Legend of Dragoon: The (Not-So) Divine Comedies
by DiamondClaw
Legal Stuff
I do not own LoD, Sony, Totally Spies, Fairly OddParents, or anything else I may mention in this fic. The people who own these shows and companies are really, really nice and they would never sue me. Thanks!
Prologue:
(enter Kongol, yet again.)
Kongol: Welcome back to story. DiamondClaw finally stop Alan Keyes, so Kongol happy that he still have job. And where Kongol's meal?
Girl: Right here, Mr. Kongol.
Kongol: This orange juice have pulp in it! Kongol smash...(looks at box)...Florida! But Kongol save destruction for later and tell story.
(When we last left DiamondClaw and his merry band of idiots, Rose was in a state of perpetual angst, Albert was being marketed to a can company, Dart was being more of a wuss than a crybaby Crimson Chin, Miranda showed up late, and Meru was still dead. Also, DC's good buddy Darkstorm joined the fray. Can they actually start a play, or are they just doomed to a death sentence of eternal idiocy?)
ACT 1, SCENE 3: Et Tu, Good Conscience?
(DiamondClaw, Darkstorm, Rose, and Miranda are on stage. Dart is backstage, assuming the same position he was concieved in. Albert is still in the can, but strangely, no screams for help come from it.)
Rose: Is he alive in there?
Darkstorm: Seeing as how DiamondClaw has a streak of cruel and unusual punishment? Probably not.
DiamondClaw: He's alive. (DC snaps his fingers. Albert reverse vacuums out of the can, visibly shaken.) But he's also scarred for life.
Albert: The horror...the horror...!
DS: And you can bet he's claustrophobic as an added bonus, too.
DC: Snap out of it before you force me to beat you about the head and shoulders! (He slaps Albert in the face a few times. After a few minutes of this, the shaken king returns to his senses.)
Miranda: Like, are you alright, Al?
DC: Like, can you quit talking like Clover? That accent is SO five minutes ago. As if!
DS: You frighten me, DC.
DC: Why is it that all of the women are nutcases, and all of the men are wussies?
DS: Search me.
(The ghost of Lavitz floats onto the stage.)
Lavitz(breathing heavily): Luke...I am your father...
DC: Wrong stage. The Darth Vader tryouts are down the hall.
Lavitz: Damn! I swear, being an undead really takes a toll on your brain! But, the pension I get more than makes up for it. Well, so long! (He floats away.)
Albert(dramatically): Lavitz! Come back! You know I can't defend myself! Noooooo!
Rose: Damn! That's true thespian material!
Albert(bowing): Thank you, thank you. No autographs please, just throw money.
DC: Ouch. I can feel my intelligence slipping away. Soon, I will become a handsome but vapid airhead.
DS: Then I can take over this fic!
DC: There's about as much chance of that happening as Osama bin Laden becoming a peace-loving pacifist.
DS: Hey! I can dream, can't I?
Miranda: Like, what about Dart?
DC: Oh yeah, I almost forgot about Captain Fetal over there. Observe. (DC does the creepy laser-beam thing. A beam of light blasts out and hits Dart. He stands up, ruffles his hair, and walks on stage calmly.)
DS: See that, folks? Those are your tax dollars at work!
Dart: Hey! Do I have a free will yet?
DC: In this story, the closest thing you'll ever have to a free will is a Dragoons' Union. Get it?
Dart: Got it.
DC: Good. So, everybody's here?
Albert: Well, almost everybody...(points to Meru's corpse)
DC: Do I have to?
DS: Do it. If you just let it stay, it'll stink up the whole auditorium. Do you really want this place smelling like a morgue?
DC: This is a publicly funded building. Doesn't it already smell like a morgue?
DS: ...
DC: Oh, fine. But don't come crying to me when she annoys you to death! (DC snaps his fingers. Meru stands up, and promptly starts babbling junk.)
Meru: And I want a car, and a train set, and a PS2...
Rose: She was better off dead. Can't you kill her again?
DC: Nope. (A book appears) The Rules state that the same spell cannot be used on the same person twice. (the book disappears)
Rose: It could be worse. She could be Tinky-Winky!
Albert: I wish she was. Then Jerry Falwell could kill her for us!
Meru: All your base are belong to us! (She begins to sing this like a song. Dart drops to the floor and assumes the Crimson Chin position.)
DC: I never said my eye beam was 100% successful...
DS: Tax dollars at work? I guess many people aren't afraid of the IRS anymore.
DC: Damn you, Dart! Get up!
Rose: Dart's always been like this. Ever since...
(She goes into a flashback. A young Dart is sitting on the floor playing Zero Wing.)
Little Dart: Oh lookie how far I made it!
Guy on Screen: All your base are belong to us! Ha ha ha ha! (The Game Over screen appears.)
Little Dart: Noooo! 37 hours and this is what I got? Mommy! (He puts his head between his legs and assumes the fetal position. The flashback ends.)
Rose: And that's how it was...
DC: Oy...
Miranda: Chill, Meru!
Meru: (still singing the 'All Your Base' song.)
Miranda: That's it! (Miranda pulls out her bow and fires on Meru. A yellow '3' appears. Meru, unfazed, continues singing.)
Albert: Damn! She's weaker than Freugel!
DC(slapping face): Where did I go wrong? Maybe it was the fact that I spent the entire budget for this fic on Ramen noodles? Well, it doesn't matter, because we're out of time for now. Like Paul Harvey, I bid you...good day!
