exit.)
Fangirl: Like, come back, Lloyd! We were meant to be together!! (she runs off after him.)
DC: Well folks, we tried to put on a show…
Rose: And failed miserably.
DC: You shut up now! (A muzzle appears over Rose's mouth.) Anyways…we'll see you again for Scene 2, if you're stupid enough to watch this freak show. Bye for now!
-----===FIN Act 1 Scene 1===-----
(Author's Note: I do not bash any character just for the hell of it. I do this to add flavor to the story, and I don't actually hate any character [except for that damned Melbu Frahma]. So please, don't flame. And review this story, please!)