-ACT 1 SCENE 3 Fin.-
(See author's note, A1 S1.)
by DiamondClaw
Legal Stuff
I do not own LoD, Sony, Totally Spies, Fairly OddParents, or anything else I may mention in this fic. The people who own these shows and companies are really, really nice and they would never sue me. Thanks!
Prologue:
(enter Kongol, yet again.)
Kongol: Welcome back to story. DiamondClaw finally stop Alan Keyes, so Kongol happy that he still have job. And where Kongol's meal?
Girl: Right here, Mr. Kongol.
Kongol: This orange juice have pulp in it! Kongol smash...(looks at box)...Florida! But Kongol save destruction for later and tell story.
(When we last left DiamondClaw and his merry band of idiots, Rose was in a state of perpetual angst, Albert was being marketed to a can company, Dart was being more of a wuss than a crybaby Crimson Chin, Miranda showed up late, and Meru was still dead. Also, DC's good buddy Darkstorm joined the fray. Can they actually start a play, or are they just doomed to a death sentence of eternal idiocy?)
ACT 1, SCENE 3: Et Tu, Good Conscience?
(DiamondClaw, Darkstorm, Rose, and Miranda are on stage. Dart is backstage, assuming the same position he was concieved in. Albert is still in the can, but strangely, no screams for help come from it.)
Rose: Is he alive in there?
Darkstorm: Seeing as how DiamondClaw has a streak of cruel and unusual punishment? Probably not.
DiamondClaw: He's alive. (DC snaps his fingers. Albert reverse vacuums out of the can, visibly shaken.) But he's also scarred for life.
Albert: The horror...the horror...!
DS: And you can bet he's claustrophobic as an added bonus, too.
DC: Snap out of it before you force me to beat you about the head and shoulders! (He slaps Albert in the face a few times. After a few minutes of this, the shaken king returns to his senses.)
Miranda: Like, are you alright, Al?
DC: Like, can you quit talking like Clover? That accent is SO five minutes ago. As if!
DS: You frighten me, DC.
DC: Why is it that all of the women are nutcases, and all of the men are wussies?
DS: Search me.
(The ghost of Lavitz floats onto the stage.)
Lavitz(breathing heavily): Luke...I am your father...
DC: Wrong stage. The Darth Vader tryouts are down the hall.
Lavitz: Damn! I swear, being an undead really takes a toll on your brain! But, the pension I get more than makes up for it. Well, so long! (He floats away.)
Albert(dramatically): Lavitz! Come back! You know I can't defend myself! Noooooo!
Rose: Damn! That's true thespian material!
Albert(bowing): Thank you, thank you. No autographs please, just throw money.
DC: Ouch. I can feel my intelligence slipping away. Soon, I will become a handsome but vapid airhead.
DS: Then I can take over this fic!
DC: There's about as much chance of that happening as Osama bin Laden becoming a peace-loving pacifist.
DS: Hey! I can dream, can't I?
Miranda: Like, what about Dart?
DC: Oh yeah, I almost forgot about Captain Fetal over there. Observe. (DC does the creepy laser-beam thing. A beam of light blasts out and hits Dart. He stands up, ruffles his hair, and walks on stage calmly.)
DS: See that, folks? Those are your tax dollars at work!
Dart: Hey! Do I have a free will yet?
DC: In this story, the closest thing you'll ever have to a free will is a Dragoons' Union. Get it?
Dart: Got it.
DC: Good. So, everybody's here?
Albert: Well, almost everybody...(points to Meru's corpse)
DC: Do I have to?
DS: Do it. If you just let it stay, it'll stink up the whole auditorium. Do you really want this place smelling like a morgue?
DC: This is a publicly funded building. Doesn't it already smell like a morgue?
DS: ...
DC: Oh, fine. But don't come crying to me when she annoys you to death! (DC snaps his fingers. Meru stands up, and promptly starts babbling junk.)
Meru: And I want a car, and a train set, and a PS2...
Rose: She was better off dead. Can't you kill her again?
DC: Nope. (A book appears) The Rules state that the same spell cannot be used on the same person twice. (the book disappears)
Rose: It could be worse. She could be Tinky-Winky!
Albert: I wish she was. Then Jerry Falwell could kill her for us!
Meru: All your base are belong to us! (She begins to sing this like a song. Dart drops to the floor and assumes the Crimson Chin position.)
DC: I never said my eye beam was 100% successful...
DS: Tax dollars at work? I guess many people aren't afraid of the IRS anymore.
DC: Damn you, Dart! Get up!
Rose: Dart's always been like this. Ever since...
(She goes into a flashback. A young Dart is sitting on the floor playing Zero Wing.)
Little Dart: Oh lookie how far I made it!
Guy on Screen: All your base are belong to us! Ha ha ha ha! (The Game Over screen appears.)
Little Dart: Noooo! 37 hours and this is what I got? Mommy! (He puts his head between his legs and assumes the fetal position. The flashback ends.)
Rose: And that's how it was...
DC: Oy...
Miranda: Chill, Meru!
Meru: (still singing the 'All Your Base' song.)
Miranda: That's it! (Miranda pulls out her bow and fires on Meru. A yellow '3' appears. Meru, unfazed, continues singing.)
Albert: Damn! She's weaker than Freugel!
DC(slapping face): Where did I go wrong? Maybe it was the fact that I spent the entire budget for this fic on Ramen noodles? Well, it doesn't matter, because we're out of time for now. Like Paul Harvey, I bid you...good day!
-ACT 1 SCENE 3 Fin.-
(See author's note, A1 S1.)